


3AM Rush

by oceandawn



Series: falling in love, one race at a time [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Street Racing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 283,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22364800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceandawn/pseuds/oceandawn
Summary: Callum's just dropped off his girlfriend after saying yes to a club he didn't want to go to, and it's possibly been the worst night he's had all week.Well, maybe he shouldn't have said anything.- - -As the engine cuts, the rustle of the Ben's leather jacket against the seat is more harrowing then he ever could've thought."Get out," Ben says, all shreds of teasing gone from mere minutes ago.Callum blanks. He really thought this couldn't get any worse. "No."Scoffing, Ben tilts his head. "I wasn't asking."
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Chantelle Atkins/Whitney Dean
Series: falling in love, one race at a time [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129661
Comments: 600
Kudos: 995





	1. unlucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **04/10/20 - this fic is going through editing! it's complete, but most of it is messy, meaning I want to clean it up. this message will disapear when it's complete. (currently editing chapter 17)**
> 
> **— main story complete! chapters 1 to 21  
>  — part 2 of the story is currently updating every other week, chapter 22 onwards**  
> 
> 
> hey! this is my first go at an ee fic, i've been watching for years but lately ive been inspired because of these two and i think they fit the au i've always wanted to write.
> 
> please let me know if this is of any interest to anyone, and i'll be sure to update as much as i can!
> 
> hope you enjoy, it's just the start.

_3AM, SATURDAY_

\- - -

"That was nice, wasn't it?" Whitney has her arms folded, gentle smile on her face, trying to ignore the brisk cold of the winter months.

Callum should probably offer his coat, but it doesn't cross his mind because he's worried about doing something else.

"Yeah," sniffs Callum, hands in his pockets. "Was alright, I guess."

"You _guess?"_ Whitney halts before Callum does, and panic sets on his face. "So you _didn't_ enjoy going out with me tonight?"

"Nah, not like that. I mean — it was a fun time, just the hour we're coming back isn't all that great." He laughs, or tries, and plasters a rough smile on his lips. It seems to do the trick, because Whitney doesn't say anything else.

"I thought you said someone else was taking your shift," Whitney starts to search in her bag for her keys, "since you're the boss of it."

Callum shrugs, standing idle by Whitney's door. "Thought I'd head in early, get some preparation done. Saturday's are always busy, you know that."

She smiles, then, and Callum can't help but smile too. Silence whips around them for a second, Whitney turning away to turn the key in the lock.

And then she looks back, "You can always stay the night."

There's a weight starting to grow on Callum's shoulders, squeezing his lungs. He knew those words were coming, they're dating, it's what couples _do._

But _god_ he hates this feeling, the cold becoming worse, sticking to his skin like tar because his nerves are alight. The sick feeling, too, nauseating and making him take a step back.

"You know I'd love to," laughs Callum, awkwardly on a breath that sounds like he's been spooked more than anything else. Whitney doesn't seem to catch on. "But it's already 3am, I gotta' get back before it's too late to even sleep at all."

Whitney goes to say something, a little disappointed, but that sweet smile the square adores comes back again. It makes Callum settle, exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Yeah, okay. Maybe another time?" 

Callum nods, "Sure. Love to."

Confirmation is enough, and Whitney is well aware of how new this is to Callum. They've been dating a few months now, about seven, Callum's lost count. He probably should remember if he's meant to love her.

"Goodnight, then," Whitney says, giving a little wave that Callum smiles at, a slight realisation on his face that Whitney is waiting for something.

Callum leans in, kisses her cheek quick before pulling away. It's enough to sell it.

"Night, Whit."

As the door closes, Callum closes his eyes in return. Each night is becoming more of a drag, harder to _fake._ There's still a demon on his shoulder saying _this_ _isn't right, this isn't me._

But no matter how loud it whispers, Callum will always fight it, pretending it's nothing but an itch that everyone has, a _what if_ that everyone must question once in their lives.

Callum just wonders if it's this loud for everyone else.

There's a metallic pop in the distance, so sharp it jolts Callum from his thoughts. He can't see what made the noise, but another one sounds soon after and Callum knows it's a car.

From the screeching tyres and growling engines, Callum concludes it's probably someone hungry for adrenaline, testing the threads of fate. Not his concern, though, even as they seem to be growing louder.

Walking back to his own car, a little run around he got a month or two ago, Callum ignores the sirens. It's practically daily life here, a replacement for singing chickens when dawn arrives.

He's about to open his door, settle back in and head home for the night when someone grabs at his shoulder, spins him around and thrusts him against the side of his car.

"Give me the keys," he says, stern expression with his lips pressed tight together. "Now!"

It takes a bit for Callum to catch up, the surprise of it all seeming to halt whatever time clicks in his head. He squints, noticing the guy's face is bruised, his lip cut a little on the right side.

"Fuck, I thought I was the deaf one," the man says again, hesistation in his eyes when he stares at Callum, and Callum blinks. He was in the army, he should know how to defend himself, but his hands are cold. _"Give_ me the keys."

"Stop!" Another voice shouts, stern. Callum glances to his right to see a boy in blue on his way.

Maybe he should've stayed the night. Can't be worse than this, right?

It's too late for that now, though, and it's becoming too late to think about what he _could_ have done because the guy in front of him has very, very cold eyes. Callum can't stop staring.

He should be fighting back, but forgive a guy for being a bit loose at 3am in the morning having to fake a smile for five hours. It's probably the most ecstatic his heart's been all night.

The adrenaline kicks in a bit late, too late, because the man who surprised him snatches the keys from his hands, not even giving a glance of remorse. 

But it's quick enough to turn Callum around, opening the passenger door that he was just pushed against, and jumping in. Callum doesn't know what he's doing.

He doesn't think he ever has.

It takes a moment for the guy in the driver's seat to even acknowledge him, clear shock on his face because _this isn't what happens in the movies._

A leather jacket sits on his shoulders, and if Callum knew any better, he'd run away. Even the way he looks at Callum spells trouble, tongue tied and wondering why this tall, innocent looking guy is dancing on a very small thread. If anything, he's probably debating how he'll push him back out.

But the stranger shrugs, as if this is a normal day for him, and Callum has the sudden thought to reach for his seatbelt. 

There's not much chance, because the car springs to life in a way Callum never has with it, loud and throaty. He didn't even hear the engine start, and that's what scares him the most.

He's in a car, _his own car,_ with a cut lip, leather jacket wearing stranger at the wheel that drives like it's his last. Callum puts his head back, closing his eyes as they go past the flash of red and blue.

"Don't try anything funny," he says, and Callum fights back the laugh in his throat. Callum doesn't feel like having a joke right now. "It's rude to distract someone while they're driving."

"Funny? Are you joking?" Callum scoffs, gripping the edge of his seat when the car goes sideways round a corner.

This car isn't meant for this. It's meant to pick up groceries and run for a few months before the tyres fall flat, not like they're turning normal roads into a race track.

"I'd prefer it if you kept quiet," his eyes are so focused on the road, but at the same time, Callum can feel as if he's being watched. "I don't really do small talk."

Well, there's not much else he can do except use his phone to call the authorities. But he's _in_ the car with him, and there's no doubt in Callum's mind that this guy will drop him in it if he tries anything _funny._

He literally just said that.

So, Callum keeps quiet, swallows hard when they narrowly avoid another car or snap round a corner. He has to admit, the guy has talent, annoyingly. He probably shouldn't be praising him in whatever way he is when he's basically powerless.

It's not long before the red and blue is nothing more than the black of the night, turning off a main road and into thick countryside. At least he's not driving wild now, keeping to a speed that's more moral.

Callum's settled into silence, hands grasped tight in his own lap, eyes set to the horizon.

"Don't tell me," the stranger says, voice more calm, a hint of curiosity, "This your first rodeo?"

"I don't know what would class as a rodeo," Callum looks to him, the driver giving a rather small smirk. "If a guy threatening to steal my car and me ending up _in_ that car is classed as a rodeo, then yeah. It's my first."

"Ah," he clicks his tongue. "We always remember our firsts."

"I don't appreciate the comedy."

"I never asked you to, mate." Now he's sitting more relaxed, eyes no longer cold like they were a few minutes ago, one hand on the wheel.

"I'm not your _mate."_ Callum turns away, looking out the window. He's never been down this road before, or not that he can remember.

"Well, maybe you can reconsider? We're talking right now like civilised men, you helped me escape a rather irritating future and you even sat quiet like a good little man while driving." The smirk grows as Callum meets his eyes. "We're practically besties."

Callum isn't a fan. Not at all. Even his smirk sets fires in Callum's lungs, wanting to shout, but he needs to be smart about this situation unless he fancies jumping out.

"Are you at least going to let me out?" 

The man makes a noise, almost offended. "Not going to pop round? Stay the night? Whisper in my ear how well I pulled that handbrake?"

Something riles in Callum's throat, warm but turning bitter as he swallows it down. He thinks about how he would have preferred a more quiet devil in disguise.

"I should have never got in," Callum presses his hands down his face, sighing when it only spurs the stranger on more.

"Why not? It's your car. I'm just taking it for a spin," and as he finishes that sentence, the car starts to accelerate without a sign of stopping.

He's not looking at what's ahead. He's looking at Callum.

It's a dare, a dare he doesn't want to play, and the truth he's always been scared of.

Callum looks away, and the car mumbles as it rolls from its own momentum. He's not pushing it, letting it sleep along the road.

What's he going to do when they stop? Is he just going to kick Callum out and drive off with his car? They're questions Callum feels sick about answering, and he twists his watch around his wrist to take his mind off it.

"At least drop me off at a bus stop," is all Callum can say, barely a whisper. He's a fighter, but Callum has long said goodbye to those days if he can afford it.

"You're lucky I'm quite a generous man," he turns another corner, down a bumpy, dirty road that won't help these tyres survive what they've already been through.

Callum side eyes him, "I don't see stealing my car as generous."

"You wound me," the guy pauses, lips parted. His name should go there, but he doesn't know it. "Whoever you are."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Callum quips back.

"Mm," the guy mumbles, "You could tell me?"

"I'm _not_ giving you my name. I'm not giving you anything."

Ah. _Shit._ That's a clean opening for _leather jacket_ to take.

"You gave me your car," stopping the laugh, he bites his bottom lip, switching off the headlights as they come to a stop, the road leveling out.

There's not much around them, fields stretching for miles, tractors sleeping at various corners of each one. They're far away from the square, _very_ far, and Callum wonders how much time has passed since this all began.

He checks his watch. 3.21am. He's been in this car for about twenty minutes, and the worst thing is, is that it doesn't even feel like his car anymore.

As the engine cuts, the rustle of the guy's leather jacket against the seat is more harrowing then he ever could've thought.

"Get out," he says, all shreds of teasing gone from mere minutes ago.

Callum blanks. He really thought this couldn't get any worse. "No." 

The stranger tilts his head. "I wasn't asking."

"And I'm not leaving." Callum can handle himself. Or at least, for now.

Expression not shifting, the stranger pulls out his phone, opens the door and steps out. He takes the keys with him, much to Callum's disappointment and against his somewhat single, jaded plan of escape. 

Callum watches, the guy having left the door open, the brisk night air being rather chill against the goosebumps on his skin. Surely it shouldn't even work like that.

He's tapping on his phone, the screen bright against his face. Callum can see it in more distant detail now, the bruise looking quite nasty, turning dark, and the cut on his lip is still bleeding.

There's an itch to help, always is with Callum. That's just who he is, no matter how much this guy looks like a gamble Callum can never afford. 

And then he's speaking.

"You alright?" The stranger says into his phone, and they're not words Callum ever expected to hear come out of that guy's mouth. It makes the situation even more confusing.

Callum shuffles in his seat, pretending to ignore him, but he's not an idiot. He's still listening.

"Yeah. Made it out," he speaks again after, kicking his foot against a stone on the ground. Callum can't make out the muffled voice on the other end. "Gotta' ditch the wheels, though. They got too close."

 _Excuse me?_ Callum thinks, and then _who_ got too close?

It's almost 4am, had a shit night, _and_ has work in a few hours. Callum's had enough of him.

He clicks the door handle and pushes with enough force to almost snap the door comically off its hinges. Callum walks around the car, headed for mister _spin the wheel_ when a hand pushes against his chest.

Callum doesn't need to look down, knowing this is as far as he can go. He's locking eyes with the stranger, unwavering, _daring._

"No problems," he lies, because Callum is undoubtedly a _problem._ "Just a bit of a pickle, isn't it. No one likes a late night."

Yeah, Callum definitely hates him. But he doesn't step back, not even when his heart almost bursts between his ribs, wanting to escape in fright at the _very real_ fear that's pulsing through him.

He's been in scary situations before, trained to be _in_ them, but completely alone and without a squad in the middle of _nowhere_ is a different situation entirely. This guy has more power over Callum, more than he wants him to have, because right now he's speaking to someone else.

And they're on the same team. Callum doesn't have much of one.

Callum steps back, stumbling into the side of his car. The guy doesn't even crack a smile, and if Callum knew any better, he'd think the guy is deep in thought, a mumbled name coming through the speaker of the phone.

"Yeah, 'm here. I need you to come pick me up when I drop off the car, alright?" He doesn't miss the flinch in Callum's fingers.

With no goodbye, Callum hears a few more muffled voices of a man before he's putting the phone down, eyes still very much on Callum.

"You're a sight for sore eyes, aren't you?"

Callum clenches his jaw, "I've had enough of you, and you ain't taking my car."

"Bit of a shame, that," the man walks closer, keys in his hands and having the audacity to _wiggle_ them in Callum's face. "Because I am. In fact, I _technically_ already did."

"Why," breathes Callum, wondering what angel above in the silver gates is making him have a god _awful_ day. "Why me? Why not just call whoever you did to come and save you?"

And the man grins, actually _grins._ He's almost savouring the question, allowing it to linger for as long as he can because Callum amuses him.

"I find it a bit more exciting to be reckless, finding a tall, fit bloke and his grandma's trolley to race around in." And finally, he takes a step back, letting Callum breathe. It gives him satisfaction when he notices the literal rise of Callum's chest, taking in a breath he didn't know he needed. "But, where are my manners? I should be thanking you, because without your awful timing to leave your house and do whatever, I would've never bumped into you and gotten' away." 

"Shame, that," grumbles Callum. "So — what now? You just expect me to give you my car? Oh, thank you, _mate,_ you did me a solid favour stealing my car for whatever situation _you_ got yourself in."

The guy becomes suddenly silent. Callum feels a bit weary, considering he's been rather talkative up until this point.

"Thought you said I wasn't your mate?" A sly grin curves his lips, and Callum wants to sink into the ground. 

So _that's_ why. He was thinking of a way to annoy Callum, _again._

But while Callum is against the driver's door, the guy doesn't seem to be making any moves to get this over with. If anything, the guy seems reluctant to go near him now.

Callum, on the other hand, just wants to go _home._

"Look, I know the deal. I won't go saying anything or my family or whatever shit you're gonna' come out with will be in danger. You were obviously just in a pickle and you're doing me a favor by getting rid of the car so they don't turn up at my door." Callum scratches the back of his neck, having no idea why he's putting this stranger on a higher pedestal. "Can I just please go home?"

Out of everything, he didn't expect the guy to _laugh._

"That's the funniest thing I've heard all day," he brings up the phone to his ear, dialing another number. "Do you say that in every situation like this? You're lucky I'm not one of those guys from the movies that does a one liner and leaves you to rot." When the phone ends dialing, a more monitored voice comes through. "Yeah, taxi for one please."

Oh, how charming. He's calling him a taxi.

The stranger gives an address, and apparently, that must be where they are even if Callum has _absolutely_ no clue whatsoever. Even then, he could be lying, sending the taxi miles away from where they actually are. 

Before he's got off the phone, Callum is raising his voice, "Am I just meant to tell everyone my car magically disappeared? That some guy in a leather jacket needed to borrow it and he'll be back in a week?" Callum shrugs his shoulders when he gets no reply. "Well?"

"You're quite the life of the party, aren't you?" The man jokes, taking a step closer, phone being twirled around a single finger. "I'd find you irritating if you weren't so attractive."

"Yeah, _well—_ I have a girlfriend."

The guy makes a face, somewhere between amusement and sympathy. "That's rough."

"Not as rough as your face looks," and Callum _wishes_ the guy didn't rile him up as much as he does, tongue slipping with words he doesn't mean to say.

But the stranger laughs, chuckles, even. At least it's not grit teeth.

"So you _have_ got some fire in you. Nice to know."

"And what good is that to you?" Callum asks, not knowing why he does but it's too late now.

"Nothing," he places his phone into his pocket. "Just nice to know."

Callum eyes him, squeezing his folded arms a little closer to his chest when the stranger starts to walk towards him. 

"Now if you'll excuse me," he clicks his tongue, not letting Callum leave his eyes. "I've got places to be."

"Do you? With _my_ car?"

"Yeah," he takes a fistful of Callum's shirt, pushing him against the car with a thud. "I do."

Callum will get out of this better off if he doesn't fight. Frankly, he's too tired for it, and he just wants all of this to be over.

He steps aside, much to the amusement of the stranger, even offering a mumbled thanks as he gets in. Callum thinks about hopping in again, but look where that got him the first time.

"Thanks, _mate,"_ the world rolls off his tongue, sour. "I'll see you around."

Callum laughs, "I don't want to see you ever again."

"Oh, but you will." The tender smile he gives Callum is one that infuriates him even more.

He revs the engine, old and brittle, _teasing_ Callum as he doesn't take his eyes away. Callum turns around, not wanting to make a decision he'll regret. It's an awful car, anyway, and he can always say it got towed away.

Technically, it is. But it's not on the back of a recovery truck. It's still working, _stolen._

As the car drives away, Callum turns back around, biting his lip and thinking about what awful thing he did in his life to deserve such karma. From now on, even if it scares him blind, he's going to stay the night anytime someone asks him from now on.

And that's a promise.

At least now, he can check his phone in peace while waiting for the stranger's promised taxi. Callum searches around his pockets, and his stomach lurches, growing cold at the fact it's _not there._

"Shit," Callum looks down, pulling out his pockets, expletives tumbling from his mouth like he's trying to pass a speaking exam. _"Shit._ _"_

He's left it in the car, the car that's already at the other end of the road, tail lights already blurred in the distant fog of winter.

And it doesn't turn back.


	2. ill tongue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the love on chapter 1! You're all the best and so sweet 
> 
> alcohol tag added, and rating bumped to mature for future chapters just to be safe
> 
> enjoy the ride

_Miserable._ The whole journey back to the square is _miserable._

To make it worse, the taxi driver favours a radio channel that only plays classical music, and Callum _isn't_ a fan, at all. Especially because it makes this whole ordeal some sort of joke, as if it's all some theatrical play and Callum is the comedy act.

"Dumped?"

Callum blinks, lifting his head from where he's resting it against the back of the seat. It feels horribly heavy. "Sorry?"

"Were you dumped? It's not every day I pick up a half sober lad in the middle of nowhere." He glances a look over his shoulder, Callum squinting when he lingers a bit too long. "I'm not judging."

Grunting, Callum ignores him. There's no ounce of good in him right now, and he has no energy to try and find any.

With Callum deciding not to communicate, the driver keeps quiet for the rest of the twenty minute journey, and it feels even longer than when he was trapped in _his own car_ with _that_ guy.

At least when that was happening, he was focusing on who the guy was, what he wanted, why on _earth_ he chose Callum and not someone else. This time next week he'll probably remember what an awful time he had, but he'll get over it. These things happen.

As fields morph to houses and out of the way restaurants, Callum breathes a sigh of relief. He feels hungover when he's nowhere near that level of being intoxicated, and frankly, he's going to avoid going out for a while after this.

The cab rolls up beside his house at a sickly time of 4:23am. He has work at half six, and every piece of food he consumed feels like coming back up.

Pulling his wallet out, Callum is about to pass over his card when the taxi driver holds up his hand.

"It's been paid."

"That's — that can't be right," Callum still tries to offer his card. "I haven't given you a penny since I got in."

"Don't worry, because whoever called up paid for it themselves," and with that, Callum pulls his arm back. "If you were dumped, at least they were decent enough to pay for your ride home."

The driver laughs, but Callum doesn't know what to say. He didn't hear anything about payment when the guy rang up for a taxi, so he must've rang back up in the car when he left and paid for it.

Callum offers a small thanks, mumbling it, and the driver wishes him well. Stepping out, the cold wind hits him more than it did in that field, but in reality, he was entirely focused on something else. Or _someone_ else.

Closing the cab door with a small thud, Callum places his hands inside his jacket, watching the cab set off back into the night. He keeps following it until he can't see it anymore, and the reality of the situation starts to creep up on him like a shadow.

A random dude stole his car, and he's not getting it back. He's also lost his phone, and all of his private information, numbers and generally his _life_ is on that thing. Cars can be replaced, but phones have a bigger price tag for the reason of _data,_ and in the hands of someone like that, it can't be good news.

There's no other option. Callum has to report it. He knows what the guy looks like, and even if the car is gone, maybe they can find out where it last was. 

Only problem is, Callum's worried it'll come back to bite him. The guy's words ring through his head like white noise, telling him he'll see him again. 

A threat? Perhaps, but Callum doesn't want to trip himself. The best thing to do right now is just forget about it, and then when he's not plagued by lack of sleep and the tickle of alcohol, he'll make some better decisions.

It still bothers him though, even to the point when he locks his door behind him for the night. 

Why would he pay for it? Is it some sort of joke, or did he generally feel bad for taking Callum's car?

He laughs at himself; _you're too forgiving, Highway._ Mick always says that to him, and giving excuses to a guy that stole his car and left him in a field is almost madness.

Maybe tomorrow will be better, well, _today._

Settling down, he does his usual night routine before collapsing onto his bed, not bothering to get comfy. Every minute will count for when his eyes open again, and Callum just _prays_ he doesn't get any rough and tough customers tomorrow.

Can't be worse than what happened this morning though, right?

\- - -

The drum in Callum's head hasn't stopped since he got up. He can't decide if it's the alcohol playing snakes and ladders in his stomach or the impending doom of running into his girlfriend without having texted her for four hours. 

Whitney isn't demanding, but from the stories she's told Callum, he does his best to keep their trust to a level head. Callum doesn't want to make her think he's being disloyal by not texting for hours on end. And yes, he has a job, they both do, but Callum's heart cries so much to be a good person and in return, sometimes he doesn't take time for himself.

Seven months ago he was alone, quite frankly. His brother Stuart is off doing _god knows what,_ his father is practically well and truly out of his life, and his mother is living abroad with her lovely wife. Callum talks with her occassionaly, but it's not much, and sometimes he thinks about flying over and staying, but he's trying to gain independance he doesn't really want.

Callum is a people person. He doesn't do alone, in any circumstance, not unless his body and mind craves silence when his anxiety becomes too loud.

Mick and Linda took him in, and they're close family wise anyway, and that's how he met Whitney.

His heart isn't usually open most times, even if he's a nice person. Callum's had it under lock and key for most, if not _all_ of his life. It's not that he's scared or worried about what a relationship might hold, but every time he feels like he could love someone, there's a twist in his lungs, like he's not allowed to.

Callum doesn't know how to love. He can love and be in love, but not in _that_ way -- holding your breath when you see that someone, wanting to be with them, craving just a second, even if it's in silence. _That_ kind of love, Callum can't find it.

And with being 24, he feels he's too late. 

Whitney, he loves her, but it's not what he thought it'd be. It's moving slow, slower than a snail, but Callum's happy, and they both are. That's enough for now.

"Callum?"

 _Shit._ He knows that voice.

He turns around to see Whitney, and her expression already shows signs of worry. Of course she is, because Callum hasn't responded to any of her texts that she inevitably sends every single day.

And then Callum's throat goes dry -- what if _that guy_ has? What if he's seen the texts, got into Callum's phone and amused himself?

"Hey, Whit," he waits until she's near to give her a kiss on the cheek. "You alright?"

"Yeah," Whitney adjusts her hair, "just, you never answered my texts this morning?"

 _Thank God._ No mention of any strange texts, just none at all.

"I dropped my phone on the way home yesterday, the whole thing broke," Callum adjusts his hands inside his pockets. "I should have it back soon, I'm about to go send it off to repairs."

"I'll do it for you," and the smile on her face would warm Callum if it didn't scare him that he _can't_ hand the quote on quote _broken phone_ over to Whitney.

"No, no no, I've got it. It's on the way to work anyway," Callum hopes his smile can deter more questions, but he's never that lucky.

"But why are you walking to work?" Whitney looks behind him, expecting to see his car at the end of the street.

He's always terrible at lying, but the one time he does need to do it, his mind is blank of anything except _I lost it._

"Decided I could do with a walk. Bit hungover from last night still and didn't feel like driving," he shrugs, feeling he can finally take a breath when Whitney smiles at him.

"I'm sorry for dragging you to that club last night, I could see you didn't enjoy it." She squeezes his arm.

"No no, I did! Just, I'm regretting the alcohol. Shouldn't drink on a work night, should I?" Callum is relieved at the conversation change because he's starting to sweat.

Whitney does laugh a little, and Callum's thankful he's managed to make sense of his story. Now he just has to keep it up for however long he needs to.

They say their goodbyes, Callum avoiding turning back to Whitney and picking up speed to leave the square. If he's on time, he can catch the bus before he's even more late than he already is.

He's the boss there, but that doesn't mean he can miss an hour of important preparation.

\- - -

Much to Callum's surprise, service goes well. He's head chef at a restaurant just out of town, and he's been there for little over a year now. Thanks to his experience in the army, he found his way to the top pretty fast, and he's now improving the restaurant's reputation by leaps and bounds every single month.

He loves working there, and especially loves looking through the glass window to see smiles on everyone's faces. There's nothing better than someone enjoying your food, and even if he didn't make it and his fellow chefs did, it's still his recipe.

When the clock strikes ten, service finishes, and it's just alcohol being served for the rest of the evening until it closes at eleven. Callum doesn't usually stay, and he has the thought to, but he needs to start heading home since he routinely walks around the back to where all the staff parks, only to remember he doesn't have a car anymore.

 _"Shit."_

No buses run at this time around here, and that means he'll have to call a taxi.

Ten minutes later, his ride is here, and he's relieved that it's not the guy from this morning that wondered if he'd been dumped in a field by his ex. This driver doesn't even talk, no music either, and suddenly Callum hates the silence as well as welcomes it.

Halfway home, Callum asks if the driver can drop him off at the Vic instead, knowing that going home will only be him watching some awful program on the telly until he falls asleep.

He needs to do some thinking, and frankly, there's no better, awful company than a glass of alcohol. Callum has had _more_ than a long day, and yes, he does feel sorry for himself.

Coming back to the square always makes him feel a little bit safer. It's his home now, and the warm lights of the Vic pub as the cab pulls up promise warm company too.

He pays the driver, a wobble in his stomach at the still egging question of why that guy paid for it this morning. Callum smiles as the driver gives thanks, and he's out the door before he changes his mind about being accompanied by some liquor.

Whitney is always an option, she'll be at home by now, unless she's out with the girls. It's already too late for that thought, though, as he's pushing the red doors open with a sigh.

"Halfway!" Mick opens his arms, shouting his name like it's a welcoming home party. "You already look smashed!"

Callum laughs, he can't help it. Mick always makes an awful day that bit more joyous. There's always that energy to him and he's thankful for it.

He walks to the quiet part of the bar, round the left side where no one else is sitting, and settles down on the bar stool.

"Thanks for that, Mick. You know how to make a man feel good about himself." He nods at Mick gesturing to his usual, "Please."

"Ah, bad day at work?"

"Nah, just late nights. Whit' wanted me to go to this club and the music was way too loud after a full day of serving seafood."

That makes Mick smile, placing Callum's beer on the mat before clapping him on the shoulder, "Well, you know you're always welcome here, son. Get that down ya' and I'll come back and have a chat with you in a bit."

Callum nods, "Cheers, Mick." 

His shoulders sink, sighing as he closes his eyes. No loud music, no girls laughing at jokes -- just beer and good company. Outside of these pub doors, though, are a lot of questions waiting to bite his ankles, like _what the hell is going to do about his car?_

There's no lying to Whitney forever, she'll catch on eventually that something isn't right, and Callum can't do that to her.

He can't see the ruckus on the other side of the bar from where he's sat, and it must sound like a party of some kind because there's lads cheering.

 _Good for them,_ he thinks, nursing the first sip of his beer. His fingers itch to reach for a phone he doesn't have, and the more time drags on, the more he wants to report all of this.

He should, and he will.

"Mitchell?" 

Mick's voice picks up over the crowd, the doors to the Vic shutting with a thud as a man walks through.

Red coat, hair swept off to one side and a generous amount of stubble.

Callum looks up, body growing still. It's _him._

"Long time no see, Mick," he's approaching the bar with a smile to steal hearts, but Callum is starting to _seethe_ in the corner.

"What are you doing here? I thought you left town for good?" And even with that, it seems Mick still remembers his order, because he's already doing it.

The guy, who apparently is called Mitchell thanks to Mick, shrugs his shoulders and slaps the top of the bar.

"Can't say no to giving a few pounds to my favourite establishment every so often."

Mick scoffs, "You mean every few months? That's hardly enough to buy a barrel." 

Callum squints. If he's not meant to be here, why does he keep coming back every few months? And was the last time _meant_ to be the last?

"I'm a busy man!" He scoffs, sliding over a twenty. Way too much for one beer. He must be making a tab.

Callum keeps watching, growing increasingly frustrated with the fact this guy parades around with a halo on his head. The bruise is gone too, but the cut lip has healed only slightly.

"What _are_ you up to, anyway? You moving out of the square years ago came as a shock to everyone. Granted you still come back, but I'm guessing it's for something I'd rather not hear about?" Mick wipes a glass as they make small conversation. 

_Mitchell_ just smiles, giving a wink Mick's way, "I don't kiss and tell."

Mick leaves Mitchell on his own with the beer, taking the twenty with him. He's so casual with the way he stands, confident, a completely different facade to the one he was wearing this morning.

He was a little rough around the edges, hesitant in the slightest of movements and ready to throw a punch if anything ticked him off. Here, now, he's so relaxed, an aura about him like he owns this very pub himself.

There's a smirk on his lips, growing with the more Callum stares, and eventually, he knows why.

He's turning his head towards Callum, swiping his tongue across his bottom lip to remove the excess beer, smiling as he raises his glass towards the chef.

_Cheers._

Callum feels a switch flip, and he's on his feet quicker than he has been all week. The guy doesn't flinch, following him as he watches Callum walk around the bar and meeting him in the middle.

"We need to talk."

Mitchell looks around, like he's looking for a reason why, "Do we?"

Gripping the man's coat at his shoulder, Callum hoists him up, jolting him so that the man finally faces him. And at that point, Mitchell puts his hands up in surrender.

"Alright, alright. No need to get hasty, we can talk outside," he gestures his head towards the door, not taking his eyes away from Callum until he lets go of his coat.

Callum doesn't say anything, waiting. It takes the stranger a few seconds to realise Callum is waiting for him to lead. It only cheers on the smirk that returns to his face.

Mick doesn't say anything when he sees the backs of them, not having seen the small exchange when serving drinks around the other side. Boys will be boys.

The square is quiet once they step out, just footsteps and the occasional honk of a car in the distance. Callum's eyes are completely locked on Mitchell, walking until they're beside an alleyway besides the Vic. Their breaths visualize because of the cold, and Callum starts regretting not bringing his own coat, only wearing a black jacket.

"Well," the guy starts, "Where should we tango?"

Callum can't hold it in. He's reaching for the lapels of that red coat, gripping and pushing him into the alleyway, away from the watchful street lamps.

The guy exhales when the brick wall meets his back, and the fire in Callum's eyes corners him quicker than the guy will ever admit. He saw Callum's attempt at taking charge this morning, but never to this level.

Callum is on home turf now. This isn't _his_ home anymore.

 _"You owe me."_ Callum has him against the wall, feeling the power he has over the smaller man draining away when it only makes the shit eating grin on the stranger's face even bigger.

"Do I? See, I'm not the one to do favours, and I'm more of a wham, bam, _thank you Sam_ kinda' guy. I don't stick around," he looks Callum up and down, and he's shoved back as Callum reels back at the look. "I thought we left each other on mutual terms. I never usually go a second round unless there's something golden."

"Where's my car?" Callum isn't here to play tennis with flirts and snarky comments.

Mitchell hisses, face contorted. "About that." 

"What?"

"Had a bit of a… _tumble."_

Callum's about to grab him again, but the guy stops him with a hand to his chest, just like this morning. Warm. Firm.

"Settle down, it's not all bad news," there's some rustling in his coat pocket, and then he's bringing up a device held between two fingers. "I'm guessing in this day 'n age you'd want this back?"

Callum's phone, intact. 

He reaches for it, only for Mitchell to move it out of the way, smiling with glee. Callum curses how much his stomach flutters when they make eye contact, noticing how blue his eyes are, especially when he's smiling like _that._

"Desperate, much? Don't worry, even if your password took me about three tries to guess, I didn't go snooping too much. The lack of anything interesting shows you're quite a boring man despite what I saw this morning -- and well, right now too."

He finally hands it towards Callum, and his expression towards Mitchell could set alight a fire. He's thrusted against the wall again, because Callum couldn't care less about the phone being returned when this guy willingly went through his information.

"What?" He's a little breathless, and if he's being honest, the stranger is loving every second of it, "I said I didn't find anything interesting. Few dog photos, you and your girlfriend, which in honesty sounds like the most bland, straight relationship I've ever come across," that makes Callum tighten his grip more, something grinding against his heart. Fear, uncertainty. "And also, the fact that you're a head chef a few miles down the road."

Callum is royally _pissed._ He's so angry at this man, but there's not a bad bone in Callum to do anything about it when the shock and reality of this morning is coming back to him all at once. He never wanted to see this guy again, never, and now he's in front of him, at mercy beneath his hands that shake from not only the cold, but fear of himself.

He can't stop looking at him.

Looking at him as if he's asking questions he's not speaking, questions he's not even aware of. 

"I'm gonna'," Callum takes a breath, "I'm going to report you."

"Are you?" He questions.

"Yeah, I am."

"Are you, _Callum?"_

_He knows his name._

The silence that follows shifts the power balance entirely, and Callum's heart should _not_ be beating this fast at the sound of his own name.

It's just a name. His own name. Why does this guy make it sound different?

Callum shoves him and lets go, groaning as he grabs for his phone.

"No need to snatch." 

"Do you _ever_ shut up?" And Callum realises right then that _he himself_ should've stayed quiet.

"Depends how good the guy is," he bites his tongue, and Callum can see it, watches for a second before glancing down to the floor. "Don't look so down, sunshine."

"Oh, yeah. Easy for you to say," Callum steps back, leaning against the opposite wall of the alley, closing his eyes. He doesn't feel like he should around a stranger so dangerous, but he can't hear any movement. "I lost my car, you now know everything about me when I only know your name and that you used to live here. Oh, and that I'm lying to my girlfriend about what happened this morning because I'm a coward and I'm too scared to do anything about it."

There's a footstep, and Callum opens his eyes to the guy offering some keys.

He doesn't quite believe it, but the metal is there, shining under the lamp not far away from them. There's no expression on Mitchell's face, he's just staring, waiting.

Callum takes the keys carefully, and suddenly, this feels an awful lot like a contract he's just signed without knowing it.

"What is this? I thought you dumped my car." Callum looks down to the two keys in his hand. One is definitely a car key, and the other he's not sure. It looks like any regular key.

"A replacement," Mitchell holds his head up high, but it's still nowhere near Callum's height. "Consider it a small.. _deal."_ The way that word rolls off his tongue doesn't give Callum confidence.

"And?"

"So you don't go shouting your mouth off about me, _and_ most importantly, so you don't have to explain to your _girlfriend_ why your trolley went missing."

"It's the same car?" Callum knows he should stop talking, drop the keys and call the blue boys, but Mitchell keeps him here with his voice, his presence.

Callum _wants_ to hear him out. Perhaps that's the good in him, or it's the curious whispers on his shoulder that are starting to get louder and _louder._

"Nope. Consider it an upgrade," he starts to walk away, and Callum is left to stare at the keys on his own. "Also, I put my number in your phone. You're welcome."

The wink thrown Callum's way almost knocks him back, breath a little stuck inside his chest. And only _then_ does it hit him.

"You put your number in my phone?" Says Callum, keys gripped in one hand and phone in the other. Mitchell continues to walk away from him, and Callum won't stand it anymore. He needs answers, and he wants them now. 

Why did he pay for the taxi? Why is he back here when he's not meant to be? Did he come here just to find Callum?

Turning to face him, the stranger is just about to meet the edge of the alley and further into darkness when Callum parts his lips and shouts; _"Mitchell!"_

And immediately, the guy stops, pausing for a second and then turning on his heel.

"My name's not _Mitchell."_

Callum feels a cold breeze lick up his arm, the atmosphere changing with how the guy speaks that name so ill on his tongue. He can't see much of his face in the dark, but Callum can see an inkling of pain.

"It's Ben," he says, quiet, _only_ for Callum to hear.

Ben turns around, and before Callum can ask why Mick called him that with such confidence and no similar reaction to what he's just witnessed -- Ben's _gone._

Callum is left in the alley, staring at where Ben once stood, the keys in his hand cold, and they're going to make his skin smell of metal.

He leaves the alleyway, shoving his phone back into his pocket, knowing that he'll have to check the true damage caused later, considering there's something else waiting for him.

Beer -- and a hangover he _wants_ to endure. And he never thought he'd be the one to think something like that, ever.

He'll take anything to make Callum forget how he felt when Ben looked at him like _that--_ like he's someone, the first parts of a clue Ben wants to solve.

 _Anything_ to calm Callum's wild, aching chest.


	3. unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thank you thank You for all the lovely comments and dm's you guys send me! I really love writing this fic, and having comments that say I'm being accurate to their canon is so so so unbelievable. It's a huge compliment, and I hope I can keep it going!
> 
> Enjoy a little more backstory to Callum, and of course, the Tension
> 
> I hope i can keep writing chapters you all love - enjoy!

Rain falls heavy, the sound against the windows a mellow tune despite the bass. It's peaceful, calming to the point where Callum stays in such a deep sleep because of it. If he was awake, he'd be watching it.

Last night, he forgot to close the curtains, and as a result, the dawning sun casts orange and subtle purple, painting the room. It cuts down pieces of furniture, warps over soft edges, warming to any skin it touches.

Callum is still asleep, head resting heavy on his pillow, eyes shut but barely keeping the sun's light from bothering him. He's at peace, though, thanks to the two more bottles of alcohol he drank. Not enough to send him loopy, but enough to dull the pain.

Enough to dull the thoughts of Ben.

The clock on the bedside table shows _8:34AM,_ a substantial 6 hours of sleep and possibly more if he manages to keep his eyes closed. 

Usually, the wave of the morning sun would wake him, but that's not the case this time. His body has been through so much stress these last two days that he can't bring himself to follow that routine.

For Pip, his dog, that means no long, early morning walk he promises her every Sunday. Callum only manages a short one every morning before work, and Sunday is Callum's time to just _breathe._

Whitney knows about Callum's day on a Sunday, how he uses it to calm himself down, to remember that he's here and _alive._ Friends that became his brothers, spending more than enough time in close proximity, laughing and cheering at something that isn't usually that funny because they have to. 

Their voices, he can remember each one, just words or phrases sometimes, echoes of faces and smiles that stuck with him since the moment they happened. Some of them weren't so lucky, or their lives have changed in ways they'll never be the same, and Callum won't forget them.

Every Sunday he'll take Pip to the lake, a ten minute or so drive away, out of the city, and walk for as long as he needs to with Pip free of the lead.

Today, he's not awake to do it, and Pip sulks at the end of the bed, ears twisting as she listens to the square waking up. She's a German Shepherd, three years old, a blue collar around her neck that sometimes mistakes her for a boy, but Callum laughs it off and says _she actually picked it herself._

Which is true.

Two years ago, when Callum moved in, he found himself alone. He didn't know anyone in the square, and frankly, it frightened him that he really didn't have anyone. 

One day, he saw a flyer, wrapped in his scarf and blue beanie, and read that the shelter not far from here doesn't have any room for the amount of abandoned dogs after the Christmas period.

Callum didn't even know if his apartment allowed dogs at the time, but he hopped on the bus quick enough to end up at the shelter an hour later. The flyer was true, and Callum didn't have any doubt, but seeing it created a different response than reading it.

His heart felt squeezed at all the sad eyes begging him for just a bit of attention, the love they've been given only for it to be false, and Callum has to stop at each one and give them a scratch through the bars.

None of them bite, even though some have warnings that they do. 

And then Pip, she wasn't so open. She just stood there, staring at Callum behind bars with her ears down.

"Alright there?" Callum had said, kneeling down to place his fingers on the metal, feeling how cold they are even inside this shelter. He glances at the name tag just a bit above him and smiles. "Pip?"

Her ears pick up, and she takes one, then two fragile steps towards him. Callum smiles when she nudges his fingers, allowing her to accept Callum before the inevitable cheek scratch.

She lets him, and Callum's smile grows sad.

It reminds him of sand beneath his heavy boots, metal in his hand, training so much sweat drips from his hair. And then that bark that would light up every face of every lad who heard it. That dog he misses, another friend he won't forget, and Callum doesn't ignore how he sees some of him in Pip's eyes.

"You remind me of someone I used to know," Callum says, soft, unaware of the staff member beside him, smiling down at them. "He was a hero, and you look like you've seen your own battles too."

Pip's tail is starting to swing, still towards the ground and not high like a happy dog would be. But, despite that, Callum still smiles, tilting his head as he watches those dark, brown orbs stare back at him.

"She likes you," the woman says, smiling when Callum turns back to look at her. There's a delicate silence before she continues, allowing Callum to send a smile her way. "She's been here for eight months."

Hearing the time she's been here, Callum looks down, and then back to Pip. Eight months is a long time, and Callum wonders if Pip doesn't seem as excited as other dogs because she's got used to the fact of _this_ being her home, her life.

Dogs are more intelligent than some people think, and Callum was around enough of them in the army to know that they feel things too.

"What happened to her?" 

"She was abandoned at the side of the road. Someone found her and called us, and she's been in our care ever since," taking a step closer to Callum, she points to the _MIGHT BITE_ sign near her head. "Pip hasn't had much love in her life, and that means she doesn't have trust. Families that come in here always turn away when they see this sign, and that's fine. It's just— she hasn't had a family, a proper one, and dogs never forget like we do, and pain always sticks with us the most."

Pip whines a little, moving into Callum's hand more. She's still wary, taking step by step, but Callum understands.

He doesn't really have a family either. At least, no one except his mother, but she lives in a different country now. Callum rarely sees her, but he's thankful they're still somewhat close.

"Is she available for adoption?" Callum asks, turning to the staff member and smiling.

"She is, but she's had no training. We've tried, but she just doesn't trust people yet," she watches Pip as Callum stands up, and it aches both of their hearts when she whines after him. "Saying that, she's a lovely dog. I think with time and love she'll be herself again."

Callum decides then and there about Pip. Actually, he did as soon as he remembered the dog from his army days. Pip is some of his past but not all of it, a gentle reminder that's warm to keep beside him instead of haunting. They're both lonely, and Callum can't say no to something so clearly looking for a friend — a _home._

After some paperwork and basic information about health, Callum is standing in front of Pip, three collars in his hand that the shelter gives out after every adoption.

Callum was given the option of three colours, and Callum just went blank, like _how am I meant to pick?_ And then turned to Pip herself, waiting quietly on her lead held by the staff member that's just been helping him with questions.

"Which one, Pip?" He leans down enough to Pip's height, still quite small for her age, and allows her to sniff each one.

Her nose goes to every single one, but then she starts to nudge more frequently at the blue one, and Callum smiles.

"That's the one, then." 

Callum carefully clips it on around her neck, careful it's not too tight and scratching between her ears. She's wagging her tail more frequently now, looking up at Callum with hope in her eyes as the lady named Mary hands over the handle to the lead.

"Hope you make some happy memories," she smiles, a small tear in her eye at Pip finally walking through those doors, not for a walk, but to a new home.

"I promise I'll look after her," Callum says, shaking her hand as Pip looks between them. "I'll send updates like I said I would."

Mary gives one final goodbye to the new pair before Callum leaves, Pip walking beside him, constantly looking up to Callum as if to say _are you real? Are you my friend?_

Ever since that day, Callum's been attached to her. He's given time for Pip to adjust to life at home again, freedom to bound up and down the stairs and sleeping on any chair she fancies.

She's been open to training, too, Callum working her up to a dog that practically knows every command in the book. Pip's a smart dog, and when Callum started dating Whitney, it took time for Pip to warm up to her.

In a way, Pip still doesn't accept her, especially when Callum's attention is completely on Whitney, and Pip just sits there grumbling because that was _her_ chair and Callum always seems to be guarded around her. He's not _Callum,_ not the Callum that took Pip home that day, not the Callum that wakes up and plays fetch with her down the hallway as he eats his bowl of flakes.

And now this, sleeping in on a day that she knows the routine of by now. Granted, she felt Callum's uneasiness when he came in last night, the way he hung his head between his shoulders and perching against walls.

She followed him upstairs, quietly watching until Callum settled into bed, taking her usual spot at the end and curling up.

Callum always talks to Pip, even if she can't understand, he knows dogs can feel and sense emotions like any human can. He always talks about things that worry him, or if he's had an awful day, and Pip will look and listen.

It's always been the same, and it won't be any different today.

Callum stirs around ten minutes later, eyes blinking, squinting at the bright light ahead of him. He groans, and the headache that pulses between his ears is enough to _regret_ wanting a hangover.

Pip lifts her head and whips it towards Callum at the disturbance, and she's wagging her tail at knowing he's awake. Callum always knows she's there when he wakes up, but there's a momentary silence in his head from all the pain, a vacuum that causes him to press a hand to his forehead.

Pip moves off the bed, walking up beside and plotting her head near Callum's other hand. Her tail wags, waiting for the moment they'll meet eyes, and when Callum does blink his eyes back open, Pip is there.

She's blurred by his vision being out of focus, but eventually, the pieces slot together and she's already nudging at the hand dormant on the sheets.

"Hey, girl," his smile is almost immediate, and Pip's ears fly up. "Sleep well?"

Pip nudges closer, almost getting up onto the bed, but she knows not to go near pillows. Callum reaches to scratch between her ears from where he lays, scooting a little closer to the edge.

"Shall we go for your walk?" And the very mention of _walk_ has Pip bounding over the bed and into the hallway. Callum will take that as a yes.

He glances towards the clock, _8:51AM._ He still has all day to walk Pip, but getting there early is always so peaceful, _just_ Callum and Pip. It's a Sunday, so perhaps he'll still be able to walk at his own pace without the worry of other dogs frightening Pip, but if it comes to it, Callum's prepared.

Kicking off the duvet, he knows first and foremost he needs to null this headache. He swallows some pain killers as soon as he reaches the kitchen cupboard, neck back as he swallows them down with a fresh glass of water.

Pip is by his side already, lead being carried in her jaw as she watches him go about his morning routine. When Callum looks down, her ears go up, then back down, puppy eyes very clearly present. She's never lost them.

"I know! I'm sorry!" He kneels down to kiss her head. "I didn't set my alarm last night, just let me get dressed, yeah?"

Pip still stares at him expectantly, and Callum laughs, "Love you, Pip." He scratches behind her ear before leaving to get changed.

\- - -

They make it to the field. Pip wastes no time using her energy reserves by jumping into the small river rather than running along side it, chasing the ducks that quack wildly as they try to flap their wings.

She never manages to catch one, but she does try. Callum knows she wouldn't hurt them, no teeth or growls, just genuine interest as to _why are these dogs so small? Why do they make funny noises?_

Of course, Callum takes a video. He used to send updates like this to the shelter as promised, but now, the shelter is happy about the home Pip's found. Every so often, he'll get an email from Mary asking how she is, and Callum is always happy to reply.

Callum walks along the footpath, and when he gets too far from Pip, one call of her name, and she's by his side again. She never really does go far, always haunted by being left alone, but Callum _always_ stops and waits for her.

Even if she finds a rock interesting, or is staring up at a bird in a tree that won't ever come down but she'll wait for it anyway — Callum waits. This is a day he saves for her, the little part of his heart and his home.

He'll give her five minutes of wonder and only then will he call her name. Pip will always bark, too, as if to say _on my way_ _!_

It's still cold, so every breath Callum takes he can see, the sky already becoming a strong blue. Being here, away from the square and the havoc of the last two days, he finally has time to think.

He was fooling himself last night thinking he could decide over the lip of a beer bottle. If anything, alcohol only made those thoughts louder, hunting for the truth.

_Why do you want to know more?_

_Why be so interested in him?_

_Why do you want to see him again?_

Callum clenches his jaw at the last one. _He doesn't._ Answers, that's all he wants, and Ben won't give them to him.

Usually his walks would be thoughts about the army, but today, he's reminded of the fabric of Ben's coat beneath his fingers, how the words he spoke were so distant but so close at the same time. Ben had him _there_ when originally it was Callum. 

No matter how much he closes his eyes, or necks back beer, or walks like he usually does on a Sunday — his routine is broken, all because of him.

All because of _Ben._

Callum fishes out his phone, gripping it tight, more than he usually does, and scrolls through his phone to find any damage.

Nothing.

His phone is as it was. Ben didn't even open any of his messages, the notifications still there and waiting to be opened. Callum didn't have the strength to check all of this back home, but out here in the middle of nowhere, he's starting to feel uneasy when he originally thought it'd be a bit easier.

Ben was a ghost, only leaving one thing behind, just as he said — an eleven digit number; _Ben's_.

Callum's thumb hovers over the _call_ button, ignoring Whitney's message that just pings through at the top of the screen, eyes focused on three little letters.

He's had enough of this man breaking up his life, twisting it for whatever benefit Ben sees fit.

The phone dials, and Callum brings it to his ear.

_"Hello?"_

Ben's voice. It's rough, lacking any charm like he's heard before. Callum honestly expected different, thinking this might be a false number instead of the real thing, and now, he doesn't know what to say.

Silence drags on, and Ben sighs down the phone.

_"Look, I ain't interested in whatever you're sellin'. Don't call me back—"_

_"Callum,"_ he says, spits out, and Ben stops talking. "It's Callum."

Silence, again, and Callum is about to start losing his patience, mostly because his hands are shaking and he has no idea what he's _doing._

 _"I didn't expect you to call."_ Ben's voice is so monotone, void of anything, different to last night.

"You gave me your number?" 

_"A text, yeah. Not — this."_ There's rustling on the other side, a voice, and Ben mutters something to them.

"Sorry for not being predictive enough for you," Callum's shocked by the venom in his own voice, "You gave me two keys last night, and you didn't point me to any car or explain what that other key was for."

Ben's quiet again, more muffled noises. There's another man there, the voice is deep enough, and Callum feels his face go pale.

Callum hears Ben say something, _was good,_ and something that sounds like _not me._

 _"Sorry, sunshine,"_ and the Ben from before is creeping back into focus, the mask pulled over. _"What was you sayin'?"_

Callum takes a deep breath, eyes closed, trying to keep the patience he _knows_ he has, "Where's the car?"

 _"I'm glad you asked,"_ a small break in sound, and then Callum's phone pings. _"Sent you the location. Don't get funny, alright?"_

Just like that, Callum's got what he wanted. If only it was that easy to ask every other question he has plaguing him, fiddling with the lining inside his jacket pocket.

"Can I say the same for you, then?" Pip has no idea about what's going on, minding her business, sniffing around the pathway as Callum's pace starts to slow.

 _"What? That I'll let you just take the car and go?"_ the silence that follows unsettles Callum, rocking the boat already starting to take on water, _"I suppose I can do that. But, I am quite hurt you don't want to give me one last goodbye. We've had a good run, ain't we?"_

Closing his eyes, Callum reigns back the anger, the silk in Ben's voice that comes along with his hoarse teasing shouldn't spark what's so cold in his chest. Besides that, Ben's made his life hell.

"No," he says on a breath, frowning as he speaks, "You've made my weekend hell, and I've had to lie to people I care about because you got me into your mess." Ben doesn't try and cut him off, and Callum half expects him to. "I'll be happy if this is the last time I ever have to use this number, or see you anywhere near the square."

Callum stops walking, hand now gripped tight in a fist. Pip stops, turning around, confused as to why Callum has stopped.

His chest aches, and Callum suddenly feels guilt rush through him, jaw stiff with words of apology that want to come barreling out. Callum _shouldn't_ apologise, but this guy hasn't said it once to him, and he never expects him to.

Ben must hear his breathing, a little ragged and off the beaten path.

_"Message heard loud and clear."_

The tone goes dead, a continuous white noise. Ben's gone, and Callum feels he really is this time, with how quick his voice changed back to the cold pronunciation he heard when initially picking up the phone.

Callum brings his phone down, stares at the screen, the _Call Ended_ screen fading to a wallpaper of himself and Whitney. He blanks for a second, not knowing where he is, disoriented, and then blinks back into reality when he notices the one new message.

Ben, as promised, leaving the location for the car. At a glance, he knows it's out of town, _way_ out of town, and not really that far from where Ben left him on that field road.

He'll go tonight. It's better he gets his life back to _normal_ as quickly as he can. Forget Ben, explain the new wheels as best as he can, go back to his job and settle back into life as _Callum._

That's all he's known, nothing more, nothing less. 

\- - -

Pip falls asleep as soon as she gets home, picking her bed at the side of the fireplace. 

With his dog settling down, Callum tries his best to do the same, leaning over his bathroom sink. There's nerves, heavy and tasting of iron as they stake home inside his stomach. 

He's already made up his mind to go. If he heads out sometime later, it'll seem like he's just going out to a club outside of town. Whitney's texts come through as usual, and Callum keeps it short and sweet, already starting to feel how the guilt of lying to her is building up, and soon, he'll have to come out with it.

Callum freshens himself up, stays under the hot spray of the shower until the dread of time outweighs the comfort. He dresses casually afterwards, heading to his kitchen to whip something up to eat and give Pip her own bowl of food.

The food doesn't go down well, and Callum can't even finish it, head back as he closes his eyes. This fucking _sucks,_ and there's no doubt in his mind that Ben will still be there even when he asked him not to.

He has no idea why he'd even want Ben to be there. Curiosity more than anything, possibly. Even if this is the last time Callum has anything to do with Ben, there's still something inside that doesn't want this to be the last.

Callum stands abruptly, even scaring Pip who jumps, ears down.

"Sorry, girl," sighs Callum, walking over to reassure her, and it doesn't take long until Pip is heading back to her food bowl.

At least if everything goes wrong, he'll have Pip. As silly as it seems to rely on a dog's love for comfort and family, sometimes it's the only option people have, and having someone is better than no one.

Not everyone finds love, not everyone accepts the love they feel, and some people lose it without any control, slipping through their fingers as if it was never there.

Callum's felt that pain, more than once, different variations of the word _love_ itself. He loves Whitney, but it's not the love he dreamed of as a kid, the stories you watch on the telly and read in books.

He's not a child anymore, but he can't help noticing how his heart doesn't match up to what he's seen and been taught about love. It's scary to think it's all Callum, that it's just _him_ and that there's something _wrong._

Pip makes him forget, just a little, that loneliness is a very real friend to everyone, and that without knowing, it's the only thing there for most of your life.

Callum's scared of it, of losing what he has and feeling that same cold he's felt before. Ben won't screw up what he's found, _stability,_ and there's no need to hunt for something more.

Wrapping up warm to brave the cold, Callum says his goodbye to Pip, heading out at around 18:12pm. It's well and truly dark already, and as Callum takes his first step outside, his legs become unsure in each step.

Even as he waves a taxi near where they usually stop, the nerves are still there.

It's a twenty minute journey, enough to make a hefty fee but there's no buses running here at this time of night.

Callum steps out after paying, the cab turning back around and going the way he came. There's nothing out here but fields and an old, worn down warehouse that looks like it's about to fall down any minute.

Taking a deep breath, Callum's knuckles go white around the keys in his jacket pocket, biting back his doubts that this is all a game that Ben's only just started.

Reaching a rusted, grey door, Callum pushes it gently, hearing the click and restrained metal of the lock that keeps it shut tight. The second key Ben gave him fits like a glove, turning without effort and clicking the padlock loose. For a run down building, it seems the security is the only thing kept up to date.

Putting the lock into his pocket, Callum carefully pushes the handle, the creak of age moving with it. Darkness swallows Callum's vision, small rays of the waking moon piercing through the damaged roof. Thankfully, modern technology has its benefits, able to use the torch on his phone to search the wall for a switch.

They're old, and Callum has a small thought of them electicuting him, but he swallows and bites the bullet. In fact, they do fizz, but the overhead lights flicker on one by one, and Callum is very much alone.

Well, besides the covered object, and from its size and shape, it's the car Ben promised. Callum expected Ben to be standing there like some sort of salesman, one last game to play before Callum never wants anything to do with him again. 

It's eerily quiet, the occassional distant horn of a car or rustle from wildlife outside. Callum's heistant footsteps carry him towards the hidden car, switching off his phone's torch light.

Why would Ben cover it up? Is this just the way he does things?

Upon reaching the car, Callum feels his hands growing cold at the thought of having to pull that sheet back. It just adds layers of uncertainty, more nerves to the pool already drowning in his stomach.

Well, Ben isn't here, so there's no tricks. They've only happened with him around.

To check, Callum brings out the car key, pressing the lock button twice. Orange lights blinks twice under the sheet, hearing the car doors release their mechanisms. It's the right car, and Callum is in the right place.

That doesn't make it any easier, sneaking out of town to some remote place, a car that's presumably his right in front of him.

Gripping the sheet, Callum pulls it back, revealing blue paint, rather striking but calming at the same time. It's more aqua than blue, but Callum can't help notice that there's something a lot more pressing than what colour it is.

It's expensive, _very_ expensive. Callum has a good wage, but not _that_ good.

Callum only manages to reveal half of it before stepping back and taking it all in. It's definitely a sports car, low to the ground, spoiler sticking up the cloth at the back.

How the _fuck_ is he going to explain this to anyone?

He's about to take another step forward when his spine chills from a voice he didn't know was there.

"Beauty, isn't she?" 

Ben, walking out of the shadows like some sort of action movie, hands in his coat pocket like he has time on his side, and his lips curl into a smile as Callum turns to him like a deer in headlights.

How did he get in? The door was _locked._

Callum doesn't say anything. He _can't_ say anything because he's tongue tied. Ben isn't supposed to be here, and for so long he believed he wasn't. 

"You — you've been watching me all this time?" is all Callum manages to come out with, hoping Ben doesn't notice the stutter in his words.

Ben does. It only makes his smile grow.

"Not at all, I was simply finishing this," Ben holds up a few papers, almost _proud_ of himself. "Don't want you blabbering lies, do we? All the truth you need right here."

Callum becomes aware of something, only now, and he feels stupid for not seeing it earlier.

"This car isn't true, is it?"

Ben blinks, trying not to be too amused by that.

"What? You think I did a round two of you with someone else?" Ben laughs, walking to the car and opening the door to allow Callum a way inside. "It's brand new, the seats stink of leather."

"And that's supposed to make feel better about this whole situation?" Callum looks to the shine of the paint. If this is made to _look_ new, then Ben's done more than a good job.

Ben hands him the papers as he shuts the door, "Check it yourself."

There's a silent exchange between them, Callum keeping his eyes on Ben, not moving until Ben wobbles the papers to turn his attention elsewhere. It's only then that Callum looks down to the papers in his hand, taking them from him, and then skimming over the details.

The more he reads, the more Callum realises this _is_ real. Seeing a price tag like that worries him a little, and Callum's never seen a number that big before. If anything, he'll have to get it checked properly, behind Ben's back, somehow.

He keeps them, switching his focus to Ben. 

"So? Do you kindly accept my gift?" Shrugs Ben, casual, as if he's done this sort of exchange before.

He still doesn't believe it. Callum doesn't know or believe in _any_ man that would steal his car and then willingly buy him a new one that's so much more expensive that it almost turns into a joke only Ben can laugh at.

"I'll accept it if I never have to see you again, and that you stay _out_ of my life." They're harsh terms, but it's what Callum wants him to follow.

Ben squints, trying to find fault in his request to make it work to his liking, but nothing. Callum won't take his eyes away, almost challenging him to the games Ben always seems to play. But, Ben doesn't bite, stepping back and allowing space for Callum to decide on his own.

As Callum steps forward to open the door, Ben's hand is there, palm to the edge of the door with a slam and shutting it again. The smirk on his face says it all, that the games have only just begun.

"Well, it's not _entirely_ free," and Ben bites his lip, settling thoughts inside Callum that start to twist his stomach. "I may be a generous man, but not _that_ generous."

Well, that's no surprise, considering what he's already done to Callum in the space of a few days. Either way, Callum won't allow himself to simply let Ben do whatever he wants like last time, so he'll let Ben take the lead, only for Callum to decide where it goes.

Ben takes his silence as permission, not that he's asking.

"Work for me," he says, casual, tilting his head in a manner that oozes confidence. Callum may be taller, but this is his element, and Callum doesn't know where to tread on the ice beneath his feet. "You'll pay this off in due time."

"Work for _you?"_ Callum scoffs, taking a step back, "No, _no._ I ain't doing that."

"Why not? It's more exciting than making fancy fish and chips on a monday and then going home to play happy lovers with your girlfriend. Mind you, must be good if you're saying no to _this."_

He can't tell if Ben means the car, the job, or Ben _himself._ Callum thinks it might be the latter, and his insides twist again.

"Come on, everyone wants a piece of me," Ben stretches his arms wide, "Bad boys always get people going."

"There's no chance in hell I'm working for you," He's walked into this, willingly, and now everything is _more_ messed up. "I don't believe you, nor do I believe this -- _car._ There's no ounce of good in you, and I'm not hunting for a life that's anywhere near yours. I'm _fine."_

Ben clicks his tongue, looking away towards the floor. "Just tyna' do you a favour, Callum. You saved me a lot of trouble the other night by lending me your wheels. I simply want to return the favour, I've got enough enemies as it is."

Callum faces him again, pointing at Ben directly.

"Then do _me_ a favour and leave me alone," Callum drops the papers to the floor, Ben not following them, completely set and focused on Callum and the way his jaw clenches. Ben feels as if this is only the surface, hidden anger beneath that's been hiding for a long time, and still is. "I don't want your car, and I _don't_ want your job."

As he turns around, Ben takes a step to follow him, stopping himself before he allows something else take over. 

"I need a partner," Ben's voice has picked up, bordering on begging, but Callum doesn't pick up on it, neither does Ben himself. "Last one pulled out to start a family, so."

"So?" Callum scoffs at him, turning back, and their few steps of distance doesn't mean they need to raise their voice, but Callum does anyway, "You just expect me to say yes after everything you've done to me?"

Callum's voice echoes around the hall, and he can't look anywhere besides Ben. The same blue eyes he saw last night are focused on him once more, but this time it all feels different. It's as if anything he'll say really could be the last time he'll see Ben.

But he's not here to see _Ben,_ and neither did he expect him to be here, or a car so decked out he's worried how the _hell_ he's going to explain it to Whitney.

"No," is all Ben comes out with, looking to the car half unveiled beside him. "I know it'll take time."

"I'm not giving you any of my time," Callum throws the keys on the warehouse floor, ignoring how much the ringing noise hurts his ears. "I'm done. Leave me alone."

Callum gives him one last look before he turns around and leaves. It's another few seconds or so until he reaches the door again, and he's pushing it open with so much force Ben thinks the old, rusted metal will give way.

"I'll call you, sunshine!" Humour always helps Ben cover things he's not sure of.

It doesn't, though, and Ben continues watching him until he slams the door. There's fading footsteps outside, but this time, it's Callum's turn to walk away.

Ben sighs, closing his eyes, hand to his neck and pushing his thumb against the side of his jaw. He knew this wouldn't be easy. Callum isn't exactly the man that screams street racer, but Ben isn't a man to give up so easily.

Picking up the keys, he pockets them, pulling down the sheet on the car to keep it free from dust while he's gone. He gives one firm tap to the hood before leaving towards his own car parked on the other side hidden in darkness.

Its black coat avoids light, completely for the night. Ben switches the engine on, roaring into life, sweet music to his ears, sound he can _feel,_ and he's out of the warehouse ten minutes later.

Callum needs time, and Ben knows how to weave it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me writing this chapter: doggy :)


	4. echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Callum looks back at the week, and more importantly, how he can't stop thinking about Ben._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much, once again, for all the love you lovely people are giving this fic! The story is starting to move now, and I'm excited for everyone to see what's coming
> 
> I've seen a few people trying to find me on tumblr, and you can find me here - [callumslove](https://callumslove.tumblr.com/)  
> I guess you can ask questions about this fic there if you'd like? If people do that? I dont know, but there you go!!
> 
> Thanks to Jay for helping me make some final decisions on this chapter, wouldnt have got this posted without you <3
> 
> Enjoy!!!!
> 
> tw / ptsd mention/scene

A week goes by, and nothing happens.

Ben doesn't call, text, or even show his face on the square for a whole week. Callum didn't think he'd give up, expecting Ben to turn up at his door with that grin he unfortunately remembers.

Without him, Callum's had a normal week. Well, a normal week _without_ a car. It's not _too_ bad, but the bus journey home after such a long shift cooking and serving food _does_ get annoying. 

It could be worse, right? Ben could be pestering him, texting him, calling him every single day until Callum gives up just to _shut_ him up.

But he has his life back, and it's rather nice. He's been on a few lunch dates with Whitney, helped Mick reshape the Vic's food menu once more, and on this very Sunday again, he's walking Pip. 

Callum's managed to obtain that freedom Ben, and yet, he feels partly disatisfied. Something's missing, and it's not just a car. Matter of fact, he probably won't admit it, because then it's true and Callum will just be frantic every time his phone pings.

It'll take time, that's what he says to himself, and Callum's trying so hard to listen to his own advice when that sly grin comes to the forefront of his thoughts.

"Pip, come on," Callum gestures his head forward, having snapped out of his thoughts.

The patter of her paws on the wet mud means she'll need a bath later, and Callum's partly thankful for the task that'll distract his mind once more. This time last week he was calling Ben, willingly agreeing to go wherever Ben sent him.

Ben has power, more than Callum wants him to have, and it's Callum's own fault for allowing him every next step; getting in the car with him that first night, wanting to talk to him in the Vic, agreeing to go to that location for some hot chance at a new car.

Everything Callum's done, it's given Ben that room to _reach,_ to sink his claws in so deep Callum can't shake him from his thoughts.

But he's gone now. If Ben wanted to do anything, he would've done it by now. Or at least, that's what Callum tells himself at night so he can get some sleep.

Callum does keep hope, or whatever version of hope he calls it, that Ben _will_ come back. He'll say to himself that it's not true, that it's just some demon on his shoulder entertaining themselves, but he misses his witty jokes and how he used to look at him. 

He's Ben's entire focus when he's around; those blue eyes that look back, that _smirk._ Callum _misses it._

Callum is a people person, but he's never fit, never been looked at like he's an importance. Whitney does, of course, but it makes Callum feel a little ill, like he's not sure if it's true. He's not sure if that's just himself or something about Whitney. But, saying that, the way Ben looks at him _could_ be part of his game, the back and forth that keeps pulling Callum closer when Callum _knows_ not to play with fire. 

Sue a guy for being intrigued. He's met people like Ben before, but they're not _Ben._ They're not the Ben that offered a second car, left his phone alone when he had every chance to snoop through his entire life. 

And Callum hasn't forgotten that night in the alley, the pained voice, the _barely_ open exterior that Ben is a lot more than fast cars and money. Granted, it's all guesses, little thoughts that dance from one to another, a _maybe_ here and there.

As they reach the end of the footpath, his usual bus is slowly making it approach to the shelter. Pip knows the drill, bounding towards it, and the driver knows her well. It pulls over before Callum's even there, and with his usual beaming smile, he buys his ticket and sits down, Pip sitting between his legs.

Staring out the window on the way home, Callum closes his eyes, that very night coming back to him as the road rocks the bus gently. 

He thinks about Ben, sitting beside him in the driver's seat and the quiet, tense atmosphere. Then there's the smile he gave him when he looked over, Callum's own words thrown back to him, as if he'll try and say anything that will change Ben's mind.

His fists clench, and Callum opens his eyes to Pip looking back at him. Callum smiles, scratching her cheek as he sighs. Pip must sense his uneasiness, Callum usually being interested in the scenery, not closing his eyes to rebuild a memory.

Pip gets up when she spots familiar landmarks, home being near, and Callum allows one of the kids on the bus to say hello as they leave for their stop. They even wave through the window back to Callum as the bus sets off again.

Callum's phone pings, and he grows cold for a moment. It'd be just his luck to have Ben magically manifest after spending most of the morning thinking about him.

He hasn't thought about him much in the week, work and Whitney being big enough distractions, but Sunday morning is always empty for him to go over whatever he needs to. 

For the second time running, it's been about Ben. He'll probably need to book a session to make sure he doesn't bottle it all up again.

Bringing out his phone, his chest eases a little, but still tight.

_Whitney, 9:45AM: [still up for movie night tonight? x]_

_Shit._ He forgot about that.

_Callum, 9:46AM: [yeah sure :) will get snacks before you pop over x]_

_Whitney: [you're the best! see you tonight x]_

Callum sinks into the bus seat, eyes closed and sighing. _Please_ don't let this be the night Whitney tries something, not now, not when he can barely grasp his own thoughts.

As the bus stops not soon after, Callum gets up, thanks the driver and heads down the street towards his home sweet home. Seeing no car outside does make him sad, _and_ brings Ben's name and face into his thoughts, but it doesn't take much to shake them away.

That's a lie. They're pretty much always there, hidden.

"No jumping on the chairs, Pip," he smiles down as Pip looks up at him, covered in mud. The early morning rain soaked the field, and Pip isn't one to shy away from rolling in every dirty puddle she could find. "Let's get you cleaned up, shall we?"

Thank the heavens his floor in the entryway is all tiles, because carpet with Pip and her mud puddle habits would drive Callum _insane._ He'd still love her to bits though, and still does now.

Pip bounds through the door, heading straight for the bathroom, knowing a morning of mud equals a bath shortly after they're home.

Callum locks the door behind him, drinking a glass of water soon after and then heading to the bathroom. There's mud _everywhere,_ but Pip is sitting inside the tub waiting, ears up and wagging her tail. He laughs, a scene like this never gets old.

Callum squints at her, walking over and rolling up his sleeves.

"You're a nightmare, you are!" Switching on the shower head, he brings it down to her head, and Pip, as always, tries to bite at the water spray, drinking it at the same time.

Callum laughs again, smiling from ear to ear. Perhaps not everything is bad right now, not when he has this.

_\- - -_

After Callum goes through a shower himself, thanks to Pip and the shaking, he freshens up and dresses comfy. He only needs to go get snacks and make up something to eat for later.

Hopefully he can make up the excuse that he has work tomorrow so Whitney doesn't stay late. After all, it's not really an excuse anyway.

Pip dries off by the fireplace, and Callum eats a quick sandwich while he checks through his emails. All boring.

He does, however, email his councesseler, asking for a session some time next weekend. Callum hasn't been in a few months, and with his routine being out of shape from what it usually is, it's better to be safe than sorry.

While Pip snores in her sleep, Callum spends the rest of the day watching films, catching up on TV he can't in the week. Whitney is due to arrive in an hour or two, and while his food is cooking, Callum goes round to the mart, asking Honey how she is and buying snacks for the film.

All normal, all _Callum._

That's until he walks past the Vic, the darkness of the alleyway staring back at him. His fingertips grow cold, as if they're missing that feeling, and his chest twists at the eyes that so vividly paint themselves inside his head.

And then his voice, silk but brave; _are you, Callum?_

Callum rips his focus away from the alley, taking a deep breath that fills his chest with cold, looking to the floor when the blood in his ears starts to thunder.

He can't feel this way, he won't _allow_ himself to feel this way.

Pip greets him at the door, hoping Callum has brought something back with him, and he always does. Callum throws the chewy bone down the hall, and Pip _launches_ after it.

The alarm for his own food dings as he takes his coat off, and the warm stew helps soothe the shake in his hands. 

Hours pass again, and before long, Callum's staring at his watch as an episode he's watching comes to a conclusion, end credits rolling.

It's 22:28PM now, Whitney should be here in two minutes.

The knock echoes through the house, Pip barks, running towards the door. Callum straightens his shirt, nerves starting to form in the shake of his hands. They've been dating for months and yet Callum can't seem to look past them.

As he grips the handle, something cold climbs his spine — dread.

_What if it's Ben?_

Callum bites his tongue, pulls the door open quick enough so that he can't take it back, and his smile fades a little.

"Whit, hey," he steps aside to let her in, Whitney smiling as she steps towards him.

Callum kisses her cheek, and Whitney starts to take off her coat, looking excited. They haven't had a night together in a few weeks, Callum choosing to head to bed early.

"You alright?" Small talk. Callum has to try and make it _not_ awkward somehow, knowing the lies that sit on his lips.

"Yeah, haven't done much, you?" She hangs her coat, bringing her hands together, smiling brightly at Callum.

But Callum, he can't swallow the guilt of hoping that the knock on the door was Ben.

"Not much here, either," he gestures towards Pip, who stares blankly at Whitney. "Walked Pip as usual, had to bath her, just chill really."

"Good!" She says, laughing a little, moving to greet Pip, the dog's ears moving back slightly.

When the couple meet eyes again, they just smile, and it takes a car speeding past the house to knock Callum from the spinning gears in his head.

"You go get comfy, I'll bring these in," Callum gestures to the snacks, wanting to put them into bowls, and Whitney just smiles again and walks towards the living room. 

When Callum looks to Pip, she's grumbling, "Oi, be nice." He still doesn't know why Pip dislikes her so much, but he's settled on the idea that Pip only trusts Callum and no one else because of what's happened in the past. Pip hasn't known Whitney as long as she has Callum, and Whitney doesn't live here and that means less time to grow trust. 

_Whitney moving in,_ he thinks, and then swallows the rock he feels in his throat. No, _no._ Definitely not yet, not while he still has to sort his car problem out.

Pip doesn't move until Callum walks into the living room, carrying the bowls of snacks with him. Whitney already has a movie up, and he sneaks a glance at his phone to see no notifications. 

Sighing as he sits down next to Whitney, Callum blocks the thoughts of Ben, more specifically the phone next to him that has a direct line of contact.

Whitney smiles as she moves to settle into his side, and Callum feels right again. At least, that's until he grows cold, uneasy, a little sick as the movies roll by.

It's past midnight, almost 2AM when Whitney decides to call it a night. She apologises for keeping him up so late when he has work tomorrow, and Callum being Callum shakes his head and says, "Nah, don't worry. Can always catch up next weekend can't I?" 

"That's not the point!" She argues, and Callum laughs a little.

"Honestly, it's nothing," he squeezes her hand. "I had a great time."

Whitney smiles, steps forward and halts before kissing him. Callum meets her halfway, but doesn't do much giving back, leaving quick, trying to hide the way his hands shake incase Whitney notices. She does, but doesn't say anything.

"Night, Cal."

"Night," he opens the door for her and offers to walk her home, but Whitney tells him she'll be alright. Giving her one last smile, he shuts the door with a small thud.

His world goes quiet, and he stands there for a minute before leaning his forehead against the door, and _breathes._

Another week over, one week since Ben. It sounds odd to say, that somehow Ben is such a significant part of his life that Callum's starting to use it as a milestone.

Leaving his hand on the door, Callum steps back, taking another deep breath. His heart always feels heavy around Whitney, as if he's carrying some sort of lie. He didn't notice it much before, but now, it's strangely worrying how much seeing Whitney treads fear over his skin.

Nerves, perhaps, of taking things further, but surely they shouldn't be this bad.

Two loud knocks sound at his door, and Callum jumps, frowning.

Pip barks, running to the door herself, but Callum puts his hand out, "Pip, bed." He's not stern with her, just enough to stop the barking and send her back to bed. Callum closes the door to the living room behind her.

This could be anyone, and the hope comes back again.

But it doesn't actually prepare Callum for when he opens the door, because it's not Whitney saying she's forgot something.

It's Ben, hands in his pockets, breath folding outwards into the cold morning air, those blue eyes Callum remembers moving to focus on Callum's own.

"Fancy seeing you here," Ben's grin cheers on the demons in Callum's stomach.

 _This isn't real,_ Callum whispers to himself, and the increasing stretch of silence fuels Ben's fire even more.

"Makin' you speechless, am I?" He scratches at his own chin, Callum following with his eyes. "People have told me I have a certain _charm."_

Ben is wearing the same coat from last week, wide on his shoulders. Callum literally doesn't know what to say, a mix between anger, fear and curiosity all dancing on his tongue.

Anger wins out, wondering how in _hell_ Ben knows where he lives. He reaches out, grabs Ben's shirt by the collar and pulls him inside as the door slams beside them, teeth grit as he pushes Ben against the wall with a thud.

It only makes Ben's smirk grow, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

He waits a few seconds before speaking, allowing the gaze between them to spread warmth. "Well, Callum, didn't think you'd be the type to skip to third base."

"Shut _up,"_ Callum speaks between his teeth, "How do you know where I live?"

Ben lifts his hands in surrender, shirt still bunched up in Callum's hands, head against the wall.

"Calm down, loverboy. I asked Mick, said I had to talk to you," Ben feels Callum's grip loosen. "Didn't use your phone for that. I'm not _that_ bad."

"Oh, so you draw the line at personal addresses but tick the box for car sharing?" Callum can't help it, there's just something about Ben that irks him.

"I'm being honest here," Ben nods towards him with his head, "And you ought to be grateful, don't do that often."

Callum debates with himself, grinding his teeth before releasing his grip on Ben. It's not without another shove, though, Ben's smirk remaining, and by now Callum wonders if that's his resting expression.

"What are you doing here, Ben?" Callum asks, more of a rhetorical question than a real one, because Ben won't answer it anyway. Callum looks defeated in a matter of seconds, shoulders fallen as Ben stares, stationary. "I said I didn't want anything to do with you."

"Heard that loud and clear when I had to get those keys replaced. You damaged one of the teeth, so, thanks for that," Ben leans against the wall, looking comfortable despite being in a strange house, acting as if he wasn't thrown against it mere seconds before.

And only then does Callum realise his mistake; allowing Ben another step. He's inside Callum's _house._

"I won't ask again," Callum says, shaking his head, frown still stern on his face, "So explain why you're knocking at my door at 2AM — or you can politely leave."

"Polite isn't in my vocab', though." 

Callum really can't stand him. He sighs, turning around and walking to the sink.

_"Get out."_

"But we've barely talked yet! You haven't even offered me a drink!" Ben's words don't match his face, pouting because Callum hasn't welcomed him like he would any other.

Ben isn't any normal guest, though.

"I ain't offering you _nothing,"_ Callum turns to him once more, head high, looking down on him. "Tell me what you want or I'll kick you out myself."

 _This is bad._ He's still giving Ben room to breathe, questions to answer, a door that's slowly opening into Callum's life.

But despite Callum thinking Ben would continue his antics, he doesn't qwip back. There's something in his expression, something Callum can't read, or he's choosing not to.

"There's an event going on," Ben steps away from the wall, towards Callum, eyes trained on him. "Thought I'd extend an invitation to you."

 _Why?_ That's the first question Callum asks himself.

"Sounds great. But it's almost _three_ in the morning and I have work." Callum turns around, tidying up a few plates. He's trying to keep himself busy.

The room grows quiet.

"You're interested."

Callum halts at Ben's words, taking a second to think, but he won't give Ben the satisfaction, "Just get out, Ben."

"You wouldn't have invited me into your house — well, _pulled_ me into your house if you weren't. You wouldn't have come to get that car, either," Ben takes one step closer, hands on the kitchen bar, the only thing separating them. "Be a little daring?"

 _Be a little daring,_ he says. Easier to say than do, unfortunately. Callum scoffs at him, shuffling on his feet, tongue moving across his bottom lip to wet it.

"Am I right?" asks Ben.

"No," Callum replies, sharp. "I'm not interested in your pity party."

"Pity party?" Ben rears his head back before moving it forward with a flick of his chin. "Who said anything about pity? I'm inviting you to something _fun,_ just a group meeting, no adrenaline or exhausting tasks. Beer, music, cars, company — better than a club in my opinion. Sometimes."

Callum knows Ben won't leave until he makes some sort of deal with him, something to satisfy Ben.

So, he'll make a deal, and this time he'll keep it.

"If I go, will you leave me alone when I prove to you I want nothing to do with you?" Callum locks eyes with him, wanting an honest answer, although he doesn't think a staring contest will budge Ben in the slightest.

Ben's smirk comes back, easily carved across his lips, "Didn't you say that last time?" He gestures between them with a single finger. "And look at us now, one step away from telling our parents and disappointing them because we're dating."

Callum looks away at that, breathing hard through his nose before turning back.

"I mean it this time."

"We'll see," Ben replies, voice smooth as silk now, as if it wasn't already. "Let's see how the night unfolds, shall we?"

And like that, Callum signs his name on the dotted line. This time, he can't say no. Curiosity killed the cat, and thankfully Callum isn't one.

Tension stretches between them, and it's a few ticks until Callum parts his lips to speak.

"What do I wear?"

Ben squints at him, "What do you _wear?"_

Callum shrugs, and Ben starts to chuckle behind a closed smile. He doesn't say anything, but he does look Callum up and down, clicking his tongue before meeting his eyes again.

"Don't know, mate. You look fit to me." He doesn't miss the way Callum blanks at those words, not sure how to handle them.

Disgust. Ben's used to it, seen it form on faces he used to think loved him, but it hurts how quickly it morphs Callum's face.

"Be serious, or I'm not coming," replies Callum.

Oh, _god._ Ben has to bite his lip to avoid making a joke about _that._ He simply sighs, tipping his head back, sounding irritated.

"I don't know, _Callum._ It's a car event, not a job interview," and when Ben focuses back on Callum, he's still standing there. "A hoodie, or something. Just — wear anything."

Callum heads to his room sometime after that, gulping in the silence between them. Ben can't help but dig again, "Your girl must be jealous of how long you spend getting ready just to go round the chippy."

He hears Ben, but Callum doesn't respond. It fills Ben with amusement.

When Callum steps back out, he's wearing a grey hoodie and black jeans. Ben doesn't hold back from staring, but he does bring his eyes back up to Callum's face when the tall gent walks up beside him.

"Just an hour, and that's it." Callum doesn't want to be late back, not if he has work.

"You got it, boss," Ben beams a smile towards him as Callum blanks him, gesturing towards the door, allowing him to go first. They couldn't be any more opposite.

As they step out, the cold air bites at exposed skin, and Callum bunches his shoulders together to brisk the first initial breeze.

"Remind me why you guys think it's okay to do everything at night when it's _freezing."_

"Could always be warmer," says Ben, very clearly referencing something in particular. Callum should really stop giving him opportunities, but then again, anything he says Ben takes advantage of in some way.

Perhaps that's why Callum finds him so interesting, wondering what he's going to say next. Callum doesn't give him the satisfaction of a response, although saying he didn't feel something stir inside would be lying.

Turning around, he locks the door after Ben steps out, shoving the keys into his hoodie pocket afterwards. 

Ben starts heading towards his car, and when Callum finally faces it, he pauses for a moment.

It's very, well — _Ben._ American muscle, mean looking, black paint from grill to spoiler. Even the rims inside the wheels are black, completely made for the cover of night.

"I'm driving," Callum says, stern, not believing he's said it himself until Ben laughs a little.

"Fat chance."

"I'm driving," Callum repeats, set on his instincts now to take a little power back, walking towards Ben until he's backed him up against the car.

He's impressed at Callum demanding the reins, not that he hasn't done it before during their small scuffles. 

Callum takes his hand, trying to take the keys from him, but Ben lifts his hand away and inevitably pulls Callum chest to chest as a result. The shock of it makes Callum inhale, knowing he shouldn't have even tried to take them. There's no will in his legs to move back, not when those blue eyes stare back.

And Ben will _always_ find a way to win.

"You don't even know where you're going." He looks down to Callum's lips, and the grip Callum has falters, fingers loose against Ben's hand.

Callum steps back, eyes still on him, a frown appearing, "Then tell me."

Well, Ben didn't expect this. Either way, he leans away from the car so Callum can open the driver door. He says nothing, giving Callum the keys without hesitation.

If this is what it takes for Callum to come along for the ride with him, then so be it. Ben just hopes he's not a bad driver, because this car _is_ his pride and joy, after all.

Callum keeps his eyes on Ben as he takes the keys, and his hands shake again when Ben won't look away. There's no winning against Ben, not when Callum is willingly walking into his this, Ben's confidence as easy as breathing.

"See how nice I was handing ya' those keys?" Ben never really does miss a chance to annoy Callum that bit more. "You should've done the same last Friday and maybe things would've been different."

"Different how? I still wouldn't have a car in either scenario," the keys feel cold in Callum's hand, not sure if he's starting to regret his decision.

He needs some sort of control before Ben takes _all of it._

As he opens the driver door, Callum breaks the lock between himself and Ben, climbing in and suddenly feeling heat lick up his spine.

He's in Ben's car, driving to another location under Ben's will. _Fuck,_ this is _bad._ Callum said he wouldn't do this again, and yet here he is.

His mind takes in too many details, such as the steering wheel being warm where Ben's held it, the seat he's sitting in still warm from Ben's presence. The silence inside the car dawns on him too, and that any second now, Ben will be in the car beside him, a complete switch of roles compared to last Friday.

There's a tingle at the edge of his fingers, adrenaline and nerves mixed into one as he awaits the click of the door. It follows soon after, cold morning air tumbling into the car as Ben makes his way in, the sharp rap of the car door shutting making Callum's heart jump.

Unless he steps back out, this is it. Another long night with a stranger, who in reality, isn't that much of a stranger anymore.

"Go on then, loverboy," Ben points to the ignition key, but Callum stares at his hand instead. They're so close to his own on the wheel. "Start her up, daylight will be here in a few hours."

"Yeah, and I also have work," Callum misses the keyhole a few times, hands unsteady, and Ben watches from the corner of his peripheral vision.

"Call in sick," Ben says with his head back, only looking at Callum with his eyes, smirking when he hears him curse under his breath. "Having trouble with the basics of driving?"

"Can you please _stop_ talking," and at last, Callum wins the challenge, turning the key and feeling the machine rumble to life beneath him, power now at his fingertips.

"I'd say make me, but that would be distracting a driver while driving," Ben finally turns his head, eyes tracking down Callum's neck. "But if you insist, then _maybe_ I can make an exception for you."

Callum raises his hand towards him, "I ain't nothing like that, alright? Stop — _stop_ saying stuff like that, and I have no problem with you but — just leave me out of it, alright?"

"And what are you referring to?" Ben questions, knowing what it is, but the lack of actual clarity from Callum himself tells Ben a different story entirely.

"Leave it," Callums says, almost shouting it, and Ben turns back to look at the road ahead.

"Well, remind me not to come knocking when you're sleep deprived, _and_ after what seems to be an average night with her," leaning his elbow on the car door, Ben feels he should've kept that one to himself considering the silence that follows on Callum's part. "Saw her arrive when I was gonna' knock. Event didn't start for a few hours but thought I'd take you for a spin," Ben turns to him again, looking at Callum's hands on the wheel, knuckles turning white. "Don't worry, I meant it in a completely friendly way, not what your mind is conjuring up."

"I ain't thinking of anything like that," but Callum's a liar, always seems to be since Ben arrived, unsure of anything that comes out of his own mouth.

He's thinking about his guilt when he expected Ben at the door and not Whitney, and _god,_ he was right. It _would_ have been Ben, and Callum feels his lungs squeeze a little, knowing Ben's eyes are on him.

Callum is in Ben's focus, unwavering, inviting.

"Suit yourself," says Ben in reply, turning back to the road. "Now come on, as much as I love teasin' you, this event won't last much longer."

Callum checks his mirrors, puts the car in drive and starts moving. There's definitely more power than his old car, enough to frighten anyone who isn't ready for it. 

All he has to do is keep a level head, ignore Ben's remarks and get through the night to prove to himself he doesn't need Ben. His life is perfectly normal without him, but there's no doubt it'll take time to forget such an experience.

Ben's car has no struggle picking up speed, and Ben himself smiles beside him, amused. 

Callum's about to shift gears, easing on the gas a little, but the pressure in the engine finds release as the exhaust _pops_ with a metallic ring. Fear grips his spine tight, cold and sudden. The car slows, Callum's hands going numb with fear, muscles starting to constrict themselves.

Of course, Ben can feel the car slowing down, but he doesn't take much notice until the seconds drag on.

The exhaust pops again, making Callum slam on the brakes, the engine growling to a low hum. Ben frowns as he turns to Callum, almost having knocked his head.

"And what was that for?" Ben doesn't keep his face for long, as Callum's is pale, and his breathing is suddenly erratic. 

There's a tightness to his throat, breathing a little unsteady as old memories raise their ugly heads. He's almost frozen, and Ben wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't right next to him.

"Stage fright?" Ben jokes, but the lack of annoyance from Callum causes him to press his lips tight. Something is definitely wrong.

"Hey," Ben reaches over, pressing the ignition, turning the engine off. They haven't moved far from his house, and there's no one on the road at this time in the morning. They'll be fine. "Callum?"

Callum stares at the emblem in the middle of the steering wheel, hyper focused and trying to will the thoughts from his head, shoulders starting to squeeze together.

Ben frowns, but this time, it's for confusion. _Why is he locking up like that?_

"Hey," he says again, Ben's hand reaching for him, _"Callum,_ hey."

Ben hesitates, but he soon rests his hand on Callum's left shoulder, light, but then pressing a little more, squeezing to make sure Callum knows he's there. He doesn't even know why he's trying to comfort this guy, a guy who _clearly_ doesn't like him at all.

Ben is still a stranger to him — _both_ strangers to each other — but even if everyone says Ben is a wicked player of every game imaginable, there's still some human left inside of him.

Callum registers the touch, the knot in his chest slowly unwinding, the images of sand and heavy metal dissolving back to the black and white road in front of him.

It was all in his head but felt so, _so_ real.

When he does come to, Callum almost moves into Ben's hand, warm to the touch, soothing. But then it _burns,_ Callum's own demons starting to stir his stomach sickly.

"I'm fine," Callum's voice is rough, pushing Ben's hand away. Denial is quick to settle in because he won't show any sign of weakness in front of Ben, even though he _aches_ now, exhaustion becoming heavy.

Callum doesn't need Ben picking him apart more than he already has.

"Want me to drive?" Ben offers, and Callum closes his eyes.

He sighs through his nose, opens his eyes again to the road and reaches for the handle.

Ben doesn't say anything, watches as the seat becomes empty.

He waits for him to turn around, to hear the sound of Callum coming back — but nothing. Callum has gone back home, and Ben was hopeless to think offering Callum to join him would work.

What is he even trying to achieve anyway?

Ben's about to reach for the handle of his own side when there's a knock on the window, and he's shocked to see it's Callum.

Ben opens the door, gets out, looking at Callum while he parts his lips to speak. He'll give him time, because Ben knows he wants to say something, _anything_ to calm his shaking hands that Ben can see clenched by his side.

"You drive," Callum says, and Ben nods. No need for witty comments. 

Ben leaves the door open for him, walks around to his side of the car and gets in. He takes one look at Callum, head resting back against the seat, eyes closed. 

_Are you alright?_

It's a question that now sits on Ben's tongue, cold, left unspoken.

Reaching for a button on the dial, Ben switches it off, allowing the car to cruise without the added boost, making it a lot more quiet. If it's what Ben thinks it is, then it won't happen again.

As Ben sets off, Callum clenches his fists, waiting for it to happen again, but it doesn't. There's no pop.

Callum opens his eyes to see the road in front, the presence of Ben beside him, and he _breathes._ Ben isn't pushing the car, humming down the road, slowly rocking both of them. The warmth in the car compared to the outside wraps Callum in safety. 

His muscles are tired, aching from what felt like hours of panic, and his eyes grow blurry with each passing second. Callum is beyond control when his eyes fall shut.

He's never felt more alone, more confused than right now. He feels safer with Ben, a stranger.

_It shouldn't be like this, at all._

But he wants to stay here, too, as the lights in the distance from the rear-view mirror inflict fear that something's coming, something he can only outrun in Ben's car.

Callum had to get back in, no matter how much it scared him hearing that metallic pop again, because anything is better than how much more cold he feels outside.

And Ben, maybe it's weird to say, but knowing he's there helps, no matter how much he absolutely resents him. After feeling alone and uneasy, fear evident, Callum is thankful that he's there.

His body falls to slumber, even though he probably shouldn't, but Callum can't stop it. He's drained, headache ringing between his ears, and he just wants to _sleep._

Ben watches him quietly, Callum falling asleep gradually. The lights of the highway overhead flicker over both of them, and Ben welcomes the peace.

The event won't do Callum any good, not now. Frankly, Ben doesn't like the formal ones, but he'll explain that to Callum at some point, _if_ he even talks to him in the morning.

He's not sure how this'll turn out. Callum will either hate him when he wakes up or thank him for understanding. Well, Ben _doesn't_ understand, but from the time he's known Callum, albeit short, this is something else.

Ben can't drive forever, because eventually his fuel _will_ run out, but he'll make the most of it. It'll allow Callum a bit more peace, too.

After a few minutes, Callum shifts, making himself as small as he can, and Ben smiles privately. Right then and there, he decides.

He'll take the long road home.


	5. maybe it's you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ben brought Callum back with him, and he's not sure if it was the right thing to do. But one thing's for sure, he can't get Callum out of his head._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw / ptsd mentions

Dawn greets Ben through the window, orange and peach, warm to the touch. It's rather cold, the heating just kicking in to welcome the inhabitants of the house when they awaken, but Ben is already awake.

Glasses sit on his nose, warm mug of tea in his hand, and the sight of a complete stranger in his house.

Well, Callum is more of a name he knows rather than a name to forget. He's not some guy he saw on the street, accidently knocking his shopping from his hands, asking for his name in the heat of the moment because his smile is so warm and _new._

Maybe they'd be different if they did meet that way, if Ben didn't tug him into a life he doesn't even want his own daughter to see. She'd be afraid of it, saying something like she _doesn't want daddy to go, he should play cars at home!_

It breaks him, every single time, but that's who Ben is, who he's always been and will forever be.

Taking a sip of his tea, he looks back to Callum, way too tall to fit properly along the length of Ben's sofa, pillows piled up so his head can rest comfortably.

Ben shouldn't be staring, but he still can't figure out why Callum acted like that except from the exhaust popping. Surely, Callum would have just jumped, not breaking down and then falling asleep as if every ounce of energy within him is just _gone._

After that, Ben didn't even know what to do. He could've dropped him off back home, left him in the car, or even just tried to wake him up and drop him off anywhere like before.

He couldn't, not this time. Ben had to bring him home, and _god knows_ why he did it because he doesn't bring anyone here except family and the notches on his belt. Callum is different, _so different_ that he's afraid that after this, he won't be able to see him as _some guy_ or forget him as _some guy._

Callum is under his skin, somehow, and Ben wants, _needs_ to figure out why.

Placing his tea down, Ben stands up and walks over to him, pulling up the blanket he found hidden deep in a closet somewhere, thick enough to keep him warm. He even tried to wake him up when they arrived here, but Callum was out cold, and Ben is going to feel it in his back later after having to carry him inside.

There are shadows under Callum's eyes, pain morphing his face a little, and he curls up so small Ben wonders what sort of horror he's seen to be this way. Ben has seen his fair share, been through it himself, but he never expected the guy with the confidence to jump in that car with him the first night to break down in the way he did.

Ben sighs, walking away before he can change his mind. He'll let him sleep.

Checking his watch, Ben needs to go get ready. It's his turn this week to be a guardian angel, and he has to pick her up in an hour. He'll call Callum's workplace too before leaving, say he needs a sick day, because as much as he understands that Callum will be _pissed_ when he wakes up, he needs that sleep.

On the way back down his stairs twenty minutes later, he gives Callum a few more seconds of focus.

What if he wakes up while Ben's out?

Grabbing a piece of paper, Ben writes a note to place on the coffee table along with a glass of water. The less confused and panicked Callum is when he wakes up will make it easier for _both_ of them.

But when he places them down on the table, ready for when he wakes up, Ben curses quietly. The good part of his conscious wants to let him go.

 _You can just buy another one,_ he hears, and then; _you can't drag him into this._

Biting his lip, Ben gives in to the rare occurrence of an angel on his shoulder, taking a set of keys from the many hooks on the kitchen wall and placing them on the coffee table to weigh down the note.

There. Perfect. As perfect and as odd as _it_ is.

Ben turns around quickly before he can change his mind and heads out the door, not giving himself one last look at Callum.

It'll be harder to let go that way.

\- - -

Sunlight chases Callum, minute by minute crawling across the floor and climbing up the sofa until it hits his back. He's warm, probably too warm because he's starting to sweat a little, but there's no escaping the slumber he's in.

He's stuck between a jaded dream and complete silence. The dream is all blurred shapes, whispered words he doesn't know the language of and fantasy worlds that only exist in the world of imagination.

Callum was afraid to fall asleep, sat in that car seat with rats of exhaustion eating away at every ounce of energy, pushing him, almost _drowning_ him until his eyes closed.

He was afraid of feeling fear, of feeling alone in darkness he can't help but live because he's too tired to wake up. For the few times he's been hit badly with panic and unsettling triggers of his PTSD, Callum has never had a period after that's gone smoothly, taking days to recover.

Callum usually tosses and turns in his sleep, cries without permission from his own will, and his skin becomes so itchy and cold and _irritating_ that it doesn't feel like his own. But he can't escape it, because it drains him, so much so that the pain drags him down and he can't climb out again until the pain has already poisoned and gone.

It was different, though, this time. Someone was there. _Ben_ was there.

More importantly, it was the feeling of _safety,_ the tyres of the car rocking him over the subtle bumps and wavy surfaces of the road. The headlights of the highway breached through closed eyes, reminding Callum of a world out there, and just the _feeling_ of someone else beside him, even though he couldn't see him helped keep him stable.

Pip, she does the same. When Callum gets down, or for when he can feel the signs of a panic coming, he calls her name and they don't leave each other's side.

She wasn't there this time, but Ben was in his own, distant, _I don't show my feelings_ way.

Callum can't remember Ben lifting him out of the car, helping him walk sleepily to the front door of his house, the tender touch Ben gave him when the blanket was pulled over him. He doesn't remember any of it, but he does recall Ben saying something, a mumble, inaudible.

It won't plague him enough to ask, but Callum was out cold no longer than a second after he said it. It's strange to even think Callum would get back in the car, very well knowing the outcome of when things like this happen — but that wasn't the forefront of his focus. If anything, it was foolish to think he wouldn't fall asleep, but he can't change what's happened.

Sleep eases its grasp over him eventually, gently coaxing him awake to the warmth on his back and the sound of nature outside. He counts them in his head, one, two or maybe even three birds twittering about something.

This isn't the sound he usually wakes up to. It's either Whitney fumbling in his kitchen or the sound of car doors outside, or someone dropping a metal pole haphazardly while setting up their market stool.

Waking up for Callum is usually sudden, pushed into a working day because there's bills to pay.

Waking up isn't — _this._

Birds, warm sunlight, softness holding his head and a general feeling of _warmth._ He doesn't _want_ to get up, to face the day, to answer his phone or fake a smile because he just wants to stay here.

But he doesn't know where _here_ is, because this doesn't feel like his bed, and his feet aren't being slept on by a dog.

There's a rumble outside, something mechanic crawling over pebbles, crunching until it halts. Callum listens in, hearing a familiar hum to that sound, but it's cut off seconds later. 

Clicks, footsteps, a small voice sounding excited but muffled by walls. And then another voice, deeper.

Another click, the door swinging open as that same small voice travels through.

"But do you _promise?"_

Callum is awake enough now, and the voice is close enough for him to realise it's a little girl. And then the other voice, well, doesn't exactly keep him mellow and guarded in his sleep.

"Of course, princess," Ben says, placing her down onto the floor. "Go unpack before I take you to school, yeah?"

The sound cuts out again, and Callum almost drops back off until his thoughts start whirring once more.

Stirring, Callum breathes deep, the voice of Ben settling panic inside. He can't remember much of last night, and if he's not home and Ben is here, there's no telling what the truth is.

It doesn't prepare him for when he turns around, eyes opening to a blurred image of Lexi, Ben's little girl offering her hand out.

"Daddy said your name is Callum!" Lexi's smile is bright, welcoming, and she begins to come into focus when Callum rubs the sleep from his eyes. "It's nice to meet you, Callum!"

He can't help it, the smile appearing on Callum's face as easy as breathing. Sitting up properly, the blanket falls from his shoulders, and he's reminded that he's still in last night's clothes. 

"It's lovely to meet you too," he shakes her hand, and Callum's heart coos at how _tiny_ her hand is compared to his own. "And what's your name?"

She fakes a gasp, turning to Ben who Callum catches a glimpse of.

He's staring directly at Callum, eyes a little wide, hands frozen as if he doesn't know what to do with them. Callum takes his eyes away, looks around, and then finally focusing on the note that sits on the table.

It's addressed to Callum, and it's from Ben, but he never got chance to read it considering Ben looks like he's shocked at him being here.

"Dad! You didn't tell Callum my name?" 

Callum smiles, laughing when Lexi turns back to him, crossing her arms with a dramatic huff. 

And then it hits him — Ben's a _dad?_

Lexi raises her head as she moves a bit of blonde hair over her shoulder, "Well! My name is Lexi, since someone didn't tell you!"

Alright, this is _definitely_ Ben's kid, without a doubt.

It's still a lot to take in.

Ben, the guy who had bruises on his face that first night, twisting Callum's tongue with jokes and remarks any chance he could get, leather jacket and all broody, holding himself with respect — _that_ Ben has a kid?

Well, that's judging a book by its cover, but he didn't expect a _kid._

Callum nods his head, putting on a serious face that doesn't hide his smile, "Lovely to meet you, Miss Lexi."

She does a little bow, raising her princess tiara as if it were a hat.

"Daddy doesn't always bring his friends home," she says, unaware that Ben has gone tense beside her, Callum also feeling the switch in the air. "It's nice to finally meet one!"

Ben stutters, "Lexi, we—"

"We're friends, yeah," Callum cuts in, and Ben's stern, held expression softens. "Only recently, though!"

Lexi smiles, turning back to Ben who quickly smiles in return, but Callum doesn't know if it's genuine or not.

"Come on, you," Ben tickles her side, and she laughs, Ben steering her away from Callum. "Go unpack! You have school!"

"Okay okay!" She says, running off and up the stairs, humming a song as she goes.

Callum rubs his hands on his knees, nerves settling in. What the _fuck_ does he say?

"You didn't have to do that." Ben beats him to it.

"She's a kid," replies Callum, sighing. "Besides, she's adorable."

Ben smiles privately, turning his head away, and Callum stares at the note, wanting to read it.

"Thought you'd be gone," Ben says, a little quiet. He doesn't want Lexi to hear.

"Guess I'm still here," Callum removes the blanket entirely, standing up and folding it. "What time is it?"

Ben swallows, Callum missing the way he bites his lip. He doesn't want to tell him, and there's a good reason for it.

"It's almost nine," he watches as Callum pauses, expression slowly changing.

_"Almost nine?"_

Callum checks his watch, curses under his breath and throws the blanket down. He's storming past Ben quicker than he can tell himself no.

"Callum," Ben calls after him, taking hold of his arm.

He halts, looks down to where Ben holds him carefully and pulls his arm away from his grasp. Ben hides the small pinch of hurt.

"I called in sick for you," and that just ignites more fire in Callum's eyes. "You were — _bad,_ last night. Couldn't get you to wake up no matter what. I didn't know how much you needed so I… yeah."

"You just decided for me? When you don't even know how I'm feeling?" Callum turns to him properly, trying to keep his voice down. "Just because I got back into that car with you? That don't mean shit."

 _Does it?_ His demons whisper back to Callum, and even despite the venom in his words, Ben doesn't flinch or look away to absorb the blow.

"Fine," replies Ben, turning to snatch the note and car keys from the table, "I'll drive you back."

"Uh, no," holding his hand up, Callum points at his chest. _"We_ ain't goin' anywhere. I'll drive back myself, go to work _myself."_

Ben bites his bottom lip. He really doesn't want to keep talking to Callum because the more he does, the more Callum peels away the carefully built layers. 

He's nowhere near the first one, but knowing he _could_ be scares Ben more than he'd like to admit.

"You were out cold for hours, and you have bags under your eyes larger than Lexi's shopping sprees. You ain't fit to drive," Ben takes the keys back when Callum reaches for them, ignoring him.

"Give me the keys," Callum says, not having a thought to think they're not actually _his._

"Thought you didn't want this car," Ben says, cold, distant.

Callum pauses, looking to the keys and spotting the identical logo to the blue car he saw the other night — the beauty he outright denied.

"What? — You _kept it?"_

"Really?" Ben scoffs, shaking his head. "You think I'd just get rid of it because some guy said he didn't want it?"

 _Some guy._ There it is again.

Why does that hurt more than it should? Why does it make him feel so cold?

Callum parts his lips, words clasped to his tongue, unable to speak as Ben continues to stare, the harsh tone of words matching the distant distate on his face.

"Have it," Ben eventually replies, shoving both the note and keys at Callum's chest, skin growing colder. "Don't want it, and that way, you'll never see me again."

Catching the objects before they fall, Callum remains silent, staring at the blue eyes he's found so interesting before, eyes that are now cold and dotted with a past only the host can feel the pain of.

Ben's name hangs in Callum's throat, not sure what else to say, and he doesn't get chance as Lexi is now bounding down the stairs, school bag in tow.

"Ready!" She says, running to Ben's side and tugging at his hand, but the two men are completely locked.

Their eyes are speaking a language neither of them know and Callum exhales, heavy but quiet when Ben finally looks away.

"There you are!" Ben chimes, taking Lexi's hand, smiling as if it's easy.

"Can Callum come?" Lexi peers behind Ben as they walk to the door, smiling at Callum who has no energy to smile back. She notices.

"No, dear. He's got to go to _work,"_ sarcasm drips from that word, kneeling down to fix and zip up her coat.

"Another time?" Question after question, and the more Lexi is blind to the thread snapping between Ben and Callum, the more it hurts for Ben to keep pretending.

Ben just smiles, not being able to lie. He can't lie to Lexi.

Opening the door, he leaves it open for Callum but doesn't spare him a glance when he finally walks towards Ben.

Locking up, Ben picks up Lexi with a huff, smiling and ignoring Callum's watchful gaze, almost mourning what he doesn't even have.

"Bye, Callum!"

Lexi waves over Ben's shoulder, oblivious to how much it feels like a final goodbye, not even spoken by Ben himself.

Callum feels it all the same.

As Ben gets into his own car, Callum looks around what seems to be a small, tucked away paradise for a home. The blue car sits just beside it under a wooden covering, ivy growing and curling around the planks.

He heads towards it, keys heavy in his hand, and they remain that way until he's opening the door and sitting inside.

It feels awful, not like how he expected it to. Callum doesn't have this car because of an agreement, he has it because of how he's spoken to Ben.

The note sits in his lap, and Callum pushes his thumbs into his palms for a few seconds, mustering the courage to read a few short words on a note. After staring blindly for a few more seconds, he picks it up, feeling like he's unable to read, letters jumbled on the page.

_Fuck._

He just needs to get home. He'll worry about all of this later; about the car, about _Ben._

Switching the car on with what resembles a launch button, Callum hesitates looking out the window of the driver's side towards Ben's house.

It's a two tier cottage brought to life straight from a kids book, and there's a few more cars dotted around, some under roof and cover like the car he's in now, and some left to shine in the sun.

Callum expected a dark, away from civilization base of operations, not happy families.

Lexi, Ben's daughter, seems oblivious to what her father does, or at least some of it, because he's never seen Ben act that way before. They've only known each other through small scuffles and chance circumstances, but seeing Ben act the way he did with Lexi, there's something else to Ben.

There's more than just broody, distant and a permanent smirk carved on his lips. He's a man of so much more, and Callum feels as if he's lost that without even seeing it.

_Why do you even want it?_

Callum launches the car forward at that thought, the sound of the engine drowning out whatever he's going to ask himself next. 

There's momentary fear, the metallic pop, but it's not as bad. It's more controlled, natural and not forced by extra inner workings.

It's fast, too fast, and he's not surprised if Ben _does_ want it back because it's made for the road, more so than anything he's driven before.

But as soon as the city and housing starts to grow around him, people stare, take pictures, pointing. The car itself is a statement.

Callum sinks into the seat, taking a deep breath, listening to the nauseating indicator _click click click_ as he waits for the lights to go green.

He feels broken, frayed at the edges, and all of these people looking at him with nowhere to go starts to squeeze his airway, fingers itching, tightening around the wheel.

As soon as he sees green, Callum goes for it, cheers from the gathered audience as the engine roars. He's not doing it for them, he's doing it for the anxiety gnawing at his back.

Once he's back on familiar road, he turns off the navigation screen inside the car, the _turn left_ and _turn right_ instructions starting to feel like commands instead of guidance.

In the square, he hopes no one sees him, but some do, and when he pulls up to his house, Callum fears stepping out.

There's freedom in here, to step on the pedal and go wherever he wants as long as there's road. At home, he has Pip, and she can come with, explore the sights and run in as many fields as she wants.

But Whitney, she's here, and it didn't even occur to Callum that he'd be leaving her behind.

Closing his eyes, he slams the wheel with both hands, the heat from the impact turning his palms red. He doesn't know what to do, combing his hand through his hair, pulling the handle to step out seconds later.

"Callum?" 

Whitney.

Suddenly, he feels more than sick. Callum feels like he doesn't know himself, and because he doesn't register Whitney's call, she's by his side a few seconds later, confusion and worry painted over her face.

"Whit," is all he can say, a smile so forced it almost becomes laughable.

"You didn't answer my texts this morning, and now you turn up in – _this?"_ She steps back, looking at the car, knowing _exactly_ how much Callum can afford, and it's not this.

"Does it really matter if I don't?" Callum can't catch the words before they slip from his mouth, and Whitney scoffs at him.

"Am I not allowed to worry about you?"

Callum tips his head back, "I just — I wanna be left alone, alright?"

He's moving past her, and Whitney walks after him, right up until they stop at Callum's door.

"You didn't go to bed after I left, did you? You went back out to god knows where, and you just expect me to not worry?" Whitney places her hand on the door, preventing Callum from opening it.

"Whitney," he sounds desperate, bottom lip trembling. "Please, just leave me alone."

"Callum," her voice is turning soft, and Callum feels his heart squeeze. "You know I care about you."

_Not like this, not like this._

He turns to her, frowning, "Do you?"

And he has no idea why he says that, but it's what his heart begs him to say, to question what he's always felt.

"What?" Is all Whitney can say.

"If you care about me," he twists the key in the lock, Whitney's hand moving from the door in shock of that question. "Just — give me space."

The door slams behind Callum, and in a way, she's not hurt. She's never been told of Callum's PTSD, but there's been signs, and Whitney knows that this isn't _her_ Callum, but something else going on.

If he's been out all night, then he's tired, and the Callum that Whitney's come to know wouldn't lie to her. So if Callum needs space, she'll give it to him.

Callum, on the other hand, is freezing inside his own home, suddenly aware that he's left his jacket at Ben's house, and he could honestly rip his own hair out from the thought of going back.

He's fucked up. He's allowed Ben to walk into his life when Callum said to himself that he wouldn't, that after the first night he'd just forget it ever happened and move on.

But he can't, not when there's something about Ben, so utterly confusing yet sickeningly addictive that he can't _help_ but want him to pop up out of nowhere. If he does, then it's not his own fault that he's twisted up his routine, but _Ben's._

There's whining coming from behind a door, paws that scratch against wood. _Pip._

He forgot he closed the door when Ben came here, and he hurries to turn the handle in panic.

Pip looks up to him, ears down, tail between her legs.

 _"God, Pip,"_ he says, lips trembling so much he can't help it when he feels salt fall over them. _Tears._

Pip stands back as Callum slides down the door, hair falling to one side as he feels his chest cave in, and his lungs cry out.

Callum reaches for her, and Pip crawls over his lap, head over his shoulder as Callum hugs her close, _"I'm sorry. 'M so sorry."_

He hiccups as Pip nuzzles her cold nose into his skin, and Callum hates how he can't hear anything but his own sobs, breaking apart at the edges when he's been held together with fragile means for so long.

Pip's tail doesn't even move, dead weight, but that doesn't mean anything other than she's hurting, because Callum is, and she can feel every rumble in his chest of sandpaper against his lungs, trying so hard to keep it in when he can't.

He doesn't know why he's crying, why he's hurting — is it because he left Pip for so long? Is it because of the way he shut out Whitney? Or is it the way he can't stop thinking about _Ben?_

Callum is so confused, so sharp against his own fragile mind that it _hurts_ to try and figure it out, that all he can do is suffer and wait for the pain to go away.

Closing his eyes, Callum tries to calm down, but he just holds Pip closer, and there's no stopping it.

The dam breaks.

\- - -

When Ben gets back, he doesn't look where the blue car should be. He knows it's gone, and he hoped it would be so every reminder of Callum is as if he never existed.

Frankly, Ben shouldn't say that, thinking it's as easy as that when the first thing he spots when he walks inside his home is Callum's jacket hung over the kitchen chair.

He pauses in the doorway, swallowing the little victory his subconcious celebrates because he'll have to give it back, or that Callum will have come back for it.

Ben slams the door behind him, wiping his hand down his face as he approaches the jacket, picking it up with the intent of — _throwing it._

But he can't, because the material is so cold on his skin, and it reminds him of how cold Callum's cheek was when he brushed his thumb against his face.

 _I can't think like this,_ Ben says to himself, leaving the jacket where it is, hoping that he has enough strength to ignore it before he decides to give it back himself so they can both move on.

Ben grabs a beer from the fridge, pops the cap open on the marble side only to realise he _can't_ drink this. Even if he's allowed to have one, he just empties it down the sink and settles for lemonade instead.

That way, he'll still feel some sort of burn, a distraction from how loud the thought of Callum is inside his head.

He sighs as he sits down on the couch Callum slept on, the seat already cold. That stings, too, emotionally.

Why is he so angry about Callum? The guy didn't do anything but give back the same medicine Ben's been using all these years, but it's not with the same intent.

He doesn't feel hatred when Callum talks to him that way, the burn in his blue eyes seemingly cold more than hot. Ben sees confusion, a sense of uncertainty, and he seems to hold it back because it's easier to hide it than believe it.

Then again, why can he read Callum so easily? Today, when Lexi was by his side and they shared that glance at one another, Ben almost thought he was looking back at himself — his _old_ self, the person that wasn't him, wasn't the _truth._

Ben necks back the lemonade, the burn in his throat soothing as well as distracting, because no matter how much he tries to stop thinking about him, he can't.

The jacket comes into focus again, and Ben is bringing out his phone faster than he can tell himself no.

He should wait, let Callum breathe or think back on what he's said, not that Ben deserves any apology considering what he's done. But when has he cared for anyone but himself, right? That's what everyone says, that he cares for no one _but_ himself, and that won't change because of _some guy._

Opening his phone, he types a new message to Callum, hitting send without checking what he's written.

_Ben, 11:12AM: [you left your jacket here]_

Ben throws his phone to the side, leaning back, and _waits._ Lexi won't finish school until three, so he has time to beat himself up about why Callum spends so much time around him when he's not even _here._

\- - - 

It's hours until Callum gets up from the sofa, Pip asleep by his side. He's ignored his phone ever since he got home, and since then he's just spent time with himself.

On the way to get a glass of water, he checks the calendar on his fridge. His meeting is in a week, and Callum wishes it was closer, knowing that if he doesn't get a grasp on his emotions soon, he's going to hit rock bottom again.

Beside him, his phone pings on the table, the screen illuminating the dark room. It's around five in the afternoon, and even though there's still light, Callum has his blind partly drawn and his curtains completely drawn in the living room.

The show he's watching carries through to the kitchen, the main couple declaring their love and kissing on a bridge where they first met. Callum isn't really interested, just needing something easy to watch so he can settle his soul.

Sitting down, he ignores the phone for something more pressing. Ben's note, still folded away in his hoodie pocket.

He brings it out, unfolds it, and a smile starts to form at Ben's awful handwriting. Callum can barely read it, but what makes him smile more is that Ben, the guy who doesn't look like he'd ever leave a little note, actually left a note for him to explain why he was there.

It's more than most people have done.

So he sighs, and reads.

_Callum,_

_You'll probably hate me more than you do when you wake up, but can't change that now. Called in sick for you at work, because no offence, you look like shit._

_Keys are for the blue car, you know the one. Keep it. I've done enough damage, don't want to do anymore._

_Nice knowin ya, Callum._

_Ben_

The little tickle in his chest fades out when his phone pings again.

He takes a quick glance, seeing _Whitney._ Callum has to face her eventually, explain his actions, the car, maybe even about Ben.

Sighing, he picks up the phone, just wanting to check what she's said. It's just as he expected, the whole _I'm here for you, text me when you're ready, I'm worried about you._ It's — nice, but not something Callum really has an answer to.

He presses the back button to go back one, and Ben's name is highlighted. One new message.

Callum hesitates, thumb hovering over his name. He's going to have to decide here and now wether to keep Ben in his life or try and forget him.

Opening the text, Callum feels relieved that it's just about his jacket, then dissapointment because Callum wanted a little more.

What does he even _want_ from him? From _Ben?_

Callum folds the note back up, placing it on the top of his shelf. Something inside him doesn't want to throw it away.

He takes his phone back to his living room, sitting down with a huff, starting to type while it's still on his mind.

_\- - -_

_"Uh!_ That's cheating!" Ben points to Lexi's side of the table where she's managed to steal _all_ of the cake decorations.

"No it's not!" She says, giggling when Ben goes to reach for some icing, but Lexi taps his hand. "It's healthy competition."

"You're getting too much like me, madam!" He's smiling from ear to ear, Callum finally free from his mind. But there's no doubt as soon as their little cake adventure is over with, Callum will be right there like he never left.

Ben's trying hard to dress the cakes as well as he can, never being that good creatively except dancing and karaoke at the pub. Lexi is beating him by a mile, and as much as they're competitive, Ben always loves seeing Lexi smile, because sometimes she's the only light that's ever come from Ben. She's proof that maybe Ben isn't all that bad, even though he thanks Lola for raising her better than Ben thinks he ever could.

He tries to be a good dad, but he feels he's going to fail her at some point even though he tries to be as good as he can, better than his own father ever was.

"Look!" She says, pointing to a cake that she's just finished.

Ben looks, and his heart sinks, "That's beautiful, Lex."

"I miss her a lot," her voice grows quiet, putting more green icing on the bottom.

"I know, princess," he leans over, kissing the top of her head. "I bet she does too."

"You think?" Lexi turns to Ben, hope in her smile.

Ben doesn't know, so he just nods, kissing her forehead again. "Now come on, finish those last three and I'll start tidying up."

Her happy little _okay_ makes Ben laugh, and he turns around to start piling all the dishes into the washer. His phone pings, and he thinks it's a text from Jay or Lola, idly pressing the message open when he stops in his tracks

_Callum, 17:23PM : [can we talk]_

Callum's texted back, and Ben doesn't know what to do. He started the ever aching process of forgetting him, expecting no reply, but now here he is, _wanting_ to talk to Ben.

Granted, he doesn't know what it's about, but having the thought of seeing him again makes Ben feel a little giddy, as if there's a chance.

A chance for what, however, is yet to be understood, even for Ben. He just wants to see Callum, and he has no idea why other than he just _wants_ to, like everything seems more simple and bright with him around.

_Ben, 17:24PM: [yeah]_

_What else is he meant to say?_ He just hopes Callum doesn't freak out wondering what to reply. Ben doesn't have to wait long though, as Callum sends another text through almost immediatly.

_Callum: [can you come over?]_

_Ben: [can't. got lexi]_

Ben debates taking Lexi with him, but if they need to talk about what's happened, it won't be fair to just shut her out while they talk. Being Ben's daughter, Lexi _will_ want to know what's happening

The least expected happens, though, and Ben's heart picks up a little.

_Callum: [i can come back. got a car now]_

Ben smiles, laughing, and Lexi turns to see what he's doing.

_Ben: [are you ok to drive?]_

_Callum: [yeah. better than you.]_

_Ben: [alright, see you soon then]_

_Callum: [can i bring my dog? she's good with kids]_

_Ben: [sure. big field out the back, and lexi loves dogs.]_

_Callum: [ok. be 30 mins]_

Ben sends his address after that, aware he'll need it.

"Is that Callum?" 

He jumps at Lexi's voice, turning to see her smiling, mischief behind it.

"What did I say about being nosy?" He walks forward, pinching her nose playfully, and Lexi laughs.

"Is he coming over?" Lexi asks, waving the spoon around like a wand. "He looked sad earlier. Is he okay?"

Ben thinks back to this morning, how when he heard Lexi say goodbye, it felt like a finale. Callum didn't even say anything back, as if he knew himself that they were parting ways and never looking back.

But now, it's Callum reaching out without Ben's influence. He could be coming back just for the jacket, but why would he bring his dog to do that?

He's coming over to talk, and if that's about _them,_ who they're going to be, then Ben is open to it. There's no doubt he's scared, wondering exactly what Callum has to say, and so far, he's felt little pinches of pain every time Callum's pushed him away.

Now, he's coming on his own terms, _wanting_ to talk to Ben, and finally being able to smile at Lexi in truth about him feels uplifting.

"Yeah, he is," and Ben laughs at Lexi's little _hooray,_ almost spilling the icing. "And, he's bringing his dog."

 _"Dog?"_ She raises her arms, cheering again and this time, _spilling_ the icing.

Ben gasps, pointing to the icing on the side, "Look what you've done now!"

Lexi just shrugs, laughing when Ben picks her up and spins her around. This could be the start of something good, finally.

\- - -

Half an hour later, just as promised, Callum rolls up onto Ben's drive and parks near the end, a good distance from the house. Callum looks a lot more put together through the car window as Ben steps outside.

Callum meets his gaze as he undoes his seatbelt, smiles, and Ben smiles back, raising a small hand in greeting. The sun will set soon, and Ben's house becomes a painting of serenity, more than anything he's ever seen, reds and gentle pastel blues. It resembles the paint on Callum's car, and for a moment, Ben thinks about something and locks it away.

Lexi runs out, standing in front of Ben and waving from where she is. Callum waves back as he steps out, dressed in another hoodie, but this time navy blue with white ties.

He pushes the front seat back in the car, and Pip _leaps_ out, tail wagging and ears up as she surveys her surroundings.

Ben goes pale.

_"Pip?"_

Callum hears her name, but it's not himself that says it.

And suddenly, he realises that it's _Ben._ It's _Ben_ saying Pip's name.

Callum looks towards him, his focus now completely on Pip who turns directly to the person who called her name.

Ben shouldn't know her name. It's not possible.

But the way he spoke her name, the disbelief, as if he'd seen a ghost. Lexi doesn't seem to believe her eyes either.

Pip isn't entirely sure, taking one step, trying to read him. Callum is shocked beyond words, confused, and suddenly _angry._ If Ben knows the name of his dog, then he must have known her before Callum.

Or, the family that threw her away.

But he won't say anything, not yet, not when Pip can decide on her own. Callum can always ask Ben, because that's what he's here for, to talk.

Ben steps forward, kneeling down and opening his arms, a gesture Pip seems to recognise. "C'mere, girl."

"Pip!" Lexi shouts, and it's with the voice of Ben's daughter that she starts walking.

And then she's _running,_ pounding across the pebbles until she collides with Ben. 

Ben sighs, relief more than anything as he hugs Pip close, thinking that at one point he'd never see her again, always stuck with the haunted vision of Lexi crying as they said goodbye.

But she's back, and thankfully, she's found safe hands with Callum, seemingly well cared for because she's healthy, happy, growing strong with a spring in her step.

"I missed ya, girl," Ben says, scratching along her side. "You were big enough to pick up last time I saw you."

She mumbles at him, almost pushing Ben over from how strong she is already, and Lexi joins in with the affection.

"Pippy! You've got so big!" Lexi says, reaching for her and hugging as Ben lets go, the dog falling onto her side happily.

Callum starts to walk over, hands in his pockets as Ben rubs Pip's belly, her tail wagging wildly. And it's only when Callum stops beside them that Ben looks up, meeting the blue eyes he's missed so much in a matter of hours. 

He heard some of what Ben said, and even though he's still confused, seeing Pip have a good reaction as well as the other two, it must mean well.

"Hey," Ben says, standing up as Lexi laughs with delight next to them, Pip jumping around as they begin to chase each other.

"Hey," Callum whispers in reply, a small smile tugging his lips.

"I think I need to do some explaining, don't I?" Ben smiles, trying to joke, and he expects Callum to drop his own smile in favour of a frown.

But he doesn't, smile becoming brighter, eyes crinkling at the edges, and Ben's heart _squeezes._

"I think you do." says Callum.

At that, Ben nods, opening the door and allowing Callum inside, Lexi and Pip running to the field behind the house.

Ben and Callum have no idea of the outcome, why they're even drawn back to each other, but maybe something good can come from it.

A start, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they finally met!
> 
> And *pops party popper* looks like we're entering the f r i e n d z o n e


	6. walk before you run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ben didn't think Callum would stay long, but he does, and they talk. It's more than Ben can handle, not when Callum smiles at him like that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll try and post every weekend, maybe even wednesday's if there's something ready to post.
> 
> Thank you for all of your support!!!!! <3 all of your comments are such a joy to read and reply to
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one :)
> 
> tumblr / callumslove

There hasn't been many times in Callum's life where he's been excited for the unknown. He's avoided unexplored terrain simply because he's afraid of it, and no matter how much army training and time he's served, it'll never prepare him for moments like this.

He's staring at Ben, a billion questions on his tongue and mismatched words. Ben doesn't even spare one glance until he's placing Callum's tea down next to his hands. Callum just smiles, because that's all he can do for now, what he's been _doing_ for some 24 years. 

It's always been smile, give them what they want and move on. For Callum, it's worked so far, but Ben isn't some guy he's met at a bar, looking over at him and Callum smiling, nodding back to him.

He can't smile and hope it all goes away this time, no matter how much he tells himself it's going to be fine. Callum hasn't been in this situation before.

Ben smiles back, offers him to sit down at the kitchen bar while Ben leans against the kitchen side. They're a comfortable distance away from each other, talking distance.

"So," Callum starts, tapping his nails onto the tea mug, steam rising with grace only mother nature holds. "Pip?"

At that, Ben turns to look outside. Lexi is throwing a stick for Pip to fetch, and the smile is so wide on her face that guilt starts to stick in Ben's throat like tar.

"I bought her as a pup, drove seven hours with Lexi to go and fetch her. It was a birthday present, and she'd been asking for one for ages," he shuffles on his feet a little. "Tiny little thing, she was. I knew it was her when she jumped out of your car, because she has that patch over her eye. You know the lighter patch that looks a bit like a bowtie?"

Callum nods, laughing a little, "Yeah, I guess she never grew out of it."

Ben smiles back, and it's probably the brightest smile Callum has even seen come from him.

"It was so strange — and that one floppy ear?" He chuckles to himself, taking a sip of his tea before looking outside again. "But we couldn't keep her in the house, so we had to give her away."

Callum tightens his grip around the mug. If it _was_ Ben that left Pip on the side of the road, then Callum doesn't want anything to do with him.

Ben sighs, scratching at the stubble on his cheek. Callum watches.

"It's good she's found you. Seems happy, well looked after. I was worried she'd end up in a family that didn't want her." There's a shy smile, and Callum feels like he's not meant to have seen it.

But Callum still isn't sure, and it seems Ben isn't going to talk in any more detail unless Callum provokes it.

"I adopted her from an animal rescue center," Callum focuses completely on his own mug of tea, not wanting to see the guilt strike across Ben's face. It'll all be real then. "Found abandoned at the side of a road, eight whole months in that place waiting for a new home."

Nothing. Silence.

Callum doesn't hear the protests he thought he'd hear, denial from Ben because he _wouldn't do that._ He's capable, Callum thinks, considering what else he's managed to do.

He chances it, looking up to see Ben already focused on him. Callum can only see shock on his face, disbelief, the same expression when Pip jumped out of the car.

Ben bites his bottom lip, knuckles white around the ceramic he's holding and turning away for a moment. Allowing him space, Callum feels a little sick, as if the silence from Ben confirms what he's been thinking, that he was involved.

"That _bastard,"_ whispers Ben, wiping a hand down his face. As quick as the pain was there, it's gone, and Callum is left confused.

"It wasn't you, was it?"

 _"No,"_ Ben looks horrified at the thought of that, almost borderline offended. "God no, that was Lexi's best mate. I _hated_ having to say goodbye to her, and it wasn't even me that wanted her gone." He looks down, focusing on his shoes before taking a deep breath. "He _promised_ me."

Ben's voice becomes quiet, almost fragile, but it doesn't show on his face. Callum can see there's a war going on inside his head, breaking apart from the inside because he doesn't want to seem weak on the outside. This is a Ben he doesn't understand, a Ben he doesn't think anyone knows.

"Who?" Curiosity wins out, and immediatly, Callum regrets it.

"Don't matter," Ben snaps, arms back as they lean on the side. "History."

 _History._ More and more layers nailed so deep Callum will never reach the point of finding them. It's not like he wants or needs to find them, anyway. 

"I can bring her up, from time to time," Callum says, looking outside to Lexi seeing how many tricks Pip understands, and Callum smiles, Ben watching that smile in secret. "If you'd want that, of course. If she means that much to Lexi, I don't see the harm in it."

Ben welcomes the chance to uplift himself with a joke, and it feels like Callum rolled that one out for him on a red carpet.

"Just admit you wanna' see more of me," and then he's smiling, the _Ben_ he knows so well coming back, almost as if he didn't have some sort of crisis just now.

"Can't do that," Callum says, lungs feeling lighter. "I've had enough already. Can't seem to get rid of you." He's joking, and he smiles, but the look Ben gives back makes his stomach almost flip.

"I could say the same," Ben doesn't take his eyes away, and his words mean something completely different to Callum's, even though they're said the same way. 

Callum clears his throat, breaking eye contact, and takes a sip of his tea. The deafining silence starts to feel a little constricting, and he doesn't really have an idea of what to say to fix the situation.

But Ben does, standing up from where he's leaning on the side, walking towards the bar and sitting on the opposite stool. Callum feels thankful he's not sitting right next to him.

"What about you, though?" asks Ben.

It takes a bit for Callum to shake out of his own daze. He looks up to Ben as the man folds his arms, and for the first time since they met, Callum _sees_ him.

He looks a little tired, and the cut on his lip is gone, replaced by a gentle smile of curiosity. His hair seems soft to the touch, curly in some parts, and he's reminded of how blue Ben's eyes actually are.

Callum dips his head, wondering and hoping that Ben didn't notice the scan he did of his face.

Ben _did_ notice. He doesn't seem to want to miss any detail when it comes to Callum.

"What do you mean?" Callum says, occupying himself by staring at the liquid in his mug.

"Well, I don't know how good your memory is, but you woke up on my sofa this morning after having a freak out in my car," Ben dips his own head to try and meet his eyes. "So, are you…"

"Alright?" Callum asks, finishing Ben's question when he doesn't himself, trying to ignore the phrase Ben used to describe what happened. "Didn't think you'd care."

Ben scoffs, shaking his head, "Charmin'."

"Do you blame me?" Referencing the last week seems to calm Ben's smile, almost vanishing entirely.

"Not really," Ben says, and Callum feels his hand itch to move. Ben goes to speak, but he doesn't want to sound motherly, so he watches his words, trying not to sound drunk. "You kinda' freaked me out. Usually I make some sort of joke and you shout back at me, and that didn't happen." Ben looks back up to him. "You looked like you'd seen a ghost."

Callum looks outside again at that. He just wants to say _it is, that's exactly what it is —_ haunted constantly by a physical and mental pain for the years he spent in the army. It changed him, leaving a permanent mark no amount of healing can solve.

He was one of the lucky ones, and it's a constant guilt he lives with every day, no matter how small the thought is. 

"Guess it was stage fright," he repeats Ben's words, and Ben doesn't believe him, but accepts it for his sake. "Car has a bark worse than its bite. Kinda' like you."

They smile at each other, then, and Ben leans in.

"How do _you_ know that, ay? I make an effort to forget the men I spend five minutes with — _if_ they're even memorable — but I wouldn't have forgotten you."

Callum shakes his head, laughing. There's a blush creeping up his neck, moving his hand to scratch it, and Ben leans back to give him space. It's not uncomfortable like times before, where Callum would cringe or feel something lurch in his stomach. This feels like _them — their_ casual banter in the privacy of Ben's home where no one can judge him.

But then Callum blanks, because _what would they judge him for?_ They're just two lads having a cup of tea, explaining lost answers.

"In your dreams, mate," replies Callum, booting those wavering thoughts away before they sink in, a hint of mischief in his smile. Ben just smiles wider, as if to say _challenge accepted._ "That your style? Goin' after straight lads?"

"Nah," Ben takes a sip, ignoring the way Callum's looking at him, biting back what he really wants to say. "I ain't got eyes for you, _mate._ You're just good company."

 _Good company_ repeats itself in Callum's head, a warmth blooming in his chest that starts to crack and dissolve when the rest of the words start to fall in behind.

_I ain't got eyes for you._

Callum sniffs, eyes down, away from Ben's soft smile on the edge of playful and lifts his tea to drink it. Those types of confessions shouldn't bother him, and if they do, he'd laugh at them like they're two best mates from college.

But Callum is left unsteady, ice under his feet cracking just that little bit more, demons beneath waiting to drown him.

"Don't mean to rain on your parade," Ben says, not comfortable in such silence. "Everyone has eyes for me. Bad boy, remember? Playing hard to get is half the game."

 _Now_ Callum laughs, heart wavering in his chest. Whispers start up again, and Callum can't understand any of it, but looking back at Ben seems to tame them.

"No, it's not like that," Callum idly moves a finger up and down the handle of his mug. "Don't laugh at me."

"You haven't told me the joke yet," Ben takes a sip of his own tea now, taking a break from the blue of Callum's eyes to check on Lexi.

She's _beaming._

"I meant… I don't have many mates. I have my work collegues but I have to drive out of town to meet them."

Ben shrugs, "That's not that bad."

"But they aren't really mates, you know?" Callum doesn't miss how Ben's expression doesn't change. "They're tolerable, I have to get on well with them to work _with_ them."

"Again, that's not that bad," he leans to the side, Callum scoffing at him. "You could have no mates at all."

"Feels that way," Callum replies, sounding a little sorry for himself. "Besides the Carters and Whitney I don't really have anyone." 

He probably shouldn't be saying all of this, but something about Ben makes Callum talk, as if he has all of Callum's answers laid out before him. Ben doesn't budge, though, choosing to sigh.

"Whitney?" He says, expression not changing, "Thought it was her."

"You know her?"

Ben is quick to deny it, "Did."

Callum swallows, nerves tingling a little in his shoulders, "Ah."

And on that note, the sound of Ben's stool screeching across the floor of the kitchen signals the end of — _whatever this is._

If anything, Callum is relieved about the growing space between him and Ben, the other man trying to make himself look busy. It's similar to Callum and how _he_ tried to look uninterested, but Ben looks more pained in his movements rather than Callum trying to hide his interest.

"Well, I should be going," Callum raises his voice so Ben can hear. He's barely been here five minutes, but Callum's world is spinning way too fast around Ben for him to stay any longer. Maybe it's nerves, or the unknown.

"Yeah," Ben says in return, "Was nice of you to bring Pip."

"I'll bring her again, sometime."

"Yeah," and now that's all Ben can apparently say in his vocabulary; _yeah._ "That'd be nice. I'll text you."

Callum is about to stand up when Lexi barges through the doors, Pip in tow, trying to get an overly large stick they found through the door.

"Daddy!" She says, running to Ben and tugging on his shirt, "Can Pip stay? _Can she?"_

Ben's face falls, and Callum just smiles at Ben as he looks towards him for guidance. 

"She's not our dog anymore, Princess," he kneels down, taking both of her hands. "Pip is Callum's dog, remember?"

"So then Callum can stay too!"

Both men freeze, and Callum's tea suddenly tastes strange. 

"Lexi," Ben sighs, squeezing her hands. "You can see her again soon, alright?" 

And here it comes. The _face._

What Lexi wants, she gets, and Callum can see Ben is struggling to find a way out of this. 

"She can stay for the night," Callum stands up, walking to the door to help Pip discard the giant stick, leaving Ben a little lost for words. "If you can handle her."

Lexi lights up, and Ben's face softens away from Callum's gaze, kissing his little girl's head. He doesn't quite believe it, that Callum, a guy that's barely known him longer than a week will give up his dog for a night for the sake of his daughter. 

As Ben finally allows himself to look back Callum's way, he's standing with his hands in his hoodie pockets as Pip sits beside him. 

His eyes say it all, as Callum looks down to Pip, then back to Lexi. There's no need for them to suffer because Ben and Callum can barely stand being in the same room.

Callum nods at him, as if to say _it's alright,_ and Ben holds Lexi's shoulders as he speaks up, "What do we say to Callum?"

"Thank you!" She's hopping her way to Callum, quickly leaving Ben behind as she wraps her arms around Callum's legs seconds later.

Callum just blanks, looking down to Lexi as Ben watches the two of them. His hands clench, unsure, before kneeling down to a comfortable height so Lexi can hug him properly.

"Thank you so much, Callum!" 

"Pip told me herself she wants to stay," Callum opens his eyes to see Ben looking at him, words sitting on parted lips. Callum smiles back, just for Ben, and he has to look away.

Seeing someone so kind with his daughter, natural, without judgement, it warms Ben's soft spot, the one he always has for family. There's no questions about where she came from, no _thought you were gay_ statement. It's just Callum being Callum, going out of his way just for Lexi to have that bit of happiness.

Ben swallows down the pulse in his throat, stepping forward and focusing back on Callum again. He told Lexi to say it, but Ben can't say it himself.

Words like that are expensive, and Ben won't waste his heart's budget on a guy with a nice smile, nice laugh, almost everything.

Callum seems to read them in his smile, though, and looks away before pulling away from Lexi.

"I _promisepromisepromise_ to look after her!" Lexi says, side stepping so she can hug Pip.

"We don't even have any food for her," Ben says, and Callum simply shakes his head.

"Fed her before I left." Standing up again, Callum remains smiling down at Lexi who holds her hands together against her chest. She's _adorable._

A part of Callum wonders if Ben was this sweet as a child, or if he _still_ is, hidden behind years of age and whatever he's been through.

"You sure?" Ben asks, taking a few steps forward again, Lexi and Pip standing between them.

"I'm sure," Callum realises that maybe _this_ is a reason to stay in contact; for Pip and for Lexi, standing between them right now like they're the only things keeping their strings together.

Ben sighs, unsure what to say, lost for words. He's not like this. Usually he has everything to say, jokes falling from his tongue like rain, an answer for everything even if it's not relevant. 

Callum pats his legs, turning to Pip and Lexi, giving them a smile Ben wishes was directed at himself.

"I'll pick her up tomorrow morning before work," he says. "I'll be a bit early, if that's alright?"

Ben should say yes, agree and let Callum walk out the door, but Lexi is still looking between Pip and Callum, wonder in her eyes.

"Stay for dinner," is something Ben never expected himself to say.

With the look on Callum's face, he didn't either. But Lexi, oh _Lexi,_ is _ecstatic._

"Yes!" she says, taking Callum's hand and tugging it. "Stay!"

Both Ben and Lexi are awaiting his answer now, and Callum has to remember to blink, taken back by the pure shock of it all. He should go back and talk to Whitney, explain everything, but this house is warm compared to outside, and Ben is walking away, collecting pots and pans as if Callum has already agreed.

The answer is simple, but it's so difficult, so strange and _new_ for Callum to say.

"That sounds lovely," Callum answers, laughing a little as Lexi sings in celebration.

Ben looks on, yearning a scene that will never be real, never be _his,_ only temporary. He'll never be allowed such happiness, and never a friend as good as Callum.

Is that what they are now? Friends? Callum explicitly said it'd be good for him to have one, not specifically finding a friend in _Ben,_ but he said it _to_ him.

Even if Callum does stick around, there's only so much time and patience a man can have around Ben before it becomes too much. Only his real family have stayed, or one side of it, and from how unlucky he's been in relationship departments elsewhere, there's no telling how long fragile little Callum is going to last.

At least, Ben thinks he is, hidden confidence or the adrenaline of doing something a bit wild settled deep under his skin. Callum might be one of those shy people, ready for whatever action they can get without a second thought and then having the regret later.

That's what he can see in Callum. _Regret._

Even if he's beaming down at Lexi and talking to her like they've known each other since her birth, every time she looks away, there's a split second of uncertainty. He's overwhelmed, losing his footing, slipping into Ben's world when he told Ben and himself in the quiet of his own home that he wouldn't. 

Perhaps he's curious, even lonely. 

As Callum looks over to Ben, wondering if he's going to say anything else, they meet eyes. Ben has to focus on something else, and _quick,_ banging a few pots and pans so that the loud noise turns Callum away.

He doesn't, though. Callum watches Ben's shoulders lock with mild annoyance as Lexi entertains herself with Pip, and Callum fights a war inside his head.

Maybe they're too different, too damaged to be friends. They don't have anything in common besides once having Pip in their home. Ben has rats hiding in shoe boxes and memories so pained that he shuts his own emotions down so he can't feel anything new at all.

But he _does_ feel, as rare as it is. Callum is a good guy, unfortunatly getting wrapped up in Ben's misfortunate habits, and no amount of apology is enough in Ben's eyes to say sorry for twisting this guy's life into something uncertain.

So he won't say sorry. Ben will let Callum take as far as he can reach, and that way, if the eventual storm throws and distances them without a chance of repair, it won't hurt as much.

Ben has lost the ability to trust someone unless they're family by blood or simply time. Callum is neither, only a stranger with a nice smile and his own hidden demons. Ben has enough of his own, and adding Callum's to eventually latch on is a spell for disaster.

"Lexi, do you want to show Callum the garden?"

There's no answer, but the open and close of the door signals that Callum took the oppurtunity to run. Turning around, Lexi, Pip and Callum are all gone, walking outside as Callum and Lexi seem in conversation.

Ben breathes, leaning on the counter. He's never been so knocked about by a single guy, and it's his own _damn fault._ He wants to let Callum in, to see that smile and hear that laugh every single day, but they've started whatever they are on the wrong term. Callum will never forget or forgive what he's done, and Ben wonders how much of a struggle he's made life back home for Callum.

Turning up in that car must've made a scene, and probably with the people he didn't want to see. His hands turn a little cold, and he shakes the thought away. 

Callum is a good guy, a stranger, but a good guy. For Lexi and Pip's sake, he's allowing him to stay for dinner, but as time goes on and the chicken cooks in the oven, he's left with a sour regret.

As Lexi and the gang walk back inside, taking gloves and hats off, Callum is looking down at her as if she's everything. Maybe it'll be alright for Ben and Callum if they just ignore _themselves_ and focus on the actual good — Lexi.

But Callum glances at him again, and Ben's hopeless.

He doesn't know what to do.

\- - -

Ben didn't expect everything to go so smoothly. Yes, there's mutual silence for most of it as Lexi concentrates on whatever program is on TV, but it's comfortable, surprisingly. In the background, there's something about small pups having jobs on this channel Lexi has on, and Ben has seen enough of it in his time to completely ignore it.

He can't help it, because he _would_ be taking interest and laughing and joking with Lexi if it weren't for Callum, sat on the furthest end of the sofa, away from Ben entirely. Ben allows himself subtle glances, a test, to see how well Callum deals with being in Ben's space for so long.

And then as he's eating, Ben feels like he's swallowed a rock. _Shit —_ Callum's a _chef._

This is good, though. It gives Ben chance to talk, to lighten the mood and give Callum a chance to explore their dynamic again.

"Chef's verdict?" Ben asks, Lexi looking to her Dad before looking back to the TV.

Callum, however, pauses chewing, changing his focus to Ben with a slight smile tugging at his lips. Well, it must be bad, then.

He holds a finger up, signalling _give me a minute_ while he finishes chewing. When he does finally swallow, Callum nods, and Ben feels a strange tingle crawl over his chest.

"It's good, actually," he inspects his own plate, Ben still watching with hope he'll keep talking so Ben has more to work off. "Chicken isn't dry, vegetables are steamed nicely. Sauce isn't too runny, either."

Ben feels it again, washing over his chest like a cold breeze on a warm day. He smiles, but it never quite reaches his ears, "Glad it's edible."

"It's lovely." 

The conversation goes quiet again, Ben not feeling comfortable saying those two little words. It's not his job to keep check on manners, even though he asks Lexi to do it all the time. Thankfully, she's glued to the TV, picking up stray peas with her fork.

Ben glances between them, smiling again, and focuses back on the TV. It continues like that, quiet exchanges between each other when they don't think the other is looking. 

They're dancing on a delicate road, and only time will tell when one of them trips and falls, possibly dragging the other with him.

When Callum cleans his plate of food, much to his own surprise, he stands up and excuses himself towards the kitchen. Ben isn't done, but he practically is, and stands up to join him a minute later. Pip is sat at Lexi's feet, falling asleep.

Callum is texting when Ben comes up behind him, leaning around him to place his plate in the sink. He flinches, turning to see Ben raising an eyebrow at him.

"What?"

"Didn't know you were there," says Callum, looking back to his phone, pressing send and locking the screen before Ben can see it.

"This is my house, Callum," laughing as he steps away, Ben starts to clean up the side, trying to make himself look busy, _again._

"Wanted to say I appreciate you letting me stop for dinner. Would've probably got a takeaway on the way back otherwise," Callum shuffles on his feet, leaning against the sink and keeping his voice down. Lexi is too preocupied anyway. 

"A chef doesn't cook for himself? Strange," teases Ben, turning back to him as he leans against the bar. "But I'm guessing you get fed up of it since you do it as a job as well."

Callum hums, thinking about it, then shakes his head as he looks down, "Not entirely. I'm — tired today. Didn't feel like trying to make something."

"If you were tired, why did you want to talk? You could've asked another day."

The mumbling of the TV rings loud in Ben's ears, Callum's lack of a reply making the silence almost irritating.

"It was on my mind. If I left it another day, I wouldn't have asked, just forgotten about it and pretended it was all okay," Callum tries to look everywhere but at Ben, and eventually, fails. "I can't accept the car."

Ben presses his lips together. He doesn't want to keep asking questions, so he won't.

"You don't have to race. I'll pick up the car on Sunday's, race it, then bring it back," and before Callum has the chance to cut him off, Ben speaks up again. "They'll be legit, too. Track based, all good under the hood. That way there'll be no bad habits following you around."

This deal sounds good, way too good for Callum's liking. A free car and Ben does all the work himself? It's almost too good to be true, and then Callum realises the actual downside.

Ben will visit him every Sunday without fail. Arriving before eleven and coming back at three when Callum can barely keep his eyes open.

And the more he thinks about it, the weirder it gets. Why on Earth would Callum ever accept that?

"That's a generous offer, isn't it? I could just drive the car away and you'll never find me."

Ben smirks, almost daring him, "But you wouldn't, _Callum,_ ay?"

Callum swallows, pulse at his throat. Ben shouldn't be able to halt his mind so quick, but that smirk has seen more than its fair share of situations, and Callum won't dare himself to mess with it.

"Just a Sunday?" If this goes well, Callum's life will go back to normal, just with a side of Ben.

"Yeah. Just give me the keys and I'll return them when I get back. Simple as." Ben holds his hand out, stepping forward. Another deal with the devil, it seems. "What do you say? Impress the misses with a fast car, go back to your life and only have to deal with me one day a week. Can't do better than that."

It sounds too good to be true, but even if his mind is screaming _no_ and his heart is screaming _yes,_ Callum takes both into account.

Callum shakes his hand, trying to keep the smile on his lips tamed. The rush he feels is unexpected, and then he's a little too distracted by how warm Ben's hand is, his fingertips calloused.

"A deal it is," Ben takes his hand away, Callum's hand hovering where Ben left him before shoving it back into his pocket. "And there she goes."

Realising he's on about Lexi, Callum looks across the room to see her out like a light, empty plate to her side and the TV still mumbling.

"You plan this?" Callum asks, walking behind Ben as Callum goes to pick her plate up, as Ben picks up Lexi.

He nods, smiles like he's saying _told you so_ and heads upstairs. Callum is left alone downstairs, and Pip is soon padding towards him, looking tired herself.

"Long day, ay?" He kneels down, scratching between her ears. "Seems like Lexi gave you a run for your money."

Pip grumbles back, Callum chuckling at her teenage attitude. It's good to see her enjoying life after what she's already been through.

Ben watches them for a good few seconds when he reaches the bottom of the stairs, a sudden thought in his head which he locks away.

"Lexi always gets tired after she first comes home," Ben makes himself known, and Ben hates how quick the smile fades from Callum's face. "This way, you can take Pip home so I don't have to deal with her tomorrow while Lexi's at school, and you don't have to come here at stupid hours to pick her up."

Thoughtful, in Ben's own style, that is.

Callum just nods, standing up as Pip stands beside him. Ben looks between them, wanting to say something, but he can't bring himself to.

He will say something, at least.

"It wasn't me," Ben's already said it, but it feels like he should say it again. "Didn't want to hurt her. I thought I could trust people, but, lesson learned."

There's something behind that, the way Ben folds his arms and closes his lips. That's all he'll say on the topic, and Callum accepts it either way.

He'd thank Ben for telling him, but it doesn't feel right to say. Callum shouldn't be thanking him, because Ben should've prevented it from happening in the first place.

Callum picks up his jacket from the chair, completely fine with a silent goodbye as he heads to the door, keys in hand.

But this is Ben, for crying out loud. He's going to leave them on a joke instead of muffled anger.

"Guess what?"

"What?" Callum replies, turning back to see the smirk on Ben's face. Something terrible is on its way.

Ben catches up to him, stepping aside so he can reach the door before him.

"This is the first time we've talked without you havin' me up a wall," Ben opens the door, allowing him to leave first. 

Callum smiles, quickly recalling back to those very moments inside his head. His fingertips become a little cold, almost as if he's longing for that contact again.

"You're just irritating," Callum admits, not missing Ben's little laugh. 

"I call it charm," Ben always has an answer.

"Sure you do," Callum hesitates on the threshold of the door, a chill blowing through the house because the door remains open.

Ben isn't making the move to hurry him, either, and Callum is left clicking his tongue in awkward silence.

"What does this make us, then?" Stepping outside, Callum hopes avoiding Ben's gaze will make it a little less awkward to say. It doesn't.

"You trying to say something, Callum?" Ben is leaning against the door now, arms crossed, walls up. "Thought me and Pip were buddies now, not us."

"It'd be weird if I bring Pip every other week and we can't stand each other," Callum gives him his best smile, and Ben's gaze drops to his lips. His hands go cold, and it's not from the wind. "So, start over?"

 _"Start over?"_ Ben tips his head against the door, biting his lip in thought. "But we'd forget all the fun we've had already."

Callum shakes his head, laughing, "I don't think I'll forget it anytime soon." 

The words escape him before he can stop himself, and Ben's expression shifts, a delicate mix between curiosity and admiration.

"They _do_ say I'm memorable," the smirk that partners those words makes Callum sigh. Always, _always_ ready to answer back in whatever way that may be. 

But his lips split into a smile seconds later, and Callum can't help himself, "That's great, but once again, ain't interested."

"Why stand there and ask, then?" Ben remains leaning against the door, but he shifts a little, almost as if he's starting to gain adrenaline thinking of what Callum might answer.

"Don't know," Callum shrugs his shoulders, looking back to the car. "Guess it's like you said, bit hard not to ignore each other with you giving me a car, _and_ with Pip now, too. Plus, we seemto get along, but then again, you could be stealing it back from me the next day."

"I don't remember saying that, sunshine. That's all you," Ben moves his hand back, holding the edge of the door. Time is running out for both of them. "And just for your benefit, I wouldn't stick around for longer than you need to. If you knew any of my enemies they'd think I might turn you."

Callum pauses, deciding to ignore that, as if the warning is nothing more than a small nudge. He'll decide that for himself, because Ben, despite what he's already done, is more open and welcoming than Callum ever expected him to be.

He means welcoming in the short term, though. Ben has only opened the theoretical door slightly, _just_ enough for Callum to see the beginnings of _who_ Ben is.

For one, he's a father, and two, there's a lot more there under the surface. Callum can see he won't let him in, and it's the same situation for Callum himself. They're standing on mutual ground, not stepping forward or taking steps back.

"It'd be nice to have a mate," Callum admits, finally, moving the keys around his palm.

"Thought I wasn't," Ben is referencing their first night, how Ben called him _mate_ when at the time Callum didn't even know his name.

"Do you ever not joke?" It's a spur of the moment question, and Callum is raises his hand to halt any comeback from Ben. "Don't answer that."

Ben looks down at his feet, sniffs, and then looks back up to Callum, watching how softly his hair moves in the wind. He doesn't have any more to say, at least, not while Callum is standing there.

"You better get back," Ben nods towards the blue car, now rightfully Callum's. "Don't wanna' miss the gals curfew."

It stings to suddenly be reminded of Whitney, how she still doesn't know about anything going on, and how she doesn't even know he snuck back out after she'd gone to go to an event with _some guy._

He gives Ben a smile, pained and barely there. Callum calls Pip, and she's running to his side in a matter of seconds. Ben doesn't say anything else, watching as Callum walks away, jacket in hand, and his chest tightens with words his throat won't let him speak.

_Stay._

\- - -

Going to work the next day, Callum has more of a smile on his face than usual. He still focuses and gets the job done, smashing expectations he sets for himself, but his coworkers notice an unusual bounce to his steps.

They ask if it's the car he's rolled up in, and Callum denies it, saying _it's just metal on wheels, nothing to get excited about._

He can hear Ben's mocking voice when he speaks it, the dramatic shock on his face like Callum's opinion is borderline offensive. It makes Callum smile even more, and he's noticed the switch in how Ben takes up rent in his head.

Before, it was ill feelings, like a flu he couldn't shake. Now, it feels quite fleeting, that the bad is behind them and from this moment forward, they're just guys with expensive cars and a dog in common.

There's still an unsteady rythmn to Callum's heart when he thinks of Ben, as if he's plunging into the unknown too quickly, overstepping boundaries that he can't go back on.

But mostly, he's excited for Sunday, the first day that Ben confirmed over text that he'd be there. He doesn't expect much, just a smile and Callum giving over the keys.

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Callum also has a meeting with his counseller on Saturday, and there's no doubt he's going to be talking about Ben. There's a lot on his mind, and speaking about it is going to help. It always does, as rare as he goes to those sorts of things.

Wednesday night, Callum is baking some sponge cakes when his phone pings. It's Ben.

Callum wipes his hand across his apron, not admitting how excited he feels at wondering what Ben's sent him.

_Ben, 19:12PM: [any chance we can meet on Saturday?]_

_Callum: [I have something to do but im sure i can fit you in.]_

_Ben: [charmin]_

_Ben: [It's Lexi, she keeps bangin on about Pip. Was wonderin' if you'd like to go to the park with us so she'll stop making me feel guilty about Monday]_

_Callum: [That was your idea mate]_

_Ben: [I know! Please. I'll buy you a beer sometime.]_

_Callum: [Sure. Pip will love it too. Text me a time on Friday?]_

_Ben: [Will do, cheers mate.]_

_Mate._ He's said it, but Callum bites the tip of his thumb thinking it's not meant in the way Callum wants it to be. Strangers outside call him mate just for holding a door open, but Callum and Ben actually know each other now.

They have each other's number, a routine to meet up, a promise of a beer together in the future. Surely, that's being friends, right?

Why is Callum even so bothered about it?

Callum smiles, texting back and then putting his phone aside so he can focus on his baking. No more thoughts about Ben.

_Callum: [I'll hold you to that beer.]_

_Ben: [Looking forward to it.]_

And then another text, wiping the smile off Callum's face when he eventually reads it;

_Whitney, 20:34PM: [We need to talk. I'll be round tomorrow night.]_


	7. for us, or for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Callum has a talk with Whitney, and the entire time, Ben is on his mind. In fact, he has been for the whole week, and now he's unsure about himself and what these feelings actually mean._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took like, two weeks? hope you enjoy!
> 
> tw / alcohol, mention of mental health

Whitney hasn't texted anything else since yesterday night. Callum would say it's a relief, but not hearing anything is worse than something. 

Most of his time at work is spent thinking about what it could be, if she's planning something and making it sound like a _talk,_ or if it generally is one and Callum becomes jumpy at the slightest noise above a normal decibel. He's really in some deep trouble if this _talk_ is anything about Ben and the car.

Callum is kidding himself, he knows it's exactly about that, and the more his leg bounces, hand brushing through his hair to try and settle his nerves, the more he's starting to regret ever seeing Ben again. Even when he's home, Pip beside him as Callum waits for the door to go, he's actually nervous with how guilty he feels, and yet, he doesn't exactly _feel_ guilty because he hasn't really done anything wrong.

He likes Whitney, he really does, the first ever girl to look twice his way and actually stick around. They've been official for seven months, almost eight now, and yet Callum can confidently say it doesn't feel like he's known her that long.

It's been different recently, as if what they have isn't there anymore, or the spark is gone and he's trying _desperately_ to ignore that fact. Callum closes his eyes, the obvious answer right there, but he won't dare dig it up, knowing he can't. It'll change everything, and Callum is blind to how powerful that truth is, that _this_ is wrong.

He's _lying._

His hand clenches on the table, swallowing doubts that wrap so firm around his throat. Whitney will be here soon, they'll talk, and everything will go back to normal. 

But it won't. There's no normal without Ben now, and this whole problem started with _him._ Not texting Whitney because he's with _Ben,_ not going out because he's with _Ben._ It's all _Ben Ben Ben_ and it's driving Callum _insane._

On the other hand, he wouldn't take back what happened yesterday, spending time with Lexi and Pip, enjoying a meal cooked for him by someone else even if he _did_ lie about how nice it was.

That thought makes him laugh, because he specifically remembers how Ben saw right through him, and the expression on his face was nothing more than _you can't fool me._

His stomach becomes sickly at that, feet cold. 

_You can't fool me._

Callum downs the rest of his beer, thinking at least one drink will soothe the burn of dread, but he's only done that because the thoughts of Ben are so _loud_ and right now he should be thinking about Whitney. He slams the bottle down, staring at it while his thoughts become a jumbled mess, incomprehensible.

Pip is staring, ears down as Callum turns to her, smile gentle on his face, "You're not mad with me, are ya'?"

She shuffles forward, resting her head on his lap, eyes towards him in that typical puppy dog way. Callum coos, gently stroking his hand across her cheek, thanking whatever fate locked them together.

As Pip closes her eyes, the pair sit there in silence. Pip must feel his nerves, unsettled by the future, and she's always there to help him seek comfort. 

A name sneaks its way back onto Callum's tongue, and he has to stop himself from saying it for the sake of silence. Silence sounds better than anything right now.

The peace doesn't last long, it never does, as two knocks sound on his door. _Whitney._

Pip jumps up, barking, and one finger raise from Callum silences her. She watches closely as Callum approaches the door, tail up, waiting to see who it is.

 _It could be Ben,_ he thinks to himself, and Callum bites his bottom lip to deter any more thoughts of him. No more _Ben,_ this is about himself and Whitney, not the mysterious, sworn enemy that he _may_ have a soft spot for.

As he clicks the lock open, Callum looks through the gap to cut the anticipation, Whitney looking up from the ground to smile at him.

But it fades quickly, as if seeing Callum reminds her why she's here. Definitely in trouble.

"Hey, Whit," Callum tries to keep his voice steady, but he trembles. "Tea?"

Opening the door to let her in, Whitney ignores him, lips pressed shut, and Callum is left even more uneasy as he shuts the door again. His phone pings on the table, and Whitney looks towards it before focusing back on Callum.

"I see you still have the car," she says, standing in the middle of the kitchen. "Are you going to explain _any_ of this to me?"

Callum remains at the door, giving them equal distance. There's so much to say and yet Callum doesn't want to say any of it. Even Callum wouldn't believe it, knowing his own wage, lack of luck, lack of _mates._

"The car?" He's stalling.

Whitney just sighs, taking her hands out of her coat, "Callum, this isn't like you. We tell each other everything, and now you're sneaking out late, ignoring my messages and saying you're at a mate's house out of town?" Gesturing to the window, it's obvious the car is her main concern, or at least that's what Callum thinks. "And _where_ did that thing come from?"

 _Shit._ Callum really has to come up with an excuse, and _quick._

But why not just tell the truth? Say it's all Ben, that he did this, stole his car and gave him another one without even blinking, as if his guilty concious was astronomical.

His lips part to speak, but nothing comes out, and he's left shaking his head. Callum doesn't know which choice is right or wrong, and to be honest, he doesn't want to make a big deal out of this.

"Are you cheating on me?"

Callum's head whips up from where he was focusing on the floor, frown forming quick, "No, Whit. _No._ I wouldn't."

"Then who are you sneaking off to see? You went out the same day on Monday. I saw you leaving, and you never came back until late," she shrugs, pain imminent in the way her words tremble slightly. "And then the car? Nothing is adding up, Callum. You even said to me you don't know anyone, not even your own family these days, and yet you have this new friend all of a sudden?"

"I'm not sneaking off to see anyone, I'm going out with old friends," and Whitney is about to argue with that, but Callum cuts her off. "Old mates, we're talkin' high school. I only met them on Monday morning."

"You mean the morning you came back with a car? _And_ telling me to leave you alone?" She laughs a little, "I'm not thick, Callum. Mates shouldn't make you feel that way, to the point where you have to push me away."

"I needed the drive after you left. Needed to clear my head," Callum leaves the door, heading to the kitchen and avoiding Whitney's gaze as he walks past. "I didn't think I had to text you about that."

"You don't!" She follows him, reaching for his hand, Callum only gripping back slightly when their fingers intertwine. "I'm worried about you. You're always tense lately, and you didn't even message me the whole afternoon. We always text when I'm not around."

Callum feels awful. He doesn't want Whitney to feel this way, as if he's cheated on her. She's told Callum some of her past experiences with relationships and Callum _swore_ he would never do that to her. Whitney doesn't deserve it.

But now, he's made her feel like she's been cheated on. The hollow sadness on her face is enough to make Callum realise he's been taking this relationship for granted, running from a perfectly good woman just because he doesn't know how he really feels.

"And when you kissed me that night," she's shaking her head again, shrugging as if she knows it was bound to happen sooner or later. "It felt like you didn't like me anymore, like that was the last thing you wanted to do."

Callum remembers. The night he hoped Ben turned up at the door and not his own girlfriend. He closes his eyes, swallows the guilt in his throat, not being able to look Whitney in the eye.

He's not good with relationships, this is his first one, and Callum thought it'd be a lot _fucking easier_ than this. 

"Whit," Callum sounds borderline desperate. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. "I wouldn't cheat on you. I _haven't_ cheated on you."

The silence that stretches between them is a test, and Whitney's hand feels awfully cold in Callum's, wanting to let go, but knowing that if he does, it's probably over.

"How am I meant to believe you when you won't tell me anything, Callum? This isn't normal. Mates just don't give you sports cars for free, that doesn't happen here." She takes another cautious step closer, and Callum's heart feels like it's trying to repel away. 

Pip's sat by the table, staring between them, and she mumbles, feeling how distraught Callum is, noticing the sadness in his eyes.

Callum looks to her, and Whitney scoffs, turning to her as well, "You tell her and not me?"

 _"Whit,"_ he's getting frustrated now. Callum _doesn't_ want to tell her about Ben, about the small little bubble of curiosity he's found that's _just his._

His whole life is work, Whitney and Pip — but with Ben, he's something new, and they have things in common despite how they began. Pip, for one, is a reason for them to be friends in the first place, and Whitney has never really bonded with Pip.

There's something about Ben that keeps Callum on his toes, but it's a good kind of adrenaline that always steers him to come back. Ben is this layered puzzle Callum wants to solve, almost showing itself but never truly letting any light in.

Callum feels different around Ben, unsteady but weirdly balanced, cold but tingling at the edges with warmth. It always feels as if there's something missing, how Ben's smiles are never truly whole, and Callum wants to save them as snapshots in the back of his mind.

His world with Ben is so strange but so intriguing, Callum never having experienced something like it before. And then there's how he talks, bold but soothing, and Callum thinks that voice is only saved for certain people. Those blue eyes, so accurate in how they focus it feels as if Ben and Callum are the only ones present, hidden away in some secret paradise house where the rest of the world can't see them.

It's a world he wants to visit often, to explore the many possibilities and dive in before he's too scared to take the first step.

Also, Callum can't forget the feeling of belonging, as small as it was. It felt like he was _blooming_ from being in Ben's house and learning parts of him. 

He doesn't want Whitney to know about this because Callum doesn't know _what_ it is. They're mates, sort of, and Callum can't help but think this is the first turn in a long, bumpy road. Nothing seems simple with Ben, considering how they met, but that _smile,_ that cockiness and demeanor that sits on Ben's shoulders and never leaves intrigues Callum because he's never met anyone like him.

Sure, he's met plenty of the broody, closed off type but this is _Ben._ Ben with the kid, a soft smile, teasing remarks, a past hidden so deep it's done some internal damage.

Callum wants more, somehow, and he doesn't even know what _more_ he'd want. More time with him, perhaps, to know him better as friends do.

That's all. Just friends.

Callum realises in that moment that he's taking this way too far. Ben is a friend, not an affair, and he's afraid of telling Whitney for absolutely nothing.

He is scared of one thing, though. Ben _did_ say he knew Whitney, or _did,_ and that's what _prevents_ him from saying anything, afraid of digging up buried demons. Ben didn't exactly seem excited to know it was Whitney, and therefore, there's no real benefit to saying who this mate is.

But Callum has to say something, because he can feel Whitney's hand start to loosen in his own.

"They're just a mate. That's all they are," Callum starts, and Whitney lets go of his hand. "Am I not allowed to have that? Friends out of town?"

"You're meeting them in the dead of night, Callum. I don't exactly meet my mates just as dawn breaks!" She shrugs, sounding distressed now. "What's her name, then?"

 _"His_ name, Whit. He's called Ben," and as soon as he says it, the air rushes from his lungs, struggling to swallow. "I'm not cheating on you, you know I wouldn't."

Thankfully, there's no real reaction, at least not the reaction Callum expected. Even then, he doesn't know what her reaction would've been, considering he isn't aware of the history between Ben and Whitney.

Maybe she doesn't know which Ben he means, or she doesn't expect Callum to know the Ben _she_ knows.

She's biting her lip in thought, seconds from breaking, but Callum's face shows nothing but sincerity, "I wouldn't, Whit," he takes a step forward, hands moving to her face and gently holding her. "I promise, alright? I don't know why I even agreed to go meet them at that time, and the car was just a gift. He wanted my car for a project, and in return he gave me something even better."

Whitney seems to be buying it, and Callum is surprised that he's even managing to lie. 

Well, it's not much of a lie, little tweeks to the original.

But then there's a moment in time, almost frozen, where he sees the hallway in the corner of his vision, the same place he pushed Ben against the wall.

Ben is there, hollow, smirking towards him and lips parting to whisper, sounding as if he's right next to him but so far away; _fooled them again, have we?_

Callum looks away, back to Whitney, stroking a thumb over her cheekbone and waiting. That's all he can do, because he has no idea what to say, haunted by the uneasy feeling eyes on him that aren't actually there, figments of his imagination.

Whitney seems conflicted, looking over Callum's face like she wants to believe him, to find _some_ good in those eyes and the face she's come to adore during their time together.

"Am I just meant to believe that?" 

Callum's heart sinks. The hands on her face loosen and fall back to sit by his sides.

"I know it sounds fake, but _please,_ I'm telling the truth," and it is, just a little cracked with tape holding it at the seams. "I swear to you."

He moves his hands to her shoulders, smiling, and that very smile is enough for Whitney to have a little one of her own. Callum thanks the stars above that she's at least calm now, able to move past it and move on. 

This was just a temporary thing, sorting his and Ben's relationship out, finding a balance that works with both of them and they've done that now. He can be better for Whitney, starting now.

"How about on Saturday we go to that new club you wanted to go to?" Callum has never really wanted to go. Big, expensive clubs are usually too overwhelming for him to deal with.

Whitney looks shocked, their previous conversation almost completely gone.

"You mean _Dynasty?_ You've never wanted to go there, Callum."

"I know, I know," brushing his hands down her arms, Callum takes hold of her hands. "I want to, for you. I want to be better for you. I've been all over the place lately, worrying about my future, and I'm scared of messing this up — messing _us_ up."

"Cal," she sighs, squeezing his hands. "I'm sorry. I just get worried about you, not wanting to tell me things or be around me."

"Whit, it's fine. I'm going to sort it, alright? Everything will be fine soon, I'm just in a slump, and when I'm ready I'll talk to you about it."

Whitney seems to accept that, nodding and leaning up to kiss him. Callum tries, he really does, tries to feel something ignite but there's nothing there.

When he pulls away, Whitney is smiling, holding the side of his face with tender care, soft fingertips.

Words are easier, a lot easier. Callum can do that, at least.

"I really like you, Whit. I didn't mean for you to feel this way, so let's just go and — _party,_ yeah?"

"I never imagined Callum Highway to say _let's go and party,"_ Whitney chuckles at him, and Callum smiles.

"Well, maybe I'll get used to it, we'll go out more."

Whitney nods at that, taking a deep breath. Now they're standing in silence, just staring at each other, and it almost feels like Whitney is testing him, waiting for him to break.

But he doesn't, and Whitney stays over to watch a film before going home, sharing a kiss that leaves Callum feeling cold, but Whitney seems warm about it.

As the door closes, Pip comes up to him, nudging at Callum's hand that hovers idly. He feels empty, somehow.

God help him.

\- - -

_SATURDAY_

The rest of the week goes by smoothly, at least sending soft texts and small talk with his girlfriend is easy enough. But it's Saturday morning, and Callum is sitting in a waiting room that smells of a hospital for the appointment with his counsellor.

His leg bounces, nervous, knowing his thoughts are overwhelmingly about Ben, but mostly how much he feels out of place, knocked off balance by Ben literally barging into his life.

"Highway?" A lady speaks up, standing at the end of the hall, clipboard hugged in her arms, eyes already focused on Callum knowing it's his session today.

He smiles at her as he stands up, hands in his pockets and twisting the lining. She leaves the door open for him, allowing Callum into the soft and cozy room, a chair placed on one side and another directly in front. A tissue box sits on the table between the chairs, plants and an open window bringing in fresh air.

The sun that shines promises a good day, and Ben's already messaged him a time to meet. He has a few hours, but he doesn't know how long he's going to be here for.

Callum has a lot on his chest, and it's not going to be easy to let that go.

\- - -

It helps, speaking about things, knowing that what he says to that kind lady is something that stays between them and them only. 

As the radio hums a repetitive tune down the highway, Callum follows the directions on his phone to the park Ben messaged him about.

It's a twenty minute journey until he arrives, stones shuffling under his wheels as he reduces his speed, driving down a narrow road that opens up to a large field.

Kids are playing, dogs leaping after frisbees, and Pip beside Callum is already wide awake with interest, wanting to chase those objects herself. He laughs at her, saying that they're _almost there_ as Callum spots Ben's black car.

There's an empty space beside it, and Callum doesn't think twice before taking it, looking inside that very car and thinking back to that awful night. It's still as clear as day in his head, almost haunting, and Callum has to take a deep breath before he steps outside, Pip following.

It's easy for a man as tall as Callum to spot Ben and Lexi, sitting on a park bench not far away from what seems to be a food van, steam rising from the fryers and kids asking for milkshakes from their parents.

Pip walks beside Callum as they head towards them, and it's Lexi that spots them first. 

Ben turns around, and the exact feeling that his counsellor told him about strikes him right in the gut. Callum smiles, trying to hide it, but Lexi is already running towards them before Callum can do anything else.

"Hello!" She says, trying to seem interested in Callum but they all know Pip is the real star of the show. 

"I brought this," Callum takes a navy ball out of his pocket, covered in white paw prints and handing it over to Lexi. "Her favourite toy. Thought you'd wanna' play fetch with her considering there's a huge field."

Lexi's eyes light up, cheering _yes!_

As they head to the bench, Lexi asks if she can go play with Pip, to which Ben agrees with and allows her to go after choosing what she wants to eat first.

Picking fish and chips, Lexi darts off with Pip behind, bursting full of energy.

"Afternoon, Callum," Ben seems awfully formal, looking up from where he's sat at the bench, but his smirk is nothing but the usual.

"Afternoon, Ben," Callum quips back, sitting down in front of him. Ben only huffs.

Ben swiftly asks Callum what he wants to eat, offering to pay, and Ben doesn't allow any sort of complaint as Callum goes to say otherwise. It's his treat, apparently.

As if one free expensive spots car isn't enough already.

Callum picks the same food as Ben without realising, and when Ben walks off to order from the kitchen, Callum finally allows himself _breathe._

He feels better already, at peace, warmed by the rare sun at this time of year. Spring is almost here, so there's still a chill, but the sun is warm enough to only have jackets on instead of coats.

It feels like he's spending, quote on quote, _family time_ with Ben and Lexi even though it's not his family. Besides that, though, he's thankful that himself and Ben can mutually agree that Pip spending time with Lexi is good for all of them.

Also, now he's got everything off his chest, it's easier to comprehend being with Ben, the atmosphere no longer unsettling. Right now, Callum feels he can clear his head before the inevitable date with Whitney tonight.

Peace and quiet now might help him later.

It's not long before Ben is walking back, smiling as he sits down, "So, how was work? Any slackers you kicked out of the kitchen reality TV style?"

Callum easily slips into conversation with him about work, passion evident in his voice with how he talks about it. Ben notices how much Callum smiles when he does, hands gesturing to push his words across.

He talks about climbing the ranks, his favourite dishes, and Ben eats it up as if he's missed Callum's voice. 

It's calm, casual. They're just friends having lunch.

"So, since you're a chef, maybe I'll invite you round more often for the sake of cooking me some food," Ben thanks the lady that places their plates down in front of them, saying thanks again as she walks off. "I mean, I ain't bad, but I don't dabble in all that fancy stuff."

Lexi manages to catch the end of the conversation as she trots back over to the bench, stealing a chip from Ben's plate.

"Daddy is terrible at cooking."

"Uh, excuse me?" Ben fakes a shocked expression, but Callum thinks he's generally offended by how long he keeps it. "I was gonna' buy you a milkshake after this but with that comment, it looks like you'll have to open your piggy bank!"

He reaches for Lexi, tickling her to the point where they're both beaming with smiles. Pip is energetically hopping from one set of her paws to another, obviously happy, _beyond_ happy to be in the presence of old and new family.

Callum's heart is warm.

"Okay! Okay!" Lexi is still giggling when Ben stops tickling, moving to sit next to him. "I'm sorry, you're cooking is alright."

"Just alright?" Ben looks offended again, and he doesn't miss the small snort that Callum does. He turns to focus on him, and Callum tries to hide it behind his fist when he starts laughing. "You lied to me?"

"Didn't do any of the sort," Callum replies, shrugging while trying to hide an obvious smile.

Ben pushes the bottom of his jaw out, shaking his head slowly as he turns to Lexi and then Callum respectively, "Ungrateful, the both of you."

This is so - _easy._ Being with Ben is _easy._

Lexi giggles as she eats her fish and chips, and when Callum looks to her, she's holding her hand up to high five him.

Callum blanks, swallowing whatever food he has in his mouth and high fiving Lexi. Her hand is _so small_ compared to his, and because of that, he doesn't notice Ben staring at him in silent wonder.

It's only when Callum does eventually turn to Ben, smile on his face, that Ben jolts his head away. He's back to his usual self before Callum can even ask what that was.

"What is this? The bully Ben parade?" complains Ben, nose wrinkling when he looks to Lexi.

"Nope! You always say it's bad to lie, so I'm telling you the truth!"

Lexi always holds her head so high when she speaks, and as Callum looks between the two of them, he can see how Lexi is Ben's world, the only one that probably makes him smile like _that._

"Using my own words against me," Ben ruffles a hand through her hair with not much luck, considering it's in a platt. "Still love you, though."

Ben kisses the top of her head, and Callum thinks he's intruding on something he's not meant to see. Ben is completely different around Lexi, a proud father and not adrenaline hungry, adoring his child as any parent should, and their personalities are so awfully similar that Callum can't help but wish he has the same with his own kid one day.

He's smiling at them, and Ben catches him in the act. Callum just smiles a little wider at him before tucking in.

Once again, the silence that follows, mixed in with the casual sound of cutlery against plates is awfully welcoming. It feels normal.

Feels right.

\- - -

Pip manages a twenty minute power nap, stealing some grub and _another_ twenty minutes of sleep while Lexi eats. Ben insists she doesn't go running until some of her food has gone down, and she huffs, but Pip falling asleep at her feet keeps her quiet.

Ben does order her that milkshake, and the three of them engage in healthy conversation about what Lexi is learning at school, how she's talented at drawing and that she's covered her mother's entire fridge in different masterpieces.

Callum learns about Lola and Jay, more specifically how they're dating and Ben swiftly dodging the question about his history with Lexi's mom, Lola. He doesn't mind, but Callum can't forget how quickly he tried to change the subject, his voice picking up so Lexi didn't answer that for him.

They may be friends, but only new, and Ben needs more trust and time than a Saturday lunch for that story. 

Lexi does eventually run back into the field, Pip wasting no time in joining her, that one floppy ear bouncing as she looks up to Lexi with wide eyes. Callum leans on his hand, watching Lexi throw Pip's favourite ball. Pip always trots back to sit and offer the ball so they can play again.

Callum really wants to ask the true story behind Pip leaving, because when he glances to Ben, he's wearing that same guilt stricken smile watching them, the same one he wore when Callum first told him about Pip being at the rescue center.

Somewhere deep in his heart, Callum knows it wasn't Ben, trusting Pip not to fall for the first sign of love and affection simply because she's only really had Callum. 

But there was a time when Pip had Ben and Lexi, possibly even Jay and Lola, too. That time he'll never see, and probably will never hear about, but having that _maybe_ is better than believing Ben is the villain in all of this.

"She's really missed her," Callum says, still looking at Ben and meeting eyes when he turns to him.

"Yeah," gulps Ben, drinking some water before speaking again. "I appreciate it, you bringing her."

Still no thanks. It must be a hard word to receive from him, and Callum thinks for a moment that Ben might have lost his own trust in saying it, given out too many times for it to be returned in one piece.

Maybe his heart shares the same history.

"It's nothing," Callum pinches the end of his jacket sleeve, looking back to Lexi. Ben remains focused on Callum for a bit longer. "It's actually helped, you know."

"What has?"

"Being here, with Lexi, Pip and you," Callum can't stop himself, not when his heart has been so unstable since his talk with Whitney. He needs to find some solid ground, and unfortunately, he's gone searching for it in the wild waves of Ben. "I don't do this often. Going out. I pretty much stay inside or go to the Vic after work and — this is different, and it's nice."

Ben frowns a little, watching the way Callum's smile fades after mentioning his time here, and somehow, Ben wants to reach out and catch it before it's gone forever.

"Trouble in paradise?" Is all Ben can manage, all he can say to Callum.

Callum sighs, folding his arms across the surface of the table.

"Guess you could say that," Callum still has food left even after all this time, choosing to take his time and listening to Lexi and Pip more than focusing on his own food.

Ben notices, too. He always seems to take extra detail where Callum is concerned.

"Sounds like today really did save your hind if that frown you're wearing is any sign," Ben doesn't know what he's going to say if Callum speaks up, or if he's even going to mention why he's down, but Ben wants to listen.

"Me and Whit argued," and that's what clicks the atmosphere, changes it. 

"First scuffle?" Ben says, looking uninterested as he picks up his burger, Lexi's laughter sounding in the distance.

"Yeah. First proper one I guess — not the, uh — arguments over what to eat for lunch or where to go on the weekend," Callum glances at him, seeing Ben taking more interest in his burger.

He needs Ben's attention back, wants that focus on him so he doesn't feel so lonely. Callum won't admit it feels cold, almost like there's a physical barrier between them now that the mention of Callum's love life has slottedbetween them.

"Turned up Thursday night, her face was — _something._ I knew as soon as I opened the door that I was in for an earful, and even now I feel so fucking guilty about it," Callum moves his fork through a chip, idly thinking about Whitney's face when she said it. "She thought I was cheating on her."

And that's when Ben reacts, almost choking on his burger from trying to halt the laugh that rocks his lungs. Callum watches as he pats his own chest, smirk on his face and trying to chew on the remaining food.

When he swallows, Ben shakes his head.

"What?" asks Callum, picking up a chip.

"You," he points towards him with his burger. "Don't look like the cheating person. Too soft, too friendly."

Callum scoffs at him, trying to subdue his anger when he eats the chip, choosing not to give Ben more fuel for his laughter.

"Well, she did," shrugs Callum, turning for a moment to see Pip chasing Lexi, and then Lexi throwing the ball again with a cheer. "I said I was just seeing a mate."

 _"Oh,"_ Ben places his burger down, obviously more interested now. "So — she thought you were cheating on her with _me?"_

The grin on Ben's face riles Callum, and he pushes it down to save a scene. Callum knows being _friends_ with Ben requires a dull mind towards his constant teasing and jokes about late nights with him.

But as the silence drags on, Ben starts to giggle to himself, seeing the opportunity and taking it.

"You were either so good you knocked me out, or you were so bad I didn't save a spot in my memory for you," Ben eats another chip, completely amused by all of this. "Which one is it?"

 _"Ben,"_ sighs Callum, tipping his head back. "Please, stop laughing at me."

"I'm not laughing," Ben replies, very much giggling to himself.

"You are."

"Am not," he tilts his head, and Callum looks down to Ben's lips and that smile. He looks like a child getting caught stealing candy and being proud about it.

Callum can't win against him, and the inevitable happens. That smile makes Callum laugh, quietly and only between them. He dips his head to his chest, hiding his smile from him, but from how they're sat Ben can see it clearly.

Ben picks his burger back up, "But in all honesty, you don't exactly go out at normal times."

"And I wonder why," he glares at Ben, to which he only shrugs.

"Beats me," Ben lifts his head, trying to look proud of himself. "I go to bed on time like a good little lad."

Callum hums, "Sure," he says, and this time it's his turn to laugh.

As the pair finish their food in mutual silence, Ben orders another milkshake, but this time it's for Callum instead of Lexi. Callum protests, but Ben just laughs and says a lover's first quarrel is always solved with a good milkshake.

Callum smiles bright when the lady places it in front of him, offering his thanks, and stares back at Ben with the same glee. 

"This feels silly," says Callum, taking hold of the straw and stirring the contents.

"Shut up and drink the damn milkshake," argues Ben, but there's no malice in his voice, only a fond smile that stays, eyes on Callum as he tips back the rest of his orange juice.

Shaking his head, Callum takes the first sip, licks his top lip and nods, "Yeah, it's good."

"So were you apparently," Ben starts grinning, and Callum grabs the glass, faking that he's going to throw it at him. "Wait! I'm sorry! Can't resist."

"Once again, you're irritating," Callum takes another sip, and this time, Ben's watching him. "Buyin' me a milkshake to get over an argument with my girlfriend, and yet you dig at me still."

Ben laughs, smile almost reaching his ears, "Just funny, ain't it?" 

Callum rolls his eyes at him, wiping the condensation from the glass onto his sleeve, fingertips now a little cold. The conversation with Whitney is still bothering him, and Ben seems to notice.

"Everything alright, though?" asks Ben.

It's not like Callum expected it, for Ben to care about his relationship, but to hear the genuine concern or perhaps curiosity is enough to knock Callum back a little.

"Yeah, think it's just gonna' take some time. Guess I gotta' be a better man."

Ben frowns at that, tapping his finger against the table, "Right." He sounds unsure, the words rocking an unsteady hope inside Callum's chest. "Takes two people to make a relationship, mate. Surely there's some fault for her, too."

"Nah," Callum's face falls, "It's me. Not exactly good at this relationship thing."

Biting his lip, Ben watches him closely, how he's pushing his fingertips together and looking down. He's truly feeling as if he's to blame, and even though Ben doesn't know all of it, there's still a rather prominent push against his chest that wants to prove Callum wrong.

"Why don't you come out tonight," Ben says, tapping the table to get him to look up. "Forget about it all, yeah? I know a club with cheap drinks and good company."

Callum feels the word _yes_ leap from his chords, but it's never said because of the way he grits his teeth.

"Shit," Callum says on a breath, pushing his hand against his head.

"Already made plans?" Ben sounds fine, but the look on his face is mild disappointment.

"Yeah, kinda' promised Whit we'd go out tonight," Callum's throat feels tight when Ben's hand moves away from the center of the table. 

"Fair enough," Ben says. "Relighting a fire, I suppose. Gotta' take Lexi back to Lola tonight anyway."

Ben's shuffling around now, checking his pockets for his keys and calling Lexi back to the table. They're leaving.

Callum's body pings with a cold sensation. _God no,_ he doesn't want them to go yet, the little bubble around them starting to pop and the weight of the world crowding in again.

"Maybe another time?" a desperate hope for Callum, but he says it anyway.

Ben just shrugs, "Maybe, yeah. Don't wanna' come between you and your gal any more than I already have, though. Normal hours, daylight."

As Lexi reaches the table, Callum chooses not to say anything else, and what Ben said felt like the end of their conversation anyway.

"Ready to go?" says Ben, talking to Lexi as he leans down to pet Pip on the head.

Pip is panting, thoroughly exhausted but still with a spring in her step, tail wagging from side to side with no sign of stopping.

"Can we do this again next time I'm here?" Lexi asks, looking directly at Callum as he finishes the milkshake.

"Of course," Callum takes one step forward as he stands up and away from the bench, taking Pip's favourite ball back. "I'm sure Pip would love the same, too."

Lexi cheers, and Ben laughs at her, nodding towards Callum as what he presumes is a thanks. It's all he's going to get.

Pip sits down, already aware of what this scene entails. They're leaving, and she whimpers looking between them all, Callum's heart sinking when he has to reassure her.

"It's alright, Pip," he says, scratching behind her floppy ear. "They'll be back soon."

She still grumbles, moving towards Lexi to say one final goodbye as Ben looks back to Callum. He's standing there, hands in his pockets, question on his tongue that there's no point in asking.

But Ben's never listened to his own rules.

"Look good together, don't they?"

Callum doesn't catch on to what he means until Ben's gesturing with his head, back towards the cars.

"Oh," Callum looks again, the blue and the black, shining under a warm sun. "They do look nice."

What's he meant to say to that? That they're good looking pieces of metal?

Ben shakes his head at him, "You should come, one night," he rolls his car keys around his fingers. "See what it's like."

"Thought you said normal hours," jokes Callum, referring back to earlier. Ben grins at him.

"Just offering, Callum," he places a hand on Lexi's shoulder, moving them along now Pip and herself have said their goodbye. "See you tomorrow, _loverboy."_

Oh, yeah. Tomorrow is Sunday. Ben will be at his house late, then back early hours of the morning.

Ah, _shit._ Whitney needs to be nowhere near his house tomorrow, and Callum has to think of something, but nothing's making sense.

Not when he's focused on Ben and Lexi walking away, Pip sulking at his feet as she too, watches them go. Ben's car starts up not a moment too soon, and Lexi is waving at them out of the passenger window as the car rolls away.

Callum looks for Ben as he waves back to Lexi, but the cold that washes over his chest stays there for hours when he realises Ben isn't looking back.

\- - -

_SATURDAY NIGHT_

For someone who argued about the car this morning, Whitney keeps telling Callum how nice it is when she's sitting inside. She's pointing to all of the various buttons, the display behind the wheel, the comfort of the seats.

Callum just laughs when she says to go a little faster, but he doesn't, keeping to the limit even if he hasn't before. There's just something about this atmosphere inside the car that feels exhausting, cramped.

He wants to get out.

The club is a welcome sight when it usually isn't, and it's a big enough establishment to have drivers go park your car somewhere for you. Callum looks reluctant to give the keys over, sharing a glare with the gentleman. 

_One scratch, and I'll have you on the floor._

There's no reason to be defensive over it, considering the car isn't exactly his, but there's a tiny bit of attachment to it that causes the little clasp of aggression.

Whitney hooks her arm around Callum's, having dressed up for the occasion as she sings her way through the club doors. She seems happy, almost ignoring the small conflict from this morning.

Either way, Callum sighs as the familiar bass of the music starts to thread its way through the atmosphere, loud and moving the souls of everyone in the building. He's not drinking tonight even some part of him wants to, but he needs to keep a clear head.

Callum looks around, the lyrics of a song walking up his skin as he takes in the decorations, the dancing and grinding bodies, drinks being tipped back and thrown when someone successfully downs a whole bottle.

It's not Callum's scene, not at all, but there's something so intoxicating about clubs. Low lights, the hum of a positive vibe in the air, getting lost with a stranger just for one night and regretting it in the morning, a tower bell ringing in your ears to boot.

But he's here with Whitney, already off to get them drinks, and Callum just smiles and says he'll get them a table.

As she walks away, Callum switches his focus to the floor, then to the stairs leading up to the booths, silks of gold and silver falling from the ceiling. He's here to have fun, ignite a flame back into his relationship, and from today, he'll be a better man.

But nothing will ever feel the same as seeing _him,_ leaning over the railing, beer bottle in hand, same leather jacket from their first night sitting on his shoulders as the lights from the DJ's stage weave around the hall.

Ben.

He's looking directly at him, a shine in his eyes that says so many things Callum can't understand, or he's too afraid to even admit.

Callum's frozen, even more so when Ben tips some of that bottle down his throat, eyes fixed on Callum still as the chorus of the song picks up;

_what am I gonna do?_

_to stop myself running back to you?_

He snaps out of it when a guy walks up beside Ben, hands moving over Ben's arms and hugging him. But Ben isn't paying attention to what seems to be another notch on his belt, flush to his cheeks, completely focused on Callum instead even as the guy starts to kiss at his cheek.

Callum feels as if looking away will make Ben disappear, and it's only when Whitney finds him again does he finally turn his focus to his girlfriend.

_"No tables, then?"_

He's speechless, Ben having stole what focus he had, and it only takes a second for Whitney to look back to where Callum was looking when he doesn't respond.

Her face goes white, and as Callum looks up, Ben's gaze is still on him, but now he's turning into the guy on his arm, kissing him with a fever that makes Callum's skin _itch._

Whitney turns back to him, anger clear in the way she shoves at him, some of the alcohol spilling from the glasses she's holding.

_"That Ben? Are you kidding me?!"_

Callum reaches out, wanting to explain, the pre drinks already knocking Whitney around a little. There's no time to explain, not here, and as she starts to walk away, Callum goes after her.

 _"Whit,"_ he's trying to shout over the music, hope draining as his girlfriend passes their drinks to random strangers, cheering as a result of free booze. _"Whitney!"_

She turns to him, then, and looks a minute away from slapping him, _"Not now, Callum. Enjoy your night, I'm going home."_

 _"I'll drive you,"_ Callum tries, desperate, but Whitney is already walking away. _"Whit!"_

Whitney drowns in the sea of people, and Callum has no fight left in him to chase her the whole way. What would it achieve besides a scene? They'd be shouting at each other in public as if they've failed their marriage when they're not even married.

Callum tips his head back, swallows hard, and for once allows the heavy trance of the music to hold him a little more.

As he turns back to Ben, back to the man that started all of this, Callum frowns. 

Ben's raising his bottle towards him, the other guy still all over him, and Callum doesn't have a second thought before he's walking towards the stairs.

And again, the lyrics of the song taunt him, clawing at his chest;

_please tell me, what am I going to do?_

_to stop myself running back to you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLUB SCENE NEXT CHAPTER LET THE YEARNING COMMENCE
> 
> Also the song in the club playing is [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/6WdeYa6Udf4cITiSL0cEhB?si=MXa0NQhlTeK9lGvjV5eYAQ)  
> 


	8. devil on your shoulder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings / blood, violence, self inflicted harm, internalized homophobia 
> 
> Thanks to jay for helping me make decisions again <3

Each step becomes heavier, a strain on his own body that's more mental than physical. Just knowing he's mere seconds away from Ben makes anger curl Callum's fingers.

The song has shifted to another, loud bass almost deafening, but it helps push Callum, adrenaline moving with the music that ruptures through the floor.

When Callum gets to the top, he's making a beeline for Ben, face shaped by a frown as it doesn't take long for a guy as tall as Callum to make up distance with strides.

Ben is looking at him, completely chill, bottle still in hand and the stranger still wrapped around him. There's a grin on his face, and Callum starts to become a little worried that Ben _isn't_ concerned about Callum growing ever closer.

Before he can take another step across the balcony, there's a strong hand against Callum's chest, a guy matching Callum's height with a deep voice.

"VIP's only, son."

Callum looks from the guy to Ben, and the little shit just _winks._

"I need to speak to him," says Callum, voice a little loud to speak over the music, but it's generally quieter up here.

The guy shakes his head, "No can do." He pushes Callum back a little, face stern behind black sunglasses. "Back downstairs."

Callum sighs, about to turn around, but Ben speaks up.

 _"Ay, Dan, let him in,"_ Ben turns to the guy on his arm after that, whispering something Callum has no chance of hearing. 

With Ben's golden ticket to pass, Dan, with his hand against Callum's chest, gives one more look at him before stepping aside.

Callum breathes out, walking the remaining distance as the guy on Ben's arm starts to walk away, looking a little defeated. There's a twinge in Callum's gut, a small victory, but he doesn't understand why he'd feel that way.

Ben is still leaning against the railing, watching as Callum approaches with purpose in his steps. But they slow, and Ben smiles wider, tilting his head and seeing the way Callum's brows unknit from the frown.

This isn't his world, it's Ben's. Callum knows that, and the adrenaline fades quickly as the reality of Ben being _right there_ smacks him in the face quicker than he can take his next step.

"You gonna' say something to me or stare the whole night?" Ben pushes himself from the railing, taking those last few steps until he's standing right in front of Callum. "I'm sure you've heard it before, the saying? Take a picture because it'll last longer?"

Callum feels his hands twitch, searching over Ben's face as purple, blue and orange move over the walls surrounding them. It feels as if his entire focus is blurring around him, Ben the only focus, bright in a seemingly dull club.

"Not to rush you, sunshine," Ben points to a far room with his free hand, "but I was kinda' having fun before your straight parade showed up. So, whatever you're here for, hurry it up?"

And like that, a flare ignites inside Callum. Anger pushes him forward, taking hold of the lapels on Ben's jacket. It fuels Ben's amusement, teeth showing in a grin as the guards come rushing towards them.

"It's alright, lads," Ben raises both hands, halting them, and Ben can't take his eyes off Callum. "Always liked it a little rough."

Callum shoves him, Ben not tumbling or losing his footing. He just finishes the bottle he's drinking right there, watching Callum's chest rise and fall.

"We need to talk," Callum says, finally.

"Oh, we do?" Ben replies, pointing to Callum. "Last time you said that you 'ad me up a wall. Now, back then we didn't really see eye to eye, but now we're _mates,_ that could mean an _entirely different_ thing."

This is different. Ben is different. It's as if their first night is replaying back, but now, they know each other's names and have a lot more history, as small as it is. 

_This_ Ben is more closed, quipping his way around questions that he doesn't really want to answer, a smirk on his lips that dares anyone to try their luck. He's nothing like the Ben he saw with Lexi earlier today, friendly and _warm_ and everything Callum likes about him.

But now, there's nothing more than anger swirling in the pit of his stomach, and then a twinge of something else entirely, making his lips numb and hands cold.

Callum takes a step forward, mentally feeling a string being pulled taut between them, and no matter how hard he tries, Callum can't seem to break it.

He should be chasing after his girlfriend, apologising and taking her home. But instead, he's here, trying to coax one _decent_ answer from Ben.

"Why are you here?" Callum asks, his expression now a mix between frustration and confusion. He just wants to know why Whitney acted that way.

Ben isn't going to move from the top of his kingdom, so Callum will have to make due with the slightly loud music coming from the floor below them. 

"Why am I here?" repeats Ben, looking away and towards the club in general, gesturing his hands to the space around them. "I _own_ this place."

There's no way Callum could've expected that, eyes going a little wide before frowning, "So that's why you said you know somewhere?"

"Ding ding, Callum. You're quite smart," Ben turns back to the balcony, leaning on it, hands out in front and clasped together. "Looks like you should've agreed to come with me instead of Whitney. Date didn't last past the first drink, did it? What did you bore her with?"

With every word, the gears in Callum's body click closer to throttling him. He can feel it, wanting to defend himself but also Whitney, considering _Ben_ is the reason his plan to start again is failing before it's even started.

"It was _you,"_ Callum points, and Ben turns just enough to see Callum to his side. "She took one look at you and left. Want to explain that? Or are you just gonna' be — _this_ all night?"

Ben scoffs, looking at him over his shoulder, "This? What do you mean by that?"

More questions, distractions against Callum's that just drag the seconds _on and on._ The more Callum waits, standing at Ben's feet and _hoping,_ the more Ben twists him around his finger to control.

But Callum has fought his fair share of egotistic men, and Ben isn't any different.

What _is_ different, though, is the devil on his shoulder feasting off how much Callum's thoughts are racing. Callum can admit it, that Ben looks _good,_ he can admit it without it being anything else.

Ben doesn't need to know that. Never will.

"Just tell me, Ben," sighs Callum, shrugging with his hands in his pockets. "Tell me why Whit' can't even _look_ at you."

Pressing his lips together, Ben exhales through his nose, tapping the balcony once, then twice. "I don't have to tell you anything, loverboy. Whatever problem Whitney has with me, it's something that doesn't concern you."

"Of course it does," Callum takes a step forward, defensive, leaning down so Ben can hear him loud and clear. "She's my _girlfriend."_

"Is she, now?" clicking his tongue, Ben turns his head to Callum, only a small distance between them, and Ben being Ben can't help but glance at his lips. "Because from what I'm seeing, you're still here, in _my_ club."

Callum can't move, as if Ben has his hands on him, bolting him to the spot. It's hard not to look over his face, jaw locked so that he doesn't give in to temptation, doesn't give in to the whispers that are _so_ _fucking loud._

"Shouldn't you be going after her? Apologies and promises to do better?" Ben straightens from leaning on the balcony, and as if they're linked, Callum does the same, almost mirroring him as they stand opposite. "Take her home, make even more promises and wake up all sweet in her arms? That's what you should be doing, right?"

There's something he wants to say, but Callum's tongue is tied. Ben's eyes are so blue, and the words Ben speaks are starting to sound a lot like his own conscious thoughts. 

He's right. Ben's right, and Callum _hates it._

Each beat of the music below them is like a heartbeat, and Callum can feel his own stuck in his throat, breathing strained because he's so _angry_ but so _caught._

He's caught in Ben, held by hands that are nowhere near him, the guilt in Callum's mind about leaving Whitney dwindling to nothing more than a little buzz in the back of his subconscious.

And as Ben allows the silence to swallow them, he encourages Callum to soak up the atmosphere between, the obvious temptation that's starting to dwell and twist the pulse in their veins.

"Why are you still here?" Ben asks, quiet, to himself and Callum only, a tiny hint of hurt hidden in the tones of his voice.

He half expects Callum to run, to grab him and shove him away, or throttle him so hard that Ben feels the familiar throb and tight sting against his face. 

But Callum is just standing there, expression loose, eyes empty with the uncertainty of what's a real feeling and what's fueled by Ben.

"Why not run after her, the perfect girl? Keep me in the shadows, explain to her about our small arrangement, go back to being the doting boyfriend and possibly propose to her in a few months."

Callum swallows, thoughts becoming too much, too painful. Ben putting scenarios in his head like that swirl ill, rupturing foundations he thought were steady. He can't imagine another step in their relationship, and how can he even fathom something as huge as _proposing_ to his girlfriend when he can't even solve why he's _here._

His legs steered him towards Ben, not his girlfriend. His thoughts are about Ben, not his girlfriend.

Callum can't explain why he chose to be here, standing in front of him with only a hands width between keeping the statement of _friends_ intact.

"But you're here," Ben says, a silk to his voice that's so intoxicating. "Not out there, with her, probably in a taxi back to the square. You're _here."_

He's stating the obvious, clear as day, but hearing it haunts Callum and nails how _real_ it all is. It's even more real when Callum realises his anger is practically gone, still there like a twitch, but it's been replaced with something else, a feeling he can't describe.

"You don't know, do you?" Ben searches over Callum's face, biting his bottom lip in thought before focusing on his eyes again. "Do you really like her? Or is it just something to pass the time?"

It feels like an arrow pierces through him, _sharp_ and opening up parts he's locked away, dust flying from the shelves because _no one,_ not even Callum himself dares go there.

It'll change everything, and the thought of that _grips_ his spine with cold hands, _pulls_ at the bones and makes Callum feel as if he's not inside his own body, wanting to escape.

_Do you really like her?_

Of course he does, almost loves her. _Almost._ Callum can't see why that question creates so much uncertainty in the shake of his hands, eyes blooming with untapped fear.

Ben can see it, and it's a sight that's rewarding, but also a sight that's incredibly familiar. He's drunk, a bit of a little shit, and he can't help but speak what he feels.

"So that's how it is, right? Hide behind the perfect girl, kiss all of the other thoughts away even though it gives you _nothing_ in return," Ben can see his words aren't catching on, Callum's expression morphing to one of confusion and mild anger.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

 _Denial._ How sweet it is to Ben's ears, and he remembers the words _so well_ it feels like looking back at himself all those years ago.

"Your _girlfriend,_ Callum. Nothing more than a safety net."

And just when he thought it was over, anger floods back to Callum's fingertips, gripping Ben's shirt and pushing him back. The guards don't do anything when Ben's back hits the wall, a rush of air pushed from Ben's lungs.

"You _don't_ get to talk about her like that," grits Callum, tightening Ben's shirt in his hands.

Ben just laughs, tipping his head back to thump softly against the wall. He looks down his nose at Callum, swaying a little.

"I don't? Thought you wanted answers," he looks to the side, then back again. "Can't give you answers if I don't talk about her." Ben licks his lips, watching how Callum's eyes switch focus downward before coming back up again. _"Or,_ are the answers you want about _you?"_

Callum uses his height, or tries, shuffling his feet so he can look down at him even more than he was before.

"I'm tired of your games, Ben. Just tell me what I want to know and I can leave you _and_ this club. Why make it so difficult?" He almost looks defeated as he says it, borderline pain in Callum's eyes. "I just wanna' be good for her, and I can't when you've _fucked_ it up."

Ben gasps, "Me? Fucking things up? Who would've thought," taking his time, Ben leans his head a little forward, nose almost brushing Callum's. "But I'll tell you something, and it's that I'm _really_ starting to get tired of you pushing me up walls without good reason."

"Maybe if you just answered my questions I wouldn't have to," Callum shoves him a little, Ben clenching his jaw. _"Answer me,_ Ben. _How_ do you know her?"

It's futile, hoping that he's just going to open up about such history when Callum barely knows him. But Callum is the guy to look at a person and see the good unless the bad significantly outweighs it, and there's _good_ in Ben.

Lexi, his daughter, brings out a smile from Ben that Callum feels is only for his family, the ones he deeply loves, and to even have _that_ is enough for Callum to see past the bad boy paint job.

But Ben won't let Callum in, not yet.

"I don't have to say anything to you, Callum. Ask your girlfriend, not me, considering she's the one that took one look at me and ghosted you," Ben shoves at Callum's chest, giving him space, but he does it to shift the balance. "So go after her, yeah? Ask _her,_ not me. I'm sick of people like you finding out both stories and still choosing to turn your back on me."

Callum just shakes his head at him, "I wouldn't, that's why I'm here," and he swallows the rock in his throat when Ben takes a step forward, looking up at him with a stern gaze. "I came to you to listen to _you."_

 _"About your girlfriend,"_ Ben replies, snappy, almost hissed through his teeth. "I ain't interested. She's your problem, not mine."

"And _you're_ involved, too, so _you're_ part of the problem," Callum can't stop himself, wanting answers, something to take away that'll make it feel a bit easier.

His choice of words are sour, and Ben just shakes his head, pushing his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

"Oh, so I'm part of it? Not you?"

Callum loses control of the reins again, face falling, "What?"

"Can't get me out of your head, can you?" Ben searches his face, eyes softening until he starts speaking again. "Why else would you be here, Callum?"

Ben is doing this on purpose. He wants to see how far Callum can go before the limit clicks and it's over. 

"I don't know what you're talking about," Callum stutters, lips pressed tightly together as Ben leans in a little closer.

"Do you like her, Callum? _Love_ her?"

And with that, Callum steps back, the pull at his spine growing stronger, fear gnawing like hounds across his skin.

_No. No, he can't know._

Ben doesn't say anything more, watching Callum step back, jaw locking, head falling. He knows those words hurt, because he's felt them himself before.

"Do you feel anything with her? Is it just a constant loop of the same, dull week?" Ben speaks up again, smile gone from his face.

They've flipped, atmosphere now falling heavy on Callum's shoulders like talons.

"Stop, will you?" Callum feels his fingers tingle, irritating and itchy. "You're talking nonsense. I — I love her."

Ben shakes his head, "Is that true?" He's shrugging, tongue clicking once, "Then — why are you here?"

Not that question, not again.

"I already said why," Callum swallows, pulse wild in his ears. "I want to know what happened between you and Whitney."

"For her, or for me?" asks Ben, catching Callum's glance at the last word. That's all the answer he needs.

"I'm here for Whitney," sounds a lot easier to say in his head, because if he doesn't say anything now, he fears he doesn't know what he'd say at all.

And Ben isn't done. Not yet, not when Callum is looking at him with those eyes, eyes that say _save me_ because Callum's not aware that he needs saving. He needs guidance, but that doesn't come easy to Ben when there's alcohol and anger in his veins. 

Ben doesn't help people. He ruins them.

"Why are you here?" Ben asks again.

"I told you."

"You told me wrong."

Callum scoffs, "And how would you know that?"

"Because I do," Ben's staring at himself, all those years ago, denial thicker than self love. "Tell me why."

"I don't — _this isn't funny,"_ laughs Callum, but it's laced with fear, nerves. "Just — _tell me_ what I want to know, _please."_

Ben _almost_ gives him mercy, pausing for a second, "I will, if you tell me why you're here."

 _"Stop_ with the same question over and over again." Callum takes a step forward again, heat in his veins.

"Answer mine and I'll answer yours."

"I _have,"_ Callum's becoming irritated, defenseless, and his right hand curls once more into a fist. "What do you want from me?"

Ben chooses to stay quiet, focusing entirely on Callum when he realises how hard he's breathing, struggling. Ben's fingers tingle to reach out, to comfort him, and he has no idea why he feels like he should.

He's the one forcing Callum to speak words he doesn't want to say.

And then Callum is biting his bottom lip, shaking his head as he looks down. The cold that drips down his spine is from sweat alone, and he feels feverish, _trapped._

In the noise of the club, maybe Ben won't hear him, no one will.

"Why are you in my head?" 

Ben thinks he's the one that's said it, his own thoughts brought to life, but he's not the one looking lost, broken, caught between his heart and reality. 

It's Callum. _Callum_ said it.

Ben blanks, lingering on the way Callum's lip trembles, but he's speaking again once he takes a deep breath, voice hoarse and struggling because he's been holding this back for too long. He didn't even know he was holding it back in the first place.

"I can't get you out — I don't know why but I just — I can't get you out of my head," Callum tips his head back, hissing from the pain in his throat, clenching his fist to the point where his knuckles turn white, and he _swings._

Ben expects to feel it, the sting, the few seconds of silence and complete black.

But it's not there. It never arrives.

He does, however, hear the sharp whistle of glass breaking, tumbling to the floor, crumbling under the force that broke it. Ben opens his eyes to Callum hanging his head, his arm over Ben's shoulder, brushing against him as Callum pulls his arm back, very little weight in how he holds himself.

There's moisture in Callum's eyes, hissing, gritting his teeth in pain as he slowly clutches his hand, bringing it to his chest. 

Ben feels dread swallow his lungs, noticing the blood on Callum's knuckles as it drips down his fingers. It's a lot of minor cuts, and as Callum stumbles back a few steps, Ben follows after, hands reaching out to try and pull him back.

"Callum," starts Ben, voice softer than what it was before, club music drowning out. 

"No — I'm fine," Callum tries to take his hand away, but he hisses again from the pain, Ben taking hold of his wrist to keep it still. _"Don't,_ Ben."

Ben doesn't say anything, inspecting the damage, and Callum is surprised at how gentle he's being compared to how ruthless he was with his words just seconds before.

"We'll get you home, yeah?" says Ben, keeping his eyes away from Callum's broken gaze.

"No, _no —_ I don't wanna' bump into Whit. Not — not like this." 

And it's with that, that Ben finally looks towards Callum's eyes again, and it's like a mirror image of shattered glass. Ben's broken another.

Callum's so scared, so alone, and Ben's just forced him to rip off the armour.

"Then we'll go to mine," Ben insists, calling for one of the guards to call a cab, but Callum isn't having any of it.

"There's gotta' be a kit here," he looks around, as if hoping to spot it. He doesn't want to spend another minute in Ben's presence knowing how open he's been, what he's revealed.

"Callum — listen to me," he says, waiting until Callum focuses on Ben, and _only_ Ben. "You need to get out of this club, okay? I'll call another cab when we've cleaned this up to take you home."

Callum hisses again when he tries to move one of his fingers, and for a moment Callum fears it might be broken.

But it doesn't hurt as much as the echo in his chest, loud and painful to the point where it feels bruised. Callum has never felt this type of pain before, accepting what he fears, or at least accepting that it exists.

"My car," whispers Callum, Ben leading him towards the back exit, careful not to hurt his hand as he holds his wrist, thumb moving over the pulse.

"I'll ask someone to pick up the keys and drive it back for you," Ben clicks the back door open, the rumbling, chuckling engine of the black cab already there. "Now c'mon. My house is closer than the square."

Callum doesn't have the will to fight, anger replaced by pain, guilt, confusion. Even as he sits in the back seat, clutching his hand while Ben stares out the window, he feels lost. _Sick._

Ben's walked into his life and changed _everything,_ digging up demons buried so deep Callum thought he'd never have to truly face them.

It's never easy, never easy to hide half in the light and half in shadow.

Now, he's overwhelmed by it, spoken loud and clear for himself and Ben to hear, and that makes it true — _real._

_He can't get Ben out of his head._

\- - -

The cab remains silent for the entire journey. Callum doesn't even dare to look at Ben, keeping to himself and looking down at the blood staining his hand.

Is this what it feels like? To be truthful?

Callum hisses as another wave of pain shoots up his arm, Ben flinching to check on him. When they meet eyes, Ben breaks away again, pretending he's interested in the scenery outside.

When they arrive at Ben's house, Ben pays the driver, not expecting Callum to offer since he's so focused on his hand, the central pain that distracts him from everything else.

Ben knows there's a war going on inside, bottom lip red from how much he's been biting it, trying to keep his emotions closed in when they're bursting through the seams. Ben's felt that before, but he can't imagine how it must feel for Callum, because pain comes in many forms, varying from person to person.

And for a guy as good as Callum, a smile that's bright enough to replace the sun, tumbling into the complete opposite spectrum of emotions must feel like someone's broken his arm. Sharp, sudden and lingering pain.

Ben steps out, and the thud of the door when Ben shuts it must shove Callum from his own trance. It takes him a few seconds, but Callum steps out, shocks rippling up and down the nerves of his arm.

As Callum shuts the cab door, Ben takes his house keys out, unlocking the door and ushering Callum inside. Lexi has been gone for a few hours now, back at Lola's, and the sadness on Callum's face with not seeing her smile brings Ben a different type of pain.

Once inside, Ben offers him a seat on the exact same couch he slept on before, and it's not long before Ben's on his way over with a warm cloth, aid kit and a fresh bandage.

He sits on the coffee table in front of Callum, throwing his own jacket to the other chair behind them. Callum just shuffles awkwardly, keeping quiet.

Ben reaches his hand out, and for a moment, Callum just stares at it. Isn't he meant to be tending to Callum's wounds and not a handshake?

"Your hand?" Ben gestures for him to give it over, chuckling a little at how clueless Callum looks.

"Should you be doing this drunk?" Asks Callum, moving his hand forward.

Just like before, Ben takes hold of his hand gently, fingertips rough but delicate as he pulls Callum's hand closer to him. This way, he can see the damage a little more closely, ignoring Callum's question for the meantime.

No glass shards, thankfully. Ben breathes a sigh of relief, and if it's one for himself or Callum, he has no idea.

"I've dealt with a lot worse while drunk, trust me," turning to grab the damp cloth, Ben holds Callum's hand a little more firm, warm.

Callum watches as Ben starts to dab at the cuts on his knuckles, gritting his teeth with a hiss, hand twitching back when Ben irritates a deeper cut.

"Sorry," he says, and it sounds genuine.

"It's okay," Callum replies, smiling, but it falls when Ben isn't looking in order to catch it. He feels his heart in his throat. "Worse?" Callum has to keep talking, otherwise one of two things could happen — falling asleep from exhaustion, or falling to pressure and not being able to speak at all.

"I've had my fair share of cut knuckles and noses. Pretty sure I had a cut lip the first time I met you," Ben adds more pressure, and with it, looks directly at him to judge how much pain he's in.

Callum grits his teeth again, feeling the sting, but it's nothing compared to everything else. This time, he doesn't flinch away, and Ben's thumb moves over the back of his hand like some sort of endearment.

"Yeah, I remember," Callum says, almost fondly, glancing at Ben to see his smile.

"Not my best first impression, was it?" he jokes.

That lifts the atmosphere a little, Callum huffing to himself, "Not really."

Callum appreciates the peace for a moment, giving him time to focus on how rough Ben's fingertips feel on his palm, holding Callum with such fragile care, warm to the touch but firm. 

It feels nice, and now he's thought that, Callum can't stop.

Callum wants to hold Ben, to hold his hand, to feel how warm their hands would be entwined together.

Ben turns the cloth over, cleaning Callum's hand thoroughly. His hand is looking much better than before despite the bruises that are starting to bloom black and blue.

Placing the cloth aside, Ben picks up a fresh bandage, adjusting his hold on Callum's hand so a few of their fingers become intertwined.

It occurs to Callum that Ben is trying to do everything with one hand, not wanting to let go of Callum. Or, that's what he thinks, _hoping._

Callum feels his heartbeat drumming in his ears, words on his tongue that his heart so desperately wants to say.

_Thank you._

"You missed, by the way," Ben smiles as he glances to him, and Callum blinks.

"What?"

"Your punch."

Callum huffs, but the smile that appears morphs back to discomfort, hissing once more when Ben tightens the bandage too tight around the first finger.

"My bad," he says, and Callum shakes his head. 

"I wasn't planning to," replies Callum, looking down to how Ben carefully wraps the bandage in and around his fingers. "I — I, uh — saw myself in the mirror for a second and — yeah. Felt sick, all of a sudden. Just lost it, I guess."

"Also my fault," Ben says, a pinch of pain crawling across his chest at the mention of Callum feeling ill while looking at himself. But Callum glances at him, and Ben can't help but give him a soft smile before Callum is looking beside them again.

"You didn't say anything wrong though, did you? It was all true, in some way," Callum scratches at his neck, not wanting to meet Ben's eyes again. It's too much. "I need to know what I really feel."

Ben lifts his focus to Callum's face, pausing, wondering if he means what he said in the club, that he can't get him out of his head.

He's hurting, not just his bruised hand, and Ben sighs as he resumes rolling the bandage around his hand. 

"I said things I shouldn't have," admits Ben, taking the scissors and cutting the excess. "I'm drunk, and I should've just asked you to leave."

"Well, I was quite determined," chuckles Callum. "So, I guess that's my bad, too"

"Still, I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I could see how much you were hurting and I — I just carried on." Ben's thumb moves gently again, over Callum's thumb that thankfully isn't that bruised. "Whitney left you in the dust and you wanna' be good for her. Nothing wrong with wanting to be good for someone. Well, shit — there aren't many people like that in this world left. I know I ain't one."

Placing the scissors aside, Ben takes a deep breath. There's nothing keeping Ben from letting go and sending Callum home like he said he would.

But he can't. He holds on. Holds _Callum._

Ben frowns, looking down to their hands, eyes scanning over the bruising that spreads outside of the bandage.

Without thinking, Ben brings his other hand to Callum's bandaged one, holding it gently like he's something precious, unattainable. Callum stares at how Ben looks guilty, stricken with the consequences he's caused. Not even the soft movements of fingertips over knuckles seems to calm him, but it calms Callum.

"What are you going to say to Whitney?" Ben asks, curious but also desperate to hear whatever his wild mind intends to hear. It's selfish. Ben's selfish.

But Callum doesn't reply, and the silence between them becomes peace. It's not heavy, not when Ben checks on him to see Callum focused on their hands, Ben's thumb still moving over his.

He tries something, stopping that comforting movement, and only then does Callum blink out of whatever trance he was in. An exhale rocks Callum's lungs, and Ben resumes the comforting brushes of his thumb once more.

Callum's eyes fill up, and he has to blink multiple times to will the moisture away, sniffing and dipping his head when he realises Ben is staring.

"Don't know," breathes Callum, lungs thin, already worried about the conflict ahead of him. He'll have to face her, salvage the relationship or salvage whatever he can.

Even if he doesn't love her, he doesn't want to lose her. There's always time to fall in love.

"I'm a text away," says Ben, soft. "Might not have seemed helpful tonight, but, I can try. _And_ I can wrap bandages pretty well."

Nodding down to Callum's hand, Ben's heart warms to the way he chuckles.

"I don't plan to do that again," says Callum.

"Good start."

Callum agrees, somewhat, choosing not to say anything. Ben doesn't either, looking back down to his hands, thumb moving to the pulse point on his wrist.

And then he looks up, focusing entirely on Callum, and _waits._

When Callum meets him a minute later, Ben is speaking through his eyes, searching over Callum's face.

Ben's silently asking permission, and Callum's not sure why he is. He's not even sure what he's asking, but Callum just smiles gently.

Trust. Trust he shouldn't be giving him.

Ben pauses for a moment, looking at where their hands make contact. He glances to Callum once more, gently gripping Callum's hand more than he was before, slowly bringing it towards his lips, closing his eyes as he presses a sweet, barely there kiss to Callum's hand, pressing his lips a little more when Callum doesn't flinch away.

He's gentle, more than Callum thought he would be, Ben brushing his thumb over the edge where the bandage stops and skin starts.

When Ben pulls back, he keeps his lips close, breathing out with the nerves he didn't know he had. Callum feels that very exhale rolling over the exposed skin of his hand.

"Don't hurt yourself for the sake of others, Callum," Ben opens his eyes to meet him, noticing the single tear that falls down Callum's cheek, and Ben's heart tightens. "Chase your own happiness, not theirs."

If only it were that easy, simpler to say than do, Callum would've done it by now.

But with the way Ben's looking at him, wonder in his eyes, a glint of guilt because he's the cause of this whole ordeal — maybe he's right.

Frankly, it's always been there — _happiness —_ hidden and labelled with fear because that's what he's learned from his father, friends and strangers on the street.

Ben believes in him, and Callum can understand that in the way Ben still holds his hand, lingering near his lips.

_He'll wait._

"Sofa is yours," and like that, the silence is broken, Callum left speechless as Ben reluctantly lets go of his hand. Skin brushing skin until there's nothing left. "That's if — you want to stay."

Callum _does_ want to stay, but it's not exactly clever when part of him wants to hold his hand again, to be in that moment of comfort again.

That kiss, the gentle press of Ben's lips, how his face fell to something rare and gentle. Ben looked almost as broken as Callum feels. And if he moves from this spot, the moment itself will become a memory. Something of the past.

He doesn't want it to be a memory, he wants to live in it — _b_ _reathe in it._ Callum wants to exist without the weight of the future on his shoulders.

Ben's hold is warm, strong, and Callum just wants it back, wants to fall into it so the cold doesn't call him home anymore.

He can't. He's dating Whitney, devoted to her to a certain extent, and being here with Ben is way too much temptation to handle.

If he stays, he'll fall.

"I should head home," Callum says, softly, the silence of the house rather calming now instead of worrying when they first got here. "Pip will be wondering where I am."

Ben laughs a little, smile on his lips that Callum moves his head up slowly to see. 

_God,_ he wants to see that again. It fades away too quickly.

"Understandable," Ben replies, standing up from the chair and walking past Callum to reach for his phone.

Callum remains where he is, bruised hand on his lap, moving his thumb over where Ben brushed it himself, wishing it would happen again.

It's bad to compare, but he's never felt that. At least not in the same way, a comfort so small and effortless, yet feeling like his entire body has been touched the same way. Callum feels warm, safe, and somewhat nervous with what the next day might hold.

He'll see Ben again, seeing as it's Sunday tomorrow, and that's what makes Callum smile. 

Instead of panicking at the thought of seeing him, wanting to hide, hoping to just see glances of him, Callum knows willingly that he wants him to be there. He wants to be able to look at Ben without fear, and even though it's still there, the first step is always good, always guaranteed to be a little rocky.

Maybe he can have something, something he's always dearly wanted in that book he read as a kid, the two little birds, something that's remained as a dream he's never let himself see.

Ben's voice appears beside him, and Callum stands, clutching at his hand and holding it. When Ben notices he's got up, Ben sends a small, private smile his way, fingers on the kitchen counter and tapping nervously.

"Yeah, just for one, please," Ben says into the phone, turning and leaning his back against the counter. "Yeah, cheers."

The beep of the call ending sends a chill through Callum. Now they'll have to wait in silence again, and Ben scratches at his stubble to hear _something_ in the silence of it all.

Callum just looks at him, stuck between stepping forward and running away entirely, delicately walking on a thin piece of string, wondering which way Ben is going to lean him towards next.

It all feels dangerous, daring. But not in a bad way.

Ben's keeping his distance, remembering how he felt Callum's body unwind when he kissed his knuckles, just once, but enough to make Callum bleed all of the tension of tonight from his bones.

And looking up to Callum, meeting his tired eyes, he wants to do it again, to kiss away all of the fears and cold Callum has walled around his heart to protect himself.

He's capable of love, Ben, but there's no possible way he can love Callum. They started too broken, too different, and even now, Ben almost broke Callum's hand with his very own words, pushing him too far pastbreaking point. Callum isn't an angry guy, and he doesn't want to be angry at all.

Callum wants to be good, Ben can see that now, not just doing it for the sake of keeping appearances. Ben needs that, someone good, but he doesn't deserve someone bad and bruised — someone like Ben. They'll always find someone better.

But _god,_ does Ben hope, looking away because he can't bare to see Callum look at him like that anymore, lost yet found, eyes pleading for something he can't bare to say.

Maybe Callum will be good for him, healing his wounds and comforting the deeper ones. Perhaps it's futile, to believe in that, to hope a man he's already broken once to return the favour and heal him.

Callum shuffles forward, and Ben can see his feet moving closer from where he looks to the floor, throat tight as he swallows.

He just stands there, closer, wanting to be near, and when Ben looks up, Callum is smiling down at him, a question on his lips that Ben can read easily. He's said it silently to someone else before.

_Will you wait?_

Ben doesn't know if he will, but when the taxi horn blares outside, and Callum has to leave, Ben thinks he will.

He'll wait for him to figure it out, take what he can get, even if it's just a smile and occasional fleeting touches here and there.

Ben will take anything, as long as it's Callum. But he can't, at the same time.

Even as he watches the cab leave, he can still feel the ghost of Callum's hand in his own, warm and bigger than the size of Ben's.

He brings one hand up, kisses the back of it and realises that he's _gone._ Ben won't see him again until tomorrow, but the promise of that tomorrow is what helps Ben sleep, even though there's wild waves of thoughts and mini wishes he sends out into the darkness and loneliness of his room.

One day, he'll feel the warmth of the sunrise, the way it'll wrap over his shoulders and gently coax him awake.

Right now, as his alarm sounds the next morning, it feels relatively empty, cold and just — _there._ Nothing special to it, because when he turns over, there's no one to _keep_ him warm, and the sun mocks him for it since Ben can only find warmth in something light years away.

One day he'll find it, pulling the empty pillow beside him closer, squeezing it between his fingers.

He'll find it one day, warmth, no longer relying on the sun for it. And for a second, when Ben closes his eyes, the silence of the room paints what he wants as he dreams, tossing and turning even though it hurts to think about it regardless of what the future might entail.

He's used to it, pain. Ben has seen and felt enough of it for it to be there, permanently. But besides Lexi and his closest friends, a family he made on his own, there's an extra piece that's slowly weaving itself into the guarded and wounded space that he calls his heart, unexpected.

And for once, Ben wishes, _hoping_ that fate will allow this one thing even though he knows he doesn't deserve it. He's selfish, he's _Ben._

He can't get Callum out of his head.


	9. hearts never heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanna say a huge thank you, to everyone. You guys are giving me so much motivation to keep writing this, it really is so fun to do and getting so much love for it is a bonus
> 
> Just want to place a trigger warning - callum talks about his PTSD in this chapter, and if that isnt good for you right now, then please be wary of the second scene, i always split scenes up with the - - -
> 
> <3

It's hard to sleep, especially when your mind is brimming with questions, emotions and _what ifs_ that drive Callum almost to the brink of pulling his hair out.

Pip is laying beside him, sleeping, her floppy ear twitching as she dreams. Callum is envious of her, but having Pip near keeps him calm, that maybe there's a reason for all of this.

He looks down, bringing his bandaged hand upwards so he can see, moving his thumb and testing his fingers. They're fine, but what's _not fine_ is how much the image of Ben kissing his knuckles replays itself. Over and over again, like clockwork to the point where Callum thinks about wanting it to happen again.

Perhaps it will, one day, but the thought quickly fades when he realises what that would entail. It's too dangerous, too _new_ for him to start thinking about. But Callum's mind doesn't stop, focusing on Ben's face when it plays again, and Callum is just left daydreaming, bringing his other hand to the bandaged one and holding it.

His hands are too big, nothing like Ben's.

It's almost 5AM now, and when Pip wakes up she'll be expecting her walk, and Callum is too exhausted to even think about getting up. He'll probably go, considering it's time he enjoys to himself, space to think and breathe without the noise of a town or city. A break in the seemingly never ending tumble of life, and Callum is thankful for just a second of it.

But Ben, he knows he'll occupy his thoughts, hand pulsing as a reminder of what happened. He can still feel it, the ghost of that kiss, the way every part of Callum leaned forward a little, accepting, _wanting_ to accept it.

He can't, though. He's too scared, too frail at the edges to even comprehend asking for it, to take Ben's hand and return the favour. Maybe Ben would want that, looking at Callum with the same adoration he held that night, wanting to pull him closer and just — _hold._

Callum groans, moving one arm to cover his eyes as he allows his bandaged hand to rest on his stomach. It's warm there, and for a fleeting moment his mind paints Ben's hand to replace it, and Callum has to breathe in deep, shaky on the exit.

There's no ignoring it, not when he can face it head on and know someone is out there to catch him. Ben seems like the person that would do that, showing emotion only when it's necessary, for whatever cause. That's what happened last night, a wild shadow in public and _just_ _Ben_ in the comfort of his own home, in the comfort of _Callum._

Callum's phone is on silent, but he notices a dim light illuminating his bedside table. His head turns towards it, frowning. No one would be texting him this early, especially not on a Sunday.

Curious, he pushes himself up to lean on his elbow, reaching for the phone and tilting the screen up to read it.

_1 NEW MESSAGE, BEN_

There's no other way to describe it, the tingling, fingers moving to grip the phone entirely. It's so early in the morning, and that worries Callum a little, because if it wasn't important, then surely Ben would've waited until reasonable social hours.

Squinting, Callum brings the phone closer so he can unlock it, screen too bright until he adjusts the setting. 

_[Ben, 4:55am]: How's your hand?_

Definitely a morning text, but why did Ben feel the need to send it now? Or is it Ben's guilt, pushing Callum to breaking point in his club?

Either way, it's his conscious weighing on him to ask or general concern for his friend. Callum's not even sure if they _are_ friends, the word thrown about like confetti as if it means something but not having any weight to it. 

It might mean absolutely nothing to Ben, but to Callum it's the difference between a good day and a bad day, having that friend to rely on in a time of need.

But the text, Callum can't stop reading it over and over, wondering what to reply. Of course, he should just say how he's doing, but he feels there's something more to this, hidden between the pixels on a screen.

Maybe he's just overthinking it.

_[Callum, 5:00AM]: More bruised than anything else. Can still move it a bit._

Almost immediately, the message Callum sends back is read by Ben, and it's not long before another comes through.

_[Ben]: Why are you awake?_

_[Callum]: I could say the same for you._

_[Ben]: My alarm goes off at this time, early preparation for tonight._

_[Callum]: That's super early though, why?_

_[Ben]: Well I do lay in bed for another 30 minutes before I get up._

_[Ben]: Also, you're really slow at texting, mate._

_[Callum]: Hard to type with one thm_

_[Callum]: Thymb*_

_[Callum]: Thumb*_

_[Callum]: See?_

If only Callum was near Ben, because he'd hear him laughing, smiling as he adjusts his head on his pillow, texting Callum back before he can change his mind.

_[Ben]: Can I call you then?_

Callum blanks. He keeps forgetting Ben is so forward, usually not checking his words before they're spoken.

But ringing Callum? Just to make it easier on his hand? That's got to mean something, especially for a guy like Ben to reach out more than he usually does for the sake of someone else.

Plus, they can always continue this later when the sun is finally above the horizon and not when the square is still under covers. Well, except for the early risers on a Sunday.

Ben wants to ring Callum now, to save him from embarrassing mistakes because one of his hands is black and blue. It feels strange, nerves settling in his stomach, the need that puppets his fingers as Callum texts Ben back, short and sweet; _sure._

His phone goes black a minute later, _incoming call_ appearing and the small, anonymous default icon of Ben appearing under his name. If anything, it's a metaphor for how little he actually knows Ben, but Callum is slowly allowing him to enter his life.

 _"Hey,"_ is the first thing Callum hears, Ben's voice a little rough from the early hours. _"Should probably say good morning."_

"Probably? Who gets up this early on a Sunday?" Callum closes his eyes, allowing Ben's voice to become the focus of his world.

_"Dunno. My one night stands when I kick them out?"_

Callum is suddenly taken back to the Sunday he first rang Ben, the weekend they first met and the wild ride of their first impressions. He remembers hearing another voice, Ben talking to them away from the speaker of his phone. 

And he remembers the same sickly, cold sensation he did back then.

"None today then?" asks Callum, considering he hasn't heard any other voices, and before he even realises what he's just asked, Ben is answering back.

 _"Nah, too tired. Pulled some guy who nearly broke his hand,"_ Ben chuckles, hiding the real reason. _"Wanted a quiet night anyway."_

Ben doesn't tell Callum he's been thinking of him all night, wondering about him and stupidly wishing on some star that turned out to be an aeroplane when he looked again. The only reason he didn't go back out is because if he did, he'd be looking for an excuse not to go back home.

Because back home there's his couch, the memory of Callum sat there, the way Ben couldn't stop himself from kissing his hand, wanting to show Callum that nothing is frightening, that he can accept himself and people _will_ _help_ without the pain of bruises.

"Unlucky," says Callum, not sure if he sounds sarcastic. "Maybe next Saturday?"

 _"Perhaps tonight,"_ sighs Ben, the muffled movements of him rustling through the phone. _"Always some good looking men at the events. Might see if I can skip the main event for the actual one."_

Callum laughs, and Ben seems to chuckle with him, "How are you this awake? I'm struggling to think of words to say."

_"Make you speechless, do I?"_

"Alright, calm down. No need to pick on me, I'm already down for the count," Callum starts playing with the fabric of his duvet, opening his eyes to the ceiling.

_"What, you mean boxing mirrors? Not a smart choice, and it's not picking on you, it's teasing."_

Trust Ben to make light of a tough situation, and at the mention of Callum throwing his fist into a mirror, his arm feels a little numb. It could be worse, after all, since Ben could've just laughed at him, ignored him and pretended it never happened to save both of them.

But he's comfortably talking about it, trying to make Callum see a lighter side to it now the storm is over. Granted, there's still more to come, but whisking _it'll get better_ to Callum will help no one. No one ever knows when it'll get better, and planting false hope at the beginning of a long journey is sure to poison progress.

Always reaching for that better time, trying to force it only to fall back down; he doesn't want that for Callum. He doesn't want this seemingly innocent guy that Ben dragged by the ankles into his life to suffer the same pain he did. Frankly, no one does.

"Teasing? Alright, if that's what you call it." says Callum.

There's silence for a minute, slight tension, unsure what to say. 

_"Why are you awake, Callum?"_ asks Ben, gripping the phone as if it's going to give him the answer he wants if he thinks about it hard enough.

"Can't sleep. Think it's my hand," but Callum misses out the rest; _can't stop thinking about you._

 _"Did you change the bandage?"_ Ben seems unusually quiet. Maybe he really is tired.

"No, didn't feel the need to. Didn't wanna' ruin what you'd done."

Ben sighs on the other end, _"I did it drunk… it's probably too tight and it's been a few hours. You should change it when you get up."_

"I will, don't worry," Callum smiles to himself, wondering if Ben is smiling too. _He is._ "Plus… I'm thinking about Whit."

Another beat of silence, one that Callum knows is completely because of Ben. His distaste for her is a little obvious, but once again, Callum isn't aware of what dominos fall where in their history. Perhaps he should ask Mick about it, seeing as the landlord of the Vic has been alive longer than he has.

 _"You speaking to her today?"_ Ben finally says, no other noise rustling through.

"She won't answer my texts," Callum remembers texting her last night, the string of apologies and that he'll explain everything. She's read them, but chose not to reply. "Think I might have to go to her this time."

 _"Ah, so that's why you can't sleep,"_ sighs Ben, not giving Callum a chance to say differently. _"Gonna' try and salvage it?"_

"No, that's not — that's not the reason," Callum wants to say the real reason, but the nerves that wrap around his tongue _don't._ "And I don't know. I love her."

 _"Not in the way she wants you to, though,"_ Ben adds, closing his eyes and brushing a hand through his hair. _"You don't have to apologise to her, you know? Realising what you are, that's not an excuse for her to act that way."_

 _"Ben,"_ whispers Callum, gritting his teeth, hand throbbing. "I — I don't know what I am," he says, followed by a shaky exhale, one Ben can hear clearly. "I only know that I love her, and I don't wanna' lose her."

 _"Right,"_ Ben doesn't seem too happy about that, but he keeps his cool either way. It's a confusing time for him, and Ben is more than aware of how much time it can take, and even then it's different for everyone. _"Good luck with that. Remember what I said."_

_Just a text away._

Callum smiles, looking down at his bruised hand, "Yeah, I know."

_Chase your own happiness._

_"Well, sunshine. I gotta' get ready for race day. You text me if you need me, yeah?"_ Ben suddenly sounds wide awake, facade kicking in.

"Yeah," Callum feels just right, safe in the warmth of his own bed and the voice of Ben. It seems silly, but a small peace like this is so hard to come by. "I will."

They say their goodbyes, and when Callum presses _end call,_ he wishes he didn't. He does notice that Ben waits for him to do it, seconds ticking up on the screen for how long they've been speaking for.

He's smiling from ear to ear, and Callum feels more confident with going to see Whitney today.

There's a loud yawn next to him on the bed, and Callum turns his head to see Pip wide awake, both ears perked up. She's wagging her tail, staring at him like she's caught Callum doting about his high school crush offering him a pen in class.

Callum just snorts, nudging her, "What are _you_ smiling at?"

\- - -

Honestly, his determination has drained since leaving his house. The five minute walk to Whitney's house is slowly becoming a mental strain.

The thought of it all being over, running out of patience with himself because he can't understand how to explain his feelings; it makes every step feel like he's walking on ice. 

Taking a deep breath, Callum quickens his steps so that the worst of it is over, mostly the anticipation and the anxiety of what's going to happen.

Knocking on her door, Callum waits, breathing deep again and staring forward so he doesn't miss anything. If Whitney opens the door, takes one look at him and shuts it again, Callum is going to be out of options.

There's a click, and then the door opens to Whitney, hair up and dressed comfy. She meets his eyes, but looks away when Callum parts his lips to speak.

Callum manages to place his hand on the door before Whitney manages to shut it, "Whit, please."

"I don't have to talk to you, Callum. You lied to me," she tries to shut it again, but there's no effort in her push. Callum doesn't let up either.

"I didn't," his voice breaks, looking down at his feet before meeting her eyes again. "Please, I just want to explain."

Whitney gives him a second, then another, watching how his face looks so morphed by pain. Her eyes move, glancing down to the bandaged hand, swallows and then opens the door to let him in.

She doesn't say anything, but the open door is an invitation, and Callum steps through after nodding, hands still in his pockets and sighing at the relief of a warm home.

It's not his, not anymore, considering in the early months of their relationship they hopped from one house to another. Now, Whitney's house feels awfully small, walls closing in and pushing him towards the door again. 

Then again, that could be his mental state, not the place he's in.

Callum hovers in the hallway, not wanting to walk somewhere he isn't meant to, and waits for Whitney to lock back up. She walks back into the living room, Callum following like a lost puppy.

She stands there in the middle, arms crossed and Callum feels as if he's in detention, but the wolves are creeping up on him. He's going to have to tell her everything, how he feels, what he's experiencing and how _lost_ and _isolated_ Callum is inside his own mind.

He sits down on one of the sofas because standing makes him feel dizzy. Callum leans forward, hunched over, hands clasped together on his knee as Whitney waits for him to speak up.

Where does he even start? _How_ does he start?

Callum chances a glance at Whitney, and the anger that was once stone cold on her face has simmered, but it's still very much there.

"Well?" Is all she says when the silence drags on too long.

He takes a deep breath, fills his lungs only to deplete them, burning his throat. There's pain already, lingering and cold.

"I don't know," he says, stuttering. "I don't know where to start."

Whitney just scoffs at him, pushing her hands to her face, "Callum, I don't have time for this."

Callum looks to the floor, notices the detail of the carpet and then starts speaking.

"Ben," saying his name is like a secret he shouldn't have spoken, "I met him the morning we came back from that club."

 _"He_ doesn't live here anymore," the venom in her voice when she says it makes Callum nervous. This isn't going to be easy, and frankly, nothing really has been.

Well, except yesterday with Ben and Lexi at that park. _That_ was easy — _normal._ This is like waking up and realising you're not in the bed you slept in last night, completely unsettling, uncomfortable.

"He told me that," Callum continues despite another scoff from Whitney, "Must've been in trouble, because he bumped into me and stole my car not long after I said goodnight to you."

Whitney's jaw drops, making a sound that cuts off before stepping forward, _"What?_ What do you mean he _stole it?"_

"I jumped in it with him, thinking if I did he'd get back out and I'd be fine. Well, I wasn't really thinking, and it didn't even work because I ended up getting a taxi back here," Callum shrugs, shaking his head. "I was so caught up on him that I left my phone in that car, and the next I saw of him was in the Vic. He gave me keys to blue, said sorry in his own way and that's it."

Callum looks up to Whitney, expecting smiles, but it's foolish. She looks like she's seen a ghost.

"That's where the car came from. Ben felt guilty, I guess. Offered the new one to me for saving him," Callum won't talk about the _deal_ part, but it's futile.

"Not without a catch, right?"

"What?"

Whitney sighs, spreads her arms wide before letting them drop, "He's _Ben Mitchell,_ Callum. He doesn't give you things for free without something in return."

"He just uses it every Sunday night, that's all," and Whitney doesn't look as if she believes him. "I swear, Whit. That's all it is."

"And what about that morning you told me to leave you alone?" 

Ah, _shit._ He can either say the full truth or part of it, and Callum thinks there's no real reason to explain the part about Ben.

He'll just have to face his demons head on.

"I told you about me being in the army, right?" and Whitney just nods at him, a little cautious now. "Well, I have… things that happen because of it. Sleepless nights, loud noises that set me into panic, dark nights making me feel isolated," there's a shiver in his voice, the pain of talking about it enough to constrict his lungs. His lips part multiple times as if he's mumbling something, testing the words on his tongue that feel so sharp, "I — I have PTSD, Whit."

Admitting it to someone feels a whole lot worse than actually feeling it, because the more people that know means it's _true._

"I'm sorry I never told you. Sometimes I just can't talk about it, it scares me. It really fucking scares me and I'd rather not have to face it if I can," Callum rubs his fingers through his hair again, knee bouncing. "That morning I came back, I had a panic attack the night before. I was with Ben — and I, uh, slept on his couch and came home the morning I woke up."

"He did that to you?" 

"No! No, he didn't," technically he did, but Callum doesn't put the blame on Ben. "Please, it was just me. We were going for a drive and I didn't expect it."

Whitney is silent now, face blank, arms folding, but no longer defensive as Callum speaks up again, throat feeling tight.

"I was scared, I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to say anything to you because I was worried about what you might say. No one knows except Mick, and I didn't even tell him, he just — _knew."_

She starts walking towards Callum, watching as Callum becomes more and more unsettled, standing in front of him as Callum dips his head. He can't look at her. He feels weak.

Callum has to keep going. If he stops now, he'll break when he eventually can't hold the pain any longer.

"I have counselling sessions, a group talk I have every other month, but it — it _never goes away._ It haunts me to the point where I can smell the places I used to be out there, feel sand on my fingers and the echo of all those noises," Callum breathes in, and it feels as if he's inhaling sand. "I just wanna' be good for you, Whit, and I can't do that when I can barely hold myself together."

Callum is doing the impossible, shoulders pushed together and sinking in on himself. For a guy as tall as him, he looks _so small, so vulnerable._

She's kneeling down, now, hands reaching up to hold Callum's head, the stubble rough against the soft skin of her hand. Callum doesn't want her to see him like this, and so he refuses to lift his head when Whitney tries, gritting his teeth, jaw clenched. 

He's hurting, so much so that he's exhausting himself, muscles tight to try and keep himself from crying, eyes welling up.

"I can't get them out of my head, Whit. The _noises,"_ he exhales, turns away a little when he has to clench his jaw again. "I hear their voices all the time, the ones I didn't save, the people I knew that weren't as lucky as me."

Whitney brushes her thumbs over Callum's cheek, giving him time to talk. If he needs to let it out, their relationship comes second. She's never seen him this broken, so unsure, like a stranger in his own body.

"I can't sleep sometimes, worried I'm gonna' wake up and be back there. Whit, _please,_ I swear to you I wouldn't hide this from you to hurt you, I've just — I never know how to handle it," and it's at this point he looks up, eyes red and sore from the salt. "I'm _scared_ of losing you over this."

Whitney's face falls, but there's still a question sitting on her tongue, one she _needs_ to ask. It's been bothering her ever since that night, and Callum giving her an option to ask is one she'll take.

"In what way, Callum?"

The shaking Whitney felt before stops, only occurring when Callum needs to let himself breathe. It's not hard to think back to Ben at this point, remembering what he said this morning, how much those words made him feel like the world is cold and he can't get warm again.

_Not in the way she wants you to._

It's happening whether Callum wants it to or not, and the reality of that makes Callum feel heavy, crumbling.

He doesn't know what he is, _who he is,_ but all he does know is that there's something eating away inside of him, making him feel sick to his stomach at the thought of letting it loose.

Callum can't look Whitney in the eye, not when he says it, _"I love you,_ Whit."

"You couldn't even tell me this, Callum, something that's been hurting you," she tries to meet his eyes, but Callum forces them shut. "You couldn't even tell me about Ben."

"He told me you have history," Callum sniffs, clenching his fists, pushing his fingers into his palm to stop some of the pain in his chest, directing it elsewhere.

"And you could've asked me," she brushes her thumb again. "I like you too, Callum, but I don't think you love me."

Callum bolts his head up, bringing his hands up to hold Whitney's, unsure what he'll do when the only love he knows isn't there anymore. "No, I do. _Please,"_ he desperately brings her hands to his lips, and that's a bad idea.

The image of Ben comes back, the bruise on his hand starting to throb. That kiss, it feels like he can escape the pain for a moment in time, but it's not because of the kiss he gives Whitney's knuckles.

It's the picture of Ben, how his eyes speak so much even in a memory, but Callum can't even hear it.

He wants to. He wants to understand.

"Is this from last night?" Whitney doesn't point anywhere since Callum has her hands, but she's looking at the bandage over his knuckles, eyes welling up.

She knows it. She's lost Callum.

"Yeah," he says, bottom lip trembling. "I went to speak to him, ask why you hate him."

Callum feels Whitney pulling her hands away, and Callum's never felt colder when they do leave his own. It just confirms what she thought, that Callum decided to go towards Ben and not Whitney, wanting to know from him instead of his own girlfriend.

"He — he didn't say anything. Just irked me and said all these things until I lost it," Callum looks down to the bandaged hand, wondering how evil and broken it must look to Whitney, yet to Callum, it reminds him that Ben is capable of caring — of _healing._ There's so much to Ben, holes in his sweater to reach the real Ben underneath, and Callum saw and felt a _glimpse_ of that last night.

"What did he say?"

Callum bites his tongue, sighs.

Images flood back, the bass of the music in his ears, Ben's grin bold and warm, the words he said rolling like hot metal over his chest. 

"He was talking about you," Callum replies, quiet and towards the floor. "How you're a safety net for me, that I don't really love you."

The weight on his shoulders is becoming more and more unbearable, his conscious pushing and _pushing_ until it feels like he's going to break. His eyes feel so sore, burning from how much he's forcing tears back.

"You went to him and not to me," she says, a little sour in her words. "When I came back from getting the drinks you were looking at him like — I don't even know. But you were looking back, and he wouldn't stop looking at you, even when I was at the door to _leave."_

Callum feels it, hounds sinking their teeth in, the pull at his spine because he just wants to _disappear,_ to let himself be swallowed whole, because that way emotions can't use him as a pin cushion anymore.

But Whitney is there, nailing home words to his chest that he's clawed away for 24 years of his life.

"Are — are you _gay,_ Callum?"

They've never gone away, those words, inking his skin with a horrible burn, heart weak from the amount of years that's gone by ignoring it. Hearing it brings them all back, boiling to the surface, skin _itching._

He wants to leave. He needs to leave.

His thoughts are so loud, a war between denial and acceptance, neither side clear or welcoming because they both wait to wrap chains around him. From what his Dad used to say, the news you hear on tv, the stories that never end happy; Callum fears it'll be the same for him.

_It scares him._

Callum glances up to Whitney, slowly, tear falling down his cheek, making his skin tight and cold. She's crying too, hand over her mouth as Callum _breaks._

The walls he held up so proud, mismatched layers built quickly to save him from close calls and his own desperate cry for happiness voided by fear — they're crumbling. His lungs twist, squeeze themselves until Callum can't breathe.

And then they snap, and Callum _cries._

Whitney is at his feet in seconds, arms around his shoulders, body jolting as he sobs. Callum clings to the back of her shirt after a few seconds, wanting to feel safety from how much fear makes him think he's drowning, and his tears soak the shirt at her shoulder.

But Whitney doesn't care. He's told her the truth, but it's at the cost of revealing something he's afraid of, a truth dug so deep that once revealed leaves an open wound.

 _"I'm sorry,"_ is all Whitney can hear, chanted over and over again like somehow it'll fix everything.

They both know it won't, and as time drags on, Callum becomes heavier, exhausted, poisoned by a truth that should feel great but _he_ _can't_ _stop crying._

It feels like he never will.

\- - -

_1 WEEK LATER_

"Fucking traffic," sighs Ben, tapping the steering wheel as he waits for every next person in line to move forward.

It's Sunday again, and it brings back the vivid image of Callum handing him the keys through a partially open door, eyes red raw, a shake in his hands and the inability to look Ben in the eye.

He would've asked, texted him to talk, but Ben has a feeling that he knows what it is. Even if it isn't, Ben won't push. Just because he's his friend doesn't give him free access to stick his nose in and meddle in his business unless he asks.

But as the days went on into the next week, Ben kept glancing at his phone, pulling it out of his pocket to check and see if he's missed any messages. Callum hasn't texted all week, not even in reply to the ones he sent about Lexi.

_[Ben, Sunday, 20:45pm]: You alright sunshine? You talk to Whit?_

_[Ben, Monday, 14:17pm]: Lexi is asking about Pip, if you have any recent photos of her can you send them my way? Cheers mate_

_[Ben, Wednesday, 11:08am]: You lost your phone again? Text me back when you get this._

_[Ben, Friday, 21:09pm]: I'm not gonna ask or come to your house, but if something's up, you can talk to me, you know that right?]_

_[Ben, Friday, 23:12pm]: I'm worried about you. Please text me back buddy._

The last one got desperate, two in one day. He couldn't stop thinking about him, not when Callum, the guy who usually jumps at the chance to talk about his best friend Pip is completely silent. 

He sighs, head back against the seat of the car, humming to the tune coming from the radio as he manages to get a bit more distance under his wheels.

Ten minutes later, Ben arrives at the garage not far from his own house. Peter is already there, leaning over and inspecting the engine of his own car, resettling some of the wires and cleaning up. Usual maintenance. Jay's car is there, too, but he's nowhere to be seen.

As Ben steps out, the music in his car blurs to the one Peter has in the garage, a suitably large building that holds up to 4 cars inside at a time. It's peaceful looking, flowers dotted around and clean brick walls, not exactly the place you'd paint for a building that tunes up metal beasts.

He closes the door of his car and starts walking towards Peter, checking his phone one more time to see no reply. Ben grunts, knowing that if Callum never replies, Ben will be left with an echoing doubt that he's ruined another perfectly good man.

"Where 'ave you been?" Peter says, turning partly towards Ben, wiping a cloth over his hands.

"Traffic, they're diverting it for some reason," he reaches Peter's side, looking down into the engine. "You're here early as always."

"Well, I got my ass kicked last week," grins Peter, and Ben just laughs, a friendly competition the three of them have on their way back home after a night of straight wins.

"You know that's not the main race, right? It's not my fault you can't handle a bit of country," Ben shrugs, leaving Peter to shake his head at him.

"Alright boss, don't kick me while I'm down," he leans back under the hood, checking everything is in order before he's taking away the support and clicking the hood shut.

Peter does notice how _off_ Ben seems to be. Usually he's here earlier, already checking under the hood and bullying Jay about how weird he shifts his gears. But there's nothing like that today, Ben wandering around and picking up tools just to place them back down.

"Rough night?" Peter asks, glancing at Ben as he walks around to the driver's side, opening the door to sit inside.

Ben looks back at him because of the question, but Peter's already focused back on his car, sitting sideways with the door open and legs out. It's only when he goes to ignite the engine does Peter turn to check on him, "Well?"

"Didn't really have a night," Ben says, hands in his pockets as he leans against a table.

"Was he that bad?" Peter is used to his habits, turning back to the inside of his car to switch the ignition on. Peter's car growls to life, and he places a foot on the accelerator to rev it a little.

Sounds just right.

But Peter's words stick with Ben, looking out to his own car, the lack of Callum's next to it like they were at the park last week. It fills him with longing, and it reminds him of last night, how he went to his own club and came back with empty hands.

Usually he'd wake up on a Sunday with a warm body behind him, or warm sheets if they aren't clingy enough to stay. 

Ben dips his head, sighs and wishes he wasn't so hung up on a guy that probably fixed his relationship with his girl and decided to boot Ben out of his life. They'll keep appearances for Lexi, keep their deal, but considering Callum couldn't even respond about Pip, perhaps it's over.

They're separated, their worlds too different.

"Oi," Peter says, having already stepped back out, engine off, staring at Ben with his arms crossed. "Don't tell me you got attached to one."

"Nothing like that," Ben replies, curling his tongue before speaking again. "Just worried about a mate."

"A _mate_ mate or?" Peter shrugs, knowing how hard it is to get Ben to open up, but if there's any chance he'll talk about it, Peter will take it.

They're all family, after all.

"Remember when I told you about that old car? And you used it for parts?"

Peter squints, not sure what this has to do with anything, "Yeah? It's still in the back. Got a few bolts missing but that's it. Practically a rust bucket which is a shame. Why?"

"My mate is the guy who owns it," Ben takes a small look at Peter, sees him deducting what he's said. He probably still thinks he hooked up with him.

"Alright, so," Peter puts one hand through his hair, thinking for a second. "You're telling me the guy you met that night, and the car that _wasn't_ given to you, is now your mate?"

"Yeah."

Peter starts smiling, "You've got to be fucking with me, there's no way."

Ben stands up, heading back towards his car, "He's a nice guy. Turns out we actually have a lot in common."

"Which part? The snarky comments or the fact you're small?" Peter hides a laugh when Ben glares back to him, and he starts laughing for real when Ben points at him.

"I was gonna' go easy on you tonight, but for that comment, if your car breaks down you can walk home." It's casual conversation, and Ben is smiling when he turns back around to his car, but it fades almost as quick as he can blink.

His phone pings in his pocket.

 _Please be Callum_ repeats over and over inside his head until he's face to face with the phone.

_[Callum, 13:06pm]: i could really use a friend right now_

Ben brings his other hand up to hold the phone, unsteady, reading the words again, expecting the pixels of Callum's name to forge and blink to something else entirely, a different name that he would've preferred to be Callum's.

But it doesn't change. It's Callum, reaching out because he's ready to talk, or he's just in need of company that Pip can't give him.

Ben texts back, not noticing how Peter watches him from inside the garage, a small smile on his face. _Liar._

"Change of plans blondie," Ben turns around, pointing his thumb towards his own car. "I'll see you tonight, gotta' be somewhere."

Peter doesn't say anything back, only watching him drive away with more speed than what he came here with. He just smiles, shaking his head before going back to making changes on his car.

"Fool me all you want, Ben," he says to himself, picking up a wrench and popping the hood again. 

\- - -

It's another thirty minutes until Ben arrives at Callum's house, parking in front of the blue car that rests at the side of the pathway.

Ben is reluctant to step out, considering in his haste to get here, he hasn't really thought about what this might entail. Callum could tell him he wants nothing to do with him anymore, disguising the text as something friendly just so he turns up as Ben promised he would.

He's thinking too hard about this. Callum isn't that type of guy, he's _good,_ a guy that wants the best for people at the cost of his own wellbeing sometimes. And just thinking of that, Ben wonders if he's done it for Whitney, sacrificing another light at the end of the tunnel for the sake of keeping her happy, to not let anyone down.

As Ben climbs the steps, he realises how much their roles have reversed. In the early days, it was Ben chasing after Callum to flick his ears and annoy him, and now, it's Ben chasing after Callum because he's desperate to keep him around.

For what, he's not sure, but Ben always ignores the good in favour of the bad, to save himself the guilt of rotting something perfectly in bloom.

But Callum's face, it's not what Ben expects to see.

When the light of the day passes by the door, Callum is standing there, shoulders fallen, eyes red and hair falling softly. He's not the man that's put together, not the man he saw last Saturday with a smile to rival the sun.

There's remnants of tears on his cheeks, and Ben just wants to reach out, brush them away with his thumbs and hold his face until it warms again.

Callum's fingers fidget with the lock on the door, staring down at Ben's feet, no energy to lift his head. This is Callum broken down to the most fragile, painful parts, and it slices Ben open more than it should for a person that's labelled as a friend.

 _"Callum,"_ Ben whispers, and upon hearing his name, Callum slowly glances up, lip trembling when he sees how worried Ben is.

Callum parts his lips to speak, but his lips keep wobbling, and he has to bite down on his bottom one to stop himself.

Ben walks forward, through the gap in the door, and shuts it behind him as Callum's weak hand falls by his side again.

They just look at each other, Callum hiccuping to hold his chokes back, and that's when Ben lifts his hand to reach out, holding it against his cheek, stopping the tear that falls so freely against the stubbled part of his face.

"What happened?" Ben asks, not expecting an answer considering Callum is barely held together.

But what he does get, is Callum shaking his head, Ben taking his hand away to pull at his shirt instead. Callum falls into him, wraps his arms tight around the width of his shoulders and _holds._

Ben rests his head on Callum's shoulder, rubbing his hand down his back then back up again, feeling the telltale signs of Callum's sobs when he feels the jolt of his muscles under the hoodie.

 _"I'm so scared,"_ whispers Callum, voice broken from his dry throat, haunted by the very real future he's now drowning in. _"I'm scared. Please, I don't — I don't know what to do."_

Closing his eyes, Ben tries to ignore how much Callum's disheartened and _small_ voice rattles his heart. He sounds like a lost boy in a man's body, forced to grow up for appearances, not allowed to love because he's been told the way he wants to love is _wrong._

Ben squeezes him tighter, kisses his shoulder and grips the back of his hoodie, "I'm here, alright?" He knows nothing he'll say will make it better, but hearing a voice might help, Ben knowing himself how lonely that darkness can feel.

The isolation, the bruising pain that never leaves — Callum is only just letting it punch through him, and that's a lot of years locked away, a lot of wolves that are hunting him down no matter how much he tries to shove it away.

"Callum," Ben says, and Callum just turns his head further into Ben, both of their hearts beginning to ache from tender comfort, but also from how much Callum's pain bleeds into Ben. 

His hands grip Ben's jacket, ignoring how cold the material is, ignoring the tears he can feel soaking his shirt. Ben's struck with how _heavy_ Callum is, barely holding himself up.

"Callum?" he tries again, this time speaking it into his shoulder, the hand on his back moving up to the nape of Callum's neck, feeling the slightly sharp bristles of hair.

Callum steps back, slowly, eyes down in shame as he sniffs, chest still rising and falling in sharp bursts, exhaustion pulling at parts of his face. He definitely hasn't been sleeping.

"I… I just wanted to see you," admits Callum, swallowing heavily when he finally looks up to Ben. "I wanted to text you back but I — _I couldn't."_

"Hey," Ben shakes his head a little, hand moving down the side of Callum's neck to cup his cheek. More cold stains of tears greet Ben's skin. "You weren't ready to talk then, but I'm here now, yeah?"

He smiles, and Callum glances down, staring until he feels tears sting at his eyes again. Ben brings him in once more, head pressed against Callum's chest, the steady drum of Callum's heart elevated by how much his lungs are working.

"You should come out tonight," Ben starts, hand moving up and down Callum's back like before. "Take your mind off things."

Callum grunts something like _no more clubs_ and Ben laughs a little, smile falling to a blank expression when he can't feel Callum smiling against the side of his head.

He just wants to stay here, to hold Ben until he falls asleep, hoping that when he wakes up everything will be normal again, complete, and Ben will be there to make him smile.

But it won't be like that.

"I mean out to an event," Ben searches over Callum's shoulder to look around the kitchen, noticing plates that still sit on the side, rubbish in odd places. "Just — going for a drive."

Callum starts to settle, sniffing when he pulls back, Ben searching over his face for an answer in case Callum never gives him one.

He does, eventually, when the silence starts to become deafening, "I think I'd like that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," replies Callum, a bit more life in his voice. 

And they stare again, locked in a bubble that's just theirs. Callum picks at the end of his hoodie sleeve, smiles, and Ben smiles back.

Callum feels better, not entirely, but enough to keep that small smile going until it's falling again, but Ben doesn't want to see it go.

His hand cups his face, brushing his thumb over Callum's stubble and wishing he could just pull him closer. This isn't the time to do it, and Ben said he would wait even if he didn't physically say that.

Ben doesn't listen to himself, at least partly, running his thumb along Callum's bottom lip, feeling how rough the surface is, chapped from salt and teeth. 

"You'll get through this," says Ben, and Callum almost closes his eyes, swaying slightly into him. "I promise you will."

And this time it's Ben that cracks, pulling Callum's head to rest on his shoulder, Callum's arms going around his waist and _squeezing._

Ben feels a tear roll down his own cheek, frowning as he hugs Callum back with the same need for warmth, for comfort. 

_If I can get through it, you can, Callum._

"Go freshen up, and you can come with me. No need to drive, just you and me with a couple of good friends," Ben steps back, but his hand falls to Callum's chest.

It feels warm there.

Callum seems reluctant, but he nods, scratching the side of his face that's itchy because of tears. He disappears down the hall and up the stairs, no sense of strength in any movement he does.

"Please don't leave," whispers Callum, halting halfway up and speaking towards the stairs themselves, voice small and cracked at the edges.

"I'll be right here," Ben smiles his way, but Callum can't see it.

And then he's gone again.

Ben steps back, head against the wall, trying to will the ache away. Closing his eyes just makes the wild race of his heart seem louder, drumming in his ears.

He can't fall for Callum. 

He can't ruin him too.


	10. running with wolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't do what these guys do. Follow the rules!

With Callum upstairs, Ben finds himself waiting by the door, no sign of Pip anywhere. It's only then he remembers not hearing any barking when he knocked. It's awfully quiet, no disturbance from upstairs either, the atmosphere just as tense as it was when Ben got here.

Looking around, it's not hard to deduct that Callum hasn't been his usual self. There's a distinct darkness to the room, curtains drawn in the room next to them, blind drawn in the kitchen.

Callum blocked the outside world as much as he could, hiding himself away thinking that if he stepped aside, everyone he looked up to would be looking down at him. As soon as Whitney said it, it feels like the whole world knows, and Callum can't even say it himself.

The way Callum clinged to him, almost begging Ben to keep him upright, so much pain wrapping tight around his legs and general body that it felt impossible to stand. And his face, broken parts of a puzzle thrown together, not quite fitting.

Ben can't take him until tonight, and the sun hasn't even gone down yet, but Callum is getting ready to leave and spend time away from the house. He has to think of something, and it doesn't take Ben long to make the necessary arrangements.

Callum needs a day of normality, a breath away from the confines of darkness and the uneasy feeling of the unknown. If he finds himself with familiar faces, good company, good food; then it may be what Callum needs to stand on his feet again.

Granted, it might exhaust his social battery by the time night falls, but if Callum feels better about himself the next day, then Ben can wait for another opportunity to take Callum along for the ride.

Taking his phone out, Ben scrolls through his contacts until he sees Lola's name, pressing _call_ and bringing the device to his ear. 

Ben moves from the wall, walking to the general area of the kitchen while the dial rings. It's not long until Lola's voice rustles through.

 _"Hey Ben,"_ Lola says, sounding rather happy. _"Everything alright?"_

"Yeah, you?" Ben replies, looking around the kitchen, picking up a few stray plates and throwing away old takeaway boxes. 

_"Not too bad, Lexi had a good week at school,"_ and that makes Ben smile, hearing the way Lola is so proud of her and how much of a strong, smart woman she's becoming. Not forgetting the addition of Ben's genes, a little charm mixed in.

"That's our girl, ay?" he says, and Lola agrees. "Speaking of Lexi, is she up for some pancakes at that small diner she likes?"

_"Oh? You're picking her up today instead of tomorrow?"_

It's Ben's turn this week to have Lexi, and usually he picks her up early on a Monday because of the events of the previous night. Lola knows of what they do, tagging along with Jay when Lexi stops at Kathy's from time to time.

"Not exactly," Ben starts, scrunching his nose. "Remember that Callum guy I told you about?"

_"Yeah? The guy Lexi can't stop on about?"_

Ben laughs a little, feeling his smile grow, "that one, yeah."

 _"Then yeah. She can't stop drawing Pip you know, she even has one for Callum to stick on his fridge,"_ Lola laughs, and Ben feels his heart squeeze, face softening at the thought of Lexi adoring Callum that much to offer him a gift. _"She's always saying stuff about him, how he's so tall, that he has a really nice smile. Also something about how happy you look around him?"_

That pulls at something in Ben's stomach, face falling. He takes a deep breath, tipping his head back a little, "Sounds like our Lexi." Saying something easy on the tongue stops the uneasy feeling elsewhere, returning to the topic at hand. "Well, Callum hasn't been well all week, I'm guessing he broke up with his gal."

 _"Amongst other things too, from what you told me last time,"_ a mutual silence follows, and Ben doesn't feel the need to drag it on.

"I'm not gonna' push him to tell me, but he texted me to come over and I've never seen him like this," Ben momentarily pictures how ghostly Callum seemed when he opened the door, his body an empty vessel. "I know it's bad, you can see it."

_"How long?"_

"Last time I saw him was last Sunday, and even then, it was a contrast because I saw him twice that day. At the park he was… _happy."_ It's almost jarring how different Callum had become in no longer than half a day. From the embodiment of positive smiles and laughs to the lowest of emotions, heart so raw from pain he can feel every time it contracts.

 _"God,"_ Lola sighs, taking a moment to think. _"One second."_

Lola moves the phone away from her ear, but it's not far enough that Ben can't hear.

_"Lexi? Fancy going for pancakes with Dad and Callum?"_

There's some rustling, Lexi's voice muffled in the background, and Ben can deduct from that alone it's a yes. Lola laughs, Lexi's voice getting louder, a continuous plea of _please please please!_ coming down the phone.

"Can I speak to her?" asks Ben, and Lola hands the phone over.

 _"Are we going for pancakes?"_ Lexi asks, clear excitement in her voice.

"We are," Ben finishes stacking some plates. "Callum will be there too."

_"And Pip?"_

He laughs, turning around to lean against the table, "We can't take Pip into the pancake shop, Lexi. I'm sure you'll see her some time next week."

 _"Okay,"_ her voice is nothing short of sad, but it soon picks up again. _"Should I bring that drawing?"_

"I think he'd love that," Ben looks straight ahead, squinting at the fridge that holds a calendar. Taking one step forward, he notices the _COUNSELLOR_ reminder scribbled across last Saturday. "He's not very well, so he needs one of your _amazing_ drawings to cheer him up."

_"Callum is poorly?"_

Ben tries to ignore how genuinely sad she is, how quiet her voice is now. It hurts but comforts Ben at the same time, knowing that his friends all care for Callum even if Ben isn't sure what they are.

Little does Ben know that it's because of Ben that they do, noticing how Ben smiles more, less broody, his routine changing just to fit around Callum. Even now, he's going out of his way to make sure Callum has at least one day this week that isn't a burden on his chest.

"He is, Lex. Promise me you'll give him a big hug when you see him?"

_"I promise!"_

"Alright, Princess. You go get ready and we'll see you soon!" Nothing brings a smile to Ben's face more than Lexi's happiness. 

There's loud footsteps as she runs off, not saying goodbye knowing she'll see Ben soon. Lola is chuckling when Ben hears her again, _"I have to go out and get some things, so I'll drop her off there."_

"We should be there before you, so I'll see you then?"

 _"Sounds good,"_ she's about to finish the call, but decides she needs to say something else. _"Callum's good for you, Ben. Don't lose this one."_

Ben doesn't know how to react, caught between words and thoughts. It continues, drawn out as Callum reaches the bottom of the stairs again, Ben'a eyes moving towards him. Even as he pockets his phone, Ben can't look away, Lola's words becoming louder. Callum takes that final step, eyes immediately on Ben once his focus lifts from the floor.

"Everything alright?" Callum asks, as if he isn't the one they're all worried about.

"Yeah," Ben says, picking himself up from the table and walking towards Callum. He looks better, but the slightly bruised eyes are still there, a drop to his shoulders that shows how little energy he has. "Just phoning Lexi."

The mention of her name brings a small smile to Callum's face, but it's not enough to keep it. He looks away, sniffing.

"She'd hate me," Callum looks to the empty bowl of Pip's water, the bed vacant and cold.

"Why's that?" Ben is hesitant to ask, but he needs to.

"I couldn't look after her," Callum's throat sounds tight, ridden with guilt. "She tried to be with me for a few days after Sunday, but I could — I could _barely_ do anything. I couldn't even take her on walks because I had no energy."

Something ill starts to stir in Ben's stomach, and as he walks closer, Callum's hands are shaking at his sides.

"I didn't — I didn't get rid of her. She's at a holiday home, I rang them to come pick her up until I felt better again, and I don't know when that's going to be," Callum's shrug is barely there, head falling down so he can meet Ben's eyes. He's practically given up. "I feel awful, that I can't even give her a home."

"Hey," Ben reaches for his hand, ghostly touches of uncertainty until two of their fingers intertwine, squeezing. "You did the right thing. You needed to focus on yourself, and even if Pip wanted to be there for you, and that you wanted to be there for her, making sure you're _both_ okay is what matters."

This is strange. Usually Ben would shrug it off and let them deal with it on their own, to say _it'll get better_ when he knows it won't.

But Callum is different, battling through something Ben's already trudged through. Still is, in some way.

Perhaps it's Lola's words too, Lexi as well, all respecting Callum as an honorary member to their small family simply because he makes Ben less grumpy. Sounds comedic, but it really is like that, Peter and Jay noticing it too because there's someone he's focused on besides his races every Sunday.

Someone he wants to learn with.

Callum shakes his head, "I wanna' pick her up tomorrow. It's been three days without her, and I can't do it anymore."

Ben thinks for a moment, looking towards the empty dog bed again, "I'll come with you."

"Ben," starts Callum, but Ben has other ideas.

"Nope, I'm going with you, alright? I miss her too, you know."

Callum smiles, shaking his head, accepting it. There's no reason to argue.

"Alright, fine," Callum shoves his hands into his pockets, shuffling his feet. "Wait, isn't it a bit early? For the event?"

Ben's smile creeps up, patting Callum's chest softly.

"Exactly," and then Ben is heading to the door, leaving Callum confused. "Come on, sunshine. I haven't got all day."

Callum doesn't waste time following him out the door, closing up after him. And then when he's settling into his car, Ben switches off a button on the dashboard.

Ben glances over to him, seeing that he's still a little stiff from being outside for the first time in days.

"You sure about this?" Asks Ben, and Callum doesn't turn to him, simply looking ahead.

"Yeah, yeah," and it's then that Callum meets his eyes. "I'm ready."

Ben nods, kicks the car into gear and heads off.

\- - -

The clouds are rather moody above, which is to be expected for British weather. But what he doesn't expect is to stop at an old, 80's american fashioned diner. He simply turns to Ben after leaning on his hand, watching the scenery as they went.

"Food?"

"And good company," Ben tips his chin towards the car that's just pulling up in front. 

Callum follows his gaze, two blonde heads in that car moving around until the door opens and Lexi is stepping out.

He doesn't know why, but Callum almost leaps out of the car to meet her, kneeling down and arms wide as the small bundle of energy collides head on with Callum.

His arms swamp Lexi's body, but he hugs her tight, and Lexi smiles up at Ben as he comes to stand beside them on the pavement.

"I've missed you, Callum," she says, voice tiny yet so full of life. "Daddy said you were poorly."

And Callum smiles, closing his eyes to hug her tight again, "I'm alright, Lexi. And I missed you too."

"Lots and lots?"

Ben laughs, glancing up to Lola to see her smiling at them. She nods towards Ben, and something warm showers over his heart. Acceptance. Acceptance of Callum.

"Lots and lots," replies Callum, pulling away from the hug to smile brightly at her. It's the most bright smile he's had all week.

And it's not over as she unveils the drawing of herself, Pip, Callum and Ben all at the park from Saturday. Callum's heart drums wildly, his smile almost causing tears to fall. 

"Oh, _Lexi._ This is — this is beautiful," he keeps looking at it, the curls and wisps of the crayon and how Callum is standing next to Ben, Pip with the blue ball and Lexi beside her.

"Oh, look!" he points at the milkshake she's holding, laughing, listening in as Lexi explains more about her masterpiece. "Lexi, this is amazing. Honestly, thank you."

"You can say thanks by buying me a pancake!" 

Callum laughs again, and takes her hand as they walk into the diner after Ben tells them to go ahead. It's only open for a few more hours so there's no wasting time. Lola waves them goodbye, and Ben gives thanks for bringing Lexi.

Ben has to catch up to the pair, walking through the door as the bell above him chimes. Lexi's taken Callum to a table at the back, near a rather well maintained vinyl player with all sorts of neon tubing. This is where they usually sit because of Ben, because of that vinyl player.

Lexi is talking Callum through the different toppings they can have when Ben arrives at the table, Callum looking up to him with a small smile. Ben just winks, mouthing _you ok?_ and Callum nods.

He's holding the drawing, picking at one edge of the paper as he listens to Lexi pick which one she wants.

Ben looks between them, smiling when Callum laughs at something Lexi says. He definitely looks better already, smiling again like he should, and Ben takes his phone out of his pocket to text Lola that Lexi should be back home in about two hours.

When they order their food, Callum is hesitant to get anything, but Ben nudges his foot under the table with his own, as if to say _go on._

He's shy as he talks to the waiter, comfortable being in public with Ben and Lexi, but strangers are a whole new experience after a week of not going outside unless it's for necessities. Plus, the waiter gives him a nice smile, and the words slip at his tongue. For some reason, Callum expects the world to hate him now.

Callum orders probably more than he can eat after Ben's encouragement, but Lexi is beyond excited, even more so when they give her a colouring book and those screw colouring pencils that she twists to get more wax. 

While they wait, Lexi offers a crayon to Callum, and he gently takes it, smiling as she pushes the book towards him, "Can you help? I wanna' finish this before the pancakes come!"

Callum can't say no, and to be frank, it's nice to do such a calm activity, making sure he doesn't colour outside the lines with utmost care. Lexi checks on his progress every now and then, and they exchange smiles when Lexi gives him what seems to be a grade every time he finishes a section.

Ben just laughs, arms folded across the table as the vinyl player next to them softly hums american classics through the speakers around the restaurant. There are some other oldies in there, too, and usually Ben would change it to something he likes, but he _really_ can't take his eyes off Callum.

This six foot something, hoodie wearing, smiling guy with the tip of his tongue darting between his lips in concentration as if this _is_ an exam. And then Lexi, tiny still, huddled next to him as they work together to colour in what seems to be a butterfly that's half realistic in colour and the other dipped in paint.

When the food arrives, Callum makes sure to keep the book out of the way of food to finish later. Lexi sings a thank you before tucking in, and Ben and Callum both reach for the syrup at the same time.

They bump fingers like some sort of romcom, but Callum clears his throat and allows him to go first, smiling when Ben offers the bottle to him afterwards.

"So, Lexi," Ben starts, cutting up his pancake with the side of his fork. "Do you want to tell Callum about your project at school?"

She does, Callum always turning back to her after a few mouthfuls of his own pancakes.

Ben could have more days like this, and frankly, he can. There's no possible reason to push Callum away when he's so comfortable with them, adoring Lexi as if they're best friends.

Lexi probably thinks they are, and it causes Ben to chuckle, and the odd placement of it makes Callum a little worried.

"What?"

Ben looks at him, "Nothing."

"Do I have something around my mouth?" Callum asks, turning back to Lexi, hoping that she'll be a loyal team member. 

She just starts laughing, pointing to her own mouth. Callum mirrors it, feeling a bit of cream. It wasn't what Ben was laughing at, but he stares and holds back the urge to wipe it away himself.

Callum just chuckles, brushing it from his lips before Ben can get the chance.

Either way, Ben wants this more often. He definitely wants Callum around, more than most strangers he's met. Well, they're not really strangers anymore, and scenes like this promise of a future where he'll stick around permanently. Callum will be here to see Lexi grow, to see Ben change, to see himself welcome a world he's fiercely hidden from his own fear.

And Ben wants to be there every step of the way.

\- - -

"Wait!" Callum opens the door of Ben's car, still seated, but smiling as Lexi runs back down the path to him. "You forgot this."

Callum hands over the butterfly they coloured in at the diner, Lola watching on with a smile on her face. Lexi accepts it with a beaming smile, hugging Callum one last time as she leans into the car.

"I hope you feel better soon, Callum," she whispers, but it's loud enough for Ben to hear.

It warms all of their hearts, especially Callum. He'll get there, eventually.

"I already do thanks to you," Callum gives her a high five. "I'll make sure Pip sees your drawing."

Lexi cheers, singing _bye Callum! Bye Dad!_ as she runs up the path back to Lola.

"You boys be careful, yeah?" shouts Lola, about to shut the door.

Ben gives a small wave, Lola nodding at him before heading back inside her own car. Callum shuts the car door with a thumb, resting his head back against the chair and taking a deep breath.

He doesn't say anything, closing his eyes, taking it all in. There's already so much tension gone from him, replaced by a sense of belonging. Callum feels like he can be himself around them, that there's no need to put on a front and hope for the best because Ben's already seen the worst, broken parts.

Or some of them, at least.

"You ready?" Ben says, looking at him with one hand on the wheel.

Callum takes a moment, but he eventually does meet his eyes, smiling, trusting Ben to see it, "Yeah."

And it grows when Ben grins back at him, making sure everything is in order before he kicks back the pedal and sends the car forward. Callum welcomes the noise, the folding night overhead, the way in which Ben focuses solely on the road ahead and nothing else.

Callum wonders what it'll be like next time, if there is one, with Callum in his own car and every single drip of power beneath his fingertips as they drive the road together.

But that's not for tonight. Tonight, he's here to forget, get drunk on something that's not alcohol, and for a small, _tiny_ second his mind curves back to Ben. It's silly to think that fixing how he feels starts with the guy that caused the first crack in the ice. 

Callum has fallen through by now, freezing, waiting out the cold until someone pulls him out. Ben did, it's what he's doing now.

It's not long before the sun starts to set, two cars pulling up beside Ben on the highway as he continues to driver. They wave through the window as they respectively roll past one by one.

"Peter," as the blonde one goes past, "Jay," for the second.

"They're with us?" asks Callum, turning to Ben and feeling a little out of place. He doesn't know these people but Ben does, so it's better than nothing.

"Yeah, they always tag along. Sort of a… crew, I guess." Ben allows Jay to lead them, Peter behind Ben's car as the three of them head off the main highway, driving down streets with out of the way restaurants.

Street lights start to flicker on, as if a new world entirely is starting to bloom. Colours of green and red, blue to purple, all flashing in and out of the car. Peter and Jay move up and down the order of their cars every few minutes, little games they each play.

And before long, they're on open road again, the empty horizon stretching far and wide until Callum spots what could only be their destination. There's cars lined up, the bass of music growing louder and louder the closer they crawl towards it.

This is Ben's world.

People are outside their cars conversing, leaning on bonnets and making adjustments to their cars before a race. The music vibrates through the floor of Ben's car, and Callum can feel it in his chest, lights flickering under cars that match paint schemes and decals like each machine is an art form. It feels like a disco, but there's a very different atmosphere to an innocent disco.

It's heavy, unwelcoming, a little constricting with how many people are crowded around cars decked out, even some expensive exotics he's only seen in movies. Ben doesn't seem phased, following behind Peter's car as they find their spot. People walk in and out of them, their speed now a walking pace as Callum turns his attention to two cars lined up parallel to each other on the other side of the tarmac. There's a small crowd around them, a buzz building.

A guy raises his arms, pointing to each car, shouting something Callum can't hear, and then as his arms go down, the two cars launch off the line, roaring into each gear with a quick shift as the crowd cheers. Callum feels fear rattle his spine, but Ben just laughs.

"That's definitely stage fright," Ben says, eyes on Callum to gauge his reaction to all of this as parks up next to Peter's car, Jay following to park beside Ben. "Don't worry," Ben pats his shoulder, winking at him. "I've got you."

Callum definitely feels something slam against his chest, something uncertain. He's left tongue tied, staring at the empty chair beside him where Ben once was as leaves through the driver's side.

_I've got you._

He lets his head fall against the chair. _Shit._

Stepping out, the music becomes louder, a mix between electronic and deep vocals, definitely not his genre but it fits the scene entirely.

"So is this the man?" Peter crosses his arms, breaking Callum from the awe of the scene around him. "You said he was small."

Callum looks to Ben, frowning. His expression soon softens though, another _ping_ inside Callum's chest echoing until it becomes a voice itself.

_He's been talking about me?_

"I didn't say that," Ben scratches at his neck, suddenly thrown to the wolves because he doesn't want Callum knowing he's been on about him so much. Lola is enough. "You're just annoyed someone is actually the same height as you."

Peter scoffs, smiling as he moves away from his car, "Alright, whatever you want to believe."

Jay laughs behind them, greeting Peter with a pat on his back as they head to the main group of people on the other side of the tarmac. Ben hangs back with his car, looking to the somewhat vast crowds, and Callum starts to feel like a stranger.

"We don't need to mingle," Ben says, leaning against the boot of his car. Callum does the same, looking around as he places his hands into his hoodie pockets. "We can just stand here until something interesting happens."

Callum suddenly stands up, taking his eyes away from another set of cars lining up to race, "Oh, sorry. You don't have to—"

"Callum, please," Ben pats the car. "I was being serious. I'm not here to overload your brain, we're here for a break. Time away from life _._ I'm just showing you a part of mine."

He leans back on Ben's car once more after processing that, slowly smiling to himself even though he still feels drastically out of place.

He's about to ask why Ben likes this so much, the noise, the buzz of such an atmosphere, but there's little time to even comprehend asking that when Ben is suddenly there in front of him.

Ben's looking back to where Callum saw those cars line up moments ago, and without a second thought, Ben's lifting his hands towards Callum's face, hands covering his ears as the cars launch. One of their exhaust pops so much it even hurts Ben's ears, squinting from it.

Callum's world is suddenly silent, his focus entirely on Ben as he waits for what seems like hours for him to turn around so their eyes can meet. He has to take a deep breath when Ben finally does, floored by how blue his eyes are this close, inhaling what feels like a secret Ben exchanges through eye contact.

Ben has the thought to pull away like he's been burned, having moved on instinct to protect Callum. His eyes flicker to where his hands rest against Callum's ears, the tips of them cold, but then his eyes fall on his cheeks, noticing the warmth that blooms over the surface of his skin as Callum keeps his gaze on Ben.

He's in dangerous water, Ben. Ignoring the ache of his heart, Ben brushes his thumbs over his cheeks to feel how warm they are, and he wants to stay there to warm his cold hands, suddenly ice cold from nerves. Ben's hands drop before his heart can convince him otherwise.

Callum swallows as Ben leaves him, expression falling to something Ben can't name. Ben clears his throat as he turns away, leaning back against the boot as he was before.

He chuckles, awkwardly scratching the back of his head, Callum still with his eyes forward to where Ben once stood.

Ben wouldn't have done that for anyone else.

"That dude's car is the definition of a nightmare," Ben explains, sniffing. "It's your first time here, so thought I'd save you the scare."

Callum just nods, chest a little cold, the skin where Ben touched his face now tingling against the brittle wind that brushes past.

"Thanks," replies Callum, smiling to himself as he watches on. 

"Would you want to, though?" Ben needs to move on, quickly.

"Hmm?" Callum's not sure what he means, but he can't say _t_ _o have your hands hold me like that again? Or what?_

"Race," and it's that very word that makes Callum lose the ounce of peace he had left. "You'd be with me."

Callum has to bite his tongue, head falling back to look at the sky.

 _You'd be with me —_ it becomes another echo, another loud thought until he does exactly the same as Ben just did. Distraction.

"Maybe," Callum replies, cocking his head towards him, an easy fake smile curving his lips. "Don't wanna' be in a car with a loser on my first day, though. It'd be embarasing for my rep."

"Oh, fighting talk, ay? Didn't think you had it in you." Ben likes this small spark of comedy, how Callum smiles so easily with it, having very little clue when his head's spinning to guess it's not real. "I gotta' prove myself, then."

"Maybe you do." And that means so many different things.

"Is it always a maybe? Because it's better than a no," winking his way, Ben smirks at how Callum clicks his tongue, shaking his head and stepping to the side, back to the passenger seat as Ben watches from where he remains.

"Shut up before I change my mind." Callum taps the hood of the car, hoping and praying he won't regret this.

"Oh, so it's a _yes?"_ Ben leans his head a little forward, playing with the handle on the door as he makes his way back to the drivers side. "My my, it's a lucky day for me."

Callum ignores him, but it's not with annoyance. There's a huge smile on his face, and as they both settle inside the car again, Callum turns to him, "For the record, it's a no."

"Ouch, way to turn a guy down," Ben _pouts,_ and Callum throws his elbow against his arm.

The conversation fades after that, Ben left with a sour taste in his mouth. Callum doesn't know what to do with himself, so he chooses to look out the window, taking it all in as they roll up to the start line.

Rolling his window down, Ben exchanges conversation with someone, the same guy he saw launch the race earlier. They're agreeing on winnings, prizes, that sort of thing. Ben seems confident, especially so as he looks across to Callum, smiles quick, eyes dropping for a moment before going back to the road ahead. He feels like he needs to impress Callum somehow, and that's difficult considering Callum's not exactly a car man.

As they roll up to the start line, Ben takes it slow, watching as someone outside guides him until they signal for him to stop. They do the same with his opponent, and Callum is sat on the left side of Ben's car, so he's face to face with them.

He doesn't look friendly at all. Glaring, snarling, but Callum's not sure if that's his engine or the guy himself. Either way, he turns to glance at Ben, nerves settling in for the ride.

"Don't worry about him," Ben says, tightening his grip on the wheel, hand settled on the gear shift. "Bark is worse than his bite. Trust me."

"A fling?"

"Absolutely not," Ben almost snorts. "I have actual standards, Callum." Ben revs the engine, firing all cylinders, and Callum feels every part of it. "I have my interests elsewhere, anyway."

Callum would ask who or what, but Ben revs the engine again, leaving his foot on the pedal to make the car rev back and forth a few times. It sounds beastly, all muscle, bark _and_ bite.

No later, the guy that helped them line up now stands between their cars, one arm raising towards Ben. Ben nods, revving his engine, Callum watching as Ben's grip tightens and twists around the wheel.

Callum has to swallow, nerves and adrenaline mixing together.

The guy repeats the same gesture to Ben's opponent with the same answer. It's go time.

Callum can see his lips moving, counting down, but it's faint compared to the way his world goes silent, Ben's car louder than anything else, Callum feeling every hum of the machine through his fingertips.

Arms drop. The race starts.

Tyres dig in, smoke burns from rubber, turbos whining as both cars launch off the line. Callum's forced to breathe in from the force, eyes ahead as the cars gains speed like nothing Callum's ever experienced before.

Ben is the embodiment of concentration. His eyes are fixed on the horizon, but his hands move and control the car with finesse, second nature, a strength that's truly his own. Callum just sits back, head back, allowing what could only be described as a rush pulsing through him.

Callum turns to the rearview mirror, Ben's opponent fading into the distance behind them, never standing a chance. Ben was right. His smirk grows into this grin that's full of life, of pride.

"Told you," he laughs, leaning back in his chair, hand easing its grip on the wheel, cruising over the line as the crowd waiting at the end of the mile cheer in a quick blur as they zoom past.

Callum finds himself smiling from the win even though it's not his. It's the buzz coming from Ben, the atmosphere, knowing he's one of the best and proving it.

Ben slows down considerably, but he doesn't turn back, not like his opponent is doing in the mirror. Callum wets his lips, suddenly unsure as to what's happening.

"Are we not going back?" he asks.

"Nah," Ben doesn't add anything else to that, and it makes Callum look over, just in time to see Ben glance at him, eyes piercing as Ben grips the handbrake without much of a warning.

Ben kicks the car into a drift, tyres crying out as Ben cheers, Callum having to quickly grab onto the support handle of his door.

"Fuck— hey! At least warn me first!" Callum takes a deep breath, heart rattling from the slight scare.

Ben bursts into laughter, the sound fleeting. He finds himself throwing the car again, this time in the opposite direction, completely spinning the car into a complete donut. He has complete control, back wheels producing smoke and painting the roads like a canvas.

"Want to show off a bit. Impress my date," says Ben, all calm and cool.

"I ain't no date," and suddenly it feels like the first night all over again. Ben just huffs, but the smile is still there, and Callum follows with his own seconds after.

It's somehow nice to think it could be.

Then Callum realises — Ben's plan worked. His mind hasn't been focused on Whitney at all, nor the pain he's felt for the past week. Granted it's still there, lingering until his world becomes quiet again, but it's being replaced by something fleeting, hopeful.

"You looked a little too relaxed," jokes Ben, knowing and feeling Callum's glare.

"Ah, sure. I'll make sure to jump for joy next time, shall I?" Callum leans against the door, prepared to grip it again if Ben decides to go sideways once more.

Ben sees the oppurtunity and takes it, "Cheerleader? You gonna' dress up and spell out my name on the sidelines?"

Callum scoffs at him, "Yeah, sure. In your dreams."

As the stars above them burn dim, Callum has never felt closer to a stranger in his life.

Ben is easy. He keeps saying this, how light his lungs feel with laughter. Time with Ben is more than just time, it's an experience, a part of Callum's memories until he's old and grey.

As he stops the car, engine humming deeply, Ben looks over. Callum's about to ask what his plan is, but Ben beats him to it.

"I wanna' take you somewhere," Ben says, biting his lip in thought. Callum will either flat out deny him or say yes, and Ben's more nervous about the second option. "Mind wasting another hour with me? Maybe two?"

There's that maybe again, and Callum feels his cheeks warm. _What does he say?_ Nothing feels right on his tongue, so he allows his heart to speak for him, just this once.

"Yeah," replies Callum, sinking down into his chair and casually rolling his head towards Ben. "I can squeeze you in."

Ben's eyes flick between Callum's. His smile becomes sickly sweet as his lip curl into a smile, and Callum finds himself not being able to look away either. 

"Oh, how lovely of you." Ben replies, all jokes but nothing heartless.

Ben pushes the car forward, gently this time. Callum appreciates that, pulling his eyes away from Ben and rolling his head the other way towards the window.

Callum is prepared to see Ben's house on the horizon after twenty or so minutes of driving, but Ben is heading in the opposite direction. Trees grow larger, almost forming an arch as they travel down country lanes. Ben's car easily accepts the challenge, gripping with so much downforce it surprises Callum the ease at which it moves.

He hasn't really seen Ben drive like this. Of course, he's just seen _and_ felt what it's like to be beside him when he goes flat out, but this is different.

The car speeds up and down, slow on the corner and building on the exit. It's more calm, controlled, and there's a smile on Ben's face as Callum looks over. It's a private smile, one Callum isn't meant to see.

This is his thing, Ben's world, an escape so that his demons can't catch him, to outrun them. Callum doesn't feel scared to sit beside him anymore, not when the most overwhelming feeling he has is to join in, to get in his own car and see what Ben brings out of him.

Maybe this is why Ben loves it so much. Control, the delicate balance between pushing and pulling and knowing when to stop altogether. It doesn't feel like their first night even though Callum has no idea where they're going, but he's not afraid of not knowing. Not this time.

He's starting to see who Ben is, knows his daughter, parts of his family he was never really meant to see. The door to Ben's life is slowly opening, a mix of dark and light shining through the gap, and Callum is frightened to what it could all mean.

Ben turns to him while they're on a stretch of road, catching Callum staring at him and the moment he blinks and turns away again, "Need to go a bit faster if we're gonna make it."

Callum's smile widens, Ben can see it even behind his hand as he leans on it, elbow on the door. It shouldn't be this easy to smile, to enjoy going for a drive, this isn't his thing. But it's Ben's and maybe that's why he nods.

And it's like something in Ben and the car clicks, the engine whining from the turbo as Ben slowly builds speed. There's no one around to see them, and time is swallowed whole by the wheels of Ben's car until he's pulling into a takeaway.

"Two milkshakes, please," Ben asks the man in the window, who gladly takes his change.

The word milkshake makes Callum remember what Ben said to him not long ago. Well, last week.

_Lovers' first quarrel is always solved with a good milkshake._

Ben checks on him as they wait, and Callum finds himself turning away once more. It's more of a gut reaction then anything else. Ben's gaze shouldn't make Callum's heart spin like it does.

When the milkshakes are ready, Ben passes them over to Callum. They leave the place in no time at all.

Callum looks down to the milkshakes in his lap a few minutes after they're back on the main road, "Is this a thing?"

"Hmm?"

"You and milkshakes when something goes wrong," Callum laughs a little, but Ben just smiles at him for a second before turning back to the road.

"It's a thing I — yeah. It's just nice. Something sweet to take away the sour." Ben hesitated, and he's biting his lip knowing Callum saw and heard that.

"Lovers first quarrel," repeats Callum, noticing Ben got one too. "Going through the same?"

"No, just didn't get laid," Ben is glad to hear Callum scoffs at that, feeling he might have regretted saying it. "Seem to keep bumping into the same guy."

"Oh, yeah?" Callum seems to be going off the natural flow between them, the jokes and small private smiles they share as the journey goes on. Being in Ben's car doesn't feel like a cold, isolated experience. It feels warm, inviting, as if Ben could take him on a trip of the world on four wheels and he'd never get bored. "What's he like?"

"Annoying, keeps me up at night, stupidly tall and his hands are so big I don't know if they're even anatomically possible," Ben shrugs when he looks at him. "Just another guy."

_Oh._

That was meant to be a joke, Callum knows that, but it shouldn't' hurt like that, right? Why did that twist something so deep in his chest?

"Must be a horrible guy," replies Callum, only some of the jolly feeling from his past words remaining.

Ben seems to notice, frowning a little, almost in thought as he stares straight ahead, the promise of a beautiful event starting to bloom in the sky.

"To be honest, he's not all that bad," Ben admits, and Callum looks at him with hope, but Ben doesn't meet his eyes.

The car falls silent, the road underneath them a mellow yet simple tune as the wheels eat up the remaining distance.

\- - -

It's ten minutes before they reach wherever Ben is taking them, pebbles clicking and crumbling under the wheels as they halt to a stop.

Callum opens his eyes, weary, blinking away the sleep he managed to catch without warning. The warmth of the car and the silence almost hugged him to a complete slumber, but a light nap helps brush away _some_ of the exhaustion starting to nip at his heels.

Ben isn't talking still, but Callum doesn't care to notice when he realizes why Ben has stopped. He can feel it against his skin, the warmth of the rising sun just as it kisses the horizon.

He sits up a little more, thankful he hasn't spilt the shakes in his lap as Ben reaches over for his.

"C'mon," Ben says, Callum blinking at him. "Better outside."

Before Callum can process it, Ben is outside, shifting round to the front and sitting on the hood. His legs dangle a little, and he looks unmistakably lonely out there. Callum wonders if he always does this, coming here on his lonesome to witness a spectacle not many people manage to see or even think about during our busy lives.

Callum makes his way out, glancing at his watch and almost groaning at the merry time of 5AM, but there's more important things.

Like how warm the sun is, how it blends orange and blue together like only nature knows how. It's something he sees on his walks with Pip sometimes, but the sun is already whole.

Here, it's just the first few seconds, the dawn of light on a new day, and Ben watches it like it's his first time.

Callum walks silently to the front of the car, eyes on the horizon, and they're high enough that the view isn't cut or broken by any buildings. Ben drove to a rather remote part of the countryside, going up and up until this little layby of pebbles with one tree at the side appeared before them. It overlooks most of the area, and Callum would make a joke that _he can see his house from here_ but he's more focused on Ben.

Callum doesn't really know what to say, admiring the peace after a storm barreled through his entire week. Perhaps this is why he brought Callum here, a breath of fresh air in an otherwise polluted life.

"Nice, ain't it?" Ben says, taking a sip of his milkshake. 

_Nice?_ Is all Callum thinks, turning to him and laughing. Ben looks at him with a curious glint in his eyes.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Nothing," shrugs Callum, head down before turning back to the dawn. "For something so beautiful, I thought you had more to say than nice."

Ben scoffs at him, "Just ain't good with words. We don't all have time to be art majors, do we?"

Callum hears the hint of amusement in his voice, and when he glances over, Ben is smiling. Only a little, though.

"I mean, you _could_ be an art student and you're just hiding it." He has to keep this going somehow.

"And you're awful at conversation," Ben clicks his tongue, laughing. He can't help it. "Be quiet, would ya'? I enjoy a bit of peace after a night like this. I don't just take anyone here."

There's a ping in Callum's chest, like something clicks into place that he didn't know was there.

"You're the one that asked the question in the first place," Callum tries so desperately hard to ignore what Ben said, but it's irritating him to know.

"Alright, smart arse," Ben nudges him with his elbow, and Callum smiles wider. 

He's usually not too good at this _friend_ thing, but considering today, maybe they aren't that bad together. They work in their own, private, _Ben and Callum_ way of working. 

Being alone all the time warrants company, and Callum is accustomed to small exchanges of friendship, only for them to leave not a moment too soon. Ben, however, keeps coming back, wants to stay and Callum doesn't want to think about how long this might last.

Because he _wants_ it to last. Their casual _thing,_ the deal that's not really a deal and more of a favour. Then there's Lexi and Pip, the connections they all have, and maybe they don't need to stop being _this_ anytime soon. 

Callum looks out to the dawn, watching as the world wakes up, the sky littered with birds that sing in the distance. Perhaps there is such a thing as an early _bird catches the worm,_ and Callum smiles at the voice that says it inside his head. 

It's rather strange to just sit back and watch something like this with Ben beside him and lukewarm milkshakes in their hands. Ben looks at peace, face no longer pinned with a frown and more relaxed. Frankly, there's no expression at all, just blank admiration for an event he's seen numerous times now. 

Not a single one has been the same.

There's no difference this time, either. Callum sits next to him with the nerves of a kid on their first day of school. He's unsure, but the curiosity of being here and the _next big step_ so inviting that he stays.

Ben can feel his resolve crumbling, piece by piece as his own conscious whispers to him.

_Scare him away._

_Save the tears for another day, he'll go eventually._

_They never stick around long._

Ben grits his teeth, blinking a few times as if that'll shut himself up. 

"I come here to think," Ben's voice is rough against the silence, like he forced himself to say it when he's not quite ready. "That's why I don't bring people here."

Callum is mid sip when Ben turns to him, and when Callum locks eyes with him, there's a pull in Ben's chest, his fingertips.

"Sad, right?" He half expects Callum to agree and laugh, but he doesn't. 

"No," Callum isn't like the others. "I have the same, with Pip. It's on a Sunday too, actually, even though today is _technically_ Monday."

His small smile and added chuckle doesn't do much to conquer the demons in Ben's head, and as the man turns away, Callum is left cold once more. The sun doesn't do much after a while, the chill of the morning more overwhelming.

Ben feels cold now, too.

"But you have different reasons to me," argues Ben, and the way he's looking out to the horizon almost seems as if he's mourning. "You're a good guy, Callum. I've treated you like shit ever since I've met you."

"Then what about today?" Callum gestures back to the car. "You helped, a lot. Both you _and_ Lexi." 

For a moment, Callum is taken back to mere hours before, the way Ben's hands felt against his skin, how the silence created by him was surrounded by curiosity. Ben didn't have to do that, but he did.

"Don't get used to it," Ben shakes his head a little. "Only a matter of time."

"Before what?"

"Before it's like I was never here," turning to Callum, he shrugs, as if that's such a normal thing to say. "People don't stick around long for the reason of _me_ not sticking around long."

Callum is more than confused. He's afraid of how quickly Ben has turned from being good company to laying out their future on spoken words. It feels wrong, as if this is only Ben protecting himself instead of trusting Callum not to be like the rest.

Who is Ben even referencing?

With Callum unsure what to say, Ben turns back to the horizon, drinking the remaining parts of his drink.

Ben struggles to exhale, regret already pinching his spine. He shouldn't have said that, but it's already too late, and perhaps even for the best. It's enough to have a small memory of Callum, the good parts. There's no need to tarnish it.

"I'm not that put together either, if that's what you're saying." Replies Callum.

"You'll get through it."

"Will I?" Callum sounds almost offended. "How do you know? You're basically saying you'll get sick of me eventually."

"The other way around, actually," Ben leans back, laying down on the hood as a sigh breaks through his lips. "I already made you snap once. I'll probably do it again, the whole _leopard don't change its spots._ I ain't gonna' change, I'm just being honest with you."

"Yeah, maybe you did, but I know you didn't do it on purpose. It was more of a — defence than anything else. At least, that's how it feels to me looking back on it," Callum replies, and Ben frowns at him from where he now lays. _"Alright_ then, you did. Breaking it out of me isn't much difference because I was the one that shoved it to the back of my mind. Was only a matter of time."

"And that's not your fault," replies Ben, voice rough. There's some restriction in his throat, and from what he's not sure.

Deciding not to play games with his own mind, Ben takes a moment to appreciate the soft breeze. He's getting a little heated, and it's not because of Callum. Ben is battling himself.

As the seconds go by, the sun climbs higher, bit by bit, but the gentle darkness that still hugs them from behind is something that keeps Callum calm. It's almost like staring at the future, facing the day before it's here. 

And Callum's is starting with Ben, rigid and cold when the atmosphere around them is so warm.

"Do you know, yet?" asks Ben, eyes closing because he can't handle what Callum's expression might be.

Callum's quiet, and then he sighs, feeling what could only be an unsettling sickness in his stomach. Saying it makes it true. He's not ready to live in that future yet.

"I'll wait in the car." Callum whispers, fingers playing with the rim of the lid. He's not moving, though.

He somehow wants Ben to make him stay, to help him understand.

Callum's hands are cold, nerves giving them a slight shake like there's too many emotions in his body to puppet all at once. It's then that the silence becomes too much, and his hand moves to push against the hood of the car so he can stand up.

Ben reaches for him, fingertips brushing over the back of his hand, a gentle press of force that says _don't go —_ and Ben's eyes speak apology he doesn't have the guts to say as Callum turns over his shoulder to look at him.

He's sat up now, Ben looking down at their hands with a sense of longing. Callum feels glued to where he is, or magnetized, leaning back towards Ben with a flutter in his chest as Ben runs his fingers down Callum's, watching as they fold so perfectly together.

 _Fuck._ He's an idiot. He's meant to be pushing Callum away, not pulling him closer.

"Don't," Ben says, barely a whisper, looking up to Callum with eyes like broken glass. The words that were so venomous and easy on his tongue before are gone. "Just, don't let me ruin this. Not for you. Not now."

Callum nods, and even though he has the thought to move away, wait in the car and bathe in the silence without Ben making his heart drum louder; he stays.

He stays because Ben needs this as much as he does. Callum sits back as he used to be, and Ben remains longing at their hands until he turns his gaze away. Their hands remain joined, neither wanting to let go.

They have to. They aren't what they long to have.

His fingers become cold as they leave Callum's, and Ben swallows the need to take his hand again. It'll be too obvious, too soon. He only did that to make him stay, not for Ben's own need or comfort

He's lying to himself.

Ben allows his shoulders to slouch, heavy with the weight of years that'll never leave his shoulders. This is his time to think, but the voices are so loud they're starting to block anything else, the words so eager to come out, to share the weight with someone else overwhelmingly repetitive in his throat.

His heart, wounded and left to rot tells Ben to push him away. His mind, and whatever else gives him the energy to smile tells him to _let Callum in._

Not all of it, not every scar or historic moment laid bare for Callum to judge and list in ranking of bad to worse. Ben doesn't need that, he needs someone to _listen,_ someone that isn't a therapist with soft and careful eyes because it's their job.

He wants someone not too familiar, a friend that he can trust, an easy way out if this turns back on him in some way. Ben needs an equal balance between trust and genuine fear of letting someone in, but not so much that it twists his entire throat shut again.

He needs Callum. 

"I left the square because I needed to, not because I wanted to," Ben looks on, remincising, voice quiet and shared only between them. "It was either allow Lexi to grow up there, or let her grow up where she is now, and that's all there is to it."

But that's not all of it. Callum knows, and it's almost instinct to reach out, taking Ben's hand again, just placing it over his on the slightly warm hood of the car.

Ben smiles privately, away from Callum as his head turns away, trying to find something else to focus on so it's easier to say.

"The reason we had to let go of Pip is because of my Dad. He didn't want her there, said the place was getting too crowded and with another baby on the way, there was no room for her. I was never the child he wanted anyway, so my say doesn't have any weight to it, gay and never finding the right thing to do," Ben smiles even more as he turns back to the dawn, but it's not built on happiness. It's entirely from his own humiliation, how much he believed that one day he'd find the acceptance from his own blood. "It got to the point where I said fine, put her up for adoption. He pulled me aside and said he'd sort it for me since he's the reason she's going."

Slowly, pieces fit together, and any remaining doubt Callum had about Pip being with Ben before is well and truly gone. 

"You put trust in someone you believed in," Callum replies, not wanting the air to fall too silent, that Ben shouldn't feel alone in this. "That's not your fault, Ben."

"I didn't believe in him. I wanted to, so fucking badly, but he just gives me a false sense of home and family to the point where I don't even know what it is anymore," Ben feels his anger boiling, not even Callum squeezing his hand being able to simmer the fire. So, he pulls away, wiping at his nose as he sniffs, wanting to ignore the falling expression of Callum as they break physical contact again. "I have Lexi, I have Jay and Lola and everyone else I call my family, but — but I don't really have a home. I've never fit in, and even if the club is mine, everyone there makes it their own every single night."

Callum finishes his milkshake, and for a moment, the pair just watch the sun. Not directly, of course, but there's a delicate warmth they both gain from the silence.

"You have me."

Ben blinks, turning to Callum with disbelief.

"What?"

Callum says it facing him this time, "You have me."

"I've made your life hell." Ben still can't comprehend Callum saying that.

"If this is hell then heaven must be boring," Callum quips back, and Ben cracks a smile, turning away with the shake of his head.

"Wow, got a way with words 'ave you?"

"One of us has to." Callum beams a smile his way, but Ben can't see it.

"You're a fool if you stick around too long, Callum," he grasps his hands together in front of him between his legs, taking a deep breath. If he holds his own hand, he won't be tempted to take Callum's. "I already told you why."

"Maybe I am a fool," Callum shrugs. "Friends with the guy that stole my car, buying me milkshakes at 5AM on a Monday morning so I'm late for work."

"Well, when you say it like that. Maybe the whole idea of opposites attract is true."

Callum wrinkles his nose at the word _attract._ Yeah, Ben is attractive, but he doesn't need to know that.

Silence falls on them again, too, and for once Callum thinks this is probably the best day he's had in a long time. The family atmosphere and spending time with Lexi, to the rush of spending time with Ben at the event, and now the calm and almost private conclusion.

"When you said that, did you mean it?" Ben's heart is beaming to know the truth, to absorb the potential hope of having Callum as a friend, as family.

Callum hums in reply as he watches a bird soar overhead, the wind rustling gently at his fringe. Ben swallows, turning slowly to see Callum looking up, a gentle, heartfelt smile on his face as early birds swing above them.

"I need to hear you say it, Callum." Ben knows his anxiety and his cruel self hatred will only dub it as false otherwise.

"Yeah," says Callum. "I meant it." 

Ben feels it, the warmth that floods his veins. He's always wanted that warmth, something to replace his reliance on the sun, a body beside him to hold tight and brace against the rough roads of life. Even after this hell of a week, Callum can still smile, and he's choosing to smile at Ben.

Maybe this is it. A look into his own future, a future that Ben may have with a certain tall lad and a smile to rival any other. But it's foolish to think about, to wonder when Callum is lost in his own world, comfortable with who they are now.

Ben smiles, genuine, and when Callum meets his eyes, he smiles too. The breeze blows between them as Callum waits, patient and open to give Ben enough space to talk. No matter how much Ben ruptures the ground he walks on, Callum will keep stepping back until it's safe to step forward. 

It's that thought that makes Ben reach out, hesitant at first, but one glance to Callum's eyes tell him it's alright. Ben is gentle, more than usual as he brushes his thumb over Callum's cheek, fingertips at the back of his jaw. As the orange and purple sky rolls like a blanket over them, Ben focuses entirely on the blue of his eyes, how they're surrounded by colours of the dawn, but the beauty of the coming blue is already there. 

Callum closes his eyes, comfortable, head falling into Ben's hold. It's comfort so warm, so welcome after so much isolation for feeling distant, distant from the rest of the world after the truth burst free. It feels awful, as if there's a wound wide open, free reign to beat and bruise his heart simply because all of his walls are useless now.

They protected a lie, and now that the truth weighs heavy in his hands, the false protection is gone, too.

Ben can see it in how he looks at him once those eyes open again, the words of _save me_ merging to something else entirely. He can't read him once those eyes change, a mix between confusion and the eager curiosity of what the future might hold for them as he looks back at Ben.

Happiness, perhaps. A promise of the love he sees on the TV, a smile that's born purely from love and not comedy, a family he's made all on his own.

Maybe, just maybe.

And as Callum said to Ben, _you have me,_ the same goes for Callum. He has Ben, undeniably, ultimately. 

Ben will deny it all he wants, but there's nothing stopping him from trying. The small distance between them closes, and Callum feels himself look down, Ben's stubble brushing against his skin as he presses his lips to the corner of Callum's mouth.

His lips are warm, just as he remembers from that one night. Callum allows his eyes to drop, leaning into the way Ben rests his head against his at the side, breathing deep.

Ben expects him to run, to shove him and demand they go home, to forever forget this happened, but Callum remains, hand moving up to Ben's neck. Ben breathing out as Callum's cold fingertips press against his skin, but it's only brief, as the warmth that follows from such a comforting, grounding touch is beyond words.

"What you said," whispers Ben, still holding Callum to his cheek, noticing how his hands shake a little on the skin of his neck. "I hope you're not lying."

"I don't lie," and then Callum huffs, realising what he's said. "Not anymore."

Ben leans back, Callum's hand falling to his chest, fingertip picking at the collar of the shirt underneath his jacket, flinging back. He could sigh at how good that feels, contact that's full of meaning instead of just sheer want, a touch that promises instead of a means to an end.

Callum allows his eyes drop to Ben's lips, bringing his hand up to brush his bottom lip with the surface of his thumb. Ben feels every foundation crumbling, the concrete so firmly placed between every brick crumbling.

 _Fuck._ All it took was a guy like Callum to realise he's been lying, too. Lying to himself that it'll be impossible to love again, and even if it's way, _way_ too early to say it, Ben is a hopeless dreamer.

"Maybe you'll be a good influence on me, then," Ben searches over his face, an imprint on half of his skin remembering the contact of Callum's skin. "Because I'm tired of lying, of trying to be this perfect thing for someone."

"You don't have to," replies Callum, hand dropping from Ben to rest on the hood, still turned to him. "Just be Ben, that's all."

"And you'll be Callum?"

Callum smiles, shrugging as he turns out towards the horizon once more. "I will now, thanks to you."

Ben feels it, the acceptance that rolls over his skin like waves to a beach, and the recoil leaves desire, a need so heavy in his fingers that he has to squeeze his hands together.

They're so close, but still so far apart.

They're friends, barely strangers, enemies that once hated the sight of each other and only trying again because of curiosity.

There's no love, no family, no warm body next to him when he wakes up because love isn't possible. Ben isn't loveable, barely able to hold his own heart up, nevermind someone else's.

Callum watches his face fall, and as Ben moves away, clearing his throat and adjusting his jacket, the moment is over.

"We should be heading back," Ben says, moving his thumb over his bottom lip in thought as Callum smiles after him.

"Duty calls."

Ben ignores him, settling back into the car before him.

Callum turns around slowly, the dawn now sour, irritatingly cold in contrast to what it should be. Getting back into the car, he can still feel the ghost of Ben's lips on his cheek, the way his fingertips brushed his hair.

He wants that touch again.

Ben doesn't even start the car, watching the sun as he bites his nails.

"You alright?" Callum asks, and it's then that Ben starts the car, drowning him out, snapping from his thoughts.

"Yeah." Is the only thing Ben says in return, reversing from the spot and heading home in a heavy, nerving silence.

Callum doesn't even welcome the sight of his house, knowing it'll be lonely, and he has a momentary thought of asking Ben inside, but he can't even look at him.

"Night," Ben whispers, head towards the road in front, every bone in his body aching to look at Callum, to rewind the last thirty minutes and thank him for being a good friend.

He shouldn't have kissed his cheek. But he wanted that, and Ben wants to do it again.

Callum whispers the same in return as he steps out, and as the door thumps shut, Ben is already driving away.

As he drives away, Ben looks to see Callum looking back at him in the mirror. Ben hits his steering wheel with the palm of his hand, moisture stinging his eyes, letting them fall in the lonely darkness of his car.

_Shit. Shitshitshit._

Ben can't love, and he shouldn't love Callum, not a heart so young for love and only just realising what that love is.

Ben will twist it, turn it cold when Callum realises he's not a good person, plagued by a bad history that haunts him simply because of the last name he carries. It's not like he's been a _Mitchell_ son for some years, but he always will be, he'll always have the very blood that runs through his veins.

And who said anything about love? It doesn't need to be.

He wants it, though, not badly but enough to make his heart squeeze at the loneliness.

Callum is good for him, but that'll change if they're anything more than friends, and the good will become the bad and he'll lose again.

But Callum, god. _He wants it,_ the ghost of his hands lingering on his skin even when he pulls the sheets up to his chin in bed, hand reaching out to the empty spot beside him.

Maybe. But it'll always be that.

A _maybe,_ a _could have been,_ just a simple dream only told through imagination.

If it's not real, it won't hurt. But if that's true, why does it hurt so much to leave Callum that way? To be with him and feel _so alive_ only to stumble at the next breath?

He closes his eyes, cursing himself as his phone pings on the bed beside him, left on the sheets after pulling his hair out, wanting to text an apology.

It's Callum. Always is. Always on his mind.

_Callum: [see you tomorrow :)]_

_Callum: [well, today]_

_Callum: [and thank you. For everything]_

Ben dreams of him. Maybe in another life they'll be more than just a maybe.


	11. damage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that this fic is mature, and it's gonna have mature themes and topics. just... fyi
> 
> <3

Ben's not happy. In fact, he's rather furious with himself. 

Nine times out of ten he's good at not getting attached, a casual fling just one time and then that's it. Hell, his whole life has been one single lesson about not trusting people, not giving over your heart so easily.

But Callum, he can't get him out of his head. Callum isn't even a fling, he's a friend, not someone he's pulled from a club or found on his app to have ten minutes of total blind ignorance. He'll cut them off if they want a second go, and sometimes he even lets himself trip over the second time if the guy had something about him, a hint of something more.

After the second time, that's it. His heart starts to open foolishly and he can't have that, to allow a stranger in and mix around until he's taken what he needs and leaves. Ben won't let them, being the one to cut them off so he somehow has some false sense of control.

Callum, he's in his head permanently now. Usually they'd be a bad stench or an annoying tick if it was some random guy, and Ben would simply move onto the next to get him off his mind. He can't do that with Callum, they're not even hooking up, just _mates that do_ _things that mates shouldn't do._

Then there's the dreaming. Ben must have every single minute dedicated to Callum, most of it blurred but he feels every single emotion from it, reeling from the loss of it when he wakes up.

Frankly, he doesn't want to wake up, staying in his own little paradise, the world where they _can_ be more than a maybe, and Ben feels awfully silly at hoping he'll go back there the next time he falls asleep.

It's bliss, what he manages to dream, and it makes a change from the nightmares. Callum holds him in ways he hasn't been held in years, promises that will never keep their weight, and _kissing him_ leaves an ache so deep in Ben's bones he can't lift his head from the pillow.

He wants it, so bad, and he's repeating it to himself every day in hopes it'll become boring and frustrate him to the point where he just gives up. But it doesn't help his own conscience when Callum hasn't given up on _Ben._ Even after all this, the awful shit he's put him through and digging away at his defenses only to unearth something Callum has feared all of his life — it's not fair.

Callum should walk away, forget him, move on and save Ben the exhaustion of trying to get over him. If Callum is the one to walk away, Ben won't stick around to try and fix things, making the cut off easier, and even if he'll go through hell trying to get the itch out of his skin, it's what he'll have to do.

Ben groans, sinking his face into the pillow, hugging it.

He's talking as if they're together. Friends break up all the time, the natural cycle of life, so why is Ben making it seem more than it is? And it's not like he can spend today convincing himself otherwise because he's meeting him later to get Pip, and his heart _can't wait_ to bully his emotions even more at the sight of Callum's smile.

Ben takes a cold shower and gets himself ready for the day after a few more minutes of staring into space. He needs to pick up Lexi, and she's always a light in his life that makes everything seem better.

But she's going to talk about Callum. _Callum Callum Callum._ Pip too, since they come in a pair, and Ben has the thought to text Lola and say he can't do it this week, but he can't do that to Lexi when she's already looking forward to it.

Ben is searching for a reason to tell himself no, that there's no reason for him to keep pulling at strings that have nothing attached at the end. It's a one way thing between him and Callum, and even if he's wrong, how will he ever know? It's not like Callum is itching to tell him about what happened with Whitney, how he feels about all of this.

Granted, it's none of his business, but he's _Ben_ and he's selfish. The more he likes someone, the more the prospect of never having them becomes a game. He'll fight while also keeping back, because no matter how much he wants something, there'll always be a whisper telling him that _he doesn't need anyone._

Even as he sits in his car, eyes front, he's taken back to this morning, how he held Callum's hand with such care when he spoke about why he left. Callum was tender, so distant yet so close, and then Ben had to go and complicate things by kissing his cheek, holding his head close as if somehow he'll hear how loud his thoughts are.

A complete stranger that happens to now be one of his closest friends, and Ben kissed his cheek as if they weresomething. Not family, but close enough. It doesn't make sense, looking back, but in the moment it felt right, as if it was the time to do it.

Ben can't get it out of his head, staring at the bonnet of his car and just wishing he could go back, change what happened, or even the opposite. Callum didn't exactly pull away or flinch in disgust. If anything, he leaned into it, wanting the comfort Ben was offering.

They could've kissed, once or twice, maybe a lot.

He wipes his hands down his face, mind heavy with images of Callum, a headache that he no longer wants the pain of.

Thoughts don't need to be a headache, and instead they can be something to look forward to, dreams and hopes that everyone has. Ben isn't that lucky sometimes.

He takes out his phone, swipes across until he finds an app that always helps numb headaches, the loneliness. There's no time, but he hopes that the anonymous names and the interest of someone else dulls the name that rings in his head like his own heartbeat.

It doesn't work. Stupidly, he feels guilty, as if he's cheating on his own heart. Ben throws his phone on the seat next to him, and that makes it even worse. Callum was sitting there not long ago, smiling and joking, speaking through eyes alone and nothing more.

Ben switches the engine on with more force than he needs to, kicking the car into drive and welcoming the noise. Even as he drives, he's reminded of Callum, mind lonely and playing games, a cold pocket of air to the left of him where Callum once was.

_Enough of that._

He arrives at Lola's in a foul mood, and she's about to ask why but Lexi is already bolting down the stairs with more energy than anyone should have at 8am.

Kneeling down to hug her, Ben looks up to Lola and sees the suspicion in her face; _what have you done now?_

Ben just looks away. He can't have anyone else drilling into him about Callum, not when he needs to ready himself for seeing him today. Lola probably knows anyway, always does when it involves his heart, they've known each other long enough.

If Ben doesn't want to talk about it, Lola doesn't either, but she's not one to leave it alone when it concerns her daughter's father.

_[Lola]: is this about Callum?_

Just reading his name is like no other. The short burst of happiness, and then the dread that follows after, knowing it's a conversation Ben will have to face some day. Lexi, beside him, notices the look on his face since the car hasn't moved. Lola sent it to him as they left.

"Dad?" Lexi says, holding her school bag on her lap. "You look sad." 

Ben turns to her, a small amount of disbelief on his face before smiling. It's forced, and he feels bad for lying to his own kid.

"I'm fine, princess," he places his phone away. "Just a little tired."

Lexi smiles, making sure her seatbelt is in properly as Ben sets off. 

"Are we seeing Callum again this week?" 

Something sharp strikes his chest, and Ben has to take a deep breath and ignore the pain, "It depends on how busy he is this week."

"Oh," she sounds so sad, and Ben feels the same sadness. "What if we visit him at work?"

That's not a bad idea, but the thought of just showing up where he works might spook him, considering Ben only found out from receiving a text notification when he had Callum's phone.

"Maybe," Ben replies, smiling at her. "It might cheer him up."

"Yeah!" Lexi claps her hands, looking out the window as familiar buildings surround them. School is close, and then Ben has to head off back home and wait for Callum to finish work.

Now the thought is there, Ben _does_ want to visit him at least once, just to see what it's like. But mostly, it's to see Callum, how happy he is in his element, dishing orders and creating masterpieces that should clearly be made in a restaurant of his own, not working as a head chef.

Perhaps that's something to talk about, Callum's future endeavours, or if he's happy enough just being who he is now, uncovering that bit more about himself. It was always there, anyway. Nothing else needs to change with it.

Ben kisses Lexi's forehead as he says goodbye to her, waving down the path as she makes her way into school. He's lucky to have her, lucky that she loves Ben as much as she does. No matter what Ben has going on; troubles of the heart or something else entirely, his main priority is and _always_ will be Lexi. His _family._

\- - -

After doing some grocery and general clean up at the garage, Ben is home. He's bored.

He has some time to waste. Ben's leg is bouncing, uncertainty poking him in the back as he sits there on his couch. His phone is beside him, the app right there, and it's always been easy to pick it up and call someone over.

Ben knows he can get what he wants, he's a good looking bloke with a charming smile to boot, and that mixed with whitty, taunting charm has almost everyone at his feet.

Except the one person he wants.

 _"Fuck,"_ Ben curses to himself, reaching for the phone and trying to swallow the guilt already blocking his throat.

He doesn't get far, thumb hovering over the app icon just as a text pops down from the top of the screen. Reading that name loosens every single knot of tension.

_[Callum, 14:34pm]: Hey Ben. I'm getting out of work early to make sure you can get Lexi on time for when she finishes school._

_[Callum]: I'll be there in like ten minutes?_

Oh god. _Oh god._

Too close for comfort. But that shouldn't even matter, right? It's not cheating on him, they're not dating. And no matter how many times he says that to himself it hurts even more that it's _not true._

With the app out of mind, still lingering for the chance to shine, Ben texts him back, standing up and realising he should look presentable. Not that he's trying to impress him or anything.

_[Ben]: Sure. See you soon._

Ben heads upstairs, changing into a nice shirt with buttons instead of something comfy like he was wearing for the school run.

He almost laughs at the reflection in the mirror, thinking to himself; _what on earth are you doing?_

He puts on some aftershave and heads back downstairs, plagued by the thought he wasn't even going to clean himself up for who ever he'd meet on that app. It was just going to be casual, numbing and nothing more, and it makes himself feel a little ill. 

Ben can hear Callum's car arrive at his house a little later, around six minutes. The road is easy to eat up in Callum's car, and the smile on Ben's face as he sees that familiar blue paint is the brightest it's been all day.

But when Callum steps out, waves at him and smiles, Ben feels his whole body go slack. His face softens, and every string in his chest starts to sound out of tune. He feels so complete yet so apart when Callum's around, and it unnerves Ben to feel this way about a guy he's only practically just met.

"Hey!" Callum says, all chipper, wide awake compared to the thundering storm he was wavering around in last week. A bird chirps in a tree beside Ben's house, singing along with others after.

"You look happy," Ben says as he locks the door, heading over to Callum, every step feeling heavy and light at the same time. It's so confusing. "Getting your best mate back?"

"Yeah, I've been thinking about it all day," Callum gets back in the car when Ben starts to head round to the passenger side. "I'm just hoping she doesn't hate me."

"Doubtful," Ben replies, closing the door as he settles down inside Callum's car. "She's like your right arm, ain't she?"

Callum smiles at that thought, and Ben curses himself for making him. He's not making it any easier on himself if he openly compliments Callum even if it doesn't seem like one. This day is going to be awful.

"Wait," Callum halts before pressing the engine ignition button, Ben looking over at him.

"What?"

"Is this your first time in a car while _I'm_ driving?"

Ben allows that question to sit longer than it needs to. He doesn't need to make him laugh, _or_ make a big deal out of it. It's not like Ben hates other people driving and allowing them control, nothing like that at all.

"And?"

Callum looks a little taken back, and if Ben isn't going to liven up, then he will, "Not gonna' be my driving instructor?"

Ben can't help but smile, but he chooses not to look at him, simply shaking his head and looking ahead at his own car. He should leave, drive on his own, keep a physical barrier between himself and Callum so the atmosphere isn't so charged.

"And why would I do that? Nothing worse than a backseat driver. Besides, I don't expect you to drift our way into the holiday home so I'm alright just enjoying it," Ben takes a moment to glance at him. Big mistake.

He's smiling, pressing the ignition, engine of the car drumming to life quicker than his own. One of Callum's hands is gripped to the wheel, and he stares for a moment longer than he should. 

"Just making sure I'm prepared for it," Callum starts reversing, moving his arm back, his and gripping onto the shoulder of Ben's chair so he can look out the window. 

Ben feels as if there's magnets, wanting to move closer so they touch, but his own heart repels him. 

"Thank you," Callum says, practically out of nowhere. "For last week. I don't think I ever apologised."

"I think you did," Ben replies, mourning the loss of their close proximity when Callum puts his hand back on the gears. They're leaving Ben's house on time without delay.

"But I want to do something, as a thank you. You know, like — take you out for a beer," Callum glances to him quick before shifting a gear. "Or I could cook tonight? We can go pick up Lexi after this, there's enough room in the back."

Ben must have hundreds of voices saying _no no no_ and he ignores every single one as if they're not there. He smiles, nodding.

"That sounds nice. I mean, if I can get head chef quality food in my own home and I don't even have to pay for it, who is gonna' say no to that?"

Callum chuckles, stopping for a red light, "That does it, then. We'll pick Pip up, then Lexi, then is it alright if we stop buy at a corner shop to get some stuff?"

"I went grocery shopping this morning, actually. Pretty much stocked the house," and he misses out the part where he was thinking about Callum the whole time. 

"Oh, then we can head straight back," Callum moves the car forward as the lights turn green, and Ben watches the scenery outside. 

"She's gonna' love seeing you," says Ben.

"Pip? You never know, she might've missed you more."

Laughing, Ben leans his head back, "I was on about Lexi."

That makes Callum pause, "really?"

"Yeah, and I hope you've stuck that drawing on your fridge." Ben's teasing, of course he is, but he hopes Callum has.

"Of course! First thing I did when I got home," he turns down another road, still nervous about Ben being in the car when he's driving. "I'll get Pip to sit next to it and I'll send you a picture."

"She'll love that," replies Ben, meeting Callum's eyes and smiling.

The rest of the journey is in mutual silence, Ben opening the window a little as the warmth of the day clings to his skin. It's a rather chill cruise, and as Callum switches on the radio, it's nice, just enjoying the trip without having to worry about control.

Callum doesn't need to know how much he hates letting go, allowing him to drive, but as the minutes go by, Ben is completely relaxed.

He closes his eyes for just a moment, and then the next time they open, Ben is face to face with a large, country house and dogs barking in a large field to the side of it.

"Wake up, sleepy," Callum says, laughing when Ben looks at him bewildered. "We're here."

Callum exits the car, and Ben follows after a few seconds of getting his bearings. The door is held open for him by Callum, and he smiles as a thank you instead of words as they step inside.

The old lady is there already, named Edith, greeting Callum with a smile on her face. She asks him how he is, if he's better, and Callum beams at the fact he can say, "yeah. Getting there, but mostly better."

"It's good to hear that you are, my dear. Shall we go see your gal?"

"Please," says Callum, all shy. "I've missed her."

And the lady smiles, holding his hand with both of hers and then gesturing towards the back door. Ben lingers around them, not sure what to say or do.

Callum holds it open for her, and as they step back outside into the sun, he takes a moment to watch Pip running around with the other dogs, a spring in her step.

"Wow," Callum says, and Ben looks up to him in question. "She usually can't stand other dogs."

"She's warmed up a lot since being here," the woman says, chuckling to herself as she adjusts her glasses, looking towards Pip as she tumbles over into the grass, a pair of labradors following her. "They're all rescue dogs, the ones I keep here. She probably found equal comfort in them."

Callum's heart is warm, even more warm when Pip spots him across the field. Her ears shoot up, except the floppy one, and then she's _bounding_ towards them, barking as she goes.

He falls to his knees, accepts the barreling dog that collides with him and hugs Pip like it's their last. Callum laughs as she starts to lick anywhere she can, and the Edith beside them turns to look at Ben.

Ben is smiling, fondly, a rare occurrence for a man who holds steel so close to his hearr. But this, Callum basically on the floor as Pip tackles him, he can't help it. Callum is an abundance of happiness, and Ben wants to cling to it, to never let go.

"A family reunited!" Edith says, and her hands clap together when Callum can finally sit up, Pip falling onto his lap in a huff. 

"Thank you, for looking after her," Callum raises his gaze to her, and the woman just smiles and nods. She understands.

And when he stands up, Callum speaks up again, "Oh! I have something for you," he quickly excuses himself, back into the house and back out towards the car.

In this shared time, Edith looks at Ben, noticing the little, careful scratches he does behind Pip's ear.

"Tell him," she says, and Ben blanks at her.

"Sorry?"

"Tell him," gesturing to the door, Ben catches on.

"I don't know what you mean," he laughs, but there's nerves clinging to the sound.

"I've been alive long enough to see it," Edith takes a step forward, pats his cheek, and Ben is reminded of his grandmother. "You need to accept happiness a little more, don't you?"

Ben doesn't know what she's getting at, but as Callum arrives, the moment is gone. Callum is beaming as he passes a cake case towards Edith.

"You said you wouldn't accept payment so I did something else," Pip watches the exchange, licking her muzzle. "Cherry vanilla sponge — that's your favourite isn't it?"

"So that's why you asked," she laughs, hand on her heart. "Oh, Callum, thank you so much."

"Thank you for giving her a home when I couldn't," he replies, and Edith smiles, a little teary.

"The world needs more of you, Callum. It really does."

Ben agrees in silence, hands still in his pockets. He keeps Pip by his side while the two talk, and as Callum takes the cake inside for her, Ben can't stop thinking about what she said.

He's still thinking about it when they arrive at Lexi's school, Pip squeezing her nose between Callum's headrest and the window frame to see her.

 _"Pip!"_ cheers Lexi, school bag swinging on her shoulders as she runs to the car. Pip's tail wags so much it makes a draft on Ben's shoulders.

Callum steps out so he can put his seat forward, allowing Lexi to sit in the back, "you, Dad and Pip all came to pick me up!"

"Yep, and he's cooking dinner," Ben looks towards Callum as he gets back in, shutting the door with a thump. Callum smiles, one just for Ben.

Lexi gasps again, legs swinging in her excitement, _"He is?_ Callum! You're the best!"

And at that Callum laughs and turns to Ben, "See? I'm the best."

Ben grunts and nudges him, trying hard to ignore him and look away, but he can't when he's smiling so bright, Pip's head resting on the shoulder of Ben's chair.

"Are we all ready?" asks Callum, and the group all reply positively, Ben just mumbling a _yes,_ pretending to still be annoyed.

Callum loves it.

Ben loves it too.

\- - -

Lexi asks Callum about all the dishes he makes at the restaurant, eyes gleaming with fascination. She hangs on to his every word, idly fussing Pip as she falls asleep in the back.

And of course, Ben tries to look as if he isn't interested, but trying to prove that only makes him listen in even more. Lexi, the angel that she is, makes Ben join the conversation, asking about whether or not he wants to eat there someday.

Unfortunately, she asks the question at a red light, so Callum has no choice but to glance Ben's way for an answer. He just shrugs, smirking at Callum, easy to put on, "Can't be all that, can it?"

Callum shakes his head, smiles, and tells Lexi that they also serve an abundance of desserts that she'll love. Ben smiles out the window, listening to the two of them talk because he wouldn't mind having this forever, a life that doesn't fall around how fast he moves but how close he keeps his loved ones.

He zones out, thinking about it, and before long there's a tap on his arm from Callum. They're back at Ben's house.

As Callum steps out and pushes his seat forward, Lexi and Pip jump out, the two of them already running off the field.

"Lexi!" Ben says as he steps out, raising his voice a little so she can hear. "School bag inside first, don't want it getting muddy!"

"Okay!" She replies, running inside as Ben opens the door, Pip following her as the loyal companion she is. Callum sort of mingles in close proximity to Ben, not sure what to do until the kitchen opens up beside him in Ben's large house.

And already, he's searching the cupboards, in his element. Ben takes a second to watch him, amused by how Callum seems to linger on certain things before deciding he doesn't need them, and then before long going back to them anyway.

Lexi is talking to Pip on her way back downstairs, her scarf dragging behind her and a wooly hat sitting on her head. Ben coos at her, kneeling down to make sure the hat is covering her ears. It's gone rather cold outside.

"Are you coming too?" She peers up at Ben with eyes to match Pip's, and Ben finds it hard to say no.

"I have to help Callum find everything," and it's with that Callum turns around and says otherwise.

"I got this," he says, a smile on his face as he wiggles a bag of flour. "Go have fun."

Ben keeps his eyes on Callum, they _both_ keep looking until Lexi is pulling his coat sleeve towards the door. Callum finally looks away, pausing momentarily, and then gets back to finding ingredients moments later.

That look. It has to mean _something._

 _"Dad!_ Come on!" Lexi tugs again at his coat, and Ben muffles an _okay okay_ as they shuffle out of the door. Pip launches into a sprint, somehow still full of energy as the two catch up.

Callum smiles as he sets out on deciding what to make. There's a lot here, and Callum is full of ideas, and somehow he feels as if he needs to impress Ben. It's pointless, really, when he's already a head chef at a rather well respected restaurant. Callum wouldn't have that title for nothing.

But as Ben and Lexi find a stick for Pip to play fetch with, he smiles out of the window towards them, and for a moment Ben looks back, wonder in his eyes.

He looks away, has to, and Callum is reminded of how much it keeps being like this. Subtle glances, the silent words and the promises kept between them that they don't understand. It's all too much, too soon, and Callum wants to hide away equally as much as he wants to welcome it closer.

So he busies himself, concentrating on cooking something worthwhile, homemade. He gets so distracted by it that he doesn't notice Ben coming back into the house around twenty minutes later, looking at him from afar and hoping that somehow Callum will talk to him.

Ben shrugs away the doubt, smiling as he starts to undo his coat, throwing it over the chair.

"How long is this gonna' be?" Ben questions, looking over the various pastry cutters dashed across the side. 

Callum's apron is covered in flour, rolling out his own mixture in order to make pasties. "Not long."

The gentle mood of the light above them is rather warm, the dull barking of Pip outside and Lexi's laughs along with them. It feels awfully domestic, and Ben closing in on his space rattles something deep in Callum's core.

"You gonna' show me some tricks?" Asks Ben, unsure where to step but knowing he wants to be close.

"Why? Lexi keep hammering on about how bad you are?" Callum looks over his shoulder, meeting Ben's eyes. He doesn't miss how Ben looks down to his lips for a moment.

"Nah. Just a bonding exercise. Always wanted to learn how to make these," Ben turns away, calming the storm of his heart by pretending to be interested in the various other bits of food. "So? What do I do, _chef?"_

Callum laughs, taking a step closer to Ben so he can teach him. He sets out a board, moving the pastry over, shoulders brushing together as Ben tries to keep his eyes on the pastry and not Callum.

This was a bad idea. Ben's whole focus is now on Callum's hands, and those very hands were awfully vivid in his dream this morning. His stomach warms, and Callum being right next to him doesn't help in the slightest.

Instructions are fed to him and Ben does his best to follow, but he keeps messing up, lingering on Callum's hands and how he does things, gesturing as he talks, the little cut on his knuckle—

Ben stops what he's doing.

"Is that—?"

"What?" Callum pauses, not sure what he means.

"This," Ben hesitates, but then takes his hand, brushing his thumb over the pale pink scar, directly over his knuckle. This is from the club. "It never healed?"

Callum looks a little somber, taking his hand away and inspecting it, "No, it didn't." 

Ben feels hatred for himself prick like a thorn over his skin, but it dampens when Callum smiles. It's not real, though, plagued with sadness and bad memories.

"It's not the worst one," Callum says, and for a moment, catches the worried glance Ben directs his way. "Story for another day, right?"

Ben nods, seeing how rigid he's gone and turns back to the pastry.

Callum falls back into teaching mode quickly, avoiding as much contact as he can, but Ben is struggling with the folding because his pastry keeps breaking. The atmosphere feels different to what it was before, as if they've both been reminded of what they could be if they try.

"Here," Callum moves so that he's partially behind him, Ben's back warm against his chest, leaning over his shoulder to take his hand. "Like this."

But Ben is too focused on how warm his hands are, swallowing the rock in his throat as Callum practically talks into his ear.

"Easy, right?" He speaks so softly, so careful.

_Nothing about this is easy._

Ben has to remember to breathe, and Callum must feel the way he does.

Ben puts on a fake smile, "Yeah, it is when you're a chef."

Callum laughs, and it's so detailed that Ben is reminded of the dream, how Callum was next to him on the pillow, laughing at some sort of joke.

And that's when Ben kissed him. Ben has the silly thought of doing it now, but it'll ruin the moment, and Callum still hasn't opened up about Whitney and everything that happened that week.

There's a cold spot behind him when Callum leaves his side, and Ben almost acts on instinct to follow after him, to seek that warmth again.

"Maybe we can do this more often," says Callum, placing the three pastries on a tray and putting them in the oven. "I know my day job is cooking but, I do love it, and doing it with other people is… well, enjoyable."

"Speaking of that," Ben leans against the side, unaware of the flour on his face as he distracts himself with cleaning up. "Lexi said she wanted to come visit the restaurant one day, as you know. Is that— is that okay?"

"Yeah? Of course she can— oh," Callum starts to smile when he turns to look at Ben, the type that crinkles his eyes, and the type that makes Ben yearn. "You have flour on your cheek."

"I do?" Ben tries to hide his face, dipping his head as he brushes both hands across each cheek, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Is it gone?"

Callum huffs, which means it isn't, "Here. It's tricky to get off." He dabs a towel in some water, and as Callum turns around, Ben is still trying to get it off, "You'll irritate your skin if you do that."

Ben grunts, decides it's not worth it and allows Callum to dab at his face with the wet cloth. But even after he puts it down, he's not done, brushing his thumb over Ben's cheek to get rid of some of the moisture.

And Ben, well, let's just say a small act of touch and affection is enough to break his heart. He doesn't get much of it, and to have Callum thinking about something as small as that, he almost falls to his knees and begs Callum to love him.

It's silly, really, how much Ben is pining for him after such little time. Maybe he's just met the wrong people, suffered under his father's steel boot too much to care about others, to take a step back and allow the good to step forward.

"All gone," Callum's voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and Ben gives a quick smile to end their little exchange.

"Cheers. I'll go check on Lexi," and before Callum can speak after him, Ben is grabbing his coat and heading to the field out back.

\- - -

The night goes smoothly. Lexi sits next to Callum, in awe of how good the food is and asking for more. It hurts to deny her, but with the clock ticking later and later, she's sleepy, falling to slumber against Callum's side.

Ben mentally takes a picture, heart warm and in bloom. It feels so amazing to have Callum like this, close and comforting to the point where he wishes _he_ was in Lexi's position, against his side with his arm around him.

Biting back the thought, Ben stands up, smiling at Callum as he shifts, reading clearly that Ben wants to take her to bed. Callum watches as Ben lifts her, sitting her in his arms with her head on his shoulder. Callum feels his chest expand, hand on top of it to stop the ache.

Ben talks to her on the way upstairs, Lexi mumbling back, and even though Callum can't hear it, it makes him equally hopeful of having more of this. More — _home,_ more feeling as if he belongs somewhere, with _someone._

Callum watches the static mumble of some boring game show while he zones out, moving his arms out to rest them on the back of the sofa. Ben doesn't appear for a while, and Callum thinks he's probably making sure she's tucked in, reading a little story or making one up, switching on the night light if she still has one.

Callum can see he's a good father. Better than he ever had.

As he hears the creak of one of the stairs, Callum looks towards him, seeing that he's tossed out the shirt he was wearing for a black hoodie.

"Off like a light," whispers Ben, eyes landing back on Callum, arms spread on the sofa. 

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, she wanted to ask me to say thank you to you," and those very words alight something in Callum. They're not from Ben explicitly, but it's probably the only time he'll hear them.

He nods, "Of course. She's adorable."

Ben hums to himself, a smile on his lips as he stands there for a moment.

Callum searches for something to say.

"The restaurant has a theme going on the next week you have her, and I guess that's every other week?"

"Sure is." says Ben.

"Then she's welcome to come that week, if you want?"

Ben looks partly offended, joking as he perches himself on the armchair beside Callum, "Oh, so I'm not a guest of honour?"

"No, why would that be?" Callum smiles as Ben shakes his head. "Just because I'm inviting you doesn't mean I'm paying for it."

"Excuse me?" Ben looks down at him. "That car outside says otherwise. It'll be a few months before races cover that thing."

"Wow," clicking his tongue, Callum doesn't miss how Ben's eyes fall over his torso while he's sat like this. "Can't even support my career. What kind of friend are you?"

"The horrible kind," Ben doesn't even take a moment to say it, just believes it.

They don't say much in the silence, Ben's fingers playing with the lining inside the pockets of his hoodie. If he didn't hold some form of self control or borderline distaste and distrust in himself, he'd be sitting on Callum's lap right now and wrapping his arms around his neck.

He looks good _— more_ than good sitting like that. Ben has to swallow back the thought of it, turning his smile sweet. 

"Can I show you something?"

Callum frowns a little, unsure where this is going, "Sure? Not stealing my car again are you?"

Ben snorts, "No. 'Course not. Why'd you always assume the worst anyway?"

He shrugs on the way out of the door, "best to prepare myself for it. Can never know what the next day brings."

Ben becomes awfully silent at that, and Callum gains more worry from it, expecting a cheeky or sarcastic reply, but Ben's shoulders tense.

There's a good reason why. He could be risking their entire relationship here when it's already balancing on a thin thread. They're only together in friend terms for the sake of the car and Lexi. This, what they're venturing into is a lot more complicated.

It involves feelings. Connections. That's where it gets messy.

But Callum didn't expect _this._

Ben pushes open a door as they reach the other side of Ben's property, a barn hidden behind an old oak tree. It's placed past his own car and Callum's, flicking a switch once he's inside and Callum has barely made it there before cold washes over him.

The door is wide open as Ben slides it across, revealing what's inside.

"That's my—"

"Your car," Ben replies, voice on the shaky side. His hands are still in his pockets, shoulders tense, looking between the car and Callum.

"You said you got rid of it," Callum walks in, shutting the door to stop the cold breeze and takes it all in.

The room is small, a garage door in the back, just enough room to comfortably walk around and posters on the walls from years back. It's a neat workshop, and Ben gestures with his head towards a pinboard beside him.

"I was, but the thing is," he prods his finger against a picture on that very board. Callum walks closer, inspecting it, "this is what it's meant to look like."

_Oh._

It's a classic version of Ben's car. The generation that set the foundation, and the scrap heap next to them is proof the previous owner before Callum didn't know that.

Callum is practically speechless, turning back to his car and placing a hand on the roof, the paint rusted. It feels awfully tough against his fingertips, and Callum can't think of what to say when their entire timeline of knowing one another is based on these four wheels.

It makes everything more real, more grounded. This is how far they've come, and yet it's only the start.

"I thought you'd be angry," Ben says, sounding a little lost beside him, hand moving over the rusted silver framing of the driver's window.

"I— don't know what to think. I was settled on the idea that what we are is the new norm. I didn't think I'd ever see this thing again," Callum doesn't have any attachment to it, but it feels awfully like having part of him back, a memory of their first day, no matter how weird and jaded that might feel.

This is them. Ben and Callum. Rusted wheels and paint not really doing anything. Barely held together.

"No more lies, right?" Well, except the big one. Ben can't afford that, or his heart can't.

"What do you plan to do with it?" Callum places his focus on Ben, promptly ignoring his question.

"The plan initially was spare parts, but I noticed the night I brought it back that it wasn't just a rust bucket. Had a seal by the driver's seat, authentication of the model and date," he laughs, shrugging. "Didn't quite believe it. It's part of why I tried to find you, give your phone back. If you knew what this was then you would've wanted it back."

Callum remains quiet, looking back to the car. It's a silent question.

_What now?_

"I was gonna' ask you if you want to work on it with me. A project." Ben's been thinking about it ever since he first came over and agreed to be friends. Now, he has the chance to ask.

Callum beams, a little shocked, "Yeah?"

"Yeah. If you want to." Ben smiles back, warmth blooming in his chest.

"I'd love to," Callum turns back to the car, tapping the hood with two fingers. "It'll be fun, and I haven't done this before but I'm willing to learn."

"Or you can just make the food and watch me work," Ben winks as Callum looks his way.

"Don't ruin it, will you?"

\- - -

Torture. This whole thing is torture.

Callum texts him, visits him every night at the house while Lexi is there and they cook dinner. Ben only invites him so they can start planning the build project, buying parts from the internet and choosing paint and decals. It's a long way away from that stage, but pinning up the plan in that small workshop gives them a goal.

Ben smiles at him when he turns back around, and Callum smiles at him, a warmth to it Ben hasn't seen before.

His skin itches, remembering how close Callum was to him when scrolling through the laptop, nudging him and making jokes, squeezing him when he gets all excited about what's to come.

Ben is borderline about to give in. He might just say _fuck it_ and kiss him, but as he waves Callum goodbye that Friday night, Ben slices open that hope of Callum Highway in favour of fire in his throat.

He's been thinking about it all week — about _him._

It needs to stop. 

Saturday night, Ben heads to his club. He's sent an invite out on social media that it'll be a night of free drinks for one hour only. The club is _alive,_ people everywhere as the music flows through every object in the building.

Ben smiles from the balcony, the exact spot where he was with Callum that one night. The mirror is gone, Ben deciding not to replace it, but the memory is still there and he can't ignore it. 

But the alcohol helps, numbing every thought except to make this night forgettable. He's searching the crowd, spotting a few couples, a few people _meant_ to be a couple and eyeing other people without the other suspecting anything. It's amusing, watching how their lives outside of this club merge for one night, breaking or coming together. 

Ben broke Callum that night, forced him over the edge, and Ben still feels how scared he was when Callum stepped back and realised what he'd done. And then remembering that makes Ben fall victim to the memory that followed, and then the one last week, and Ben spirals until he's downing the rest of his beer, fire in his throat.

He plonks the empty bottle on a table, choosing to walk downstairs with pride in his steps, even though he doesn't feel any. There's stubble on his chin, his best white shirt on his shoulders and cologne that's a bit sweet and strong at the same time. Heads turn, but Ben doesn't have the energy nor time to give them any attention, whereas any other day before Callum, he'd be soaking it all up.

Arriving at the bar, he orders a drink. It's on the house of course.

He catches someone familiar, or he thinks he does, but the guy next to him smiles and looks him up and down. _He_ wouldn't do that.

The guy looks nothing like Callum, but he's tall, brown hair with a lighter tone, slight scruff and eyes a dull blue. He's nothing like him, but if Ben closes his eyes, he wouldn't need to think that.

 _That's a dumb idea_ rings in his head, and Ben takes his drink and walks away before he does anything he'll regret.

But Ben never listens to rules, and usually it's his own that he'll follow, a strict set of them, and yet he seems to be failing them whenever Callum is around or on his mind. Callum is irritating him when he's not even here, and that's why he does something stupid.

Something he's going to regret.

He speaks to the guy later, warms up to him when their smile seems a little too sweet, and Ben is inviting him home before the guy can order his second drink.

Ben avoids his lips when he kisses him, pushes the guy's coat off his shoulders when they stumble through the front door. He kicks the door shut with his foot, breaking apart to lead the guy upstairs.

Every step he takes becomes heavier, guilt riddling every part of him, but Ben doesn't care when the guy is over him.

It doesn't last long, the bliss that Ben feels without Callum on his mind, because it all comes back when it's over. They're both doing this to forget.

Well, Ben lied. The guy just broke up with ex, and Ben said he's going through the same but he doesn't even _have one,_ completely lost on some guy that has no idea.

He shouldn't have done this, and he lays there with more thoughts of Callum than he did at the start of the day. If only he knew how to control his heart, so desperate to be loved in a rough world that's never allowed him happiness. Ben always fears the next trip, the next downfall, and this time Ben is creating his own.

Ben sits up, head in his hands as the sound of snores travel through his room. He can't even kick him out, too desperate for company, hoping that the guilt of being with this guy drowns out the rest of what he's thinking.

His phone buzzes on the table, and Ben grabs it before he tells himself not to.

Ben feels sick, wanting to cry at the picture he's been sent.

A selfie, Pip and Callum, Lexi's drawing on the fridge behind them pinned with a _Wales_ magnet. Callum has his arm around Pip, and she's smiling at the camera, if dogs can even do that.

Ben smiles, saving it, thumb moving over the screen until he notices the caption.

_Forgot to send this to you, hope it cheers her up! And you, if you want. :)_

_Fuck._ He's so far gone.

Placing the phone against his forehead, he sighs. How the hell does he do this? He can't force him out of his life when Lexi adores him, and they can't be just friends if Ben has feelings for him.

Are they feelings, though? Or is it just Ben craving affection, the touch of someone that actually cares instead of just blind heat?

He slumps his shoulders, head back as he closes his eyes. The snoring has stopped, and the deep voice that doesn't even know Ben's name speaks up.

"That him?"

Ben doesn't reply, fazeless as the guy kisses at his shoulder.

"Ah," he says anyway, looking down at the picture illuminating Ben's screen. "He's cute."

Ben locks his phone, chucks it to the floor and turns, pushing the guy away so he can start to think about sleeping.

He stares at the guy's back for the longest time before he falls asleep, ignoring how cold it feels even as he pulls the sheets up to his chin. This isn't Ben. He takes pride in this, picking up guys, taking them home and being a permanent mark in their memory while Ben plucks them from his brain like petals on a rose.

But he can't remove Callum. He doesn't even know what he is, perhaps a friend that treats him so well he's foolishly falling for him.

And again, the dreams come back, this time with Callum laying there, a smile on his face until the dreams blur to nothing.

Part of him doesn't want to let go, to give up. He said he'd wait, and even though Ben isn't patient, knowing what he did tonight and why he did it feels bad. Maybe he's just off balance, surprised with how weird this all is, with Callum now being a close friend after taking his car.

He'll be over it in a week.

At least, that's what he hopes.

\- - -

It's all hazy, broken sleep interrupted by his own annoying thoughts. Ben doesn't feel like he's managed to sleep at all when there's a knock at his door, one he hears again a minute later.

He's bitterly reminded of his hangover and the weight rolled onto him. The guy from last night, still here and snoring as if the world can't hear him. _No wonder his ex broke up with him._

Ben pushes him aside, hoping he'll excuse himself soon and puts on some shorts before heading downstairs. Honestly, who even knocks at his door at 6AM? That's what the kitchen clock says as he walks past, rubbing his eyes, trying to calm the sting of his headache.

He grabs the door handle, pulling it with force and ready to speak his mind when every bone in his body suddenly feels fractured.

It's Callum.

"Uh, morning," Callum says, scratching at his neck, realising Ben is very much just in boxers.

Ben doesn't know what to say, lips open to speak but nothing is coming out. He's spent all of last night trying to forget Callum, and yet Callum is right here on his doorstep at 6AM.

Callum is about to laugh, looking down quickly before he stops, eyes over Ben's shoulder. Ben swears he can see the blue drain from his eyes, and the noise behind him signals the worst.

Looking behind him, Ben pales at the guy standing there, wrapped in his dressing gown and waving at Callum, "Hey, ex guy."

"Oh," says Callum, half broken, half confused. "This is a bad time, then."

Ben watches him smile, but he's all too familiar with that kind. The broken one, forced to seem fine but on the inside it burns to lie. Callum doesn't lie, said he wouldn't anymore, but he's lying with his smile right now.

"Hope you, uh — had a good night." 

Only someone like Callum would say that, and it rattles Ben's lungs, almost gasping as Callum turns away and heads back to his car.

"Callum, wait," Ben says, and he can't step out, blocked by the thought that tells him not to chase, to let him go.

As Callum puts the car in gear and drives away, Ben mourns the sound of the engine that becomes faint in the distance, and he shoves the door closed with more force than needed.

"He seemed happy to see you until I turned up," the stranger says, smirking as Ben glares at him. "Is this a rebound or are you trying to make him jealous?"

Ben's had enough, "Leave."

"Didn't say that last night," and if this guy _wants_ to annoy Ben, he's doing a good job. "You didn't even tell me to go, and if I remember right, behind my hangover, you _clinged to me."_

"Get _out,"_ Ben feels fire in his veins. _"Now —_ before I ban you from my club entirely."

The guy laughs, rolling his eyes, "Damn. You _are_ hung up on that guy."

Ben doesn't allow him anymore fuel, sitting himself at the island, nursing a glass of water as the guy heads upstairs to grab his stuff. When he comes back down, Ben glances at him, understanding why he did it, why he slept with him, but maybe that's just his ego trying to patch up the holes.

"Another time?"

"In your dreams," Ben all but yawns the words, disinterested, not having one shed of respect for him. "You're just another guy. That's all you'll be."

For a moment, the guy looks offended, as if his ego clashes with Ben's, and Ben won out. 

Clicking his tongue, the guy leaves without another word, and somehow Ben thinks he tripped a nerve by saying that. He did mention always being a rebound, and Ben _always_ tucks away the weak parts people give away to use them later, and this is fine.

This is what he does. This is Ben.

Maybe it worked, having a night of ecstasy, pushing away Callum, speaking venom and feeling the satisfaction of crushing another heart between his fingers.

But Callum. He's reminded of him again, awfully sober at the thought of how — _lost_ he appeared to be. As if standing there, seeing Ben in barely anything, accompanied by a stranger with clear evidence of what the night held, it shattered something so fragile and new in Callum that he couldn't stomach another second of it.

So Callum walked away, and Ben stupidly hopes he walks back. 

He's fucked it up. Already.

But isn't that what he wanted? To cut ties? Keep this thing that's one sided between Ben and Callum completely business and appearance related? 

That's true, but he also wants more, and Ben sinks to the floor at the side of his bed after making his way upstairs again. Callum promises so much happiness and Ben would rather bully himself into avoiding it, trying to find it in strangers and nightly whispers in his ear.

A leopard can't change its spots. Ben cant change himself, no matter how pure and full of innocence Callum seems to be.

Ben takes his phone from the ground where he last dropped it, noticing missed messages. They're all from Callum, his cheery tone evident in mere pixels.

_[Callum, 5:46AM]: You up? Can't sleep._

_[Callum, 5:55AM]: I'm guessing you're asleep. So, I'm going to come surprise you. Well, I want to talk about things, and you showing me that spot the other day made me think._

_[Callum]: I'm on my way. Please don't hate me for waking you up this early. The park is quiet at this time and it's the usual time I go. I'll buy you a beer even though you still owe me one._

Ben almost crushes his phone. He flings it to the other side of the room, pushing his hands into his face as if it'll help any of the pain coursing through his head, collective heavy pulses that spin and spin until Ben just shuts down.

He was going to talk to him. Open up.

And what did Ben do? Get drunk and sleep with a stranger to get over him. It's almost uncanny how it makes him laugh, how this is so _Ben_ that he's keeping his promise to Callum from last week.

_Just be Ben, that's all._

Ben closes his eyes, feeling the sting but not allowing it to overcome him. He'll suffer through this if he has to, he has to find a way.

There's a feeling he can't shake, though. A feeling that he'll always come back to Callum, no matter how long the road is.


	12. our dynasty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw - mentions of grief and loss

"There you are," Whitney places down a fresh mug of hot chocolate, remembering that's pretty much the only beverage he drinks if he has the choice.

"Thanks, Whit," Callum smiles her way as she sits down opposite him, and Whitney sends one back.

Kathy's cafe has a small, friendly buzz to it. He's been here a few times, mostly in this exact circumstance with Whitney. It's where they were first introduced, friends and gatherings of friends, and then when they were dating. This place has seen every step of their relationship, and Callum doesn't feel awkward about any of it.

Whitney still talks to him, they meet every now and then when Ben isn't in the picture. She seems happy, but Callum can still see the hurt in her eyes, and he just hopes with time she can forgive him.

Granted, she's already said she has, one night last week after he came home from Ben's, sitting on his doorstep and asking to talk.

They laughed for a good hour before she went home, hugging him with security, and Callum kissed her forehead before she left. Just because they ended the way they did doesn't mean Callum can forget what they had. He does love her, just not in the way she needed, what they _both needed._

Who even defines what love is, anyway?

"So," she says, taking a sip of her tea. "Fill me in."

And Callum does, explains about Ben, what happened on Saturday night — well, it was technically Sunday morning. He also goes over what happened when Ben came to pick up the keys, because he didn't. He never turned up.

_[Ben, Sunday, 21:43pm]: Using my car today. No need to stay up._

"I spent the whole night feeling guilty."

"What? For walking in on his own habits?" Whitney sighs, never having forgotten how much Callum reaches and takes the blame so others don't have to.

"It was my fault not waiting for a reply back," Callum frowns as he twists the small coin on the table from his change. "They could've been in the middle of it for all I know."

"Callum," Whitney says, stern, and Callum closes his eyes and sinks a little more into the booth of the chair.

"Sorry. Just — I know he does this all the time, he jokes about it, but then I see it for real and I don't know what to do," he taps his fingers against the mug. "I don't even understand why it bothers me so much."

It's probably too early to say it, but Callum looks lost and conflicted. He needs to clear his head, answer questions he's too afraid to ask himself.

"Do you like him?"

Callum feels his chest tighten, "No," he replies, finding it hard to look at Whitney when he says it. "We're just mates."

"He's the only gay guy you know, maybe start going out if you're ready, meet some new people and explore a bit before you buckle down with _Ben Mitchell_ of all people," she laughs, and Callum can't help but laugh too.

"He's not all bad."

"Oh, not _all?"_ Whitney laughs again.

"Alright, he's tolerable," and that prompts Callum to remember the past. From the sweet smiles of when he's with Lexi to the venomous words at the club. He's a mixed bag of wolves, all wanting to lead. "I think he's been running for half of his life, maybe all of it."

"What do you mean by that? He's practically royalty if he comes back here," Whitney takes another sip of her drink, watching the way Callum stares completely at his own mug of chocolate, almost as if it's going to give him answers.

"Doesn't mean there's not pain following him," Callum doesn't speak directly to Whitney, and in fact, he's saying it to himself like he wants to give Ben a chance.

"Wow," she shakes her head, laughing to herself as Callum looks blankly towards her. "You do, don't you?"

"What?"

"Like him," and she doesn't miss the little smile before Callum sips his hot chocolate.

And he's saved by the bell, _literally,_ as the door to the cafe rings and Chantelle walks in. Whitney looks over Callum's shoulder towards her, waving with a smile that Chantelle notices a second later.

"Hey!" She says, sitting down in the seat next to Callum. 

Callum, for one, has no idea what's going on. But when he looks to Whitney, then back to Chantelle, there's something there for sure.

"Are we ready to go?" Chantelle asks, arms crossed onto the table, giving a small smile at Callum as they exchange a small _hi._

"Yeah, was just catching up with Callum," Whitney takes a quick sip as Chantelle turns to Callum again.

"Oh? Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Callum swallows the obvious, hiding it on the outside with his signature warm smile.

"He's got boy troubles," Whitney coos as she says it, and Callum closes his eyes.

Chantelle already knows about Callum, seeing as every time Callum has bumped into Whitney, Chantelle isn't far behind. She asked if she could say something, and Callum trusts her enough to say yes, and now Callum is surrounded by two people he considers close friends.

"Aw, _please_ don't," he shakes his head as Whitney laughs. Either way, he's glad they're on such good terms, even now. "It's not _boy trouble."_

Chantelle nudges him, both of them laughing. Callum just tries to change the subject.

"What are you two doing anyway? Ready for what?"

"Oh!" Whitney lights up, Chantelle equally so as they share a glance. "Chantelle is helping me model some of my new designs. The new website should be up soon and I need a beauty such as herself to give me a head start!"

"Beauty?" Chantelle rolls her eyes, "I don't think so."

"I know so."

Callum swallows his hot chocolate quite loudly in the silence. He looks between them as they talk, noticing the smiles and the looks that speak so much more to an outsider. Smiling to himself, Callum notices how happy Whitney looks, reaching for Chantelle's hand when she compliments one of the new designs.

Ten minutes later, they're leaving.

"Well, Callum, you take care of yourself!" Chantelle squeezes his hand before standing up, pushing her chair in and ordering herself a coffee on the way out.

Whitney shares a shy smile with Callum, and he just winks. 

"I'm not saying anything," he jokes, and Whitney slaps his shoulder as she reaches his side.

"Go have some fun, Callum. Don't get caught up in a guy who can't give you the time of day."

Callum's expression falls, thinking. 

Should he? Could he basically _do a Ben_ and go have fun? It's not in his nature, and frankly, he hasn't stopped thinking about Ben ever since he first met him that fated night. 

Whitney kisses the top of his head, squeezes his shoulder as they exchange a smile as a goodbye instead of words.

Callum smiles, expression solemn as he picks at the ceramic on the mug.

He already knows. Once Callum's heart is set, the only way he can let go is to break it.

\- - -

_WEDNESDAY_

"Chef," a rather small lad, nowhere near Callum's height dressed in a suit and waistcoat enters the kitchen.

Callum is carefully dressing a dessert plate when he finally turns to the guy, smiling, but it falters when the waiter doesn't look very happy.

"Davis? What's happened?"

"One of the customers," he gestures back towards the door he walked through. "They're complaining about their meal and wanted to talk directly to you."

 _Oh._ Well, this hasn't happened before. 

He feels alright today, no distant thoughts to the guy he won't name, and he's had a good, full eight hours sleep. But is he off his game? Did he slip up and daydream when he should be focused on the job? It plagues Callum, and his hands start to become cold.

The last thing he wants is to make people unhappy, because one of the main reasons he loves cooking is to give those smiles through the love of food. If he's slipping, then Callum can't meet that.

Granted, it's just this one person during the time he's been here, but his life hasn't exactly been _normal_ lately with everything so off balance.

He says to tell the customer that he'll be out soon, and finishes plating up the desserts for table six, a slight shake to his hands that makes some of the presentation difficult. He calls for service, placing his apron aside as the other cooks pick up where Callum left off.

Pushing the doors open, he smiles at the customers, some of them regulars that thank Callum for the lovely food. But he doesn't soak up the praise as he usually would, knowing there's someone out there that _doesn't_ like his food.

As he approaches the table Davis mentioned, Callum goes pale at the face he sees.

_Ben._

He's twirling his fork on an empty plate, eyes down into his wine glass, lost in silent thought. Callum thinks he looks lonely, and has the thought to turn around, head back to the kitchen and just say it's a friend pranking him.

The _good_ in Callum decides against it, stepping the remaining distance and feels a tingle fizz over the skin of his shoulders and neck when they meet eyes.

Ben is smiling now, fork clinging against the plate as he places it down.

"Why are you here?" Callum asks, keeping his voice down even though Ben picked a far away table, distant to the other customers pleasantly enjoying their meals and beverages.

"To enjoy some food," Ben says, expression perplexed. "Why else?"

Callum sighs, trying to keep calm, "You didn't have to come here."

"And what if I am here? You gonna' kick me out?" His smile is taunting now, not gentle like it was the first few seconds of eye contact.

"Don't do this, Ben, not here," he turns around. "I'm working, speak to me later."

"You're not answering my texts," raising his voice just a little, Callum pauses at those words with his back turned to the racer. "Thought I'd come see you personally, ask if your phone's broken or something."

Callum turns back, tipping his head slightly and trying _so hard_ to keep a professional demeanor so the customers that look over don't see the middle of a married couple's argument.

"Not now, Ben," gesturing to the door, Callum keeps his gaze away from him. "Talk to me when I'm done."

And at that, Ben bites his bottom lip, keeping the seconds ticking on to see how long Callum can keep up ignoring him. Surprisingly, it's a while.

Ben stands up, walking around the table to stand adjacent to him.

"Is this about the other day?"

Callum doesn't reply, looking past him instead of at him. It makes Ben all the more eager to wind him up.

But they both know he's lying. Both Ben _and_ Callum were equally broken when he walked away, and Ben calling after him isn't exactly evidence proving that he didn't care.

"That's not my business," Callum sounds resentful. "Just leave."

Even more fuel for the fire. Ben clicks his tongue, looking down to his watch, "I ordered dessert, so I still have that to go."

Callum has the thought to chuck him out, but the last thing he wants to do is make a scene. One look at Ben shows that he's winning, being a wind up merchant just for the sake of getting his own way. The fondness Callum held so close for Ben is dissolving faster than he acquired it.

"It's no big deal, you know," Ben says, head tilted slightly. "Just another guy, and there'll always be another and another until — well. There's no chance of that for a guy like me."

Callum frowns. What _does he mean by that?_

It gains Callum's interest, the small inkling of hope. Ben just seems to bathe in it, enjoying Callum's undivided attention until it's taken away again.

"I don't care," whispers Callum.

_Liar._

"Oh? Well, that's unfortunate," Ben sighs, turning back around and making an effort to scratch at his neck, leading Callum's attention towards the mark on his neck as he sits back down. "Was hoping to get a bit of fight out of you."

He's slept with someone else, _again._

"Why?"

"Because I like a bit of chaos, Callum. The world's boring without it, and frankly, peace and quiet is a bit draining when I can go to my club, pick up a guy and spend my night with him instead of watching sixty ways to bake a cake," he takes a gentle sip of his wine, eyes never leaving Callum. "But I enjoy it from time to time, how quiet things can be, and frankly not having it over these last few days is beginning to sit badly with me."

He doesn't need this. Callum _really_ doesn't need this. There's still two hours left of his shift, and yet he's here staring down Ben like he's somehow going to give him answers.

"And I'm meant to do what?" Callum shrugs, feeling his will to keep calm slipping. "Should I feel sorry for you?"

"It's you," he says in reply, and for a moment Callum looks stunned. "Without your little bit of sunshine, I can't seem to sit still."

"Ben — what does that even _mean?"_ He scoffs at him, one hand raised and shaking it towards him. It's not like he's going to get an answer from him anytime soon. "You know what? I don't have time for this."

And with that, Callum walks away, ignoring his heart thundering in his chest without even understanding why. Ben doesn't leave his table, accepting the dessert he's given with a hardened smile five minutes later and waits.

\- - -

Ben almost misses him, lingering outside like a shadow. He watches each customer leave, hoping each one is Callum, but he's just met with couples and groups of friends that talk about the food on the way out.

It brings a smile to his face, one that Callum won't see. He's good at cooking, knows from last week and having him over every night and agonisingly watching from a _friendly_ distance. But to see such wide joy and love for Callum's recipes makes Ben proud.

They're friends. They can be proud of each other.

It's only when he sees a distant, tall figure leaving through a back door does he pick up speed, hands in his jean pockets and trying to look as less desperate as possible to catch up to him.

His eyes catch a glimpse of the blue car, and Ben grins when he has to pause and search for his keys.

Ben slows down his pace, casually walking and his practiced grin ready on his face for when Callum turns around. But he doesn't, unlocking the sports car and getting in without even a glance.

At a loss, Ben stands there like a lost sheep before gaining one of Callum's ideas.

Callum is putting his coat on the backseat when his passenger door opens, and Callum is ready to swing until that shitty grin comes into light.

His face falls to something soft for a moment, and then Callum's frowning, sighing as he leans his head back.

"Crikey," Ben says, a smirk evident in his voice. "Deja vu?"

"Get out," Callum leans his arm against the side, head resting on a closed fist.

"That didn't work the first time, mate," and Ben laughs at how Callum just closes his eyes. He _has_ to be remembering their first night. "Don't think it'll work the second time, either. And besides, this beauty is on loan from yours truly, so I have the right to kick _you_ out." Ben taps the dashboard, and Callum still doesn't respond.

As the passenger door shuts with a soft thud, Ben makes himself comfortable, but quickly finds himself becoming unsettled. In the restaurant, there were other people, a method to stop Callum from saying words Ben doesn't want to hear.

But alone, in his car, Ben is at the full mercy of his heart and whatever words come his way. He suddenly regrets chasing, wishing he would've just called another guy for the night, but he misses Callum too much to do it again.

Ben at least wants to try. He's not going to apologise because he shouldn't, there's no reason, but he feels as if he needs to for the sake of Callum.

Annoying him to the point of pushing him away might be good for Callum, to find someone else. That's the plan, at least. Allow Callum to fall for someone else and keep their friendship, keep everything _normal_ for the sake of Lexi and Pip.

So then, why is he here? Why is he looking at Callum with the guilt of a thousand sins?

"Well? Are you gonna' talk?" Callum's words are so sharp they sting, and Ben has to quickly build his defences again.

"Thought you wanted me gone."

"You're not going to, so hurry up so I can go home," Callum looks out, spotting Ben's car and thanks his lucky stars he doesn't have to drive him home.

"Ouch," Ben places a hand against his chest, faking the pain even though it does hurt a little. "I thought we had something."

"Yeah, we do," he turns to him, Ben a little taken back at his reply, but his face falling at the answer; "This conversation."

"Double ouch."

"Don't you have some — _guy_ to hook up with?" Callum turns back to the wheel, gripping it tight with both hands. "You have no reason to be here other than to irritate me. I've been ignoring your texts because I've been busy, nothing else."

_Another lie._

_Wasn't there meant to be no more lies?_

"I do have a reason," Ben states when the air goes desperately quiet. 

Callum doesn't pay him any visual attention, but he's listening.

"Let's start again," and for a moment, Callum thinks he's referring to their entire friendship. "Your texts from last time, the ones where you wanted to talk?"

"And what makes you think I still want to?" It was a spur of the moment decision when he did it the first time, clouded by his heart's desire to let Ben in.

But now, it's as clear as day that Ben doesn't feel the same way.

"Because you still want to," Ben is taunting him, but he's not sure if it's the best way.

"Ben — just leave it. I ain't interested."

And silence grips their throats once more. If Ben knew it'd be this hard to get Callum's invite again, he wouldn't have bothered.

Then again, Ben would've still done it anyway. It's true, what he said about Callum, not being able to go about his day when every guy he hooks up with is a constant, irritating, _burning_ reminder that it's not Callum.

Ben wants what he can't have, and that makes the game all more fun. It's also a game that hurts, shreds at the few bruised layers of his heart that are left.

"You are," Ben says, fingers to his lips and staring out to his own car. "I know you are."

Callum doesn't deny it, just sits there with the answer hidden between his lips. He wants to say _yeah, I am,_ but the moment has long since gone even though the want lingers.

"Face it, Callum," he clicks the door handle, opening it. "We both know that ain't true."

Callum grabs his arm, centering his focus on Ben's face as he looks back to him, "I'm _not_ interested. Especially not if you're going to treat what's important to me like one of your pathetic trophies."

The contact burns now, and Callum releases him after he allows the words to sink in, Ben's face struck with guilt.

"I didn't—"

 _"Save it,_ Ben," Callum leans his head on his fist again, not paying him any mind.

And that's all Callum has to say, leaving it at that. Ben isn't done, though, glancing at Callum's lips before going back up to his eyes.

"For the record, all those guys really did mean nothing," Ben stares ahead, clicking the door open beside him again. "I care about you more than that, Callum."

He's stepping out before he can regret it, and Callum is left with a frightening chill in his chest as he watches Ben walk across the tarmac to his car.

Ben is the first to drive away.

It's only on Saturday night the same week that Callum texts him.

_[Callum, Saturday, 23:11pm]: can you come? on sunday?]_

Ben smiles down at his phone, ignoring the bitter chill of the cold outside. It's incredibly lonely here without Callum to join him, the memories so sweet.

_[Ben]: see you there. nice and early._

\- - -

_SUNDAY_

Callum drives in silence.

He doesn't know what to expect from today. The only reason he agreed to give Ben a second chance is because Callum himself needs to talk about it, and he feels as if he can find the support he needs in Ben.

Granted, he can't even fathom why he does in the first place, but it doesn't stop Callum from smiling when he pulls up at the start of the country walk. 

Ben is already there, grey coat on his shoulders and nursing a hot coffee. Leaning against the front of his car, he's looking out to the distant horizon, almost as if he's thinking about what Callum might say already.

At the noise of Callum's car, he turns, smiling as Callum brings the car to a stop not far from him. They meet eyes through the window, smile, and then Callum is pushing the door open with Pip jumping out alongside him.

"Mornin'."

"Morning," replies Callum.

They haven't talked since the Saturday text. Not even another text, but he's needed the distance. Ben is a lot to handle, especially when his way of getting Callum to talk to him again is turning up at work until he agrees.

Maybe that's why he likes him to a certain extent, the mystery of what his next words are going to be. Ben always has this aura about him, that if you miss out, it'll always bother people that they did. 

And perhaps Callum wants to know, wants to be around every second and find out. He's in deep and doesn't even know it, especially when just a look his way from Ben shifts something in his chest.

"I don't know if you like to keep these walks free of the outside world, but if you're getting me up at 6AM to walk down a cold countryside," Ben lifts his coffee up, gesturing to it. "I think I'm allowed some coffee."

Callum laughs at him a little, allowing his head to drop as he smiles.

Ben feels the same odd sense of longing deep in his chest when he sees that smile, even more so when Callum directs it towards him.

"I don't mind," he says.

"Good," Ben twists slightly to pick up the one hiding behind him. "Brought you one too."

Callum lifts his hand, smiling, "Not my beverage of choice, but, cheers anyway."

Momentarily paused, Ben blinks, shaking out of it as he places it back into his car in a holder.

"Not a coffee drinker?"

"Nope," Callum shrugs. "Never have been. Prefer a good run or a walk like this to wake me up."

Ben's nose shrivels at that, "How exhausting."

"Well, if you didn't stay up all night then you wouldn't be so tired and in need of coffee, would ya'?" Clicking the gate open, Pip squeezes through before it's even open, and Ben follows behind as Callum holds it open for him.

"Not my fault I have a guy on my arm every time I need one," he gestures to himself, proud of the way Callum _looks_ but breaks away just as quick. "Blame the genes."

"If that boosts your ego, sure."

"Oh? You'd do that for me?" Ben laughs, smirk curving his lips. "You may be the most dedicated friend I've ever had."

That word feels funny in his ears, but as Callum turns to him, it makes sense.

Friendship is all about mutual support, trust and having a connection close enough to not feel lonely. The reason he's invited him is to give him a second chance.

"I wonder sometimes if I'm your only friend," Callum jokes, and Ben has a moment where his face falls a little. Something like realisation, and then it changes back to his usual confident exterior.

"Usually I'm more of a — one time kinda' guy."

"I think I know that by now," Callum laughs as Pip chases after a duck, her signature thing. Ben follows suit, a smile on his face that Callum captures before it fades.

But Ben can see the meaning behind what he said, and for a moment, he looks sorry.

"Yeah, about that — I didn't know you'd be _surprising me._ In fact, I didn't expect that guy to even stay."

"Did you want him to?" Asks Callum, looking out to the distance.

"No," it's easy for Ben to say, and surprisingly so when the whole reason he slept with the guy in the first place is standing right next to him. "Just — fell asleep after. Didn't care to kick him out, thought he'd be gone by the morning."

"Oh," Callum ponders on that, sighing as he squeezes his shoulders together. The wind is quite brisk, and not even the warmth of the morning sun with no cloud cover helps. "Did he hurt you?"

"I would make a joke about that but it's too early."

Groaning, Callum nudges him, "You know what I mean."

"Do I?" Ben smirks his way.

Callum feels warmth spread over his neck. _Shit._ He's blushing for no other reason than Ben just teasing him. "I mean — he sounded like an asshole. No offence." 

He remembers exactly how the guy looked at him, as if he knew a secret about Ben that Callum doesn't. And then calling him the _ex guy_ — what was _that_ all about?

Did Ben use him as a reason, a name to get laid and pretend they're broken lovers? It doesn't sit well in his stomach, but Callum tries desperately to ignore it.

"He was. Kicked him out after you left."

 _Oh._ Callum spent the whole week thinking the opposite.

"Whitney says I should go out and meet someone," he stumbles on his words, and he wasn't even meant to say it. It just — happens.

"Did she?" Ben says, a rhetorical question more than anything else. "And — are you gonna'?"

Callum glances at Ben, trying to read his face, but he's looking away towards Pip, seemingly uninterested in whatever Callum is going to say.

"I think I should, even though I'm kinda' nervous about it," he picks at the lining of his hoodie pocket. "Maybe next weekend I could go to your club? Try and meet someone?"

"You could," Ben replies, sounding as if he has something else to say. Nothing follows, though.

"But?" Callum tries to bring it out of him.

"But nothing," Ben finally turns back to Callum, and the stern expression on his face says it all. "I don't see the problem with it."

Callum becomes distant all of a sudden, keeping his focus on Ben even when he turns away. Maybe he's got it all wrong.

"Speaking of Whitney, how did it go?" Ben kicks a stone, pausing for a moment to let Pip catch up. As she runs past them, Ben speaks up once more. "If you want to, that is."

As they approach the middle of the walk, trees arch overheard, plunging them into shadow with speckles and odd shapes of sunlight coming through. They fold and bend over both of their faces, and suddenly the wind doesn't feel as cold.

"I do," Callum whispers. "It's why I wanted you here. You're — the only one I've brought here."

Ben feels a ping in his chest, "What about Whitney?"

"Never," shaking his head, Callum looks up, spotting two birds gliding from one branch to another. "This is my place to think. I didn't really want anyone else here, just me and Pip."

"But now I'm here," saying it makes it feel twice as impactful, because Callum hears it and smiles.

"Yeah, you are," he grins as he turns to Ben, walking backwards for a moment. "You're quite the intelligent guy."

"Flirting ain't gonna' get you nowhere Callum, not with me," Ben winks his way, and Callum simply looks away, turning back around to walk forward again. 

"I ain't interested in you anyway."

"Fighting words from a guy who blushes when I wink at him," Ben almost regrets saying it, but Callum's laugh and smile that wrinkles the edges of his eyes makes it all worth it.

God. He's beautiful.

"Don't flatter yourself so much, I'm just warm," and once again, it's an open pathway. Callum isn't doing well, providing him with openings to tease, but it's not like he's willingly thinking twice every time he says something.

Callum's heart is an open book, freely preached whenever Callum wants too. Whereas Ben's is hidden so far away that even Ben doesn't know where it is.

"You are? I wouldn't know."

Their laughter settles to silence, birds tweeting overhead, some crickets here and there. It's awfully strange but at the same time weirdly comforting. It's just them and nature.

Ben's version of this would be an open road and no one else around him, but here, under the archway of rich, ancient trees is Callum's open road — or open path. While Ben spends his life running, Callum spends it walking. Their tones and general way of life are so different yet they can easily walk at the same speed, _their_ speed, as if they've been doing it all of their lives.

But Callum hasn't always been surrounded by birds and nature's gentle rule. It was once violent metal and scorching sand, heavy weights and heavy heads. 

He was running even faster than Ben, but it's not aimless as his would be. Callum was running away, trying to _escape._

Ben beside him stays quiet, following Pip as she gallops ahead, back and forth, sniffing all the new scents that have appeared in the past week. Maybe he can confide in Ben, talk to someone who still lives his life miles at a time.

He doesn't get attached, doesn't follow rules, does things his own way and gets a kick out of it. Maybe telling him won't be that hard, and it won't be hard on Ben either.

That, and the fact he can't physically hold it in anymore.

"I was in the army," Callum looks up, watching Pip trott ahead. "Few years, worked as a chef and some front line here and there. I got an injury at some point during my third year, got sent home and that was it."

Ben keeps his head down, watching his own feet squish in the mud. So that's why the popping exhaust scared him, not just general, sudden noise. It reminded Callum of something much more terrifying.

"I got a letter, well, a few. They were all from the families of the lads I knew, telling me what had happened," Callum can feel the sting in his eyes. "Sometimes they'd come in pairs, sometimes months. A lot of them got home safe, a lot of them didn't."

Slowly, Ben brings his head up, turning to Callum as the taller man sniffs beside him. He switches his focus to a bench, and upon gesturing to it, they sit down, knees just about touching. 

Pip sees the opportunity to run around, going back and forth as the pair sit in silence.

Callum has his head back, staring at the sky through an opening in the leaves with hooded eyes, hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie.

Ben flicks up the collar on his coat, battling the breeze that barrels through the trees that arch overhead. And for once, he welcomes the silence, allowing Callum time to pick and place words as they arrive.

There's no rush, not when it comes to this.

"There was a guy — _Chris,"_ just saying his name irritates a bruise on Callum's heart. "I spent most of my time with him, played music and joked and got drunk. He was… a guy you wanted around, if that makes sense."

Ben smiles, "Yeah. It does." Because he too, feels the same way about someone too.

"Well, we talked a lot, mostly about life back home, and he'd always ask me about why I didn't want to go back," Callum swallows, Ben can hear it. It's getting hard for Callum to hold this back. "Truth is, I didn't wanna' leave him."

The silence stings, and Ben doesn't have any other thought to fill it. Well — it's a statement, not a thought.

"You liked him."

And the answer is there, so easy to say but so hard to hear. 

When Ben doesn't hear anything, he turns, watching as a single tear builds in Callum's eye, only falling when he clenches his jaw. It glides down his cheek, sitting at the hinge of his jaw before falling onto the shoulder of his hoodie.

"I did," exhales Callum, as if those words have been trapped for _years —_ and they have.

The past tense feels raw, disheartening. Callum lost him and never got the chance to say it.

"I'm sorry, Callum." 

Ben lost someone, too, but it's not his time to share it, and nor does he feel ready. It's Callum's time to reflect and grieve, and the complicated way in which grieving works is a mystery to both of them.

No one knows what it'll be like until it's there; the new normal.

But the words _I'm sorry_ leaving Ben's mouth are so unexpected that Callum momentarily remembers where they are, _who_ they are and _what_ they are.

"The only one that should be saying that is me. I should have said something, told him, and maybe it would've been different," he bites at his lip, inhaling sharply before saying anything. "I was too scared. I couldn't be me, I couldn't be the guy he wanted — and he waited, _waited and waited_ —"

His words cut off. Saying it makes it true, and denial is somehow a weird and suffocating angel when it comes to losing someone. Callum can't say it, can't bring himself to when it's right there on his tongue, but it's like he can't breathe.

Callum stands up, fingers clenching into his hands so hard it almost bruises him, turning away from Ben and towards the open pathway of the arched trees, falling apart from the inside.

Head tilted up, he says what he's always wanted to say, buried so deep the wolves can't find it, hidden to save the world around him from pointing and separating him from everyone else. He fears loneliness, fears the inevitable.

But he can't keep it back anymore. He owes it to himself.

_"I'm gay."_

Ben feels his chest quake at hearing the words. He stands up, hesitant as he allows Callum space to tell Chris in his own way, and then places a hand on his arm so gentle he wonders if Callum can even feel him.

He does, biting at his bottom lip with nerves and so, _so much pain_ that it rocks his chest.

And the hold breaks. 

Callum's head falls, tears falling accompanied by silent sobs, and every single part of him weighs twice or three times as much as it did.

He almost falls, but Ben is there in front of him, and Callum slips his arms around his shoulders, gripping onto his coat and finding comfort in how Ben helps him battle the cold.

Pip comes up to sit beside them, nudging at Callum's leg with her ears down, a large stick between her jaw.

It makes Callum laugh as he looks down, and Ben closes his eyes at the sound. He places his face against Callum's shoulder, _holding him_ and wishing this was different. They're both broken and lost from losing love, and yet together like this, it feels as if the worst is over.

But it can't be. Ben doesn't do relationships, and he certainly doesn't do love. Not anymore.

\- - -

_SUNDAY NIGHT_

_[Ben, 23:45pm]: be there in 5_

Callum waits by the door, keys in his hand. This time, Ben _is_ going racing.

After today, Callum is too emotionally tired to even comprehend going out, especially not until 4AM. That's a hangover waiting to happen.

Ben walked the rest of the way with him during Pip's walk, mostly in mutual silence, offering Callum time to think as he usually would. It also gave Ben time to reflect as well, mostly about Callum, and then when he reached for his hand in a moment of weakness, their fingers fit so perfectly. It was just a moment, a reassuring squeeze, but Callum felt their fingers linger together, _pretending_ they can't break away when they can.

The two knocks make Callum look up, sighing as he rises to his feet and clicks the door open.

Ben is standing there, red jacket on his shoulders and a small, little smile, "Hey."

"Hey," Callum replies, smiling himself as he leans against the door. "Not a scratch, please."

As Callum offers him the keys, Ben clicks his tongue at him, "Sure, boss."

Their hands touch, and Ben looks almost vulnerable when Callum meets his eyes. Callum's skin is so warm compared to the keys, and it's another second before Ben takes them.

Ben's heading down the stairs before he can saying anything else, but Callum does it anyway.

"Stay safe," says Callum, crossing his arms against the biting breeze.

Ben pauses on the stairs. Two words, two words that do so much, words that physically hurt him at the same time.

"Yeah, I will." 

After Callum watches him drive off, he closes the door, placing his forehead against. The only thing he can do is breathe.

Callum distracts himself with movies and snacks while he waits for Ben to come back. He changes into night clothes, white shirt and shorts, almost falling asleep watching an awful romcom when those familiar two knocks sound at his door again.

Ben's there once more, keys in hand, looking up from the floor, all the way up Callum's body until he meets his face.

He smiles, "Not a scratch, as requested."

Callum tries to ignore how much his heart rattles and his skin itches from Ben's glare. 

"You win?"

Ben huffs, "'Course."

"Nice."

Ben blinks at him, offering the keys back. Callum hesitates until he's reaching for them, brushing his thumb against Ben's palm, lingering until he pulls them away.

"Night, Callum." Ben turns around quicker than Callum likes.

Callum can't do anything but hold the door, fingers cold with the want to reach out, to grab his coat and pull him inside — to _kiss him._

He shuts the door with a little more force than necessary, having no idea that Ben looks back, thinking the exact same thing. It'd be so easy to reach out because he's already so closer, and it's just crossing that frightening distance to see if Callum feels the same.

The sound of Ben's car driving off makes Callum a little tearful and terribly lonely.

\- - -

_A WEEK LATER, SUNDAY_

_[Callum]: are you picking the car up today?_

_[Ben]: yeah. I'll be there_

Night unfolds, cold and unforgiving. There'll be a knock at his door any second from Ben, asking for the keys to his car so they can go through with what's already been put in place.

Pip sleeps on the chair next to him, grumbling every now and then in her dreams, the soft lull of the television giving enough background noise so Callum doesn't overthink in the silence. It's been a long week, a week of thinking and feeling emotions he hasn't before. He was too scared back then, too closed off to allow himself any freedom.

Now it feels as if there's too much all at once, an uneasy balance, tipping the scales before Callum knows where to place his feet.

He's said it, said it to Ben. He's _gay,_ felt the undeniable quake in his lungs, the cold wash over his skin that made him feel feint. And all Ben did was hug him, let Callum curve his arms around him and stay quiet.

Callum's aware that Ben wasn't going to promise anything, to keep it between them, to let the hard times roll on without Ben trying to sugar coat it.

But now he hasn't seen him in a week. Ben's been busy, Callum has too, and it's given them space to soak up the air between them. It doesn't make any sense, none of it does, except for the part where he feels awfully alone without him.

It was only two weeks ago Callum saw him with another guy, and every time he's reminded of it, it still hurts. It's like a slow drip of poison, burning him from the inside out, voices that aren't his own tumbling around on his tongue.

_Why wasn't it me?_

_Why him?_

Callum rubs his fingers at the side of his head. The voices are becoming annoying, but the lock on his mind to release them is welded shut. They're going to be there for as long as the thought of Ben stays active.

All week. He's been thinking about him all week.

Even at work, Callum would look out the kitchen window more times than he usually would to see if Ben was there, waiting for a waitress to come up to him and say there's another complaining customer. Ben never did, probably feeling like the first time he did it, it made Callum more distant.

It did make him distant, but it also caused Callum to fight his feelings. Does he like him? Doesn't he? It's all too confusing, but he does know one thing, and that's wanting Ben around in whatever way he can. Everything feels different, feels _new_ with him in a way Callum hasn't had chance to before.

Even the sound of Ben's engine rumbling outside sets nerves so deep in his bones that it starts to make him feel sick.

The door rattles with two knocks, and Callum takes a second before he stands up, walking through his kitchen to unlock the door.

Every time he sees Ben, it's the same, and then something more pulling at his chest.

"Hey," Ben steps closer, and Callum suddenly realises he has other intentions. "Can I come in?"

"Oh," Callum smiles a little shy, "sure."

As the door opens wider, Ben steps through, greeting Pip with a small ear scratch before she goes back to the fireplace in the other room.

"Are you not racing today?" Callum asks, shutting the door, the warmth of Callum's house enclosing both of them.

"I am, just wanted to talk to you."

 _And why do you want to do that?_ Nerves are setting in. Fast. Callum can't let that show, so he smiles, confusion falling over his expression as he leans against the kitchen side. 

"Yeah? What about?"

"You, uh—" Ben looks around, anywhere but Callum. "You haven't texted all week."

For a moment, Callum almost laughs.

"What? No turning up at the restuarant to ask why this time?"

Ben sighs, shuffling his hands inside his pockets, "No, not after that shuffle we had last time." And he's not going to tell him about the constant hook ups after that to push away his guilt.

"How kind of you," Callum crosses his arms against his chest, looking away for a moment, and that gap in focus gives Ben time to glance, to have an expression that reflects nothing but longing.

"Can we — can we stop this?" Ben asks, voice like sandpaper, rough around the edges.

Callum looks up, frown on his face, "What?"

"This silence between us, I can't stand it." Ben wants more, more of Callum. It's not enough just having texts here and there, because the more space there is between them, the more it feels as if he's losing him.

He wants _all_ of Callum in any way he can, not just smiles on a Saturday. And even though he's aware he can't have that, Ben still wants it because he _always_ gets what he wants.

This time, though, it seems almost impossible.

"I needed space, Ben. I think we both did. I said something that took what felt like years — my whole life to say. I'm — sorry I never spoke to you after that, I just didn't have the energy."

"I'm your mate," and even though he shouldn't be pushing the blame on him, Ben does, _wanting_ to control this any way he can until Callum breaks him.

That's the only way he's going to get through this — Callum _wanting_ him to leave.

"I know, and I needed that time." Callum replies, shuffling on his feet and scratching at his arm. He's wearing the same night clothes from last weekend.

"I wanted to be there for you," says Ben, gesturing towards him. "I — I see you, Callum."

"What?" Callum's not sure what he means.

Ben grits his teeth, "What do you want, Callum? If you don't want me to be there for you, what do you want?"

He stares, just for a moment, _just enough_ for Callum's own glare to root Ben to the floor.

"Where's this coming from?" asks Callum, a little disheartened. "Why are you asking this?"

Ben doesn't need to tell him it's because he's lonely, that he's missed him all week and can't seem to get him out of his head.

"Just answer the question." Ben says, quiet, almost too quiet, like he's scared to know the answer.

"I want honesty," Callum replies, and Ben regrets asking. "That's what friends are, right? Trust? Honesty?"

"And what honesty do you expect from a guy like me? There's a lot of dirty truths, Callum." 

"What you meant the other week could be a good start," Callum shrugs, voice a little stern now since Ben isn't exactly speaking with a light tone either. "Did nothing I say to you last week mean anything? And all the other times before?"

Ben laughs, but it mocks him, "Should I start with all the guys I slept with last week and this week, then? Does being honest about my entire life reach that quota of being a _friend?"_

Callum can't believe him. Where did that even come from?

"Ben, _you're_ the one that asked to come in and talk. I'm talking, and yet you won't even say anything to me. It's always about who you've been with, not what you actually feel," Callum stands on both feet more firmly, hands up and gesturing as he talks. "You said to me in that car that you care about me differently, and then just now you said you want things to go back to the way they were."

Ben thinks he's done, but Callum takes another breath and a moment of silence before speaking again. He feels frozen, snakes slithering up his spine knowing he's cornered. It's only a matter of time as Callum takes another step.

"You weren't with guys every single day before the week we started work on my car. We had a great time, Lexi was happy and we were _all_ happy," Callum can see right through him.

"How do you know who I'm with?" Ben feels the need to defend himself, and it's the only power he feels he has right now.

"It wasn't your topic of conversation every time you met up with me. It was about me, about Lexi, no one else. You kept it to yourself, you didn't talk about it as if it's something to be proud of."

Ben feels the click, the fangs in his chest, the poison that rises so fast he almost makes himself sick with it.

"You think you can just— turn up in my life and expect the best from me? You _can't,_ Callum. I've already said to you that I'm not good for _anyone —_ not even _you,"_ and he prods a finger against his chest, stares at him with defiance that faulters every second that goes by.

"I don't expect anything from you," Callum pushes his fingers from his chest, gesturing around to his kitchen. "I expect you to at least — _tell me_ when you're hurting. Tell me when you need someone."

Ben shuffles on his feet, turning away before turning back again.

"I don't wanna' do that. I don't wanna' cry to you about how lonely I am, trying to find a place to be — _me_ and all I've found is—," Ben glances down, gritting his teeth, playing with the words on his tongue until they sting too much. "All I've found is this."

"This?" repeats Callum, _"This?_ This means nothing to you?"

"We met because of chance, or bad luck. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time." Ben feels his feet move for him, wanting to leave before Callum's words and just the presence of him breaks down every defense he's got left.

But Callum grabs his arm. Ben stops. It's silent for a moment before Callum's voice appears.

"Don't walk away."

Ben pauses, looking to the hand on his arm, "Why? Why shouldn't I?"

"Because I don't know what this is either, and it scares me," Callum lets go, and Ben wants to step back into his grasp, but it's too late. "You wanted to talk, not me."

Ben stands there, the door on his left, Callum to the right. Two options. 

He either stays, allowing Callum to talk and fall for him, or leave and slam the door so loud it'll hopefully give him a headache. Ben needs something to distract him from how much his heart is being strangled by his own hands.

"What do you mean, Ben? What did you mean when you said it?" and there it is, the look in Callum's eyes that peels open Ben's exterior. "And just now? _I see you?_ What is that supposed to _mean_ to me, Ben? That you understand? That you see me as someone else?"

"It's nothing," 

"You can't — you can't do that to me," Callum falters a little on his next few words when Ben turns back to look at him. "Saying one thing and then the next denying it."

"What?"

"This — what did you mean? _What are we?"_ he sounds borderline desperate, a face like a kicked puppy and Ben presses his lips together.

It's difficult, looking at your feelings, your every desire and hope right in front of you, shaped in the form of another man. For Ben, it's this comfortable stranger, a good guy, a guy he's basically thrown into the deep end.

Ben's lost. Drowning.

"I don't know." 

"Is that it?" Callum's voice sounds strained.

"What else am I meant to say?" Ben almost sobs that out.

"What am I to you?"

Ben bites his bottom lip, closing his eyes, _"_ _I don't know."_

_Don't make me say it._

_Don't make me fall for you._

The lack of acceptance, the lack of any words besides the ones they both want to hear shackle them to the ground. Ben doesn't want to leave until he gets what he wants, and Callum doesn't want him to leave until he knows why his heart feels this way.

Even now, standing two footsteps apart, Callum listens to every thump of his own heart, thundering in his ears. If he decoded it, it'd sound a lot like Ben, but it's jumbled and unsure, as if he's not allowed to say it.

They're polar opposites but fit like the last two puzzle pieces in a box. Ben's the moon, all small and insignificant in the dark, trying to be important when there's so much else to look at, to be fascinated with. Callum's the sun, bright and full of what life should be. Granted, he shone dimly for most of his life, but lately he's _burning,_ overwhelmed with everything and someone. 

If Ben is poison, Callum is the cure. But even then, Ben has already sunk his claws in, torn at Callum's perfectly kept secret, and now it's an open wound for Ben to reach in and _pull._

He does this with everyone he's ever known, the unfortunate strangers, blue eyes to lure them in, words that promise so much more — and then the prodigal son turns into the lone wolf. He takes and leaves, but he can't leave Callum, a debt his heart can't afford knowing he walked away.

But Callum isn't all sunshine and pride, he has his own darkness, the unfolded parts of him that bloat and make his stomach sickly. Ben is nothing compared to them, and frankly, Ben could tell him every little thing he's ever done and Callum will still be standing here, eyes lingering on his lips.

Ben's a sin, and Callum never prayed anyway.

His hand comes up, cupping Ben's face, walking him back until Ben's back thuds against the wall, eyes watching the longing of his expression before he closes them — and he's kissing him.

Ben doesn't follow, only feeling the press of Callum's lips, a sudden realisation that this is real. Callum is warm, _so warm_ that Ben leans into him and as the small, innocent kiss ends, Callum keeps his lips there, brushing them against Ben's as he breathes.

They're caught on a line, their heart strings tangled, stuck on each other in the heat of the moment. Ben stops himself from opening his eyes, knowing that if he does, the world will feel so heavy around him that he'll _run._

He doesn't want to face Callum and what this means for them, not yet. Not when his heart momentarily pauses to flood Ben with raw emotion as Callum's exhale rolls across his lips, their noses brushing.

 _Fuck._ Callum's just kissed him, and it feels like speech and every other sense hones in on Callum, and him _only._ It's never felt like this and it might be too early to say that but _god._ The kiss they just shared felt lifeless, a statement. The start of something.

But _this,_ Callum so close, breathing the same air he does, Ben can't tame the wild rattle of the cage in his chest. It's his heart, knowing already what he'll deny for as long as he lives.

Callum still has his eyes closed when he pulls back, hands still holding Ben's head with so much tenderness Ben almost breaks down, warmth spreading, fizzing over Ben's skin.

And Ben takes a breath, finally opening his eyes to see Callum staring back at him, a mixture of fear and the fire he's seen from day one.

Then the dawn of Callum's emotions, breaking through the seams on his face, and he's stepping back. He shouldn't have done that, broke what pact they already had. It was good, really good, the weeks they had and the time they shared.

He doesn't get far, Ben's fingers gripping at the loose fabric of his shirt, pulling his body back to thump into his, their lips pressing back together.

_Don't go yet. Not yet._

Callum is afraid, Ben can feel it in how he kisses him. Little presses, the weightless arms beside him, body only held so close to Ben by his own hands.

Ben will guide him, be the light for a change, moving his lips and Callum follows, sighing softly through his nose where Ben can feel it tumble across his cheeks.

This is — _heaven._ A small piece of it, taunting Ben as the gates open and Callum is right there, kissing him slow and tender, hands puppeted by his conscience. They fall on Ben's waist, timid and fear stricken.

Ben breaks the kiss, Callum leaning in after him, but Ben just looks up at him, their height difference sending a thrill so electric down his spine that Ben's heart elevates. He feels high, and they've only kissed.

He moves to take Callum's hands, brushing his thumbs over the back of them, pressing his hands so they hold Ben more firm.

"I'm not glass," he says, even though he feels like it right now, and Callum seems to focus back on the world itself, not just Ben.

And Callum's hands burn, lifting from Ben but it feels cold without the touch there, so they hold him again. Ben tries to hide the sigh in his lungs, Callum's hands so gentle but perfect in their hold, and the fact it sends so many different emotions pinging through his brain makes Ben wonder how much he really is in for it.

How much he _likes_ him.

Their noses brush together, caught in a heavy silence between breathing and touches.

"I think I am," Callum whispers, shaking, and Ben lifts his hands now that Callum is settled to hold his face, cradling it with a tenderness Callum hasn't felt before.

Ben wants to say something, to say a lot of things, but this moment is so precious and fragile it could break at any moment — like _glass._

His thumb brushes under Callum's eye, falling to press and move his bottom lip, wanting to kiss him again. Ben expected himself to break, to give in and kiss him with so much fever that Callum became intoxicated from it — but this is better, this is allowing both of them to see if this works.

They can see if friends is just that, _friends,_ and they can leave it in the dust for something more.

Callum allows the seconds to tick by, watching Ben so close and taking in the details he couldn't before. The small scar near his brow that's so, _so small_ but there with a history.

But like magnets, Callum is slowly pulled in, leaning in until Ben has his eyes closed, closing the distance. Callum's head moves back a little from the push of Ben's lips, frowning until his face softens, hands on his waist squeezing.

Ben sighs again, fingers scratching behind his ears, the soft yet sharp cut of his hair, angling his head but still having their noses brush. And then Callum feels the loose fabric at the end of his shirt, lifting because of how he reaches for Callum.

Callum's thumb explores, brushing under the fabric and onto the cold of Ben's skin. It's like a match against the side of its box, sudden and sharp, but Ben doesn't pull away, simply biting at Callum's bottom lip until they fall into kissing again, exhaling through his nose.

Ben feels it, the knocking on his heart, one of Callum's hands moving up to his chest, pushing firm so that he can pull back, Ben chasing with his chin stuck out, but it's no use.

Callum is stepping back, hands lingering before they too, fall back to his sides.

"No," Callum says, broken, and Ben can't do anything but watch and try to breathe.

Ben shifts his face to a questioning expression, head thumping back against the wall. Every part of his skin Callum touched feels cold, as if there's no warmth — _no sun —_ without him.

And when Callum looks back, there's a subtle anger, hands shaking because he's fighting two sides. 

One side wants to walk back, take Ben's head in his hands and kiss him senseless and wake up still doing it. But the other says _no,_ that Ben will only chew on his heart and spit it out. There's no station, no place where Ben gets off the train and says _this is it —_ it's always onto the next.

Callum doesn't want to be a maybe, a second choice, a piece on the side for when Ben gets bored of Tom or Jerry, and even then how will he let go of that life when it's part of him? He's said it before, said it to push Callum away and yet he's still standing here.

"I'm not another trophy for your belt, Ben," Callum says, all too broken for Ben to comprehend. 

This isn't how it was meant to happen.

But Ben is so unbalanced, lips tingling from Callum's stubble, and he can't do anything except fall to usual, easy defences.

"You kissed me first," he says, swiping his tongue across his bottom lip.

Callum stares, remembers Ben having a different expression after their first kiss. He seemed lost yet found, clinging to Callum mentally without the physical aspect, a softness in his eyes that Callum has never seen. He knows he's doing what Ben does best, and Callum doesn't want it.

"You can't say that, you can't pretend that this was me," Callum points at him, defiant even though he's _struggling_ to speak when he feels so out of breath.

"Oh, but it was," he's snarky, and Callum shakes his head.

"Say what you want, Ben, I know you feel it too."

"Save me the poetics, yeah?" Ben closes his eyes, sighing. "Liked you better when you were kissin' me."

"So that's it, huh? I'm too emotional for you? Too much to understand?" He shrugs when Ben opens his eyes to him again. "I should just keep quiet, right? Act like every other guy so there's no attachment?"

Ben doesn't answer.

"Bullshit," Callum scoffs. "I saw how you looked at me, Ben, that's not nothing."

_Say it. Say you want me too._

Ben ponders on that for a moment. A darkness shadows his face, and then he's looking over Callum's shoulder instead of directly at him.

"I slept with that guy for fun," starts Ben, Callum stood still as he listens. "Slept with a few more after that day, names I've forgotten by now. They were good but nothing more than just five minutes of fame."

And then he's turning back to Callum, head still against the wall, "All to get you out of my head."

Callum's eyes widen a little, shuffling on his feet, lips slightly parted.

"You're not another one, Callum," Ben looks up, begging the stars to give him mercy for allowing his heart to speak. "You're different."

He hears Callum's footstep before he sees him, Ben glancing to his face, a solemn expression there now. Callum just — _wonders,_ eyes darting from one of Ben's to the other.

"What?" is all Callum can say, what he _allows_ himself to say.

Ben can't repeat it, sour on his tongue. He's opened up too much and any more would be like offering his heart to Callum in his hands.

"It doesn't need to mean anything," Ben is afraid now, taking steps back in his mind, to try and hide from the thousands of thoughts that race through him just by looking at Callum.

"What if I—" 

Ben stops him, thumb to his lip, looking down to watch him move it across to his cheek.

"Don't," Ben pleads, almost whispers it but he's full of nerves that make the words rattle on their way out.

If Callum could focus, he'd see the small amount of moisture building in Ben's eyes, salt burning.

The atmosphere is so thin between them, hard to breathe, so fragile it feels like glass pulls at their skin until Callum is falling into him, lips on Ben's.

And when they break, a mere few seconds, Ben looks defeated. Callum has him, undeniably.

"What do I do?" Callum asks, and Ben thumps his forehead against his.

"Nothing," Ben says, tipping his head to brush their lips together. _"Nothing."_

Ben doesn't want Callum to love him, doesn't want them to become something more because it'll end in tears for both of them. He could say it wouldn't affect him, but he can already feel the strain, the turntable of emotions that already promise so much and make him fear it at the same time.

But kissing Callum, it's new, makes Ben lose tension in his shoulders, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him in, fingers moving through soft hair.

Callum grips at his waist again, moving up and then round, sitting at the small of his back and it makes Ben curl into him.

He doesn't know how long they stand there, but Ben isn't patient, and there's a countdown ticking in his head that the more he has of this — of _Callum —_ he's never going to leave.

And if he can have seconds, he'll take it.

Callum will, too. He's scared, though.

"You can't stay," Callum says, more whispered than anything else.

"I know," Ben brings his hands up, placing them on Callum's neck and pulling his head down towards him again, slowly.

Ben can't get enough. Now he has Callum for a silent moment, he doesn't want to leave no matter how much he knows he can't do this. He'll kiss him until Callum kicks him out, which doesn't seem anytime soon with Callum gripping him so close.

It's new for Callum, to feel this way, to kiss a man. His first, and Ben realises that when Callum lingers on Ben's lips, a little breathless, still scared of what the future holds.

Friends don't kiss. They don't push each other against walls and sigh against each other. They're not friends anymore even though that connection is still there.

They're _something._ A small _maybe._

It's when Ben thumps his head back, hands on Callum's jaw and keeping him close as he breaks away that they stop kissing. Their chests have a healthy rise and fall, and Ben brushes his thumb against the stubble as he stares freely into the blue of Callum's eyes.

What do they say?

It feels as if anything will break this moment, tip it one way so heavily it'll be another week of ignoring each other, and Ben can't have that when he's felt Callum this close. 

_Shit._ There it is.

The growing feeling of regret. Ben shouldn't have done this, allowing someone so fragile in love this close, it's a recipe for disaster. He can't handle the tenderness, the hold of Callum's hand on his ribs, knowing once he's out that door, he'll wish they were everywhere.

"I can't do this to you," Ben breaks, and Callum watches his expression fall.

"I thought I was different," Callum replies, and Ben already mourns the loss of Callum's hands as he stands back.

"Which is exactly why I can't," he sniffs, wiping at his nose with his wrist. "I don't know how to be the guy you need."

"Ben—" Callum reaches for his hand, but Ben doesn't let him this time. Ben simply looks away, biting his lip.

"Callum," Ben repeats, and their names sound so right but wrong one after the other. "You told me to be me," and that reminder makes Callum close his eyes, "This is me."

And those eyes open to Ben reaching for the door handle, the rest of his words silent but loud in Callum's head.

_I don't stay._

The thud of his door pulls every good feeling he had from his throat like a fish on a line. It's awfully unsettling how Callum just sinks into the kitchen chair near him, staring at the wall he kissed Ben against. His fingers touch gently at his lips, remembering, and Callum doesn't move until Pip is walking into the room, looking tired.

He smiles at her, even more so when she places her head on his lap.

The growl of Ben's engine grows in stages, fading out along the way as he heads back home. Callum tips his head back, remembering the feeling of Ben's hands in his hair and wishes he'd stayed.

Even when Callum closes his eyes, trying to sleep in the warmth of his bed, he tosses and turns, restless. Ben's on his mind, his fingertips, his lips.

Callum kissed him and he can't take it back, but as he lays there and stares at the open window, soft blind blowing in the breeze, he asks himself a question.

_Would you take it back?_

And Callum bites his lip, a weight on his chest that isn't frightening. It's the weight of his own answer, the warmth that makes him curl up and makes him dream of better days.

He wouldn't take it back. He'd do it again and again.

Callum would still do it, still push Ben and kiss him without a second thought. But he does wonder about the other timeline, what would've happened if he let Ben walk away.

It's too late now, and it's definitely too late to stop himself feeling anything. Callum doesn't do well with loneliness, and now his heart is crying out for company, and Ben gave him a mere second of what it longs for.

Closeness, tender touches, held in a way that makes him feel wanted. He hasn't had that, never. It didn't feel anywhere near that before when his heart was mirrored to tell a lie.

It's almost 4AM, the momentary eclipse over and long forgotten. Callum lays there, well into the morning, thinking about how they're going to change, how they're going to pretend like they didn't just kiss each other. They both want more, hidden in how Callum held him, how Ben tilted his head to pour more into it.

Callum closes his eyes, lips cold as they remember and tries to sleep.

He can't.


	13. drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - mentions of grief
> 
> \- 
> 
> wanna say a big thank you to all of you who support this fic or my writing in general. the support is insane, and i never usually update this fast, so that's thanks to you guys giving me so much motivation.
> 
> saying that.. i almost had a fight with this chapter, but i think i was trying to live up to chapter 12 and it's just not gonna happen, so here! enjoy this.. mess?
> 
> ALSO!!!!! I WANNA JUST. CRY ABOUT [THIS GIFSET BENCAL MADE FOR 3AMRUSH!](https://bencalarchive.tumblr.com/post/614451595222106112/3am-rush-by-oceandawning-its-callum-always-is) I honestly cried, maybe more than once... go give it some love!! And thank you if youre reading this!!! this chapter is dedicated now in name to you!!
> 
> And also a thank you to jay for always helping me through these chapters. you're an angel.

Time ripples on, accelerated by machines capable of speed, rolling on into the night and singing in the morning with metallic echoes.

It's been a few hours since Callum kissed him, since Ben kissed him back.

And it's already destroying him.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing, Ben?" Jay is downright furious, prodding a finger to his chest as Ben steps out of his car. 

Ben's car is hot, tyres steaming. He's been pushing it too far.

"Racing, Jay," he brushes off his brother. "What else does it look like, _dancing?"_

This is Ben on a wire, ticked off in a way Jay has seen before. He's always like this when he's lost a war, when something is bothering him so bad it becomes second nature to think _everything_ and _everyone_ is against him.

"You're being reckless," Jay follows him as he steps past, trying to keep up with Ben. "You don't just challenge _every one_ and not get away with it. Some guy lost his car tonight because of you, because you _dared_ him to lose it."

"And? We've done it before. Give it to Peter, he'll make use of it." Ben still doesn't turn around, and even the sound of another race starting in the distance doesn't trip Ben on his way to clear his head.

"We don't do that — not anymore. It attracts too much attention from the wrong people," and that's enough to make Ben stop, turning and throwing his arms to the side.

"So what, Jay? So what if I attract the worst of the bunch?" Honestly, nothing feels worse than the wallowing in his chest, that mere hours ago he was kissing Callum in a world he wants to be in.

He wants to be in _Callum's world —_ peaceful and tender, warm and genuine, smiles and laughter. Ben can't step foot in it, withering the flowers he walks on every time he's near.

This, the sound of engines and cheers, bruised knuckles and late nights — _this_ is Ben. He can't just pack up and leave what he's known for so long, all for a single chance of having someone to wake up with in the morning again.

It seems easy now, to ignore it and pretend everything's fine, that Callum is just a hookup he got a little attached to, going back more than once. But he's not, Callum's very real because of Lexi, of Lola — his _family_ to the point where there's no possible way he can _forget_ him.

"You're not proving anything," Jay replies, up close and personal, knowing his brother won't listen until someone speaks it so close Ben can't ignore it. "Go home."

Ben just stares blankly. It's not sinking in, but it's making Ben think about what he could lose, what he's already lost.

"Stand out, make a name yourself, but if those guys see you trying to own this scene, they'll chase you until the same shit happens," Jay watches as Ben's face falls, remembering. "Go home, Ben. Anything but this, not again, or me and Peter will pack up and leave for good. We chose to follow you, don't make us regret it."

Ben looks past him, towards Peter, the same worried expression on his face that he doesn't see often. Usually, he's quite reserved, but for _Peter_ to show concern, maybe Jay is right.

Oh, what is he even saying? 

Of course he is.

"Fine," Ben shrugs, a smile on his face as if this is all fine. "Have it your way."

Jay texts him on his way back home, and Ben almost throws his phone as he reads it, parked on the drive of his house.

_[Jay, Monday, 03:34am]: don't come next week. lay low._

Worst part is, Ben knows he's right, but it doesn't make it any easier.

\- - -

_A WEEK LATER, SATURDAY_

He can't go with Peter and Jay tomorrow. Ben's split second decision to challenge everyone and take a few new cars home means there's heat on him. The more he stays out of it for the next few weeks or so, the less likely it is that Danny and his lot will move down from the north.

No one really owns this life, the invitations sent out by text, and then anyone who wants to join can just easily turn up. They're the legit ones, private land, not risking it all for the sake of pride.

The event last weekend wasn't. After kissing Callum, he needed to take his mind off things, and one way he can do that is to risk a whole lot more than just nameless faces. He invited Jay and Peter to the invitation only event, the _big_ one, the one with exotics and the _no prizes for second place_ mentality.

You don't win unless you win them all.

And Ben, he did, around thirty people, across the line first with nothing but a sly grin. It feels good, feels good to be in control, not with hands on his face and soft lips on his. Every time he was reminded of it, he felt his grip on the wheel loosen, as if he just wanted to slow down, stop running, go back to the man that held him with new nerves and soft promises.

But he didn't. The only reason he turned the car that night was to go back to the start line. A few people were annoyed by it, telling him that this isn't a one man's show. Ben made it that way, enjoyed doing it, Jay watching on from his own car with concern.

Ben knows he can't do this, can't make it as if he owns the scene even though he very well could — there's demons following him, men who _do_ own this scene more than anyone would like to admit.

He's going to avoid it, though. If he turns up again right now, he'll have a nasty visit from a pack of wild dogs, and frankly, Ben doesn't have the energy to deal with Danny's errand boys.

So he sets himself a task. This weekend, he'll work on the car, fixing his own as well because he pushed it as far as it could go last week. It needs new tyres, probably an engine check and definitely some new brakes. 

Well, Ben built that plan Friday night while watching some awful TV. Nothing seems interesting, not even his favourite movie. He's lost the appeal in most things, and Ben ignores the real reason why, crushing the name and trying to push it away before he can admit it to himself.

It's 2pm on a Saturday. Ben still isn't out of bed. The covers are too warm to leave, the peace and quiet almost comedic. Ben never likes this sort of thing, listening to birds and watching the afternoon sun creep across his room.

This seems like a Callum thing.

_Shit._

His name floods back as soon as he thinks of him, the way they kissed, the way Callum was so _warm._ Ben pulls on the duvet, pulling it over his head, hoping the darkness will plunge the thought of Callum away. It doesn't.

He's just reminded of when he closed his eyes, pulling Callum towards him again and wanting to stay. That was _Ben,_ all of it, the reason they _kept_ kissing because Callum was going to end it after the innocence of their first.

Ben was surprised, still is, that the guy he's losing sleep over kissed _him,_ _kept_ kissing him until Ben's guilt grabbed hold and pulled him away. Maybe this could be easier, that Ben can just accept Callum, to let him in, stay in this house and never leave and catch up on all the times life has chewed them both up and spit them out.

It's not that easy. Love is never easy, and even if he isn't in love with Callum, that's what it always comes to in the end. Ben _will_ love him if he lets him in, and that's the scary part. No matter how much he tries to be tougher than he is, the prodigal son of an empire, the esteemed young king — he just wants to fall in love.

Easy, melt your heart, soulmate level love. No one else needs to know that, just Ben and his own terrible and eager denial of ever admitting it.

Callum is someone he could learn to fall in love with, and it's closer than ever, having kissed him and taken that leap past friendship.

Well, that's if they still are.

Ben hasn't checked his phone for Callum in a week. He's answered Lola and Jay, a few other old friends too, but Callum's name remains bold, _new messages_ written under his name like a taunt.

He misses him. Ben's chest aches with the feeling of it, the weight of that reality crushing him. 

What he said that day, that he couldn't stand the silence, it's proven even more than true this week. Now, it's biological. Every time he thinks of Callum, he has a string of thoughts to drive to his house just to see him, and it's one of the reasons why he turned up to the restaurant last week to see him and ask why he was ignoring him.

No matter how much Ben doesn't want to cling to him, to pretend he has no interest in Callum whatsoever, the feelings bite back twice as hard.

Eventually, Ben gets up, hands pushed against his face and relieved that the entire bed is empty when he looks back. He thought about it, finding another guy, he has all week.

Monday this week, a day after the kiss, Ben went to his club, and he _never_ does on a Monday. He tried to find another guy, just anyone, kissing him senseless against the wall of a booth upstairs — and nothing.

It didn't feel the same. Ben told him to leave when the guy reached for his belt, not feeling it, especially not when all he could think about was Callum, how much it felt like _something_ kissing him and not the heat of the moment or a cheap five minutes. 

Then Friday night, he went to the club again, got so drunk he didn't even bother trying to kiss the guy that came up to him, going straight for words that bury and twist against the guy's spine. Ben riled him up, pushed but never pulled, and ended up being punched in his own club square across the jaw. His lip's cut because of it, a deep one that's still healing, bleeding when Ben irritates it.

He took his own anger out on some poor guy, nailing his distraught and damaged feelings on someone who was either trying to forget, or make something to remember.

And all Ben could do was slur his words, the alcohol burning his throat, scratching at the stubble he hasn't shaved and getting longer. He talked to him as if it was Callum there, standing right in front of him and somehow hoping it would solve everything.

Ben isn't that lucky. Forgiveness doesn't visit him often considering he always stares it in the face and drives it away. If people don't respect him for what he is, Ben couldn't care less. He's not going to make someone stay, to chase and hope they'll give him a second chance.

But he's believing that now, he just might.

After that night, Ben knew he couldn't do it anymore, to try and replace the thoughts of Callum.

It sucks. It does. Not having fun, not feeling numb for a few minutes, maybe more, but he can't help how much Callum has this invisible hold on his heart.

He takes a warm shower, eats some toast while listening to the humming melody of whatever song is playing on the radio. The weather's nice, and Ben turns around while munching to the empty expanse of his rather comfy house.

Ben pauses, feeling the shiver down his arm. He's alone. _So alone._

And that loneliness is a vessel for imagination. He looks to the stairs, a bubbling image of Callum walking down them with a smile on his face. Or he could be sitting on the sofa, watching the afternoon weather and deciding what they're going to do for the day after sleeping in.

Or, Ben could be leaning against him where he stands, Callum's back to the counter and his arms around Ben, hands on his stomach and kissing his hair.

_No. No._

_He can't think like this._

Ben eats his breakfast in record time, moving away from the place he daydreams about having cute, domestic Callum morning cuddles because for one — it's the afternoon, and second, Ben doesn't do soft and cuddly.

That's a Callum thing. It's why they won't work. There's voices in his head though, heart taunting, pulling strings — _could it work?_

 _"Fuck,"_ Ben clicks his tongue, heading upstairs to dress properly and then making his way back outside.

Honestly, it's a little bruising seeing his car in such a state. He's even chipped some of the paint on the front fender, running his thumb over where he made contact with another racer. 

It would've been a much bigger dent if his plan was to go race tomorrow. There's no point in risking it just because he feels awful, that he wants to somehow distract himself so badly from the thought of Callum that he'll risk a lot more than just his pride.

He can't do it. Perhaps this whole racing thing is going too far too often, and that he needs to slow it down and take a step back, settle a little. 

But Ben's young, and _settled_ means actually being happy, content with everything in his life but at the minute he's not. There's too much emptiness, too much pain, too many questions in his head that the longer he denies answers, the more he's going to feel the aftermath.

Callum, he could settle, couldn't he? Give Ben back the car, buy his own, find a nice guy at the club this weekend and take one step closer to a life he deserves. Ben thinks about that, more often than not, about Callum deserving to find love.

Ben wishes Callum could find it in Ben — _love,_ because Ben can't even love himself, and maybe then he'll find it. It's why he's set on no attachments, no promises of a future because that's where Ben starts to trip. He's good at short, mini memories, a quick fumble in the dark, a second time if they're lucky and he's feeling particularly lonely. There's no price to pay for that except the drain on his heart, denying it from anything other than four minutes of elevation and that's it.

Love — that's too expensive for Ben, because he's never had much of it. Used as a weapon against him, spoken to him sometimes on lost nights because the guy he's with is just as lonely as Ben.

It's uncharted water. Only once did he dare to sink, let someone pull him up to see the sky again — but now he's drowning. 

There's no one there to save him anymore, that love taken away from him, left to stare at the surface that gets more blurry with each day.

Fear. It scares Ben, that he'll sink until he reaches the bottom, his heart so cold he'll start to sound like someone else, losing all fight to even try, to simply skip every guy he would've slept with before and sit, and wait.

He'll sit and wait until something shines in the dark, but even then, who knows if he'll have the strength to follow it, to find his own happiness when life has stolen almost everything from him.

Ben loves Lexi, of course he does, but Ben hasn't felt the love that he needs.

The love that hugs so close, the love that walks along the surface of your skin and makes you feel grounded — _human._ Ben feels like an empty vessel, a puppet for his own bad habits because there's nothing to keep him anchored, empty except a few memories, a lost name and the fight to try and prove himself.

Ben turns to the garage, realising he's practically analysed himself in his own head, and it doesn't help to think that very storm can be tamed by a simple someone.

But Callum isn't just anybody, and not knowing what he is or how he feels except that fleeting moment they had, it scares Ben that he'll lose that too — the first bit of light after so much dark.

He can't spend his whole day arguing with himself, trying to convince one way or another that he's being way too drastic and cautious about this, but Ben has reasons.

Inner wounds never heal, forever there, and the only way they heal is with something to numb the pain.

As he reverses his car into the workshop, Ben tries to ignore that the amount of guys he sleeps with are temporary painkillers, a moment of relief.

But as soon as they pack up and leave, or when the sun rises and Ben has to kick them out, that's when the pain comes back, steady and then sharp, like snapping a bone. The pain is so overwhelming, the loneliness like drowning, and Ben keeps doing it just for a few minutes of salvation, even if he never moves from the sea floor.

"Let's get you fixed up, shall we?" Talking to a car. Maybe he is going mad.

Ben sets himself to work, playing the music loud and shrugging off his jacket. He keeps the garage door open, the afternoon sun mellow but enough to be warm and comforting.

For a moment, he allows his mind to slip back to Callum, how where the sun touches his neck from light years away was where _he_ once did. Callum felt warmer, a lot closer to home.

He shakes his head, pushing his hands to his face and rubbing. No more Callum, no more blind dreaming about him no matter how much his heart yearns that false reality.

Ben pops the bonnet, sighing at the worrying state of it after last week and writes down on a notepad what he needs to fix. Usually he'd do it without the shopping list looking reminder, but he doesn't trust himself when his mind is so focused on someone else, or more specifically what Ben could be _with_ that someone else.

After it's noted down, Ben gets to work. He knows cars inside and out from his time back on the square, considering it's one of the few things he got from there that was actually beneficial. 

The hours tick by, going inside for a glass of water every now and then, opening the fridge to be reminded of the four fairy cakes left over that Callum made with Lexi the last time he was here.

He remembers sitting on the sofa, nursing a coffee while trying to find a movie for them to rent for later. Lexi laughed so loud Ben had to turn around, noticing Callum's shocked expression, nose and cheek covered in flour.

She pointed at him, laughing, and Callum slowly smiled, as if the bag of flour he just opened didn't backfire.

_"That was you!"_

_"Me? I didn't do anything!"_ Lexi had replied, Callum tickling her until she helped wipe the flour off his face.

He also remembers the proud smile he gave him when the set of 24 cakes were all lined up, all decorated with hundreds and thousands, pink, purple and blue icing poured over them in every which way.

Callum was beaming, giving Lexi a high five, and not long after colliding into Callum to give him a hug.

 _"Careful!"_ He'd said, having found a stool for Lexi to comfortably reach the kitchen island. _"Don't want you to fall."_

_"Thank you, Callum!"_

Ben shuts the fridge door, biting his bottom lip. He scratches against his stubble, walking back until he thumps against the island.

_What do I do?_

He can't ignore him until he next sees him, and it's not a matter of _if,_ only _when._ Lexi adores him, and he curses himself for letting Callum in like that, because now he won't ever let go since he'll be risking Lexi's happiness for the sake of his own. Ben would do anything for Lexi, even this.

Maybe there'll come a time where he has to break that, push Callum away, and he should do it now before it's too late. But the reality is, he can't.

Why? That's always the billion dollar question.

Ben decides on a beer instead of what would've been a glass of water. He pops the lid and heads back out to the garage. It's almost six now, and the sun is starting to retire below the horizon, the sky bursting with mellow reds and purples.

He stops for a moment, looking up as the breeze brushes past him. 

_You're probably laughing at me, ain't you?_

Ben sniffs, taking a swig of his beer and starting to walk again. He kicks a stone or two on the way, sighing when he reaches the car, placing the bottle down with more than a thump.

This is driving him insane. Even something he loves doing, mindless fixes on his car, is sending him towards the edge.

His phone sits idle by his beer, and Ben glances towards it, practicing messages he could send to Callum in his head.

_I need you._

_I miss you._

_I don't know what we are._

_But I want to know._

_Can you come over?_

Ben wouldn't ever text it, admit that he misses someone, that he needs someone else beside himself. So he clicks his tongue, turning away and for a moment it feels as if he's walked into a chilled air pocket.

He can't ignore him for much longer, and he knows that.

It'll be a week tomorrow since he kissed him, and Callum is suddenly being marked as a historical event in his life, so significant that Ben plots time with the memories of him. And there's a voice in his head, swimming in denial but identical to Ben's own voice.

_There'll be more._

Problem is, Ben is so stuck on denying himself a breath with Callum that he's starting to feel strangled. It shouldn't be this difficult for Ben to have a friend, but even then, they're not friends and even if they were in their own way, Callum could've broken it off by now.

Callum's texts could say anything, from wishing he never did it to asking if they're still alright. Hell, he could even be asking for it again, wanting to try.

It's another hour before he gives in, and the only reason why is because when he shuts the bonnet after an oil change, he's reminded of the sunrise.

And how Callum was there, with him, _all of him._

Not the facade he puts on, not the jokes and witty remarks batted as far as he can swing — Ben opened up and Callum didn't exploit it. He listened.

Right now, Ben could do with that, a listener, someone to help clear his head and hope it all makes sense.

He reaches for his phone, turning around and sinking against the front of his car until he's sitting on the ground. The palms of his feet are flat against the floor, knees up to lean his arms on as he unlocks his phone.

His wallpaper.

He forgot he _fucking changed it._

Callum, Pip and Lexi, all bright smiles, a stick way too big for Pip making her head lean to one side as she holds it in her jaw. Lexi is hugging Callum as he sits on his knees, the afternoon sun painting them in soft hues.

Lexi asked for it. 

_"Can we take a picture? Please? I can show Mom!"_ She'd pulled at Ben's coat, knowing his phone was in there. Callum was completely oblivious, talking to Pip and laughing.

_"You know you're not gonna' fit that in the car, right?"_

Pip grumbled, and seeing Callum's smile, the way Pip looks up at him like she's going to prove him wrong, Ben said yes.

And when he saved it, there was an option — _set image as phone wallpaper?_

Ben obviously chose the worst decision, and now his heart _aches._ He presses the screen against his forehead, thinking about how much he's falling for a guy when he said to himself it wasn't possible, not after his heart has been ripped out before and hasn't found it since.

He brings the phone back, looking at the wallpaper and smiling a little. They look like a little family, a broken one now found, Pip returning and bringing what feels like an even bigger puppy with them.

Taking a deep breath, he thumps his head back against the car, the wind cold but not uncomfortable as he faces the outside world. 

Ben's thumb hovers over Callum's name, knowing that if he does, he can't take it back and Callum will be aware he's read them. Whatever they are, blind apologies or pleads for Ben to forgive him, it's going to break Ben's last resolve.

After this, he can't deny what he feels. But it doesn't mean he's not absolutely _petrified._

Closing his eyes, Ben presses his name, the screen switching into the conversation, and when Ben opens his eyes to see, there's a wall of text.

Some are short bursts, divided between days. The ticks turn blue, and his heart sinks. Time stops as he reads, feeling each word dig in and take root.

_[Callum, Monday, 02:34am]: i'm so sorry_

_[Callum, 02:36am]: i shouldn't have kissed you_

_[Callum, 02:39am]: please text me back. I dont want you doing anything stupid because of me_

_[Callum, 02:40am]: i know what you're like, please don't do anything you'll regret_

_[Callum, 03:12am]: please text me back ben_

_[Callum, Wednesday, 16:34pm]: just finished work. Can I come over?_

_[Callum, 16:34pm]: or just ypng you_

_[Callum, 16:35pm]: ring*_

_[Callum, 21:23pm]: went to your house. you're not even home or you're ignoring me. please just let me know youre ok_

_[Callum, Thursday, 12:34pm]: [image attached]_

_[Callum, 12:34pm]: send this to lexi? pip got a new collar, think she'd love to see it_

_[Callum, 12:37pm]: you're meant to have her this week, right? i hope she's alright._

_[Callum, 12:34pm]: and you._

_[Callum, Friday, 23:03pm]: i really fucking miss you_

_[Callum, 23:14pm]: i don't want what i did to ruin us. Please just let me talk to you_

_[Callum, 23:18pm]: ben. please_

Ben drops his phone, dropping his head too, allowing it to fall between his knees, trying to keep the sting back.

This entire time he was thinking about how Callum probably ended things, or just asking why he left and nothing more.

But in reality, Callum was chasing after him without Ben even knowing. He even sent a picture of Pip to make sure that Lexi knew they were okay even if they themselves weren't. Callum thought of Ben, thought of Ben's little girl and all Ben could think about was his own feelings.

Looking out, he lifts his head, and his thoughts make an awfully distorted image of Callum's car. Maybe the tears are just distorting his vision, threatening to fall, irritating and _there_ without Ben even realising.

But as he wipes them away with his sleeve, he's not there. Life wouldn't just _gift_ him the thing he wants. He has to work twice as hard, sacrifice just as much and barely be able to stand by the time Ben reaches the end.

Callum is willing to chase him, but he might not be patient, or he could've given up already. 

Once again, Ben is proven wrong, because his phone screen illuminates from where it lays on the floor. Ben looks down, picking it up slowly to see the new message.

_[Callum, Today, 19:34pm]: ben?_

_Fuck._ Has Callum been waiting by his phone?

And Ben could laugh at the voice that speaks in his thoughts, shaking his head — _must be a Callum thing._

Ben can't leave him out in the cold, more figuatively than literally, and his heart takes the reins and _pulls._

_[Ben]: can we talk_

_[Callum]: i can ring you if you want_

Ben bites his tongue, tipping his head back again and sniffs. He could just ring him, but it's going to be difficult to hear his voice and the emotions at the same time. Either way, he's going to be face to face with the man who's taken so much headspace.

_[Ben]: can you come here?_

_[Callum]: where, ben?_

_[Ben]: my house_

_[Callum]: ok_

Even after ignoring him for practically a whole week, Callum is still willing to go to Ben instead of Ben going to Callum. It all feels wrong, that Ben won't get up and drive to Callum's house, to say sorry and hope it can fix what he's now broken.

Callum thinks it's his fault, but Ben was the one to pull him back, kiss him even more, put ideas in his head that he was going to stay. Even when Callum said he couldn't, he didn't make a move to kick him out.

Ben thumps his head back against the car, passing his phone from one hand to the other as the voice in his head switches to Callum's, reading out the text message that dug deep the most.

_I really fucking miss you._

Maybe it was desperation, perhaps he was drunk, but Callum admitting he misses Ben sends something so cold to his stomach that the guilt almost swallows him whole.

He's missed him too. A lot. It's no use trying to ignore it now because it's destroying Ben from the inside, and knowing Callum is on his way to meet him again elevates his nerves to a point where it feels like he's going to be sick.

What does he say? Will Ben even be able to look him in the eye?

Of course he will, it's _Ben._ No one is as stubborn and more determined to keep his image than he is, and there's no possible way a mere fleeting crush can break the amount of _years_ he's been raised that way.

It doesn't prepare Ben for Callum's car, though, coming to a slow halt at the end of the driveway. From where Ben sits, it's in the middle of his vision, and he's reminded of the fact twenty minutes have passed since he texted him. Ben was so lost in thought that time escaped him.

Now he has none of it.

Callum steps out, and Ben looks towards the ground in front of him. Now he's here, Ben doesn't know what to do. Yeah, he told him to come here, but now that reality is playing out, Ben feels awfully isolated.

All Ben can think of is that he misses Callum, and now that he's here, his heart aches even more.

His footsteps grow closer, and Ben closes his eyes. He can't do this. It's only going to make it harder to break away from him, because the more Callum sticks around with that hearty smile and warm comfort, he's going to take root in Ben's heart.

And to pull it out, it'd cause more pain than anything else.

It goes silent for a moment, Callum probably waiting for him to say something, but then Ben feels two fingers under his chin, a gentle press. A thumb joins in, pressed to his cheek as his head slowly lifts from where it hangs between his shoulders.

Ben opens his eyes to see Callum, looking at him with worried, distant eyes. _God —_ Ben's almost forgotten how blue his eyes are, and his lips part to say something, a witty line, but all he can do is stare while Callum runs his thumb over his bottom lip, over the cut.

"Who did this to you?" asks Callum, tone a little deep, as if seeing Ben hurt flicks a tiny switch in his brain, the protective side, the side that never leaves a man behind.

"Technically," Ben starts, trying to keep composure when Callum looks down to the cut, eyebrows slightly drawn. "It was me."

Callum glances back up to his eyes, "Technically you punched yourself?"

Ben smiles at him, and Callum smiles back. Maybe they haven't lost each other at all.

As Callum lets go, standing back up, he messes with the car keys in his pockets before stepping beside Ben, sinking down to the floor as he is. Ben doesn't move, just _breathes_ when his right knee knocks with Callum's.

This is stupid. _Why is he so caught up like this?_

And the silence goes on. Callum doesn't say anything, placing two milkshakes down in the space between them as he puts his legs together.

Ben looks, just for a moment, gritting his teeth together to keep his smile at bay.

"We're not lovers," whispers Ben, reaching down to pick up the chocolate one.

"We're something," replies Callum, leaning his arms on his knees.

Ben looks at him for a moment, trying to judge his expression but it's completely blank. If anything, he looks almost sorry, as if all of this is his fault.

"I didn't mean to do it — well, I _did,"_ Callum stares at his car in the distance, picking at the ends of his red sweater. "But I shouldn't have done it. I — messed everything up."

As Ben listens, he realises how much peace there is now. Not just in sound, but _feeling_ as if there's peace. Ben doesn't hear any of the loud whispers, nor his own thoughts racing round and bumping into each other.

Callum, being here, is like someone putting up an umbrella for him in torrential rain. And it's Callum holding it, looking down to him and hoping that one day Ben will do the same for him.

"You didn't," Ben takes a sip, Callum remaining still beside him. "I'm the one that pulled you back in."

"I started it," Callum sniffs. "I snapped."

"You beat me to it," admits Ben, seeing that Callum turns to him out of the corner of his eye.

"What?"

"I already told you, Callum," Ben turns his head towards him, watching as Callum searches his face for whatever he's hoping to find. "Can't get you out of my head, can I?"

There's a small smile, Callum not used to hearing words such as that, that someone took the time to remember him. But somehow, the way Ben says it sounds like a bad thing, and as it settles in his stomach, heavy like concrete, Callum has to look away.

Ben does too, focusing back on the milkshake, condensation from the cold clinging to the plastic. It feels like this could go either way, and Ben not being able to control the outcome unless he steps one foot forward into the unknown scares him.

"What do we do now?" Callum asks, voice a little broken, treading in deep, dark waters. He doesn't know how to react to all of this, having open and very real feelings for a man that doesn't seem to give a clear answer back.

"Pretend it never happened," Ben replies almost immediately, no breath between. If he took any longer to say it, he wouldn't have.

For Callum, it's not that easy, and he feels his heart _stretching_ at the words, moments from being torn already.

"Just like that?"

"Yeah," says Ben, but there's a quake in his voice. It's the only thing Callum can hang on with to know Ben is just shutting himself away. "Just a mistake, right? We were both angry, both confused. It happens."

Callum hasn't touched his milkshake since he put it down. Now, he probably should because his throat feels dry, as if whatever he's going to say won't make a difference anyway. Ben is already set on forgetting them, forgetting the minute of what they had.

"It wasn't to me," admits Callum, and the fear of being laughed at dwells in his jaw, clenching his teeth together and swallowing. "It meant something."

Ben pauses, taking another sip of his milkshake and laughing quietly to himself. Callum closes his eyes at the sound, hands clenching. It's just as Callum thought, that he's just another in a long line of nameless faces.

He just got a bit too attached to this one.

"I told you. I don't do — _this,"_ Ben gestures between them. "It's not me."

"It could be," argues Callum, turning his head towards him from where it still leans against the car. "You said it yourself."

"And what did I say, Callum?" He's got a smirk on his face, an extra barrier for whatever Callum has to say in reply.

"That I'm different," Callum catches the way Ben's eyes soften, frown not so heavy on his face anymore.

"I say that to every guy once in a while," shrugs Ben, picking at the lid of the milkshake, knowing that this was all a mistake. It's only a matter of time before the exact same thing happens — Ben's going to break. "You know, if they're good."

Callum looks away, "So I am, then? Just another?"

Ben parts his lips, about to say something, but he stops himself. He's about to say _yeah, you are,_ but it feels awfully hot against his throat, _burning._

It's a lie, that's why. He wants to push Callum away but at the same time, he doesn't. Ben always falls back quicker than he can step forward and admit he's wrong.

"Well, we haven't done it, 'ave we? Just kissed. You're not even another yet," Ben thought it sounded better in his head, but now, to his own ears, it sounds like a cry for help.

The only thing he knows about love is to ignore it.

"Doesn't make any difference, Ben," Callum finally picks up the milkshake, taking a sip and realising how awful it tastes. It's sweet, the way he likes it, but it's not going down well. "You still thought about it that way."

And he did. It's like a sharp object against his chest, opening the wound more, guilt like tar on his lungs because for a moment in time, he did.

He saw Callum as any other the first night, intriguing. But after that first day with Lexi, it all changed. Everything changed.

"Why do you even stick around, Callum?" Ben finally turns to focus on him, anger pinned to his face quicker than he spoke his words.

Callum doesn't say anything, just keeps looking at him with that soft expression, cooling the fires in Ben's mind, but only slightly.

"I don't know," Callum says, whispered and broken, shrugging, as if somehow Ben will understand him anyway. "You're the first close friend I've had in years, and being with your family feels like I have one too."

He values Ben's family as something precious, something to hold for years to come. And saying it, Callum realises how alone he is, looking out to the car and feeling the sting. He's not going to cry, but loneliness always hits the eyes first, knowing that if you can't see the people around you, it sinks home even more how big the world is.

"I have something with you, Ben, and I have no idea what it is — and I'm _scared,_ but I don't want to lose it."

"Life ain't that perfect, Callum," Ben talks from experience, and Callum just shakes his head beside him.

"It can be."

"Christ, what are you? The positivity parade?" Ben scoffs as he takes another sip of his milkshake. "If my life was perfect I'd be married to the hottest guy going right now, living out in Miami somewhere — sun, sea and all the time in the world to think about how worse my life could be."

Callum laughs at him, not quite believing that Ben doesn't see any happy outcomes. But then again, Ben probably hasn't had any, and he definitely hasn't. It's not like he's living through one now, either, stuck on a guy he doesn't feel as if he deserves and gently balancing a quiet life. 

Well, despite the cars and hookups. But for Ben, that's normal, almost bread and butter. Getting hung up on a guy _isn't_ normal for him, not for this long.

"I think you make yourself out to be worse than you are," Callum states, almost out of nowhere.

Ben doesn't quite believe it. If only his worst enemies could hear that, they'd all laugh and say Callum's lost it.

"You know, people who know me would call you mad for saying that," chuckles Ben, falling back into silence for a few seconds.

And then it's more seconds, ticking on and on as Callum thinks about that.

"I've seen worse evil," Callum places his milkshake down between his legs, carefully so there's no noise. This moment is so finite, stuck in a bubble compared to the rest of the world, and Callum doesn't want to disturb it.

Ben turns his head to him, only slightly. He knows what he's referencing, and the way Callum's face falls in remembering it makes Ben want to reach out and — _touch. Anything_ to heal the pain in his eyes.

"Every day it haunts me, but being with you helps remind me there's some good, no matter how odd that good is. As long as I have it, as long as I keep it — I'll be okay," and Callum places his hand on the floor, strength gone in his arms. "That's you, Ben."

It hurts, it _hurts so much_ how Callum's words wrap around him and fizz over his skin. He's saying that _Ben,_ the guy hated by over half of the people he's met in his life is somehow the saving grace of the shadows that follow Callum.

Somehow, Ben breathes new life into Callum, making him feel as if all of those years treading through sand and pummeled by heat and the sound of metal is finally worth something — that he can land softly, find home in Ben and the family he has. He's not on his toes, fearing the future, he's there waiting with an open hand, and the only thing Ben has to do is take it.

"What do you think, then?"

Callum hums in reply.

Ben pauses, lips parted to say something, but it takes a second try for them to come out.

"About me," Ben tries to laugh it off, as if whatever Callum is going to say doesn't matter. That this doesn't matter.

It does, though. Ben can deny it all he wants, but he's practically praying in his head that Callum will say something good about him. If Callum has mercy for him, maybe heaven will too.

Callum stays silent, taking a moment to swallow and tip his head back, the car cold against his skin.

"That you were raised for war," Callum doesn't glance towards Ben as he says it, closing his eyes and allowing the words he's saying to sink in. "But you don't want to fight anymore."

There's silence, and Callum thinks he's said the wrong thing, but when he looks at him, Ben's already staring back with a face that can reflect only longing.

Callum understands him, can link it from the last time Ben said something about his Dad. He's been made to always prove himself at the expense of others, and most of all, his _own happiness._

And Callum's seen it a lot, even in himself when it comes to other people and making them happy. He's lied to himself for years, and he has no idea that Ben's done the same.

They're similar in so many ways but so different at the same time.

It's a wake up call, that somehow Callum sees right through him even with the little distance he's given him. He's chosen to sit and listen to Ben, to give him honesty and hope Ben doesn't laugh at him afterwards.

And it's something so rare, so lost in Ben's world that it takes him by surprise, making his hands feel cold.

Callum waits, giving him a smile that says _you don't have to be anyone else,_ and he's reminded of the dawn again. It's almost silly how much he can remember it, Callum holding his hand, how he told him to _be Ben,_ and that he has Callum in whatever way he meant it.

Maybe he means this, understanding. That no matter how much Ben will try to say he's this unworthy, lost man — Callum can see it too, and he accepts it. 

It's going to be a part of Ben for years, probably his whole life, and Callum is sitting there as a friend, or whatever he is, and telling Ben that it's okay.

Ben can't do this, can't look back and smile because his jaw is so tense, head pounding, chest constricted. He feels it instead of thinking it, and it's so overwhelming that Ben leans sideways, a hand to Callum's cheek as he kisses him.

And for a moment, he doesn't think Callum is going to do anything, but then he's kissing him back, slow and nervous. The angle doesn't help, so Ben moves, closing the distance between them, Callum picking up the milkshake between his legs and putting it aside as Ben clasps his hands onto his face.

Callum has to lean his head up to kiss back, and Ben's aware that this is going against everything he was telling himself this past week.

_Don't fall for him — don't let him in._

It's useless, because now he has one knee over Callum as they kiss, Callum's hands floating in the air by his waist until they settle there.

Ben's weight on Callum feels welcome, pulling him back down to solid ground after throwing a rope out to Ben. He honestly believed he'd tell him to walk, not to analyse him, but with the way Ben's kissing him, they've missed each other. _Badly._

Callum is young at heart, though, and he's not so fearful of it to ignore this, what's happening to them as Ben's hand moves down to his neck, the other still cupping his cheek.

He pushes Ben back, breathing deep for a few seconds, watching how Ben's eyes are glazed over. From tears or something else, he doesn't know.

"Friends don't kiss, Ben," his chest rises and falls, only a little, and Ben doesn't seem to listen to him.

He's just sat there, on his lap, taking in Callum's face as if he's remembering it. Ben already believes that it's over, that he's lost Callum before he's even had the chance to be with him longer than a fleeting moment.

"I know," and he does, but it doesn't mean Ben doesn't want to twist the rules of everything his way. Ben looks down, not able to look at Callum without going against everything he wants to say. "I just — I don't know how to be more, and you can't ask that of me."

"Ask what?"

Ben grips his sweater tight as his hands drop, his lips wobbling, and he has to move back to breathe.

"I can't, Callum," Ben finally meets his eyes again, and Callum's face shifts as he realises, his hand coming up to Ben's cheek, thumb moving over his stubble.

He's scared of it. Callum knows now.

"Can we just — have _this?"_ Ben will keep trying, even if it hurts.

_"Ben—"_

_"Callum,_ please," Ben moves his hands to Callum's face, bringing his head up to meet him, flicking between his eyes as his lips hang open. _"I don't wanna' lose you."_

It's a double edged sword. If Callum allows them to do this, then Ben is going to break his heart when Callum can't pretend it's nothing anymore. And the second, is that Callum will break Ben when he realises he deserves more than just a lucky maybe.

Callum swallows, allowing the words to sink in before he's closing the distance, kissing Ben with a softness that makes Ben sigh through his nose.

Ben curls his arms around his neck, pulling him in every now and then as they kiss, Callum's hands new but firm as they hold his head.

Callum's heart is too good, too forgiving and too lonely not to give in. He's hoping he doesn't regret it, but when he's kissing Ben, it's as if nothing can go wrong, not when they're ignoring the world around them.

When they move back, distancing themselves so they're not together and going about their lives — that's when they'll realise it's all for nothing. Temporary love, temporary highs. They'll keep coming back, again and again until one of them can't anymore.

It feels right — _but it's so wrong._

They're broken, complete in odd ways that digs the pain deeper. Ignoring what this means, it's only going to open old wounds and place new ones in places that can't heal.

But Callum can't say no, can't turn away from Ben when he's practically begging someone to love him but scared to say it. It's a mistake, an expensive mistake neither of them can afford, but love is never easy.

There's no going back now, and the most frightening thing about it is that Callum, nor Ben, regret it.

Ben is going to pretend this all means nothing when it's drowning him, and Callum's going to see it as everything he's been wishing for.

And that's what hurts the most — two opposite forms of denial, twisting deep so brutal there's only two outcomes. Either they both walk away barely breathing, or they both become stranded at the bottom of the ocean, waiting for someone else to pull them up and try again.

"I'm not another, then," Callum asks when they break, forehead against Ben's, breathing the same air. "Just — a _maybe_ to you?"

Ben can't answer him, kissing him again, and Callum can't stand the silence, but it's all he has.

It's all _they_ have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song i used during the final scene was [this one!](https://open.spotify.com/track/5BwdyxJeUuf40VQ4BXJXlt?si=Y7MSNbWCQgGoLbmUqzjjLw)


	14. golden seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is rated mature, meaning it's going to have mature scenes — nothing explicit so you wont find any of those scenes in this fic but it'll get close enough without being explicit. Just a future warning
> 
> anyway, this is like, 12k, so theres bound to be a typo, sorry 😭

_heavy is the crown, guarded is the heart._

_oh, to watch the slow fall of someone so great,_

_only to see them grow into something more._

_the chances are slim, but those hands can hold on,_

_and he prays they will._

  
\- - -

_SUNDAY_

"So you're grounded?" says Callum, placing a chip in his mouth.

Ben looks up from his phone placed on the table, thanking the waitress as she places down his meal. His expression is nothing short of a _little offended._

He's been telling Callum about why he's not racing tonight, and even though he can see the mild worry on Callum's face, he's doing his best to let Ben explain before he makes up wild theories.

"Grounded? Since when did people start using that again?" Ben gives him a small smile, and Callum looks away, back down to his meal. "And, no, not necessarily. I just need to act like I have no interest in it for a couple of weeks."

Callum frowns — _a couple of weeks?_ What on _earth_ did Ben do that was so bad? He's about to ask why it's going to be so long, but Ben raises his hand towards him.

"No! You're not allowed to ask why," Ben meticulously uses the silence to carefully remove the _green shit_ from his burger, as he calls it.

If Ben's not allowing him to ask, he's going to point fingers at something else, "If I made that burger and you did that, I would've been rather offended," and they both meet eyes when Ben flicks his gaze up to him. "You can ask to have it without salad?"

Ben's shoulders fall, shaking his head, _"God give me strength._ Going out to lunch with a chef is always a bad idea."

Callum laughs, and the sound is enough to make Ben smile even brighter.

It's around 1pm, Callum having asked Ben out to lunch yesterday after they had finally managed to _stop kissing._ He can't even remember how long they were sat there, Ben's car digging into his back from how much Ben leaned forward, as if he couldn't get enough.

Callum's phone ringing broke them off, Whitney's name on the screen, and Ben patted his chest and simply said; _"Well, looks like I've stolen enough of your time."_ And the distant longing in his expression made Callum pull him back in, arms tight around his waist until the phone clicked back to silence.

Ben still had his eyes closed when Callum pulled back, and Callum had the slightest thought of staying the night, whatever _that_ would entail. But nerves set in, and it's way too early to jump so far ahead when they've messily signed a dotted line on an already faintly outlined contract.

"I'm just saying," Callum raises both hands in mild surrender. "You've wasted that salad now."

"And?" Ben moves it to the corner of his plate, picking up a chip on his way. "It's my food."

"Unbelievable," mutters Callum, picking up his burger for the first time since it arrived, a moment before Ben's did. 

"Well, I _am_ unbelievable in a lot of things, Callum," the way his smile shifts to a smirk tells Callum a lot.

"Please don't start," Callum gestures to his food. "I'm eating."

"Start what? I didn't say anything," teases Ben, laughing to himself when Callum glares at him.

"You and your antics," Callum picks up his drink, not a milkshake this time, thankfully. He doesn't want another excuse to be talking to Ben about what they are.

He has enough of a headache from thinking about it last night; how good it felt to be _himself_ and having someone want him, kissing him. Callum's never had it before, and as much as it pains him to have it this way, there's no other options unless he goes out looking. A part of him isn't ready for that bit — the part of him that has to lose hope of Ben.

"It's just sex."

Callum almost spits out his drink. But then instead of shock, it annoys him. Perhaps they really are two opposites fighting to make it work.

 _"Just sex?_ How can you say that so… casually?" questions Callum, but then Ben's nonchalant expression should've given him the answer from the start.

"That's all it is, sex. Don't need to make a big deal out of it." 

For a moment, Callum is about to argue back, to say he's wrong and that it's different for a lot of people. But he can't ignore Ben's face, the subtle frown, distant stare. Callum has a feeling that Ben has lost interest in it, a means to an end, never having a purpose for it other than to forget or feel something.

Callum wants to reach out, hold his hand and tell him he can talk if he wants to, but Ben is smiling again, looking up to Callum with mischief in his eyes.

"Cat got your tongue?" he says, and Callum stutters, still momentarily caught in his thoughts about Ben.

"Stop sayin' that word," grumbles Callum, biting his burger so he has the inability to reply to whatever Ben says while he chews.

"S—"

"Stop!" He has to say it with his mouth full.

Callum almost crushes his burger, looking to the side and hoping no one can hear his antics. Thankfully, but not so thankful himself, is that Callum was the only one to hear it.

"Yeah — I ain't ready for all of _that stuff._ I'm fine just kissin'. Besides, it apparently means a lot more to me than it does to you," Callum places the burger down to pick up a chip, the buzz of the diner helping him keep calm. He would've been shaking with nerves by now if it weren't for the mellow tune of classic music overhead.

He can feel Ben watching him, and a quick glance confirms that he is, an expression that can only reflect his interest in Callum, wanting to figure him out.

"Don't have to go all the way," and that smirk is back, even as he bites into a chip. The stubble is still there, tamed a little but Callum can't forget how that felt against him when kissing. "A few gentleman handshakes and nothing more."

It doesn't click straight away, but when it does, Callum's nose wrinkles, shaking his head, "You're disgusting. I'm trying to eat."

"So you ain't denying it?" and Ben concludes that he somehow deserves the stern kick Callum gives him under the table.

"Can we please talk about something else? Or should I request they put my half eaten burger in a takeaway box?"

Ben huffs, "Damn, you're really that bothered about it?"

Callum glances at him, fear and subtle anger hidden there, and Ben feels as if that's enough of an answer. Fair play to him.

They settle into their food, and Ben tries to find something to say, not wanting this to be the only time he spends with Callum today. He could invite him out, but there's a high chance Callum will say no to avoid the early stages of whatever they are.

But there is one thing he's been wanting to ask, friends with small benefits aside.

"You want to come with me and Lexi to the zoo? Wednesday this week?"

Callum is a bit surprised, blinking at him, finishing his last chip before replying, "Oh, what for?" A dumb thing to say, but Callum doesn't want to give away how much that made him feel giddy.

"To… join us?" Ben laughs, but continues regardless. "I didn't have her this week because I told Lola I couldn't do it. So, I said I'd make it up to her. She doesn't know where she's going, but I have a good idea that if you also turn up, then I'll be in the good books again."

"Oh, so I'm just there to make you look good for inviting me?" Sitting back, Callum places his hands in his pockets after wiping them on the napkin.

Ben _contemplates_ ignoring how good Callum looks today, with his green bomber jacket, hair that isn't gelled and moving with him. And then his eyes wander, and hell, his shoulders are so _wide —_

 _"No,"_ Ben replies, kicking himself. "She likes you, always talks about you."

Callum beams, "Yeah?"

"Frankly she cares more about you than me these days."

Clicking his tongue, Callum nudges him with his foot, making Ben look at him, "That ain't true. She loves you, and you don't see how she talks about you."

Ben smiles, a genuine one, but they never last long. Callum knows that by now, mourns every single one like it's the last he'll ever see because that's Callum, isn't it? Wanting to see the good in people, on the outside _and_ in.

"She's my little angel," Ben warms at Callum's smile. "I just — want to be a good Dad, one she won't hate."

"You're a better Dad than mine ever was," replies Callum, smiling a little wider when Ben's face falls. "Hard to believe a compliment when you don't believe it yourself."

Ben's heart pounds, a few words just enough to send him a little speechless. It shows how little he's heard them; words of praise and acceptance of being _good,_ of being _enough._

"Quite poetic, aren't you?" It's an easy joke to hide the way his eyes well up quickly, blinking them away. Callum doesn't see, too far back.

"Nah, just me, ain't it?"

"Whoever you marry is gonna' have the most tear jerking vows if it's anything like that," Ben laughs, ignoring the glimmer of another weird, odd thought appearing.

"Why? You cryin'?" Callum moves forward, trying to see Ben closer as he leans across the table, and Ben blanks when Callum places a quick kiss to his cheek. And then the horror when he sits down, "I'm allowed to do that, right?"

Now Ben laughs for a good reason, feeling a small flush at the back of his neck. God, he should _not_ be blushing at something so small and insignificant, but that's just as much as a sign that Ben hasn't had a love so pure and — _wholesome_ in a long time.

But — this isn't love. It's just two friends that occasionally kiss. Probably more. They haven't got there yet.

"Yeah, you can," Ben smiles because he does. "Didn't see it coming though."

"Too quick for you, eh?" Callum seems to be picking up the conversation a little more, adding his own charm, and Ben appreciates it over the silence.

Ben scoffs at him, shaking his head, "In your dreams easy bake oven, that ain't true. You only know how to drive in a straight line, which is very ironic."

Callum laughs, bright, making Ben laugh in return. At least they can make light of it now instead of always dreading the memory of it.

"Teach me," he says, and it makes Ben tilt his head to the side, almost like a puppy. "So I can do what you do, then maybe I can join a few events."

Ben bites his lip, humming as he tilts his head from side to side, pretending to think even if he already has his answer. But then he remembers something.

"Oh! Wait —" Ben reaches for his phone, going through his recent messages and bringing up the same poster he sent Jay. He turns the phone around, allowing Callum to see it.

It's a poster advertising a week of sport events, but the main event is the cars, held to raise money for charity and support the local town, "It happens every year, the whole family goes since it's more of a festival. We're in May after all, peak season."

"May I?" Callum gestures to his phone, and Ben nods, handing it to him.

"You gonna' put your number in it?" quips Ben, and Callum just shakes his head, a cheeky smile on his lips.

There's a graphic of a car with the roof down driving off into the sunset, the title _RUSH_ angled across it. Callum is more interested in the dates, and it seems to be held over one week in about two weeks time.

"Oh, it's all week?" asks Callum.

"Yup, a whole week of — _hopefully_ — sun, sea and cars. There's always a festival, circus, pretty much everything since it's held on the coast. It's a bit of a drive, down Devon way, but if you're up for it I'll cover all the hotel costs."

Callum can't help the smile on his face, giving Ben back his phone and searching it up on his own, "Well, I do have a lot of holiday to use up, so it'll be easy for me to get the time off work."

Ben pats the table, opening his arms wide, "Then that settles it, you're comin'!"

"I can contact Edith and ask her to take Pip again," Callum says, and smiles towards Ben when he looks a little taken back. "It's alright, I'm guessing the hotel isn't dog friendly?"

Ben looks through his phone again, "she can."

"Really?" Callum leans over, Ben turning his phone to him. And right there, as Ben scrolls down the hotel's website is the sign _dog friendly._ "That's rare."

"I'll have to adjust the booking but that's no problem," Ben pings himself as a reminder. "So? You excited?"

Callum sits back, a little lightheaded but in a good way. He never imagined himself going on holiday, especially not with Ben's entire family.

"I mean, are you sure you want me to go?"

Ben purses his lips, tapping his knuckles on the table as the waitress takes their plates away. They both thank her and deny the dessert menu. Callum's already said he's meeting Whitney and Chantelle a little later and he has to drive back.

"I was hoping you would. Already booked your room, just gotta' shift it to accommodate Pip now." He winks, and Callum dips his head.

So he _was_ planning on it. He really _does_ want Callum to come along with them.

When he lifts his head back up, they share a moment, just smiling and feeling rather at peace. It sounds like a week of fun, a week of laughs and time to make memories.

Callum's phone buzzes, snapping his focus away from Ben, lifting the device from the table to see Whitney has texted.

"Duty calls," he says, already standing up. "Text me a time for Wednesday? I'll make sure I meet you there after my shift. Shouldn't be too late."

Ben nods, already feeling as if something is pulling at his chest now that Callum's leaving. 

"Will do," Ben says, faint. "Thanks for lunch."

He feels as if the more aching distance he keeps between himself and Ben, the more Ben will have to reach until he has no other option but to trip and fall, and Callum being Callum, will catch him and promise the world.

"See you Wednesday, yeah?"

"Yeah," Ben replies, voice a little strained. "Wednesday."

\- - -

_WEDNESDAY_

_"Callum!"_ Lexi cheers, arms wide as she meets Callum at the other end of the pathway. 

Ben locks his car before turning towards them, a smile on his face and a nervous tick in his heart. It seems almost surreal that he's here, even after everything that's happened. 

They're in mid conversation when Ben finally catches up to them, "You made it, then."

Callum glances up to him, giving Lexi one last smile and messing up her hair before standing up. 

"Wouldn't miss it," he replies, and Ben feels his heart tick twice again.

They buy their tickets, Callum grabbing a map despite Ben's chaotic ways of _getting lost is part of the fun._ To add to that, the afternoon sun is quite mellow, the three of them falling into easy conversations and pointing at animals and various decorations around the zoo.

Ben steps back for a moment, going to buy drinks from a kiosk, and on his way back, he pauses. Callum is kneeling down, pointing at one of the small meerkats that takes interest in Lexi.

And right there, seeing how well Callum is with Lexi, comfortable and protective of her, it opens Ben's heart a little wider.

As Ben reaches them again, he quips a joke in Callum's ear, and he laughs as he takes his drink from Ben. Their fingers brush, and for a moment they just stare at their hands, feeling as if it should be some sort of romcom movie. Lexi watches them from the side, a smile on her face, especially with how much Ben smiles when Callum turns away.

The day continues, Lexi ticking off the list on the map, and eventually, they reach a rather crowded enclosure. There's a new arrival, which is why it's so popular, and Lexi struggles to see anything with all of these people in front, around four rows all trying to see.

Callum thinks for a moment, offering his hand out to Lexi, "Do you trust me?"

She nods, and the next thing she knows, Callum is hoisting her up, sitting her on his shoulders with a sigh, holding her feet to make sure she stays safe.

Ben can't quite believe it, lips parted, trying to hide how utterly shocked he is when Callum turns to him.

"What?"

"You don't have to do that," Ben can't help but smile, and he looks up to Lexi already in awe at the new baby zebra galloping around with its mother.

"I'm taller," Callum winks, or tries, because he actually blinks instead.

Lexi laughs, shrugging as she looks down to her Dad. 

"Tiny Dad!"

"Alright _alright!_ That's enough you two," but he's still with a grin.

And as they stay there for a bit, Callum definitely not reading the information board beside him to sound smart. Lexi is beyond happy when Callum places her back down.

In fact, she's taking one hand from both of them, pulling them to the next exhibit.

This time, Ben sticks with Lexi as Callum walks off to take interest in some of the more exotic fish. And with how the tunnels work, he's looking at Ben through one side of the tank.

It's a horrid reminder, in some ways.

Even as they look at each other through the glass of the aquarium, this is what they are.

Close but distant, near but untouchable, unbreakable.

Even if the glass breaks for Callum and he manages to get through to Ben, all he'll be met with is resistance, rushing water, pushing him further away into riptides that'll come as a consequence.

Callum gives him a solemn smile, moving on. Ben watches him go, tugged away from where he feels frozen as Lexi spots some sharks.

They meet back up halfway through the tunnels, and Ben looks to Callum with a question in his eyes. There's a small smile on his lips, and Callum just takes his hand, squeezing it before letting go and talking to Lexi as if that didn't just happen.

Their next stop is the bird palace, and Lexi manages to hold a bird and feed it, Ben a little afraid as he stands behind Callum.

"Are you scared of a bird?"

 _"No,"_ Ben says back, nudging Callum with his elbow as Callum tries to take a picture of Lexi on her phone, turning out blurry.

"Then why are you using me as a humam shield?"

"It could shit on me," Ben mumbles, putting on his best fake smile when Lexi says _look Dad!_

"What a terrible shame," Callum is trying so hard not to laugh, but he finally does get the picture. "Isn't it meant to be good luck?"

"Please stop," Ben groans, hoping that they can leave the giant bird cage sometime soon.

As the day draws to a close, Callum visits the gift shop with Lexi after she asks if they can look. Ben goes with them, smiling as Callum holds her hand, helping her pick something out.

She picks out a small little zebra plushie, saying that the baby zebra was her favourite from today, and that maybe in the future when they visit again, she'll have a new favourite.

Before Ben can even reach for his wallet, the plushie is already in a bag and being gifted over the counter to Lexi.

"Callum — you didn't have to."

He just smiles, squeezing Ben's hand on the way out of the shop, and Ben just wants to kiss him.

"I wanted to," he whispers, lingering near him as Lexi pulls out the zebra, hugging it close.

"Lexi? What do we say?" says Ben.

She smiles, walking up to Callum all shy, Callum leaning down to hug her, "Thank you, Callum!"

And then she's moving one of her arms, tugging Ben, pulling them into a group hug. Ben sighs at how warm Callum is, at how the arm that wraps around him feels like safety.

Callum squeezes Ben a little closer before they break apart, nose in his hair and wishing this was more, wishing this was part of their normal.

\- - -

On the way home, Lexi travels in Callum's car, meaning he has to stop off at Ben's house. He doesn't mind, not when Lexi already has a name for the zebra plushie she picked out.

Even as she steps out, she's on about some story she's made up, how _Toffee_ the zebra helps save other zebras and wants peace between predator and prey. Callum smiles all the way to the door, and it's then that they all settle down. 

Callum whips up a quick meal, Lexi a big fan as always, Ben pointing at it and trying to make up excuses as to why it isn't perfect. He just rolls his eyes, Ben sending a wink his way, and they settle into a movie about training dragons.

At some point through the movie, Lexi hops from Ben's side to Callum's, settling into his side. Ben watches, smiling, genuine and not bothered that Callum looks over and sees it. 

Callum just leans his head on hers, and eventually, the warm hug from Callum sends Lexi to sleep after a long day. Ben gives it until the credits roll, and then he's standing up, walking over to the pair.

"Let me get princess to bed, and then I'll be back down, alright?" Ben asks, picking up Lexi from where she sleeps against Callum's chest.

"Sure," Callum smiles as Ben winks at him, and with that, Callum judges it as a small thanks but without words.

Lexi is fast asleep, or Ben thinks she is. As they make their way upstairs, leaving Callum downstairs, Lexi opens her eyes and hugs her Dad tighter.

Ben kisses her cheek as he opens her room with the side of his body, walking into what anyone would describe as a palace. Her dolls are near the designated toy box, a pink duvet stretched along her bed and fairy lights all around her room. It's quite subtle, but Lexi loves it just the way it is.

As Ben pulls the duvet back, he leans down so she can sit herself on the bed.

"Have you done your teeth?" Asks Ben, sitting on his knees on the floor in front of her.

Lexi looks awfully tired, clinging to the zebra plushie Callum bought her, head leaning on it. A mumbled _no_ leaves her mouth, and Ben sighs — but it's not without a smile, though.

"How about you go and do that while I find us a book to read?" 

She looks up at that, and they both smile, Lexi nodding and leaving the plushie near her pillow. Ben smiles at it as Lexi heads out towards the bathroom.

Today showed more than anything how much Callum being in Ben's life is special. He has this way with people, with Lexi, an easy atmosphere that keeps them smiling until their cheeks hurt from it.

Callum didn't have to buy her something, he didn't have to put her on his shoulders so she could see over the crowds of other kids — he did it because he wanted to, because he's a good person.

And Ben feels as if he's using him, letting him go and coming back like ping pong. Well, Callum sort of agreed to it, or his lips did, and now they're stuck playing secret lovers that aren't morally exclusive. Ben could go out tomorrow and pick up a guy, and Callum can't say anything about it.

Callum would, though, wouldn't he? He'll ask why Ben is messing him around, hooking up with other guys when they've agreed on what they have.

It's just fun. But it's never going to _be_ fun with Callum, because it means so, so much more to him than he realises.

Lexi walks back into her room, feet dragging from how tired she is. As she hops into bed, Ben tucks her in, sitting beside her bed a minute later with his arms folded across the top. He leans his head, cheek against his hands, and smiles as Lexi looks at him.

"I think we're too tired for the adventure of cotton socks tonight, aren't we?" Ben speaks low, seeing a glowing star move over her face as the galaxy projector above them slowly spins.

She grumbles, hugging the plushie closer to her face, looking between the ears towards her father.

"Did you enjoy today?" Usually, he'd leave her to sleep considering how tired she is, but as her Dad, he knows that his own voice helps soothe her into a more comfortable sleep, one where nightmares can't gallop freely.

"Yeah," she says, a smile present in her voice, hidden behind the zebra. "Callum is so cool."

Ben laughs a little, a twitch of uneasiness in his stomach.

"He's a nice guy, isn't he?"

"A good friend!" Lexi replies, pushing the zebra forward to prove her point. 

Ben lifts his head, taking the plushie and twitching the ears with both hands, looking down at it with one of life's many mottos going through his head.

 _A zebra can't change its stripes —_ and Ben feels as if this is all one big silent message from Callum. But he didn't pick it, Lexi did, and there's no way she would know anything about him and Callum.

"Do you like him?" She asks, sitting up, eyes a little more awake.

"What do you mean, sweetheart?" He knows, but Ben doesn't want to face the question.

"Like Mommy likes Jay," she points to her heart, having to look down and check she has it in the right spot. She's passing her science classes with flying colours, obviously.

Love — that's what she's asking.

And Ben feels out of place. Does he? Doesn't he?

"We're just friends, Lexi," he pulls up her duvet, picking at Toffee's ears and smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"He makes you smile a lot," she replies, eye closing. "You look happy all the time. It makes me happy too."

Ben's heart warms, and he almost feels tearful. He brushes a thumb against her nose, kissing her head before standing up.

"Night, Lexi. Sweet dreams."

Lexi mumbles back, but she's already gone, and Ben lingers at the door, a smile on his face as the stars turn around her room.

He clicks the door shut quietly, sighing. It's been a good day, more than good, and being back in Lexi's good books, not that he wasn't already feels great. If Lexi is smiling, so is he.

But he's thinking about what she said, how much other people are starting to see the difference in Ben when Callum's around. It's not just other people, either. Ben feels different, feels the pull between them, aches to be near and have more than he feels he's allowed to have. 

Right now, he's already thinking about what he's going to say when he reaches the bottom of the stairs. And even then, Callum isn't where he was, the distant light of the garage flicking on through the large glass doors of the kitchen.

Ben walks out into the night, wondering why he's even out here. But it's the garage with their project car, and Callum's slumped on the sofa inside with his head back, lost in thought.

"I'd say penny for your thoughts, but I'm not that generous."

Callum blinks, turning to see Ben leaning against the garage door.

"Not even a penny?" huffs Callum, turning his focus back to the car. "You really are cheap."

Ben doesn't like how much his chest constricts when Callum isn't focused on him, as if it's a little hard to breathe.

"I'm a businessman, a smart one — I don't invest in what I don't plan to keep." Ben's attempt at a comeback turns into weighted poison. 

Callum's eyes drop, and Ben almost scrambles to say an apology, because technically, Ben is doing the exact same in terms of _them._

He doesn't plan to keep him close forever, at least until the inevitable catches up with him. And it _is inevitable_ , especially when most of today he was yearning just to hold his hand, and that's not something he usually does.

Callum remains quiet, knocked from what Ben said, breathing deep as he tries to imagine the wreck in front of him complete. Red paint, two licks of white stripes down the middle, maybe even a custom livery.

There's not much chance to do so, because Ben is walking inside, perching himself near the front of the car, its front axis raised.

"I wanted to say how nice today was before you headed home," and it's not a thanks, but it's the closest he's going to get from Ben. "You didn't have to do what you did."

It's then that Callum looks to him, smiles a little, shrugs, "It's what friends do."

 _Friends._ For some reason the word doesn't sit well with Ben, and yet he's the one that's trying to keep it intact.

"Sure," Ben replies. "Yeah."

Ben doesn't smile when they make eye contact, but Callum does, slowly fading as Ben approaches and doesn't stop.

It's almost second nature for Callum to part his legs so Ben can fit between them, closing his eyes as Ben leans down to kiss him, feeling his fingers grip his shirt as he gets comfortable.

Ben ignores the ringing in his head, the obvious answers to his own questions as he made his way down those stairs. 

Callum sighs as Ben steers his kisses down towards his jaw, his own hands coming up to hold his head like times before, bringing him back to his lips.

Maybe this is Ben's way of saying thank you, or being so close to him the whole day and lying about what they are, the distance between them so far but so little at the same time yet not being able to do anything.

Well, Ben has him now, could almost _cry_ at how Callum holds his head so fragile, warm and strong. He could get used to this, have it all of his life, every morning and night and he'd never get bored of it.

But Ben can't think like this — about the future when it's so far out of reach. This should be fun, about kissing, about feeling good, and Ben's sat here on his lap thinking about what colour to paint their apartment walls for some odd, dream future reason that Callum decides to move in with him.

So he digs deep down, drags the hope with it and shoves it behind closed doors. It allows everything else to surface, to breathe the same air he does and hope he doesn't walk away.

Ben wants him, though, _badly._

Dread grips tight, and Callum pulls back, cheeks flushed and a little breathless. He's not sure what he's doing, looking at Ben, waiting for answers, heart heavy in his chest.

It's almost like a dare, who caves first, who treads that thin line between lies and love, pleasure and pain — and Ben has always stared fear in the face and battled it head on. 

With this, though, Callum looking back at him, eyes full of wonder, Ben realises he's facing the biggest fear he's ever known;

He could fall in love with Callum.

And then it becomes a rush, lips back on his, Ben pulling at the rim of Callum's hoodie to pull it up, Callum stretching his arms out so that Ben can remove it. He whips it behind them, catching on the back end of the car, but Ben is way too focused on kissing him to care.

Callum doesn't know what he's doing, but being with Ben, like this, it feels as if it's natural, hands in his hair as Ben places his hands against the new, warm skin of his chest.

 _God — no_ dreamscape could've prepared Ben for how those hands would feel in reality, how they're a little rough from history. And he's somewhere between gentle and confident, pausing before he places them in Ben's hair, then firm when he realises it's as if they belong there.

Even now, this is just the start of whatever they are, and if Ben tucks away the thought of what it'd be like for those hands to hold him close on cold mornings — that's for himself to worry about and no one else.

Callum, too, is lost in how good this feels, the pins and needles that surf his skin like a wave from Ben's hands, lifting his stomach with butterflies. If this is how it feels now, blind to each other and what this is in heavy silence, what will it be like when they're _something more?_

Ben breaks away, looking down to where his hands now sit on Callum's waistband. They shake with nerves, and this isn't Ben, isn't what usually happens. And he's about to curse himself for it when Callum is tipping his head towards him again, kissing him. It's a kiss that's way too soft, way too intimate to be anything else but the hope for more.

But Ben isn't for it, leaning his head back so Callum has to chase him, but the hand Ben plants over his heart stops him, "Can I?"

If he ignores the thump of his own heart, ignores Callum's too under his palm, this doesn't have to _be_ anything else. It's just two guys, equally longing something more and finding it in some stranger.

Ben's stupid. Those eyes aren't a stranger anymore, and the more he looks, the more his resolve crumbles under Callum's hands like sand.

Callum can't speak, feeling as if he did, nothing but a plea would come out. He wants to prove Ben wrong, that they're capable of something more — that they _are_ something more.

And if Ben uses this, what they're doing as a way to prove to himself that he's right, that he can just ignore how much he yearns for Callum, then he's going to make sure he doesn't.

Callum nods weakly, and Ben breathes deep.

It's all downhill from there, how much ignorance can't help Ben anymore when Callum kisses him, hand to the back of his head. Granted, he's nervous, not as eager and to the point as others would be, but it's Callum.

The Callum that holds him, kisses him like he means something, whispering his name so sweet onto his shoulder.

The fact it's Callum, the guy that's been on Ben's mind for weeks, holding him here so warm and sweet as he whispers Callum's name on his shoulder when he breaks — that's what nails home how gone he is.

Ben can't think of anything else _but_ him, the fire in his veins mellowing out, kisses falling along his jaw.

Callum lets his head thump back against the wall, his bones cotton candy, but it fades quickly, Ben already moving on.

Ben's hands linger, one on his thigh and one on his stomach, as if he doesn't want to let go of the moment yet, and Callum tries to ignore how much he misses the weight of him when Ben steps away. He keeps him grounded, stops Callum from getting lost in false dreams when the unruly truth of it all is right there.

He hates it yet craves it — if he's only allowed seconds with Ben, then he'll count each one, make it a minute, then more and _more_ until he can't think of anything else but a lifetime.

That's how Callum is, loyal, dedicated to loving even if he doesn't get any of that love back.

Weight falls heavy on both of their shoulders, gripping like talons until one of them breaks. It's Ben that does, a smirk on his face that doesn't quite fit, a little breathless. They haven't gone all the way, but it hits their hearts just the same.

"Not bad for a rookie," he squeezes his hands a little before stepping back, and it starts to burn his chest when Callum doesn't follow him. 

He keeps on saying it, Callum does, but now it's even more true. He's just another, and he wasn't five minutes ago — but now he is. 

Callum has lost everything that felt good about it, holding Ben the way he did, having him so close it felt like something more. It's all for nothing in the end, because Ben steps back and smiles as if this is normal.

Ben leans against the car, looking across to Callum, and his lungs drop when Callum huffs, head down to stare at his feet.

Standing up in silence, Callum grabs his hoodie from the back, a step away from Ben, reversing the fabric and placing it on.

And he still says nothing as he stares Ben down, pulling the fabric down his torso. He's giving Ben a chance to say something, anything, to admit this is different. 

Ben bites his tongue, tipping his head back and flicking his focus to the ceiling.

"Good for you?"

That makes Ben turn to him again, a little confused. It takes Callum another second, but he's shrugging his shoulders, eyes reflecting nothing but what he feels; plain rejection.

"Was it good for you?"

Ben makes a face like it's an obvious answer, and Callum nods, purses his lips. Well, good for him, then.

Callum starts to make his leave, but Ben seems to have other ideas, taking a step after him, pulled by a force that's not his own ruthless consciousness. 

"Where you going?"

"Home," replies Callum, to the point, and Ben chases him no further.

Ben watches his car leave, the dust kicking up from his tyres on the way out. And when he's out of sight, Ben sinks back against the car, sighing, hands to his neck and remembering.

It was good, more than good — as good as a second chance would be. But Ben knows already that there's no first, second, third or even _last_ for Callum. Ben would easily keep counting, as long as the seconds tick on for — because every single one feels less like of a painkiller. 

Even if it was just a quick fumble, it already means a lot more than any other has.

He stares at the couch one last time, a little uneasy on his feet as he starts to walk back to the house. Ben checks on Lexi, still sound asleep with Toffee still in her arms.

Ben can't help but think back to what she said as he settles into bed, an odd sense of longing making his head pound.

_Do you like him?_

Of course he does, it's obvious. But is it obvious enough to admit to himself and take action on it? Absolutely not.

It'll take the worst heartbreak and the emptiness of losing it to make him realise what he's lost in the end.

\- - -

_FRIDAY_

"Callum," a voice says, but he doesn't hear it.

And he still doesn't until Whitney flicks his ear, prompting the man to snap out of his daze.

"Ay! What was that for—"

"You're daydreaming, Callum! Finish that shirt," she points to his chest, half buttoned up.

He agreed to help with some testing, Whitney expanding her line into more shapes, sizes and fits. Callum's wearing one of her new black shirts, collared with buttons, smartly tailored with a pocket made out of a small flower print.

As he finishes the last one, he adjusts the sleeves, feeling awfully good in this despite his initial nerves.

"Hey," Whitney smiles, walking over to see if the fabric tapers at the waist just right. "You look amazin'!"

Callum smiles, "Yeah?"

"Yeah! How does it feel?" 

He spins, moving his shoulders a little, "not too tight. It — fits really well."

"Chantelle helped me make that one." 

"Oh? You seem to be talking a lot more," Callum says, reaching for his phone, not missing how Whitney smiles and looks away, trying to look busy.

"She's lovely," Whitney says, trying to find another shirt for Callum to try. 

"She makes you happy," admits Callum, scrolling through his phone as he waits for Chantelle to come back with the camera, leaving the spare battery at her house.

Whitney puts her hands together, shrugs, smiles and can't help but admit it.

"Yeah, she does," and when they meet eyes, Callum smiles softly. 

"I'm happy for you," it's something so simple, but needed, and Whitney walks over to hug him.

Callum kisses her hair, letting them sway, and part of him has missed this, the comfort he gets from Whitney and having someone so positive around.

His phone buzzes in his hand, and they both pull back, Callum with his arm around her shoulders as he reads the text.

"Admirer?"

"Just Ben," replies Callum.

"So the same," she laughs, and Callum clicks his tongue.

But as he reads what he's actually put, she may not be too far from the truth, and the slight frown gives him away.

"What?"

"He's inviting me out," Callum takes his arm back, goes to text something but it doesn't feel right.

"That's good, right?" Whitney honestly looks confused. Callum's been going on about his day out with Lexi all day, and now he seemingly looks frightened at the prospect of going out with him to a club.

"Yeah… I think."

"Callum — what's really going on?" 

He's about to say, open up and have confidence that Whitney will give him comfort, but Chantelle opens the door and smiles bright.

"Hey! You look so handsome in that!" Chantelle approaches them, giving a wide smile to Whitney, kissing her on the cheek.

Alright, maybe they're more than just happy. 

Callum smiles again, thankful, "All yours and Whitney's doing."

Whitney shakes her head, "But you _sell_ it — and hey! You should use it for when you go out." 

"Callum's going out?" Chantelle tucks a small piece of her hair behind her ear, switching the camera back on with an electronic click.

"Maybe," Callum says, a little uneasy.

"Well, you should," Chantelle clicks the camera once, making sure it works. "And you in that shirt? Surely you'd meet someone nice."

Callum swallows the nerves, ignoring his phone while they work through the clothes, pictures taken from the neck down as these clothes are meant for anyone who wants to wear them.

When he leaves, Whitney packs the shirt for him, kissing his cheek and promising she'll make it up to him. The shirt is thanks enough, Callum says.

\- - -

_SATURDAY_

Rolling up at the address, Callum is partly surprised that it's not Ben's own club. In a way, he's thankful, because he doesn't have to face the same place in which he broke down, almost punching Ben.

He sits there for a moment, having the thought to head back home and tell Ben he's not up to it. Call in sick, or something.

There's a knock on his window that makes Callum jump, turning to see Ben's trademark smirk, voice muffled as he speaks through the glass, "Long time no see."

"Unfortunate," replies Callum as he steps out, making Ben's smirk soften.

"You alright?" Ben asks, giving Callum room, having just arrived as well, his car parked a few spaces in front.

Callum wants to shake his head, to say no, to say that all he can think about is what happened on Wednesday, how much he regrets it.

It almost makes him laugh that Ben's _gentleman handshake_ statement pops into his head, probably because he's right there.

"Good, good." Callum lies. It's just easier that way.

"You look good, too," Ben glances down, admiring how the shirt tapers at his waist. "New shirt?"

"Yeah," smiles Callum, "friend gave it to me."

And Ben's smile drops completely, "Ah." 

Then he's walking on without pause, leading Callum towards the doors, music already pulsing through the pavement, heavy and sick with words that are way too explicit for anything Callum would usually listen to.

Generally, the club is a lot more rowdy, more expressive than the controlled atmosphere of Ben's, and he knows from that alone that this place is a club strictly to forget. It's not to make memories.

So why did Ben bring him here?

 _"You get drinks, I'll find us a table,"_ shouts Ben over the music, leaning up towards Callum's ear so he can hear him more clearly. Callum feels a buzz ring through him.

But before Ben has chance to leave his side, Callum takes his wrist, soothing it down to his hand. For Ben, it burns, tugging it away from his grasp, but he stays near, wanting to hear him out.

_"What are we doing here, Ben?"_

Ben pauses, adjusting the leather jacket he's wearing as he shrugs, a smirk on his face as if it never left. They can't even get drunk since they're both driving home, so what's the difference to this and spending a night in?

 _"Having fun, you bore,"_ Ben opens his arms wide. _"Let loose a little, ay? Don't let Wednesday clog up your brain, it's nothing."_

It confirms something Callum never really thought about. Ben's been thinking about it too, about what happened between them on Wednesday, and it makes Callum a little nervous about how cool he is with it.

But this is how it works, right? No strings.

So then why does Callum feel awfully cold when Ben steps away? Ben's hands are in his pockets, sighing, as if what he said didn't mean anything at all.

Callum sniffs, triying to ignore it and making his way to the bar.

\- - -

Ben almost forgets that he's waiting on Callum if his mind wasn't focused on him already. He keeps thinking about that night, becoming lost in it, somehow hoping it happens again when Callum already said this type of thing means more to him than it does to Ben. It was a quick fumble, just to let off steam, but it's weighing too much on his mind.

Frankly, he hates it. Callum's under his skin now whether he likes it or not, and the pounding music isn't helping, constant and loud.

Maybe he should've invited him back to his house, had a few beers, talked about things. Maybe he could've opened up his heart, let him in, kissed him goodbye and promised another day to meet.

And then it could've been different even then, Callum staying, reaching the very edge of their deal — or whatever this is.

But Callum's been gone long. 

Ben looks up, searching towards the bar, spotting him and that smile. For a moment, Ben smiles too, feeling lucky he has someone as imperfectly perfect as Callum.

Then it feels awfully bittersweet, because Callum is smiling at another guy. He's good looking, almost Callum's height, put together in a way Ben never can be. It ignites something in Ben, something ill and venomous.

_Jealousy._

Callum isn't his, so he shouldn't be jealous, but he's sitting there with hooded eyes ready to stand up and speak his mind. He taps his fingers on the table, trying to give an outlet for how angry he feels, but it's not helping when Callum is smiling, laughing at whatever the guy is saying.

Ben stares a little longer, hoping his gaze has some sort of heat and the stranger will notice that he's there. It doesn't happen, as the stranger starts calling for the barman, Callum nodding, and cold water washes over Ben.

He's losing him.

Ben's on his feet before he can stop himself, smirk carving his lips as he appears beside Callum.

"What's goin' on here?" Ben asks, leaning near Callum and putting his hand on his back. It feels wrong to do this, keeping Callum from a potential happy path, but Ben's mind is way too jumbled to let him go yet.

"Oh," the stranger starts, smiling at Ben. His accent already annoys him, way too strong and knitted together nicely. "You know each other?"

Ben grits his teeth, "Yeah," he says, smiling. Callum frowns, turning towards the bar. "Very well, actually."

 _"Ben,"_ Callum warns, tone sharp.

He doesn't listen, and frankly Ben hasn't listened to warnings for most of his life, and he's not going to start now when he's in fear of losing what he's barely held close.

"I see," the stranger says, giving Callum a short but sweet smile, "Maybe next time." 

Ben stays silent. He wants to say _there won't be,_ but Callum has the power to walk away more than he does, but he won't admit that.

"Are you done?" Callum looks his way, clearly irritated. 

Ben feels like a deer caught in headlights, at the consequence of his own actions, and the bass of the music isn't helping to keep his head clear.

"Callum—" starts Ben, feeling a little tongue tied. Wasn't this his plan all along? For Callum to find a guy and forget him? But he's too stubborn, too selfish to let a good guy like Callum go. "Should we — go for a drive?"

His tone has completely shifted, and Callum notices, face softening. Ben wouldn't do this without reason.

"Alright," Callum agrees with this, at least. He doesn't want to be here either, and the music isn't going to help them talk, booze neither.

Ben follows Callum out of the club, pride a little beaten, and now feeling ever more distant than he was with Callum before they arrived.

Even as he turns on his car, Callum waits for him to head off. Ben can't help but notice how cold the steering wheel is, and needs a few seconds before he sets off.

He doesn't know what to do, so he just drives.

\- - -

Callum's car follows him home, never daring to go in front. Ben doesn't even try to look for him in his rear view mirror, simply knowing he's still there from the flicker of bright blue he can see in the side mirror.

He said a drive, but honestly, he doesn't know where he's going. He'll either want to go right or left, or go down an interesting road and see where the night takes him. Callum doesn't do anything but follow, and eventually, every road leads back to Ben's house.

As they pull up, Ben has the thought to say goodnight, end it there, but Callum is already stepping out of his car before Ben is. He's stood there, waiting as Ben shuts the door. He's parked a little in front, so he has to look back towards Callum, and for once, Ben can't read what his expression holds.

"You not going?" asks Ben, a hint of hope in his voice.

Callum exhales, watching his breath visualise as it rises towards the stars they stand under. He shouldn't, but he wants to.

"Not sure," he says, shrugging. Callum lets his head hang, hands in his bomber jacket, thoughts on his mind.

"Well, while you make up your mind, at least wait in the warm," Ben gestures his head back towards the house, and as he starts to walk backwards, Callum lifts his head back up to follow him with his eyes.

When Ben is unlocking the door, Callum starts walking, slow steps, unsteady and heavy as if he's walking in mud.

There are few lights on in his house, automatic, soft and warm like candlelight, and as Ben pushes it open, Callum doesn't think twice about following after him.

As the clock strikes 3AM, Callum hovers around the kitchen island, fingers gliding across the cold of the marble, "You changed your mind quick."

Ben isn't looking at him, shrugging his coat from his shoulders, hanging it over one of the chairs.

"What?"

"Going out," Callum speaks towards the island, but the air is so quiet Ben can easily hear him, just a few steps away. "Didn't even order the first drink before you suggested we leave."

Callum reads off a list, sounding every fault Ben's made tonight, every obvious reason of what he'll deny anyway.

"What can I say?" Ben laughs, but it ends without any real impact, Callum still looking distant. "I'm a bit too biased, seeing as I have my own club."

"Then why suggest somewhere else in the first place?"

"I — didn't want to take you back there after what happened," and that's when Callum finally looks at him, eyes a little hooded. If from exhaustion or borderline pain, Ben doesn't know. 

"After you pushed me to breaking point?" It's a horrid reminder, but one Ben needs. Probably even more than the next one, "Or was it the guy?"

Ben blinks, swallowing as Callum takes a step closer, pushing his shoulders forward.

"You said to go out, talk to people, meet someone," Callum honestly feels a little disappointed that Ben's face doesn't change. It's still stern, walls up. "But the first guy that comes up to me, actually talks to me and I have the confidence to talk back, five minutes later you say you're not feeling it."

"I wasn't," replies Ben, sitting on the arm of the chair.

"Oh — so you had to take me with you? Couldn't leave me alone with him?" Callum hasn't raised his voice, but Ben feels as if he's being scolded by his own lies, thinking he'd hidden them well but Callum can see right through him.

He's good with people, with anyone. Callum must be able to read him like a book, but in reality, it's difficult. There's no way Callum can truly grip what Ben feels unless he's the cause of it.

But in moments like this, distance between them, it's as if they've never met.

"What if he was dangerous? Besides, we went out together, and might as well do the same on the way out."

Callum shakes his head, "Is that why you glared at him? Made him out to be some sort of enemy?"

Ben bites his tongue, tipping his head back a little.

"Believe what you want, Callum," and he can see Callum turn around and push one of his hands through his hair. Frustration, or confusion. "Not gonna' change anything, is it?"

Callum whips around almost immediately.

"I'm not _yours,_ Ben."

Those words sting, sharp against Ben's ears. It's quite ridiculing how many words he's said to Callum that have come back with a vengeance. 

_We're not exclusive —_ and yet Ben felt his blood boil at the sight of Callum smiling bright at another man. Perhaps he just wants to keep Callum, keep the good in his life close, be as selfish as he can. If Callum meets someone else, they won't be able to pretend anymore, and their time that's growing into minutes will become mere seconds.

But for Callum to say it, to confirm it like set concrete weighing him down, it's a statement Ben can't throw jokes at and it'll all be okay.

It's true. And it hurts.

"We're something," Ben repeats back, and Callum's shoulders drop a little. Their eyes aren't meeting, but Ben burns under his gaze. "That's what you said, right?"

Callum takes a few steps towards him, as if Ben's words allow him that bit closer.

"Yeah," he says, and Ben almost crumbles at how soft his voice is. "But we're not to you, are we?"

"No," admitting it burns, but at the same time, he's lying to himself. It's true because it feels as if it's what he deserves, and then a lie because he won't let himself hope for it in a better light.

"Then why say it?" Callum feels his heart strings tug back and forth, one tune begging him to leave, the other wishing for him to stay.

"Because we can be," Ben holds his broken heart in his hands, hoping Callum can carry the weight of it, hold the pieces together. "Just for a little while."

As he looks towards Callum, Ben hopes that didn't sound like a permanent promise, or a _maybe_ in their future. Ben can't read him, can't see the reason why he takes those last few steps forward.

His hands come up, holding Ben's face firm, and he kisses him as if it's their last. Ben has a moment where he feels the itch to push Callum back, to tell him a broken heart shattered so thinly isn't worth even a small second, but Callum is pushing him back to the wall after Ben rises to his feet, thumping Ben into it.

Callum's kisses are like gold, rare and looked on as a treasure, and Ben kisses back with just as much want, skin alight with fresh nerves.

And when Callum pulls back, Ben thumps his head back to the wall, opening his eyes halfway to the sight of Callum looking at him. His focus flicks from one eye to the other, trying to read Ben, but there's nothing there and Ben knows it.

This is meant to be something, but it's nothing. It's a dance Ben knows well, probably too well, witnessed by the night and no one else.

But for Ben, _even Ben_ and his stubborn, one way heart can't deny how different it feels, how new and frightening it is to stare a possible future in the face and not outright deny it. 

Callum brushes his thumb over Ben's cheek, moving in so their noses brush, and Ben sees the glimmer of nerves in how he looks down to his lips.

Ben leans his chin up, brushing their lips together but not kissing him, lingering and allowing Callum to take the leap. Tonight won't become a marker of time unless Callum wants it.

Even the small promise of something, just for a little while has Callum hoping for it. He's been scared of it for half of his life, still is in some ways, but now Ben is there, giving him the choice.

He should walk away, find another guy, or anyone else instead of Ben, find what he deserves instead of chasing after someone that doesn't want to be loved.

His jacket falls from his shoulders, resting against the ground with a click from the zip, and Ben's eyes open a little wider, as if he realises that Callum has chosen to stay. It's like before, their first kiss, but this time there's no running.

Callum should leave, run away like Ben did, avoid the heartbreak and attachment that partners with this, but he just tilts his head to meet him, kissing Ben slow, fingertips at the back of his head.

And Ben wants to be held like this probably forever, hands at Callum's chest, fingers digging into the fabric of that black shirt, pushing him forward and away from the wall. Callum stumbles, and for a moment, Ben can feel him smile against his lips, laughter, and Ben feels himself smile back. It's only for a second, but it's enough to say more than words, that Ben really means it when he says they could be something, for a while, where Callum can hold his heart and feel the weight of it.

Ben takes his hand, squeezes and locks their fingers together as Ben leads him upstairs. Callum watches him as they walk up, thinking about how many times Ben has done this same walk with someone else. 

Now he's walking the same path, together, and he'll walk back along it like everyone else before him — _alone._

Ben kicks his door open, turning back around to pull at Callum's hand until their bodies thump together, Ben's lips back on his.

But Callum stops him, breathing deep as he keeps Ben near, not far. Ben knows what he's doing, proving him wrong, that they can't skip through this and pretend everything is normal, that this is just another night for Ben.

His thumbs brush just under Ben's eyes, waiting until they open, but Ben keeps them closed to protect himself from those eyes he feels he could drown in. If Callum holds him tender, makes him warm and as if he's in Callum's world, then his eyes will be like staring at what _his own_ world could be if he lets Callum in.

 _"Look at me, Ben,"_ Callum whispers, moving one hand to his neck, watching how Ben squeezes his eyes shut even more. "Ben."

Maybe he doesn't have to see this any other way. They can have something this special and still pretend they're friends. A lot of people do this, right? They don't have to mention it again, or put it under a spotlight until one of them breaks and says _this isn't normal, there's no pretending to love._

Ben opens his eyes, settling his vision on Callum's, and it's like a catalogue of emotions tingling through him, unknown, some feared and others he thought he'd never feel again. 

"There's no going back after this," Ben says, broken, throat dry. "I'll only — mess you up. I'll break your heart."

"I know," Callum replies, unexpected, but his expression doesn't change when he says it. He knows this is coming, willingly walks into it, braces himself for it.

Callum is more than aware Ben breaks the very ground he walks on, but just for tonight, he won't have to — because he'll break not only Callum, but also himself. Worst part is, he won't even know until Callum is long out the door.

Callum has so much love to give, and Ben's never really felt it, never had it stay home long enough to see the other side.

So he falls, bringing Callum in to kiss him knowing of the pain that'll follow them afterwards, but being prepared for it doesn't make it any easier.

Callum's hands pull at the rim of Ben's shirt, lifting it up and over, letting it drop to the ground near their feet. It's overwhelming for Ben, Callum's hands at his waist, thumbs moving in small circles of comfort.

The more he stands here, sighing as Callum kisses softly at his jaw, down to the juncture between his head and shoulder, the more Ben becomes scared of never wanting to let go.

Ben pushes him back gently, Callum kissing at his cheek until he can feel the bed at the backs of his knees. Callum sits down, pulling Ben on top, lips back together as if they don't know another way to breathe.

Callum's hands search up his back as Ben fiddles with the buttons on his shirt, popping a few open until Ben can see the skin of his chest, hands soothing over the surface, pushing the fabric outwards until it tenses, still held together by the rest of the buttons.

He feels bumps under his skin, raised pieces of history, and Ben stops kissing him to look down, Callum's stubble brushing against his cheek as he kisses at his shoulder.

Scars, some small, some larger than any Ben has. He didn't notice them last time, lost in the moment, but now he's willingly giving his heart away to break, time moves a lot slower, and he feels a lot more, opens himself to it.

Callum knows he can see them, pausing with his lips against Ben's skin, eyes closed and sighing. He'll probably ask him, one day, and those memories will come back and wake the demons he tries to keep buried.

Right now, he just wants Ben, so he brings his head back to lift Ben's back up with two fingers under his chin, connecting their lips back together. Ben's hands press a little firmer, and Callum sighs through his nose as he sinks back, Ben following.

And it's like that for a while. It's meant to be quick, fulfilling, but it's nothing more than yearning and the sheer want to be close to someone who's capable of love but scared of it at the same time.

Ben walks him through, says with his eyes that it'll be alright, and Callum just kisses him, sinks them into another minute until his lips are bruised and Ben moves elsewhere.

Callum has to close his eyes, lungs full with words he wants to say but can't speak, lost when Ben kisses him. Ben does everything, works more than he usually has to, but it doesn't feel that way when Callum's hands settle on his hips.

 _God — his hands,_ sinking into his skin, grounding Ben, moving into his hold because if he gave himself the choice, he'd never leave.

Even as Ben looks down to him after what feels like an hour of fumbling, kissing and knocking things off his bedside table, it feels like something more — something golden.

His fingertips dig into Callum's chest, leaving crescent marks, and Ben refuses to kiss him during that moment in time. Callum opens his eyes to him, sits up, and Ben almost falls back trying to avoid him. His body feels raw, open, and Callum could easily pick him up and whisper that everything will be fine.

But it won't. Even as Callum wraps his arms around him, settles a kiss to his cheek and another to his neck, flipping them over with the strength and closeness Ben is starved for — Ben knows this is it.

Ben wraps his arm around his neck, hides his face into his skin and almost _cries_ at how Callum hugs him, holds him, kisses him as if they're more than just mates. He's more than Ben's ever known, so overwhelming he feels weightless with it, euphoric.

It feels like he's saving Ben, held together, warm and an easy promise of a few minutes where he doesn't have to do anything but feel and pull Callum closer. It's like coming home for the first time, opening the door and realising there's nothing like it. Nothing can replace it.

And for a single, momentary eclipse, Ben feels the shattered fragments of his heart fit back together.

\- - -

There's silence, for a long time. Birds tweet outside, but all Ben can hear is Callum's heart. He's listened to it slow, heard the sheets shuffle as Callum moves his arms, squeezing Ben a little tighter in their hold.

Sweat clings to their skin, but it's the least of any of their worries.

Ben doesn't want to let go, but he knows they have to part. He could easily ask him here, to permanently be _more,_ but he can't do that to Callum. Ben can't love, at least not for long, and it hurts to be aware of the fact that Callum could be another he loses.

He's too scared to lose love, so he never loves. That's the rule.

Moments like this he can keep, look back on and dream even though he'll regret not saying more, but it's better than ruining both of them completely when feelings get involved.

Callum keeps hold until he knows he isn't welcome anymore, bathing in the warmth of warm sheets and another man for the first time. It's different to what he thought it'd be, but there's no real guessing or planning when it comes to Ben. He's unsteady, disruptive, taking what he needs only to turn his back two seconds later.

But Callum thinks Ben gave him a small part of himself just now, probably without realising it.

He feels Ben's hands loosen their grip on his skin, arms falling to his side. It's then that Callum pulls back, rolling to the side and sitting at the edge of the bed. Exhaustion sticks to his bones like needles, but he can't stay, that wasn't the point of this.

But while Callum has his back turned, Ben looks to him, lets his fingers twitch, wanting to reach out and pull him back. That'd be weak, to admit he needs someone like that, to pull Callum back in and beg him to stay.

Even seeing the red on his back, the way Ben clinged to him, desperate to feel something that wasn't just numb pleasure. And he did, and it's so rare that Ben bites his tongue before he can name it.

Callum hangs his head, arms on his knees, wanting to say something. He can't ask what he did on Wednesday because that was different, Ben proving that they can just have fun.

But this was more, so much more, feelings left open and bare, ready for Ben to pluck and hold, but it wasn't a one way thing, not this time.

So he doesn't say anything, picking up his clothes and placing them back on, buttoning back up his shirt that remained loose on his shoulders.

He does, however, look back to Ben, and they hold what seems to be a delicate question between them. Ben can't hold it for long, looking away and turning over, his back towards him.

It sethers the heart strings, bursts the bubble they put around themselves blindly. Ben only hears his door click a few seconds later, closing his eyes as the ringing in his head is replaced by every little sound of Callum leaving.

The click of his car door below his window, the heavy ignition of the engine, pebbles pushed and moved under rubber.

As Ben hears the sound of Callum's car fading out, Ben has never hated the sound of it more than he does now. He's crumbling too, as if his body is caving in on itself, and he hugs the duvet close to his chest and rewinds how it felt.

Maybe he'll be strong enough one day to lift not just himself, but both of them.

And they'll love, be loved, live out their lives when and how they want. But that's not today, not their future, momentarily given to them only to be taken away.

He's scared of Callum — scared of how much he loves him.

Now he's found it, he doesn't know what to do with it.


	15. boomerang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took a break for a bit, sorry for the delay. hope this chapter is worth the wait, it's a bit of a filler — but hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Thank you for all of your support <3 it really means the world

As he thought, the drive home is hell.

Not even the relaxing voice of whoever is singing on the radio seems to calm Callum down. But there's no white noise in his head, no questions. Just silence.

Callum isn't going to question why he did it, because he himself was the one to step forward, not Ben. So instead of asking himself why, he's caught in the puppet strings of _what if._

There's a difference. If he asked himself why, he'd say it's the only way he can get close to Ben in the way his heart yearns for him. If he asks what if then it becomes silent because they've already done the worst thing Callum fears.

They've become so close that the only option ahead of them is to break apart. Ben doesn't want more, only this and he's made it clear. Callum could find it elsewhere, the love he wants and isn't afraid to find, but there's an awful pulling feeling in his chest when he thinks about it.

He likes Ben, a lot, smiles when he's around him and adores his little girl. They're a small family, their own family made from bits and pieces, thrown out to the side and told to find their own way back to some form of completion. 

But once that family aspect fades away, and it's just them, hands and lips and heat and the quiet way in which Ben says his name against his shoulder — it's uncharted territory, new and exciting but frightening and weighing on his heart so much it feels as if it'll get crushed between his ribs.

Arriving home feels awfully empty, too. Even as he greets Pip at the door with some sort of smile, part of him feels he should be somewhere else, that he's left a piece of his soul somewhere else. 

There's no point dwelling on it, even if he looks at his door twice before locking it. Even if he did go running back, he thinks that Ben wouldn't even open the door for him.

Nature has perfect timing too, rain beginning to pour, almost torrential, and Pip walks back into the living room to watch it, ears tilting every which way. It feels awfully like the backdrop to how he's feeling.

Insignificant, one of many, fading out overtime. 

Ugh. Maybe he's getting too soft.

At least it's Sunday, or it _should be,_ Callum fishing out his phone to squint at the bright pixels. It _is_ Sunday, coming up to 5AM.

Callum sighs, closing his eyes and keeping it that way until Pip nudges his hand, looking up to him with the lead already in her jaw.

He laughs, just a little, energy gone from him.

"Not yet girl," he leans down, taking it from her and scratching his hand between her ears. "I've got to get some sleep first. Will you let me have that?"

She grumbles, but licks his cheek anyway, making Callum smile.

Callum lingers, almost floating around his kitchen, a glass of water at his lips, seconds going by before tipping it back. He thinks, dangerously, that life would've been different right now if Callum had reported him the night this all started.

He would've still been with Whitney, probably. A routine that's been the same for the past however many years, maybe even marriage, kids. It makes him feel a bit sick.

Even though he'd rather have this life right now, it doesn't exactly sell itself well when his heart is so twisted, pulled every which way it's starting to feel like it's not his own.

When he was with Ben, heart racing, tongue tied, it wasn't like anything else he's experienced before. It was overwhelming, like an ocean wave that pulls you under, the relief of breaking back through the surface to the light again.

That's what it's going to be with Ben, to drown and feel only seconds of air at the surface before being pulled down again. Those few seconds are addictive, enough to have Callum going back despite how much he doesn't want to be a throwaway.

Maybe this can work. Have fun, be friends, enjoy life. The only difference is not falling for him, and that was borderline difficult when they were friends.

He likes Ben, enjoys the way he makes him laugh, new in a way that makes Callum think of what the future may be.

Ben won't be here forever, though, won't be with Callum forever. He'll get bored, find another Callum, go through the same recycling process of his self destructive tendencies. And Callum? He'll find something else, probably stumble upon it like he did with Ben.

Only problem is, is that Callum can't really see his future without him.

Perhaps it's his own fault for stepping over the line, forgiving Ben so easily after everything that's happened. It's not like he can take it back now, but guilt can always find an empty space in Callum's chest to weigh him down. He'll go through it so others don't have to.

Placing the glass down, he looks out to the car, still wondering why Ben offered it to him in the first place. Yeah, it's technically not his, but Ben doesn't show any sign of taking it back. Maybe he did it as breathing room, an easy trick to get Callum to stay, and just as easy to push him away by taking the keys back.

He even kept his car, the one Ben took from him the first night. Why would he even do that when he made Callum believe it was gone that night in the alley?

And then Ben's question comes back, accompanied by the sly smirk that carves itself so well inside his head;

_Are you, Callum?_

It's all downhill from there, head falling between his shoulders as each question that follows hammers nails into the back of his neck.

_Are you? Are you doing this for him?_

_Are you doing this because you're afraid?_

_Are you afraid of breaking your own heart?_

He sniffs, pushing himself from the side and heading towards the stairs, feet dragging.

The last question ills him more than any other. Ben is his first, his first chance at loving even though they aren't even _in_ love. Callum hasn't been through this before, open and with a man in ways he's been with Ben, and the fear of how much it'll break his heart in a way he hasn't experienced before is the reason he's fallen.

Callum doesn't want to feel alone, doesn't want to feel the new wound that'll inevitably open after Ben turns away and doesn't come back.

But if he stays, kisses Ben and pretends it's nothing more than two souls too scared to do anything _but_ pretend, maybe he can stay. Maybe he won't ever have to feel the pain of losing love such as this.

The sound of Pip following after him momentarily breaks him from the painful, internal monologue.

"I'm guessing you'll be on Callum watch to make sure I'm up on time," he says, mostly to himself but Pip _zooms_ past him on the stairs. "Guess so."

As Callum picks out fresh clothes for the night, Pip curls up on her side of the bed, still focused on the window and how the rain taps against the glass. She still has most of her puppy curiosity, and she probably won't ever grow out of it.

He gives it a minute, thinking, before heading into the shower. Callum can still feel Ben's hands on his skin, the way he's _under_ his skin, and not even the warm water can replace that when he's already found something better. He stands there, under the spray, eyes closed and thinking back.

That's allowed, right? Thinking about it? Or does that stem under the attachment rule of whatever they seem to be following? Callum sighs, running his hands through his hair.

Even as he steps out, going over to the sink to brush his teeth, he's reminded of how he doesn't even recognise himself anymore. He looks tired, a bit pale, torn between what he really wants and what the world is willing to give him.

Placing a hand on his chest, he brushes his fingertips over the small red moons, fading by now, but they're warm, and Callum can remember looking up to Ben and seeing emotion he's never witnessed before. Callum probably wasn't meant to see it, how pained his eyes looked, almost longing, and then turning his head away so Callum couldn't see.

It doesn't make sense. Who does this? Who purposely breaks their own heart just for five minutes? Callum's asking himself that, and yet, he's the one that's done it.

This isn't him. This isn't what he wants, faking it just for the sake of having barely anything. Ben's took a tiny shard of his heart now, fragile and warm, and Callum did the same to him. No matter how much Callum stands there and tells himself like a mantra that it was the last time, it won't be.

They'll keep coming back to find that shard, and they'll never find it, always taking another and adding it to their collection, to the weight they carry on their shoulders. And it'll keep happening, again and again until they've stolen every single piece of each other, crashing with words sharp enough to slice skin, and just when it all couldn't be any worse — they leave.

If they ever come back, some do, the cycle repeats again. Broken lovers, a broken cycle.

And now Callum is trapped in it.

On one hand, he wants this, to have fun and feel alive — but he likes him. You can't fall in love with someone that's keeping distance with a mental contract. Even if Callum pushes, Ben will push back twice as hard because he's the one that suggested it, and his pride is too honoured to go making a fool of himself by falling in love against his own rules.

Callum sniffs, going back to his nightly routine. His phone pings back in his room, and even though his curiosity taunts him to see if it's Ben, Callum pulls back the duvet and sinks into it with a sigh.

These sheets are awfully cold. They're not as weighted. Or maybe that was Ben, his one lost arm around him.

It spirals from there, to the point where Callum picks up his phone, hoping it's anything else other than Ben to keep his mind off the twisting sickness in his stomach. 

And it's not just any sickness — why does he feel _homesick?_

To make it worse, it's Ben's name that illuminates the screen, and Callum falls onto his back, phone in the air and hoping whatever he's sent will explain why they're doing any of this.

It's never that easy, though, is it?

_[Ben, Sunday, 05:23am]: wanna come over and work on the car later?_

_[Ben]: we won't get it done on time for the festival but we can do some upgrades to blue as well if you want_

Callum doesn't admire how quickly his heart plummets. This really is what it's going to be like, five minutes of Ben's total focus on him and nothing else, only to forget it ever happened as soon as the door closes on his way out.

He can't leave him without a reply either, because that's Callum, and he feels rude ignoring him when all he's done is ask a question about the holiday he's been invited to.

_Oh god — the holiday._

Callum throws his phone to the side, pushing his hands against his face in borderline disbelief that he's allowed himself to fall into this mess. He's going to have to pretend even more next week because he'll be in the presence of Ben's family. 

_Fuck. This literally couldn't get any worse._

He said that the night he met Ben for the first time, so maybe he shouldn't tempt fate.

Callum closes his eyes, searching for his phone discarded against the sheets, picking it up to reply.

He opens his eyes to his wallpaper, exhaling as the image of Ben and Lexi feeding a baby giraffe looks back. Ben's smile is so wide, and Lexi is beaming. 

If only this was different. If only _they_ were different.

_[Callum, Sunday, 05:56am]: yeah sure. see you in the afternoon_

Callum's about to lock his phone but Ben replies straight away, as if he's been waiting all this time.

_[Ben]: afternoon?_

_[Callum]: im meeting whitney_

_[Ben]: ok_

Callum frowns. Why would that even bother him? It's not like he's already eager to meet up again, and _surely_ he'd want space for a while to avoid any complications.

But that's _Callum,_ and for a moment, he worries his bottom lip between his teeth at the thought of it being different for Ben.

Maybe he does want to see him again so soon, maybe he's already seeing when Callum can. Or he's bored, or Callum was good enough for that second chance. It's not like Ben really said anything about it, if it's going to happen again or if their agreement really is an agreement.

_[Ben]: see you about three?_

_[Callum]: sure_

Ten minutes pass, and nothing else comes through. It hurts how much their casual conversations have dwelled to mere simple exchanges. Yes or no levels of conversations never sit well with Callum, always feeling as if it's his own fault when friendships start to become stale.

Now, their frankly innocent and friendly relationship has turned to a simple transaction. Yes or no, kiss and go. It feels awful, and it's not what Callum wants, but it's the only thing he's going to get unless he looks for it elsewhere.

He needs to decide what's good for himself, to be the one to guide himself down whatever path feels vital. Learning from mistakes is part of life, but it doesn't mean he can simply ignore the pain when it happens.

Callum doesn't want Ben to be a mistake. He wants him to be a memory worth remembering, at least. 

Maybe he's just said it, that they won't last and the goodbye is inevitable because even now, they're in this delicate balance of not quite being something, but wanting it. 

Callum doesn't get much sleep, about three hours, but the usual Sunday walk with Pip is uplifting. She runs around in circles as she usually does, back and forth and between his legs. She must know something's up.

When he reaches the bench, the spot he came out to Ben, said his apology to Chris somewhere up in the clouds, it feels like a cold spot, a permanent placement in time that'll hold that memory.

In five years time it'll still be there, how Ben hugged him tight and never let go. 

\- - -

"So," Whitney places her coffee down, shuffling forward in her seat. "Did the shirt do the trick?"

Callum has the right to say yes, that he managed to have someone interested until Ben came up beside him like a guard dog. It's not the same, though, not what he wanted.

Well, what does he even really want? It's a jumbled mess of not realising _what_ he wants and just enjoying what he _can_ have, or what's being given to him.

It's sunny outside, both of them sitting at a park bench a few minutes out of town. A few kids are running around with kites, and Pip is sunbathing by Whitney's feet. She seems a lot more comfortable around her now, and it makes Callum happy.

Callum's been unpacking the lunch he prepared before he left, a few sandwiches and pastries that didn't take too long. He promised Whitney a thanks for the shirt and this is it, treating her to a casual lunch of sorts, a coffee van not far from where they're sitting.

Sitting in the silence, Whitney watches Callum space out, tapping his fingers against the side of his orange juice glass. A white shirt sits on his shoulders, loose, short sleeved. There's only a small amount of gel keeping his hair to the side.

"Maybe next time," he says, smiling. It doesn't help that those words speak for something else too; a next time for him and Ben, the same way it was mere hours ago.

Does that answer it, then? The same question he's been asking himself ever since?

"I don't believe that," Whitney shrugs, hugging her own coffee mug with her hands, bringing it to her lips. "Not with _that_ smile — and what about Ben?"

Callum almost sighs, not wanting an audible reminder of the name that's become so formidable in crumbling every resolve he thought he had. 

One promise, one promise of barely seconds, a small blink of their lives just to see what it could be like.

"Ben?" Callum asks, trying to sound clueless.

"He invited you out, didn't he?" 

"Yeah," he really wants to move on from this subject, but Whitney isn't going to drop it. Perhaps it'll be good to talk about it even though he doesn't want to.

"And?"

Callum's fingers increase in pace on the glass, feeling his lungs burn a little, trying to keep the words in. It's not every day you're sitting across from your ex and talking freely about other relationships as if he has a normal one with Ben to begin with. 

"We went together, stayed about… ten minutes and then went home." Callum leaves it at that, but the time doesn't make sense. Why only stay for ten minutes?

"Callum — _come on._ You know you can talk about this with me," Whitney smiles, and it does very little to comfort Callum. 

"There's not much to it," he replies, taking a sip of his orange juice, a blissful few seconds where he doesn't have to answer.

"I don't believe it," she says, nodding towards him. "Invited out by the infamous Ben Mitchell and _nothing_ happens?"

"Whit— it's nothing." 

The sharp way in which he replies has Whitney frowning. Surely it can't be that bad, right? But if Callum's being defensive, not open, then surely he's more bothered about _what_ happened rather than what didn't.

Callum must realise his fault, because he's shaking his head, sighing, eyes closed for a few seconds to prepare himself. 

Whitney is the closest friend he has. If he's going to make sense of any of this, then having someone else's opinion might help.

"I slept with him."

There's no way to sugarcoat this, and it must hurt Whitney in some way, considering all that time they were together, Callum never initiated something like that before.

He can't look at her, eyes down to his glass. The silence is almost deafening.

"I fucked up, Whit," Callum exhales, feeling the burn in his throat. Saying it makes it worse. "I thought it'd mean something more to him like it does to me. And he said — he said we could _be something,_ and I wanted to believe him, I did — but it's like it never happened, that he didn't even realise what he said."

Whitney reaches out for his hand, squeezes it and ties their fingers together. She can see the lingering tears in his eyes, how much the memory wants to tip between good and evil.

"I'm sorry," she says, gentle, squeezing again as she says it.

Callum smiles, pained.

"Not gonna' say I told you so?" jokes Callum, smile faltering to the numb expression he had before.

"No. I would, but — you like him, don't you?"

It's like something kicks him in the back, sudden and sharp. He's been saying it to himself for days, saying it in the way he looks at Ben and wishes for more.

He even says it when he kisses him, when his hands cup his face, fingers scratching into his hair, over him and looking down at the broken, open pieces of a lost man — he's never admitted it but he's already proved it to himself.

Out of everything, out of everyone, he falls for the one guy that won't ever see him the same way.

"Yeah," and admitting it hurts like _hell,_ knowing that his heart yearns but Ben's doesn't. "Somehow."

"Somehow?"

"I didn't want to. He was just a mate. I finally have a friend I've always wanted, some sort of family I never really had before, and now it's all messed up because I fell for the first guy to smile at me." Callum almost squeezes his glass, but Whitney still holds his other hand, comforting in an otherwise overwhelming scenario.

She ponders for a moment, debating what to say, and in the end she goes with her gut instinct. Whitney knows Callum, knows most of his insecurities, how he works around people and what he wants from the world.

But it's less of a _want_ and more of a _need —_ a need to see the good in everything even when there isn't.

"I think this is different, Callum," she takes her hand back, and Callum frowns slightly. How is anything _meant_ to be this way? How is anything _meant_ to hurt this much?

"What?"

"You see someone else when you're with him," Whitney says, admiring how much of a good guy Callum is, that even he can't see it himself. "You see what he can't, and it's ripping you apart but you don't want to lose that chance if he does see it eventually — because you _do_ like him, and because it's you, that means you like him probably more than most people do. Hell, I think you're crazy."

Callum laughs, because honestly, he does feel a little crazy in falling for Ben even after every warning. He can't control what his heart yearns for, though.

"I don't know, Whit. No matter what I do he goes back to the same old Ben, like he's scared of something."

Whitney nods, "Even though I don't like the guy, I grew up in the same square as him. He's only really ever had himself to rely on, and maybe he doesn't want anyone else to lean on because of that."

"I don't want him to rely on me," he sighs, "I just want—"

"—him to like you."

Callum finally looks up, meeting her eyes, the soft smile she holds in them. All Callum's ever wanted is to be liked by people, to be adored and loved by one special person he'll somehow find in the future.

Now it feels like it's here and not at the same time. He shrugs, as if he's already given up.

"He's invited me to go on holiday next week," he's swiftly avoiding the question, and well — it's more of a statement. The more he ignores it, maybe it'll go away quicker.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I said the same," Callum starts unwrapping some food, equally hungry as well as sad. Maybe it'll just be his personal, constant vibe.

"That tells me a lot." Whitney whispers a small thanks as Callum passes her a sandwich and some pastries.

"That he feels guilty for all the shit he's done to me?" Callum feels it's coldhearted, not in his nature to say it, but he's hurting a lot more than he's caring to admit.

 _"Well,_ I hope he does, but no," she waits for Callum's focus to be on her, and eventually, he does, having no idea of what else to say that could possibly mean something important. "He cares about you, wants you to be around more often than not, enough to invite you on what seems to be a family trip."

It seems so easy to understand when she says it like that, like suddenly everything makes sense.

"But this is Ben, right?" Whitney continues, "He's not going to say that or show it in ways that are explicitly easy. For a guy with a lot to say he doesn't really give much away, if that makes sense."

"It does," Callum replies, a little faint hearted. "I just… wish he'd let me in. I know he's not what he makes himself out to be."

"You always see the good in people, don't you?" laughs Whitney, taking a bite of her sandwich.

"I'm starting to think it's becoming a bad thing," he says, scratching at his neck, smiling as a kid runs past them with a kite, their friends following after them in equal amazement looking towards the sky. "Maybe I should take it for what it is, have some fun, find someone when I feel the time's right."

"You could, yeah," and that's more of a _but_ if Callum's ever heard one before, "but don't come out the other side broken, where none of it was worth it."

Callum's sandwich suddenly becomes hard to swallow, tasteless in his mouth. Whitney's right, because if anyone is going to come out of this unscathed it's Ben, not Callum.

He's not aware it'll do just as much, if not _more_ damage to Ben than anything before. A second chance always hurts more when you realise you've wasted it.

"At least tell me there's some good news between you and Chantelle?" 

Whitney blinks. "That's sudden."

"I'm tired of talking about him," he misses out the _he's on my mind twenty-four-seven_ addition. "I'm hoping you're having more luck than me."

And suddenly, Whitney's smiling, blushing almost. Callum beams, starting to laugh.

"Well? That's gotta' mean something?"

"What means something?" Whitney tries to brush it off, but the smile is evident even as she bites her sandwich.

"That smile," he points to her with his pinky, still holding his sandwich. 

"Chantelle... she asked me out on a date."

Callum has to blink a few times, utterly shocked. Well, he's known them to be close ever since he first arrived. When Chantelle got a divorce, Whitney was there to support her and still is, to guide her and offer a shoulder to cry on.

With what happened between Callum and Whitney, Chantelle returned the same support. Through that, perhaps they realised something a little more about them than just friends.

"Wow," Callum shakes his head slowly, "That's—"

"Weird, right?" She laughs, sounding nervous.

Callum lifts his hands, suddenly worried he's said the wrong thing, "No! No no, that's — _god,_ Whit, I'm so happy for you!"

"You are?" She wasn't expecting it, not when Callum's struggling with his own love life. But then again, this is Callum, he's happy just because other people are happy.

"Yeah! Why wouldn't I be? You two never not smile when you're together, I was waiting for the day," he laughs, feeling a sudden sting in his chest, but he ignores it. "When is it?"

"Next week, well — not _this week_ coming but the week after that."

"Oh, you'll have to call me and update me, yeah?" Callum nudges her from across the table. He'll be on holiday with Ben when it happens. "I want to hear all about it."

"No you don't! You big sap!" Whitney laughs, and for the first time in a while, Callum can see how much happiness suits her. It's never been quite there, but now it's blooming.

"Of course I do!" Callum leans forward a little, hoping his words will sink in better, wanting them to mean as much as they feel to Callum. "You're my best mate, Whit. I want to see you happy, I really do."

Her smile almost disturbs the tears that rest in her eyes, "Callum, I really hope you find the same."

"It'll be a few years for me yet, I think," he takes her hand. "Just invite me to the wedding, yeah? Might have one of those movie tropes happen to me where I find my future husband at my best mates wedding."

Whitney laughs once more, light and full of happiness. It makes Callum's aching and yearning heart a little less heavy.

"Of course you're getting an invite, and who even talks about marriage this early anyway!"

Callum shrugs, eyes crinkling from his smile as he laughs, "And? It's gonna' happen!"

"You're so annoying!" She laughs, mumbling multiple _no no no's_ when Callum stands up, walking round the table to envelope her in a big hug.

She reaches her hands up, kissing his temple, and the pair swing a little, laughing. When Callum stands back, she smacks his stomach lightly.

"You better come help me pick my dress."

"For the date or the wedding?" He asks, sitting down with a grunt. "Both?"

Whitney smiles, bright, and for a moment the pair share that same smile. It's more of silent acceptance than anything else, that this is what they were meant to be, that the road leads here for them. What they had will always mean something, a history that keeps their foundations strong, holding her hand through tough times, and Whitney has and will do the same for Callum.

Whitney nods, "I'd say both."

"Then I'll be there," Callum replies, winking, but it turns out to be a blink.

"You never could wink."

"Hey!" He frowns, laughing shortly after. "We were having a moment!"

\- - -

Considering he was in a good mood earlier, turning up at Ben's house feels like he never was.

Even as he steps out, Ben is already working on their project car, under the hood with music playing softly off to the side.

He must have heard Callum's car, but he's chosen not to say anything, and he doesn't even turn around until Callum reaches a few steps away, hands sitting in the pockets of his bomber jacket.

Ben's sly smile doesn't sit well with Callum, not when it's followed by silence. They just seem to stare, sharing a faint tension that could only give room to remember, Ben's eyes dropping down his body.

It makes Callum speak up, like something's kicked his lungs.

"What's the progress?"

Ben scoffs, turning away, "Afternoon to you too, sunshine."

Callum feels the frown before he can feel the anger, stepping a bit closer to inspect the engine. He has some knowledge, mechanical training from the army, just the basics.

Ben seems to stiffen as Callum stands beside him, eyes fixed to various compartments. There's no doubt he wants a repeat with Callum, but he's fearful of how much it felt like falling and being caught in his arms. 

He can't get attached because then, it really _will_ be over, and he'll lose Callum when he already knows he has.

"Going well," Ben swallows after he speaks, unclipping the stand so he can close the bonnet with a thud. "Was thinking body work today."

"Alright," Callum turns away, strips himself of his jacket and puts it along the back of the sofa, the same sofa Callum has a vivid memory of with Ben.

When he turns back, Ben looks away, flinches almost, kicking into gear. Callum notices. Ben can't fool him.

"You mind the music?" asks Ben, and Callum shakes his head.

"Fine with me," Callum picks up a marker, knowing he'll need to mark the spots he needs to smooth, and parts they'll need to replace. "When are the new parts due?"

"Tomorrow," Ben clicks at the metal, all the paint from the old job now gone. "If you want to work on it?"

Callum should say no, he should walk away entirely and just let Ben finish it on his own and reap the rewards, but his heart stops aching when he's around Ben.

He almost feels — _at home._ Not quite, but a weird mix between belonging and fascination. This is how it's going to be with Ben, a constant game and frankly Callum doesn't want to lose, but he might just have to if he wants to walk away without a broken heart.

"Sure," he says, popping the lid off the marker. "Can come here after my work shift."

"Sounds good to me," Ben pulls a wire from a socket in the headlights, old and rusted beyond repair.

And it stays like that, casual, limited conversation.

Even as the sun falls slowly towards the horizon, they've barely spoken a word, mindlessly working on the car, and by the time Callum is brushing his hands, the car is ready for new bodywork tomorrow.

Ben brushes his forehead against his arm, taking a deep breath as they both stand a few feet apart.

"Not bad," Ben says, a little out of breath from cutting and removing old sheets of metal on the front fenders.

Callum smiles, tips his head, can't stop himself from saying it.

"For a rookie?"

Ben doesn't smile. He seems almost guilty, clearing his throat and walking to the other end of the garage to switch off the old boombox.

He remains there, biting his lip, taking a few seconds before walking back up to where Callum is. Ben lingers near, facing him directly this time as they lock eyes.

"Can we talk about it?"

Callum almost laughs. _He's_ the one that wants to talk about it? It was _Ben's idea_ in the first place to organise something like this.

"What is there to talk about, Ben?" He looks away, feeling like he holds all the cards, even though Ben can easily see what chance he has of winning with the deck held backwards.

Ben hasn't seen the worst of him yet though, the trained warrior that he left in the sand.

"Just wanted to say it was good fun," Ben clicks his tongue, his smile so fake Callum has forgotten what his genuine smiles even look like.

"That was the point, wasn't it?" argues Callum, head held back slightly, the ceiling less daunting than Ben's blue eyes. "You got what you wanted, ain't you happy?"

"Yeah," Ben amazingly keeps his voice intact, eyes up towards Callum, going along his jaw and focusing on the stubble. He knows how that feels against him, how his kisses are so sweet yet so alight it's almost as if he can't breathe.

Why is he so scared to have that again? To ask Callum for a second chance when it's usually the person he's with asking for it?

In reality, Callum _is_ holding the deck of cards, and Ben is just fooling himself thinking he can win. Callum has more power over Ben then he realises, hands wrapped so tight around his heart already that one sign of love will make it expand, squeezing under the pressure until it breaks.

"So?" Callum focuses back on Ben, shrugging. "That's it?"

"Can we still have what we had before?" Ben feels so out of place, like his feet are stuck in mud. Maybe if he makes fun out of this, batting jokes left right and centre they'll go back to how they were.

Callum smiles, but it's not one made from glee. It's mocking, a little sour.

"You mean — you want to forget this happened? Because I don't think I can do that, Ben." Callum turns, walking outside to the chill afternoon air. 

Ben doesn't follow straight away, swivelling on his foot before stepping after him.

"I wouldn't say that," Ben continues, "You never forget your first."

Callum halts, the sound of pebbles scratching underneath his feet. That's obviously a dig at Callum, but the first part of what he said doesn't fit.

Callum turns, meeting Ben's eyes and feeling his own expression soften. No matter what he does, Ben's right — he'll never forget him. Whether that's a good or bad thing is yet to be decided, and it'll probably take him years.

"What did you mean about before? You mean when we were friends? Before the kiss?"

"No, _no —_ that we have this _and_ what happened."

It takes a bit, but Callum starts to shake his head. Once again, he shouldn't, but he looks back to Ben after staring at his house for a second too long. 

"I think we already agreed to this, didn't we?"

The moment he left, the moment Callum walked out of that door pretending it meant nothing — that was the moment the deal tethered itself together. 

If Callum had just stayed, told Ben he can't do it, right now would be different. Granted, he was terrified of the rejection, but the constant, numb feeling of not knowing exactly what they are is worse.

It's not like he can go back on his word either, stuck between lying to himself and breaking away from Ben as if it won't hurt and leave a bruise.

Ben seems to be fine with that, giving a small nod as Callum simply stares back.

"Good work on the car," he says, turning away and walking back towards his house.

Callum feels the pull, the electric magnetism that wants to push his feet those few steps after Ben, but the angel on his shoulders wins, even though the devil burns as his heart strings pull the more distance gains between them.

Rolling away in the car feels different, as if the old Ben and Callum, their relationship fuelled by the desire to have someone close, a _friend —_ it's gone.

Now they're thrill seekers, Callum stepping into his world way too far and chained to the door. Just enough breathing room but not enough to leave.

And Callum is intoxicated, still is when the next day his whole morning shift is occupied by Ben. No matter how much he tries to focus on his job, presenting plates well, cooking food to the best he can, he's thinking about that morning, the way they could be so much more and at the same time it's so _fucking far away._

Which is why Tuesday night, he's at Ben's door, eyes to the floor and waiting as two knocks resonate through Ben's house.

It's why he's reaching for Ben before he even gets a chance to say _afternoon, sunshine_ because he's sick of hearing it. Sunshine feels warm, but being with Ben is like a match striking against the side of the box, quick and burning, a limited time before you have to flinch away from the flame.

But it doesn't stop Callum daring those seconds before that flame touches his skin, kissing Ben as if he's missed him and in truth, he has. Monday night after work was a tug of war in whether to come here or sulk in front of the TV and watch what his life could be.

He can't do that again, because Ben's an enigma and Callum's the treasure hunter, finding gold where others wouldn't dare go.

Ben can't push him away, because he's tugging Callum's hoodie as they walk backwards, Callum kicking the door shut behind them.

Ben grunts when his back hits the wall, pulling at Callum's belt buckle, fingers in the loops and sighing against his lips when they collide again. Callum's weight against him makes Ben burn.

"This is a surprise," Ben remarks, words like a snake. Callum is helplessly charmed by them, his heart kicking quicker because Ben's words, his hands — they're all focused on Callum.

It almost feels like the angel wings everyone praises Callum for are being tugged, broken from bone in his back, the sun that once looked down on him overshadowed by Ben's own demons.

He doesn't say anything back, just grips Ben's head, kisses him, ventures to his neck and can't go further.

Not when Ben swings them round, Callum exhaling when his back meets the wall instead. He can't look anywhere but Ben's eyes, the way they hold so much mystery but equal pain.

When Ben leans up to kiss him, he makes Callum follow him when he tilts his head, and the smile that carves his lips is equal means to show he has Callum hooked on him, strung and pulled to break at his mercy. Flames already coat Callum's skin is every way and it's too late.

Callum thumps his head back, breathes, chest with a healthy rhythm, eyes drunk with the adrenaline that rushes through him like ink to water.

Ben keeps his eyes on him, fingers still tugging at Callum's belt loops and making him feel all sorts of strength, the thrill that comes from two hearts colliding. Callum wants him just as much as Ben wants Callum.

The smile fades from Ben's face when Callum's fingers gently press to the sides of his face. He's savouring this, a moment he can keep that's not being drowned in denial.

Ben can't do that, to have the same hope Callum does so he leans in, nipping Callum's bottom lip, kissing him so that the gentle hold Callum has changes to something strong, weighted, even more so when Ben drops to his knees

\- - -

"This doesn't change next week, does it?" Callum is fiddling around with his shirt, making sure it's the right way from where they hurried to get everything off.

Ben is still on the sofa, half dressed, eyeing Callum with the ghost of his hands all over the skin of his back. He misses it, already, and he hates it.

But for Callum to ask about next week, it brings him a little comfort knowing that Callum cares about going.

"Not if you let it," Ben leans his head on a closed fist, elbow on his leg. "We're just having fun."

Callum wants to never hear those words again, in all honesty. Sunshine, fun — this isn't that at _all._

"Yours and my views of fun are vastly different," replies Callum, not missing how Ben rolls his eyes.

"You're the one that came in here kissing me, I couldn't even ask you if you wanted a drink," he takes his eyes away from Callum, beginning to think if it's possible to miss someone three footsteps away.

At least they're talking casually before Callum leaves. The first time they did this left an ill feeling in Ben's stomach, the silence lingering after what felt like euphoria too much to handle, especially when silence isn't even a material object and somehow still weighs him down.

"Had a bad day at work," says Callum, looking around, finding his belt. "This is what we're doing, ain't it? Highs to blur the lows."

"We're having _fun,_ Callum. We have a good relationship, which so happens to include _this._ Could be worse, right? Could be married, two kids, debts up to our ears," Ben runs his hand through his hair, glancing over to Callum doing his belt up. "We run out of time every day, I'm not losing it over things I can't control."

"What? You can't control having a relationship?"

"It's — it's not _that."_ Ben sighs, looking down, scratching at his stubble before reaching for his phone. No texts. Shit.

He's going to have to kick him out instead of having an excuse to leave.

Why would he even mention that? A relationship?

Ben stands up, smiling when Callum looks over to him and lingers for a few seconds before looking away again. They're on such a fine line that it's starting to make even Ben feel unbalanced.

"I know I'm good, stellar even, but don't get too attached," Ben jokes, fastening his belt. "Relationship is a dangerous word, anyway. This, what we're doing, it might start to mean something more and no one wants to handle that mess."

He sounds like he's talking from experience and it bothers Callum, having to grit his teeth before he can ask why he's so confident about all of this when he's never mentioned dating anyone before.

But he can't help saying what he feels, pushed by the pain in his chest he wants to go away. Ben's walking towards Callum now, eyes glued to his, almost in wonder.

"Of course it's gonna' mean something to me, Ben—"

Ben cuts him off, lips to his, hands to his face and thumb scratching the stubble. It numbs Callum, completely lost and only found by kissing Ben back, leaning after him when he pulls away.

There's no sweet smile, no genuine look of affection. It's that smirk, the curve of Ben's lips that everyone back home curses and has nightmares about.

Ben grips the fabric of Callum's shirt, tugs him a little closer and clicks his tongue. Callum should walk away, leave it at just the second time, the _last time_ — but Ben's eyes are blue enough to drown in.

"Listen, Callum," he pats his chest with one hand, soothes it under the fabric of his shirt that's still open. "You've been trying to find happiness half your life, right? Well, now you're here," and at that, he gestures to the two sports cars outside, his and Callum's, shining under the sun. "Cars, long nights, sex whenever you want, no strings attatched," Ben soothes his thumb over the vein of his neck to make a point. "A chef at some top resturant, the job you always wanted, dreamed of. You're in a pretty good spot."

Callum can see what he's doing, making him settle, striking another deal.

"You make it sound easy."

He doesn't finish the rest of what he wants to say, that Ben makes it sound more than perfect, someone else's dream, beautiful and put together like delicate fragments when Callum has never felt so torn.

"That's because it is," Ben shrugs, a small action, but it takes so much to do it.

"What if I ain't satisfied, Ben? What if this isn't what I want?" His hands gesture by his sides, sealed to the floor by the mere presence of Ben's hands on him.

"Then go find it, ay?" Ben pats his chest again, beginning to steer what this is, the conversation they're having into his favoured direction — the cars he uses as an escape. "No one can outrun you in that." 

Callum swallows, wanting to reach and cup his face so the words sink in and Ben can't let go, but he can't. There's a lot of days ahead of them, a lot of mindless games and nights hidden between them.

There's no use jumping in so early, but he does anyway. Callum's always been an open book.

"You can," because he can and he will. Ben doesn't expect him to say it, and that's what makes the facade fall off his face for just a moment.

"That's because you're shit at driving," winks Ben, stepping back and grabbing his shirt, putting it back on. "And I'm gonna' help."

This isn't what Callum meant, and he knows Ben is purposely twisting this away from the delicate promises Callum reads to him and towards the unpredictable.

The words he said, that this is easy, they start to poison and linger.

Callum watches as Ben adjusts his shirt, still does as he reaches for his hoodie. Ben seems to realise that, or realise it for whatever he's planning.

"We're coming back afterwards."

"Oh, we are?" Callum tilts his head, mocking him with a small head tilt. "Didn't realise I had a schedule planner."

"No, you've got driving school," and with a quick ruffle of his hands through his hair, he's ready to go. "Ready?"

"I — I didn't agree to this," stutters Callum, taking a step back when Ben nudges past him towards the front door.

"Didn't you ask the other day? For me to teach you?" Ben looks back, and Callum is standing there a little mortified. He didn't actually expect him to do it.

The only reason he is, is because he's cornered. The lone wolf has nowhere else to go. Callum can make Ben open up, but the words he wants to say are dipped in fire, burning his throat.

So he's running, even though he knows no matter how much he tries to outrun Callum, he'll always be there.

He's under his skin.

"Well, yeah," Callum scratches at his neck, trying not to think about how Ben was kissing there not long ago. "You never gave me an answer."

"I am now." Ben keeps the door open, doesn't wait for Callum to follow.

When he steps outside, Ben is opening another garage that's been closed all this time.

"Are we not going in blue?" Referencing his own car.

"If you want to pay for replacement tyres, sure," Ben laughs, taking a car key from the holder and throwing it to Callum who almost doesn't catch it.

It's a modified car, street make, decals stuck every which way like they didn't know where to put them. It looks like a nightmare on wheels.

Ben gestures to it, "Baby car, training car, training wheels — whatever floats your boat." He opens the passenger door, winking. "Get in."

\- - -

Ben directs Callum to an abandoned piece of tarmac apparently used for the circus that visits every now and then. Right now, it's an empty canvas for rubber and metal.

Telling him to stop in the middle, Ben explains he's going to teach him how to drift, important car control. He gets out, leaving Callum a bit bewildered on his own, leaning in through the open window, explaining some basics.

Acceleration control, throttle, handbraking — all one delicate balance a machine this loud shouldn't be capable of.

"Now, when you hold this, don't get too excited," Ben taps the handbrake with his finger, and Callum just glares.

"Shut the fuck up," Callum turns his head back to the wheel. Ten minutes of car language is enough, especially with Ben leaning over him. "Can I go now?"

Ben shrugs, steping back from the car. "Go ahead, do your worst."

Now that he's actually in control, it feels awfully overwhelming without Ben. The car waits beneath his hands, growling like something untamed.

This is another step into Ben's world, and it's not exactly an easy one like going for a coffee or spending the night playing games. Everything about Ben is sharp, sudden, sideways and every which way, just never the way you expect.

"Pip could drive better than you," Ben shouts, stepping back again. "It's gonna' be bedtime by the time you do your first drift."

Thankfully, Callum has a very loud car at his disposal, and kicking the pedal drowns out the voice that no longer becomes the focus — because the car is accelerating, _fast._

Maybe he's not cut out for this, Ben's world is too much too quick, and he's not able to control it on the turns. He can't even make it slide, wheels locking on the turns causing the car to halt.

Callum tries again and again, more used to the feeling and power of it, but never quite getting it right.

On the fifth try at drifting, Callum keeps the car stationary after another failed attempt.

He puts his forehead against the wheel. What is he even doing? Why is he even agreeing to this? How is this going to help _them?_

"Hey, stop," Ben taps the door, getting Callum to focus on him. "You're focusing too much on controlling it. You just gotta' let it happen."

Well, if that isn't a metaphor for everything going on between them right now. Ben realises it too, seeing it in Callum's eyes when they meet.

He clears his throat, pretending it's from the kicked up smoke. Callum just looks away, no energy, shoulders fallen.

"You can do it, Callum," Ben's voice sounds so sincere, and Callum finds himself longing more of it. Not just for this, for the cars, but for _them — it always comes back to them._

And for another hour, Callum manages to get a few short drifts in, smiling when Ben is, clapping from where he stands at a distance. The smoke and sounds of the engine echo across the empty tarmac, nobody for miles, just them and their escape.

Even as dusk settles, Ben swaps places with him, shows him how to do it for real, drifting in long circles, engine choking on the same gear as the acceleration goes up and down, a steady balance to keep the car sideways.

Ben sticks his hand out the window, the air and smoke cold against the warm, nervous hands of his skin, a smile bright on his lips. Callum watches, thinking back to what Whitney said.

 _This_ is Ben — _this_ is who Callum will fall in love with, the Ben hidden by layers he guards like steel.

On the way home, Ben talks about another session, how he'll help train him up for the festival so he can take part in the fun too, and with the smile on his face, Callum agrees.

They end on a good note despite the start to the week. Ben waves him goodbye, just enough to make Callum smile as he rolls away, back in his own car.

If it's like this, it's not too bad. Maybe Callum can do this, find fun in something he knows will only end in tears.

But he likes Ben, and if this is the only way he can have him, then he will. _E_ _very second._

_\- - -_

It gets easier, but never enough.

Wednesday night he doesn't go, he spends time with Whitney and Chantelle at a club, finding it hard to keep the smile off his face because he can have such a good time with them.

They take a group picture, uploading it to their socials, smiling bright with drinks in their hands, and it's not long before Ben is texting him, the music of the club awfully taunting.

_[Ben, Wednesday, 11:06pm]: out partying without me? i'm offended_

_[Callum]: didn't know you followed my socials_

_[Ben]: we're mates ain't we? cant follow my mates on socials?_

_[Callum]: course you can. we can go out tomorrow night if you want?_

_[Ben]: waste of time if i already know who I'm going home with_

Callum feels something warm swirl in his stomach. He doesn't know if it's jealousy or thinking that Ben is referencing Callum. Either way, his mouth goes dry, tipping back his drink before he replies.

_[Callum]: at least let me cook you dinner first_

_[Ben]: dangerous_

_[Callum]: takeaway?_

_[Ben]: bingo_

_[Ben]: around six?_

_[Callum]: will see you then_

"Callum! Come on!" Chantelle is calling him from across the floor, already hand in hand with Whitney as they dance to some 80's classics.

Callum is laughing as he shakes his head, "I've got two left feet, don't do this to me."

He has no choice, because he's being pulled by both Whitney _and_ Chantelle to the dance floor, smiles on all their faces.

Thursday, Callum turns up at Ben's, and the takeaway bag he promised drops to the floor, easy smiles on their lips as Ben pulls him into a kiss. He really could get used to this.

Maybe the takeaway was an excuse for both of them to be here, Ben melting under his hands, the kisses that linger against his spine, the way he can't control his own breathing because Callum helps him venture out of his own head into bliss. They do eat the takeaway eventually, the TV low in the background, socks on, shirts open.

It's even harder to leave knowing they had more time together afterwards again, Callum giving an awkward smile goodbye before shutting the door after him.

They do it again Friday, rolling in cold sheets that soon turn warm, and Callum can see why people _do_ like this sort of thing. Not so easy on the heart but easy enough if it's not a constant thought.

But it is, as soon as he leaves, met with the cold air and not Ben's lips or his warm hands. It's like the ocean drowning him again, sudden.

Despite it, he goes back again, Saturday this time.

Callum is almost out the door, hickey fresh beneath the collar of his work shirt when he has to stop himself. There's a lady at the door, blonde hair, an expression Callum can't quite read.

Ben looks like he's seen a ghost.

_"Mum?"_

_Oh fuck._ How does Callum get out of this now?

"Thought I'd surprise you!" She says, and Ben still has one hand on the door in mild shock as she steps through it, hugging him tight.

And it's then that she spots Callum, focused on him even as she pulls away from Ben. He's holding his jacket in his arms, sweeping his hair back even though it's too late to tame it thanks to Ben. For some reason, or maybe it's just Callum down to the fundamentals, he wants to make a good impression.

"So is this your _friend_ Lola keeps on about?" Kathy asks, arms folded, judging Callum with a stare that makes Callum feel like a kid in school again.

Ben seems lost, like the whole concept of this is so _fucked_ there's no possible way he can get out of this without at least one thing going wrong.

Of course it was Lola, of course.

"Wait—" she takes a step closer to Callum, Ben now stood staring at the both of them. "You live on the square, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," he tries to straighten himself, but he's so unprepared for this that Callum panics, voice breaking. "You — you're Kathy, right?"

She beams at that, and for a moment, she looks back to Ben as if to say; _isn't this crazy?_

Yeah, it's beyond crazy, that the guy he's just had two rounds of incredible sex with is now standing in front of his mother playing guess who.

Let's just say this isn't Callum's element, especially when he's cut off his emotions — or tried to — for the past hour so he could be with Ben. Now, he's scrambling to turn them back on, tripping over himself.

Then there's the fear that Kathy's seen him around, probably listening in to his conversations about Ben in the cafe.

"It's nice to meet you — properly," Callum says, finally, hand outstretched to shake her hand.

But he's being pulled in, Callum's eyes going wide at the hug she's giving him. Oh, this is — unexpected.

From the look of sheer horror on Ben's face, he doesn't believe it either.

"It's nice to meet the man behind all of these stories I keep hearing about," says Kathy, stepping back, looking up to him. "Blimey, you're quite tall, aren't you?"

Callum laughs, a healthy flush to his cheeks.

"Callum, isn't it?"

He nods, and Kathy smiles again. Just _how much_ has he been talked about?

"Well, Callum, thank you for adoring Lexi as much as you do," placing a hand on his arm, she squeezes, and Callum's heart softens.

Ben doesn't want this to get too comfortable. They're just friends, and his mind is still racing from how Callum's hands felt on his thighs, his teeth at his neck.

"Callum has to go," he says, clearing his throat and having that quick, sour and sharp smile curve his lips.

He's not prepared for how those words make Callum react, as if someone's just kicked him in the stomach.

"Oh? Oh!" Kathy laughs a little, and Callum tries so hard to smile, but his throat feels numb, tight. "I'm so sorry, Callum."

"It's fine, honestly," and this time, Callum does smile, pained and not quite there still, but enough to sell it. "It was nice to meet you."

"You too, Callum."

He smiles, not sure what to do, side stepping with a mumbled _sorry_ as he shrugs his jacket on. Callum looks over his shoulder, just once to see Ben's back turned to him as he shuts the door to the house.

And then Kathy looks irritated, crossing her arms as Ben's arms fall to his sides.

What sort of impression did he make? Why does Ben look so deflated, even as he drives off?

It bothers Callum for the rest of the day, sending a text as soon as he's home that doesn't get an answer until the sun fades beyond the horizon.

_[Callum, Saturday, 11:06am]: hope i made a good impression?_

Waiting for it feels like hell. Reading it _is_ hell.

_[Ben, Saturday, 20:01pm]: you did_

_[Ben, Saturday, 20:03pm]: kinda need you to be my boyfriend for the week?_


	16. heavy is the crown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey! this is like, 17k so if you see a typo, either look away or dm me on twitter because my eyes are burning reading this over and there's probably one i've missed.
> 
> But THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! for all the love on this, like it's honestly insane the response i'm getting for this fic, i honestly dont deserve it!!
> 
> and why is this chapter so long? well! it's the start of the holiday chapters, aka the run up for the third part of the fic and eventually the end — chapter 16 is what i like to call the 'ben' chapter and chapter 17 is the 'callum' chapter, both of them paired together but split in two
> 
> there's also two songs for this chapter that i wrote to, [this one](https://open.spotify.com/track/2AybV21gdzmTdfaibNKTTR?si=W27Ppe9cSvGzjPZng3q52A) is just the theme for the entire chapter, and the second will be linked somewhere in this chapter when the time is needed for it. Up to you if you wanna listen during, after, or not at all. 
> 
> once again, big thank you to jay for being a complete angel. this fic wouldnt be the way it is without you
> 
> tw for this chapter; alcohol, scar mention/scars, ptsd mentions

_"What do you mean you're serious about this?"_ Callum says, voice raised even through the metallic of the phone speaker, Ben taking a seat on his bed. _"Please tell me this is one of your sick jokes."_

Ben expected this. Not long after he sent the text, Callum's name was on his phone — _INCOMING CALL_ sinking dread deep in his bones. 

He just wants to go to sleep. Kathy picked him apart, forced him to find an easy way out just so he could avoid any more questions about Callum.

Kathy wants him to be happy, find a steady. All he has to do is lie for a few days and she'll be miles away again. 

"It's not, Callum," Ben hangs his head between his shoulders, looking at the pale beige of his carpet, moving one of his feet in small circles. "It slipped out when I was talkin' to her. It was the only way to get her to shut up about it."

_"What? How can lying about us just slip out? We're not even dating, and you're the one that refuses to even acknowledge that we could!"_

Ben would honestly hate to see his face right now, how that sweet smile is nothing but anger and disgust towards him. Honestly, he thanks whatever lucky stars he has left that Callum _isn't_ here in person, because god only knows how much it would hurt.

On the phone, Callum is nothing more than a voice, a distant thing that can't hurt him, but the words still sting. Or, they might linger, wait for the perfect moment to come forward and pile that unbearable weight on top of everything else going on.

He's used to seeing Callum smiling, distant sadness, the sparks of anger. _N_ _ot_ disapproval.

"Calm down, mate. It's just pretend, and we won't have to do anything different. My mum won't even ask that much about it when we're there—"

_"She's going?"_

This isn't good.

Ben bites his tongue. He can't lie about this because Callum _is_ going, and that's if he still is.

"Yeah, she'll be there the whole week."

A sigh comes through the speaker, a few clicks, muffled sounds and then complete silence. Perhaps it's over, the anger, Callum only capable of short bursts.

He'll be thankful for it, to not get an earful down the phone over another mistake he's made, but it's worse not hearing anything when he knows Callum is listening and _there_ but he isn't _here._

 _"Why would you… why would you even say something like that…"_ Callum says it to himself rather than a question, but the weak and almost distant way in which he says it nails Ben how much this is going to rock what's already a fine balance between them.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" Ben tries to make it a laughing matter when he already knows it isn't.

What he's asking for is no joke, and it's not going to be easy to pretend to be close and still shut off any sort of feelings. It's already difficult to do that now, the lingering weight of _Callum_ and his arms around him, hands moving along his skin in that tender way that promises so much more.

It makes Ben feel lonely. Even more so when they'll have to act close, as if nothing's there, when all Ben would rather do is hold his hand, push his face into his chest, kiss him softly and just — _hold._

He's been denying it for years, how much he yearns that sense of belonging, having that one person to lean on, to come home to. Now, there's Callum, and yet he still denies it because he's scared of it being true, and _if_ it's true, it also means that eventually he'll lose it.

Perhaps he already is.

He shouldn't have said what he did, either, because silence lingers again, cold and weighted in Ben's chest.

 _"Not like this, Ben."_ Miles away, Callum is hugging a pillow to his chest, squeezing it as he lays on his bed. _"Never like this."_

Ben mirrors him, falling back on the bed as his legs dangle over the edge. 

He's struck by how empty he feels, how cold and weightless he feels. The last time he looked up laying here, Callum was there, fringe falling down, one of his hands cupping Ben's face as he leaned in to kiss him.

It's strange, how much having someone but not having all of them hurts more than nothing at all.

Ben's had Callum in the most intimate way possible, yet it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel as if _this is it, the only thing they're capable of._

"I'm joking," he says, a small laugh falling from his lips, but Ben doesn't know why he does.

_"I'm not laughing."_

"I know," and for a moment, he loses hold of that false control. "You have a nice laugh."

_"Cut the shit, will you?"_

"I don't know what you want me to say, Callum," Ben closes his eyes and that's a mistake, because now he can easily imagine how angry Callum must look.

It's nowhere near the truth.

Callum's hair is every which way, eyes red, a shake to his fingers he can't seem to figure out. He hugs the pillow against his chest tighter, eyes to the ceiling, as if somehow it'll open up and someone will be there to answer all of the questions he has about life.

But to be honest, there's probably no one willing enough to give guidance when it comes to Ben, a mystery so riddled it's more time than it's worth.

Ben thinks that a lot about himself, the way people must view him. He says he doesn't, ignores it, but in reality it's all of those words piled up at his feet that make his walls so high. They'll pile up, make Ben place more bricks until the shadow over himself is so significant he forgets all about what people have said anyway.

He can't see the over the wall he's built, what good there is beyond all of that trauma and the venom spat his way. He's so used to never seeing the other side that he never hopes for it, just lingering _what ifs_ that always keep him looking up to the top.

Who would even try and climb that? 

"You don't have to come anymore."

_"Why even lie to your own mum? Why not just tell her the truth?"_

Ben _would_ say, explain that she knows Ben never keeps anyone around, not as close as he has with Callum. Hell, he knows Lexi, met Lola and got the thumbs up from her. Even Peter and Jay see what a difference Callum being in his life has made.

But will Ben admit that? No.

And will he admit that and tell it to Callum? _No._

No point, is there? Not when themselves as whatever finicky deal they are is already under strain, nevermind fate and its ticking clock.

"She just wants me to be happy, and — I thought why not."

_"And you think lying to her is gonna' do that?"_

Ben frowns, grits his teeth before speaking again, "I don't need you to parent me."

_"I'm not. You're not making any sense. Why lie about any of this, and for what, to make your mum smile about something that's not even true?"_

The voice in Ben's head whispers _fuck you, Callum,_ and it should make him laugh, but it's his own way of denying a voice of actual reason. Callum's right, why even make something like that up?

"She said you seemed like a nice guy, wondered why you were still around. That's all," Ben sits back up again, brushing his hand over his face. "Guess you can count yourself lucky for being on her nice list."

 _"Ben, you need to tell her the truth,"_ he's whispering it, almost, as if he has no strength to raise his voice in order for it to sink in.

Thing is, it hurts more for Ben to hear him this way, to cause that lack of strength.

He won't have to tell her the truth, it'll be obvious.

 _"I can't — I can't do this, Ben,"_ and those words set off fires so hot under Ben's skin it frightens him. _Fear. "I can't lie about this too. It's already enough with everything else."_

"Not this again."

_"What? Not this again? I'm doing this for you."_

"That's not how it feels," snaps Ben, and it's only then, eyes going wide, that he realises what he's just said.

Silence grips them both, and Ben can't sit there and hold out on whatever Callum is going to say next.

He's just said that it means something to Ben, that it goes both ways, that Ben can only have Callum this way to save both of their hearts in the long run.

It never works that way, though. _Fuck. It never works like that._

_"Ben—"_

"Just be here Monday at 6am, no later." Ben can't breathe.

_"Ben, wait—"_

_CALL ENDED._

He throws the phone to the side, hands on his face to prevent his head from falling completely.

_That's not how it feels._

_You fucking idiot._

Ben pushes his face even more into his hands, trying to wake himself up even if he's about to go to sleep. Callum could've said anything to reply to that, and probably the most frightening outcome would have been him agreeing to it.

That's too much, too frightening. There's no way he can do that, to hear Callum say it and deny it outright when he knows there's a heart just as fragile as his waiting on the other end.

He opens his eyes, feeling lost until he spots it.

Callum's hoodie. He's forgotten it.

He was late to meet Whitney, and for that, he forgot it in haste to get dressed after losing himself in Ben. It's heavy, thick fabric, bringing it towards his lap, and the weight is nothing near Callum's but it's something.

His thumb moves over the surface, soft yet worn from age. Ben brings it higher, breathing in at the collar, Callum's aftershave still lingering.

It hurts how much he misses someone he shouldn't.

Looking down, Ben becomes momentarily gifted with the memory of Callum lifting it from his own shoulders, arms across his body and flinging it to the side. Must be why it got lost partly under his bed, their feet shuffling and kicking stuff out the way until Ben fell back and Callum went with him.

He can't think like this. It's his own rule not to get attached. Well, he _is,_ but he's deceived enough people in his life to lie and get away with it.

It'll bruise his heart twice over to lie to Callum, to keep him close in his own selfish way, to keep him close and feel the grounding way in which Callum holds him over and over, kisses him, looks at him like there'll be no one else. 

Ben closes his eyes, resting the fabric against his face.

This might be the worst lie he's ever had to keep.

\- - -

_MONDAY_

Brisk winds. Cold air.

Doesn't seem like summer is on the way at all, or it's just Ben, mood as sour as the grey clouds hanging above.

He hasn't been up this early in ages, and mirrored to last year, he was a lot more excited for the prospect of a holiday than he is right now. Granted, it might be because he got very little sleep thinking about Callum, mostly worrying about how much this is going to affect them, but it doesn't stop how fatigued he feels.

The week hasn't even begun and he already wants it to be over.

Ben downs a coffee quicker than he probably should, making sure he's packed his toothbrush before zipping up his bag. Callum didn't text him all Sunday, and he expects Callum not to turn up at all after their phone call Saturday night.

What a mess. It's his own fault.

Peter arrives at his house first, and even though he seems chipper, seeing Ben and his sour mood is enough to put anyone down. Nevertheless, they get to work on packing some tools, sharing the weight between their cars so they can do any fixes at the event if need be. They won't be able to save anything that goes terribly wrong until they get back home.

Ben's thankful he doesn't ask about why he's so gloomy, but Jay being Jay, turning up thirty minutes later with Lola and Lexi, asks.

Ben just says he's tired, brushing him off and saying he needs to pick up something in the house. Jay doesn't buy it, but he has an inkling it's to do with Callum, considering every time they've done this, Ben can't wait for sun, sea, cars and endless roads.

Jay keeps an eye on him, especially when he walks back out the house to greet Kathy, arriving in her own little car.

He can't hear what they're talking about, but Ben looks out of bounds, uncomfortable, laughing instead of replying as Kathy asks where _his man_ is.

Lola shares a glance with him, and as Ben tries to busy himself with tasks he would've done by now, the high pitched noise of an exotic pulls up on the driveway.

Callum.

Pip has her head out the window, ears up, looking around at all the different people as Callum places the car in park. He doesn't seem in a hurry to get out, and as Jay and Lola keep observing, they notice Ben's subtle hesitation.

Ben lingers on Callum, clears his throat, not moving as Callum steps out, shuts his door and makes his way over to stand on the other side of Ben's car.

He looks good, probably too good for 6AM. Callum's wearing jeans that hug him, white sweater, clean shoes. His hair isn't too gelled either, a little loose. Ben has to slap himself out of it, or the cold breeze does.

"Didn't think you'd show," Ben doesn't dare to step any closer, hands in his pockets as Callum refuses to look.

"I'm not doing this for you," Callum smiles at Kathy who waves at him from across the driveway. It doesn't match the way he's speaking to Ben. "I'm doing it for Lexi."

And that's even worse, because Lexi's already said how much Callum makes Ben happy, how much it reminds her of Jay and Lola in her small understanding of what love is.

"Charming."

"Yeah, being asked to be your boyfriend for the sake of lying to your Mum isn't exactly class either, is it?" Now, he does turn to Ben, clear irritation in the way he's holding his jaw, a shadow in his cheeks. "At least I can own up to it."

Ben blanks, "You're gonna' tell her?"

"No, it's not my place to. But if she asks, I'm not going to cover for you. I'm not lying to her just because you are, I don't owe you any favours." Callum starts walking back to his car, oblivious to the way Ben looks back at him.

"Technically, you're still paying off that car."

Callum stops, waits a second before partially turning towards him.

"And you're lying to yourself," he watches Ben's face shift, defensive, frowning. "Don't use the car as an excuse to mess with my head."

Ben feels as if Callum's pulled his voice box out, because if anyone can see through him, over that wall without even trying, it's Callum.

Not that he'll admit it, of course. He scoffs at him, trying to push away the very real analysis Callum just did, because it's not true if Ben can easily ignore it. It won't go away, but that doesn't mean he'll let it bother him.

Another small, pinching pain bottled up amongst many others on the shelf.

Ben gives it a few seconds, allows everyone to say their morning greetings, Lexi running to Pip and giving her some attention before they all retreat back to their own cars.

"Let's move!" Shouts Ben, rallying up the group.

Ben leads out of his driveway, Jay following behind with Lola and Lexi, then Kathy, Peter and Callum following respectively.

The sounds of cars echo along the road, metallic and sharp, and as soon as they hit the motorway, the engines open up.

Their holiday is hours away.

\- - -

Callum has a lot to think about on his way there. Mostly about Ben, obviously, but he starts thinking about himself too. 

He's come a long way from shy, hidden and doing things to make the days go by. It feels as if he has a lot more to lose now and at the same time, he has a lot more to live for, smiles and happiness, something to look forward to.

But there's something he doesn't have. Well, he does, but every time he feels it's finally over, that the silly games and deals are all done, it slips through his fingers. It's rough, like sandpaper against his skin every single time, every single time he goes back like somehow it'll be different.

Even as Ben drives alongside him, he doesn't dare look, knowing that if he does, Ben will either be smiling his way, or smirking like he has something to prove.

So Callum keeps to the back, even when Ben slows down significantly to see him, Callum turns his music up a little louder and keeps his eyes on the road.

This is going to be a long, _long_ week.

Soon, the clouds open up, sun shining down to the point where Callum has to put on some sunglasses, smiling out the window as he waits to see the ocean, Pip enjoying the very typical dog thing to do; sticking her head out the window, tongue following behind.

With everyone else ahead of him, Callum goes at a steady pace, music comfortable in the background, a soft summer anthem that gets the adrenaline going. They have an hour or two before they reach the area, but Ben decided to take them on a more scenic route.

A valley, steep cliffs tall at each side of the road starting to shrink, and they _shrink and shrink_ until the ocean comes into view, stretching far across the horizon, seagulls startled by the cars going past. 

It's beautiful, otherworldly almost. Callum can't even remember the last time he touched sand without the fear of it. Maybe this week he'll have good memories instead of bad, to feel more than free — to feel _himself._

An hour later, moving slowly through seaside towns and stopping at an ice cream shop to get refreshments, they head the small, remaining distance to the hotel. 

On the way, flags are raised, banners and buntings, exotic cars and modified old classics are just about everywhere. The words _RUSH_ are drawn, painted every which way on banners to signal the event is starting tomorrow, and Callum gets a small buzz thinking about it.

They all park up next to each other when they arrive at the hotel, right on the beachfront, and Callum wonders just how much money Ben has.

As he steps out, Ben is already looking towards him, smiling, and Callum naturally smiles back. It's only when Kathy comes into view that he looks away, letting Pip out of the car. Thank the heavens they stopped halfway down at a service station to allow Pip to let off some steam.

"I'll sign everyone in, go get our wristbands and then what about dinner all together at a restaurant?" Ben says, mostly to Kathy as the group all walk together inside, Lexi waving up at Callum, sunflower glasses on her face.

Callum laughs at her, giving her a high five in return when she asks for one, Pip walking between them.

The hotel looks just as expensive on the inside as the outside. White walls, open space, windows letting natural light in — it's gorgeous. 

"Sounds good to me, how about everyone else?" replies Kathy.

The group all answer enthusiastically, even Callum. Ben eyes him, worried, but Callum isn't going to let one lie ruin an entire break for him. He'll pretend as much as he needs to when he feels like it.

"Alright, I'll go get our room keys," Ben winks Callum's way, and — _oh shit._

_Oh, fuck._

He didn't even think about that, that they could be sharing a room. 

Who else would've shared with Callum? Not Ben's mother, not Peter, not Jay since he'll be with Lola. But then what about Lexi? She can't go on her own, so then Lola would be with her—

_Fuck. I can't do this._

Callum spends so much time worrying about it, he doesn't realise that everyone has already left the lobby, suitcases behind them — even his own dog.

 _"Hey,_ sunshine," Ben taps his chest, and Callum blinks out of it. "Looks like you've seen a ghost."

Ben regrets knocking him out of it, because now Callum is slowly starting to frown.

"I never agreed to this," he says, sighing. "I want a room on my own."

"It's a bit late for that, ain't it? You should've said. Every room is booked out because of the festival." Ben gestures to the lobby, different faces and personalities everywhere, even though it's quiet.

"Ben—"

 _"Relax,_ it's just a week. We have seperate beds, anyway."

"Oh, because that makes all the difference, don't it?" Callum pulls his suitcase behind him, "And where's Pip?"

"She's with Lexi. Their room is pet friendly, ours isn't," he taps the button to call the elevator, the red carpet of the lobby rather lush. "Well, I thought I labelled ours as pet friendly, but they must have mixed up the booking."

Callum glares at him.

Ben feels the weight of it, turns and clicks his tongue, "Stop being a baby, would you? Be glad we actually got one."

When the elevator doors open, Ben and Callum step through, Ben double checking the room key and their floor. Callum watches him press _Floor 50 —_ that's almost the top floor.

The silence between them almost becomes uncomfortable, constricting until the doors _ding_ open. And again, the hallways are wide, enough for four people shoulder to shoulder, and Ben waves down the hall just as he spots Peter and Jay stepping into a room. It only solidifies that he's stuck in a room with Ben for more than one night.

Callum has never stayed the night, and now he has to.

"You go make yourself at home," Ben shoves the keycards to Callum's chest, "I'm gonna' see what Lexi thinks of the view. We haven't been to this hotel before."

Almost dropping the cards, Callum follows him until he disappears into a room about seven doors down. Shaking his head, he might as well bite the bullet before he makes it even worse for himself. There's no point overthinking something that's already happening.

The door clicks with a metallic song, and Callum pushes it with his elbow, pulling Ben's suitcase along with his. 

It's spacious, enough width in the hallway to spread his arms wide, and there's a lot of light coming through the windows, sunshine warm on his back.

He leaves them near what he presumes to be the bathroom door, mahogany wood, and Callum turns to the view.

_Holy shit._

Ceiling to floor windows, the ocean a deep blue, sunshine beaming and curving over the furniture. The bed is neatly made, white, almost ghostly silk sheets, a TV hanging on the wall that's bigger than the one at home. There's even a _balcony._

Callum feels very, _very_ out of place, but it does give him the most childish, gleaming smile to know that this room is _his_ for a week.

Well, his and Ben's — and wait. There's no connecting door, no fold out, no hinges on the pristine, pastel blue walls to show another bed that folds out.

There's only one bed, and Callum doesn't feel so great about this room anymore.

He turns around, about to head down to the desk himself and ask what's happening, but Ben is walking through the door, smiling obliviously.

"You don't look too happy still," he says, almost laughing until Ben looks at the room himself. "Oh, that'd be why."

Callum scoffs, about to pass him, but Ben stops him with a hand to his chest, "I had no part in this."

"This room is booked under _your_ name, not mine," Callum steps back, regardless of how much he wants to storm out and beg reception for another room. "I don't want this."

"Relax—"

"If you say that one more time, I swear, Ben," he's pointing at him now, and for a moment, Ben looks a little hurt. "What's going on?"

"The man at the desk said there was a mix up. We got someone else's room, I said I was fine with it," Ben shrugs. "Don't know."

"I can't believe you," Callum turns around, head in his hands. "It's always you. _Always_ you."

"It's just seven nights in a hotel," Ben drops his bags, trying to ignore how horrid and broken those whispered words are from Callum. "Not like we haven't been in one before."

"This is different," Callum points between them. "You want us to be different this week, not me."

"She's not gonna' be here, Callum. Not in this room," Ben sits down on the edge of the bed, and wow it doesn't feel comfy at all right now. "Hate me all you want here, give me a smile and a kiss out there."

Alright. That doesn't make it sound so bad.

But still, Callum doesn't like how one sided all of this is. If this is going to be his world for seven whole days, then he's going to make some rules.

"I'll take the window side," Callum tries so hard not to look at Ben, but the small smile on Ben's lips is starting to make him feel warm.

"Sure."

_Is that it?_

Callum clears his throat, looking out to the view and wonders how peaceful, how romantic this would be if he was in any other situation than with a fake boyfriend.

God. That sounds awful in his head.

"If I meet someone, you're sleeping in your car," and for once, Callum shocks himself.

Ben frowns, "Excuse me?"

"What? You said it yourself. She won't be in here, and as far as I know, we aren't exclusive."

"I haven't—" Ben stops himself, clicking his tongue with a grunt when Callum questions him with a shoulder shrug. "Whatever. Fine."

With a huff, Ben stands up, pulling his case to his side of the bed.

"We're meeting in the lobby in five. Be there for me, won't you, _boyfriend?"_ Ben places his hand against Callum's chest again, playful tone in his voice. Even Callum's blank, irritated stare doesn't falter him.

"Wouldn't miss it," replies Callum, forcing a smile on his lips that doesn't match the attitude in which he speaks.

As Ben leaves, Callum tips his head back. 

_Shit._

What even made him say that? That's not Callum, at all. But what _does_ interest him is what Ben was going to say, the way he couldn't look at Callum, scared to admit it.

Whatever it was, Callum may never know.

But what he _does_ know, is that he's going to be the most dedicated fake boyfriend he can be, knock Ben off his feet. Two can play at this game.

This is his chance to prove it. So he's going to, but he can't be _too_ obvious about how his _fake feelings_ for Ben aren't that fake at all.

In fact, they're starting to become more than just a maybe.

_\- - -_

"So," Kathy starts, taking her glass of wine as she looks over to Ben and Callum. "How did you two meet?"

Callum has his arm sitting on the back of Ben's chair, waiting for their food to arrive. Ben's trying to ignore how much he wants to lean into him.

"Thought Lola would've told you all this?" replies Ben.

Lola simply shrugs, completely relaxed in the rather simplistic yet extravagant restaurant. 

"Not that part," she says, smiling at Ben when he turns to her. "I just mentioned how lovely he is."

Lexi sits beside her, already colouring in what looks to be seashells. Callum is smiling at her, remembering that one time he helped her in that small pancake diner. When she looks up, Lexi smiles at him, and Callum gives a smile back.

"He stole my car," Callum says, casually, as if that whole first night wasn't as hectic as those choice of words make it sound. "That's how we met."

Ben almost chokes on his drink.

One point to Callum.

 _"Ben?"_ Kathy's not impressed. In fact, she looks two seconds away from grounding him.

 _"That's_ in the past," Ben says, hurried. He gives Callum's leg a kick under the table, but Callum just has this amused smile when he looks and it's enough to make Ben smile in return. At least he's playing along.

"But you — why did you do that?"

"Can we not do this now?" Ben nods his head towards Lexi, and Callum is almost thankful when the food turns up, all of them saying thanks when the waiter places down their food.

"Alright, next time," Kathy points her fork towards Ben. "You and me need to talk."

Callum removes his arm from Ben's back, and for a moment, there's a cold spot. The ocean breeze is always so cold at night and Ben hates it, always used to find someone to block it but there's no need to reach into an app anymore.

He only hears the cutlery against the plate for a mere moment, thinking nothing of it, but then he feels fabric fall onto his shoulders, goosebumps blooming over his skin from where it touches. _Fuck._ Callum's giving him his jacket.

That's not all, because as Callum goes back to his seat again, Callum places a small, soft kiss to the side of his head.

Ben feels the tension in his arms fade to nothing, his expression falling to longing as Callum turns away to focus on his meal. Lola shakes her head.

She knows what they're doing, that it's Ben that suggested it.

"I thought Callum and Daddy were just friends?" 

The table goes silent. Peter and Jay just continue eating.

Ben reaches his hand forward to bop his fingertip on the end of her nose, "We're really good friends."

"Like Mom and Jay?" Lexi beams, and Kathy watches the exchange closely.

"I guess you could say that," Ben replies, and he's thankful his voice didn't break, or stutter — _anything_ that could've given them away.

The only person he can't fool is himself, a sandpaper like feeling against his chest as he sits back, Callum beside him not saying a word.

Ben turns a little, looking over Callum's face. There's pain in his eyes because Callum is lying to Lexi, the one person he didn't want to lie to.

Callum doesn't say anything, eating as the conversation picks up a minute or so later when Peter comments on how good the food is.

This is going to be a long week.

\- - -

They all part ways in the lobby when they get back. Callum is pleasantly buzzed from the alcohol, and Ben is five seconds away from falling asleep.

Kathy didn't suspect a thing, or at least, Ben hopes she didn't. Callum played a relatively good boyfriend the whole night, keeping close, little touches of endearment, offering his jacket.

Ben almost wanted it to be real, even if just for a moment.

As they walk to the elevator, Callum's arm around Ben's shoulders, they laugh about Kathy.

"I can't believe you said that," Ben sniffs, pressing the button for their floor. Callum takes his arm back when the elevator arrives, Ben mourns the warmth and weight of it.

"That you stole my car?" Callum laughs, stepping into the elevator first and leaning back against one of the walls. Ben steps in after, smiling to himself.

The silence gives them time, and as the elevator starts moving, Callum chances a glance at Ben, Ben looking at the floor, hands in his pockets.

He'd ask what's wrong, but Callum starts to feel it, the twisting in his stomach, the dread of what's to come.

They'll be sleeping in the same bed together, and even though they're adults, the weight of what this means considering what they've already told themselves is disastrous.

Ben is desperate for company, for comfort. And Callum — he's looking for his first real love, finding it in a guy that doesn't want to hold his hand in public without wearing a shirt that says _we're not actually together._

As their door room clicks open with the same song, Callum follows in after, the silence so heavy and draining that he feels a headache brewing.

"Bathroom first or me?" asks Ben, collapsing onto the bed.

"I'll — go first."

Ben turns to his head to look at him, face blank.

"Alright."

Considering they've had sex more than once, they're awfully shy at the thought of just being in the same room. But it's the first time they've ever done this.

_Staying._

Ben will fall asleep with Callum by his side and wake up with him still there. It's horrid, to think that what he's wanted is mere moments from happening.

Callum emerges from the bathroom minutes later, Ben having listened to what small sounds his ears can pick up. He's so lost thinking about Callum that it's starting to annoy Ben more than he'd like to admit.

The larger windows allow a lot of moonlight, and the pleasant, almost soothing orange of the morning is now cold, icy. It feels awfully like they're trapped until they eventually knock heads.

"All yours," Callum says, pulling a night shirt over his head. Ben catches a glimpse of him before getting up.

He hears Callum settle into bed just as he walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Even splashing cold water to his face doesn't seem to stop the nerves, but why does he even feel nervous to begin with?

Maybe he's afraid of himself, knowing his heart will move him into Callum's arms, to sink into total bliss and just _hold_ him. Perhaps it'll make him see how much he actually likes Callum. He'd have to leave him then, wouldn't he? 

Callum deserves more. Not a barely functional heartbreak.

Nightly routine done, Ben walks out to the room even darker, Callum's frame under the sheets and facing away from Ben towards the window. Maybe it's best if they pretend even more than they are outside this room.

Ben is halfway to the bed when Callum speaks up.

"Your mum bought it."

Pain spikes in Ben's chest, hand moving up to his left ear. He needs to take his hearing aid out before he sleeps, but he doesn't want to miss a word Callum is saying.

"She did."

Callum takes a breath, "That's good then."

Ben pulls back the duvet to climb in, sighing when his head hits the pillow. And he waits, waits and waits for Callum to say something, but for what feels like hours, there's only silence.

He turns his head, staring at Callum's back, wanting to reach out and hold him, to not feel so cold tonight.

He can't.

That's outside this room, not here. 

\- - -

_FIRST DAY, TUESDAY_

Ben wakes up to an empty pocket of air next to him. From where his head sits as he opens his eyes, his subconscious tried hard to get as close to Callum as possible.

He's resting on the edge of his own pillow, nose on Callum's, and his hand in the empty space where Callum once was. There's no note on the side of the table, so he's either gone to get breakfast, or just — left.

Ben sits up, rubbing at his eyes, reaching for his glasses that he placed in the bedside cabinet last night. The sun is already shining, warming the room, and the event starts in just about two hours.

He's just getting out of bed when Callum clicks the door open, walking in with a sweat drenched shirt, one headphone in and the other swinging against his chest. 

The way Callum's expression shifts from blank, to a little surprised, to a frown — he knows the question Callum wants to ask before he even says it.

"You — wear glasses?"

Ben tilts his head, "And you go jogging at 7AM?"

Callum scratches at the back of his neck, watching how Ben's eyes drop, taking him in.

"Sometimes. Army habit," he walks past Ben to get out of that stare, shoulders brushing, and _god — Callum's so warm._

Ben hums in reply, frozen to the spot as he watches Callum search for fresh clothes. He tosses his phone onto the bed, and the music's loud enough for Ben to catch a few words.

"Guess you want the shower first then?" Ben asks, turning to lean against the large mirror.

"If you don't mind? I didn't think you'd be awake by the time I was back," Callum reaches for his phone again, switching it off. He seems frantic. 

To be honest, right now, it seems they're better at pretending to be something they're not then what they really are.

It feels as if they're strangers again. Maybe they've fooled themselves already.

"Ever charming, aren't we?" he flashes a smile his way when Callum turns back. Callum scoffs, turning away, but Ben's not finished. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a brilliant romantic, callin' me lazy."

Callum seems to ignore him, but it's not until they're standing near each other does he smile, and Ben is taken back by it.

"And what would you know about that? We're not datin', are we?" He lets those words linger, Ben having to look away first, and only then does Callum head into the bathroom.

He thumps his head against the wall. _Fuck you, Callum._

\- - -

"Where's your other half?" Kathy asks, melting ice cream in her hand, Lexi eating her own as Ben holds her free hand.

"Said he had to call a friend back home, he should be here soon," Ben smiles easily, and Kathy pinches his cheek. 

"It's good to see you've found someone, Ben," and suddenly, Ben wants to disappear. She's going to say it and already hates it. "He brings out the good in you."

_There it is. I know. I know that already._

"Yes, _yes —_ no need to get all soft. It's barely been weeks, we'll see," Ben gives some change over for his own ice cream as the van's engine grumbles, almost struggling.

They're in the main square, a few parked cars here and there, all with decals that advertise the event. Ben's in his element here, a more friendly version of it at least and not under the cover of night.

Speakers dotted around announce the first race starting in ten minutes, and even though Ben nor Callum can participate in this one, they're still hoping to watch it.

It's all for a good cause, good fun, and it's not everyday you see ten classic cars lined up with those thick, colourful racing stripes and bold numbers stuck to the side.

"Considering your men usually don't even make it to the morning sometimes," Ben cringes, "surely this is a good sign? Invitin' him on holiday?"

"It's called testing him with the family," lies Ben, saying thanks as he's passed his ice cream through the window.

Peter, Jay and Lola have already found a spot near the track, having bagged a picnic bench early.

"So it _is_ serious," Kathy smiles his way, and Ben rolls his eyes. "I can't believe it."

"I don't even know his last name, Mum," Ben takes a bite out of his ice cream, "We're hardly close."

Kathy doesn't say anything, just watches as Callum comes into view over Ben's shoulder, running up to Ben and slowly sinking his arms around him, fingertips on his stomach.

"Where's mine?" Callum asks, nodding towards Ben's ice cream, noticing how tense Ben's become in his hold.

He tells himself to relax, turning his head, gazing at Callum's lips for just a second, "Left it in the van, sorry."

Callum clicks his tongue, and Ben thinks he's shoved him away, stopped the drama performance he's putting on, but Callum's turning his head, kissing him softly on the lips.

_Fuck._

And Ben's left to reach for his jaw, thumb scratching over the slight stubble. He's left a little dazed when Callum breaks away.

"Vanilla?" Callum asks.

Ben doesn't reply, eyes still closed and his thoughts whispering _kiss me again, please._

"Sorry for the delay," says Callum to the group, stepping back, hands lingering on Ben's waist before coming to stand beside him.

Kathy has since moved on, Lexi and herself joining the others at the table.

"What was that?" Ben whispers when he's finally back on Earth.

Callum frowns, "What?"

"That kiss," Ben laughs, taking another bite of his ice cream. Callum's lips were so warm compared to this. "You didn't have to go that far."

"I did," Callum gestures to his heart, "That was for me."

At first, he doesn't understand, but Ben knows Callum is a man true to his word unless _someone_ tells him to lie — and then he becomes true to that lie.

"My first kiss as an open gay man, out _here,_ you know?" Callum has this shine in his eyes, almost as if he's close to crying, but Ben understands. He does.

Ben doesn't know what to reply, so he doesn't. Instead, he watches Callum and Pip walk towards the table, everyone greeting him as he pulls his sunglasses down from his head.

When the race starts, Callum finds himself interested, but there's parts of his conscious left over to soothe Ben, hand to the back of his neck, elbow leaning on the fence.

Ben is focused on the race for a matter of minutes before the warm tingle down his spine starts to become distracting. Callum doesn't have any idea, doing it because he needs to make them believable — but why even do that? What's the benefit to him except a false reality of what he wants?

Callum, upon thinking this, stops moving his fingers over the short hairs of his neck, returning his hand to the table and pretends he's in need of a drink.

And just like that, Ben's reminded of why it's important not to fall for Callum. He's so easy to be around, to slip into comfort and appreciate seconds rather than looking forward to the next day before it's barely twelve.

The race finishes six minutes later, a rather jolly man claiming victory. Ben laughs at his awful speech, Callum and Kathy engaged in conversation.

They agree to do some sort of beach picnic towards the end of the holiday. Ben talked about him being a chef at a top restaurant, and there was no escaping it when Kathy asked about him upon leaving the hotel this morning.

In fact, Callum's looking forward to it. Good food, company, the sun setting and the crackle of a fire — what's not to love?

\- - -

Hours pass as normal. Callum keeps near Ben, little touches here and there, nothing monumental, but considering Ben blanks at almost every one like he doesn't expect it, he's doing a terrible job at making it believable.

Callum either has no idea, or he's doing it on purpose. Ben will never know that it's the first option.

When the sun falls beyond the horizon, Ben asks the lads on a night out. Nothing too harsh, but enough for Ben to hopefully ignore the quaking feeling of emptiness in his chest.

Kathy, Lola and Lexi retire back to the hotel, and Jay and Peter tag along with Callum in joining Ben to some rather tricked out beach bar slash club.

Callum didn't want to agree, but it'd look odd if Ben's boyfriend doesn't say yes to a very apparent part of Ben's lifestyle. Besides that, he wants to go either way, knowing that a little bit of alcohol might help the nerves of facing yet another night by Ben's side.

Not to mention, he has his first race tomorrow. The schedule says about 3 in the afternoon.

Still, as the four walk in, the lights, noise and overall atmosphere tips his stomach. Callum should've said no, got an early night, but Ben's got a grin on his face, taking his hand and pulling him towards the bar.

With the other two out of earshot, Ben leans up to talk, Callum just about hearing him over the music.

With Ben's voice so close, breath falling across his cheek, it runs hot down his spine, making Callum blush.

 _"I don't fancy sleeping in the car tonight,"_ he says, and Callum sighs at remembering back to what he said. _"So please don't pull?"_

Callum lifts their joined hands, _"You ain't making it easy with this."_

Ben's smile is slow, but it's contagious. 

_"Can't have you going for any guy, can we? Not that you'd do any better than me, but you're my mate —"_ Ben pauses, not sure if he should've said that. Either way, he continues, falling back into his usual demeanour as if he never stumbled. _"Gotta' help you get some sort of stunner. Otherwise, what are friends for?"_

_"Movie nights? Trust? Having a good ear to listen to?"_

Ben laughs at the irony, _"You're disgustingly poetic."_

Callum smiles, leaning over onto the bar just as the bartender comes over, _"Maybe that's what you like about me."_

Either Ben's mind is tricking him or Callum's voice is an octave lower. Wind knocks at Ben's chest, smile faltering until he has the thought to keep it alive. 

_"Watch your mouth, sunshine,"_ Ben nudges his side, nods and eyes up the barman before he can finish the rest of his sentence. _"Who said anything about liking you?"_

Callum shakes his head at him, biting his bottom lip as he looks towards the back wall, bottles of branded liquor suddenly becoming less interesting, less of a thought on Callum's mind when there's something — _someone_ beside him already.

Trying to figure him out is a headache in itself.

Callum orders whatever Ben does, and the pair raise their glasses, eyes locked.

They don't know what they're toasting for, but they both do, almost daring each other to declare what this joint mini celebration is for. Ben still has his eyes on Callum when he necks the drink. Callum does the same to Ben, eyes on him over the rim of the glass, but his expression shifts like he's eaten a sour sweet as he turns away.

Ben keeps looking, still does when Callum looks back.

_To false promises—_

_To false truths—_

Callum orders another.

\- - -

The buzz is well and truly settled in his bones. Ben's reached the point of delicate haze but easy, loose lips. Callum isn't far behind, but he's more a sensible man than Ben will ever be.

Although, Jay hasn't had much at all, barely having finished his second bottle and yet has the mindset to try and school Ben in _relationship guidance._

"Just a bit of fun, Jay," Ben wipes his hand across his lips, leg moving up and down with slight irritation. The booth they've found is quiet.

"You're messing with him," he replies, looking back to where Callum is hunched over the bar. "It's not good for you either."

"I don't know what you're on about," Ben reaches for his bottle, pulling his hand away when Jay tries to stop him. "Stop it, would you? We both agreed to this."

 _"Did he?"_ counters Jay, looking between them again, "Because you seem more into it then he does. Who are you even trying to fool?"

Ben turns away, leg shaking a few more times before he stands up, arms through his jacket sleeves and adjusting it on his shoulders, "I'm fine."

He should've said _we're fine,_ but Jay's words keep echoing as he approaches the bar, Callum's stance void of energy. Even as he stands next to him, Callum is staring ahead, an empty expression with the lip of the bottle settled on his bottom lip.

_"Callum?"_

Blinking, Callum inhales as he steps back, turning to Ben, _"Yeah? Sorry."_ The music is loud again.

 _"I'm headin' back,"_ Ben tilts his head towards the door. _"You... comin' with?"_

 _"What about… Peter and Jay?"_ He's slurring a little, obviously tired, but if it's from the alcohol or the noise in his head, Ben can't tell.

 _"They're staying for a bit, come on,"_ Ben has the thought to reach for his hand, and he goes to, but remembers they don't need to do that. He tries to hide it by putting Callum's glass further back so he doesn't knock it, but the general movement is awkward.

Callum doesn't notice either way, rubbing the side of his face and following at Ben's side.

Ben stops when they step outside, turning to see Callum staring out to sea. He takes a step as if he's going to head across the road towards the beach but decides against it. He still watches on as he reaches Ben.

"You wanna' walk on the beach?"

"Yeah," he says, quiet, to himself. "Haven't touched sand since… well. Yeah." Callum sounds so ridiculously small and it pains Ben.

Ben never thought that would be a thing, but Callum must feel it's some sort of trigger now that they're actually here.

"We can go, maybe the night after the beach picnic with everyone?"

Callum smiles, sniffs, "That'd be nice."

Ben smiles back, lips tight together. It would be nice, to switch off and enjoy company to a scene that doesn't appear as often. In theory, it might do _them_ good, to talk and speak freely and only have the ocean as a witness. No walls, no doors to slam on their way out, just them and whatever they choose to say.

Right now, they're choosing to say nothing, walking back to the hotel with a weird, unsettling atmosphere. They both feel as if they should say something, but the breeze is so cold at night that Callum focuses more on hunching his shoulders together more than figuring out how to clear the air.

On the other hand, Ben feels agitated, restless compared to Callum. There's so much he wants to say, between what Jay thought about their little arrangement, to wanting to know what Callum thinks of all this.

Yes, he already knows they both hate this, but judging between Callum's smiles and how he really feels doesn't help when even the painful smiles seem fine. Perhaps he hasn't seen Callum truly hurt yet, to smile yet not smile at all.

Even the elevator, Ben's starting to hate it, mere steps away from Callum and yet they feel miles apart.

He steps out first, swipes the card to their room and opens the door for Callum. 

It takes two seconds, but as soon as the door shuts, Ben's in front of him, stationary. The way Ben looks at him stirs warmth in his belly, and for a moment, he thinks about leaning forward just to feel numb for a while.

Callum looks nuetral until he frowns, pushing against Ben's chest to give himself room.

"I can't, Ben," whispers Callum, hand remaining on his chest until he has the thought to take it away. Callum knows what he wants and he can't do it, not when he's spent all day pretending.

"No?"

"No, I can't," Callum turns back to him, "It's easier for you then it is for me."

Ben bites his tongue, about to argue, but the way Callum turns away, hands against his face, the will to fight dwindles. There's one answer.

"Bathroom first for me, then," and he waits for a reply, but Callum just heads for the balcony, not caring. 

He hovers by the door, watching as Callum leans his elbows on the metal of the balcony rail, head between his shoulders. Callum thinks he's out of range, and his very, already weak facade crumbles even more.

Ben feels a very sharp pain in his chest, even more so when Callum places his head in one of his hands, restless as he keeps shaking his head.

Another answer, maybe. Perhaps he's just hungover already.

\- - -

Settling into bed after Ben, Callum tries to ignore that Ben is laying towards his side, eyes on him as he pulls the duvet back. Callum doesn't meet his eyes, laying on his back, not really having the heart to fully turn his back to him.

"Scared of kissin' me now?" Ben asks, and immediately regrets it.

"Go to sleep."

Ben grumbles, pushing his head into the pillow. The pocket of air between them is awfully magnetic for some reason.

"Excited for tomorrow?" Ben tries again, trying to get some form of Callum's cheerful side back, the side he knew before he slept with him.

And nothing.

At least, it's not the thing he wanted.

"Nervous mostly," Callum grabs for his phone, checking his messages.

It's Ben, of course he's going to look.

"How's Whitney?" Maybe something topical, close to Callum's heart will bring him out of his shell.

"She's going on a date at the weekend," and those words sting, especially to Callum. "Wanted to thank me for helping her pick a dress."

"Fashion guru now, are we?" Ben jokes, a small chuckle in his words, but it falls flat in the silence.

"Just… helping a friend," Callum's distant now, even more so as he continues, "She's happy."

In other words, how he says it, Callum _isn't_ happy.

Weight falls on Ben, metaphorical. It almost feels childish to turn around, back facing Callum, talking while he does to brush it off as simply getting ready to sleep, disinterest in Callum's friends.

But then why would Ben ask? _You idiot._

"We'll see if that stays," mumbles Ben, hating his reflection in the mirror again. "Whitney's been through more heartbreak than anyone I know."

"Thanks."

"Not you, Callum," and his lips part to continue, but it's not his place to say it.

_She was lucky to have you, only if for a while, and not entirely real._

At that, Callum turns his head towards him, one arm behind his head, the other poking at Ben's back.

"There's a but in that," says Callum, Ben speaking those words as if he had something else to say.

"Yeah there is, if you move your hand lower."

Callum cringes, nudging him again, and he must hit a certain spot because Ben flinches, looking over his shoulder to him.

Realisation dawns on Callum's face, squinting, readjusting his head on the pillow, fingertips sitting below Ben's shoulder blade.

"You're ticklish?"

Ben waits, probably savouring the contact as he leans into him again, turning back away from him, _"No —_ and _no_ you can't see for yourself. Go to sleep, kermit."

"Where'd sunshine go?" Callum jokes, and he can't see it, but Ben's smiling. He's picked up on the nickname, then.

"You're pissing me off."

"Oh, _I'm_ pissing _you_ off? You've been doing it for weeks," he laughs, only for a few seconds, but it sends a flutter through Ben. 

_Finally._ He's missed that laugh.

Ben would ask why, but they both know the answer, so he leaves it.

Silence settles after, seconds to minutes, and Ben's wide awake. Callum should be asleep by now if the alcohol works as it usually does with someone not accustomed to it, so Ben takes the leap.

"Was that really for you?"

Callum hums behind him, not really up to answering, but he's listening. _Shit._

Ben hates sounding so vulnerable, as if he's asking what Callum did was real when it's not meant to be in the first place.

"That kiss," it's mumbled into his pillow. He's talking about the kiss from this morning.

Ben looks over his shoulder after he gains no response to see the slow rise and fall of Callum's chest.

 _"Callum?"_ Ben tries again, closing his eyes before he settles his head on the pillow once more, staring at the mirror on the wall that reflects a shadowed expression of his face.

_What am I doing?_

\- - -

_SECOND DAY, WEDNESDAY_

_"What?_ You think you can just breeze the win? You gotta' risk it all, Callum — _all_ good things never come easy," Ben taps the bonnet, metallic thud echoing. "This is your time to shine, _sunshine."_

"Yeah, but—" stammers Callum, looking out to the line of other racers, feeling awfully overwhelmed. "I haven't been in one like this."

"First times are always rough," Ben winks, and Callum closes his eyes.

 _"Ben,_ that's not funny," he grips the wheel tighter. "Please — just give me some advice?"

"Uh," Ben taps his fingers against the inside of the door, leaning through the window. "Eyes on the road? Watch your mirrors?"

Callum could throttle him, "Brilliant, thank you."

Ben pats his chest, lingering when he speaks.

"You got this, right? Trained by none other than _moi,_ so go make us proud," and another pat to make sure as Ben steps back, heading towards his own car, parked in the grid behind Callum.

To be honest, maybe his life is starting to become one big metaphor staring at the back of Callum's car. Ben always chasing and feeling as if he's winning, but in reality he's not.

Even as the crowd clear the track and the lights start to beep red one at a time, it feels like time slows and slows until the green light flashes, setting tyres spinning, smoke rising, and the noise of metal and horsepower moves outwards like a shockwave.

Callum's good, keeps his lines clean, and all the training seems to be paying off because Ben climbs with him up to third and fourth. In terms of expense, Callum has the third or fourth most expensive car in the race, and Ben is somewhere at seventh, but it amounts to nothing if the money you're sitting in doesn't have a good driver.

There's ten laps, one big straight for the finish line that tallies each new one, and Ben and Callum fight as a team instead of pushing for a solo win.

Four laps in, Callum creeps to second on the straight, Ben to third and towards the end of the race, Lexi waving Toffee in the air as Callum whips past with the exotic whine of his turbo, he reaches first.

Callum crosses the line with adrenaline in his veins, Ben following after in second, a smile on his face to match Callum's as they take a victory lap back to the start line. 

When the track comes to the secluded part, covered by buildings at the other side of town, Ben catches up, smiling through his window at Callum.

He mouths _told you_ and Callum laughs, shaking his head, picking up speed so Ben can't see the huge smile on his lips, tingles in his fingers.

It feels good. Callum understands the rush of it now, and he can't help but feel shy as the confetti goes off, his name over the speakers as he parks up and steps out to a cheering crowd.

And that's when Ben hears it for the first time.

 _"And for the A Tier race, Callum Highway takes the win!"_ speaks out through the speakers, and Ben can't look away as Callum picks up Lexi, swinging her around as the rest of Ben's family celebrate.

_Highway, huh?_

Little does he know, Kathy is looking at Ben, curious expression on her face.

Ben can't hear them, their conversation muffled by the crowd and engines, but he's in a state where he's comfortable looking on from the sidelines, allowing Callum to have his moment without it being overshadowed by _why_ he's here.

It's not peaceful for long. There's a sharp, sudden sting in his ear when a car rolls past revving, popping the exhaust at such a pressure it sends his hearing aid funny.

_Fuck._

White noise floods him, making Ben flinch away from the noise, eyes closed in defence, lungs pausing until he has the thought to take a breath.

He still doesn't hear anything or become aware of where he is until there's a hand on his arm, gentle, Callum's face in front of him when he dares to open his eyes.

_"Ben?"_

It's muffled, almost robotic, and Ben has to brush his hand away, embarrassed at how small he must look. 

"I'm fine," he covers his ear with his hand, looking around to see if anyone noticed and no one has except Callum.

Of course Callum would. _Of course._

 _"Are you alright?"_ Callum says, hand to Ben's face again despite Ben brushing it away before, thumb sitting just by his ear as the world slowly tunes back in.

"What?" says Ben.

"Are you alright?"

Ben pauses again, expression soft as Callum steps a little closer, eyes going towards his ear. He seems to think for a moment, turning to see Kathy looking.

"Come on," he says, taking Ben's hand. "Let's get you somewhere quiet."

The pain still rings in his ear, and he doesn't have the heart to joke in return about what Callum said, especially not when Callum's gripping his hand, fingers entwined as Ben looks down to the contact.

Kathy and the others walk with them, the cars being moved towards a winner's circle by event staff.

Ben feels like crying when Callum places a gentle hand over the offending ear, keeping him close, silent. If this is pretending, then Ben believes it — _wants_ it to be true.

_\- - -_

Throughout the rest of the day, Ben seems distant, twitchy, unsure about things but he's more clingy towards Callum now than he has the whole holiday. He always needs to be touching him, like physical support.

Even as they sit down at the restaurant again, he's touching his elbow to Callum's, smiling when Callum offers his jacket again.

It goes smooth, casual conversation, and Ben joins in here and there, a subtle fear of seeming weak starting to creep up on him. 

Callum glances at his ear when Ben is busy entertaining the idea of getting Lexi a small pedal car, spotting the small device in his ear.

Moving his focus to fall on the side of Ben's face, confusion settles. Callum's reminded of how much there is to Ben, how much he still doesn't know, how much they're still practically strangers.

Callum doesn't bring it back up until night falls and they're back at the hotel, Callum standing at the foot of the bed, Ben already on his side, laying facing the mirror.

"You never told me," Callum can't distinguish how pained he looks in the dark of the room. They don't even need to explain what they're talking about.

"Didn't need to," is all Ben replies.

He'd push, but from how Ben curls up, practically hugging his pillow, Callum decides against it.

Callum pulls the duvet back, settling in on his side.

"You didn't need to lie to me," Callum says, not getting anything back for a few seconds.

"Never lied about it. Just hid it," Ben sniffs, adjusting again. 

"Then you don't need to lie," Callum turns his head to him, fingertips brushing against the back of his neck, Callum seeing the tension in his back and the way he breathes out at the touch.

Callum has no idea how he makes Ben feel connected to the world.

"Aren't we one big lie anyway?" he says that with venom on his tongue, and Callum feels a little sick. "What's one more?"

Ben obviously regrets saying it, sighing, moving his head back a little as if to say _keep doing that —_ and Callum does, fingers moving through his hair until Ben falls asleep.

It's the first time Callum _doesn't_ get sleep.

_\- - -_

_THIRD DAY, THURSDAY_

"Thanks," Callum replies, smiling at the hotel staff member as he pays for his breakfast.

He's so tired. _So fucking tired —_ of _everything._ From Ben thinking they're a lie, to not getting any sleep _thinking_ about Ben. He wants to know what happened.

It's not his business, but it could be, and not being able to help Ben is like rot in Callum's heart, gnawing away at him from the inside.

"Butter up, sunshine," Ben smiles as Callum sits down opposite him at a table.

"Easy for you to say," grumbles Callum, rubbing his eyes. "Didn't get a wink of sleep."

For a moment, Ben's smile twitches, disappears before it's back again ever brighter. It's so forced.

"Did I snore or somethin'?"

Callum shakes his head, "No. Couldn't sleep, that's all."

"Ah well," Ben munches on his toast for a bit. "There's a gig today, festival more like, but there's gonna' be some music if you want to go?" 

"What makes you think that?" Callum idly pokes his fork against his food. He's not even that hungry. He's mourning something he's never even had.

"You're always running to music, and you always have it loud," Ben gestures to his ear. "Even I can hear it."

Callum pauses, looks to his ear, and Ben tilts his head so Callum's vision falls on his face again, "So? What's the decision?"

He shrugs, and Ben sighs, "I thought everyone listened to music while jogging."

 _"That's—"_ Ben groans, putting his toast down so he can gesture with both hands. "Look, it'll do us both good to get away from the racing today. We'll go to the arcade, take Lexi, and then she can head back to the hotel with Peter and he can count up the babysitting hours he owes us," Ben picks up his toast again, "Then you and me can sing our lungs out to some repetitive, classic pop songs, yeah?"

"What about your ear?"

Ben pauses, "It's fine. I'm looking forward to it."

Callum smiles a few seconds later, tilting his head like a curious puppy, "I feel this is more for you than me."

"And? You know I'm selfish," Ben crunches as he talks, and Callum clicks his tongue at him. "What?"

"Don't eat with your mouth full."

"You're as bad as my Mum."

\- - -

Lexi is beyond ecstatic to have a shoulder ride from Callum as they head to the arcade in town. It's a short, five minute walk from the hotel, and Lexi tells Callum all about Toffee and her adventures since the zoo, sitting her on Callum's head.

Ben really wishes he could remember this forever, especially the smiles on both of their faces.

And it hits him — _Callum would be a really good Dad._

"We're gonna' win _all_ of the prizes!" Lexi says, reaching her arms up, seagulls flying overhead as they search for stray chips.

"I'm not that good, Lexi," Callum laughs, hands by her ankles to keep her steady.

"Doesn't hurt to be optimistic," adds Ben, and Callum doesn't look back as he replies;

"Does it?"

Ben knows what he means by that.

They reach the arcade soon after, Lexi picking out all the trinket shops she wants to visit on the way back. It'd be nice to get some of those long, candy mint rocks for her classmates, and Callum would like to get some for his work colleagues.

And what Callum said about not being good at games? _Liar._

He wins practically most of them, and Ben becomes annoyed when Callum beats his high scores every time.

"It's alright, I win at other things," jokes Ben, and Callum puts his arm around his shoulders, leaning in to whisper.

 _"You keep tellin' yourself that."_ Callum taps the side of his head, memories very much alive to prove it's not all him.

Ben brushes it off, moving to the next game. He mostly uses it as cover to admire how good Callum looks when he's carefree, not pretending. His white, long sleeved shirt sits perfectly, blue jeans, fresh shoes. Honestly, Ben feels overdressed, red jacket, black jeans. He looks ready to party, not a simple outing, and even if the sun is out, the ocean breeze is cold enough to provide the need for a coat.

They have more tickets than they can carry by the time they call it quits, and Callum picks out the car plushie that looks similar to his own car, considering it's that or some funny string or cheap plastic toys.

Lexi cheers, handing in her own tickets to get a brand new set of pencils and felt tips, having split the winnings equally. Ben gets sweets with his instead.

"You really have a sweet tooth, don't you?" Callum says as they leave, the sun higher in the sky.

"Is that a problem?"

"Nah," he shrugs, smiles and pinches his cheek. "It's cute. Your scowl wouldn't give it away."

"Ah, shut your mouth," Ben grumbles as he pockets his sweets, eating another when he thinks Callum isn't looking.

A few shops visited on the way back, bags of goodies and souvenirs in hand, Peter takes Lexi back to the hotel and promises a movie binge with popcorn. They don't spend much time together so this is their chance.

Ben has already bought tickets for the festival, and surprisingly, Kathy and Lola meet them in the line to get in.

"What are _you_ doin' here?" Ben says, hoping it would've been just him and Callum.

"Uh, excuse me? I'm allowed time off too you big grump," Lola adjusts her sunglasses. "Peter and Jay said they wanted to watch the footy anyway."

Ben presses his lips together, ponders, then sighs.

"Fine."

"And if it weren't fine, you don't have a choice, son!" Kathy shows off the neon bracelets she bought earlier. "Even at my age, I can appreciate the _hip and cool_ stuff."

"Please don't say that again," cringes Ben, thankful for the way Callum laughs, hands on Ben's waist. It's time to pretend again.

But it gets easier when they walk in, managing to stand a few lines away from the stage, sun shining down on them as Callum smiles up towards the lights.

"You been to one before?" asks Ben as the crowd waits.

"Yeah, only small ones for my mates," Callum looks back down, smiles, squeezing his waist. "But not on this scale."

His hands. His hands don't make any of his easy. Ben feels so safe when Callum holds him like this.

Ben winks, "You'll be fine."

As the songs start up and mix together, the crowd sings along. It's a dance of lyrics and summer beats that make the crowd jump and cheer, singing the lyrics when a famous chorus pops up, Callum reaching his arms around Ben as they sway.

Callum is warm against his back, a weight he can't seem to get off his mind no matter how loud the music is. So, Ben sings along, ignoring the way his heart yearns as Callum's hands soothe over his stomach, thumb tapping over his shirt to the beat.

Before long, they're drunk on music, Ben leaning his head back on Callum's shoulder as the lyrics sink into their bodies, the rhythm dull of promise and summer days. Even as the sun retreats behind them, the warmth stays.

They announce the [last song](https://open.spotify.com/track/7mGJlNOAOmJ5ptkmujg1Gv?si=cfovZcdBRu-ApthvOH_GOw), Ben's hands becoming tight in Callum's, and for a moment, Callum wonders why.

Until the lyrics start, the gentle mellow tones turning somewhat slow, thought provoking, and Ben feels loose in his arms.

In some way, these lyrics fold perfectly into the shape of Ben's life, and as the crowd sing along he feels knocked off balance.

The lyrics talk of fixing, but it's more trying to fill in those missing pieces, giving hope to what's lost. Callum doesn't want to fix him, arms around him as they sway, and for once, Ben looks up to the sky and thanks that one angel looking out for him.

He feels the tears in his eyes, the words of promise sung out, and Ben whispers a quiet _thank you_ to the love he's lost before.

A light did guide him home, faint but there, Ben always ignoring it — and in the end he's found Callum. 

Ben turns in his arms, watching as Callum smiles up towards the stage, a solemn expression in his eyes. He reaches up to him, fingers gentle on Callum's face, and as he looks down at Ben, he keeps singing the words as the crowd around them blurs out.

Ben brings him closer, kisses him once, softly, just enough to send the message he wants to say but so foreign to speech. Callum hangs near when Ben pulls back, eyes closed, forehead falling to his.

This isn't pretending. This is _real._

As the guitairs pick up, the crowd does too, and they both feel the adrenaline pulse through them, Ben with goosebumps up and down his arms.

When Callum opens his eyes, he sees Ben murmuring the words back to him, brushing his thumbs over his cheeks. Callum pulls him back in, kisses him a few more times until the drums fade.

Ben falls into his chest, Callum's arms around him as the crowd mellows out, a joined symphony of voices as Ben closes his eyes. Nothing is as loud as Callum's heart, the sun resting on the horizon through the crowd of people when Ben looks out to the world again, and at that moment he knows more than he's ever known.

It's weighted, real and painful. He's breaking his own deal.

He's falling in love, _learning_ to love again.

Ben does the only thing he knows about love, to fear it, run from it.

He breaks from Callum's arms, the crowd cheering for another song as Callum turns to him, Ben pushing back through the crowd.

If Callum calls after him, Ben doesn't hear it.

The music follows after him, taunting himself to turn around, to go back to Callum, to stand in his arms again. This was a mistake, to pretend to be something they already are and treat it as something impossible.

His heart pounds the more distance he gains, and when he breaks outside to the open roads, running across to his car, he doesn't feel as if he can breathe until he's in it.

The sun still paints the sky red and orange, waves crashing beside the pier, and Ben feels the emotions well up, pushing at dam walls that were never strong in the first place.

He stares out to the waves, thinks; _what now?_

_What do I do now?_

He switches the engine on, driving with no place in mind.

\- - -

Night falls and blankets Ben two hours later. His car rolls quietly down the road, no music except the rumbling of horsepower. As he arrives back at the hotel, switching off the engine, Ben's overcome with how silent it is except for the waves that crash in the distance when he steps out.

Another reality.

A reality where he chooses to run instead of fall. Running makes the world empty for him, a place where it's peaceful but painfully lonely.

The walk up to their room is equally weird, almost limbo, knowing that as soon as he sees Callum, he'll be overwhelmed by the events of today. They have three days left, four nights, and Ben just wants to go home.

Standing outside the room, his hand hovers with the keycard between his fingers, flipping it over and under. It takes a few more seconds, but he clicks the lock open, pushing the door with caution.

He's met with quiet, the dull mumbling of the TV on the wall barely audible. It takes a few seconds until he sees Callum, sat on the end of the bed, eyes glued to the news. Something about business, something not remotely interesting as Callum flicks his focus to Ben.

He feels like a deer caught in headlights. 

Ben swallows under his watch, knowing that hours earlier he was in his arms, making himself believe they're as easy as breathing. Right now, in the dark of the room and nothing but space between them, it's more than difficult. It's unbearable.

"Where did you go?"

Ben is caught off guard by his voice even if he expected that question, how it sounds rough, almost as if he's been trying to stop himself from crying.

"For a drive."

Callum lingers on him for a few more seconds before looking away. He doesn't know what else to ask, not when the fabled and treasured mutual agreement between them is already starting to shatter.

"You missed the encore," says Callum, staring at his own hands held between his legs, elbows on his thighs.

"Yeah," Ben replies, feeling the resistance in his throat as he stands there, as if he's not going to move unless there's a purpose.

Well, there's one right in front of him, the usual purpose of blind pleasure, but ever since the first night he's been fine with just _holding._ Sleeping alone becomes almost another fear after having someone by your side that feels a lot warmer than the duvet.

And the fact he ignores Ben's labelled flaws, the glasses, hearing aid, knowing it's a part of Ben and not pointing and laughing like bullies before? It settles an unusual warmth, a fragile piece of his heart finding its way back.

"I'll — just go for a shower," Ben gestures to the bathroom beside, a quick smile on his face, usual defences raised high. "Wanna' join?"

It's meant to be a fun joke, but Callum is looking at him as if he's considering it. There's a slight movement in his lips, and Ben thinks he's going to smile, or laugh, but he ends up turning away again.

Ben leaves them in silence for a second longer before shuffling his jacket from his shoulders, throwing it onto the bed. Callum looks to it, pushing his thumb into the palm of his opposite hand, nerves starting to dig in.

Opening the bathroom door, Ben makes sure he has everything, sighing when he goes to close it.

He can't because Callum's there, his hand on the door as he looks to the floor.

"Why did you leave earlier?"

Ben thought he would have to deal with this tomorrow, not now. Perhaps he doesn't understand Callum as much as he thought.

Ben doesn't have a clue what to reply, so ends up shrugging, "Don't really like that song."

Callum leans against the frame of the door as Ben starts to fidget with the buttons of his collar. It's so much easier battling his feelings in the comfort of isolation, and _not_ when the source of all of his heartache is standing steps away from him.

"That's not what it looked like," says Callum, eyes lifting to Ben's hands, noticing how much he's shaking. "You were crying."

"Exactly," he replies, a little sharp, giving a forced smile. "Don't like it."

Callum adjusts his stance, not leaning entirely on the wall anymore. 

"Then why did you kiss me?"

_Fuck._

Ben's not ready to pour his heart out and he never will be. It hurts too much to explain that amount of emotion, to devote so much to someone and have it thrown back at his feet when there's no use for it anymore.

Or even worse, when they find someone better.

Callum easily could. Even now he probably could, but when Ben looks at him, there's no warm smile. He holds his shoulders weakly, exhaustion clear in his eyes.

Ben's doing this to him, breaking apart a perfectly good soul just so Ben can feel a sense of belonging, even if for a minute. He's draining the warmth from him, keeping it to himself and never returning it.

"We're pretending, remember? My mum was a few steps away," Ben moves his shirt off his shoulders, pulling it up and over. "Can't go to a concert as a couple and not have one cute moment to the chorus, can we?"

He should've looked at Callum when he said that, maybe then it would've sounded true and not thrown at the bathroom wall, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

Ben looks ill, tired. A shell of himself.

Callum doesn't say anything else, moving his foot slightly, not being able to stand still. He wants to ask, wants to say _why lie?_

But Ben isn't looking at him anymore, turning to lean and switch the shower on. The noise of the water running is welcome until it lingers another type of silence between them, lost in their own thoughts.

"You gonna' scrub my back or just stand there?" Ben acts as if he's busy by taking his socks off, surprised by the sound of his own voice, as if pretending is becoming almost impossible, starting to backfire.

He goes to shut the door, but Callum is there, beside him, frown on his face that falls to something broken. It's as if Callum told himself the same, to walk away and keep themselves at a distance, but being here with Ben is so — _so fucking freeing_ that everything else is thrown to the wind.

He can't deny how he feels with Ben, even though Ben _can_ when it comes to Callum. Not everyone has that luxury, the ability to bottle it.

Ben keeps his guarded expression until Callum parts his lips.

"Are we?" whispers Callum, eyes on Ben, tone almost pleading, as if this really is the last heartstring Ben has to cut before Callum leaves.

Ben doesn't understand what he means, at least not until he backtracks his own words, Callum's hands reaching up to sit at the base of his throat.

_We're pretending, remember?_

_Are we?_

And it's with that, plus Callum's hands moving up to cup his jaw, thumb pressing his bottom lip that Ben crumbles.

It's clear as day, the answer, but it doesn't mean it's easy to say.

Ben won't, not when he can keep pretending until the very last second ticks by. By then, it'll be too late, but it's better for Ben to live an easy, floated lie than something real, with weight — able to _lose it._

Callum leans his forehead against his, noses brushing. He can't possibly have feelings for Ben, to love someone as broken, pulling Callum through dirt and weeds just so he can stand taller for a few seconds.

It's useless, anyway, because Callum presses his lips to his, delicately cautious, soft yet unsure, as if he's toying with the rules. But it's Ben that ignores them this time, pushing back, lips parted to kiss and he doesn't stop.

Callum brushes one of his hands into his hair, thumb behind his ear, his other hand gentle at the side of his throat, thumb pushed against the underside of his jaw. Callum ultimately leads, Ben's head tilting to wherever the pressure of Callum's hands leads him.

This is Ben's answer, his blind and ignorant way of saying _we're not,_ and yet it should be so easy to say, so easy to break Callum and walk away as if he's any other.

Ben already knows the answer to that, pushing heavy at the guard of his ribs and it's so warm, almost breathless that he'd stumble if Callum wasn't holding him.

Steam is starting to build and Callum breaks them apart, lingering, lips brushing and their eyes still closed. It's switched from a fun game of toying with easy hearts to walking on glass. 

Seconds tick by, breathing the same air.

But there's a reason he stopped, reaching over Ben's shoulder to check the temperature of the water. It's too hot.

Ben's heart does this weird flip, watching Callum adjust the temperature, eyes fixed on the dial until the water becomes warm and gentle.

He thinks that's it, but then Callum's reaching for his ear, gentle, thumb brushing around the rim. He Callum watches for a moment, eyes falling on Ben's face as he closes his eyes.

Has he never been touched like this before? With meaning?

Callum waits for him to open his eyes again, smiling as he taps his ear at the front by his cheek. _Oh._ Ben nods, subtle but noticable, and Callum removes the hearing aid, turning to place it on the side on a small tissue he rips from the roll.

 _Fuck._ He could cry.

He'd say something, complain that Callum doesn't need to mother him, but it's an action so timeless, so insignificant amongst everything else that Ben will keep remembering it as if it's so much more.

Ben is given so little, that things like this feel monumental.

Callum smiles when he turns back, unsure what to do as that was mostly reflex, the small part of him that's naturally so caring of everyone. His smile isn't strong, though, not as it usually would be.

He begins to walk away because there's still no answer, and Callum's seconds away from _begging_ him so he doesn't feel so insane.

The pocket of cold air next to Ben becomes too much too quickly, and he reaches for Callum's hand, holds it tight.

For a moment, Callum wants to pull away, caught between a good moment and searching for a lifetime of it.

_I can't do this anymore. I can't lie to myself — can't lie to Ben._

Ben squeezes his hand, smiling at Callum in a way he hasn't seen before, or at least he can't remember the last time he did.

Ben pulls him back in, their foreheads together again. He should say something, make the scales tip so they're balanced, but Ben is clueless. Callum's breath shivers, three words away from subtle tears.

So instead of batting whatever comes to his head through words, Ben grips Callum's shirt at the front with both of his hands, silently pulling him in.

Ben understands what this is, the dangerous lie he's telling himself. This isn't like before, the heat, the desperate need for a body so close.

Callum tips his head, noses brushing as he kisses him. He still does when Ben's hand gently runs up the inside of his shirt, nervous and new and _this isn't how I normally feel._

This is undescribable. It's too lost and unsure to be a first kiss, too slow and almost afraid to be one of importance.

When Callum stands a bit taller, shoulders raised, Ben's head tipping up to kiss him, Ben gives up on trying to describe what he's feeling.

Ben doesn't feel confidence, doesn't feel the same charming wit he usually possesses because this is different. This is him, and a guy, kissing slowly and tenderly as if there's more to them, more to them than what they're willing to agree to, open and dangerously fragile.

This isn't love, is it? 

He's afraid, yet every time Callum holds him, keeps the fragments of him together, Ben wants more of it.

Ben's seen it in other people, has love for his found family but not a love like this — tied to one person, drawn to them, _whole_ with them.

And _god,_ Ben's been cold and left broken most of his life.

Even as Callum stands with him in the shower minutes later, kissing at the back of his neck with softness and certainty, fingertips pressing to Ben's stomach, arms sure and strong around him, lips moving over skin, his shoulders — it feels hard to believe he might have found it.

If it's taken him this long, lost his first love, had it beaten and falsely thrown at him, then surely he wasn't meant for it in the first place.

Ben's heart isn't compatible, doesn't understand how to speak it, feel it, and most of all _accept it._

Love isn't easy. It's not like learning the alphabet, a set of letters, a set order. Love is looking at that alphabet, vision blurred, wondering _why can everyone understand it but me?_

Ben asked Callum to hold him, didn't even speak it, Callum just _fucking knows_ and it breaks him. Callum can see that alphabet, speak it, hum the melody everyone knows.

Love is its own language. Maybe, if he allows himself, he'll learn it with Callum.

They stay there, water running over them but Ben thinks it's nothing compared to Callum's hands, Callum's lips falling like rain over his back until he eventually nuzzles into Ben's hair. He squeezes Ben softly in his hold, Ben's head falling back with a sigh to rest on Callum's shoulder.

Callum doesn't know, but Ben does. He's falling.

Ben turns around eventually, hands to Callum's stomach, thumb moving over a scar he's seen before but never had the chance to think.

Callum's just as fragmented, easier to see. It doesn't show the memories that stick with it, though, the memories that raise the skin like they're permanently under there.

He looks up to Callum, a question on his tongue.

_What's the story to this one?_

Callum presses his lips together. He shakes his head, looking down to take Ben's hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing his palm.

_Not today._

Ben nods, only slightly, and Callum picks up on it.

"Thanks," he says, and for a moment Ben thinks he imagines his voice. They've spent so long in silence.

Ben smiles back, shy, almost.

Callum keeps their hands together, keeps them elevated as he slots his fingers between Ben's. He's looking at them, water running over their skin in waves.

He's holding his hand for a purpose, to say _look, we fit, we're capable of something more._

Perhaps it's Callum's way of saying Ben's touch won't burn or curse him.

Callum brings their joint hands to his lips, kissing it again, keeping his eyes closed until Ben spots a tear. It's washed away quickly, as if Callum let it slip because Ben might not see it.

But he did. It shatters him.

"Maybe I should scrub your back now," jokes Callum, letting go of his hand. This mirage won't last forever.

Ben smiles, shaking his head. They'd have to go back to pretending eventually because they still have days left, and even if they decide to do it now, to decide to be that something more, it feels unsettling.

As if it _shouldn't_ happen. They _shouldn't_ be feeling this way.

"Way to ruin the moment," Ben replies, fingers moving down his arms, a sarcastic tone to his voice. "I'll join you back in the room in a bit. Kinda' like showers — not that I also don't like you in them."

"Yeah, I get it." Callum wonders if it's partly to enjoy the warmth or time to think. He's always been told that longer showers means the body is yearning for comfort, for warmth.

"Maybe next time," Ben winks, but it falls flat. Callum knows this is a forced exit.

There's a distance in Ben"s expression, almost embarrassed to admit wanting a next time even if he's trying to play it off as a joke. Callum's hand finds his cheek, brushing his thumb under his eye a few times before smiling.

When Callum finishes washing, he steps out, leaving Ben under the spray.

Ben hates how cold everything feels, how the emptiness and the silence when Callum exits through the door is overbearing.

It's just more room, more anxiety of the same repetitive shit he keeps telling himself; a statement he constantly wants to throw at any body of water so it drowns out completely.

But it just skips across the surface, echoes and comes right back.

_You're lying._

_\- - -_

It's dark except for the moonlight gently touching their room through the large windows, ocean waves muffled as they crash.

Ben leaves the bathroom to see Callum in bed on his back, one arm behind his head, the other resting by his side. His eyes are closed, and Ben can't tell if he's sleeping or not until he reaches the bed.

Callum opens his eyes at the feeling of being watched, staring up at Ben, an empty space between them.

This is normal. They've done this ever since they got here.

"Feel better?" asks Callum, readjusting his head to see Ben better, fingers twitching against the sheets.

"Mm-hm," is all Ben replies with because no, he doesn't.

Placing on a shirt and shorts, he climbs into the empty space, and laying there feels awkward, as if already they're ignoring what just happened in the bathroom. As if they didn't just say what they've been meaning to say all this time.

Callum breaks the silence.

"What's the plan for tomorrow?" 

Ben panics, head turned to Callum, immediately thinking he's on about them. Callum finds an odd comfort in realising that, and decides leaving Ben without a proper answer is more harm than it's worth.

Callum turns his head back to the ceiling. "The events?"

"Oh," his lungs take a breather. God. He's not ready to face that yet. "More racing. Few awards for best in show. Nothing much. It becomes more of a holiday than a racing event now." 

Ben hears Callum hum, trying to not make such a big deal of the arms width distance between them. He shouldn't be so bothered about this, Callum drifting off to sleep as if this whole idea and the outcome hasn't plagued him in the slightest.

"You gonna' join in?" Ben feels cruel to keep him awake, but there's only a few hours left of the night until they wake up and go about their lives as if they didn't hold each other like long lost lovers five minutes ago, afraid to let go again.

Ben wants to live in that cocoon a little longer.

"What?" mumbles Callum, half asleep, half awake.

"The events," Ben adjusts, shifting to lay on his side, watching Callum's face soften under exhaustion. "You've only been in one."

"It's not really my thing, is it?" deciding to speak with his eyes closed, it's a lot easier, more simple. Callum can pretend the world isn't real, that he's sleeping and it's all a dream.

Deep down, he knows that's not possible. He can feel how warm Ben is beside him, wants to curl into it, to whisper to him; _what am I doing wrong?_

_Why won't you say something?_

"You're pretty good behind the wheel," Ben rests his hand near Callum's bicep, testing the waters. "Must've had a good teacher."

"Looks like I did," and Callum doesn't give him any more to work with. He can feel him moving closer.

"We could —" Ben moves his head closer to his shoulder, sighs before continuing. "We could go back to the arcade? Win that thing again? The one you gave to Lexi?"

"It's fine," he opens his eyes now. Ben's pushing this way too far for the guy that's been keeping as much distance as possible.

"Would you want to go—"

 _"Ben—"_ Callum almost apologises for raising his voice, but the constant talking when Callum is entirely focused on something else is driving Callum up the wall. "Just sleep, alright?"

Ben doesn't answer back, but he does have to bite his tongue. 

Ben's fingertips move gently, sending pleasant tingles through Callum's arm as they ride up. They're both wide awake, as if cursed not to fall asleep until one of them owns up.

"Kinda' cold, don't you think?" asks Ben, and no, it isn't.

Callum understands why he's said it. He moves the arm from under his head, hovers it behind Ben. An open invitation.

Ben takes it without a second glance, muscles releasing hours of tension, if not _days_ as his head comes to rest on Callum's chest. Callum's arm fits around him, hand sitting at the back of his neck.

Callum is well aware of how Ben steers around things, to get what he wants with minimal damage to himself, but Callum didn't think he would do it to gain something like this.

Simple, human, physical contact.

"Is this alright?" Ben asks, another question, tipping the scales back and forth once more.

Callum is about to ask why, but Ben places his hand on his chest and suddenly it's not important. It still hurts, though, the weight of the next few words on his tongue.

"Friends do this all the time, right? So why not?" This is something Ben would say, and Ben hearing it instead of saying it feels awful.

In fact, he wonders how much of what he's said to Callum gives him the same feeling in his chest that those did, ill and unsure. A sense of feeling lost and overwhelmingly found. Confusion.

But this is Ben's game, and if he can't play it himself, what's the point in keeping appearances?

"Yeah," he says, and Callum must be testing the limits of that game, because now he's gently running his fingers through Ben's hair, fingertips soothing as they scratch his scalp.

His lips part, sighing. Callum begins to think he's like one of those mean dogs, easily tamed by a small bit of affection.

That makes it worse, though, doesn't it? Knowing Ben's heart is so bruised and broken that even this, a gesture so small and insignificant is worth more than anything to him.

Laying there, like putty in Callum's arms, Ben realises the scales have always been tipped in Ben's own favour. It's always Callum, selfless, adoring Callum setting his heart aside to give Ben a chance to feel his own heart awakening again.

He doesn't need to do this, cuddle him, comfort him and silently whisper without words that somehow he won't leave. 

It's always been Ben, never Callum.

Callum hangs on, helpless, afraid of moving on because he's found something in Ben he's been trying to find for years. He's found a heart he can hear, wants to hold, wants to _love —_ and he can't have it.

Ben realises this now, and it's more than too late. It's probably already over.

"I'm breaking your heart," whispers Ben, thumb moving over Callum's own heart, his skin warm from where he rests his head. "And yet, you're still here."

Callum doesn't need to answer straight away. It's for Ben, not himself, and every second he wastes is another he gets to spend with Ben before he chooses to break them. Ben has that power, and he's scared of it. They both are.

"Used to it by now." Callum moves his hands through Ben's hair once more, feeling the sigh Ben lets out, rolling over his chest like a wave.

It feels fragile, what they have. Ben has to make sure his words aren't heavy enough to break the ice beneath them.

"You shouldn't be."

Ben admitting that feels wrong. He can't say that when he's used to his own heart being ignored.

"Some things we can't control," Callum speaks towards the ceiling, adjusting the arm not comforting Ben as he places it beneath his own head as some sort of support.

It shouldn't be this relaxing, sharing warmth, talking about things as their bodies mellow. But as Ben's hand becomes stationary on his heart, Callum realises this is nothing.

In fact, he doesn't know what _this_ is. Callum can't leave, Ben can't either, and yet they're laying together as if they've been doing this for more than just this once, comfortable in each other's presence.

"Would you want that?" whispers Ben, his forefinger drawing little circles over his heart now, small little scratching movements that arent anywhere near scratching at all. 

It's almost as if he wants in, to unlock it, to find out why Callum of all people wants to choose _Ben —_ the sun always outshines the moon.

"Mmm?" 

Ben closes his eyes at the humming vibration, nuzzles his face into his chest more before realising he shouldn't be, so he tries to brush it off as simply adjusting.

"Controlling stuff," replies Ben, and when Ben looks up to his face, Callum has his eyes closed.

"I don't think anyone has a choice, it's only your own actions you can control. What happens after? Who knows," Callum brushes his thumb down the rim of Ben's right ear. "If it's not meant to be, it ain't."

"So is this?" Ben asks, curious more than scared, even though he starts to regret it when Callum doesn't answer.

He does, eventually.

"Don't make me answer that," Callum's hand stills in his hair, swallowing the lump in his throat. "You already answered that for both of us."

Ben tilts his head to look at him again, eyes falling on different parts of his face. He's doing this because the time they have is ever so close to being over. Callum is kind enough to give him a chance, to agree to late nights and hushed secrets, but not this — not toying with the idea of _them_ when Ben's denied it from the beginning.

"Do you think about it, though?"

Callum closes his eyes, clenches his jaw, "Ben."

"What I said to you, on the phone — do you not wonder what I meant?" Ben hears himself back. It sounded a lot better in his head.

"No. I don't."

The way Callum moves his head to look at him says otherwise, eyes glazed over from exhaustion, brushing his thumb over Ben's cheek.

Ah. So this is how it is. Callum said no, but his face says _yeah, I do — all the time and it drives me insane thinking about you._ Ben hangs on with that, pushing himself up to sit on one elbow, hand soothing up towards Callum's neck in a warmth that sparks fires.

If they both do this, both skip around the idea of more, then emotions don't have to get involved, but Ben is betting that Callum does first so he doesn't have to.

Ben having the choice to break them will be easier than Callum doing it, and right now, they don't need to lie to anyone else but themselves.

Lying has always been easy, a way to protect himself, but lying to Callum feels wrong.

And when he leans in to kiss him, thumb at the hinge of Callum's jaw, the walls he places to shadow himself practically cease to exist. Callum's hands on him wake the bones under his skin, as if his hands are magnets and his bones metal.

They make him move, move into Callum until he has to remember to breathe, falling under puppet strings again as Callum rolls on top of him.

Ben doesn't know how to _be_ around Callum, to breathe without drowning, to think without breaking. He's fighting something he shouldn't, fighting how to learn again.

But it's all Ben's ever been good at; fighting, breaking, falling and lying under a wicked grin.

He's not breathless, kind and tender smiles, clinging hands as if he doesn't want to let go.

Callum makes him this way, and maybe it's him, truly _who_ Ben is, unearthed through all of the weeds planted in his lungs, in his heart. He's been breathing in the same air, telling himself the same warnings for years, and those weeds have grown so much it's almost impossible for the sunlight to break through.

Maybe that's why he craves it, the warmth of another, outlined in the orange ribbons of a waking sun.

Hours later, when Ben and Callum retreat to the silence of sleep after rolling in sheets, Ben blinks his eyes open to that picture.

The window, blurred crashing of waves behind silk blinds moving in the slight breeze. Callum lays there with his head on the pillow, hair falling softly to the side, white sheet pooled at his hip. Warm sunlight highlights the edge of him, blocking Ben from the warmth, but it's as if he doesn't need it, mind clear, body with a slight tingle.

Nothing hurts like this.

Knowing what you want, seeing it, believing in it for the first time — and then having the will to walk away from it.

But not yet. He doesn't need to, not when it's still early, not when he can curl into Callum and he subconsciously curls his arms around Ben in return.

Ben's learning, breathing without the strain anymore.

It's the most terrifying thing in the world, because now, he has something to lose that's always been so far out of reach. Who knew four letters could do so much to a man so guarded, who pretends nothing can touch him.

So much for pretending — because this is real, all of it.

When Callum wakes later, dressing himself in silence, he says he'll meet Ben in the breakfast hall later. He's going for a run, headphones in his ears with music already wildly loud so he can't hear Ben if he chooses to say anything.

Ben doesn't. Instead, he sits up, remembering the shower, more specifically the hand Callum held his with, the hand Callum reached with to squeeze together with Ben's in the heat of last night. It's same hand from the club, the same one Callum threw into a mirror as hard as he could.

Ben holds that hand to his lips, wishes he was still holding him, and curses himself as he remembers exactly what he said to Callum, what he preached about when wrapping his knuckles.

_Don't hurt yourself for the sake of others, Callum. Chase your own happiness, not theirs._

Callum's still doing it. He's doing it for Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter might even take longer to write, so i hope that this one was worth yet another wait. <\3


	17. losing the best of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // callum thinks about one day that he'll lose pip, so if that will affect you in any way, please avoid the start of the beach walk scene. <3
> 
> also tw's for alcohol, brief ptsd mentions
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Thank u thank u thank u for all of the support! And a massive hug to jay who continues to support me through.. whatever this fic is! <3
> 
> If theres a typo once again please dont bully me 😭

_FOURTH DAY, FRIDAY_

The ocean is so peaceful, gentle as the waves crash. Callum can smell the salt in the air, the distant chimes of seagulls and mumbled conversations.

All of that, the sounds, the world waking up — that's outside, not in this very room, where hearts are still mellow, lungs still calm. Callum knows he shouldn't get used to this, knows that time is running out for him, but he can't help it. The world is offering him something he's always wanted.

Warmth, hands on his skin in a way an artist paints their brush across the canvas. Closeness, one he hasn't felt in years, closeness that feels _right,_ feels like _him_ in the way Ben curls into him, breath against the skin of his neck.

He could lay here for as long as he allows, sheets pooled at their waists. Callum, for once, doesn't wake suddenly. It's gradual, the hand on his chest soothing him, and as Callum moves onto his side, Ben's head tucks into his chest, breathing deep.

They both need this. An anchor for solid ground. A momentary truce.

Callum is aware he needs to break away, settle back into their ping pong routine but Callum doesn't seem to care.

His nose brushes through Ben's hair, soft after the shower last night mixed with the coconut fragance of hotel shampoo, keeping Callum in this mellow state, half asleep and half awake.

Ben's hand moves over his waist, down to his thighs, sighing against the skin of Callum's chest when he ropes his arms around him.

Ben wants to ask if they can stay like this forever, but the day will catch up to them eventually, seconds ticking on the clock beside him. It's even more apparent that they should separate when Callum's hand brushes through the hair at the back of his head, slowly, _just_ enough pressure with his fingertips. Ben's lips part to sigh, curling against him as a result, gripping wherever his hands meet Callum's skin.

_God, that feels so nice—_

He wonders if the future heart Callum decides to love will get this, the man he chooses over Ben having this every morning, every hour, every time they ask or need it.

Ben curses himself, strangles that thought and tips his head to softly kiss at the side of Callum's neck. Birds sing just after, settling a soft warmth in Ben, and he realises how wrong he is.

Callum's world, this is it. 

Callum is allowing him that small step inside, and Ben feels a sense of home. Ben wants to treasure it before it's eventually tugged from him, burning against the skin of his hands because he can't hold on any longer.

But whoever does get this, Callum's care and his heart, Ben's jealous of them already.

Slow, comforting touches, the warmth of his personality and touch alone, the steady and almost nonexistent pace of every movement. It's so different to Ben. Whereas he moves fast, chases, Callum stays, walks, admires what's there with a gentle look towards the future.

Now Ben's caught in a riptide, pushed and pulled to unsteady waters, but then Callum takes his hand and leads him to the quiet parts, the moments where they can just breathe, like what they're having now.

But rivers aren't endless, and they _do_ end, pouring into the vast, unknown blue. Callum doesn't want to end up there, sinking to the bottom and wondering what if.

It's all he can have, though, opening his eyes to the mirror, looking back at them. If he had no thought, if Callum was a stranger to himself and his own image, he'd look at the image in the mirror and think they were lovers.

Ben's back faces him, face unknown, but his body language tells Callum everything. Even the beach in the distance through the window, it's almost too perfect, that the only reality he'll get is a fake one through the reverse image of a mirror.

Callum takes a deep breath, starts to move back from Ben, momentarily feeling Ben's fingertips grip before becoming loose again. Ben's eyes open gradually, vision blurry to the figure of Callum sitting at the end of the bed.

And he stays there.

He'd reach out, tell Callum to come back, but there's a lingering doubt anything he says will be understood in a different way to which he means.

Especially something as fragile as this, allowing one night being _more,_ allowing themselves to _stay_ when previous nights they wished they were somewhere else.

By the time Ben makes his mind up, smirk on his lips to match the joke of his words, Callum is standing up, sigh breaking through his lips. The chance is gone, but that doesn't mean he stops there.

"You were warm," Ben mumbles into the pillow, picking at the fabric of Callum's while he walks out of view. "Come back."

The bathroom door shuts behind Callum. He probably didn't hear him, and Ben finds himself counting each second until he hears the sound of that door clicking open again.

When it does, Callum walks back into the room slowly, hands rubbing at his eyes, feet placed one foot in front of the other growing cold as he walks into Ben's view again.

He feels it, Ben's glare on the skin of his back as he sits down on the edge of the bed, reaching for his phone. Ben can't see what he's doing, but he's starting to become needy for attention he shouldn't even be allowed to have or need in the first place.

He moves onto Callum's side of the bed, Callum not doing anything to react to it, not even when Ben starts to run his hand up his spine.

"Come back to bed," his whispers out, Callum's head falling slightly, muscles losing their tense hold under his skin. Ben feels them move underneath the press of his fingertips.

The moment doesn't last long.

"I'm going for a run," Callum leans down, grabs a fresh assortment of clothes and his headphones. "I'll meet you at breakfast or something."

Ben feels like he's been slapped across the face. Of course he didn't forget they're not real, but for a moment, what's the harm in trying it?

If it meant Callum holding him like that again, he'd do anything.

"You know this is a holiday, right? You don't need to expel your energy before the day's even started," Ben leans up on his elbow, eyes looking over Callum's shoulder to the wild, growing sea.

Callum huffs at his words, "Holiday, sure."

Ben's interest peaks, because why would he sound so sarcastic about that? He shrugs it off, leans closer to whisper against the skin of his neck.

 _"Plus,"_ he places one kiss there, then another, "There are other ways to work out."

Callum sighs, the sound of nothing but annoyance, but Ben's warm kisses keep him held there for a moment too long. He almost turns around, accepts the offer, but he's standing up with a small shake in his stance.

"No thanks," he says, plugging his headphones in before pulling on a clear, almost forest type of green shirt. "I don't wanna' spend the last few days locked up in here with you."

Ben's head moves back, eyes a little wide, "Wow, how charming. In fact, I'd think you were playing hard to get."

_Oh, really?_

Callum glares at him, as if to say _don't try your luck, buddy,_ and walks towards the door. Headphones in his ears, Callum can't hear Ben calling after him.

"They always come back!"

\- - -

Callum's phone pings as he shuts the door. The reply says they're both awake, so Callum heads to their room.

He knocks twice, and soon, Lola appears behind the opening door, Pip beside her as she stares up to Callum.

"Morning," he says, smile on his lips that comes easier than he thought it would. Lola smiles back, leaning against the door with her arms crossed.

"Mornin'. How you feeling?" 

Callum can hear the muffled noises of kids TV in the background, Lexi with her eyes glued to it over Lola's shoulder.

"Tired, mostly. I think the sun is getting to me," Callum shrugs, looks down to Pip and kneels to greet her. "Hey, you."

Pip grumbles, head to Callum's chest as she wags her tail.

"Not Ben?"

Pausing, Callum looks up, Lola with a knowing concern on her face.

"I can handle him," replies Callum. "Thanks for looking after this one, by the way."

Lola respects that he wants to change the subject, but there's still a moment where she lingers on Callum's face, trying to catch something out of place.

"No need to say thanks, she practically looks after herself," Lola scratches two fingers at the back of Pip's ear when she turns round again. "She's a smart one, more mature than when she was a pup. Still has the same character though."

Callum chuckles, pats Pip's side before standing up to his full height again, "I'll bring her back before the event starts. Shouldn't be too long."

"You off to the beach?" starts Lola.

Callum is about to reply when he sees Lexi finally spot him.

Lexi skips through the room, eyes going bright and smiles wide when she sees Callum.

"Good morning, Callum!" she says, pigtails bouncing at the side of her head. Toffee is held between crossed arms.

"Morning to you too, Lexi," he smiles down at her, heart warm at the thought of her treasuring the gift he got her from the zoo so closely. "Any more adventures to tell me later?"

"Loads!" she raises Toffee, placing her atop her head, grinning like she's ready to tell each and every one right now.

"I can't wait!" Callum replies, watching her walk off back into the room again.

When Callum looks back to Lola, she's smiling, and not just generally. She's smiling from the heart, warm and gentle, the type that makes the eyes shine a little.

"What?"

"You know you can talk to me, right?" she says, looking down the hallway to the closed door of his and Ben's room. "About things."

Callum goes silent for a moment, sniffs, hand to the side of his neck as he scratches it. It doesn't feel awkward that she knows, but having someone else see them from the outside and hoping the conclusion is a good one is completely farfetched.

He's the one _in_ the relationship, and he still has no idea where they'll even go.

"I appreciate that, thank you," so Callum smiles anyway, accepts the offers and files it away for a future he's scared about. "Well, I should probably head to the beach before it gets busy. See you in a bit?"

Lola nods, "See you later."

She watches him walk down the hallway towards the elevator, Pip beside him and occasionally looking up to Callum. 

Lola can't help but see how Callum holds himself, the drop in his shoulders, the entire weight of his own world and choices weighing him down. This isn't Callum, and frankly, she's never really seen _him,_ only at his worst and the stories from Lexi.

Not forgetting the effect on Ben, the afterglow he always seems to have after seeing Callum, or when he talks about him with Lexi.

He always says that Lexi going _on and on_ about Callum gets on his nerves a little, but Lola can see just how much he's lying about that. In fact, Ben is so scared of how good Callum could be for him that he tries to pretend not only to himself, but to other people that he tolerates him for the sake of Lexi.

In theory, that may not be far from the truth, but Lola doesn't see all of them, the hidden exchanges in broad daylight like they're toying with the idea of being caught, so _one of them_ has to own up about their feelings.

But then what's the point in that when last night happened? 

Callum thumps his head against the wall of the elevator, eyes closed to an image of Ben's eyes, soft as they search every detail of his face, the subtle parting of his lips, the way in which he kissed him without fever or regret.

It's almost enlightening to think last night might be the first step to them becoming something, but it also felt like the last time. A goodbye of sorts, the way Ben looked so broken, telling him to take it slow, as if remembering that moment meant more to Ben than reaching the end.

And that's a first, because every other time has been desperate, silent questions, a done and dusted situation where the lingering afterwards becomes dangerous, stirs feelings in their chests they can't compute with.

But last night — that was the first time he looked at Ben and knew he wanted Callum to stay.

The way he held him, kissed at Callum's shoulder, hugged his body as close as atoms would allow. And Callum didn't miss the way he looked almost teary, in so much denial it's starting to bleed out from the inside, the pressure in his lungs too much.

And after, when they lay in silence, Ben reached for his hand, skimmed his fingertips over Callum's, seconds away from gripping tight — and he didn't.

Ben turned away. Turned his back to him. Callum fell asleep after, heart too torn to move, and didn't see the moment Ben turned back around, moving into him after the battle in his mind proved no victor.

The morning air is so clear, too. Enough room for thoughts like that, enough empty film on a quiet morning to replay the events of somewhere else.

"Come on," he says to Pip, headphones in as they exit the hotel. One car drives past, then another before he can cross the road.

And suddenly, Callum is brought back to years ago, hot sand, heavy machines.

His mouth goes dry, a tingle under his skin that sets his heart racing almost too quickly. Pip is beside him just as Callum's running shoes touch the sand on the ramp.

She yaps at him, and Callum blinks, looking towards her as she tilts her head.

"Alright, missy. We can't all be young and spirited," but it does help, that she's here, tail wagging as she looks out to the sea.

It's different. There's no one here, a gentle dance of orange and red bursting through white clouds, chasing the pastel purples that linger from the night, distant stars saying one last goodbye once more.

And the wind is cold, brisk, the ocean breeze clinging to his skin, making Callum shake, hunching his shoulders together and wishing for warmth.

The only warmth he knows is back at the hotel, fifty floors up, a smug grin that Callum can easily melt into something private, something Ben doesn't even know he's capable of.

He shakes his head, changes the music with a few quick thumb swipes on his phone before taking the first step.

Alright. This isn't too bad.

This sand doesn't burn through his shoes, and in fact, he doesn't really feel anything. Maybe Callum's gone numb, or Ben has plucked so many heartstrings there's nothing _to_ feel anymore.

Pip bounces a few steps ahead, the sand cold between her paw pads, but Callum's never seen her look so unsure but so excited at the same time.

She walks warily, raising her foot high each time, jumping back when a crab comes into focus next to her.

"Oh, I wouldn't, Pip," Callum laughs, watching the small back and forth movements she does to try and get a whiff.

She bolts when it goes for her, narrowly missing, but Pip just leaps and starts bolting in the opposite direction, allowing Callum to start jogging at an easy pace, music in his ears awfully distracting.

In fact, he takes them out, shoves them in his shorts and zips the pocket up. Now, the world comes back into focus.

The sound of the ocean, the sand moving beneath every press of his feet. There's something so tranquil about this, feeling as if you're on the edge of the world, nothing but sea for miles, stretching along each side of the horizon.

Pip leads Callum closer to the waves, running alongside as she jumps in and out of each incoming wave. He hasn't spent much time with her this holiday, so a morning jog away from the keeper of his heart and his univetiable future is a welcome break.

Entertaining, too, as Callum finds a branch just large enough to throw, sending it towards the sea which Pip happily thunders after.

If only he lived down here, had this view, this opportunity every morning. Maybe he should start saving, call it the _holiday but a permanent one_ jar for when he retires.

But _god,_ it's a bit early for that, isn't it? And what about Pip? She won't live as long, won't be in those plans even if he starts them now.

Callum doesn't want to think like that, anyway, enjoying the now as Pip trots alongside him, stick held in her jaw and the innocence in her eyes.

"Love you, Pip," Callum blurts out, overcome with emotion suddenly, coming to a stop just as the waves crash at their feet.

He kneels down, one knee touching the cold surface of the sand as Callum holds her head, scratching behind her ears.

"You're the best thing that's happened to me, you know that?" Callum says, a little choked up. "Even when everyone else left, I found you, and you're still here. I know I'm just the hand that feeds you but — and _I'm talking to a dog."_

Callum laughs at himself, but Pip steps closer, tail moving slowly.

"Just — I'm gonna really miss you, one day. And I know I shouldn't think like that, but I will, and I hope that even when you're not so young you'll wanna' come back here and do the same all over again," Callum strokes down her side now, smiling as Pip looks at him clueless, but in his heart, Callum knows she understands. "And still annoy me, I hope."

She barks, and Callum hugs her despite the sea and salt in her fur, "That's my girl."

It's then that Callum realises he's not that alone, that Pip connects to other people too, and those people aren't there for the sake of Pip either. They met Callum first, Pip came second, and yet they're perfectly blended together in a found family.

"Right," he steps back, sniffing as one final tear threatens to drop. "Race you to the end?"

Pip barks again, and Callum jumps into a sprint, Pip beside him as they venture to the edge of the beach a few miles down.

\- - -

Callum gets halfway back up the beach before coming to a stop. He really doesn't want to go back to the real world just yet, because out here, it really does feel like it's himself and nothing else.

He steps closer to the water, Pip walking alongside, and takes off his shoes. His socks follow next, tucking them inside, and he places them a bit away so they don't get swept.

The water's cold, he knows that much from the initial bite of the temperate, but Callum stands there, hands in his short pockets as he stares out.

Pip sits next to him, leaning her head against him, and wags her tail every time a wave crashes, bringing the water closer.

This isn't so scary after all. 

No loud noises, no burning his feet in the sand. It's too cold, actually, but the more Callum stands and thinks about elsewhere, the more the water warms.

Eventually, he sits down, thankful he brought waterproof shorts so the salt doesn't ruin them and lays back. His shirt will be covered in wet sand, but he doesn't care, not when he feels so at peace for the first time this holiday.

And the stars that still linger above, promises of warmth so far away — Callum envies them, wishes he too had some sort of warmth beside him. 

He closes his eyes, hands on his stomach and knees in the air. It's nice, to not think about Ben, to breathe in and not feel so strangled on the next exhale.

But it always comes back to Ben, always.

Ben's already sunk his claws in, left wounds, but the biggest thing that hurts more than anything else is thinking it doesn't. That the words, the way his hands leave warmth but create cold after they leave, it feels as if Ben takes and leaves less than there was to begin with.

Callum keeps going back, though, because he _knows_ Ben is capable of it, hidden underneath years that seem invisible to the eye, but engrained — _coded_ into his system where anything else feels alien to him, that he's doing something that will come back to bite him.

Despite all that, Callum's seen the quiet parts, the parts of Ben that slow down to a pace Callum's used to in his life. The quiet moments, little smiles of affection, the way Ben looks back at him with the same question in his eyes every single time;

_Why are you still here?_

Ben's half expecting Callum to have given up by now, to somehow leave after all this and lick his wounds. But it's not like that, he can't just leave, not entirely.

He's knitted into the inner workings of his heart; when Ben smiles, Callum does too. When he cries, Callum feels the same pressure pull in his chest.

And when Ben looks at him, a thousand words in his eyes that his mouth doesn't dare speak, Callum will wait with a hand on his chest, squeezing it as if to say _I won't tell if you don't —_ thar somehow his heart won't hear it, won't feel the words digging in.

They're each other's last puzzle piece.

Callum's unsure how much time passes, but the sky above still blends purple and red.

He hears footsteps, breaking out of his small daze, body less numb as he moves a little to wake himself up.

"Morning," a voice says, a few steps away from him.

It's not the voice he expected, either, because he's turning his head with curious eyes to spot Kathy of all people standing next to him.

_Oh god._

Callum feels a jolt, as if his body is kicking itself to get moving.

"Oh, I—" he sits up slowly, offering the best smile he can. "Morning, Miss—"

 _"Kathy,"_ she smiles, holding her hand out to stop him. "Please, just call me Kathy."

Callum smiles her way, almost worried he's dreaming. It's odd, meeting her in circumstances like this, especially so early in the morning.

"Am I needed back at the hotel?" he asks, about to get up, but Kathy shakes her head.

"Not at all. Just thought I'd clear my head and come for a walk," Kathy brightens as Pip races back, coming up to her and accepting the praise she gets in return. "Looks like you had the same idea."

"Guess you could say that," Callum looks back out to the ocean, the delicate balance of orange and red reaching over the horizon.

"Hot chocolate?" Offers Kathy, holding out the canister for him.

Callum eyes it, suddenly overwhelmed, blinking as he accepts it, "Thank you?" and then it dawns on him.

Kathy laughs as she sits down, thankfully the sand being not as wet where Callum is, legs together and coffee cup resting on her lap. She gives him time to figure it out.

"You knew I was out here," says Callum, thumb moving over the lip of the plastic. "But how would you even know where to start?"

The beach stretches for miles, and Callum gestures towards the far end, steep cliffs as waves crash in the grey haze of distance. He remembers running there and running back, taking a breather here and zoning out.

Next thing he knew, Kathy's here.

"Well, I didn't," she shrugs, and Callum smiles in amusement as she speaks. "You just made it easy. Thought you were meant to be running?"

It's all teasing, something to make Callum laugh, losing the tension in his shoulders. So Lola told her.

"I did," he gestures toward the other end of the beach. "Ran there and back. Just wanted a few minutes to think."

Kathy laughs, "Looks like I'm interrupting that."

"No! No no, honestly," he smiles, lifting his cup slightly to gesture towards it. "This is nice, thank you."

"Oh, so just the hot chocolate?"

Callum closes his eyes, drops his head with a smile on his face. It causes Kathy to keep laughing, patting his arm.

"I'm joking!"

"You really are related," jokes Callum, raising his head to talk to her properly. "All the jokes."

"Ben?"

"Yeah," Callum tries not to smile even more. "Does it a lot. Was annoying at the start but — it's part of his charm, I think."

Kathy doesn't say anything, taking a sip of her coffee a few seconds later. Callum kicks his heel into the sand, watching it fly towards the pastel waves.

"Am I —" starts Callum, taking a deep breath. He keeps forgetting he has to pretend, that the main person he's meant to be fooling is currently sitting next to him. "Am I good for Ben?"

"Are you getting approval to propose to him?" Kathy asks, tone curious.

Callum coughs, hand shaking from where he rests his arms on his raised knees.

 _"No no, not that,"_ and he feels the warmth in his cheeks. "Can you see us… lasting?"

Kathy frowns, somewhat taken back by that, taking a few moments to think of something to reply, "What do you mean by that? Are you two not happy?"

_Shit._

_Are we?_

_Are we even a we?_

She places a hand on his arm, seeing the internal struggle going on in Callum's head.

Callum's head tips back, lips parted with the words so easily sat on his tongue. It's so easy to say things in your head and let anxiety try to answer it in a million ways rather than facing it head on. Because no matter what, he'll probably still doubt the answer.

"I know, Callum," and the silence floods his mind instead of what he wanted to say, figuring out how to _lie._

"What?"

"I know you and Ben aren't together, at least not really."

Callum expected himself to defend it, beg that they are when he first thought about something like this happening. But he just sits there, eyes on Kathy with a shine in his eyes, weight ripped from his chest.

He's relieved.

He doesn't have to lie anymore, at least not to Kathy, nor Lexi, or anyone apart from Ben. 

"By the silence I'd say that's relief," Kathy smiles, feeling sorry for him. "You must really care about him if you agreed to do something like this. I couldn't quite believe it when he said it in the first place, because I know my boy doesn't settle so easily."

Callum remains silent, shaking his head slowly, "You knew."

"I did."

"So why would he ask me to do this?" it's a question that's been on his mind since Ben asked.

"Wanting to be right, proving that he's more, proving that he isn't bothered by the past," she shrugs. "It could be anything, but I bet some part of him did it because part of him wants it for real."

"Then why put me through this? Why not just say it?" he sounds angry more than happy to receive the answer he's wanted all this time.

"It's Ben," she laughs, squeezing his arm before pulling away. "How long have you known him?"

"Few months now."

"Then you probably know by now that Ben doesn't like to admit to stuff. Well, he doesn't like to admit anything when it comes to this," Kathy smiles as Pip jumps a wave, both of them watching but both of them listening to each other. "He searches for approval he doesn't need from his dad. And even now he's moved away, it's something rooted so deep, not wanting to feel weak or rely on anything."

"This isn't— loving someone doesn't make you weak."

Kathy sighs, looks down to her coffee, "It's not my place to say, but if I'm right and he really does care about you, then he'll tell you."

Kathy looks up. She's given him hope, a real, small amount of it but it's _there._

There's something holding Ben back, a mix of things, and Callum has only seen the surface of some of them.

"But can I ask something?"

Callum blinks, not speaking without nerves easily picked out in his words, "Sure." 

"Why do you think he doesn't feel the same way?"

It takes a bit, Callum staring at his cup in thought, but he eventually starts speaking, uncertainty in the way he holds his head.

"It's like he says one thing, and then when I'm with him and he's smiling, or we sit together it means another," Callum's head falls forward again, watching Pip stand in the shallow water. "I never know if I'm what he wants, because half the time he's talking to me as if I'm another, then others he's silently asking me to be more."

"You'd rather have an answer than parts of one," she says, nodding.

Callum can't believe it himself. He could've avoided all of this, but he chose to be there for Ben simply because he didn't want to face the outcome of saying otherwise.

"My question is, _again_ — why are you doing this?"

Callum almost trips over his own tongue, the words _because I like him_ so easily constructed in his head. But he can't admit that to Kathy, not when she knows this was all meant to be a facade anyway.

"To be honest, I don't know," Callum looks down to the sand between his legs, the ocean already starting to creep up even more.

"Callum, you can say whatever you want here. There's no judging, alright? I care a lot about Ben, he's my son, but I also care about the people in his life that make him happy," Kathy pauses, notices how Callum hangs on to every word, looking up again as she mentions the word happy. "You deserve that happiness too, and I don't know much of your story, but I know that even if you and my son aren't together, the things you were doing, smiling and laughing and pretending — they're not that far from the truth."

Pip gets up and starts chasing the waves again, and Callum is left trying to find words. He came out here to think, not have Ben's own mother say how much he's been telling the truth all along.

Maybe it's better to admit the truth.

"I'm alone," he says, laughing as if somehow it'll ease the pain of admitting it. "My family is god knows where, my best mate is moving on and finding her own love. And I know she won't be one of those people to forget me but I — I don't have anyone."

Kathy sips her coffee, taking a deep breath. She knows Callum isn't finished, that he needs to let this out.

"I only came out recently, and the first person I came out to was the person I've been lying to."

"Is she your best mate now?"

"Yeah," Callum smiles. "She's lovely."

"Then you didn't do anything to hurt her."

"No, I did," looking out to Pip, he remembers the very face Whitney made when she found out. "I was lying to her, making her fall in love with me, and I couldn't give anything back to her because I didn't know what to do — every time I tried to be there for her, _love her,_ I just felt so empty, as if it was never enough."

Kathy listens. She's in no position to give advice, but she's aware that Callum needs someone to listen. Granted, he might not be aware of it, pouring his heart out, but she imagines that Callum either tells the truth in full or none of it.

"And it's the same thing now," he sniffs. "I don't feel like I'm enough for him, or I'm too much."

He takes a breather, falling back to the sand, eyes up to the pastel purple of the sky again, orange and red blooming more vibrantly. Some of the stars still shine.

"Ben—" his name feels heavy, as if anything he says now will somehow find its way back to him, that Kathy will judge whatever thoughts and feelings he has about Ben. 

Callum can see and tell that Kathy isn't like that, but the anxiety in his chest, tingling and cold at the back of his throat, it's alarming how much he fears the truth.

He's been chasing it, trying to find it for half his life — and now he's here, admitting it to empty sand and cold waves.

"I think I — _I think I love him."_

A wave crashes at Callum's feet, and the cold temperature sends a chill that ricochets up his body. But then, it's not the cold, it's the shattering weight of finally opening his heart and pulling out that big, weighted four letter word.

Kathy smiles, away from Callum's eyesight, and even feels tears brewing somewhere as they sting.

He'd ask _what now_ but there's a quake in his chest, more thoughts, more words clogged up that make it hard to breathe, so much so that he hiccups, and there's salt on his cheek.

Callum can feel the tear roll down to his ear, arms coming up to cover his face, trying to muffle the sounds that break between chapped lips.

He has no idea why he's crying. There's so much inside him, so many terrifying emotions and fragile ones that he's not sure which one he needs to focus on first. So they merge, place weight on his chest, make him feel guilty about something that's not even his fault.

"I don't know why I do," Callum continues, Kathy still looking ahead. "He's not the first guy, but — he's the first one, the first one I know I'm in love with. The first one I've been with—"

"But he doesn't feel the same?" replies Kathy, a little resistance in her throat because hearing Callum talk like this, far from the smiles and laughter; a broken Callum could break anyone in return.

"No," Callum breathes in, feels the push in his throat to cry again, but he holds it there until it hurts. "But I can't help but like who he becomes when he's around me. I've seen him, how happy he is when he just lets go of everything he tries to hide."

"That's you, Callum," now, she finally turns to him, still does even when Callum doesn't move from where he's hiding his face. "You wanna' know how I know?"

"Know about what?" there's two possible answers.

"How I know Ben feels the same," Kathy respects the pause, Callum's legs moving up, a deep breath rocking his chest.

"Do I want to?"

"Maybe," she says, shrugging. "It might help you realise it's not all that bleak, but at the same time, it's hard to get honesty out of him."

"I think I know that by now," laughs Callum, sniffing and wiping his eyes against the back of his wrist. He brings his arms away from his face now, placing them on his stomach, looking up to the sky again.

The purple has almost gone.

"I figured out you two weren't real _because_ of Ben, not you," Kathy looks back to the sea once more, taking a sip of her coffee. "Unfortunately, my Ben thinks he's the smoothest bloke around, but it's not true in the slightest."

Callum sits up, blank expression on his face despite the red puff of his eyes from trying not to cry and failing partly.

"What?"

"Ben, when you'd look away from him after smiling, he'd linger on you, as if wishing you to turn back and do it again. Even at dinner, when you'd offer your jacket, Ben _always_ tried to keep it, because every time you took it back, he'd shrink, like he's not just cold," Kathy gestures around her. "And then this, inviting you on holiday when you're just mates, or whatever type of mates you are to a family holiday we do every year — he's in denial."

Callum knows that, but Kathy must mean something else entirely, not just denying feelings.

"He invited you to prove himself wrong, that you're not able to be in his life, around his family — and he was probably hoping you'd have left by now. But you're still here, and I think Ben's made it worse for himself, because all he ever seems to do when he thinks no one is looking is stare after _you."_

Something tickles in Callum's stomach, and he soon realises it's butterflies, awake for the first time in what feels like months. 

But they don't last long.

"It doesn't matter though, does it?" replies Callum, picking at the sand between his thighs as he rests his legs. "No matter what I do, he'd rather pretend to be something we're not than actually — _be it._ You know, to be together."

Kathy bites her tongue, sighs up to the sky and takes a momentary pause to sip her coffee. She hasn't missed how Callum still hasn't drank any of his beverage since arriving.

"Have you tried talking to him?"

Callum shakes his head even though Kathy can't see it, "We've sort of… talked around it, avoided it directly. He's given me enough to know it's not what he wants. I'm afraid of what he'll say."

"I think you both are," Kathy stands up, leaving Callum as the waves start to creep closer, the tip of them still reaching Callum's toes.

They're afraid of the rejection they both fear, of never being enough, so they hang on to the time they _are_ enough.

For a moment, the pair share silence, listening to the ocean, how calming it is.

"You think I should talk to him?" asks Callum, looking up at her and seeing her smile down towards him.

"I think you should try, at least. He's not good at talking about this kind of thing, hell, he almost never opens up until it's too late. But I have a feeling he'll actually listen, and that's the first step."

Callum smiles for once, hopeful, head down with a little rush of excitement in his veins. He feels ready to jump up right now and go speak to Ben, to open up and finally say what he feels, but it dawns on him that the scenes in his head will probably almost never play out in real life.

"Callum?" Kathy breaks the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Don't give up on him."

\- - -

After his talk with Kathy, Callum is more hyper aware of Ben. Now he doesn't have to fake pretending so much since the one person they were trying to fool isn't fooled at all.

But Ben notices, almost sounds angry at the lack of small physical affections he used to do before. Although, he doesn't say it like anyone else, he says it like _Ben_ would.

"We broke up, then?" Ben asks, leaning across to him from the other side of the table as they wait for a race to start. The others have gone to get refreshments.

"What?" Callum looks up from his phone.

"You, ignorin' me. You didn't even sit next to me." Ben sounds rather irritated.

"I didn't realise there were rules for fake dating, and like I said, I'm doing this for Kathy, not you." 

"She's gonna' find out," Ben whispers louder, keeping his eyes locked with Callum.

"And is that a bad thing?" Callum asks, eyes down to his phone again, scrolling through his new messages from Whitney.

"You're in on this lie too," Ben says, adjusting again, as if he's almost ready to reach over and pull him next to his side. 

Callum huffs, shaking his head, "This is _your_ lie, not mine."

Suddenly, Callum realises how that might sound, but it's already too late, because silence follows after. He shouldn't look at Ben. He can't, and he won't. There's no point seeing an expression he already knows won't give anything back to him.

"Callum," and the way he says his name feels like someone is pulling at Callum's heart. "Two days left, that's all I'm asking."

Callum's hand clenches on the wood of the table, taking a deep breath. Shit. He got his hopes up for nothing, thinking that'd work so easily when he wasn't meant to say it in the first place.

"So…" starts Ben, leaving the air open.

"So?"

"You gonna' act like it, or?" Ben shrugs, leaves the invitation open, and the tone of his voice shows a hint, a _drop_ of care for how much Callum might be against it.

But Callum isn't having it. The only person he has to prove wrong now is Ben, how wrong he is in himself to see nothing between them.

So Callum stands up, Ben's lips parting to protest thinking he's leaving, but Callum sits back down next to him, hands already reaching out to cup his face, bringing him closer to kiss him.

And Ben _melts,_ shocked but easily falling into rhythm, sighing against his lips as Callum doesn't stop. If anything, Ben adds as much to it as he does, fingertips gripping the loose blue of his shirt.

That's a sign, isn't it? How Ben doesn't let go, how he holds on. But he could still be acting, fooling all of them, even Kathy who thinks she knows her son.

And it's that feeling, the unsettling cold in his stomach that he's also being fooled blind by Ben makes him break away, and Callum has his eyes open almost immediately to see Ben hovering near still, eyes closed in bliss.

Ben waits another second longer before opening his eyes, hand still gripped in Callum's shirt.

"They're not even here," whispers Ben, eyes down to his lips as he starts pulling Callum back to him.

"I know."

\- - -

Unfortunately, Ben wins another race. Callum didn't take part, but the smile on his face means Callum has to pretend just for Ben that he's _happy for his boyfriend._

So he kisses him, hands to his neck, moving to the back of Ben's hair before stepping back with the biggest smile he can muster. At least that isn't fake, the happiness he has for Ben winning.

"See? Easy." Ben winks, patting Callum's chest before moving in to kiss him again, trophy in the other hand.

Callum pretends he didn't see the advance, turning around to welcome the rest of Ben's family to their side. Kathy watches Ben frown confused towards Callum, only looking away towards Peter when he calls his name.

Kathy tries to meet Callum's eyes, but he's been avoiding it. He knows that every time he sees Kathy, he'll remember what he said to her, that he'll remember what he needs to do.

But being like this, a broken, small version of what he wants — he can live with it. Why risk losing what little he already has for the sake of more? Perhaps it just takes time with Ben, months and months of not realising it until suddenly he just comes out with it.

However, Callum does feel sick at the thought of it, images in his head playing out that Callum will be burnt out pretending to love _and_ loving for real at the same time if he keeps on this way.

_Shit._

She's right. And now, Callum realises she didn't say that for the sake of her son, because she said it for Callum. Kathy doesn't want to see a good guy hurt so badly by no fault other than his own. Granted, it's Ben's fault too, but Callum is too nice, too open about letting him in and then wondering why it feels so empty without him when Ben walks away.

He meets her eyes for a second, arm around Ben's shoulders, and the smile Kathy gives him is nothing short of solemn. She feels for Callum, how much he's being pushed back by the love he has for Ben, scared of what it'll do to them in an already fragile situation.

They all linger around the track for a few more minutes, Callum feeling more sick by the second, sky blurry and fingertips cold.

"Callum?" a voice says, but Callum's too focused on his own feet. "Callum?"

"Yeah?" is his first response, looking up to see Ben scanning over his face.

"You alright? You look a bit pale," Ben brings his hand up to his cheek, presses his thumb and brushes it just under his eye.

Callum wants to cry.

_No, I'm not._

_I think I love you and I'm scared._

_Because you'll never love me back._

_But then why do this? Why care so much?_

_Stop lying to me—_

Callum brushes his hand away, steps aside and breathes in. Ben looks partly broken at the rejection, forgetting the mask he wears so easily.

"I'm— I need an early night," he says, trying to smile, but it just breaks seconds after. Callum turns away, ignores Ben calling after him one more time as he heads back to the hotel.

More sleep won't make him forget, and time away will only make him yearn more. But he can't stand it, can't stand feeling so unbearably alone when he's technically with someone.

And it doesn't feel like he can breathe until he shuts the hotel room door behind him, back to the wood, eyes closed.

He's going to lose Ben. 

Feelings are involved now, and that's dangerous.

And it's even more painful when night falls and Ben arrives back to the room _wasted._ He shuffles into the room, heavy feet dragging, humming some sort of song. Callum's back is turned to him and pretending to sleep, because he hasn't managed to get a wink, thinking about the very guy mumbling behind him.

 _"Oh,_ I've got a story to tell _you,"_ starts Ben, stumbling to a stop when he realises Callum's asleep. "Well, I'll tell you tomorrow, then," and he falls onto the bed.

Callum thinks the worst is over, knowing Ben got drunk, more than he did the other night. He tries not to think he did it because Callum wasn't there, but he's proven wrong.

 _"Missed my boyfriend tonight,"_ he starts again, and Callum can't see him, but he knows he's pursing his lips, forehead resting on Callum's shoulder.

Callum wants to turn around and hug him.

"But you're _not,_ are you?" Ben mumbles again, his breath warm on Callum's skin. The melodic, drunk tone from before has mellowed to something built with uneven pieces.

Callum should answer back, says he's awake, but part of him wonders what else will fall from Ben's loose lips.

"I hope you don't," he says, and Ben moves his head away, sniffing. "I'd ruin you, _good ol' me._ That's what I do, _always_ have."

There's more shuffling, Ben laying back and staring towards the ceiling.

"I tried it once, but it didn't turn out so well. Got my heart broken, hurts like shit," and then Ben's moving again, and for a moment, Callum thinks that's it. But there's fingertips at the back of his neck, delicate, as if Ben's afraid to break him. "You're a good guy. You deserve so much more than me."

He hiccups, and Ben stops talking. There's a thought he's awoken Callum, but Callum remains still.

"Ah, _shit._ I've already done it, ain't I? _Lying_ to you, making you come on this holiday and makin' it a chore," Ben hiccups again, moving his head further into his pillow. "Mmm. I don't wanna' hurt you but… I also don't wanna' lose you. You know?"

Ben grunts, calling himself silly in his head.

"But I did miss you," slurs Ben, forehead against Callum's back. _"Fuck._ _I miss you all the time."_

_God, how much did he drink?_

Callum breathes out, tries to blink away the war in his eyes.

"I was wrong, proved it just. You're — _annoying,"_ he nuzzles more into Callum, and then he stops. There's a small sob, not enough to cry, but Callum feels the strangled breath against his skin. _"Just wanna'…"_ and Ben stops, slurs his words into silence.

And Callum waits, always has, always will. But he's met with silence, the heavy, overbearing truth of it.

\- - -

FIFTH DAY, SATURDAY

Callum awakes to Ben already gone from the bed. On one part, he's relieved, standing up on shaky legs to head towards the bathroom. Secondly, he's worried about Ben remembering everything he said in his drunken daze last night.

Unlucky for him, because as Callum rubs his palm against the side of his head, he opens the door to Ben, sitting on the bathroom floor with his back against the shower door.

Ben meets his eyes, and Callum hasn't seen him in such a state. Messy hair, drooping shoulders, an air about him that makes Callum wary about what he should and shouldn't say. Looks like he's feeling the effects of a hangover, toilet seat up still a few steps away.

 _"Go on then,"_ spits Ben. "Say _whatever_ you wanna' say."

Callum wishes he could, but instead, he takes one step closer.

"What?"

Ben huffs, head falling back to thump against the glass, "That I look like a mess. Well, _congratulations,_ because I fucking feel like one too."

Ignoring him, Callum steps closer, kneels down to see his face closer. His cheeks are red, but his skin is almost sickly pale.

"Headache?"

"Banging," replies Ben, head lulling as he brings it back down. "Gonna' mother me? How I shouldn't drink so much?"

Callum clicks his tongue, reaching for Ben's hand and taking hold of it. Ben grunts, pulling away from his grip.

"Just — leave me alone. Go get breakfast or something," Ben looks towards the wall, and Callum would think he's trying to avoid him.

"Ben, you can't just sit on the floor," he says, hand falling to Ben's again, and for a moment, Ben's fingertips hold him so faintly.

"I kissed someone else."

It's similar to an ice bucket thrown at his back, the way his bones just cease, gears locking. Callum feels tears well up way quicker than they should, and they _shouldn't._

They're not exclusive. They're not anything.

Callum swallows, and it feels like needles scratching against the side. _God,_ why does hearing that hurt so much?

Why can't he look Ben in the eye?

Ben is almost daring him, wanting to see how he reacts, wanting to see if the thundering and burning guilt he feels is mirrored somehow in Callum 

"Did Kathy see?" is the only thing Callum can muster, focusing on why he's here, not the slow, almost torturous grind of his heart against his ribs.

Ben swallows before he speaks, "No."

"That's good, then," Callum stands up, his feet controlling him more than he realises as he turns towards the sink.

Ben's eyes remain where Callum once kneeled.

"You're not bothered?"

Callum sees his fingertips go white around the edges of the porcelain, but he doesn't feel it. He's starting to lose control over what he feels, keeping it buried deep just for the sake of both of them.

His head drops, Ben still not looking towards him.

Ben would repeat the question, but the way Callum stands back up, breathes in and pulls a fresh towel from the rack — he has his answer.

_Of course it fucking does._

Callum wets part of the towel, turning around and kneeling to give it to Ben.

"Pinch it at the top of your nose, should loosen the pressure. Don't press too hard, though."

Ben just stares at the fabric in faint disbelief. Not of the towel — because of _Callum._

_"Why?"_

Callum blinks, not sure what Ben means. He watches Ben bite his bottom lip, shaking his head before snatching the towel, head slightly to the side as he follows what Callum's said. 

The cold of the floor feels like it's swallowing Ben, a far, far away feeling to how warm Callum held him that Thursday night.

He wants that so badly, _so bad —_ and he's just fucked up his chances of it happening again. No matter how kind Callum is, there's a line he's drawn somewhere, and this might be it.

Callum smiles, but Ben watches it break, and it's like an aftershock the way he feels it in his shoulders. They sting, weight pushing down again.

Ben hears Callum speaking, but he doesn't register it. The door closes on the bathroom, Ben now alone in a room that feels as cold as his heart does.

He remembers it, last night. He remembers what he said to Callum when he got back, and the guy he kissed ten minutes before.

Tall, alright on the eyes — nothing like Callum, but that was the point. He wanted to prove himself wrong, prove that the only reason he can't get Callum out of his head is because of how much he's around.

But Ben found out the only thing he could prove wrong was the kiss, how he shouldn't have done it.

Because he's losing the best part of him — _Callum._

\- - -

Callum is way too nice to be real. At least, that's what Ben thinks throughout the day.

They walk as a group through the main square of the event, Lexi on Callum's shoulders as he talks with Lola.

Ben is behind him, eyes to the back of his head, and the sun that beams overhead isn't helping the hangover that still clings to him. Kathy still suspects nothing from what Ben can see, but he's realising now how much of a struggle it is.

Callum does this so easily, a natural aura about him that makes everyone smile or feel respected. He pisses Ben off, a lot, probably too much.

_Get out of my head._

Jay pats his shoulder with more force than necessary.

"Careful there, mate. You look awfully lonely and also _not_ in love," he nods towards Callum. "Trouble in fake paradise?"

Peter snorts beside him.

"Shut up, will you?" Ben nudges him, still squinting because of the sun _and_ his headache. For a moment, he just thinks about pulling Callum into him and falling asleep in his arms.

Shit. Callum is doing this to him.

"Oh, quiet down. It's just a joke!" Peter messes up his hair, and Ben is two seconds away from pushing him into a market stool.

But then Callum turns around, hearing the commotion. He meets Callum's eyes just as the sun is blocked behind him, and he's framed by light once more as he smiles.

Ben could cry. _God. He likes him._

This is bad.

\- - -

Ben and Callum both help in packing a 4x4 they've rented for the night with all the stuff they need for the family picnic. Peter went with Callum to buy the stuff and help carry it back since it's not too far away.

And now, shutting the door, Callum sighs. Ben sees an opportunity.

"Bread rolls too heavy for you?" he jokes, brushing his hands together.

_No, but the unbearable weight of knowing you love someone is._

But Callum can't say that, so he just laughs, or tries to fake one and heads back over to the group waiting a few steps away. 

They head out soon after, everyone singing along to some pop tune on the radio, and Ben smiles at how Callum seems carefree, joining in. He's at the wheel so he can't turn and look at Callum in the back without making it obvious, but he can hear Lexi laughing and Callum laughing along with her.

And the good atmosphere continues well into the set up of the fire pit, stones around a hole dug out and Callum starting a fire. They've found a nice spot a ten minute drive down the coast, no one else around, fields behind them and sand beneath their toes.

It's already close to dusk, and Ben looks out to the sun, waiting for the dance of colours he knows so well. He loves the dawn more, but dusk is something else. It's goodbye, in a sense. A goodbye to a day he can no longer change, and it's that pocket between dusk and dawn under the cover of night that he can hide in, where there's no light except the moon that's never bright enough to make him feel warm.

Callum talks to Kathy and Lola while he sits on one of the fold out chairs, staring out to the sea and wanting to jump in.

"You still want to go for that walk later?" asks Callum, coming up to him at an angle as the fire crackles behind him.

Ben is a bit taken back. With no response from Callum earlier and barely speaking to him throughout the day, he imagined Callum didn't want to do what Ben originally suggested.

But Callum has a sweet smile, small and private. Just for Ben.

"Yeah," replies Ben, adjusting in the chair. "Yeah. 'Course."

Callum nods, "Cool."

And they share a smile. It's odd, the amount of butterflies he has from something so innocent. And Ben Mitchell doesn't do _butterflies._

The family settles into casual conversation. The ocean breeze isn't as chilly with the fire crackling in the middle of their circle. Callum does most of the cooking, and Ben doesn't talk much at all.

He does have a smile on his face, though. Watching Callum laugh, interacting with his family as if he has been for years. It feels nice to have another heart join his found family.

But then Callum turns to look at him mid laugh, warm reds and oranges from the fire shifting all over the angles of his face.

Callum's laughter fades out, but he doesn't lose the smile, and Ben smiles himself. It seems like some sort of silent agreement, and Callum turns away, blush high on his cheeks.

Ben feels the butterflies again, but guilt washes over him like a wave when he remembers this morning. Callum's only pretending, isn't he?

It's even more apparent he might be when they leave for the walk, a few teases from Jay following after them. Callum doesn't have any shoes on, and neither does Ben, leaving them behind under their chairs.

Ben doesn't know what to say, so the silence from Callum is equally worrying. Especially as he comes to a stop five minutes into the walk, shirt folding in the wind that brushes past.

Callum stares out to the setting sun, sighs at the warmth that swallows him when the wind fades out. Ben stops, too, but he doesn't choose to catch up, steps away from Callum in front but feeling so far away.

"Can I ask you something?" asks Callum, looking down to the water as it swirls into the imprint of his foot in the sand.

"Yeah," says Ben, the _anything_ left out in fear he'll be asked something he can't answer.

"Did you kiss the guy for a reason?"

Ben feels a metaphorical punch to his gut. He closes his eyes, pushes his tongue to the backs of his teeth before shrugging.

"I was drunk," Ben replies, almost too quiet for Callum to hear, Ben's words carried with the sea air.

"So it was nothing?" Callum holds on to some silly, burning hope that Ben will say no, and he can close the distance and kiss him for real.

"It was something," but the shaky ground beneath them starts to split. "To me, anyway."

Callum parts his lips, ghostly words on his tongue he can't quite bring himself to say.

"Okay." 

Voice void of tone, any emotion, and yet it slices Ben's spine just as much.

Ben blinks, "Okay?"

"What else do I say to that?" Callum shrugs, bringing one hand from his pockets to gesture between them. "It's like _you_ said, isn't it? We're not dating, we're playing around with it like some sort of joke."

"Oh come on, Callum," sighs Ben, turning away before turning back again, wolves nipping at his ankles. "You agreed to this too. You're going along with it."

Callum sniffs, bites his tongue. _Don't say it._

Ben fears the silence, because then what he said will come true. He's drowning, and the surface is an arms reach away.

"Right, yeah," Callum shuts the door for his feelings one more time, but the hinge is weak, barely hanging on. "Well — I'm not."

Another impact against Ben's chest. He doesn't say anything, just watches and listens.

"This isn't — this isn't fake to me. Not anymore," Callum turns his head away, hoping the warmth of the sun will dry his tears before they fall. _"Fuck._ It never has been, not to me."

_No —_

_Callum don't say any more —_

But Callum can't read minds, and even if he could, there's no way in any hell he'd be able to read Ben's.

"I can't lie about this, about _us._ I know you don't feel the same and you never will, but I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend you're nothing to me—" Callum turns back, eyes on Ben for a second before falling to his feet. "You're so much more to me than a lie."

Still, Ben is silent. Callum closes his eyes, squeezes them shut so the moisture fades. It doesn't work like that, but he tries, because Ben isn't saying anything back and he wonders how long he can stand there before Ben draws a bow and fires the truth back at him.

So he smiles, broken, tear on his bottom lip.

"Well, that's awkward, isn't it?" Callum laughs, gentle but fading to a near sob. 

Callum is made for love, warm and bright. Ben was, but it was stolen from him, thumb and forefinger to a flame, squeezing the warmth until there's nothing but smoke in his lungs.

And it feels the same now as Callum walks past him, Ben staring on, the breeze he makes closing out the spark in his heart. 

He's gone when Ben finally breathes in, turning around to see Callum heading back to the others, their walk cut short because feelings got in the way.

They always do, don't they?

Ben's lost Callum, already did. Callum just hid it, pretended for Ben instead of both of them. And even then, Ben didn't either, because he stupidly kept Callum around even after he drove away that first night.

He's always been under his skin, the mystery from the start, the one thing he can't chase and the one thing he can't run from.

Stationary, stuck at crossroads.

When Ben returns, the atmosphere has shifted, Kathy avoiding him. If it wasn't obvious yet, it is now, as even the constant, almost default smile on Callum's face is gone. 

Ben hates it. Wants to beg for it to come back.

It's true, what his Dad said, that he wouldn't know what to do with love if he ever found it again.

\- - -

The journey back to the hotel is occasional talk of food, the atmosphere picking up speed again despite the main catalyst out of action, staring out the window towards the lonely moon. 

Ben keeps looking in his side mirror to catch his face, but it's even further away in the mirror than he is in real life. It really is all one big metaphor.

And as the night prompts the usual nightly send offs, Ben and Callum share a silent, slow elevator up to their floor. It continues well into the room, where Callum hovers in the central bit before sitting down on the bed, head in his hands.

Ben hangs near the door, hands shaking in his pockets. He's the one that has to do it, to end it, because Callum won't.

He's probably not even capable of it, Callum, ending something he tried so hard to keep close. It's always been Ben, easily shredding hearts away from hands, warmth away from love.

Ben steps until he stands near Callum, hands in his pockets. 

"We can't do this anymore," he says, and Callum doesn't move. He's already aware.

At least not until the words sink in, a permanent tattoo, heavy and making his arms fall to rest on his legs. Callum's head hangs, only lifting it towards Ben when he doesn't say anything else.

Seconds pass.

"We can't," repeats Ben, eyes on Callum, lips parted as if he wants to say something else.

Callum nods, words lost, stolen somewhere on that beach when he walked away. What _is_ there to say? Staring heartbreak in the face?

And Callum wants to scream, wants to whisper into Ben's skin so he'll feel it instead of hear it — maybe then he won't leave.

_Why does it have to end?_

Ben keeps his eyes on him still, still does when he speaks again, _"We can't do this anymore."_

Suddenly, he feels as if he's just saying it to himself, repeating it, Ben trying to make himself believe there's no possible outcome for them.

Callum shakes his head, almost completely unnoticeable. But there's no use, not when Ben's face wont show any hint.

Thing is, Ben doesn't listen to reason, doesn't listen to the snakes on his shoulder moving to strangle him, past words cold against his skin.

Because Ben steps forward, lips against Callum's before his hands even reach the sides of his head.

And they fall into a familiar rhythm, kissing as if it's their last, Callum pulling Ben closer as he steps his knees either side of his thighs.

Ben doesn't want it to end no matter how much he tells himself, almost a prayer in his head that tries to stop him from removing his own shirt, kissing along Callum's jaw, almost desperate thinking that Callum will slip between his fingers like a memory.

But Callum keeps kissing him, holding him, hugging him as he bites at his lip. They don't need to say anything, not when Ben pushes against his chest making Callum fall back. Their eyes say it all.

_This is the last time._

_\- - -_

Callum blinks his eyes open, Ben's sleeping frame half over him, almost clinging to him as the sheets are still somewhat tangled between them.

He has a moment where he smiles, fingertips delicate down his spine until the reality feels like a foot to his teeth. And Callum stops smiling, turning away towards the ceiling.

His phone rings on the table, and Callum reaches for it as his eyes catch the screen lighting up.

He squints, seeing _WHITNEY_ as the person calling. Callum lets it go unanswered, but Callum will call her back later.

Until he decides against it. Five more minutes in Ben's arms will only give him more time to miss knowing it's all over. 

So Callum shifts, tries not to wake Ben as he breaks away from his hold. Thankfully, he doesn't, eyes lingering on the kiss that lingers on Ben's shoulder before walking towards the balcony with his phone.

He presses the call button as he leans on the railing. It takes a few seconds, but eventually, Whitney's voice flows through the speaker.

 _"Hey, you!"_ Whitney sounds happy, and it blooms a small smile on Callum's face.

"Hey to you too," he replies. "Care to explain why you're calling at midnight?"

_"You mean you forgot? It was my date today!"_

Ah. _Shit._

 _"Whit.._ I'm so sorry," his head pounds. There's too much going on.

 _"Don't worry, I know you're on holiday. You needed the break,"_ Callum almost laughs. So much for a break, because he shouldn't have come in the first place.

"Enough about that," because Callum doesn't want to talk about it. "How did it go?"

 _"Where do I even start — oh! She took me to this gorgeous restaurant. I'm talkin' chandeliers, wine tasting, some guy playing a piano,"_ Whitney sounds completely in love. Callum thinks she already is. _"But we didn't even do any of the fancy stuff!"_

"No wine tasting?"

_"Nope. We just ordered everything we could and stuffed our faces. God, you should see the chocolate cake they had, you would've needed new teeth even for your sweet tooth."_

Callum laughs. Trust Whitney to make him feel better.

_"And we… kissed? A few times. She drove me back to my flat and well — the rest is history!"_

_"Wow,_ look at you!" Callum looks up towards the cloud cover. "A real love story, this."

_"You think so?"_

"You callin' me a liar? I've seen you around each other. It's like you're incapable of being apart from her," Callum adjusts his stance, smiling for real now. He can almost forget the way he can feel his heart crumbling from waking up in a reality where he and Ben are over. "Have you decided on another date?"

 _"You're too sweet!"_ Whitney coos, and she's quick to reply. _"Yes! We're planning another date for next week."_

"Oh, Whit. I'm really happy for you," he could almost cry, hearing how happy she is, knowing she's found love deserving of her. "And how was the dress?"

_"Well, it definitely worked!"_

They both laugh, and Callum feels homesick after.

"Can I meet up with you Monday?"

_"Sure, what time will you be back?"_

Callum bites his tongue again, unsure if he should say it, "I think I'm gonna' head back tomorrow."

Silence crackles through the speaker. Whitney already knows what's up, but she doesn't know if Callum is comfortable talking about it.

_"Bad weather?"_

"We've been lucky, to be honest."

_"Ben?"_

_Of course she knows._

And hearing his name, it's like an immediate reaction, the way his chest folds inwards, chin to his chest as he tries to contain the rocking of his lungs.

 _"I fucked up, Whit,"_ he cries, one hand pressing on the back of his neck, the other almost crushing his phone. _"I just wanna' go home."_

 _"Callum…"_ and now Whitney sounds broken too, the guilt piling up in tonnes on Callum's head. He's ruining her night.

Whitney hears his sniff, the metallic crackle of the sob he lets out.

"I'm sorry — can I — can I talk to you when I get back?"

_"Of course, Callum. Always. You know that, right?"_

He nods, even though she's not here. But Whitney allows him time, knowing someone is there on the other end of the phone until Callum decides it's enough.

"I'm happy for you, I really am," he says, smile in his voice that's partly broken. Whitney hates his voice like that.

_"Love you, Callum."_

"Love you too," he replies, hearing the muffled _night_ Whitney gives, Callum giving one in return.

And he pushes his legs back, drops his head to folded arms and tries to brush away the moisture on his cheeks. He's so weak, so undeniably broken and it _hurts._

After a minute, he steps back inside, closing the balcony door quietly. He doesn't even want to get back into bed, knowing if he does, Ben will either wake up hugging him again or Callum will.

So he grabs his coat, one arm through the sleeve when he hears Ben speak.

 _"You're leaving tomorrow?"_ mumbles Ben, head turning to face him.

"Yeah," says Callum, another arm through his coat. "I'll pack in the morning."

Ben pauses.

"Okay."

Callum pockets his phone, his car keys, and Ben's speaking up again.

"Where you goin'?"

"To sleep in the car, go for a drive," Callum shrugs even if he can only see Ben's back, not his face. "Don't know."

Ben doesn't reply, just pulls the duvet up to his shoulders and stays quiet.

Callum shuts the door behind him.

\- - -

SIXTH DAY, SUNDAY

Ben almost knocks into Callum on his way out of the hotel room. Callum locks eyes with him before looking away, stepping aside to get into the room.

Ben looks back, watching him pick up his empty suitcase and drop it onto the bed. He pauses, and then starts packing.

Slamming the door, Ben has a face of thunder when he heads for the breakfast hall. Peter walks the opposite way when he sees him.

He doesn't talk to anyone, only Lexi, putting on a fake act that receives a kick to his shin under the table from Lola.

"This is _your_ fault," Lola says, whispering across the table, Kathy at the other end. "You messed with him and now it's backfiring."

"I'm not the one that got feelings."

 _"Crying out loud,_ Ben. You're insufferable," argues Lola, put off her breakfast as she leaves the table, leading Lexi outside to get some ice cream.

Ben isn't hungry either, tapping his fork against the plate until the image of Callum crying out on the balcony comes back.

_I fucked up, Whit._

He feels it, the pinch at the back of his eyes. Callum thinks it was him when it was Ben all along. If he wasn't so stubborn, skin soaked in steel, he could be sat across from Callum talking about what they're going to do for the last day.

But Callum's upstairs, packing, heading home in a few hours.

And like magic, Callum's voice mumbles near. He's talking to Kathy, face void of the pain Ben saw mere minutes ago. God, he was always better at this, and yet Callum was the one to feel before Ben did.

Who knows how much Ben has stretched his heart, torn it.

Kathy looks sad, standing up to hug Callum.

"But at least come to one more meal before you head back?"

Callum shrugs, "I don't know if I can, Kathy."

"For me? Please? I don't know when I'll get to see you again, and I'll miss you!" She says, hands on his arms.

"Alright," Callum laughs, hugging her again. "I'm gonna' head out and get some last minute gifts. Can you get Lola to text me when you plan to do it?"

"Oh, sure!" she says, patting his cheek and bringing out that smile before he walks away again, black jeans and denim jacket.

Ben sulks, crunches his toast with a bit too much force. This didn't go to plan at all.

And to say he's nervous hours later in the same restaurant they've been in for the past few days would be an understatement.

He didn't walk in with Callum, and he's going to walk out without him. Ben takes a seat near Kathy, seat left open beside him for Callum if somehow he's still going to pretend for one last time.

Ben melts into the atmosphere, conversation between him and his family as easy as ever. At least until Lola sits in the seat he was saving for Callum, and Ben frowns.

She shakes her head, and for a moment, he thinks that means Callum isn't coming, but he appears in the distance just over Kathy's shoulder. Ben smiles, but it falls from his face when Callum takes a seat opposite him.

He gives a small smile towards Ben, and the ground beneath them starts slipping.

"The clouds look angry outside," Callum says, picking up the menu as everyone asks what he means.

Ben's just lost on his face, suddenly regretting every word he's ever said about it being over. He's going to miss this, because not only is he losing Callum and their late nights, he's losing _Callum — the best friend._

_Fuck._

But Ben swallows the guilt, keeps his head held high even though the teeth of regret bite into his neck.

The evening goes smooth, and for a moment, Ben forgets all about the fact that once it's over, he'll never see Callum again.

And even then, it's never that easy, is it?

Because Kathy turns to Ben near the end of the meal, unsuspecting. "So, when were you gonna' tell me the truth?"

The table falls silent. To Ben's shock, turning from Kathy to Callum, Callum doesn't seem phased.

"You _told_ her?" snaps Ben.

And Callum frowns, putting his fork down, "What?"

"You told her we aren't together?" Ben forgets Lexi is a few seats away.

"We _aren't,"_ replies Callum, venom in his words. Ben feels like he's been slapped across the face.

Kathy speaks up after, "He never told me anything," and Kathy waits until Ben looks back to her. _"You_ told me."

Ben scoffs, looking between everyone. Cornering a lone wolf is never smart.

 _"I never—"_ he starts, shaking his head before standing up, fire thundering in his chest as he starts to walk away from the table.

Someone grips his arm, and he looks back to Callum, plead in his eyes.

Ben pulls away, continues on his way to the exit when he's greeted with smothering rain, cold and sticking to his skin. But he starts walking, keeps walking as the street lights flicker on.

 _"Ben!"_ a voice shouts, and when it sounds again, he knows it's Callum.

So he stops, wants to hear him out. Partly because he can pick out blame that points it in another direction instead of himself.

The rain muffles his footsteps, but he stops at arms length from Ben, staring at his back like he'll never see that smile he loves again.

_"Ben—"_

_"No,"_ he says, swinging round. "You went behind my back, told her everything."

"I didn't tell her anything, she's known all along," Callum gestures to Ben. "It was _you —_ you made it obvious."

"Bullshit. You're the one leaving a day earlier with some crap excuse," Ben goes to turn around again, but he stops halfway. "And I'm glad you're leaving, because I'm sick of you."

Callum feels burnt, then suddenly cold as the rain picks up. 

"You don't mean that," he says, voice already cracking with how much those words splintered inside Callum.

"I do! You're always so perfect, always loved by everyone. I'm tired of it, how I— _chase_ after you like some sort of crush."

Callum takes a step, "I'm right here, Ben. There's no chasing. It's _you_ that's running away."

Ben laughs, shakes his head, "Whatever you say, Callum. Don't matter no more, does it? We're over."

He starts to walk away, but his feet drag, heavier than they were seconds earlier.

"We aren't," Callum says, almost whispers as his damp fringe falls forward.

Ben stops again. He doesn't turn, but listens to him.

"We weren't anything, just two idiots trying to understand what love is when we've never had it," and that's the moment Ben turns around, storms after him, pushing against his chest.

"You _don't_ get to say that — you _don't_ know how I feel," Ben's lip wobbles, steel walls taking a beating. "Fuck you, Callum."

He shakes his head, and Ben stares him down, _daring_ Callum to try and take another swing with words.

But Callum will. 

He digs in, breaks the last hinge on the door that's held everything back before and steps through.

"You weren't the first man I ever loved," Callum bites his lip, looks away for a moment before he swings back, eyes closed. "But I was hoping you'd be the last."

Ben's stomach drops.

"I don't want fleeting romances, on and off late nights," his hands squeeze together, cold in the rain, tingles in his fingertips before he gestures them towards Ben. "I wanted _you."_

Those words, hitting home, warming him in the rain felt so far out of reach before. And now Ben's been given them with bloody hands, a weak soul behind them. It's too late to take them now.

"Callum—"

"I wanted to learn how to love, Ben. I felt that with you, when you kiss me, when you _smile_ at me and I — I want that, for a _long_ time." Callum would say a lifetime, but giving his heart that much hope, that much promise of security is one way to easily break it.

For a moment, the pair stand in silence, rain falling, thunder cracking somewhere in the distance over the once blue, rich ocean. Now it's grey, as if the world is losing colour, knowing that he's losing Ben at the same time.

"I tried everything. I lied for you, tried to pretend I was something good for you, that in some other life you chose _me,"_ he prods at his own chest, watching Ben look down to the gesture. "And that maybe somehow, you'd do the same in this one."

"You _are_ good for me," Ben takes a step forward, voice breaking with how much his ignorance wants to block everything and walk away. It's like he's drifted around his heart, back to the only promising light he feels in there.

_"Then why won't you let me!"_

Callum's voice echoes down the street, and Callum shocks himself at his own tone. He can't bottle emotions like Ben can. There's an endless shelf for him to stack those bottles on — and for Callum, that isn't the case.

He carries them, drags them with him until the noise _is so loud_ he shatters every single one until there's nothing left. Callum can't pretend anymore. He can't pretend something that's _real._

Ben doesn't handle _this,_ though. Emotions, feelings — he's a class act at not needing them, forgetting and taking, not shoved at with relentless words that speak nothing but the truth.

"Kathy knew, she _knew_ we were lying," Callum turns around, shakes his head. He doesn't hear Ben moving at all, allowing the rain to hit his face, "In the end, I did it all for nothing, not even myself. I went into it knowing I'd never get anything back, that it'd be a smile here and there but nothing would be real—"

"It was—"

Callum turns back around, cuts him off.

"Was it? Really? You wouldn't say that if you weren't the one to suggest it, to ask me to be your _fake boyfriend_ so that you could get out of one, little conversation?" They should head inside, talk it out, not stand in the rain and suffer the consequence of a cold, but even something like that wouldn't hurt as much as this. "You _lied_ to me, Ben. You _lied."_

Ben frowns, suddenly lost as to why he'd say that. And the silence makes it worse, because Callum sniffs, hand to the side of his face as he pushes his fringe out the way.

He's not done, not yet.

"What about the car? Did you give me that just to keep me around?"

_"No—"_

"You made me believe that something I felt wasn't there, that everything we had, everything we did and could've done was just — _nothing._ It all meant _nothing_ to you."

He hates this, hates this broken image of Callum in front of him, his shoulders drenched, drooping from how little he has the will to stand up. Callum would've fallen to his knees by now if it weren't for the rough pavement beneath them.

 _"I loved you,"_ cries Callum, and the past tense echoes, shatters bone and turns Ben's mouth dry.

Nothing breaks him, twists Ben's chest between his ribs more then realising Callum loves him — that scary, four letter word that somehow means so much in this damp and dark world. 

Callum loves _Ben,_ loves the heartbreak, the _never good for anyone,_ the prodigal child that ran away because he couldn't sit on the throne no matter how hard he fought for it.

And yet Callum, the sweet, normal guy from down the street, past hidden under smiles and the will to make the world better and enjoy it as much as he can — _he_ loves Ben.

Somehow, someway, and Ben can't speak.

"Are you not gonna' say anything?" Callum's voice is breaking, throat sore, hand falling to his side as he looks towards Ben, eye contact held like it's the last time he'll see him.

Ben's cornered again. Faced with everything he's wanted, and yet he can't have it.

"Fun, ain't it? It's what we do, have a laugh. Friends do that."

"But they don't fall in love?"

Ben almost says _no,_ but he shrugs, "They can, but then there's no friends anymore after that."

"Well," Callum looks down, shuffles his feet. "That means we aren't friends either."

The expression on Ben's face falls, and for a moment, he thinks Callum smiles, but he's trying to stop himself from crying.

"Tell me _why,_ Ben," and he steps closer, Ben glued to the spot. "Tell me why you can't admit it."

Ben can't answer that, he won't. There's too much to say, too early. He'll never be ready to say it, ever.

"You're a fool, lovin' me, ain't you?" Ben tries to laugh, but there's tears in his eyes too.

Callum waits before he takes a step forward, placing his cold, rain kissed hands on Ben's cheeks, gentle, thumb catching a tear that Ben doesn't think he's let fall. The rain falls over their skin like tears too, but Callum can see them well up in Ben's eyes.

He knows this is Ben's first form of defence. Staring truth in the face and laughing at it. Ben has his past to thank for that — but Callum is his future, _could_ be his future, so blinding and too good to be true that Ben can't see it.

Ben feels he doesn't deserve it. Callum thinks different, always has.

"I can't spend my life waiting for you, Ben. I've wasted most of it lying to myself, and I can't do this, waiting for you to admit the same," his smile is so pained, eyes taking in every detail of Ben's face. 

Ben feels every bit of warmth in his body escape through Callum's hands, and he knows what that look means. Remembering him for a goodbye.

"And I know you feel the same," starts Callum once more, and Ben would protest against it, but he can't when he's staring at the truth right in front of him, the truth he can _feel_ in the way his heart settles under Callum's touch.

 _"I'm scared,"_ whispers Ben, hands clinging to the lapels of his coat. "Please— _I—_ "

But Callum can't help him, not with this.

He's scared of love, scared that learning it again will end in the same, voidless pain he still feels to this day.

Callum leans his head down, presses his forehead to Ben's as he watches him close his eyes. Ben might not be built for love, but _god_ does he want it, wants it so bad he feels sick with the anxiety of never having it again.

But he can't love Callum. He can't love what he's already broken.

Lips press to Ben's, gentle, barely there until his lungs fill with life, kissing Callum back one last time before they break, foreheads still together.

 _"I'm sorry,"_ whispers Callum, thumb wiping Ben's cheek. _"I'm sorry I wasn't the one to help you love again."_

Callum steps to the side, Ben mourning the loss of his warm hands as he becomes breathless, small tears falling down his face, leaving trails that the moonlight captures.

He can't even hear Callum walk away, the rain heavy in his ears, and Ben closes his eyes, the words from Callum louder than the thunder that cracks above them.

Ben lost him when he had Callum's love all this time. He built that love for Ben just for him to pull it back down, to put it aside and say he's not ready, that he doesn't deserve it.

He turns around, sees Callum walking in the distance, and his head pounds as he parts his lips to call him.

But his lungs can't help him, not when there's no energy. Ben's lost the warmth he felt, lost the sunlight every morning.

He lost the most important race of his life — to find love again. And Ben did, _god he did,_ but he didn't see it, too far ahead thinking he'd never find it.

Until Callum.

And now he's gone. Not a maybe, not the promises Ben whispered into his skin.

_Just another._


	18. drifting blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. Here we go! the final five chapters. this chapter is the foundations for them, so it might act like a filler but there should be a good few moments in here!
> 
> but FIRST — PLEASE give some love to these beautiful pieces of artwork, im so blessed to have beautiful and talented friends !!! Please go check out their work!!
> 
> — Callum, Lexi and Ben from Chapter 17 (link is broken for now, check back another time!)  
> —[Callum and Pip!](https://twitter.com/nomorewideeyes/status/1271258739497226240?s=19)
> 
> once again, thank you, Thank you SO much for your constant support. You know who you guys are, and this is turning out to be my first finished fic, and part of that is thanks to the countless love you guys give it, from twitter to tumblr.
> 
> I hope the final five chapters give the fic the goodbye you guys have graced with such a kind hello 
> 
> tw / alcohol, slight homophobia

_1 MONTH LATER_

_MONDAY_

\- - -

"Ready?" says Callum, holding a polaroid up towards Pip.

Chantelle and Whitney stand either side of him, and they all equally grow smiles as Pip manages to stay still this time.

 _"And—"_ the shutter clicks on his camera. _"Happy Birthday Pip!"_

She barks, tail wagging so much her entire body seems to move, and her tiny birthday hat they managed to get her to wear falls off to the side slightly.

"She's so cute!" Chantelle walks over to give her a hug, and the birthday girl is spoilt for attention as they all mingle around the middle of Callum's living room.

He's bought her a few gifts, from a new bed and blanket, to a new bone that helps clean her teeth. Chantelle and Whitney bought boxes of her favourite biscuits, but Pip loves nothing more than three people all simultaneously giving her a belly rub.

Callum laughs as she rolls around, her floppy ear falling off to the side when she stands back up.

"You're spoilt, you are," and Pip just, almost literally, leaps into the new bed Callum bought her. It's just the right size, and the blanket that goes over the top adds some extra comfort.

It's quite early, around lunch time, and Callum promised he'd make Whitney and Chantelle some lunch if they came round. They were anyway, for Pip, but as the couple that they are now, they're more concerned about Callum's wellbeing.

He hasn't spoken about the holiday, and it's been a _month,_ and yet the only hint Whitney got of how it went was that one phone call when he was miles away in the middle of whatever was hurting his heart.

Even when Callum got back, meeting up with Whitney as he promised he would, he didn't ask or talk about it. In fact, he did his best to avoid any mention of Ben, and Whitney didn't want to push.

So they've spent the last month treating Callum as if it never happened. Even when they've invited Callum out, going in Callum's car, he's had this defeated, solemn glance every time he drives. Hell, every time he looks at his car it's almost as if he doesn't want to get in it.

They both know it's bothering him, and they don't know the worst of it.

Callum broke down the night he got home, not even making it to the stairs before feeling his legs give way. Pip had been with him, having asked Lola for her before leaving. Of course, Lola asked about Ben, what he did, but Callum brushed past the conversation.

He remembers his own voice, the way it broke.

_I just wanna' go._

Because he did, at the time, but as soon as he got back, he wanted to drive to Ben's house and wait for him to come home. He would've said sorry, that it was his fault, and then the images of a calm and collected reunion would play out — holding Ben in his arms, kissing him as the world blooms in colour again.

But that's a far cry from what happened.

Callum cried, held his hands to his stomach at how sick he felt. Ben not only lied, but he couldn't admit to it, and the last few days of that holiday were literal hell.

Ben kissing someone else, Ben and Callum sleeping together with the false promise of it being the last time. _God —_ Callum's never wanted Ben to lie so badly, wanting what he said to be nothing but false armour.

What was a lie in the first place has honestly never felt so true.

Callum misses him. He misses him _so much._

And Callum's starting to crumble. Every time he sees Whitney and Chantelle laugh or smile, he thinks back to when he and Ben used to do it. He knows it's silly, that he shouldn't be jealous of the happiness his friends have but he can't help it.

It hurts to see love so pure and wonder why you aren't capable of it yourself.

The day goes smoothly, however. Only a few hours pass, and Callum dishes up a tasty meal for all of them, Pip eating one of her new bones.

They talk casually, mostly about work, about how Whitney's clothing line is booming with the added help of Chantelle. Of course, they _have_ to bring up Callum's part time model offer considering he did help, and it makes him blush for a moment until he remembers the rest of it.

The club. Ben. Their first time.

He feels sick, again.

Whitney notices how the life drains from his eyes, and she swiftly moves on to another subject, Chantelle catching on to what she's trying to do.

They do manage to lift the mood back up, Callum's short but welcome laughter appearing in spots before the mantra of _I'm fine_ circles his head so he can pretend he's not splintering inside.

He doesn't know how much more of this he can take.

"How's the job, Callum?" Chantelle asks, moving a bit of hair behind her ear.

"Oh," he shrugs. "It's alright. Nothing too fancy going on, but if I remember right, there's a themed night going on soon that'll be fun."

"What's the theme?" 

"Silver and gold," Callum moves his hand in the air like he's doing one, long wave. "Meant to be celebrating the eighteenth anniversary of the restaurant."

"That sounds so romantic! We'll have to find you a date," Whitney claps her hands together, hoping the energetic way in which she says it will deter Callum from thinking about _who_ he'd like to go with.

One name. Three letters.

He waves his hand again, fear clear on his face, "God, no! I'll be cooking remember? I'm the head chef! They'll want me for an event like that."

Chantelle and Whitney both equally share sad expressions. Callum hates that.

"I could, uh — book you guys a table in advance?" asks Callum, shrugging. Hopefully mentions of their relationship will stop them from trying to figure out Callum's. "It's next Friday, not this one coming, around nine at night."

"You would?" Whitney beams, hands together as she smiles. "That'd be _incredible."_

"Of course, anything for you guys," his smile is so sweet, but Chantelle is the one to spot the way it breaks, but Callum _will_ do anything for anyone.

Even Ben. He broke his own heart for him so that Ben didn't have to. He knows him, knows that it would've become unbearable to see Ben fighting with himself over all of this.

Chantelle stands up, walking around the table until she meets Callum, arms hugging around his shoulders. Whitney joins after, and Callum stands up to accept both of them in a group hug.

There's a hole in his chest, filled with concrete and grinding against his ribs, his heart — _everything hurts._

Whitney and Chantelle stay for a bit longer after that, both kissing his cheek before they exit out the door hand in hand. He waves at them as they get to the end of the street, and his eyes track back to the blue of his car.

Should he give it back? It's been the main debate in his head. But they're not _over_ over, are they?

He's about to start cleaning up, placing the plates in the bowl before the door rattles with two knocks. Callum has the fear of it being Ben, that his thoughts of not quite a mild nature have somehow summoned him.

Callum holds the handle for a second, breathes in, prepares himself to see the man he's been trying to get over for a month — but he's allowed to exhale.

It's Lola.

"Hey," she says, a small smile on her face that reflects guilt she shouldn't even have. 

Callum is shocked, to say the least. He hasn't seen her since the holiday.

"Oh — um, hey," Callum does the usual greeting. Big smile, hiding the pain of being reminded about that entire week and how none of it meant anything.

"I wanted to — wanted to drop this off," Lola gestures her hands forward, Callum just now noticing the wrapped present. "It's from Lexi."

Callum doesn't know what to say.

But he knows what he feels, and it's that he misses her, _so much._ She's like Callum's own little star, always bright, always putting Callum in the same orbit as Ben.

"She… knows Pip's birthday?" asks Callum, shaking his head shortly after. "You, er — wanna' come in?"

Lola smiles, nods, "Sure."

Callum closes the door after her, brushing down his shirt as the birthday girl comes padding back in, nudging Lola's leg for attention.

"Hey, birthday girl!" she sings, patting down Pip's back, then up towards her ears.

Callum smiles, wishes this was different. He can feel the dark, weighted atmosphere creeping overhead like a storm again. It's the same storm that followed him home that night he left Ben under the moon.

"Looks like she's missed you," Callum says, wanting to break the silence, but the look he gets in return from Lola makes him wish he didn't.

"We've missed you, Callum," Lola stands back up, hugging the present to her chest with arms folded. "We all have."

What's the extent of that _we?_ Does that include _Ben?_

Must not be. He hasn't texted since the holiday, and Callum hasn't had any missed calls. It was a clean break, or somewhat clean, considering Callum is still feeling the effects of it as if it happened yesterday, not a month ago.

"I — find that hard to believe," he leans against the kitchen side, arms crossed against his stomach. "I haven't heard anything."

"Until now?"

"Yeah."

Lola sighs, looking down before taking a step forward to place the present on the table. Callum continues to look at it even when Lola leans back to where she was stood before.

"He does miss you," starts Lola, and Callum already knows who she means. He has to close his eyes. "I can see he does."

Callum bites his lip, trying to stop the pain shovelled into the back of his throat. It doesn't matter if Ben misses him, Callum's the one that technically ended it.

"Lola, I'm — I'm sorry, but—"

"I know," she steps forward, hand gentle on his forearm. "You don't have to say anything. I'm not gonna' defend what Ben _or_ you did to each other. That's your business, not mine."

Callum looks down to her hand, suddenly realising how little contact he's had since that holiday. Yeah, he's had Whitney giving him hugs, kisses on the cheek, and Chantelle's always hugging him with a smile on her face — but he misses Ben.

The touch burns, and he flinches away.

"I can't change his mind," says Callum, borderline defeat. "So I won't. I'll — I'll find someone else."

Just saying that breaks what he's been trying to hold up for a month. He sniffs, hand over his mouth to stop the wobble. He hasn't realised how much he's been keeping the pain in until he can't escape it.

Lola smiles weakly, pain clear in the way she can't hold it for long, wanting to provide comfort she can't give.

"Lexi misses you," she gestures with her head towards the present. "Misses you both."

It just pushes the arrow deeper into Callum's chest, sharp and agonizing.

"I'm so sorry, I never meant to drag her into this," Callum's hand moves to the side of his face, rubs there with a growing shine in his eyes. "I never meant to ignore her, I just knew if I—"

"—saw Ben that it'd hurt more?"

Callum takes his time, but he eventually nods, bites at the corner of his lip before his head drops completely. He presses a thumb to the corner of his eye, trying to stop the moisture building up.

He can't cry. There's no more shedding tears for him.

"If it gives you any comfort, Lexi's been making his life hell," Lola giggles, a small attempt at parting the clouds above their heads.

And Callum does laugh, even if it's just a huff between chapped lips. 

"I don't think that does," Callum says, almost silent now. In fact, it just reminds him of how much he's missed Ben and Lexi, their adventures, the stories and memories they've made.

Lola doesn't know what else to say. It's not her place to try and force their heads together to sort things out. She also won't forget that they're equally at fault, Ben suggesting it, Callum agreeing and following along. They're both to blame, both stupidly in love with different ghosts following behind.

They're both equally broken, too.

"I know what he did was wrong, Callum. He shouldn't have done that to you," starts Lola, smiling when Callum meets her eyes. "But it doesn't mean you should completely forget what you had before. That friendship was good for him, good for you. I could easily see that, whether I was there or not."

It's not that easy. _It's not that easy._

Sure, friends can hold hands, kiss each other's cheek, sometimes share a bed without the need for anything else — but it'll never be easy, not when Callum has felt what it's like to love and to hold. Granted, it wasn't all of it, the entirety of what they could be, but _knowing_ they could work, what they _could_ be and simply ignoring it?

Callum can't do that. He can't forget how much he loves him.

There's no forgetting the way Ben kisses him, how his hand floats up to hold his cheek with faint nerves each time. The way Ben looks at him, the smile in his eyes, gentle touches to his hand as if he's not sure if he's allowed to hold him or not.

And then _being_ with him, waking up to the warmth of him by his side, the freckles he's counted and still somehow wrong every time, as if they change every day. That love, the same love someone has for the sunrise, infinite, daily, forevermore.

It's the distance, the ache and cry of his own heart that's made him realise that. Yeah, he already knew, but it didn't hit him until that first night after the holiday, when he rolled over and Ben wasn't there.

He regretted it, almost entirely. He almost drove to Ben's house and waited there, wanting to apologise and beg to have him back.

What he said was true, though. He wasn't the one to help him love again, and there'll be another person, not another Callum, to try and work their way through the maze of love and give up at the final corner. 

But then weeks passed, and every Sunday Callum waited for the knock, the click of his door, the image of Ben grabbing a handful of his shirt and kissing him senseless never playing out.

It was unsettling, almost scary, that if Ben turned up during those first few weeks and did nothing but stare and taunt the waters between them, Callum would've dived in, no hesitation.

Callum has a glass heart, easily shattered but never broken entirely. It probably is, the way his chest stings every time he thinks about him, how the loneliness is practically making him ill.

Maybe friendship will be good. It'll be difficult, but good. Perhaps it'll help him forget.

"Thank you, Lola," Callum wipes his wrist against his mouth, dry and chapped. "I'm sorry for dragging Lexi into this."

"No, that's no one's fault. She's capable of making her own trouble," Lola laughs, an expression that translates to _trust me_ and nothing more.

Callum takes her word for it.

"Is she with Ben?" That name feels so cold on his tongue, as if he's shoved his heart back so much, made it suffer in silence for weeks on end that now the one name, the one soul that woke it doesn't allow anything as a reminder to save the pain.

"Yeah," nods Lola, smiling. "He has her this week. She's not too happy about it when it's his turn now." 

Callum feels he should've laughed, but the weight in his chest is too heavy to make a sound so fleeting.

"Okay," replies Callum, inhaling before he speaks another word. "Thank you, for bringing this over."

"It's nothing. Lexi wanted me to give it to you. No denying the little madam, is there?"

This time, Callum does smile, remembering the time she practically bullied Callum for colouring outside the lines.

"And thank you for… talking. I haven't really spoke about it with anyone."

"No one at all?"

Callum shakes his head, "Well, I spoke a bit to Whitney, but I — it's difficult. Feels like I'm bringing everyone down with my heartbreak problems."

"Oh, Callum," Lola doesn't really know what to say, but she tries, at least. "You're allowed to feel like you are. Heartbreak is — well, it sucks. There's a million ways I could describe it but that's just it. Frankly, you're handling it a lot better than he is."

Callum lifts his head at that. Yeah, he still worries about him, and that doesn't sound all too positive.

"What do you mean?"

"He's been racing again," Lola hugs herself. "More so than before. Jay tells me he isn't listening to sense, being reckless. He only started to do it a week after we got back. Something ticked him off, caused him to go put himself out there again."

So it's bad. More than bad.

"Is he — alright?" It's not exactly an easy question to ask when half of him knows the answer already.

"Hard to tell," she gets her phone out, scrolling through her contacts. "You know what he's like."

Callum shrugs. Lola whispers a small sorry.

"I mean when he doesn't want to talk about things," and that right there makes sense to Callum. "He's pretending everything's fine when we can all clearly see it's not. But we can't push him, you know? It's only going to make it worse."

He doesn't know what to do. Callum places a hand to the side of his neck, rubbing there as he waits and thinks about what he could possibly do to change all of this. There's an inkling inside that tells him it's _his_ problem to fix.

"This is Jay's number," she flips the screen around, and for a moment, Callum is floored. Why would he need Jay's number?

"For?" Callum didn't mean to sound rude, but it's too late to take the words back.

"He wants you to go to an event again," Lola places her phone down and writes the digits on a piece of paper scattered on the side. "And I know this isn't fair on you, but he really believes you can help Ben stop what he's doing."

Callum shakes his head, "I don't know Lola. I doubt he'd ever wanna' see me again."

"He does," Lola says, and the lack of pause between that and what Callum said before is _daunting._

"I, uh — I don't do the night ones," Callum smiles shy, but it doesn't last long. The small flutter of his heart that _absorbs_ the tiny acknowledgment that Ben _does_ miss him fades within a minute. It's clouded easily by the doubt that Ben will never admit it anyway.

"I know, but you don't have to do anything but turn up," Lola takes her phone back, smiling. "I think that'll be enough to snap him out of it. Part of him, at least."

Callum's brain provides _the part of Ben that still loves you —_ and his legs almost crumble beneath him.

"Please?" Lola is almost begging, but she doesn't want to seem like it.

"I'll think about it," but the answer is already felt in how heavy his heart feels. Of course he's going.

Lola pats the present on the table, leaving the conversation at that, and they exchange a few moments of silence before Callum speaks up.

"Is Lexi with him today?" 

"Yeah. Should be picking her up from school in a few hours." Lola adjusts her coat, heading towards the door. She knows why Callum is asking about it, and she won't be the one to deter him.

"Right," Callum gets up from the side, giving Lola a hug before she steps outside the door.

Callum just wants to say sorry again, but Lola gives him a little wave before she gets in her car and drives off. She must know Callum is still holding on if the blue car parked outside his house is anything to go by. It's probably the only thing keeping them linked besides equal heartbreak.

After he shuts the door, Callum keeps his hands on the wood, breathing in.

It was foolish to think he could just try and forget him. It's not that he wanted to, it was more giving space and allowing Ben to admit the truth in his own time.

Callum just didn't expect a _month,_ and probably another month and more on top of that. He knows Ben deals with feelings in a rather jaded way, but he didn't expect the radio silence.

Maybe Callum's words scratched too deep.

Either way, Callum walks around the kitchen, debating whether going over there unannounced after a month of silence is a good idea. Lexi will be there, and Lola wouldn't lie just for them to meet up — or would she?

Callum groans, leaning over onto the side, arms crossed as he puts his head down. The cool, kitchen top eases the fog in his head, but when his eyes open to the note with Jay's number, it doesn't help any more than that.

So Ben's been racing. A lot. Enough to worry even Jay if he's agreed to have Callum make an appearance and somehow kickstart the humanity in Ben. At least, that's what it sounds like.

How bad is it? Because the last time, he had to lay low, stick with Callum and the confines of a bedroom to make sure he didn't shovel himself into a corner he can't back out from.

If Ben does the same cycle, running back to Callum because he toyed too much with the night — then he doesn't know if he'll fall under the same spell again.

He already is, but denial is such a volatile weapon. 

Callum can't sleep at night because he's thinking about _Ben._ He can't go see other potential men because he's thinking about _Ben._ He can't even focus at work because he's always looking through the window, hoping the same table as before holds the smirk and gruff voice of _Ben._

It's all _Ben Ben Ben_ and it's crushing Callum. He's the one that broke them, but Callum is the one breaking at the seams because of it.

Granted, he hasn't seen Ben, doesn't know the state he's in apart from being more reckless. It scares Callum, how much he still cares, still _loves_ him after all this time.

It's only been a month, but for a broken, aching and longing heart — it feels like _years._

\- - -

Ben's felt weightless, poisoned by mistakes of his own doing. But he doesn't let them linger too long, caging them to the back of his mind before they eventually force themselves forward again. It's a loop.

A loop of _Callum,_ over and over until he has to squeeze a hand over his chest to stop himself from sobbing. No one's broken him like this before, not even as much as _he_ did, but it's _there_ and _real._

He can't drown at the bottom of a bottle, he can't kiss another guy and hope they replace what they never can in the first place. It's futile, empty thoughts that constantly make Ben pause, seconds in his day stretched to their limits.

Lola gave him a look of plain disappointment the night Callum left. The way she simply made him _know_ she wasn't happy, that not only has he _fucked up big time,_ but Lexi hurts too with not being able to spend those final moments with Callum.

Even Kathy didn't say much, simply shaking her head at him and saying she'll see him in a few months time. And then as they all left one by one, it honestly felt as if Ben lost part of himself in that hotel room.

Callum took part of his heart, kept it, and then left it in that very room when he left. And Ben tried so hard to put it back, to ignore how much Callum being _gone_ absolutely petrified him. It didn't fit, what Callum took from him, and now he carries it around in his chest, loose and rattling him every time he breathes.

He's scared of how much he actually misses Callum, how he can still feel the rain on his skin, can still feel the way Callum kissed him one last time, how they slept together _one last time._

Ben was lying when he said it, when he pushed Callum to the bed and kissed him well into the night, but he can't tell if Callum was lying or telling the truth when he left.

It felt like he meant it when he said sorry, and now, Ben's too afraid to ask.

So that's why he's been a grump for the past month, the easy smirk and high shoulders back as if they never left. He gets through the days thinking about what his day could be, and fights with himself over working on the car.

He's acknowledged that it's there a few times. Ben will open the big, barn yard doors and let the light shine through, but it feels like he can't walk in. Something physically stops him, as if the air in that room is so heavy and _dense_ with the memories of Callum that it's a border he can't cross.

It was only last week that he walked in, the afternoon sun angeled over the bonnet of the car, up and over the glass of the front window, and then feathering at the roof. Considering the state it was in, it's a lot better than it was. Some new bodywork installations, a fresh lick of paint and some stripes and it'll be good to cruise down the road to an era the car was born in.

What a fantasy that is, cruising down the highway, love of his life on the left, ocean on the right. This car would be perfect for it, though, and maybe one day Callum can have that with someone.

Ben wishes. He wishes that it'll be him.

That whole week leading up to today, he pulls up the hood on whatever he's wearing and sets himself to work. It's slow, and Ben doesn't want to rush it, but working on the car Callum and himself met with is rather therapeutic. _Not that he'd admit that, of course._

The engine block is cleaned up, and it needs some new parts, but after this morning, cleaning up some of the last attachments, it's ready for a lot more finishing touches.

Fenders on, bumpers attached, old seats ripped out and replaced with the new ones he ordered days ago, it's looking good. Looks almost complete.

The same can't be said for _them,_ though.

He wipes his face with a towel before running his fingers through his hair. It's smack bang in the middle of summer, and it's way too hot to work near welding tools and moving heavy pieces of metal.

But it works, helps Ben take his mind off things, blinds himself from the reality of Callum never coming back into a hopeful scenario that he'll come back for the car.

Ben checks his watch. Lexi's due to finish school, and with no time to waste, he shuts the door on the garage for another day, patting the metal as if somehow it has feelings and makes his way to his own car.

He ignites the ignition, starts humming the song that plays halfway from what he was listening to in the garage and puts the car in drive.

His life is pretty normal the more he thinks about it. It's how it was without Callum, before he even knew him, but it'd be ignorant to ignore how very _strange_ this _normal_ feels, as if there's something wrong.

Or something _missing._

Lexi has the same blank expression when he sees her. It's been rather upsetting for her, too, not having either Callum or Pip to look forward to meeting every other week. She actually thought Callum hated her and that's why he's not around, and Ben had to tell her that it's _Daddy's fault, he doesn't like me._

And Lexi had huffed, telling him to fix it so she can have her friend back.

She really is his daughter, and even though it made him laugh at the time, thinking about it now makes him realise how much he's feeling the same. He needs to fix it, he just doesn't know how.

On the way home, they stop for pancakes in the same diner they went to with Callum. They don't sit in the same spot, but Ben sits facing the part of the diner where they did, eyes lingering on the table now occupied by some teenagers, laughing about something on their phones, eating pizza and spilling their fizzy drink when one of them belly laughs.

Ben feels a bit sick, turning back to Lexi as she colours in another set of pages in her book.

"That's good, Lexi," He says, smile on his face.

Lexi just looks up, silent for a second before giving him a crayon.

"You miss him too," she says, having noticed where he was looking. "And I think he misses you."

Ben's smile becomes pained, echoes of what it _could_ be.

"You think?"

"I know so, duh," Lexi shrugs, pushing her book so it reaches the middle of the table. Ben starts colouring seconds later. "Friends always have fights," she continues, "I'm sure he didn't mean it."

Ben breathes in, leaning forward to concentrate on the book.

"You're not saying this to get extra pancakes out of me, are you?" 

Lexi smiles, tilting her head, _"No!"_

Ben laughs, enjoying their time together, and two stacks of pancakes later, they're heading out the door back home.

Lexi heads inside once Ben pulls up on his driveway, pulling out the key and stepping out. He only makes it to the door until he hears the high tones of another engine.

 _Wait_ — he knows that engine.

He turns at the door to see the pastel blue paint job and black rims roll up. Callum.

Ben almost drops the car keys in his hand, blinking, not quite believing the way he can see both Callum _and_ Pip in the neighbouring seat. He's not looking at him, but Callum has a worried look on his face.

And suddenly, Ben feels anger, the same heat in his bones he felt the night he drove home that month ago. Callum was the one to end it, and now, he's here as if he can come unannounced whenever he pleases.

Ben won't push him away, but as Callum steps out, Ben feels all the fight drain from him, at least some of it.

Oh god. Oh _god. It's been a month since he's seen him._

Ben just wants to replay that night, say what he should've said, but it feels too late, especially when he hasn't decided his plan of action by the time Callum is smiling up at him from across the driveway.

He never thought he'd see him again, and if he did, Ben expected a local sandwich shop or running into each other at a milkshake shop to remember the token they share. Ben's quite relieved he doesn't seem to be carrying one, because that would've pissed him off even more.

Milkshakes are for quarrels, not defeats.

And it feels like someone punches him square in the chest at Callum's voice.

"Hey," smiles Callum. It's weak, barely there. They can't even wear false promises anymore.

"Callum," is all Ben replies with, hand on the door as the sun sits on the edge of the clouds. The wind is warm, but not as warm as his chest when Callum finishes walking over, feet coming to a stop an arms reach away.

Ben can see he takes a deep breath, but he doesn't know it's because Callum's chest rattles at hearing his voice again — hearing his _name_ in a way that doesn't want to make him cry.

Granted, it still does, but the last memory he had of Ben saying his name was one in anguish, soaked by rain, splintered by heartbreak.

The distance between them now is as if nothing ever happened.

Callum's eyes linger on his torso, eyes distant but full of the blue Ben remembers. He's still handsome, stubble on his jaw, blue bomber jacket, hair a bit softer and not held by gel.

_Still handsome. Shut up._

As if he'd become any less handsome between that month gap. If anything, he seems more so, a slight tan to his skin from long walks.

He parts his lips to speak, but Ben watches him shake his head a little, swallowing. Ben watches the bob of his apple. There's so many little details he's trying to take in, but just — _being_ here with Ben after telling himself he wouldn't feels like he's slapping himself in the face.

"You're — wearing my hoodie."

Ben blinks, not sure what he's on about until the very real way in which Callum smiles knocks him back a few steps.

 _Shit._ Ben's giving away too much too soon, and Ben fakes ignorance because of it.

"It is?" Ben looks down, picking at the fabric. "Huh, I didn't know."

Well, he's not going to give it back to Callum, if that's what he's asking. In a way, he's glad Callum just ignores it, face falling to a blank expression instead.

Good. It's better than falling in love with that smile, especially the way it makes _Ben_ want to smile, holding back the ache in his jaw.

But then it turns to awkward hovering, and Ben feels hot and bothered, a very real need to reach out and pull Callum in tingling the tips of his fingers.

He's missed him, a lot. More than he'd ever admit.

"Why are you here? Thought you skipped town," Ben knows he didn't, but he needs to act like he _hasn't_ had Callum on his mind for the past month like some sort of dream crush.

"No? I still live where I was… before," it feels horrible dating events, especially now because it's all _before and after the break up._

They weren't actually dating, but anyone else would've believed otherwise. Frankly, Callum is tired of trying to skip around it.

It was love. Some form of it, anyway. Consuming, blinding, the love that makes you constantly feel like you're floating and the only way you can settle is in the arms of that love.

Now it's gone, even though he still feels it, feet heavy like concrete.

"Ah," replies Ben, clicking his tongue. "Well, I ain't interested in another round if that's what you're here for. I don't really go back more than once so consider yourself lucky."

Callum shakes his head, "I ain't here for that. Never was."

 _Never was._ That sits somewhere warm in Ben's chest, and it takes him a few seconds to have the thought to reply.

"Blimey. Must not have done my job then, ay? If it ain't memorable you must be a tough guy to please," Ben shrugs, leaning against the door as he grins up at Callum. "Then again, must be impossible to please you if even _I_ can't stop you from demanding so much more."

Callum licks his lips, turns away as he shakes his head again. This is the Ben he met that first night, the brash, rough around the edges Ben that sees the entire world and hearts as his playground.

But looking back at him, Callum keeps their eyes connected, because there's no way in _hell_ Ben doesn't feel anything at all if him standing barefoot in his hoodie doesn't say it all.

Callum remembers that day, the way Ben unzipped it for him as his hands curved around the sharp corner of his jaw.

Ben must remember, too, if he's kept it, actively wearing it.

"I'm here for Lexi," he shrugs the one shoulder that's holding up a rucksack.

"Oh," Ben chuckles. "Thought that was an overnight bag. How long's it been? Just after a month? That's a lot to catch up on."

Callum bites his tongue. But then he doesn't.

"So you've been thinking about it, then," Callum finds some sort of relief in the way Ben looks away to something beside him. The door frame can't be that interesting. "Us?"

"Yeah, we were good. We had our fun."

There's that word again, _fun._ Callum wants to kiss it off his lips.

"Must've been more than that if you had a face of a kicked puppy the night you cheated on me," Callum's smile is more painful than he feels he'll admit, because Ben just _laughs._

This isn't casual banter, this is anger packaged in bite sized chunks, disguised as something casual when it equally digs home how broken they are.

 _"Cheated_ on you?" Ben scoffs, tipping his head back, thumping it against the door. "God, Callum. You really thought we were something, didn't you?"

It feels like a blow to his stomach, again. Even if Ben is pretending once more, ignorant to the truth, he's rather mindless as to how much those words actually hurt.

But that's the point. They're enemies again, no matter how much it's a lie.

"We did," Callum readjusts the bag on his shoulder. "Keyword _did._ I'm not playing this cat and mouse game with you anymore."

Ben perks up, "Oh?" The smirk makes Callum wish he didn't fall into their game just now. "Who's the cat? Who's the mouse?"

Callum feels fire in his fingers, but he shakes it off, sighing. They're neither, in reality.

One is always chasing the other, and one is always running away. They're a competitive cycle one desires to win and the other to lose. Which one is which, there's no clue.

"Lexi's here, ain't she?" Callum swiftly changes the subject, and Ben's smirk fades. No more games.

"She's upstairs," Ben lingers before realising that _is_ why he's here. Lexi. Pip's in his car, too, which means his little wish sent up to the sky must've found someone.

He steps back inside, leaving it open for Callum, and Callum hovers at the threshold with more weight in his feet than he'd like to acknowledge. 

"Lexi?" Ben shouts up the stairs. "Someone's here for you."

And she must know who it is, because her feet move quick, like a flash and she's _there._

Lexi's eyes are bright as she reaches the bottom of the stairs. It's a kick to Callum's gut.

 _"Callum! CallumCallumCallum—"_ and she collides with him, Callum having kneeled down, arms wide as she was to hug her.

And god, if this doesn't make him feel more complete, knowing Lexi still wants him around even after he left without a goodbye. Lola must've said something.

Ben watches on, guilt like fangs in his heart, Lexi with her arms around Callum's neck, and Callum swaying a little as he holds her. She looks so tiny compared to him, and it breaks a clean fragment through Ben to see Callum tearing up.

He places a kiss on top of her head when he goes to stand back up, Lexi hopping a few times as she holds Toffee to her chest.

But she notices Callum's tears.

"Callum?" Her head tilts, reaching for his shirt and holding the end. "Why are you crying?"

Ben wants to shout _me — because of me._

"Nothing, sweetheart," Callum, the ever good soul doesn't need Ben to wipe his tears for him. "Just glad to see you."

"But people don't cry for that!" She argues.

Callum looks across to Ben now, and Ben feels the tug in his chest, the tickle under his skin. Callum smiles shy as he speaks.

"Sometimes we do."

Ben has to turn away, held by his gaze for a few seconds before making himself look busy. A cup of tea, yeah. That's what usually happens when someone visits, right?

But this isn't someone. This is Callum.

_Fuck._

Callum watches him place the cup with a little more force than necessary, and knows he needs to do something.

For a moment, he decides against it, but he can't deny it when he's missed Ben like the sun misses the sky every night.

So Callum whistles, and there's a moment of silence before Pip appears at the door, tail wagging after having jumped out the window of the car. Callum had told her to stay, not sure if he was going to be welcomed so smoothly.

She meets Pip at the door, and soon turns to Callum, question in the sparkle of her eyes.

"Go on," he says, and Lexi starts running towards the field. She can give her the present afterwards, they have time.

But as he looks back to Ben, tension held in his shoulders, Callum feels he's on borrowed time. Overtime, even.

The room grows silent except for the slight scratch of Ben's hand moving over his stubble, sighing before he leans against the kitchen side. His back is turned to Callum, but that doesn't mean he can't feel his stare.

What do they say? Do they pretend it's all normal? All okay? As if they aren't equally breaking?

Ben still doesn't move, doesn't speak. He's waiting for Callum to take the first step, _again,_ considering he was the one to do the same a month ago.

But _god —_ seeing Ben, knowing he can't walk up to him and do the same, like he can't even _be_ around him without this cold, itching tension licking up his spine. This is how it's going to be now, and unfortunately, neither of them want that.

Callum decides to hover in the space of the entryway, Ben's kitchen open plan, and the only thing he can really lean on is the island like countless times before. It doesn't feel right this time.

Ben's jaw is moving, as if he's biting his tongue, waiting on shallow breaths for Callum to say something so he can spit venom back. Callum broke him, and even though he saw it coming, laid the very foundations himself, it doesn't make it any easier knowing this whole entire situation could be different.

Ben made him just another, but _they_ don't stick around. They don't come back, either.

Callum has.

"Whose cars are they?" 

"Mine," finally, Ben moves, reaching up for the teabags, suddenly irritated by the fact the first thing Callum says after a month of silence is to school him.

The line of cars outside, parked haphazardly in a rush, some scratched, some brand new. He knows Ben has money, but they're not being treated with the same care as he would the car Ben drives almost daily. Those are there for another purpose, another reason entirely.

"I thought you said you can't do that anymore?" 

Ben slams the spoon down, turning to Callum, and for a moment, Ben's words lodge inside his throat. His voice breaks on the first word.

"That ain't none of your business," Ben folds his arms across his chest, defences up. The smirk follows. "Interested now, are we? Come back to teach me the _good ways_ of _Callum?"_

Callum's face hardens. He doesn't favour how much Ben says his name with so much ill. 

"I'm here for Pip and Lex," Callum looks away, taking in how much the place has changed. Not much, in honesty, but the distinct places of memory from when they messed around easily replay in his head.

It's rather heartbreaking seeing the couch they've spent so many memories on, from the night of the club, to the times they've spent as a found family, to the hushed friends with benefits.

All gone. All nothing now in the grand scheme of things.

"You sure?" Ben taunts, raising his eyebrows when Callum casts his eyes towards him.

One side of Callum's face is casted in shadow, and Ben is painted in the light of the afternoon. It's all one big metaphor, Callum stuck between two edges, two different needs.

The devil's knocking at his door, and Callum's restless to the sound of it.

"I'm sure," Callum shrugs, nonchalant. "I don't need you, Ben. And you don't need me by the looks of it."

Ben soon loses the smirk, but it comes back with a vengeance as he steps forward, talking as he takes those slow steps.

"You made it clear you didn't," Ben's fingertips move along the island surface, and Callum focuses on them for mere seconds before challenging Ben's stare head on. "Tough words, weren't they? All very dramatic, and yet here you are after walking away."

"I told you why I'm here."

"But you're lying," replies Ben, words said with the poise and sing of a snake. "We both know why you're here."

Callum rolls his eyes, shuffling on his feet. Ben's trying so hard, more than he needs to, to make Callum admit that he still likes him.

"Then tell me, Ben," Callum licks his lips as his eyes fall to Ben again. "Tell me what you couldn't say that night."

"Ah, but that would be too easy! You, coming here pretending it's all for her when I _know_ you've been avoiding me, pushing me to say the first word — but it'll always be you."

"Oh, is that it?" Callum tilts his head, laughs mockingly. "Because last time I checked, you were the one _running."_

Ben steels, nose flaring as he stares Callum down. 

_This_ is why there's a line of cars on his driveway, _this_ is why he's trying to get Callum to admit to coming back for _Ben —_ he's trying to lead the pack, to reach the horizon before anyone else.

He doesn't need anyone. Ben doesn't need Callum, but the pinch down the ridges of his spine speaks otherwise.

"That's what the cars are, right?"

Ben turns around, running away from problems he can't face, pretending they're none of his concern instead.

"The cars are nothing but fun," argues Ben, going back to making the tea. "You wouldn't know that."

"I know you're more than who you pretend to be," Callum starts to make his way around the island, and Ben keeps his shoulders high.

But Ben laughs at him, tones that reflect sadness instead of happiness. 

Callum stops an arms reach away, hands still in the pockets of his bomber jacket. He doesn't know why he's spent so long telling himself to get over Ben when the only thing he wants to do now is _fix it._ Fix _them._

Ben moves his head to the side, Callum just about seeing the blue of his eyes. They're almost grey now, and Callum misses how much he used to see them in detail.

"Life ain't some fairytale, Callum," he brushes his hand over his face again. "You can't speak poetry to me and it'll magically fix everything. You said your demons, I have my own, that's the end of it."

The conversation cuts off, and Callum stands there, lost in what to do. Ben is addicted to the rush of the unpredictable, the adrenaline of not knowing and _fighting_ it head on. 

But Callum's seen him, been with him in the moments where it's not about that, when it's just them.

"Then why isn't it?" starts Callum, eyes downcast to Ben's hand that floats by his side. _"Why do I keep coming back to you?"_

Ben bites his lip, closing his eyes as the teeth of wolves start to swallow his lungs. It's so hard, so _impossible_ to hate Callum when he knows how much his life shines when he's near. 

He wants to say it, wants to say _because I feel the same, I feel everything you felt —_ but it's not that easy. Ben's heart stumbles over every promise of love, a continuous cycle of never feeling as if he has the capacity for it.

"My charm, ain't it?" Ben says, voice breaking on the outlet. "They always come back."

Callum takes a deep breath, suddenly floored by the thought of Ben seeing someone else in that month of silence, trying to forget Callum in the way he always did. 

But part of him hopes, _begs_ the physical aspect of fate that Ben _didn't._

"Have they?" Callum asks, almost whispered, his hand idly reaching out for Ben's, forefinger touching the outside of his wrist.

Ben's entire body twists and folds inside, the first echo of warmth washing over him in what feels like weeks, and it _has_ been weeks since he's felt that same feeling, the ease of _being_ when Callum's there to connect him to the world.

But Callum's question sinks in, the dread of it. If he answers truthfully, it'll answer everything else Callum's been trying to ease from the cage in his chest. 

Because they haven't. There's _no one._

Between that night Callum left him in the shade of the moon, to now — there's been no one but Callum.

There's been attempts, alcohol like honey in his throat and tasting it on another man's lips, but Ben always steps away, runs before he realises there's nothing left of his heart to _try._

Callum was the last heart string, the last piece of music that Ben used to break himself to hear again, to pluck and think _this is all I want._ But it broke that night, snapped under the weight of a question never answered.

It wasn't some parody act, a test run. Ben can try as hard as he might to forgive and forget for himself that Callum was the one that got too close, that Callum was the rose to his thorns.

But as Callum moves his fingers down the back of his hand, Ben is merely a canvas to the painter, eyes closed as the mere touch of him, gentle and almost dreamed feels like he's being weaved back together.

"No," Ben whispers, looking down to the way Callum curls his finger around one of his. "They haven't."

It was never a lie; they kissed like lovers do. They held like a bird's wings would welcome the wind. They saw the diamonds in the otherwise rough stories that follow them like chains.

Callum saw all of him, _sees_ all of him, and it's so _terrifying._

Ben's scared of love, how it feels too good to be true.

He feels it on his tongue, _I miss you_ so easily crafted because they're true. Ben misses him, no matter how much he tries to push Callum away.

Callum's already been there to witness, to see the Ben that craves that love, and he's seen the same Ben that would bite tooth and nail to make sure no one knows that detail.

Ben goes to hold his hand, but the energy to do so dwindles at the thought of so easily accepting that love again. He owes Callum more than that, more than himself.

He pulls his hand away, but the cold bite is almost immediate. Ben's eyes sting as Callum stays where he is, almost waiting for Ben to change his mind, but the seconds drag on until Lexi makes her way back inside.

And Callum's smile is easily heard in his voice as he speaks up, pretending for the sake of Ben's daughter. He wouldn't need to do that if Ben wasn't closing the door on them.

"Callum!" She sings, skipping up to him as he meets her halfway. Ben takes a deep breath behind him, the atmosphere of truth itself crumbling under precious foundations Callum could barely hold up.

"Yeah?"

"Did Pip get my present?"

Callum smiles, taking the rucksack off his shoulders in order to kneel down. He places the bag on the floor, Lexi waiting with curious eyes as he pulls out the gift Lola gave him this morning.

Lexi looks confused, "She didn't like it?"

Callum's heart aches as he watches Lexi turn to Pip, a shine in her eyes.

"Not at all, in fact, she hasn't seen it," he smiles as Lexi has more hope held in her eyes now. "It's your present, Lexi. It's only right that you're the one that gives it to her."

Callum is oblivious to Ben, how he's moved so he can watch the exchange with a heavy, longing heart.

Lexi seems more than delighted, smiling as she takes a step forward to wrap her arms around him. Ben watches how Callum's face falls from the side, how his eyes close as if he's missed the only feeling of family he's had.

When they pull back, the smile finds itself on Callum again, and Ben hates it. He knows Callum's smiles, and that's not one of them. It's like seeing himself, the fake happiness Ben paints to brush away the questions of _are you alright?_

"So, will you do the honours?" Callum offers the gift to her, and Lexi takes it, no questions asked.

She turns to Pip, and Callum stands back up as Lexi leads her to the carpet. With laughter in her voice, she calls after Pip, and the two of them sit opposite each other.

Ben takes another step closer to Callum behind him, but Callum doesn't notice as he watches the exchange.

Lexi laughs as Pip keeps nudging the wrapped gift, Lexi ripping at the edge to encourage Pip to open it herself. Eventually, the first appearance of the toy becomes clear to Callum, and the pain that swells in his chest almost makes him cry.

It's a zebra, one with legs and arms made of rope with a soft, striped plushie as the head and torso. Pip's very own Toffee, and Callum has to push his lips together, a distinct ache in his jaw to stop himself from crying.

_God — he's missed this so much._

The same pain echoes in Ben, jaw clenching as he watches Callum dip his head, storm in his eyes. It's guilt, plain as day.

If he'd kept quiet, played along with Ben's game, he'd still be in her life, still be allowed to feel as if she's part of their small, found family.

Pip is beyond the happiest in the room, accepting the toy gently from Lexi's hand, tail wagging ten to the dozen as she starts jumping around on the spot, bowing.

Lexi smiles, leaning in to hug Pip, and the two of them share a completely different atmosphere to the one Callum and Ben are standing in.

Callum looks over his shoulder, feeling Ben's gaze on him, and shares the most rare of smiles Ben's ever seen. 

It's just for him, emotions created by Ben sent back to him in the facade of a smile. Callum's hurting, a lot, and no wide smile can hide that.

"She loves it!" Lexi sings, prompting Callum to break away from Ben and towards his daughter. Pip is looking towards Callum, tail still swinging.

"Looks like you'll have more adventures to talk about now," he says, walking over to scratch between Pip's ears. "And thank you, Lexi. That's a really thoughtful gift."

Lexi beams, treading on the crumpled and ripped paper to hug Callum's waist. The same salt stings Callum's eyes again, and he places a gentle hand on her back, thumb moving slowly to comfort her.

And then she looks up at him, arms still around him.

"I've missed you, Callum," her voice is so _tiny._ "Are you staying this time?"

The words _I can't_ feel like fire in his throat, and Callum can't say anything that might cause Ben to bite back and crush what hope he felt in those fragile moments earlier.

"I'm sorry, Lex," Callum shrinks his height again, taking hold of her hands. They're so little in his hold. "You know I'm only a text away, right? Any time you wanna' ask your Mum, or — your _Dad,_ then you do so, yeah?"

Lexi nods, and Callum pinches her nose softly.

"I'll always be there for you," Callum smiles, placing a kiss to her forehead. "Always."

Ben thinks those words are for him, too.

Lexi looks beyond sad, staring up to Callum as he stands once more.

"You be good, yeah?" Callum says, smile still on his face, desperately trying to keep it. "Hopefully we can see each other a lot more."

He knows Ben's listening, and part of him feels a little petty for bringing it up in a situation he can't ignore, but Ben is stubborn. This might be the only way he listens.

Lexi nods, giving one last hug to Pip and patting her a few times before Callum and Ben head to the door. Callum thanks her one last time as Pip carries the gift in her mouth, and her tail doesn't stop wagging even when Lexi goes out of sight, Ben telling her to go upstairs and tidy her room.

It leaves them in silence again, and Ben just — _looks_ at him, fingers curling into his palms at the side. Callum should walk away, leave the day at that knowing they'll see each other again anyway because of Lexi and Pip. But they're both hoping for a reason that they'll see each other _because of them._ Not just the surrounding reasons.

Ben bites his lip, shakes his head. He seems frustrated with Callum, and yet, he doesn't know how to piece together the anger.

"Did you mean it?"

Callum squints, tilts his head in a way that says — _what?_

Of course he means it. He's meant everything he's ever said to Ben, that's _who he is._

"To Lexi, about you always being there."

"Why would I lie to her?" Callum pushes his tongue to his teeth. "Why would I lie to _you?"_

Ben's fists loosen, and the thunder in his eyes mellows to something tameable. Callum so desperately wants to reach out and hold him, to shake him and ask why he still doesn't believe anything Callum has to say, to think.

Perhaps Ben doesn't believe in fairytale endings, even though Callum and Ben both grew up using them as escapes. 

It's time, mostly. Callum's spent it alone, fearing it. Ben's spent it with family and a constant, metronome reminder that good things don't happen without something in return.

And yet, Callum's love is priceless, there and _physical_ for Ben to touch and believe — but it still feels like he can't afford any of it, that it's all some sick trick and he'll run back to his Dad and hear those fabled, feared words.

_I told you so._

No matter how much he wants to prove him wrong, no matter how much Ben takes that one step forward, Callum's face falling as he realises what's about to happen—

"Ben," Callum places a firm hand against his chest, keeping Ben back, and Ben's eyes widen before blinking.

Callum feels horrid, the cold he feels in his fingers as they touch his chest. This isn't what it was like. They _burned_ together, reckless and _free._

But Ben's cold now, rigid, the weight of the armour and crown he carries melted into his skin once more. Callum lost Ben that night, they both did. Ben lost the little boy that dreamed of what he had, and he let it go.

He feared it only existed in fairytales.

"I should, uh," Callum smiles, quick, and then it's gone. 

Ben takes a step back, then another, and then he's wiping the back of his hand against his nose. 

"Yeah," Ben says, the syllables broken as he speaks. "You should go."

Callum takes one last look before he leaves, shutting the door quietly with a soft click.

It makes Ben laugh. Of course. _Of fucking course._

Ben would be the one to slam that door if he was in his shoes, and yet, Callum treats it like glass that's already shattered. He treats Ben that way, too, even though a month ago Callum forced that shatter to break completely.

He deserved it, Ben knows that, and it's what makes it hurt even more. Especially when Ben watches the car leave, and he's stood in the empty, cold hallway thinking of every other possible universe where Callum didn't leave.

With his luck, Ben feels as if he's the Ben that pulled the short straw.

And it lingers, the real question he wanted to ask ever since that night, _weaved_ into his tongue that stays there, unspoken.

_Will I see you again?_

\- - -

_SUNDAY NIGHT_

Callum's phone pings with a location, Jay providing it without hesitation.

He's sat in his car, hooking up his phone to the GPS and waiting for the usual robotic voice to start giving him directions. Callum revs the engine a little, hands around the wheel and gripping.

He shouldn't do this, but he knows he needs to see Ben. Seeing him Monday was _hell,_ everything he felt during that holiday hitting him square in the jaw, and now he aches to kiss him, to hold him and say sorry for what he said.

But on the other hand, he meant it, he just wants Ben to see that, that he has to say something back or they'll never take hold of the glimpse of happiness they had.

So Callum drives, listens to the whistle and cry of the turbo as the car picks up speed. It's quite a journey, but he spends it thinking about what the _fuck_ he's going to say when he gets there.

Ben doesn't expect it, especially when Callum's avoided it if he can, and there's no way he'll see this coming after the silence they've been giving each other.

Well, Callum can wrestle with Ben's world, too. He can feel the same adrenaline he does, and it fizzles, raises his skin when the lights in the distance draw closer.

It's just as he remembers when he arrives. Cars parked up, hoods open to show off the kit inside. Loud music, bass boosted and so _loud_ Callum can feel it shift his heart inside his chest.

And the _staring,_ people looking Callum's way because he sticks out like a sore thumb. Blue paint as bright as day under the blanket of night, exotic and expensive — of course it's going to grab attention and _keep_ it.

The same can't be said when he finds Ben at the end of the tarmac, surrounded by a few strangers as they talk. Callum stops in the middle, keeping his eyes on Ben until the inevitable.

He's wearing a black hoodie, hood up, brown hair curling out underneath, eyes towards a guy that has clear interest in him. Callum watches Ben's eyes drop to the guy's lips, then his chest before going back up to his eyes, and for just a moment Ben's whole expression falters.

Callum grips the wheel, feels the rumble of the engine as he gently presses the pedal, forced to stay still because of the parking brake being engaged.

And he presses the pedal, lets the engine whine and pop the exhaust, cheers erupting around them as Callum does it again, drawing the attention of Ben's impromptu squad. 

Ben looks a little lost, looking around, seeing they're all looking in one direction — towards Callum.

Callum's face only has some illumination from the LED of the dash instruments, but Ben's face falls when he recognises the body of the car. Even more so when Callum steps out, hand on the door as they lock eyes.

One of the guys nudges Ben, and he doesn't acknowledge what he says, completely drawn to Callum.

The guy nudges him again, "You know that guy?"

Ben sniffs, "Old rival, I guess."

"Looks like he's here for you," and those words don't sit well with Ben, standing up from the hood of his car and shoving his hands in his pockets.

Callum shuts the door fully, starting to walk over as some of the participants of the event check out Callum's car behind him.

Ben looks away as Callum comes up to him.

"Hi," Callum smiles.

Ben blanks him, so he tries again.

"Wanna' race?" 

Ben coughs, "What?"

"Me and you," Callum nods his head towards the strip just as two cars launch into their own race.

"I don't think so," laughs Ben, going back to sitting on the hood of his car. "Don't wanna' embarrass you."

Callum clicks his tongue, thumb moving over the ring of his car keys.

"Guess I'll go challenge someone else," and that clicks something in Ben, because it only takes a few footsteps moving away from him for Ben to call out.

"Alright, sunshine," Ben stands up again, raising his car keys. "All in."

Callum swallows. He could lose his car, his only physical connection to Ben because of this, wanting to show Ben he can be there for everything, even _this._

Ben gets in his car without a moment to spare, and Callum nods at the few people that compliment him on the car as he gets into his own. Callum follows behind as they wait in line, and he meets Ben's eyes in his rearview mirror.

Ben looks away quickly, arm out the window as his hand taps the roof to whatever music that's playing in his car.

Callum sits in silence, waiting for their turn, and the closer they crawl to the line, the more Callum feels the _rush,_ the adrenaline that prickles his skin, driving him those last few metres until they're head to head.

The guy in the middle checks they're both ready, keeping the cloth in the air as he raises both arms. Callum glances to Ben, and he's shocked to find him looking back, hood still up, face half shrouded as he revs the engine.

This is what anyone must feel next to him, the relentless way in which Ben holds the road and curves it to his very need. Callum is merely at the mercy of whatever way he leads the race.

Thankfully, this is a drag race, they'll never see corners, only speed and burning rubber.

Callum looks back to the shadowed horizon, the road in front of them hazardly lit by headlights, and the race starter counts down.

Callum has more acceleration under the hood, but Ben has more horsepower. It's a test of skill, not metal. Thankfully, he's had a good teacher.

He launches the car as soon as the fabric falls and hits the ground. Ben isn't far behind, the weight of the muscle car giving a delayed start, but the mean face of it never fades from Callum's passenger window.

It's tempting to look, but he keeps his eyes ahead, regardless of where he thinks Ben is as the speed picks up beneath him, the whine of the turbo growing _louder and louder_ until he reaches sixth gear, allowing all cylinders to fire as the car reaches max.

Ben is on his heels, growing closer and closer until — the line skips underneath Callum, a flash in an otherwise dark night.

Callum's won.

And as Callum presses the brake, Ben _zooms_ past, fire from his exhaust popping twice as he drifts around the end. Callum can't tell if he's pissed off or that's simply what he does. But he's turning back to the event, and Callum is helpless in following, parking in the same place where he originally found Ben. Thankfully, the others aren't there, waiting in the line themselves, so it's just him and Ben.

Callum can't see his face until they step out, and Ben has this smile, pushing his hood back with his hand, hand through his hair as he sighs.

"Well, Highway," Ben winks, and Callum smiles. He can't help it, neither of them can, the gentle push of adrenaline still ticking through. Maybe it'll be easy to be friends once more. "Not bad."

"Not bad?" Repeats Callum, sitting back on the hood of his car as Ben comes up to him. "I beat you."

"Yeah, you did," and Ben lifts up his keys, not one drop of disappointment in his expression. In fact, he's glad Callum won, because the emotions he felt chasing him to the finish line trumps losing his entire car to him. "So, deals a deal."

Callum frowns, thinking back to their first night, how Ben took _Callum's_ keys.

Callum holds his hand, and for a moment, Ben's expression softens, eyes moving towards how they fit so perfectly. He pushes Ben's hand back to his chest, smiling as Ben idly looks between them multiple times.

"I don't want your car," he says, not wanting to let go, but he needs to. Ben looks full of grief when Callum takes his hand back.

"Then — why race me?" 

"I wanted to," Callum shrugs, looking to the ground. "I knew if I wanted to step back into your life, I needed to fit in with it."

Ben blinks, almost lost at how Callum believes he's not in his life anymore. Did he think that himself or did Ben make him believe that?

Callum lifts his gaze towards him again when Ben lingers in silence.

"What?" 

"Why are you saying that, Callum?" 

"Because it's true," Callum feels a bit uneasy, now.

"I never said you weren't, and for the record, you coming here is dangerous, especially with _that,"_ he gestures to the car Callum's sitting on. "You — you came here to prove yourself? When it was _you_ who walked away?"

Callum watches the moment slip away from them, and as he stands up to explain himself, he's too late.

Ben has the spirit of a growling dog when he shoves Callum, almost symbolic with the way a car passes by, engine growling at the exact moment Ben grips a fist full of his shirt.

"Why are you _here,_ Callum? How did you even know I was here?" His eyes search over his face, and Callum watches the guarded expression soften. He's almost wishing Callum to say everything he wants to hear.

There's no lying. Not anymore. Not for Callum.

"You," swallows Callum. "I'm here because of you."

Ben's grip falters, Callum's shirt slipping from his fingers until reality catches up again, until the words Callum spoke to him a month ago catch up to him.

"No — _no you're not,"_ Ben's laughing at him, and Callum's stomach curls from how broken it sounds. "You ended things, _you_ walked away. You can't come back and expect me to be putty in your fucking hands because you bested me in a race, Callum."

Callum stands up, using his own height as leverage so Ben isn't pushing him against the door of some strangers car.

"I'm not expecting you to be anything, and god knows we already tried that, didn't we?" Callum feels some sort of victory from how Ben's eyes widen. "I came here for you, because you're worrying your family _sick_ with—" Callum looks out to the sea of cars, of strangers and the thick blanket of night over them. "This _game_ you play."

Ben clicks his tongue, sniffs.

"A game, is it?"

Callum realises he's said the wrong thing before Ben even starts speaking again, and he goes to reach for Ben to settle the storm before it thunders. He's too late. _Again._

"Do you know how many times I've had to walk away from someone like you? You ain't special, Callum, none of you is," Ben shrugs, keeping up the act because his heart is practically crying, _begging_ Ben to stop so it doesn't have to witness the mild, numbing pain reflected in Callum's eyes. "You're all the same, thinking you can somehow _fix_ whatever bits and broken pieces I am. Well, let me make your job easy."

Ben takes a step forward, lifts his chin so the height difference somehow isn't one anymore. He didn't even need to do that, his words are enough to crumble Callum on their own.

"You _can't."_

Callum wants to prove him wrong, to tell him that's not what he sees, but the way his throat constricts when he swallows feels like the pressure is becoming too much to even breathe.

He's broken, beyond human when he finally replies; "You were someone to me. You weren't — you weren't someone I _wanted_ to walk away from."

"Bit late for pitty talk, ain't it?" Ben almost looks amused, bitterness in his smile.

Callum shakes his head, swallowing the pressure lumped in the back of his throat. He thought this would be easier, that Ben would see him in his world and suddenly realise it's not right.

Now that, if anything, is a fool's fairytale.

"Love someone else, Callum," Ben lifts his arms as he walks backwards, trying to ignore the shine he can clearly see in Callum's eyes as a car drives past, headlights diagonal over his entire frame until the night hugs him again.

 _I can't_ is whispered under Callum's tongue, and he watches Ben reach a cars length away before hearing more inevitable punches to his soul.

"There's no prizes for second place," Ben shrugs, tears in his eyes from being the one to walk away this time. "There's no winning in love."

And Ben turns, pulling his hood back up before getting into his car.

Callum wipes the stray tear with the back of his wrist as he watches Ben's car fade into the distance, and he's left in the loud, drowning music and engine exhausts that no longer scare him.

Because the scariest thing of all is the void in his chest, how it's growing, the faith he has that Ben will turn back and beg for _them_ to he happy dwindling with each breath he takes.

He's right. Love is a losing game Callum keeps on willingly playing, and Ben's already quit, thinking he found it and lost it.

They both did. Their frequencies are mixed up, driving on different roads. He needs to find out what will make Ben see they fit together just like their hands do.

Ben's capable of love, Callum knows that.

He's scared just as much as he is, but this feels like a tipping point. Ben can't run from it forever.

_\- - -_

The bar is relatively quiet, and Callum's words ring in his head, over and over.

_I'm sorry I wasn't the one to help you love again._

And then when Ben mentioned it being over, Callum had replied like it wasn't, or he's leaving that entire question to be answered by Ben.

Even the upbeat music doesn't do anything, but at least he won't have to pay to drink his own misery away in his own club.

He orders a drink before he even sits down, and everything, every little thing seems to remind him of Callum.

Like that one night here, where Ben pushed him too far, when Callum realised that Ben knew the very secret he wasn't even aware of hiding. It all becomes rather painful, thinking that after all the trials and arguments, the good times that followed after and the moments that felt _real —_ it's all over. 

It's over because Ben is too afraid of something so unknown, something he's never been allowed to have.

So the burn in his throat continues, necking back the only glass he drinks, because the rest of the minutes that tick by are spent staring at the glass. He feels the tingle in his arm to raise his finger and ask for another, but even the guy behind the bar comes up to him and asks the question.

Ben doesn't answer, just looking at him before he turns away, heading for another customer. 

_Fuck._

Ben crosses his arms, feels cold, and has the thought to head to Callum's place and beg that it goes back to normal, even if they're just friends from now on. They both know it'll be too much too soon to go back to whispered kisses and warm hands, but just having this — _empty_ feeling in his chest is the worst feeling he's ever felt.

Not only did he lose love, he lost a friend, family.

He can get over him, surely. This one just might take a few months, because there's no way he'll run back to Callum. That's not Ben, not the _no looking back_ motto he sings like a mantra in his head. 

For Callum, he thinks he would, though. He already has turned back, just slightly, hand waiting by his side for Callum to take and _pull._

_I loved you._

_God —_ what he'd do to hear that in the present. His heart twists, stings, bloats trying to remember what it felt like to be with Callum to save himself the pain, but then it just hurts _more—_

Heartbreak. Actual heartbreak.

He closes his eyes, pushing the palm of his hand against his head as he leans on his elbow.

And to make it worse, there's a presence beside him, taking a seat next to him when everyone else got the message to avoid the thick, self loathing atmosphere and sit three seats down.

"Ben Mitchell?"

Great, someone else who knows his last name and uses it like a title. This is the first time he's been to the club since he got back from the holiday, so his _fans_ must be eager for a drop of his time.

How wrong he is.

"Not to you," Ben says, slurs his words in a manner that speaks _I don't care._

"Got a job for you," the person is persistent, Ben will give them that.

But the words don't sink in until the fog of Callum dissipates. Worry starts to prickle his skin, but he needs to stay calm.

"Ain't interested," Ben asks for another pour, and the barman walks over to do so. He needs to look like he's enjoying himself, not wallowing over his _ex boyfriend_ — is he even an ex? Ex _maybe?_

"You don't seem to be doing much else," he shrugs, looking around the establishment. "Thought that's what you used to do, anyway."

"And what's it to you?"

"You've been makin' a lot of noise, lately," the person shifts next to Ben, and he suddenly realises what this is all about. "Was only a matter of time, and I think even you know that."

Ben finally turns, the guy sat beside him clean shaven, blonde hair, elbow resting on the top of the bar.

"Cut to the chase, will you? You're not exactly my type." Well, not _Callum._

The guy clicks his tongue, "He did say you were one of _those,"_ and Ben feels anger fizz in his fingers. "You took one of our cars."

 _Shit._ He thought he was being careful, but that's comedic, since he was being reckless in the first place.

"And you're here because?" Ben tilts his head, turns to him as the thick bass fills the club. "Round two? Did your pride take a hit because one of _those_ beat you in a clean race?"

The guy loses the smirk pretty quickly. He was probably expecting an easier outcome than this, that Ben would simply quiver and beg that he's not the one they're after.

Unfortunately for him, Ben is _Ben,_ and it's Ben fueled by anger and heartbreak. There's no easy way out of this.

"No," he leans forward, pulls a note out of his pocket that he places on the side. "You're gonna replace it."

Ben keeps his eyes on him for a second, then flicks his focus down to the note. A date and location.

"And if I don't?"

The guys laughs, "You want me to answer that?"

The names _Lexi, Lola, Jay — Callum —_ they all fold in one by one, weight on his shoulders with a sickly dread.

Danny. The wolves have caught up to him, and as the messenger leaves, the note on the bar becomes Ben's entire focus, worry quickly settling inside rent free as time ticks by.

It's not until Friday next week, but that large chunk of time makes Ben anxious that this is a lot more than a job. With time like that, and the power Danny has, this spells nothing but trouble.

But he has to go, has to fix the problem he's made. Frankly, he was hoping for it, the adrenaline steadily prickling his nerves. This is what he lives for, all he knows, hand on the wheel and kicking the pedal to the floor.

It's dangerous, but danger is just another word for a guy that was born with a Mitchell tag, and even though he never wanted to be his father, he's making his own way.

Ben needs to prove he's more, that he can hang with the likes of Danny and still own the road as if it was his own. It is, around here, but if they've found him, they're not far, and they'll be following.

Looking down at the glass, he swirls it before necking it, placing it back down with some force, almost enough to shatter the thing entirely.

Ben doesn't have a home, not now Callum's ripped up the foundations of one, and there's nothing but empty road and plenty of false promises waiting around every turn.

Heartbreak makes him numb, relentless, but it doesn't make him any less of a double edged sword.

He stands up, hands on the bar for a moment before turning, heading out to his car parked round the back. Getting in, Ben breathes in the silence, holds the key in the ignition and twists it, the car awakening with a deep grumble. 

Ben places one hand on the wheel, allowing his fingertips to move down the side, down and _down_ to the small carving in the plastic.

His thumbs rubs over the _P_ carved there, a clench in his jaw that becomes heavy the more he thinks about who that letter belongs to.

This isn't just about racing, this is about his past self, past _love —_ to lay it to rest. 

Danny is the first of many races that won't be a simple sprint, and he has a feeling Callum will be the one that's always there, constant.

There's no way he'll catch up, but it could be the other way round, where Callum is chasing _him._

Ben tips his head back, looks up to the stars that light the night sky. He remembers the same ones back at the hotel, the same stars that witnessed their last night together.

He had to hold back, had to bite his tongue after Callum had kissed him, promised a thousand more days in how his fingertips held and curled around his hands.

_Please don't let this be the last time —_

They're a love written in the stars, and every time Ben drives under them, no matter how fast those wheels turn, they'll never get any closer.

Forever apart, forever cosmic — revolving but never colliding. And if they did, when they did, it was an event, something that happened for mere seconds of the universe, leaving behind nothing but the remnants of something so beautiful.

Ben wants that again, wants _Callum,_ and the only way he's going to get him back is to outrun all the demons he's allowed to race with him.

Burning rubber, growling engines — it was never meant to be a song of love, but it'll be the start of it.


	19. the knight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably my favourite chapter, and once again, thank you for All of the support <3
> 
> tw / violence, scar mention, blood, grief

_TUESDAY_

\- - -

"We could have six tables here," Matthew, one of Callum's colleagues from the restaurant is here to help him plan the event for Friday. They thought it'd be better to do it here then get fogged up in the moment of the actual establishment.

Matthew called it _room to dream._ Callum just wants some pancakes.

Unfortunately for him, though, he picked the same diner he went to with Ben and Lexi during that time he hit rock bottom. There's a good memory here, and thankfully he got to decide where they sit so it's not in the same place, but it brings it all back.

He's come far since that first night, and it's been one hell of a journey to get where he is now.

Callum hasn't been alone in that journey, either. Ben has always been beside him, in one form or another.

"Towards the front or the left side?" Callum adds, trying to focus on why he's actually here as he pushes his empty plate aside. "It might do well to have extra near the bar, more room in the middle then for the dancing."

Matthew hums, drawing over the plan with a pencil again.

"That makes sense," he says, placing eight little boxes on the plan. "I can't really think of anything else."

They've been at this for an hour already, and Callum really just wants to go home.

But his world brightens, starts to spin again when a familiar face chimes the bell at the door.

_Ben._

Callum's thankful Matthew is stuck thinking, because Callum can't take his eyes off him, trying to deduct if he's okay, if the world has been kind to him since he last saw him.

His brain supplies _it's only been a few days_ and he turns away, back to Matthew, but inevitably goes back again when the bell chimes once more.

Another guy walks in, mean looking, bald head. Callum thinks nothing of it until Ben turns around and starts talking to him, that flirty smile he's been centre and focus of for so many occasions.

"Hey," starts Callum, getting Matthew's attention. "You want another drink?"

"Yeah, sure buddy," Matthew gives him a smile, Callum giving one back.

As he stands up, he sees Matthew reaching for his phone. Okay, good. He'll use this to have a little break and he won't be waiting on Callum to return.

Granted, he doesn't even know if Ben will greet him in a public setting, or if at all, so Callum prepares for the worst.

He tries to act casual, but it's anything _but_ casual as he adjusts his jacket, coming up to the counter right next to Ben.

Ben, as usual, is more than merry to surprise Callum. He already knows he's here, already having stolen a glance.

"Fancy seeing you here," Ben doesn't give him a glance now, though. "Well, I guess I introduced you."

Well, of course he had to say that.

"It was close," Callum replies, waiting for the server to come over and place his order, and they do not a second later.

Ben frowns when he hears Callum order two drinks. He steps back on one foot to casually check his phone, reaching into his pocket. But on the way down, he glances towards where he spotted Callum.

Another guy.

Must've not noticed him when Ben's heart leaped in his throat at seeing Callum, world blurred except for him. Now, it's awfully clear, awfully unsettling at the possibility of Callum moving on after Sunday.

Callum doesn't seem like that type of guy. But does Ben really know him at all?

When the server goes away to complete Callum's order, Ben clears his throat.

"You two look comfortable," Ben hands over his change to the server, fake smile already there.

Callum smiles, but it's sour. Ben has no right to show a little jealousy.

"He's a mate from work. We're going over event plans for this Friday," Callum nods and smiles as he accepts the drinks he's ordered for both himself and his mate. "Could say the same for you."

Ben looks back to the impatient looking bald guy and shakes his head. "You're having more luck than me. Going dancing with the devils myself on Friday."

Callum tilts his head, trying to hide the amusement in his expression. But then the words come back, and Callum realises that dancing could mean cars, and the night, and more reckless fun to distract him from everything else.

It feels like swallowing truth too hard to swallow, and Callum starts to shift on his feet as Ben carries on like what he just said isn't tearing him apart from the inside. Turning up on Sunday did nothing. He already knew that, but seeing it is an entirely different weight.

"Looks like you dialed down a bit in quality," replies Callum, waiting until Ben turns back to him, a little shocked Callum has the metal to even reply that way.

He's angry and a little bitter, that's why.

"Thinking a bit much of yourself ain't you, sunshine?" 

At least they're talking in whatever way they are. No matter what's going on with them, Callum becomes more concerned about what Ben is actually doing here.

"No," shrugs Callum. "You told me that," and Ben blanks. "Or do you not remember that night—"

Ben cuts him off, laughing to himself. Of course he remembers, every single time.

"Ah, _well,_ that's an opinion ain't it? Views can change overtime," Ben looks back towards the kitchen working away. "Anyway, you're putting me off my food and it's not even here yet."

Callum glances towards the guy again, not liking the way he seems to be entirely focused on Ben.

"Seems…" starts Callum, feeling the atmosphere switch when the guy ends up flicking his attention to him. "Overbearing."

"Maybe I like overbearing." Ben is trying way too hard to not act jealous about Callum's stunning friend compared to his unfortunate predicament. "Why are you still here?"

"Where did you go last Sunday?"

Ben sighs, head back as his hands come up to rub his face. 

"For a drink," he turns to him again. "You want the whole diary of my week, or?" 

Callum shifts on his feet, turning his head away for a moment before looking back again, "I worry about you."

"You don't need to," Ben smiles as he accepts the food. Only one plate. Callum's not sure if that's just Ben or he's using the excuse to order food as a means to get away from Mr Overbearing. "I'm a big boy, don't need you to hold my hand."

_Even though I want you to._

Callum lets him go without saying anything else, but he watches after him, especially the exchange as Ben sits down opposite the bloke, adjusting the front of his coat.

The guy sighs, speaking something Callum can't hear over the music.

It worries him, what he's doing. Jay already gave him his number because he's being reckless, and it's not like him turning up did anything. In fact, it probably made it worse with Ben storming off as a result, and even though they're talking, it's not exactly on speaking terms.

Callum decides it's best to ignore it, because it's not his problem anymore. _Ben_ isn't his anymore, even though some part of him feels he was for that small moment in time.

He gives one last glance to Ben before turning away, moving back towards his friend who is still tapping his pencil against the notepad. 

As Callum sits back down, he settles back into the conversation smoothly, but he feels watched. He tries to ignore it and succeeds with his mission to do so until he's curiously looking up to the noises of the diner.

And his eyes fall on Ben almost too quickly. More importantly, Ben's already looking at him, as if he's waiting. The guy he was with is gone, and Ben's left on his lonesome nursing what appears to be a coffee.

Ben winks over at him, and Callum's lips part slightly at the absurdity of it. Is he doing that on purpose? Why is he so hot and cold?

Callum doesn't get much time to think, as Ben raises his glass in the same, almost mirror image of him that night in the Vic.

The night after they first met.

Ben's nostalgic, always, probably because he misses Callum more than he'll admit, and that now he'll only have the memories instead of present and future.

Better than nothing, right?

Either way, Ben downs the rest of the coffee, which he shouldn't really do, and stands up to leave. He doesn't pay Callum another glance, just leaves.

It makes Callum feel empty.

\- - -

_FRIDAY NIGHT_

Music is already playing from the main hall, soft and sweet, casual background noise for the conversations that'll flow through this place for the next few hours.

Callum's excited. He's been working all week on it, time spent away from thoughts of Ben, and now he finally gets to see the outcome of it.

Matthew was the main supporter in all of this, being a step down from Callum's own position as head chef, but all in all, the teamwork is what'll help bring this together.

Whitney and Chantelle are expected near hour two, and Callum is looking forward to seeing them, even though his gut tells him it'll be painful in some way. In what way, he doesn't know, but the initial nerves are unsettling, to say the least.

He's been here for about two hours, putting up final decorations with other members of staff; silver and gold ribbons, fairy lights of a golden colour wrapped around every pillar they can find. It looks incredibly inviting, warm and cozy. He's not sure why they don't have this look permanently, but then what would they do for a special occasion?

Callum brushes his hands together as he heads back to the kitchen, smiling at the other chefs as they all exchange easy words. It's more nervous chatter than something focused because it's a big night, and everyone needs to be on their a-game.

Just as Callum ties the knot on his apron, ready to get into prep, his phone starts ringing. A few people look back, and Callum apologies when he sees the name that pops up on the screen.

_JAY_

Which, ultimately, means something to do with _Ben._

And Callum, deprived of the comfort and closeness he had before, doesn't see another way except picking it up and answering. He tried to help once, and sometimes it takes more than a few. 

Callum just hopes it's not a hundred times or so.

He should be ignoring this, though, focusing on the big night ahead, not whatever mischief Ben's heading for.

Upon answering, Callum doesn't even have time to say greetings before he hears Jay's voice break through the speaker.

 _"Callum, I need you down here,"_ Jay sounds rather hurried, background noise heavy. It startles Callum.

"Jay? Is everything alright?"

 _"I don't know,"_ there's a break, more clicking. It sounds like a key in a lock. _"I just need you to get down here. I sent a location to your phone."_

Callum looks out towards the rest of the chefs already starting prep work. He shouldn't be on the phone with a friend when the biggest event of the restaurant's year is starting in less than an hour.

"Jay, I can't," Callum pushes a hand to the side of his neck, rubbing. "I'm needed at the restaurant — but are you alright? Why are you calling?"

_"It's Ben."_

Those words make his spine _freeze,_ and Callum has to take a deep breath and prepare himself to speak so his voice doesn't break. It doesn't work.

"Ben? Is he — is he alright?"

 _"He's in trouble,"_ Jay finally talks without background noise, a single click muffled in the background. A lightswitch. _"You have the fastest car out of all of us, and they know my car. They have no idea who you are."_

"Who — _who_ are you on about, Jay?" His fingers are shaking, rib cage rattling. Callum's mouth feels suddenly dry.

 _"I don't have time to explain, Callum! Ask Ben when you get him out of this shit,"_ Jay doesn't want to say _if,_ because he can't imagine his brother at heart in the scenario of an _if._

Callum looks between the door and the main part of the kitchen. It shouldn't even be a choice. His job should come first, not the guy that's constantly shoved him away.

But — it's _Ben._ Ben is family, more than family. Callum loves him, still, probably always will as the first love to ever take hold of him, to shake him so much that his whole life has practically found a new normal.

And he means a lot to him, heals the void in his chest, the fear of being lonely. Ben is the hand he holds that always fits, no matter the tension, the fire or friction between them.

Callum might lose his job if he exits right now to go save Ben from whatever he's walked into. But he could also lose Ben, even though it feels like he already has.

He thumps the back of his head against the wall, eyes closed. The white noise from Jay on the other end of the phone doesn't help at all, because the silence makes him think more about scenarios he doesn't want to.

Time's up.

Callum can't _think_ about this anymore. He needs to make a decision.

Keep a stable, present future — or chase a future that's knocked him off balance ever since he met him.

It's easier to see a happy future he wants rather than a future that does nothing but stay the same. It's uncertain, both versions are, but he's already made his mind up.

Ben. That's what he wants, the family he needs. Jobs are replaceable, his heart isn't.

He gives one last glance to the group of cooks, biting his bottom lip as they all seem excited for the event. He's going to miss Whitney and Chantelle, too, but they'll be the only people to forgive and understand why he did this.

"I'm on my way," Callum says, putting the phone down as he unties the apron, shoving it on the side as he dashes out the back door.

\- - -

It's a short drive, probably because Callum floors it when it's safe to do so. The thought of Ben in trouble, or that he's going to be gives him small pins at the back of his neck. He's anxious, always will be, that's who he is when it comes to loved ones.

When he arrives at the address Jay gave him, one of the garage doors is open, light on, and Jay is standing there ushering Callum to park the car inside.

He thought Ben would be here, or they're meeting to go off together, but Jay did mention he can't because they know his car.

Jay shuts the door behind him, clapping his hands together as Callum steps out of the car.

"We need to wrap this," Jay says, tapping the car. He then reaches for the rolls of black material that doesn't shine even under the bright ceiling lights. "Here."

He throws Callum a roll, almost not ready to catch it, but he does.

"What's this for?" he asks.

Jay sighs, getting a hairdryer from one of the toolbox compartments and plugging it in.

"I forgot you aren't a car person — well, you don't need to know this part," Jay checks the thing is working before placing it aside to get some wrap from the roll. "It's like wallpaper but for a car. Stays on for as long as you need it to, pulls off without damaging the paint underneath."

Oh, so they're making his car better for the night, unrecognisable.

"As much as I love the blue, it's like broad daylight in the middle of the night, and if these bastards are as stubborn as we know them to be, they'll try and catch up," Jay saying this feels like Callum's suddenly bit off more than he can chew. "Get wrapping, yeah? Consider it practice for Christmas."

And they don't talk again, the only noise in the garage being the hairdryer and scissors cutting material. It's not the best job, and Callum starts to worry when Jay seems to be taking his time applying it to the various shapes of the bodywork.

"Do we need to do all of the car?"

"Yeah," Jay replies, pushing his thumb along the edge of the bonnet so the wrap goes down the crease. "Ben isn't even on his way yet, the idiot left the note of the entire operation in his house on the side. He tried to hide it when he realised I had come round to say hi."

Callum would smile if not for the situation. In a way, it almost seems like Ben left it there on purpose, a cry for help in a way that wouldn't get him caught.

"From the time on the note, we have about twenty minutes before Ben is due to leave on his way," Jay looks up to him, offering a quick smile. "So keep focused. You got a long night ahead."

\- - -

Ben regrets everything. He does.

If he had gone home with Callum that night, avoided going to the bar, he wouldn't be on his way to something that doesn't spell disaster.

He shrugs his leather jacket onto his shoulders before heading out, dread sinking in when Ben unlocks the car. Orange lights blink back, and the click of the door doesn't make Ben feel alone in the silence.

Once sat inside, he lingers on the front screen of his phone. It's him and Lexi, having changed it so Callum isn't there every time. But even if he isn't the star of his wallpaper, Callum is still on his mind.

He has the thought to text him, apologise for the way he's treated him considering he doesn't know the outcome of tonight.

Ben decides against it, shoving his phone back into his pocket. He already told Callum to leave it, to leave _them._ Callum said it, too. There's no reason for a goodbye when it won't even feel like one, because in the end, he doesn't want to say goodbye to Callum.

In fact, he hopes he can get out of this. One last silly mistake before the world becomes clear of what he wants.

Ben ignites the engine, puts the car in drive and heads off. It doesn't matter how much his nerves start to burn beneath his skin, this is his own fault, and even Ben's own stubbornness can see that.

But this is the last time. Do it, sing a good few praises and head back to Callum's house and hope it's not over. It sounds so simple, so easy in his head.

He makes good time, keeping the engine warm in case things get sticky. Ben's a good driver, really good, knows this car like he made it himself, but the stupidity and the time they've had to plan doesn't sit well with Ben.

Turning down an open road, Ben is about ten minutes away from his destination when he catches a flash of headlights in his mirror. He's suspicious of it, turning another corner at casual speed to see if it follows him.

It does.

 _Shit._ This is already bad.

Ben tries something else, easing the car to a higher speed, and the headlights never seem to fade. Definitely following.

He's five minutes away from the place they're meant to meet when more headlights appear, and this time, straight in front of him. They're heading for him.

Ben's about to kick the car into a slide so he can get around them, but headlights flash to the side of him.

A car fit with a grill _slams_ into the side of him from the dirt, pushing Ben's car into a spin, thankfully not a roll. Metal creaks with a sound that makes his skin crawl, and Ben's world goes dark.

When the car stops its own drift, it rolls on wheels until it comes to a stop, one of the wheels stuck in a patch of mud.

Thankfully, Ben didn't hit his head from the impact, and it's a few moments of blinking rapidly to try and focus the world again before he feels his arm being tugged.

Ben still doesn't have the strength in his concious to fight, especially not when he feels himself hit the tarmac, a blurry figure hammering a fist to face.

It stings, radiates pain outwards and in, feeling it in his very core. If anything, it wakes him up.

"Ah," Ben starts, the world coming back to him as he smirks, already feeling the blood on his lip. "Hello, _boys —_ quite a nice night, ain't it?"

More cars pull up beside the scene, more of Danny's men, and they start opening Ben's car as one of them picks Ben up and shoves him against the side of it.

And it's him. It's Danny himself.

"We warned you, and you didn't listen," Danny says, spits, shoving Ben again. "Not so smart now, are you?"

"Mmm, well," Ben laughs as he tips his head back. "I knew this was gonna' happen. Don't take long to connect the dots when you give me a week to think about it. If anything, I'd say you guys aren't the smart ones if it took you this long just to come beat me up."

And it's the wrong word to say, but Ben does it anyway, caving over when Danny throttles a punch to his stomach.

"You don't own the roads around here," he slurs his words, leaning down so Ben can see him, pulling at Ben's hair so their eyes are level. "It's 'bout time you learned that."

Ben grins again, laughing.

"Funny, that. I thought you had to actually win races to say big words like that, and I don't think — well, I _know so_ that you and your pack of chihuahuas do nothing but complain about losing."

Ben feels Danny grip his shirt tighter. Words are getting to him, and even though Ben's body is throbbing from pain, he's a Mitchell, and that only works well for him in situations like this.

Ben can take it, the words, the connecting of knuckles, but he can also dish out as much, too. 

"Look at you now, having to spin me out just to get your hands on me," Ben tilts his head, smirk in his eyes and on his lips. "I mean, you ain't my type, but I'm not picky when it comes to a bit of rough."

He shoves him again, breathing the same air, spitting as he speaks.

"Shut the fuck up! You don't know who you're messin' with, and it's about time you truly learned." Dannt throws another punch, sending Ben to the ground as he hears the whistle of air. "You'll be nothin' without this car."

Ben soon shuts up, because Danny's serious, laughing while he watches the smirk fall from his face.

And then a _pop,_ and another, sad whistles of wind surrounding him. They're deflating the tyres on his car. Ben's not going anywhere but with them.

"Cars ours now, you hear?" Danny drops him and sends a kick to his stomach, making Ben curl in. "I would've sent you on a job, but this is just easier, more fun."

Ben coughs, placing a hand on his stomach, and still, he laughs, but it's getting hard to fake how much pain he's in.

"I — _I just think you're fucking sore losers,"_ Ben grins up at him, and the Danny clenches his fist ready to floor it downwards, but he stops.

"Hey, is that one of ours?" One of the other men gets the attention of the others. "I thought no one else knew about this."

Ben rests his head on the cold floor, able to see beneath his own car and to the distant road ahead.

Headlights, rapidly approaching. He knows the sound of the engine, the name that warms the sting in his chest when he thinks about it — but the colour doesn't match.

He closes his eyes. _Fuck._ The world is taunting him one last time.

"I don't recognise the car," one of them says, and Ben's lucky his hearing aid didn't fly out after the punches, but the result is ringing that's so loud it's more painful than wherever he's been hit.

"Wait—" another says, "Move! It ain't stopping!"

All the men dart as the turbo gets louder, and they all jump behind the safety of their own cars even though the man behind the wheel has no intention of doing what they think. 

Ben opens his eyes again as he feels the ground shake, warm brakes glowing orange beside him when he blinks a few times.

 _Holy fuck._ He installed those rims, those tyres.

It's Callum's car — what is he doing here? How did he know?

Callum steps out of the car as the smoke twirls from his tyres, red brake lights glowing through the smoke like something straight from hell. His hand curls tight into a fist as he spots Danny, heading towards him, the same man he saw punch Ben from the glow of his headlights.

"Ah, more the merrier!" Danny jokes, laughing through yellow teeth.

In fact, Danny doesn't realise how tall Callum is until the steps between them grow shorter, and what was beginning to be a rather satisfying ordeal in the guy's head is starting to fray at the edges.

In fact, he couldn't be more _wrong._

The muscles in Callum's arms lock, tense as they build pressure, and he _swings — crack —_ knuckles connecting with Danny's jaw, sending him straight to the floor.

Callum breathes out, then out again, the sharp way in which his lungs work trying to keep the anger settled in short bursts, only when he needs it.

The others are still recovering from dodging Callum's car, and he uses that time to turn to Ben, kneeling down, hand on his face.

Callum's adrenaline doesn't let him find peace, not when they're still in danger, even more so when Ben lifts a weak arm to grip Callum's jacket sleeve.

He's in a bad way, more bruised than broken, but he needs to get him out of here.

"Come on, Ben," he gets an arm around him, lifting him up, Ben slapping his hand against the side of the car so he has some sort of leverage that isn't Callum.

And thankfully, Ben gets in, sighing as the seat feels a lot more comfortable than cold tarmac. He coughs, leaning his head back, and closes his eyes just as Callum shuts the door to his side.

Callum almost jumps over the hood to get back to the driver's side, giving a panicked glance to one of the men that grabs onto the spoiler of the car.

"Hey!"

But the engine is still running, and Callum kicks the car into drive, closing his door as he heads off, kicking up smoke and understeer, turbo whining as the number on the dash ticks up.

Callum glances quick towards Ben, and he sees him moving his head around. He focuses back on the road, then another glance to his rearview mirror to see headlights moving.

They're chasing. It's not over yet.

"Ben?" Callum calls, snapping the gear stick up another level. "Ben, talk to me."

There's a grunt, and what sounds like a laugh, but Ben responds.

"You're a fool, ain't you?" Ben says, voice like sandpaper.

Callum doesn't reply. It's not the time for this, not when the headlights behind them are persistent. Unfortunately, so is Ben.

"Why are you — _why are you here?"_ Ben's eyes close, head thumping against the seat again.

"Are you alright?"

Ben huffs, but then makes a face resembling discomfort when he tries to move.

"Relax," he says, but Callum clearly isn't. "Not like I ain't been through this before."

Callum's hand tightens on the wheel, biting his lip. _Fuck._ If only he knew what he really meant at that diner, he would've known and prevented this.

"Just — rest, alright?" Callum glances to him again, and this time, Ben's looking at him, head angled towards him. 

"Why are you here, Callum?" He sniffs, then looks back to the road as it appears and tumbles beneath the car quicker than he can blink.

"I've answered that before," Callum shifts another gear, another quick glance to the mirror. One of them is gaining on him.

Ben frowns, trying to recall when he did say something like that. Then the night comes back to him, the night of the week before when Callum beat him fair and square.

_You._

It's always been Ben.

And that thought makes him close his eyes, settling into the seat until Callum speaks up, "Hold on."

Ben doesn't think he means it until he sees Callum reach for the handbrake. Oh, he _is_ serious.

Gripping the side of his chair, Ben braces for a failed execution of what should be a drift, but Callum swings the wheel, locks the tyres, and pushes the pedal.

The car slides, engine repeating the same muffled pulse of acceleration, Ben watching as Callum gears the car onto a new road around a corner.

Ben feels quite proud as Callum eases it back to full control with a little snap of the wheel, but the ache in his chest is more than enough to keep him quiet. That _and_ his pride.

One of the cars is still following them, but Callum's quick decision to switch the road they're on fooled them, and there's absolutely no way mere brutes would know how to execute a drift.

Callum breathes out, as if he wasn't expecting that to go as well as it did. Either way, they're gaining distance, and Callum unleashes every spark under the hood as the number on the dial climbs.

Ben closes his eyes, the thud of his heartbeat in his ears, but the world starts to fade out. He can hear the turbo, the exhaust popping when the gear shifts, his own breathing in his throat.

He's okay here, okay to let Callum drive, complete trust.

So he watches the road, the tingle of adrenaline still moving over his skin, simmering out with every breath he takes.

The headlights are long gone. Callum took them by surprise, and he got out of there quicker than they could react.

It's relief, mostly, sinking into the seat a little more as he rests one arm on the window, the other hand resting on the wheel as he allows the car to roll, foot off the pedal.

"Not bad," Ben whispers, a smile clear in his voice. Callum doesn't dare look. 

"For a rookie?"

Ben snorts.

"Yeah, don't think you're a rookie anymore." Ben wipes the back of his wrist against his nose. Blood. Great.

"Then what would you call me?" Callum asks, grateful for the light conversation when his shoulders still feel tense.

Ben ponders on the question, looking over to Callum and watching how his smile grows at the words.

"I'd say average."

"Then if I'm average, you're a rookie," Callum taps his fingers on the wheel. "I beat you, remember?"

"I let you win," lies Ben, turning away and choosing to stare out the window instead. The clouds are heavy, a promise of something angry.

"Sure," replies Callum, turning down another road.

"Not to be forward, but I can't go back to my house," Ben leans his head against the plastic frame near the seat belt holder. "I'll have to stop at yours."

"We aren't going to either," says Callum, as if that's completely fine.

Ben grunts as he shifts in his seat. _Shit,_ his jaw hurts too. That guy had a good left hook. _Such a shame_ that Callum had an even better one.

"Then where are we going? Abandoned theme park? Forest getaway?"

"You speakin' from experience?"

Ben laughs, but it shifts to agony when he places a hand to his chest. Yeah, definitely bruised.

"Not at all. They're on my bucket list."

Callum doesn't know whether to laugh or question why he's out here saving him after that reveal. But then he senses Ben's smirk. Sarcasm, of course.

He chooses not to reply at all, turning onto another road.

"You're not the only one with secrets," Callum leaves it at that, a little shocked Ben doesn't immediately question it or attempt some sort of joke.

"Oh my! What a night it's gonna' be," Ben shuffles again, nothing seems comfortable. "My knight in shining armour _and_ a bucket full of secrets. I can't think of a better Friday night."

"Maybe a hot chocolate and a film binge?"

"Average," replies Ben, enjoying what little conversation they're having as the countryside starts to grow thick around them. "Boring."

"Then you ain't done it with the right people," argues Callum, shrugging as he starts to slow down a bit. The roads are getting narrower here, and he doesn't want the risk.

"Big talk from you, ay sunshine?" Ben rolls his head on the seat so he can look at him. "I'd say that was an invitation."

Callum's heart leaps, "Maybe it is."

Ben smiles, chuckling to himself before turning away again. Actually, he wouldn't mind doing exactly that right now, especially if Ben can just — _sink_ into his arms and forget about the world for a bit.

He misses his touch, the way he feels so warm. Ben might get a glimpse of that again and the thought of it makes his fingers tingle.

"Get some rest," Callum starts, rather enjoying the ride now, considering they're not being chased. "It's an hour drive from here."

Ben already has his eyes closed. In such a state, Ben would usually be alert, ready to distrust even his friends, but he can already feel his body falling numb to Callum's voice. 

"If I wake up at the beach I might just kiss you," Ben stretches his legs out, sighing.

Callum gives Ben a quick glance, and his heart feels stuck in his throat. They haven't kissed since the holiday, and it feels awfully cold that Ben would just joke about that when he's missed him.

Granted, he might not be lying, but to play with Callum's heart like a game again is too much. Callum sniffs, sitting back and driving the car with care. Ben starts doing these little snores ten minutes in, and knowing he's asleep gives Callum a bit of breathing room.

After another ten minutes of driving, Callum pulls into a parking spot, taking out his phone as the engine runs quietly.

_Callum, Friday, 01:07am: [got him, he's shaken but fine]_

_Jay: [keep low for the night]_

Callum looks over to Ben sleeping, sighing as he puts his phone back in his pocket. Maybe he'll open up, maybe he won't, but all Callum cares about right now is making sure he's alright.

He leans over, hand hovering near his face. Touch provides comfort, he knows that, but he doesn't know if his touch is warranted, and Ben might startle and retaliate.

Callum doesn't want that, so he settles with leaning back in his seat again, looking out to the fields and wondering if this is a bad idea.

They can always go back to Callum's place, but then it'll create tension, forced interaction because of Pip pining for both of them.

He bites the end of his thumb. There's no other options, and frankly, Callum's tired of trying to convince him that they're something more. He doesn't have to think about this, more so pretend it doesn't hurt when Ben jokes about the holiday or them in general.

They'll sleep the night off, go their separate ways again.

Sounds good, but doesn't sound as easy to do.

\- - -

Callum switches the headlights off when they reach their destination.

It's a little bit of a nostalgia trip to see it, but every time he comes here to check up on it, he gets the same feeling.

A cottage house, two floors, surrounded by pops of colour from flowers and fields as far as the eye can see. Callum grew up here, at least part of it being here. It's his Mother's summer home, one they always went to when school was out, and Callum would spend hours running through the fields with his siblings.

All the lights are off, and the house is nothing but a time capsule. To Ben, it's just bricks and mortar, but to Callum, it has his childhood room and memories of making stacks of pancakes taller than himself.

He was happy back then, a kid with the world ahead of him.

Ben stirs beside him, rubbing two fingers against his eye until he hisses at the bruising. And then it doesn't take him long to come to, blinking and sitting up slightly in his seat. It's quiet, only the promise of thunder behind them.

"Where are we?" Ben asks, finally turning to Callum, Callum still staring at the house itself.

"My family home," he turns back to Ben, pulling the key out of the ignition. "Well, our summer home."

Ben pauses. He doesn't know how to respond to that. But what he does do, is look down to the keys in his hand, Callum finding a singular key that must open the house.

He doesn't know why Callum having his car key connected on the same keyring as all his other keys means so much to him. It's as if he never planned on giving this car back, even after they parted, and the Ben a few months ago would've been pissed at that.

Now, it's more relief, as if Callum doesn't want to let go, that he wanted to hold on to something between them even after they parted. Maybe Callum feels as if this car is truly his now.

"Why did you… why did you take me here?"

Callum shrugs, fiddling with the keys in his hand.

"It's quiet, safe. Thought it'd be better than most options," Callum pauses for a moment. "We can — we can go somewhere else if you aren't comfortable here."

Ben debates it, Callum can see he is from the way he twists his tongue. 

"Does this mean I get to see an embarrassing family album?" Ben smiles along with Callum, admiring the small chuckle that breaks through Callum's lips.

"I mean, if you can find one," Callum clicks the door open, stepping out to the brisk wind that rattles the trees surrounding them. 

He walks around the car to help Ben get out even though he's already halfway to standing up himself.

"I'm alright," Ben says, but accepts Callum's hand anyway to steady himself. It's a rather lame excuse, since Ben's been on a thin line with himself, debating whether he truly misses Callum or is just craving affection.

Definitely the first one if the butterflies in his stomach are anything to go by.

As they walk to the house, Callum locks the car, deciding that he'll take the wrap off in the morning since it's nightfall.

Ben places his hand on the wall as Callum clicks the old lock of the door open, keeping his hand on it as he allows Ben to walk under his arm. The moonlight shines through, framing them as they walk inside.

Callum shuts the door quietly behind them, locking the door again as Ben stands there in the hallway.

Old, wooden beams across the ceiling show the heritage of the house, how it was built in a certain era and the furnishing matches a more modern era. It works, and even though it's not Ben's home, it feels as if it could be.

It's a little cold, and Ben listens to the soft thud of Callum's feet beside him, heading to the kitchen and what looks like a boiler that he fiddles with.

"It'll take an hour or two but the house should warm up," Callum shrugs off his jacket, throwing it over a kitchen chair, rolling his sleeves up afterwards.

"This place is… it's nice," Ben still gazes around as he walks into the kitchen, Callum already pulling a med kit from a high place. "You grew up here?"

"Mostly in the summers, sometimes winter when my Mom wanted a change of scenery," Callum gestures with his head to the seat. "I'll clean up that cut, sit down."

"It's alright—"

 _"Ben—"_ starts Callum, pausing as he looks at him. "Please."

Ben sighs, knowing he can't say no to him. So he walks the rest of the distance, but instead of sitting down, he pulls himself up onto the side, feet swinging as he hunches over.

Callum doesn't say much of it. He probably wants the extra height so he doesn't seem so small in a vulnerable situation.

Ben parts his legs to let Callum stand closer as he comes round carrying the box. He places it beside Ben, grabbing a wipe to start cleaning up the dirt. Pushing the jacket from his shoulders, Ben winks at him, and Callum laughs.

"Don't start."

"You take all your friends here?" Ben asks, smirking when Callum shakes his head.

"No, just you," Callum doesn't look directly at him, but he can see the way Ben's face shifts at the mention of it.

Ben flinches at the first press of the wipe, and he catches a small smile as Callum whispers a small _sorry._

"What are you going to do about your car?" Callum didn't want to ask, but he feels if he doesn't Ben will brush it off as another emotional problem that he doesn't need to solve.

"Danny got what he wanted," he squints one eye as Callum gently brushes away the dirt on top of the bruise. "I won't be getting it back."

Callum feels sorry for him, especially when his voice sounds as distant as it is.

"Will he leave you alone?"

Ben shrugs, "Don't know, do I?"

Callum decides to let the silence roll over them, rain beginning to fall slowly outside. He tenderly wipes away every crumb of dirt, careful not to agitate the swelling near his temple.

Ben has his eyes on him the whole time, and Callum swallows under the watchful gaze. He can feel the pull, the silent cosmic string that keeps them in orbit.

He feels he owes Callum an explanation.

"Wasn't your event thing today?" Asks Ben, pushing his thumb into the palm of his other hand. Nerves, guilt — it could be either. Ben is just a vessel for pain.

"Yeah, it was."

 _Was._ Ben knows he's missed it because of him.

"I— I'm—"

"Don't, Ben," Callum looks to his eyes now, not his face, and Ben has to look away. He's fallen in love with those eyes, and he feels himself crumble every time he gets lost in them. "I made my decision."

The word _you_ voices itself in Ben's head, and it feels wrong to imagine what Callum's said countless times before but never believed himself.

"What was that, then?" Callum asks, folding over the wipe for a clean side. "Jay told me you were driving into a setup."

So that's how he knew. If anything, it makes him smile to think they're all looking out for Ben, Callum now being part of their family. But on the other hand, it's awful knowing the amount of effort they take to watch over him and the little effort Ben gives back to change his ways.

It needs to change. Sooner rather than later, especially if he wants to keep Callum.

But then it's the moral challenge of changing for another person, or do you change for yourself?

"Me and my Dad used to do it," Ben speaks distantly, eyes to Callum's chin as he feels the wipe against his face again, this time by his chin. "Danny was part of it. We'd get whatever car coming through and split it."

"Is that what this was meant to be?"

"Yeah, the guy said it's what I used to do," Ben swings one of his feet, chest shaking on an exhale. "I left, few years ago. I was done doing it after— after I lost someone."

Callum pauses, leaning back slightly so he can see Ben's face.

"He never showed any sympathy, my Dad, not that I expected him to. I just — hoped for more," Ben shrugs, looking up towards Callum now, "I can't even say his — his name anymore, the guy I lost."

"Why?"

Ben goes to say it, but his lips part and nothing comes out, just silence, and a look in his eyes that speaks years of pain.

"It'd break me," Ben sniffs. He looks like he already _is_ breaking.

Callum places a gentle hand to his shoulder, then moving it to his neck so his thumb can move along his jaw.

"If it does, then that's okay," Callum smiles gently when Ben keeps his gaze on him. "You don't need to be strong all the time."

Ben brings his bottom lip between his teeth, shaking his head.

"I shouldn't have done this, any of this — I almost put you in danger," Ben moves away from Callum's touch, but he makes no move to get down from the side. "This is—"

 _"—Not_ your fault," Callum cuts him off, getting another wipe while Ben refuses to look at him. "You're still trying to meet expectations that aren't even there anymore. But it's you, it's all you've known for practically your whole childhood and beyond, right?" Ben doesn't say anything, but the silence is as much of an answer as anything. "Then it isn't you. It's him, what he did."

"I'm still _me,_ I can make my own decisions, Callum," he'd push him away, but having Callum close is something he's missed, greatly. "I'm still the one behind my actions."

"But _is it_ you, Ben? Or is it the perfect image your Dad tried to make of you?" Callum brushes his thumb under his eye, Ben closing them as a result. "You can deny it, but, I don't think you'll ever know."

"Then why prove me wrong?" 

Callum bites his lip, sighing through his nose.

"Because I've seen you," Callum hears thunder rumbling in the distance, clouds awakening. It's similar to the drum in his chest. "I've been with you when you don't have this image you try to hold up."

Ben laughs, because _god,_ where did this guy come from to give Ben so many second chances? His heart's too good, too open, too vulnerable for the poison Ben feels in his own touch.

"You're a good person, Callum," he opens his eyes to see Callum looking down to Ben's hands. "Of course you'll see the good in me."

"And you may only see the good in me," counters Callum.

"Bullshit," Ben clicks his tongue. "Everyone loves you."

Callum goes silent, as if that single statement vacumns all the warmth from Callum's chest itself.

"Not everyone," Callum glances back to him, then up towards the cut on his cheek. The blood from his nose is gone now, too.

But there's still pain on Ben's face, emotionally, especially when Callum's reply sinks in.

_He means me._

Ben clears his throat, trying to change the subject with nervous laughter.

"You have a medic kit here for all of your tumbles as a kid?"

Callum knows he's trying to change the subject, and unfortunately for Ben, Callum can be persistant sometimes too.

"Why can't you see it in yourself, Ben?"

He swings a foot, then realises that Callum is practically standing between his legs, and they've never been this close in over a month.

"It's hard when you've been told to ignore it most of your life," Ben goes to wipe his wrist across his mouth, but Callum stops it, getting a new cloth to dab at the cut on his lip. "You must be rather pissed with yourself."

Callum blanks, "Why?"

"For trying to convince me, getting to know me," Ben keeps his gaze for a moment. "You ever think about what would've happened if we never met that night?"

Ben says it to throw the conversation off track, but the hesitation Callum gives in order to reply feels like the boomerang is swinging back to Ben without realising.

"Yeah," exhales Callum. "I have. Once or twice."

Ben wishes Callum was a person that lies, because god, that hurts more than he thought it would. Callum licks his lips, both of them trying not to meet each other's gaze. 

"But I don't regret it," Callum adds, voice small as his shoulders fall. "Not now."

"Regret what?"

"I don't regret anything, not with you," he looks up to Ben with his head fallen, and for a moment, Ben feels the wish to lift his hand and place it against his cheek, but his pride pushes that down.

And Ben doesn't know what to say. What _does_ he say to that?

He chooses not to, giving small smiles when he catches Callum's gaze, and before long, Callum's done, closing the kit with a _click_ and pushing it aside.

"Bathroom is upstairs on the left. Sleep in any room, they won't be back here for a while." Callum moves over to the kettle, thankful there's still a pot of hot chocolate powder from the last time he came up here for a quiet weekend with Pip.

"Your family?"

"Yeah," Callum doesn't think he should, but he hasn't had much chance to talk about his family. "My mom is in Norway. Married some rich designer. She's lovely, met her once or twice, and she makes my Mom happy."

"Siblings?"

"Two," Callum goes to wash his hands. "Older brother and sister. I'm the youngest of the lot."

"And — where are they?" Ben asking feels out of bounds, but it's rather surprising that Callum seems the most open out of him _and_ Ben, but Ben knows the least about him.

"Brother lives up north with his wife, and my sister works abroad, travels around a lot."

"Quite the bunch."

Callum laughs, "You could say that. It'd be nice to see them again soon."

"I'd love to meet them," blurts Ben, realising that he's planting the idea of still being around. "Maybe one day."

"Yeah," swallows Callum, pausing as he looks out the window to moonlight skies. "Maybe one day."

Ben smiles, chin to his chest. They're still skirting around definite answers, but it's an answer nonetheless. 

"I should, uh—" Ben jumps from the side carefully, staring at Callum's back. "Head to bed."

"Yeah," is all Callum replies, clicking the switch on the kettle, water starting to boil.

Ben waits, standing in the cold of the kitchen now the pocket of warmth between them is gone. As the water boils, Callum doesn't turn around.

It's only when the noise is gone and the small trickle of rain outside appears again does Ben speak up.

"Are you staying?" Seems a silly question to ask when it's Callum's house. 

"I'll sleep down here," Callum gestures with a chin nod towards the living room. "I'll take you back home in the morning."

Ben breathes easy knowing he'll still be here, but it's not easy knowing the reason he can't sleep is very much there and alive when the solution is only downstairs.

He pauses again, another few seconds, before smiling to himself to hide the pain.

"Night then, Callum."

Callum turns to him, back leaning against the kitchen side as he smiles Ben's way.

"Night, Ben."

And Ben starts to walk away, but each step proves more difficult, more heavy. He needs to say it.

He turns, lips parted already, and Callum is looking at the floor not expecting it.

"Thank you," Ben whispers, but the air is settled enough for Callum to hear. "For tonight. For helping me."

Ben begins to walk away, not waiting for a reply because he feels open and bare, walking up the stairs without looking back.

Callum feels frozen, but then a smile blooms, and he's smiling as he turns back to the kettle. 

\- - -

Time ticks beside him. Ben's watched the clock for what feels like hours. He's in a blue room, walls void of any posters or sparks of character. Frankly, he didn't know which one's Callum's, he just pushed through the door and jumped into the first bed.

He thought it'd be easy to fall asleep, but there's a conversation downstairs that hasn't finished. Ben walked away from another step, and now he can't sleep knowing Callum is there after so long of not feeling he'll come back.

He bites his lip, pushing his face into the pillow and hugging it closer.

It's a long battle, another ten minutes before he's getting up, throwing his shirt back on and leaving the bedroom, the sudden regret thick in his veins when he spots the stairs.

If Ben does what he feels, what he's thinking, then these stairs are the gateway to that.

Ben spots him halfway down, shrouded in the darkness of the kitchen and framed by a single candle. It's late now, early hours of the morning and there's no point attracting attention to the house if they're still searching and spot Callum's car.

It's parked behind the house, but Callum is still on edge, worrying about the potential of Danny's men somehow finding them when Ben is already in such a state.

His fist still throbs from where it connected with the guy's jaw, but it's minimal compared to what Ben went through. Thankfully, Callum got there on time, threw back a punch himself.

Callum is staring aimlessly at the mug he's holding, steam rising, and he doesn't break from that trance until Ben reaches the bottom step. He can see that Ben's eyes are red, exhaustion painted like a fresh layer over his face, and Callum watches, longs for him as Ben takes that last step onto the floor.

Ben is steady as he approaches him, not taking his eyes off him, atmosphere slowly turning and _turning_ until it hooks at both ends — and Ben's hands are on his neck, moving so his fingertips scratch the short hairs at the back of his neck.

Ben kisses him, a press of lips until Callum moves them, moves with _Ben_ the way they used to. Callum still holds the mug to his chest, but he almost drops it from how his soul _lifts,_ an overwhelming sense of coming home washing over his skin like a wave.

Callum breaks away to breathe, but he can't move far because of Ben's hands. He opens his eyes to see Ben still has his closed, a momentary pause, almost as if he's realising everything he's ever felt for Callum wasn't a one time spark, but that it's _everything._

 _"Ben,"_ whispers Callum, placing the mug behind him on the side as he watches Ben's eyes open.

He just stares, searching over Callum's face, a reflection of pain and doubt hidden somewhere there.

 _"Stay,"_ Ben replies, forehead thumping to Callum's collarbone. _"Please."_

Both of Ben's hands soothe down to his front, gripping handfuls of Callum's shirt, shaking his head against him as if Callum has every right, every _good_ reason to leave.

But he already said he wasn't. Why is he saying this?

Callum brings his hands up, resting them against the sides of Ben's head, lifting the weight he carries in his mind until their eyes meet again. They always do, eventually.

And he waits, watching Ben's expression break, softening with an innocence Callum has only seen once before. Not hearing an answer for something he wants so desperately to keep standing hurts like hell.

Callum waits, though, because he wants Ben to realise it himself, the answer to his own question, as Callum wipes a gentle thumb over the bruise on his right cheek.

Ben's lip wobbles before he manages to catch it with his teeth, pressure building behind his eyes.

"I—" Ben starts, the unstable nature of his heart proving difficult to interpret. But he does know one thing.

He needs Callum. Now more than ever.

So he holds his shirt tighter, blinking a few times to ease the burn of the salt.

 _"I can't sleep without you—"_ Ben inhales sharply after, lungs reaching for that pocket of air that pressure pushed out before. "I can't."

Callum feels the split in his heart, the physical weight that breaks it with every word he hears. It's almost frightening to realise Ben _can_ break, and when he does, it's almost like rain, thousands and _thousands_ of tiny little shards, easy to admire from safety and ignorance to it, but cold and overwhelming when in contact with it.

Ben doesn't feel so cold, though, held by warm hands that he thought left him for good, and now they're back and all consuming.

He leans into one of them, and Callum follows, applying more pressure to the side that's not inked by a bruise. Ben's almost touch starved, starved of touch that actually _means_ something, warm and whole and — _safe._

Ben feels _safe._

"I'm not going anywhere," he says, a promise, and Ben closes his eyes as Callum pulls him into a hug, kissing the crown of his head. 

They sway in the moonlight, and Ben feels his fingertips ache from gripping the fabric too much. When they loosen their hold, Callum moves, pressing another kiss to the crown of his head.

"You go on up," he says, looking down to Ben as they part ever so slightly. "I'll just finish my drink."

Ben nods, placing his forehead against his chest for those few more seconds of idle comfort before moving away entirely. He feels cold as soon as he leaves, heading up the stairs one heavy foot at a time.

It's dark, Callum's room. Ben never switched a light on when he first got here, so it's staying that way. The walls are navy blue so there's not much light reflected around, either. 

Ben does make his way to the bed, hands pressed to his eyes, irritated from exhaustion and the salt from crying. He feels silly, asking Callum to sleep beside him, and it was only meant to be about that until he got to the bottom of the stairs.

Callum, standing there, the weight of a world on his shoulders that's not his own. Ben had to move closer, do what he's been missing, what his chest feels cold without. And then it was inevitable, wasn't it? 

It's been so long, almost imountable to the amount of time he's spent longing for that one second with Callum again. 

Now it's here again, Callum walking in the room a few seconds after he does, already removing his jacket from slumping shoulders. Ben watches him as he settles under the duvet again, resting on his side and admiring what little light manages to spare Ben a glimpse of what he used to have.

Callum removes his shirt, too, running his hands through his hair to make it loose. His belt follows, trousers, basically anything too heavy or uncomfortable to sleep in.

"Ben," Callum starts, and his voice doesn't feel real to Ben. "I don't want you getting cold."

He starts searching through a wardrobe, picking out an old shirt, the print already worn and faded from countless washes.

Ben desperately wants to say _I have you,_ but nerves and pride get the best of him even in such a state, where even his energy reserves are starting to empty.

Callum approaches the bed with the shirt, and Ben leans up to take it gently, fingers brushing for a moment. Ben wastes no time putting it on, and the one thought that goes through his head when he pulls it over is that it smells like _Callum._

He doesn't quite believe it as he feels the bed dip beside him, Callum moving in himself, pulling the duvet up towards his chest so that the biting cold of the house doesn't send chills down his spine.

Ben just stares for a minute, Callum looking back, and they stay like that until Callum has the thought to turn onto his back, eyes to the ceiling instead so he's not distracted by the words he wants to say. He swallows them down, welcoming the silence until a boom of thunder hails in the distance.

The month apart feels like years now.

 _Drop drop —_ steady rain starts to fall, and the open window at the side of the bed starts to have shadows, a flash of lightning illuminating both of them for a second.

Ben is still looking at him when Callum turns to check on him.

Callum moves his hand, hovering near his face, reluctant to touch in case Ben doesn't want or need it, but he does.

The cold of his knuckles touches Ben's cheek, moving a little, and Ben's eyes close, heart humming to the gentle tune of comfort, comfort from a source that means every ounce of it, not a means to an end.

"Are you okay with storms?" Asks Callum, the back of his thumb pressing gently over the bruise near his eye.

Ben closes his eyes, moving his face into the pillow as Callum resumes small little ounces of comfort.

"Yeah," replies Ben, one eye opening to spot Callum looking out towards the window. Ben waits for the rumble of thunder to pass before speaking again. "Are — are you?"

"I'm not too bad, I guess," Ben finds fault in those words when Callum's hand stills, the lightning causing a momentary pause. "Maybe a little."

Ben debates doing it, but they don't have to talk about what this is when they both need it. _Someone._ To feel _something_ when everything else feels so hollow.

He reaches up to take Callum's hand, threading his fingers with his, slowly, remembering every second of how this used to feel, and how it's all the same. They never changed, never forgot.

Callum watches him bring it down to his lips, pressing a single kiss, then another because he can't resist, before hugging it against his chest under the warmth of the duvet.

"It — helps if I'm not alone," continues Callum, squeezing Ben's hand for a moment. Ben knew. He seemingly always does when it comes to them.

"You're not," Ben whispers, and somehow Callum finds it hard to believe. No matter how many times he thinks he has Ben, there's been countless things to prove he isn't.

Ben's trying, though. He always is. That's all he ever wants — to be good for someone.

Callum smiles, turning his head back towards the ceiling again. He doesn't mind falling asleep like this, thunderstorm outside that gives a sense of safety in here, Ben holding his hand, the warmth of him as he lays near his shoulder.

But it's barely five minutes until he feels something tickle his stomach, a press of fingertips that move over scars.

Callum opens his eyes, swallows as Ben reaches his hand up to his chest, the one not holding his hand, and places it directly over his heart. Something is going through Ben's head, and Callum doesn't think he'll ever know what it is.

Ben, however, does want him to know. More importantly, _Ben_ needs to know.

"Why me?"

It's almost inaudible, Ben's lips barely parted to speak, as if the pain he feels echoing in his chest is the one that pushed those words out.

Callum doesn't want to let this go, this moment of fragile measures, eyes to the ceiling still so Ben doesn't feel the pressure of an audience.

_Take your time. I'll always have some for you._

Callum hums, waiting for him to repeat it.

"Why love me?" Ben speaks a bit louder this time, fingers curling into a fist over his heart.

These must be insecurities, the wolves that have nipped at his ankles for far too long, and now he's falling over with the weight of them, begging someone to lift him back up.

He hopes Callum will. He hopes he hasn't ruined what destined future he feels they could have. Callum isn't a prophet, though, and Ben hoping he can explain how he fell in love with him is like solving life's unanswered questions.

"I dont know how to explain what love is."

Ben pauses, trying to curb the disappointment that feels like a pinch in the nerves of his arm. He can't stop now, not when it's Callum.

"Do you wish you could?"

Callum bites his lip, because he really does need to think about this. Would there be benefits to it? Losses? He's not going to give Ben answers with no thought considering it's taken him this long to even _acknowledge_ what his feelings could be.

"No, not really," Callum swallows, adjusting his head on the pillow, staring blankly at the window as rain pours. "I think it'd ruin it, you know? The magic of it goes away."

Thunder rumbles outside again, and the rain falls so heavy that it's almost too loud. But they're in their own bubble, their own world, and the thunderstorm is nothing but a soft, soothing backing track.

They're untouchable. The world is theirs.

Callum turns, resting on his side instead as Ben keeps his eyes on him, and when they meet, it's almost a gentle embrace without touching in how they stare, admiring, wondering.

They always come back to each other, don't they?

"What if you knew what it was?" Ben feels he's asking a lot of questions, but they're slipping from his tongue like fate through his fingers, inevitable.

He needs to know. He needs to know what this feeling is.

Callum sits on the question this time, and Ben is partly thankful he's not resorted to laughing at him for the philosophical nature of it all. But, Callum wouldn't do that, would he? 

"Then… I don't know," Callum shrugs, thumb moving over the back of Ben's hand as he still holds it. "Maybe I'd have a lot of answers for the questions I have, but I think we find them on our own eventually."

"Yeah?" Ben almost sounds hopeful that he will one day. 

"Yeah," repeats Callum, smiling. It feels like they're going somewhere but nowhere at the same time, and that's okay. Callum feels he could stay here forever, anyway.

"How would you describe it, then?" Ben asks another, and oddly, the conversation doesn't feel one way even if Ben _is_ asking all the questions. This is helping Callum, too.

"What?" Callum turns to him, and the answer is right there in the eyes of Ben. "Love?"

Callum knows he's referring to him, how Callum feels towards Ben, that it'll somehow mirror what Ben feels and it'll all make sense.

Love is different for everyone though, and that's what Ben _fears._ Even in love he'll be alone in his feelings, never having someone else recall the same.

"Yeah."

"I never really thought about it, I've never — had it like I feel I do now. But I know who I feel it with," Callum takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he goes through the names. "My brother, Lexi, my sister, my Mom — but then it's different."

Ben's heart leans against his ribs, wanting to listen, to hope for those sweet words it longs for.

"Different?" Another question, another gentle puzzle piece of fate placed in Callum's hands.

Callum opens his eyes, searching over Ben's face, trying to find a reason to lie, to hide it and avoid the inevitable pain he'll feel. But Ben's asking, and Callum is nothing but a good soul.

"Different when it comes to you," Callum brings his hand away from Ben's, connecting it with the hand that lays on his chest instead.

Ben can feel it, the _thumpthumpthump_ that sings beneath the surface. 

"In a bad way?" The shock doesn't settle in until Callum brings his other hand up, collapsing them around Ben's hand.

_He still loves him._

"No, not like that," Callum chuckles momentarily, eyes moving to the window when another fork of lightning pierces through the heavens. "With the others it's more like family, and I still feel that with you, just — there's something else entirely. Something I've never been so sure of."

Ben feels frozen in time, that if he just has this moment, he won't have to worry about anything else. He can just feel it, not label it.

But Ben feels more than just blatant fear of never being enough, it's not feeling what Callum does — because it burns his fingers, strangles his will to look away, turns his lips cold.

Glancing down, Ben looks at his hand held by both of Callum's, and there's this odd sensation in his chest that hurts but belongs. It's always been there, really, centered around Callum, blooming around Callum, but now it's taken hold of him, warm every time he thinks about it.

There's something physical gripping every emotion in his chest, anchored, as if he realises it's too precious of a feeling to cheaply toss aside as if it doesn't matter.

It does. Ben aches trying to ignore it because it just triples, grows in size until the weeds in his chest snap and break, letting the sun in.

"Like you don't wanna let go?"

Callum doesn't believe it, not until he casts his eyes towards Ben again, seeing him shift as if he wants to move closer. Those very words are inked in his movements; him curling his legs up, head moving so Callum can only see his lashes. It's all a central force, a pull of gravity that Ben is merely tuned to, as if he's finally in orbit compared to being alone and cold.

That is what it feels like, warmth in his fingers whenever they touch, the cold that lingers when they leave. They've spent so long walking around the idea of _them_ that they've never stopped to stand there and think about _why._

Why do they always come back? Why does Callum? 

It's because of that love, interlocking like their hands, the love that makes him feel like he's home, as if he fits somewhere in this large but empty world.

He's found that little spark, the cover from the rain, the parting in the clouds, the first flower blooming in the height of spring. It's overwhelming how that feeling _locks_ in place, how it's given back to him in the form of words that don't even say those eight little letters.

"Yeah," starts Callum, his voice whispering beneath the thunder as the digital clock turns _03:03._ "Like I don't wanna' let go." 

Callum repeats it so he can feel it, the relief, the ease on his lungs as he takes his next breath. Maybe it feels the same way for them, perhaps it's different, but it clearly all traverses through veins and nerves to one final destination.

"And would you?" Is the fatal question Ben must ask, because even if Callum's heart is singing to him, and his eyes are speaking words his tongue can't say — he feels the fear he's always felt.

"Let go?" Callum sounds faint, distant, and Ben's stomach twists with the inevitable rejection. 

Ben nods, reluctant, but he needs the answer that will in turn answer Callum's fateful question.

Does he feel the same? Does Ben love _him?_

There's no point in lying when the truth is there, as loud as the thunder that cracks over the house. 

"No," he says, looking down to the way he's holding Ben's hand. Callum could never let go of them, of _this._ "I wouldn't."

Ben moves his head slightly, and then decides to sit up onto his elbow, Callum still focused on his hand even as Ben can't quite believe the way his heart keeps searching. There's still so much emptiness there, and it's cold, and Callum is so _warm._ His words are so _warm._

"What if you had to?" 

Callum knows what he's referring to. That month ago, leaving him under the light of the moon.

"I'd never — I'd never mean it," Callum shakes his head, the same guilt there again, fizzing inside his chest. "I'd always come back."

Ben bites his lip, tilting his head to the ceiling, blinking so the tears don't rush down his cheek.

"You did," Ben replies, speaking to the ceiling because he can't look at Callum without feeling as if he's drowning. "You always do. You always come back. I don't know why you do."

Callum spares a glance at Ben, and even though he's right there, he's still running away, still avoiding the weight he feels because it's so unpleasant, daunting.

Because even though Ben feels as if he's drowning, Callum helps him swim, curling his fingers around his wrist as he starts to pull him up.

Callum sits up slowly, hand moving from Ben's hand to sit at the edge of his jaw. He's still right here, still waiting, still giving Ben the time he needs to understand.

But Ben's sick of it, sick of how much he wants to say it but it's lodged in his throat because he's so scared of a future he can't even begin to dream.

And now it's here, alive, knocking on the door of where Ben sits in the dark, knees to his chest and sobbing just as the line shines under the crack of the door.

"I wish I could say it," Ben's voice breaks, moving into Callum's hands as his eyes close. "You deserve that."

Callum almost cries, proof in the form of camouflaged words that Ben _does_ love him.

"You don't need to," replies Callum, bringing his head closer, their foreheads together as Ben breathes deep. "Some people can feel it either way."

Frankly, Callum doesn't know. He's acting as if he does but the only love he's ever had the chance of feeling is from Ben. He's _allowed_ himself to have it, fell for it like water plunges from the top of a waterfall. It's beautiful, the connection they have.

If love feels like this, why try to compare it? Why try to understand it? 

Callum just wants to feel, to hold it, to bathe in the warmth of it and look forward to every day that he gets to treasure it. Sometimes all he can think about is Ben, _Ben Ben Ben,_ and it's becoming his heart's music sheet, tuned to the rhythm of him, of _them._

Ben's hand over Callum's heart moves a little, fingertips pressing without hurting. It's almost as if he wants to understand how he can feel Callum's love but isn't sure of his own. But he knows it's there, loud in Ben's chest and slowly weaving itself together.

"Do you?" Ben's voice breaks, eyes open as lightning strikes, the yellow and blue bathing them in temporary light that seems to linger, as if this very second is stretching out.

"Should I?" It's here, the feeling of knowing he's not alone, that Callum's found love.

Ben closes his eyes, hands coming up to hold Callum's neck. His bottom lip is held between his teeth, and Ben is mentally staring at the line in the sand he never thought he'd cross.

 _"Yes,"_ Ben whispers, and out of everything he's said today, he sounds the most sure he's ever been. 

Callum's hands move to grip at the back of Ben's shirt as their noses brush, the same sentiment of never wanting to let go like concrete in his veins.

And Ben nuzzles him, smiles to himself at how fear that gripped him for so many years simply _vanishes._ It was all a facade, hidden demons buried by others that took that home away from him. 

Ben expects it to leave a hole, more inevitable tests and trials until he feels whole again, but Ben whispers _yes, I hope you can_ and Callum kisses him, waves crashing against the sharp edges of his heart.

Callum's arms wrap around him, Ben's hands placed on his chest, at home there. This feels like the first time they've ever kissed, slow in a motion that promises a lifetime of it, a forever. Ben breathes in when Callum pulls him onto his lap, taking a few seconds to feel Callum's hands moving under his shirt, thumb pressed against his spine as it moves upwards, unravelling the years of weight and dread that have been pinned to his back like a zip on a coat.

Callum smiles between their kisses, and Ben feels giddy as he smiles back, fingers coming up to trace the form of his face, and when he comes to his lips, Callum kisses his palm, then his wrist, then reaches up for his lips again.

It feels like Ben's floating, shivers over his skin that feel warm, as if his body is going through some sort of change, back opening up to let wings break through. Ben doesn't understand why it feels this way, so infinite, so — _in love_ that all he can do is kiss Callum and hold him as close as the universe will allow them.

Under the cover of thunder, of the rain that hits the window, they're untouchable.

Ben's missed him, so so much, and now he doesn't have to hide how much Callum's touch and care makes him unravel, how it single handedly peels back all the years of torment so he can finally breathe. 

He can move his hands without weight, without metaphorical ties at his wrists holding him back, ones that kept him a prodigy forged in whatever hell his family was. 

Even if love is drowning, Ben can breathe, can see the light break through the surface as he does, and Callum's there already.

He always was, ever since that first night and Ben first caught eyes with him. Right there, Ben could see the water he's feared so much, the delicate humanity he tries to avoid.

And now he dives in, kisses Callum as he leans up, standing on his knees, Callum's head tilting to follow him as thunder rumbles once more. They're breathless, but as they pause, eyes open, Ben knows this is it.

There's no other. No one else.

 _"I love you,"_ Callum whispers up to him, a gentle innocence in his eyes that Ben feels wash over his chest, soothing like a bird's song on a quiet morning. 

Hearing those words, the way it clears the fog and doubt that no one ever could is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Callum's always been his sun, the warmth that's always shadowed in his dreams.

Ben can't say it back, not yet, not when the current moment is so full of it he doesn't need to, shivering with the reality that he's in _love_ and this angel of a man _loves him._ Callum says it because he wants to, wanting to envelope Ben in the feeling of it so he knows it's not some fairytale, that it's _real,_ possible, _theirs_. Only theirs.

No one else will feel like this. It's their love and theirs alone.

Callum holds him. He just — _holds him_ and Ben never wants to leave. Callum's face places itself to Ben's neck, placing small, soft kisses that make Ben almost dreamy, in a state of limbo between letting go and being consumed by nothing other than Callum. As Ben threads his hands through his hair, tingles grow outwards from every touch of Callum's fingertips over his back, the thunder outside beckoning overhead.

Ben could laugh. If fate didn't want it this way, and if someone upstairs in the silver gates is angry at Ben of all people finding golden happiness, then he doesn't care.

Yeah, he's not built for love, hasn't been told to expect it, but Callum's hands moving over to his stomach and then back to the notches of his spine makes him breathless. Callum's done this all on his own.

Ben wants to say it, whisper _you were the one to help me love again —_ but maybe he can do what Callum does.

To just make him _feel_ it.

It's silent comfort so often looked over, something insignificant. But to Ben it feels as if he's finally whole, Callum holding together the broken pieces, the pieces he never even thought were worthy of love.

Ben leans his head down, kissing at the corner of his mouth as he pulls Callum's head back, centering back on his lips afterwards, and it's heaven, the small piece of it he's stolen for himself in the form of Callum, and Ben would fall over and over if it meant being here.

"Don't leave," Ben says between them, whispered and sacred. "Don't leave again."

It's almost a promise.

And Callum nods, their noses brushing as a result, and Callum moves his hands to his waist, gripping, thumbs moving in circles on the edge of ticklish spots.

"I never did," Callum kisses him again, once, softly. _"I won't."_

If Ben ever had a moment in life that felt like a revelation, this would be it. In the arms of Callum, surrounded by him, promised love in a way never thought possible — this is the stuff young Ben was told he couldn't find, didn't deserve.

But now Callum kisses down his chest like he's treasure, and they fall into this moment that will be held between them even after they're gone.

Ben is undoubtedly in love, madly in love, _inevitably in love_ with Callum. Not because of greed, or late nights, or cars, or that one night stand — it's genuine, bone gripping, butterflies in your stomach love and Ben can't get enough.

He doesn't think he ever will, not when Callum steals time for them, gives it back in spades. He lost faith so young, but now Callum has given that hope back, the dream now a reality, and Ben cries as Callum kisses him, holding his head like a frame holds priceless art.

Because it feels real, it _is_ real.

And Ben falls asleep in his arms after, fingertips gentle in Callum's hair as they tangle together. Their hearts weave together, too, repairing the heart string that never really snapped because it was never just that.

It's fate, anchored the night they met, pulled to the surface just now. 

Clear as day, as warm as the sunrise. Ben's found it, at last.

\- - -

Ben awakes to birds, to soft kisses between his shoulder blades, and his body blooms with tingles that he won't dare admit to.

Last night happened, and it's still real, not just another dream he dared himself to have.

Callum's fingers run along his thigh, and Ben keeps his eyes closed as he listens to the world around him. They'll have to go back outside soon, face the dangers, settle where they stand even though it's clear where they do.

Ben keeps saying it, but a forever here wouldn't be the worst thing. In fact, it'd be the best thing. Callum is warm and weighted behind him, awake but sleepy, stealing time that's theirs now, not loaned or stolen. 

It's different to the time at the hotel, knowing that they had to fake appearances and _seem_ happy. Now, they really are happy, stuck in this momentary bliss before the world catches up to them.

And _they_ decide when that happens.

Callum stays in bed for another twenty minutes, Ben breathing easy with Callum's hand moving to sit on his stomach, thumb moving gently. 

It's not the thought of him staying that makes Ben smile into his pillow, it's the thought of where he's come from. Cold couches, empty houses, the backseat of his car and an empty bottle on his belly to _this._

Arms around him, lips near his ear, the one that can't understand the world quite so well, but Callum still adores it, still presses a few kisses there like he'll never get tired of reminding Ben that his self labelled flaws are anything but that to Callum.

All of us have a piece that doesn't quite fit the perfect puzzle, and that's okay. It's what makes them human, real.

But then Callum stays longer, and longer, until Ben falls asleep again with the subtle memory of Callum kissing his temple.

He's peaceful, body finally loose of knots that held him so tightly together, ready like a spring to fight his way through life.

Now, it's not like that.

Now, he's woken up with kisses on his shoulder, arms like jelly as they take effort to move, wrapping around Callum's shoulders as he turns from where he's laying to kiss him.

Callum's hand that places itself on Ben's stomach is cold, and it makes Ben jump a little. It breaks them apart, Callum hushing a little _sorry_ as he takes a glass case out of his hoodie pocket.

"Mmm," Ben kisses him again, not able to get enough. "Why are you dressed? What time is it?"

Callum snaps open the case, offering Ben's glasses. How the hell did he get those?

Ben places his hearing aid in that he left on the side last night, and marvels at how fresh, how much Callum _glows_ when his glasses finally sit on his nose.

Callum is silent for a moment as Ben sits up, eyes moving over his face. Ben thinks he's counting freckles.

"There's no food in the kitchen downstairs, and I wanted to make you breakfast, so I walked to the local town to get us some eggs and toast," Callum smiles as Ben's face softens. "Also, it's three in the afternoon. You fell back to sleep and I didn't wanna' wake you. I didn't wanna' leave but I also haven't eaten anything since yesterday, so forgive me for leaving."

Is this how it's going to be? Callum loving him like this? Perfection in every way he feels it is?

_God — he wants to cry._

"And the glasses?"

"Went to visit Lola to see if she was okay. Don't worry, I took the wrap off the car, and they're fine," Callum lifts the box as he sits back onto the middle of the bed. "Lola says you always keep a spare there in case Lexi wants you to read her a story."

Ben smiles to himself, picking at the sheets. Why does he feel shy? He thought admitting to love would make him feel weak, but it feels — _good._ More than good.

"She says I look like a proper storyteller when I wear my glasses," he looks back up to Callum, the orange sun and blue skylight painting them in warmth, of freedom. "You think she's right?"

Callum shrugs, "I think they look like you."

Ben bites his lip. _Don't cry, you muppet. They're just glasses._

But Ben grabs the front of the hoodie he's wearing, tugging it upwards. Callum laughs against his lips.

"You can't do this if you want food in the next ten minutes," but Callum is a fool too, and he just keeps kissing him, Ben falling back with a huff.

"I think I can forgive you for leaving me here if you keep kissin' me," Ben's eyes drop to his lips, fingers loosening their grip to see if Callum does stay.

Ben's heart leaps when he does. He knew he would, but seeing it is believing.

"Isn't that bribery?"

"No," his hands center themselves on Callum's shoulders. "It's called an offer you can't refuse."

Callum tries not to laugh, but Ben can see it in the way he pushes his lips together.

"What? Why are you laughin' at me?"

"I'm not!"

Ben prods his chest, "You are! Stop it, just kiss—"

And Callum does, with meaning, closing his eyes to focus just on this. His hoodie flies across the room, and to where, he doesn't care. This is all he needs.

\- - -

Ben does eventually get out of bed, but not without persuasion, and Callum only gets to the threshold of the bedroom before he has to kiss Ben again. It's not like he's complaining.

It's weird, to be honest, almost scary how naturally they work together, as if always in tune. Ben blocked out all of this before in fear of it, and now he's allowing the flow, not strangling it so he can control it.

Ben watches the back of Callum as he cooks, nothing but shorts on, and Ben thinks if every day is like this, he'll gladly have it.

Ben's stomach twirls as he gazes upon the outside, the empty fields and mountain horizon. It doesn't feel like they're anywhere near home, but that doesn't matter.

No matter how far they drive, no matter where they go, home will always be where they are.

A plate clicks the table in front of him, and Ben turns back to Callum sitting down beside him.

"Hope it's okay," Callum says, thankful that the kitchen appliances still work and didn't magically break in his three month absence of always checking up on this place.

Ben still can't quite believe Callum's car key is now on all the other keys personal to him. It feels oddly final, like he knows this is it, too.

"A chef asking if his food is okay?" Ben huffs, taking the fork from the table. "But then again, I wouldn't mind reviewing every plate of food you know."

Callum smiles as he chews on his first bite of food. He doesn't talk until he swallows, his mother taught him that.

"You'd be here a long time if you did that."

Ben nods, "I know."

Did Ben just promise him more?

Callum feels the blush on his neck, Ben smirking when he tries to pass it off as an itch.

"You're cute," Ben says, finding it endearing how Callum grumbles like he doesn't believe it.

"Don't."

"Why not?" Ben picks up a piece of toast, crunching it when Callum leans on his hand.

"I ain't cute," he replies, trying his best not to look at Ben and the smile on his face.

"You are," it feels silly to be doing this as grown adults, but it makes Ben's heart flutter at how much they can joke about these things.

It's natural.

Callum shakes his head. He knows he won't win that argument, not in the slightest. So they eat in silence, and it's nice, even more so when Callum scrolls through his phone after finishing, hand on Ben's upper thigh and moving his thumb in small circles.

When Ben finishes his breakfast, the air is suddenly heavy, as if without a clear indication as to what's next, they fall into countless questions again.

Yes, last night was incredible, both of them opening their hearts for either to reach in and take, but now they're faced with the aftermath.

Or more so, _Ben_ is, since he's the one that said no to Callum in the first place. Callum seems to know that, moving his hand up and down Ben's thigh, a weight to keep him sat, as if to say; _we have to talk about this._

There's no running away a second time, or maybe this is their third. It feels like a constant loop that only Ben can break, and he doesn't know his life _without_ that loop.

"I, uh—" starts Ben, pushing his plate to the middle of the table as Callum puts his phone down. It doesn't need to be a speech. He just needs to tell him. "Do we do this?"

Wow. What a way to start.

Callum has this smile like he knows. Ben is trying, he really is, and there's this look in his eyes that's begging Callum to pick up the conversation.

He doesn't. Not this time. Callum just simply lifts his head, hand moving on his thigh again. It's a look that says _take all the time you need. I'm listening._

So Ben does, head dipping between his shoulders as he sits back. It's not like if this goes horribly wrong he'll lose him, but _god_ does it scare Ben that he might.

"I don't know how to do this," shrugs Ben, laughing quietly, but it's full of nerves and insecurity. It's easy to feel it, to let Callum feel it in return, but to talk about it and acknowledge it is another level entirely.

"Do what?"

"Talk — about this. About — _us,_ you know?" Ben gestures between them. "Me and you."

Me and you. _Me and you._

Callum's lips part, and he wants to kiss him, wants to hold him after hearing what he's wanted for so long in the context that's just been given to him.

"Well, you are right now," he shrugs, and Ben pauses. "And we did last night."

Ben doesn't know if he's referencing Ben's twenty questions on love or the other thing. There's no other cheesy, final way of saying it. Ben used to laugh at that phrase, he still does, but it's mixed with the feeling of finally knowing what it feels like.

"I don't know if I'm ready to jump into a — a _relationship_ if my demons are still chasing me." He means Danny, and Callum can understand the hesitation.

"Then don't," Callum adds, leaning across the table to take Ben's hand, intertwining them in the middle of the table. "Love at your own pace. I'll be here."

Ben looks down to their joint hands, feeling sad all of a sudden.

_What if I make you wait years? What if I move on? What if you find someone else?_

Callum must see the war in his eyes because he's tugging Ben's chair by the wooden leg, and Ben is mid gasp when Callum kisses him.

They break away slowly, Ben dazed once more, delayed in opening his eyes to the gentle gaze of Callum.

"Don't think about it," he places a hand against Ben's chest, thumb scratching over his heart.

_Just feel it._

Ben hears the echo. It replays over and over, his heart's new favourite melody as Callum kisses him once more, thumb to his cheek.

_I love you, Callum._

_\- - -_

"Do you have everything?" Callum asks, hand on the car door that Ben can now see is back to the beautiful blue of before.

Ben nods, turning around from the cottage house. It feels sad to leave it, a pocket of their world that holds a memory. 

"We can come back," Callum says, watching how Ben lingers on the front door. "Whenever you want."

"Really?"

"Like I said, my mother is married to her rich wife in Norway. If she comes back, they'll probably just buy somewhere to stay," Callum's smiling, as if finally getting to talk about the family he actually likes is refreshing. 

"Do you miss her?" Ben asks as he gets into the car, a drastic difference from last night hitting Ben square in the face. At least not literally this time.

"Of course I do," Callum puts the key in the slot and presses the ignition button. The sports car whistles into life. "I just know she's happy out there, you know? She calls occasionally, asks how I'm getting on."

"Does she know?" Is the question Callum knew was coming either way.

_Does she know you're gay?_

"No, she doesn't," Callum looks on, then towards the house. "I think she knows, though. We were both scared, she was just stronger than me."

Ben places his hand over his on the gearstick, "Hey, you are. You can't help what time you feel you're ready."

Callum's eyes cast down to their hands, and he smiles, turning it over to wrap their fingers together.

"Thank you," Callum says, "For helping me."

Ben feels as if he should be the one saying thanks. But he doesn't, turning to stare out the window as the dread of the real world starts to creep over them again.

The skies are clear today, and the ride is smooth, Callum turning the radio on as they drive through the countryside. Fallen leaves whip and dance as the car drives past, and Ben opens the window to let the summer breeze and blue of the sky inside.

He doesn't need to feel in control. Frankly, who would when life feels like this? Knowing he can turn his head and see the love of his life right there—

_Shit._

He can't think like that. His heart skips.

Callum would ask what they're going to do about Danny, but he doesn't think Ben would be going back to his own house if he was in danger, not after last night. It's like he said, they got Ben's car in the end, but it feels like he's lost nothing at all.

In fact, Ben gained more from that night then he had going in. 

As the gentle guitar and upbeat summer tune comes to an end, Ben has an uneasy feeling about going back to normal.

But as he turns, Callum is looking at him as he puts the car in park. They're outside Ben's house now, and it's almost night again.

"You alright? It's okay if you don't want to go home just yet. There's a spare room back at mine."

Ben wouldn't use it, they both know they'd fall into the same bed. Callum says it simply because he can, that the option is there and he's not saying it to point out the obvious.

How does Ben reply, though? How does he say that wherever Callum is, that's where home is now?

"I'm okay," Ben turns away, smiling towards his own house. "It'll do me good to think for a bit."

Callum understands, looking away before turning back again. They can't leave it on that.

"I'll call you?"

Ben meets him, glancing down to his lips before keeping the urge to himself to lean over and kiss him. Last night was a secret they both have to keep, as if taunting those waters again will break them again inevitably. Ben needs time, still.

He doesn't want to lose Callum again.

It's hushed, the atmosphere, almost afraid to go any further, but the delicate way in which they hold time to gain more seconds between them is almost painful.

Ben keeps himself away, looking back up to his eyes before smiling himself. It lingers before breaking, as if he's not quite sure if they're back where they were before.

"You better," Ben says, voice rather quiet, as if he's not sure he should be demanding anything.

But then Ben's smile grows, because Callum starts laughing a little. _God,_ he's missed that sound more than he realises.

"Text me," Callum replies as Ben places his hand on the door. "If you need anything."

"Yeah," Ben speaks away from him. "I will."

They haven't said it, but as Ben steps out of the car and back towards house, no car, Callum realises they're back to where they were before, but opposite. 

Callum was the one without a car. Now Ben is. Callum was the one to fall in love first, and now Ben is. But they're friends, most importantly, the bond they wanted back warm in their hearts.

Friends, totally _not in love_ friends. And who knows if after this they'll even kiss again, perhaps just a mutual thank you even though Ben's already said it.

He doesn't care. 

Not when Ben turns back and looks at him, keeps him there. They're different now, more.

You can't erase ink from paper, not like pencil to paper, easily changed. 

Their love is that ink, already written, destined to find — all hidden in the pages of a book they'll never see.

But they still find love, still feel the ink, written under their skin that makes up the framework of who they are. And it's those pages, odd numbers and paragraphs that start to make sense when they find that other half of their story.

The other half of _them,_ who they are, who they _love._

It's just taken a bit of time to read between the lines.


	20. there's no me without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second to last chapter.
> 
> hope you love it. i changed the ending so many times. Like god im tired of myself because of it.
> 
> Chapter dedicated to Jay — you helped me so much with this fic. I love you big time, and even though you've already read this, this one was always for you
> 
> 15k of earned softness (i hope)
> 
> enjoy x

_THURSDAY_

_\- - -_

"Thank you so much for this," Whitney opens the door for Callum, smiling as he simply shakes his head.

"It's nothing, honestly," says Callum, placing down her bags as Whitney shuts the door behind him.

"Nonsense, you're the only one with a car!" she walks past him, gesturing him to follow, and Callum brushes his hands on his shirt as he does so.

"Only one with a car that isn't exactly practical for hauling material," he jokes, and Whitney just clicks her tongue. "But I'm glad I could help. Is this for your new line?"

Whitney puts the kettle on, a noise upstairs sounding. It's probably Chantelle getting ready for the day since it's only about ten in the morning. There's not much else going on.

"It is, yeah!" Whitney turns around, leaning against the side as Callum takes a seat at the table. "You stayin' for lunch?"

"Nah, I've got to walk Pip," he gestures back to the door. "Maybe we can do dinner? I don't mind coming back here and seeing your new ideas."

Whitney lights up, "Can I come with?"

"Sure!" Callum smiles, leaning back in his chair with a light smile. He seems more — _free,_ light in the way he moves and free of the weight that's been holding him for months.

"Callum!" Chantelle reaches the bottom of the stairs, dressed in a rather sweet summer dress, one of Whitney's designs. "You being our hero again?"

"Oh, don't!" He blushes as Chantelle comes over to kiss the top of his head. "I'm just helping friends out!"

"Ignore him, you know he's being humble," Whitney winks their way, and Chantelle ruffles a hand through his hair before stepping towards Whitney.

Chantelle kisses her softly before placing a gentle hand on her waist, "What's the plan for today?" As she speaks, she tucks a gentle lock of hair behind Whitney's ear, smiling as they meet eyes.

"I'm gonna' walk Pip with Callum and then he's coming back to cook us dinner since he has the day off," Whitney gives a quick kiss to her cheek before turning around to Callum.

"Oh, that's exciting!" Chantelle claps her hands together, "How about I go get the stuff we need for tonight, and then I'll meet you both back here after you've walked Pip?"

Callum nods, "Sounds good to me."

It's easy, this friendship they all have. Callum thought he'd lose all of them when he came out, but if anything, it's made them stronger, closer.

Looking back, he really only does see this as the better outcome. Whitney is happy, in love and loved with every care Callum could hope for. 

Sitting there on the chair, looking between Chantelle and Whitney as they discuss what to have for food later, he really doesn't see himself happier.

He's in love with Ben, and they're working on it, but knowing what his heart longs for is there and _alive_ helps him breathe a little easier. One day, he'll have everything, and for the first time in his life, he doesn't feel so alone. 

It's warming, almost unbelievable how his life has changed from the daily grind to something worth smiling about, finding happiness in all its warmth and embrace, and nothing can change that.

Ben might turn away, get scared, but Callum knows it's there, real, and that's enough for Callum to know they could be — and a _could be_ is more than he's ever had.

He never had maybe's, possibilities. Callum was scared of them, knowing they all come with some sort of price tag, too scared to even be himself because of countless teachings from his own blood.

But now he's blooming, delicate in his heart and not his soul, bright and colourful in his words and not greed. He's _Callum,_ not _Callum in some sort of way,_ the Callum that was too afraid to take that step forward.

Now he's running, the breeze on his skin, smile on his lips and the freedom of miles and miles. He's there, he's found it, and he feels on top of the world.

Someone else has noticed, too. Whitney side eyes him as they get halfway down the path at Pip's favourite park, the same one he walked through with Ben that one day.

"You're happy," she says, trying to hide her own smile, but it's contagious.

"Could say the same for you," Callum looks towards her, hands in his pockets as they walk slowly through the woods.

"We're good, really good," Whitney kicks a pebble, looking to the floor as she tries to get Callum to open up. "But why are you?"

Callum blinks, expression turning confused. 

"I need a reason?" he's teasing, but Whitney is smarter than that. He can't dodge his way out of this one. 

"Considering you're all big smiles has to mean something," Whitney stops them, hand on his arm. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

"Yeah, I do," Callum nods, smiling a little. "You're my best mate."

They start walking again, and it's a relief to know it's not just Callum hiding something that's bothering him. But, still, there's _something_ going on and Callum isn't saying a word.

"So, are you not gonna' say anything?" Whitney tries to meet his eyes, but Callum keeps looking away with a healthy blush.

"I can't!"

"Uh, yes you _can,"_ she nudges his stomach, making Callum groan. It feels like she's trying to get his high school crush out of him. "I haven't seen you this happy in months, Callum. Something _must_ have happened?"

Callum shakes his head, looking towards her with a sweet smile, one that makes Whitney smile because she _knows_ that look.

He takes a deep breath, allowing the breeze to hold them for a minute

"It's Ben," Callum says, and the way his heart flutters is almost embarrassingly sweet. "I think we might be — you know."

"No I don't," replies Whitney, and Callum glares. "Don't be so cryptic!"

 _"Alright!"_ Callum holds his hands up, chuckling a little. "We might be — _boyfriends?"_

It's delayed, but Whitney stops in her tracks, and Callum's suddenly worried Whitney doesn't approve. But then she's running, arms around him to the point she almost knocks him over into the mud as Pip runs back to them to see what the commotion is.

"Callum! Oh my god!" She sings, pulling back to hold his face. "This is what you wanted, isn't it?"

Callum smiles, feeling tears well up quicker than he can blink. "Yeah, it is. I want it more than anything."

But then the mood stops. Callum doesn't say any more than that.

"Is it?" Whitney questions.

"Yeah."

"Then — why doesn't it seem that way?"

"I think it's because he hasn't said it," shrugs Callum, and Whitney starts frowning. The last thing he wants is tension between his two best friends. "I know it's not a big deal, but—"

"It's a big deal to you?" Whitney smiles as Pip bolts past, chasing after a duck that's landed not far from them.

"I guess so? Not really," Callum doesn't know how to feel about any of this. "I think it'd be nice to know he feels the same, that I'm — doing this whole boyfriend thing right."

Whitney laughs, "I think you were alright."

"Well, apart from the fact that I'm gay?" they both laugh, and Whitney nudges him.

 _"No,_ silly. The part where you're actually a good person. I don't know how much Ben has changed, if at all, but I wouldn't pair you together."

"Really?"

"He's harsh, rude sometimes. Frankly, I didn't think he ever had a good bone in him, but if you see something when you're with him that I don't, then, who am I to judge?" Whitney smiles, and Callum appreciates her honesty.

"Yeah, I did hate him for a bit," especially the first week. "But I know now he's got a lot of love to give, he just doesn't know how or what it is."

"Then I think he's found the best person to find that out with," replies Whitney, looking up to Callum as Pip walks alongside them now.

"You think so?"

"I know so," Whitney's sure of it. "To be honest, I don't know why you're worrying about this."

"I love him, like, I don't know how to explain how much I do," Callum glances to the ground, remembering when he was here with Ben the time he came out. "I wanna' love him with everything I have, but I feel he's too scared. Shit, I'm scared as well. I don't wanna' mess this up."

"Callum, you can't force it," she hooks her arm around his, leaning her head on his shoulder. "I think you should see what happens."

"To just wait?"

"That, or you can do things slowly. You know, do couple things without really saying you're a couple to warm him to the idea that it's not as scary," Whitney wants this to work for Callum, wants him to be happy. "Lovers are best friends too. Just because you're in love doesn't mean you need to push that aside."

"You're right," Callum moves his arm across his chest so he can place his hand over hers on his arm. "Thank you for listening to the worries of my love life."

"Oh, come on, you really think I wouldn't? I've been waiting for you to talk about this since you went on holiday with him."

Callum chuckles, realising he worried her but there's no hard feelings, "I am sorry about that."

"It's okay," she shakes his arm a little. "I knew you weren't ready."

"I don't think I'll ever be."

"That's the scary thing about love, ain't it? You don't know what's next because it's different for everybody."

Callum nods, "Yeah. It's nice, but shit, I don't know where to start."

"Maybe ask him on a date?"

Oh _no._ Callum feels his heart stop.

"I don't think he does dates to be honest. Doesn't seem like that kinda' guy," laughs Callum, but Whitney can hear he's nervous.

"Then — convince him? Ask him casually. Do something you love, make it a surprise."

Callum sighs, "I don't know, Whit. That seems — impossible."

"I think you and Ben are impossible but look what's happening."

"Cheers for that," which receives another nudge to his ribs. "What?"

"You know what I mean!"

Callum laughs, kissing the top of her head, removing his arm from her hold to place it around her shoulders.

"So, I ask him on a date?"

"Yeah!" Whitney beams. "Do it right now."

Callum drops his head back, groaning. "Right now?"

"Yep!"

 _"Noooo—_ I'm scared!" Callum laughs when Whitney goes to tickle him. "Stop! Stop! Alright! I'll text him!"

"Don't text him that! Text him to meet up and _then_ ask him on a date," she taps the side of her head. She really is a genius.

 _"Oh,"_ sings Callum, and suddenly, there's bubbles in his chest. He's — _excited?_

"What would you do without me?" Whitney sighs dramatically, patting his chest.

"I'd probably be watching a romcom at home right now," Callum jokes.

"Crying over your popcorn?" laughs Whitney.

"Crying over my popcorn."

Callum takes out his phone, and Whitney tries to peek a look at his messages because everyone does, but Callum nudges her away, both of them giggling when Whitney tries again.

"Would you stop?"

Whitney points and gasps, "You got somethin' to hide?"

"No!" Callum tries to hide his smile.

"You're a liar."

"No I ain't," but maybe he is, because even if he's not guilty of anything, Ben sure is. He did have something to say about that Saturday, and Callum hasn't a clue what to reply.

Until now.

_Callum: [hey]_

_Callum: [wanna meet up soon?]_

"You done it?" Whitney asks, and Callum's about to reply when his phone pings. "Wow, he's gone for you."

"How does replying to a text fast mean that?" Callum really is asking that, because Ben's done it a few times.

"Sounds like he practically waits by his phone for you to text."

_Ben: [where and when?]_

"Oh, god."

"What?" Whitney tries to look again, Callum lifting the phone higher. "Now that's just rude."

"Where do I meet him?" He asks, bringing his phone back down.

"Are you really asking me that? You do this part," she carries on walking, leaving Callum to rub the back of his head. Callum hears her calling Pip, but Callum is so focused on pixels he won't be able to do anything else until he figures this out.

With shaking thumbs, he types out and deletes a message multiple times. Ben knows.

_Ben: [you got nerves sunshine?]_

_Ben: [speak your mind. i don't bite]_

_Ben: [well]_

Callum smiles at his phone, but Ben's messages stop after that.

_Callum: [you know that park we went to with Lexi? with the drink and food stands?]_

_Ben: [you wanna meet there? sure]_

_Ben: [see you in an hour]_

_Callum: [an hour??]_

_Ben: [oh, did you want to meet another time?]_

_Callum: [np]_

_Callum: [no*]_

_Callum: [that's perfect. See you in an hour :) x]_

_Shit._ Maybe he didn't need to add the kiss. He waits for another reply, but nothing, and he pockets his phone and keeps his hand there to catch up to Whitney.

"So?" she asks, smile already on her face as if she knows.

"Meeting him in an hour."

"An hour? You better get home!"

Callum realises that's not a lot of time at all. He doesn't even know Ben would've said sooner but it felt too needy, too sudden. But Callum has a big smile on his face regardless, one that makes him glow, and Whitney knocks into him to hug him.

"You'll be fine, alright?" she says as they keep walking, starting to head back down the other end of the trail. "Promise."

"I'll do my best," Callum says, and Whitney feels him sigh.

"Then you'll be perfect."

\- - -

He feels nervous, but it's not that he's scared of something, it's more adrenaline and the thought of doing something wrong.

The last time he saw Ben was Saturday morning, laying in bed with him as they spoke about what love is, what it could mean to them, what it means in general and hoping that the other person feels the same way.

Callum can't forget that night, the conversation they had, the way they held each other so tightly, the way Ben's lips felt like matches against the box again, but this time Callum didn't burn.

They both did, in this sort of unified way, that when Callum pulled him back to kiss him, it was a realisation for Ben, that he doesn't need to keep starting a fire with his own bare hands when they make one together, an inferno almost.

Even with the rain outside, they were warm, blind to it, lost in the sensation of hands and lips and weight and _love._

Callum imagines Ben hasn't stopped thinking about it either, because how can they think of anything else? The answer to everything can be looped clearly, and their hearts can yearn evermore because of that memory playing over and over.

As Callum steps out of the car, he can see Ben sitting at an empty bench, hands in his pockets with his head tipped back, eyes to the sky.

Callum's right, but Callum doesn't know that. Ben's been thinking about it, about _them_ ever since Callum dropped him off back at his house.

He just wanted to walk back to the car, ask him to come inside, and repeat the same thing again because _god —_ if this is what love is, what love feels like, it's something he wants as much as breathing. He feels _alive_ with it, as if there's no need for that gigantic wall that shadows him when Callum was behind him all this time.

That wall was nothing more than past, old wounds that still dig deep, and they'll still test him, but they seem inferior when he realises a man of Callum's goodness loves _Ben._

 _I love you_ still plays in his head, and it sings louder when he sees Callum approaching him, a shy smile on his face that's equally mirrored on Ben.

"Hey," Callum says, standing near but not touching. Ben does it for him, moving to knock his knee against his leg to make sure this is all real. 

His heart flutters when he realises it is.

"Hey to you too," replies Ben, and smiles wider as Callum looks down to where they're connected. "Good job I have more than one car, ain't it?"

"What?"

"You didn't offer to pick me up," chuckles Ben, and Callum sighs, guilt quick to take over his expression. 

"I'm sorry, I—" Callum starts stuttering, but his words are pulled from his throat when Ben stands up with a sigh.

Ben looks over his face, and Callum lingers on his eyes, both of them equally caught in this mini tug of war as to _who_ will bring up the last question.

_Where do we stand?_

He doesn't feel like asking, neither of them do, not when Ben plants one hand to Callum's chest, and the other hand reaches for his jaw. Callum meets him halfway, lips colliding with a sigh that rolls over Ben's lips.

Ben is desperate to say it; _I've missed you,_ but he'd rather do it than say it, to admit to something that still punctures wounds of weakness into his fingers, almost making him flinch away.

But Callum's there, he always is, always grounding Ben and pulling him closer to orbit as he places his hands in the small arch of Ben's back. And their heads turn, lost in kissing even as the park is nothing but birds and the distant sound of city life.

Ben doesn't want to leave this moment, because being able to have this moment, biting Callum's bottom lip when his hands tug him closer softly, it's worth more than anything.

It's like allowing himself happiness in the smallest of ways, happiness he still doesn't feel he deserves, a vicious cycle that doesn't break. The curse only slightly lifts in times like these, when Callum pulls away to breathe, but he lingers, and their noses brush with intimacy Ben's never thought possible.

"I've missed you," whispers Callum, and Ben almost laughs, causing him to smile wider as he takes deep breaths. He always feels breathless after kissing Callum.

Ben should say _I thought it first,_ but knowing his feelings are shared makes every bone in his body tingle.

_God — he loves Callum so much, it's clear as night and day._

"Yeah," Ben breathes, fingertips on his jaw moving to the back of his head, thumb scratching at the shorter hairs. "Who wouldn't miss me?"

Callum clicks his tongue, feeling the rumble of Ben's short laugh because of how their chests touch.

"Big talk for a little guy," Callum jokes back, and Ben's face falls, pushing Callum's chest playfully so they break. Ben regrets it already, but he knows there's no distance between them now.

Love ties them together.

"Going for my height is a low blow," he says, and closes his eyes when he realises his mistake.

"Yeah, it is," Callum laughs, not being able to contain his smile when Ben looks away, biting his tongue because he doesn't really have any comebacks. "Hey, I'm sorry, c'mere."

And Ben tries to refuse him, mumbling _nope_ multiple times as Callum tries to tickle him closer, but Ben eventually breaks from it because Callum's _right there_ and he's missed him so terribly.

They kiss again, and this isn't why Callum asked him here. They need to talk, but there's a lot of answers clear in the way that Ben kisses back, clinging to his denim jacket, smiling when Callum smiles.

And then it's useless because they _can't_ kiss when they're mid laugh.

"How do I put up with you?" asks Ben, soothing his hands up to Callum's neck then down again.

Callum takes hold of his wrists, "Because you—"

He has to stop himself from saying it because it's not his place. Ben already said he should feel it, the way Ben loves him, but saying it for him isn't right.

_Because you love me._

Callum swallows the words, smiling, or trying to so it doesn't seem like it's hurting. Ben catches on, because it's not hard to figure out what he was going to say.

"Because otherwise, who would help save your disaster dishes?" Callum tilts his head, falling into another conversation so the silence doesn't strangle him.

Ben sways in his arms once before stepping away, prompting the start of a walk, "Watch yourself, sunshine. I can take digs at my height but not my famous egg soldiers." But then he stops, turning back on his heel. "You want a drink?"

Callum blinks, turning back to the various little market shops that were here last time. Almost too quickly, the thought of a milkshake pops up.

"Milkshake?"

Ben shakes his head, but then thinks again about it, "Well, we could."

"No quarrels between us though, right?" Callum almost regrets asking because Ben doesn't reply straight away.

Instead, he stares at Callum's hand and thinks about holding it, but a distant honk of a horn knocks him out of that trance. "No, we don't."

"So then — do we change it?"

"It's just a drink, Callum, a dumb thing I said once," Ben shrugs, but he'd be lying if he said the thought of having their own tradition doesn't make him excited for the future. "But I won't burst your bubble. Sounds like a nice idea."

Callum takes a moment to look at Ben, and when their eyes meet, he takes a step closer to kiss him, then once more, and then _again_ because they're allowed to do this now. Ben accepts it with the same measure as he does, more than friends, more than what they've always skipped around the idea of.

Ben smiles when Callum pulls away, looking down to Ben's lips before bringing his focus back to his eyes.

"Be back in a bit," he says, leaving Ben where he stands as he heads to grab their drinks. Callum is excited about the future, too.

Ben closes his eyes as Callum walks away, taking a deep breath that does nothing to settle the butterflies in his stomach. If this is what happens, if this is what it's like to be loved by Callum day in, day out — Ben doesn't want anything else.

Even as Callum fades to the near distance, Ben opens his eyes to him and starts thinking about what they could be, what they _could_ have been weeks and months ago if Ben wasn't so riddled with fear of the known unknown.

He's put so much fear between them that now, faced with undeniable and overwhelming amounts of affection and love, it's only a matter of time before he has to step back to breathe and realise what he wants. Ben can't dive in, no matter how much he's doing that now, because he still has to let go of the past, of words spoken to him over and over.

But he doesn't have to think about it when Callum is there, holding out a milkshake for him and the innocence of a smile that glows on his lips.

Ben accepts it with thanks, taking a sip as they start walking down a path marked out for dog walks. It's a lot busier here compared to where he takes Pip, and that's fine. Callum doesn't feel so alone and daunted by stuff he needs to say when there isn't as much silence.

Turns out, Ben is just as nervous as he is.

"Go on, then," starts Ben, taking another sip before he continues. "What did you bring me here for? Not that I don't like this or anything."

Callum laughs, one hand in his denim jacket pocket, the other holding his drink.

"I, uh—" Callum realises he's already said _I've missed you,_ and even though the statement still holds true, it feels like it'll be overwhelming to say it again. "I wanted to see you."

Ben could have seen that answer coming, and he wanted it to, but the fact he hears it for real is something that might always knock him out.

"I do have that effect," replies Ben, smiling as Callum shakes his head in disbelief. Of course, this is Ben, _of course_ he'll make a joke about it.

Frankly, Callum's missed it. During the time they were apart, they weren't even really friends, back to strangers, and Callum had almost forgotten what it felt like to hear how ridiculous but funny some of these are. It's a part of Ben, and Callum loves every part of a person, no matter what.

"Sure you do," Callum chuckles. "But I'm serious. I haven't stopped thinking about that weekend."

Ben nods, and even though he expects Callum to be as open as he is, it still takes him by surprise.

"You mean when you were my knight in shining armour?"

"That's the one," he can feel a blush forming, but thankfully the breeze is a little chilly. "And the bit after."

Ben looks down to his feet, trying to hide the way his chest blooms with the warm memory of it, the way he felt so whole in that very moment. 

Callum removes his hand from his jacket pocket, now stationary by his side, and Ben's conscious can't ignore it.

"Yeah," he says on a whisper, Ben's hand reaching out for his, pinky finger curling around Callum's in order to feel central again. "I remember."

Callum has to look away too, pressing his lips together as Ben keeps that contact between them, and it's like something _clicks_ back into place whenever they're together.

Ben feels it too. It's why he did it.

"I also called you here for something else," Callum takes a sip of his milkshake, mouth suddenly feeling dry.

Ben almost begs him not to ask about the boyfriend thing. It's not the time for it, and he doesn't know if he'll ever be ready. 

"What's that?" he asks anyway.

 _Shit._ How does Callum say this? How does he say it without stumbling over himself?

"I wanted to — ask you on a date," Callum takes an audible breath afterwards, and Ben finally looks up to him as the words play back.

Ben stops, trees overhead as they block the sun.

"A date?"

Callum stops as soon as he does, eyes towards him as Ben looks back. He seems… _shocked?_ As if out of everything, he didn't expect Callum to ask that.

First of all, Ben doesn't do _dates,_ that leads to relationships and buckets of emotions he'd rather not tango with.

But Callum looks serious, waiting on him to reply as the world carries on around them. It's not wasted time, though. Any time spent with each other is time never wasted considering the times they're apart they always want to catch up on what they've missed.

"Why?" is the first thing Ben says after repeating what's already been said.

Callum looks a little out of place. He didn't expect to be asked why, more so a yes or a no.

"We haven't really spent time together, have we?" Callum suddenly feels cold, like something is pulled from his chest as Ben lets go of his pinky finger.

This is what he feared would happen, Ben running from something he shouldn't have to.

Ben shrugs, continuing to walk without the contact, "We have. Plenty."

"Not like that, though," Callum looks ahead instead of towards Ben, knowing if he's too forward about this, he'll miss his chance.

"So, what is it?"

"I don't really know how to explain it," Callum feels as if he's pulling at thin air. "I just wanna' spend time with you."

"You are right now," chuckles Ben, toying with the idea of a date even though he shouldn't be playing games with Callum. "That's not enough?"

Callum can't take this anymore.

He takes Ben's hand, squeezing it even when Ben doesn't seem to respond to the gesture, Callum stepping ahead a little so Ben has to stop and look up to him.

"No! No it _is,_ just — will you just shut up and come on a date with me?"

Ben pauses for a minute, looking shocked. He didn't expect Callum to be so forward, but from the way Callum hovers, he's not accepting anything other than an answer.

"We _could_ go on a date," Ben replies, and he finally breathes when Callum closes his eyes.

And then he laughs, pushing his hands through his hair in frustration.

"You're so irritating," Callum replies. "Please?"

"I know a place, actually," Ben is thankful that the atmosphere is clearing up. 

"Oh yeah?" Callum knows where he's going with this.

"Well, I own it," Ben shrugs, a little proud of himself. "It's good."

They settle into a walk again, the milkshake going down well. 

"That's biased," says Callum.

"Not really."

Callum turns to him, laughing, "What do you mean _not really?"_

"Because it _is_ good," Ben gestures like there's nothing else to prove, arms wide. "Plus, free booze. VIP access to all the cool rooms."

"Oh, so you're cheap?"

 _"Cheap?"_ Ben mocks offence, placing a hand to his chest. "It's what anyone would do. Guess you'll just have to see for yourself."

"Maybe I will," Callum gives him a smile, and it sends Ben's heart beating against his ribcage. "But I — wanted to do something specific."

"Yeah?" Now Ben's intrigued. He's been thinking about this for a while by the sound of it. But then again, this is Callum, he always goes above and beyond.

"It's a surprise!" 

"That's no fair," complains Ben, nudging him. Callum just nudges back. It looks like borderline flirting to anyone else.

"Please? I promise it'll be nice," Callum almost sounds sad. He's really been wanting this, a chance to be with Ben, to experience such a thing as a date. "I mean, I hope it will."

Ben sighs. _God, why do you have to be so nice?_

"Alright," he says, placing a hand on Callum's chest to stop him. "I'll go on a date with you."

Callum starts smiling, then it breaks into a grin that makes his eyes shine. 

"Yeah? For real?"

"Yeah," Ben nods, taking hold of his denim jacket and pulling him in. "If you want?"

"I wouldn't be asking if—" and then he catches Ben's smirk. "Ah, would you stop it?"

"You were so nervous!" And that deserves the shove he gets from Callum.

"Of course I was!" Callum doesn't spare him a glance when he catches up, but Ben leans a little forward so Callum can see his playful expression in the corner of his eye. "It's you. Of course I was nervous."

"What's that mean?" Ben asks, taking another sip of his drink.

"I like you, love you — I'm gonna' be nervous asking you out," and he feels his heart kick itself. "On a date! Asking you out on a date."

Ben's smile is solemn. He knows Callum doesn't want to ask, and Ben has another world of love and respect for Callum that he's giving him time.

"When is this _date_ anyway?"

"Does Saturday sound okay?" Callum sips his milkshake as he looks at him.

"Saturday sounds good to me." Ben replies. Callum starts to laugh, and Ben smiles. "What?"

"I'll pick you up this time."

Ben gets it, picking up on his earlier tease when Callum had arrived. 

"You're learning," Ben sees how he blushes at the neck.

"I wanna' impress you."

"No need for that, Callum," he stops him, taking his free hand again, and Callum looks down to how their fingers join so perfectly.

_You've already done that and more._

They walk in relative silence, enjoying how their shoulders brush together and the warmth of their joined hands.

Ben updates him about Lexi, smiling as he talks, and Callum promises that he'll come over the next time Ben has her for the week. He seems to like that idea, saying they can have a BBQ and maybe invite Kathy over for a take two at meeting his family.

Callum takes that as another step in their relationship, a welcome one that he smiles at.

It's another ten minutes of general talking and catching up when they reach the end of the walk, their cars facing each other in the car park.

"So," Callum says, scratching the back of his head. "Saturday?"

Ben takes a few steps forward, leaning up to kiss him softly, smiling when Callum wraps his arms around his shoulders, hands in the air until he crosses his arms, Ben impossibly close.

And then Ben stops, lips a breath away from his.

"Saturday." 

The confirmation makes Callum's heart turn into overdrive, Ben stealing another kiss, then another and _another_ until he pulls himself away.

As Ben walks to his own car with a smile, Callum feels his heart open, light and free. _He said yes._

He quickly takes out his phone, bringing up his conversation with Whitney and Chantelle as Ben gets back in his car.

_Callum: [sorry, need to cancel dinner]_

_Callum: [it worked :)]_

_Whitney: [see!!!! Told you!!!!]_

_Chantelle: [don't worry about missing dinner! go on a double date with us sometime and i think i might forgive you]_

_Callum: [double date???]_

\- - - 

_SATURDAY_

_Oh god he's nervous._

Callum taps his fingers on the wheel, waiting in the car. Ben's house is beside him and Ben told him to wait outside. Apparently he's not ready yet, and knowing Ben takes somewhat long to get ready is quite funny.

But then there's the thought of Ben taking his time to look nice even though he has no idea where they're going. So, that's either he _wants_ to look nice no matter the occasion, or he's struggling what to wear in case Callum takes him and Ben's best clothes to a water theme park.

He laughs to himself, nerves tingling all over, and it's becoming a mini version of hell waiting this long. Granted, he's only been waiting ten minutes, but every second feels like a week wondering what Ben's going to wear.

Well, he always looks good, but he's never seen him dress up for a date before. He doesn't think he's ever seen him wear a nice shirt except from that one time during the holiday, and Callum doesn't really like thinking back to that moment.

But Callum doesn't have to wait much longer when he can see Ben opening his door, getting in the car and Callum catches a glimpse of what he's wearing. He doesn't want to stare.

The music playing in the car gives the atmosphere a thick beat, and the way Ben meets his eyes is like a galaxy being born in his heart.

"Hey," he says, and Callum feels awfully out of place. 

"You alright?" Callum asks, already smelling whatever aftershave Ben's put on for the night. It's nice, quite strong, but nice. Suits him.

"Uh — don't tell anyone I said this, but I'm actually quite nervous." Ben laughs, rubbing the back of his head as he glances to what Callum's wearing. "You look—"

"Okay?" laughs Callum, not wanting a compliment because he doesn't know if he'll be able to handle it. "You look incredible."

"I know I do," Ben winks, and Callum smiles at him. "But as I was saying, you look good. Really good."

"Thanks," he says, heart going wild in his chest because _oh my god this is actually happening._

"So, sunshine," Ben says it differently now, more as an endearment then a way to avoid saying Callum's name as if it'll curse his tongue. "Where you takin' me?"

"Surprise," Callum switches the engine back on, smiling when Ben clicks his tongue.

"Still?"

"Still."

"Fine," Ben pretends to sulk by looking out the window, but he can't help but look back to Callum, thumb to the corner of his mouth as he admires what he's wearing.

It's the same shirt from before, the night of their first time. Maybe because it's an actual date this time he's wearing it. Ben thinks he can't get any more handsome.

The car drives easy, shining in the late afternoon sun, and Ben enjoys the ride. There's something about giving control over to Callum that's addictive, heartwarming to the point he doesn't feel the need to chase old habits. He doesn't need to act big.

"Kinda' like you driving me around."

Callum looks to Ben for a quick second before looking back to the road.

"Why's that?"

"Dunno. Something nice about it," he's biting the tip of his thumb, smiling when Callum doesn't reply. "Plus, who wouldn't want a handsome guy in an expensive car driving them around?"

"You're amazing at flattery," Callum rolls his eyes, but it still warms his chest that he'd think that. 

"Thank you," he chuckles.

"Of course you'd say thanks to that."

Ben laughs now, and then leans over to kiss his cheek, surprising Callum to the point where Ben can feel the car slow. Ha. He took his foot off the pedal.

And they drive for another ten minutes, Ben talking about this weird movie he saw the other day, and Callum is more than happy to listen about how Ben hates the ending because it made absolutely no sense.

But then they come to a familiar road, and Ben grows quiet.

The car climbs, up hills and over soft dirt roads to end up where they've both been before.

"This is—" Ben stops as Callum pulls up at the lonely tree. "This is my spot."

"Yeah," Callum smiles, hands resting on the wheel as he turns the engine off. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah, _yeah._ I just — I didn't think you'd remember where it was."

"It's important to you. Of course I would." 

Once again, Ben is floored by how he says these things so easily. But he doesn't get much time to think as Callum pushes the driver door open, stepping out and leaving Ben.

He only does that so he can open Ben's door for him, and Ben ends up glancing at him with parted lips. What are they doing here?

This is the same spot Ben opened up about his Dad, where he didn't feel alone because Callum said _you've got me._

And now they're back, much more than what they were or not much different. But why are they here for a _date?_ Dates are meant to be big restaurants, fancy places, a meal at home with two cheap, tall candles on a fancy looking table dressed up for the occasion.

It's not — _this._ It's not places and memories.

But maybe it can be, for them.

"Callum— I think you need to start talking."

Callum's there, offering his hand.

Ben takes his hand without a second thought, stepping out the car and not being able to take his eyes off him.

"I didn't think big restaurants were your thing, and I didn't want to have a conversation over some loud music where I can't even hear myself think," Callum smiles, and Ben realises there's no going back from this, no going back to being lonely when Callum goes the extra length for every little detail. 

He thinks about _them,_ not himself or Ben. It's unified. 

"That still doesn't explain why you've taken me here, and why I'm in a good shirt for — my _thinking_ spot."

Callum snorts, "Your _thinking_ spot?"

"Hey, don't laugh," Ben steps closer, hands on his shoulders, and Callum tries his best to hide his laugh behind his smile. _"So,_ explain?"

"Wait here," Callum leaves the embrace before it's even started, walking to the back of the car to pop the boot.

And Ben waits, leaning on his toes to try and see what he's doing.

Oh.

Oh no.

_Oh no._

Callum pulls out a blanket, a few candles, another blanket, and a basket that looks smaller than it actually is. 

Ben feels sick but excited at the same time. This is a _date_ date, not a restaurant date or a movie night. This is a date for them and them only.

Callum has this — _smile_ on his face as he closes the boot with his elbow, coming round to offer one blanket to Ben. He seems excited, and just as nervous as Ben is.

"You — made a picnic?"

"Yeah?" Callum looks worried all of a sudden. "Is this too much?"

Ben takes a second, but he starts smiling, looking towards the ground before glancing back up.

He'd do all of this — for _Ben?_

_Of course he would. He loves you._

Ben doesn't know why he does, but he steps closer, kissing him quick before pulling back. Callum doesn't even get chance to register it before Ben's turning away towards the tree.

"What was that for?" Callum calls after him.

"Sorry," Ben says, looking over his shoulder as Callum follows. "Felt like it."

They both share a smile as Ben places the first blanket down near the tree. Callum puts the basket down next, lighting the candles with a lighter he pulls out the box. It's almost _too_ romantic. 

It's private, Ben's spot becoming _their_ spot as Callum places everything where it should go. The setting sun bathes them both in this glow as Ben sits down, watching Callum as he goes to grab pillows from the car before locking it entirely.

"You didn't have to do all of this," Ben says as he takes a small pillow from Callum. 

"I wanted to," he smiles back, and Ben has to take a breather by looking away. His hair has this blonde highlight to it in such golden sun.

Callum sits down opposite him, both of them crossing their legs, candles burning at all four corners of the blanket to keep it weighed down.

Ben has way too many butterflies to function, and he has to take a deep breath as Callum opens the basket once more. He's prepared food, still warm in little boxes that will no doubt taste divine.

He tucks into his meal after Callum passes some cutlery, and the silence is sweet, not sour. Ben occasionally glances at him, and Callum always senses it, meeting him with that smile Ben will never deny he loves.

The blanket they're sitting on reminds him of the cottage they stayed at, a warm design of beige and red, a bit of faded blue mixed in. It must be an old one from somewhere in Callum's past.

They both eat relatively slow, wanting to savour the moment, and they've picked the right time because they can watch the sun go down. It's not until Ben's almost done that he speaks up, too many butterflies, too many crowding his heart.

"Wow," Ben looks around them as he breathes in the moment, lovely food, handsome company, and watching as the lights below the hill in the neighbouring town switch on. "I can see why you picked this place."

"Technically, you picked it," Callum replies, shifting a little from where he's crossing his legs. "Do you, uh — like it?"

"What part?" Ben starts, laughing. "The food? This — _whole idea?_ You?"

"Me?"

"You, Callum," he shakes his head. "You're this perfect guy that does anything for anyone. You make a picnic from scratch and you bring pillows and blankets and candles. I don't just like it, I love it."

Ben bites his tongue. He's rambling, letting his heart run with the words.

Callum holds his breath. He shouldn't be so bothered about it, but _god,_ he's almost crying out to hear it. It's like Ben, too, crying out for himself to accept that love.

"Well, I'm happy you do," Callum smiles when he meets Ben's, all shy and hidden. He's almost apologising through it. "I'm happy with you."

Ben has those butterflies again. They haven't faded ever since he got in the car.

"You're alright," says Ben, and Callum rolls his eyes at him. "Better than most."

"Whatever you say," Callum looks down to his food, "That tubs empty."

"I'm being polite."

"Oh, is that what it is?" Callum takes another mouthful as Ben finishes up his own. There's some fruit in the basket, too. Some water bottles instead of alcohol because Callum's safe, and a few chocolate cakes wrapped in the casings Lexi picked out ages ago for when they wanted to bake.

Ben watches him as he peels back a casing, looking out towards the horizon as the sun starts to set. He's all golden, glowing, a softness to his features without the weight of the world hanging on his shoulders. He meant it when he said he was happy with Ben, and words that have been bothering him since they were said come crashing back.

_Tell him._

That old woman from the house Pip stayed at, she's in his head. Frankly, the words always have been ever since they were spoken, just never in his voice and instead, spoken by himself.

She saw it, plain as day, the love he has for Callum. How he's always been in love with him in some way ever since that first night.

Callum stretches when he finishes with his food, grabbing a water bottle and adjusting his pillow so he can lay down. Ben munches on a cake himself as the sun sets even lower.

Ben's always wanted to do this as a kid. You always see them in movies, couples having that adorable montage.

Callum takes his hand next to him, bringing it to his lips and kissing the inside of his wrist. He rubs his thumb over the same spot afterwards, looking up to Ben from where he lays.

"Was the food okay?"

"Gorgeous," Ben replies, hand nothing but a puppet in Callum's control as he accepts the comfort blindly. He just wants to fall into him, but curiosity takes over.

Maybe Callum went through the same, seeing all of those possibilities and dreams growing up that didn't necessarily look like them.

"Can I ask why you brought me here?" Ben picks at the blanket beneath him, not looking to Callum until he finishes his question. 

"You mean a picnic?"

"Yeah."

Callum adjusts himself slightly, head shifting on the pillow as he turns it towards Ben. He gestures with his hands in the air as he speaks, the one not holding his hand. Ben sits up on his own pillow, still.

"My Mom used to give me books to read when I was a kid. My Dad said it would fill my head with junk, but my Mom always gave them to me at night when she'd tuck me into bed," Callum takes a breather, and he realises he's opening up to Ben, allowing him into his life that little bit more. "I used to have this tiny keyring torch that _always_ ran out of battery so I could read and stay up at night. It was the only chance I got to read. And I'd read about these people, sometimes animals, and all these places they'd go."

Hearing Callum talk about his childhood is rather soothing, knowing that even if they were haunted by the worst of it, there were still good parts. His tone is lighthearted, as if bringing up this memory is a fond one.

"I _am_ going somewhere with this, by the way," Callum thinks he's just boring him.

"I'm listening," chuckles Ben, and he uses this opening to move. 

He settles down beside Callum, Callum watching him as he does, and a few seconds later they're shoulder to shoulder with the sky above them, one hand joined. There's birds flying overhead, and Ben watches them change direction with a mere twitch of their wings.

Callum smiles before he carries on.

"There was this one book I asked to keep. I hid it under my bed in this box I had, and when my Mom couldn't give me any new books, I just read that one again."

"What was it about?"

Callum stays quiet, "Promise you won't laugh?"

"I won't laugh," Ben turns his head to him, Callum doing the same. "What?"

"You didn't promise."

 _"Alright,"_ Ben sighs, nodding. "I promise."

This must mean a lot to Callum, and frankly, Ben would never laugh, no matter what it could be.

"It was about a pair of birds," He waits for Ben to start laughing, but one quick glance shows Ben looking at him with eyes of wonder. He wants to know why this book has led them here. More importantly, how it connects to them and how fate works its magic.

Callum has to turn away, heart in his throat. He needs to tell the rest of the story, and seeing the way Ben looks at him won't help him conclude it.

"This one bird, they'd fly to the tallest tree every sunset to watch the stars appear. Without fail, they'd do it every day," Callum lifts his arms, leaving Ben's hand behind because he can feel himself starting to shake, placing them behind his head. "And one day, there's a storm, and the bird can't reach the tree, so they have to wait at the bottom of the tree for it to blow over."

Ben looks to the top of the tree in front of them, how small breaks in the canopy of the leaves reveal stars, faded but there in the purple of the sky as day turns to night.

"And on the ground, they meet this other bird. The first bird finds out that this other bird can't fly, so they can't reach the top and see the stars like they can. This new bird asks what it's like up there, and they say _you'll have to see for yourself._ So the first bird tries to help the other bird reach the top the next day, but they can't carry each other because their wings are too small," Callum sighs, remembering how he was so hopeful when reading the book the first time. "The bird gives up in the end, and they go back to the top to watch the stars, but now they're always thinking about the bird at the bottom of the tree."

"They sound mean," adds Ben, and Callum laughs.

"Yeah, they are. But it takes a few days to realise that being up there is just as alone as being at the bottom of the tree. So they meet again one night, and the bird decides to stay with the other bird as the sun sets."

Callum stops. Ben hesitates before speaking up.

"And?"

"You really wanna' know the ending?" Callum is rather shocked, but it feels heartwarming to know Ben is genuinely interested in the outcome of this story.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Can you not guess?"

Ben bites his lip in thought, not sure if saying this might make himself vulnerable, "I'd rather you tell me."

"Alright, well," Callum points to the sky. "The bird realises the sky is the same everywhere, and they tell the bird with the broken wings that the view is just as good as it is at the top of the tree." He's smiling just thinking about it. "But what made it better is that neither of them felt so alone anymore, not having to rely on how many stars they count to not feel isolated. They had each other every single sunset, and they'd watch and count the stars together until one day, the broken bird's wings healed so they could sit at the top of the tree again."

"And did they?"

"Sometimes. They found other places, their own places to count the stars."

"And it ends like that?"

"Yeah," Callum nods. "It _is_ a kids book."

"I know that, but surely there's some bigger meaning behind it," Ben reaches one arm out, confused, like surely there _is_ something to that ending.

"I think it's how you view it," Callum shrugs, turning his head to Ben. "We all read a story a different way."

Ben sees that story in his own childhood, legs hugged to his chest, staring out the window and counting each star. Callum did the same, leg swinging from where he sat on the wall on his childhood farm.

It was the same sky every night, the same for both of them, and the same bright star every single night.

Now that bright, north star is directly in front, almost directly above. It's led them both here, to the bottom of the tree.

Ben turns his head, looking at how Callum looks to the sky. He's counting them, just like the bird.

"How many can you see?" whispers Ben, focus flicking over his face until they settle on his eyes. "The stars."

Callum waits, then turns his head, looking at Ben and then down towards his hand, fingers moving to gently touch the surface of Ben's palm. Ben waits.

Callum parts his lips, waiting in the delicate silence before speaking.

"Just one."

_Just you._

There's a sting behind his eyes, Ben welling up as Callum takes his hand, thumb moving over his knuckles.

And then Ben can't breathe, lips parted as he inhales, the blue of Callum's eyes so warm as Ben grips his hand almost painfully tight.

Ben can't stop it, beating against his chest, warm and loud like thunder as it crackles beneath his skin, stars born under the pressure and wonder of it.

"I love you," Ben whispers, a tear all on its own tumbling down the side of his face and falling to the blanket.

Ben sniffs, and Callum is stuck in the moment, hand loose in Ben's grip until he grips it more, pushing himself up on his elbow to reach for Ben.

And their kiss is like a universe behind their eyes, in their chest, in their heart, Ben reaching up to push his fingers through his hair, then to the back of his shirt, pulling and gripping, wanting Callum closer as the weight in his chest from so many years and _years_ of pain evaporates between them.

"God," Ben whispers as Callum breaks to breathe, noses brushing, eyes still closed. _"Fuck —_ I love you. _I love you."_

Callum falls into him again, a smile curving his lips that's contagious. Callum feels himself crying, the hand framing Ben's jaw warm and grounding, thumb pressing a little more, and it feels _good._

Ben loves him. Callum loves Ben.

They're complete.

And they must kiss for hours, hands under shirts, healthy laughter and sighs. Their love is a love as natural as breathing, so easy to fall in and bloom and _be._

It's so easy to love Callum and knowing he's said it, he's free of every single word poked into his skin like hell's fire. Callum found him, and Ben found Callum, pulled each other from the deep to meet each other at the surface and feel the sun warm on their skin.

"We could've been doing this ever since we met," Ben says, fingers twirling through Callum's hair as he looks over his face.

Callum huffs, smiling as he takes a deep breath. It always knocks him back how alive kissing Ben makes him feel.

"I hated you at the start," Callum adjusts his head a little on the pillow. "Don't think I would've kissed you."

"Mmm," Ben scrunches his nose, "I think you're wrong."

Callum takes a moment to think back, to make peace with it, and with the feeling of nothing but love weaved into his fingertips, he looks to Ben and stares, locking eyes with him in a language only lovers know.

"It's different now," he says, referencing all the other times they've kissed, Ben's face falling a little. "It means more."

Ben brushes his nose against his, just once, picking at the front of his shirt. He can agree with Callum, that back then it was mere heat and means to an end. Now, it's more, so much more, like the sun dawning on a cold day, and the taste of something the world can't have.

It's just theirs.

"I think it always has," whispers Ben, the freedom in his heart to feel. "You and me."

Callum feels his heart skip once or twice, having to wet his lips in order to speak.

"You think so?"

Ben doesn't answer verbally. He answers another way.

One, he answers with his eyes, entirely focused on Callum, hand moving from his hair to the warmth of his chest, pressing over his heart to feel the drum of it. He sighs, allowing the seconds to tick by, each one priceless to Ben as he lays here, blanket beneath them and the sky above.

Second, he leans up, hand still on Callum's heart as he places his forehead against his. Callum has to tilt his head to meet him, hand moving to cup his jaw as Ben brushes their noses together, lips pressing together in the softest way they've ever kissed. Soft and tender, honey sweet, the fire crackling in a fireplace on a winter's morning.

The sunset warms Ben's back, their legs knotting and moving ever so often. It seems almost too perfect, too much like a painting spent hours, even _weeks_ perfecting.

They've already been here before, drawing the guidelines, painting in the rough base, and now it's just details.

Details take the most time, the most patience, the most delicate eye. Now, they're almost complete, spaces left blank for the future, but the central part of their painting is complete.

A foundation for a lifetime.

Callum falls back entirely, hands framing both sides of his face as Ben sighs against him. They'd stay like this forever if fairytales weren't just that; tales. All this time, Ben's spent it chasing, running, and now he's just allowing himself to slow down, to enjoy.

And it's not scary, not when they're still moving, going at their own pace that no one else seems to match. Callum's always had space for him, always left room in what seems to be a generous heart for a growing poison that Ben views himself as.

He thought he'd change him, but Ben's learning he can't change anyone but himself. 

Ben is a better man because of Callum, but not because of how good he is, but because he's shown Ben how good _Ben_ can be.

How Ben opens his heart, rarely but with a purpose, close and protective. How Ben loves with everything or nothing, heart on a string.

When they break apart, Ben is half laying over him, and Callum wraps his arms around him, one hand idly moving through the hair at the back of his head.

"We've wasted so much time, ain't we?" Ben asks, kissing him once more just because he can.

Callum breathes deep, closing his eyes as he places his head back. 

"Is it wasted if we've ended up here?" 

They speak so quietly, hushed like they're in a forest and all the trees are listening. But there's only one tree, old and large, sprouting a shadow over them so that even the fading pastel of the sky can't hear them.

"When you say it like that," Ben ponders, hands picking at the collar of Callum's shirt, fingertips tickling the skin slightly. "Doesn't sound wasted at all."

"Nothing is," Callum continues, stopping his soothing hair affections for a moment. "Not with you."

Ben shakes his head, "You say these things so easily."

"So do you."

"I haven't said anything like that before," Ben places a kiss on the soft curve of his neck, adjusting his arm so he can lean on his elbow and brush his thumb over the same spot. "Unless I got drunk and can't remember."

"You just said you love me," and he still can't believe it, breathing free, weightless.

"I did," Ben sounds proud. He should be.

A laugh bubbles from Callum's chest. Ben feels it against his own.

"There's also the other night. You really don't know how you sounded Saturday morning, did you?"

"After I lost the car?" Ben sounds neutral about it now. Must be him hiding it.

Callum still feels upset about that.

"Yeah," he sniffs, opening his eyes to see Ben admiring something in the distance. Maybe he turned away and Callum didn't see it.

"How did I sound?"

"Like you wanted to say something but couldn't," Callum runs his hand through Ben's hair again, bringing his attention back to him. "And you were… really open about it. I don't think we've ever talked that much about something we know is there."

Ben shifts, placing his head on Callum's chest, one hand on Callum's ribs as he keeps listening, "We're kinda doing that now, too."

"I thought we were meant to talk about interests on dates, and — embarrassing stories, my favourite music," Callum shrugs, his hand now moving to sit on Ben's neck. "Maybe I'm doing this wrong."

"You're not," Ben draws on his side, a single fingertip moving in circles, tickling Callum slightly beneath his shirt. Technically, Ben's already broken some rule by saying he loves him this early.

"I'm not?"

"No," he laughs. "I think we're doing okay, considering you managed to get me out here."

Callum frowns, "You don't like dates?"

"Never done them," Ben moves his head so he can look up to Callum. "Always skipped past that part."

"I know that," and they both chuckle, memories coming back in gentle waves. They really have come far in all of this. "Plus, we have a long way to go. Plenty of chances to do all the stuff we've missed."

Ben's hand freezes on his side, and Callum feels the scales tip against him. He shouldn't have said that.

"Did you just say that?" Ben asks, voice a little broken.

"What?" It's not like Callum can escape it now.

"Plenty of time to do the stuff we've missed, almost sounds like a forever," his hand starts moving again, but it stops almost too soon. It's making Callum feel unsure about whether this is something good or bad.

"That's if — you want to."

Ben's head drops, forehead to Callum's chest. He allows the feeling to wash over him like ocean waves. Gripping his shirt, Ben moves his head like he can't believe himself, sniffing as he wipes at the trail tears left behind.

"I want to," Ben whispers back, the breeze tickling skin not covered by jeans and shirts. "I just don't know how."

Callum gives them a second, smiling as he bites his lip towards the sky.

"I don't either," he replies, searching for Ben's hand at his side, slowly making contact that Ben is cautious to. Hand holding seems so scary, so final, so infinite in possibilities.

"Then what do we do?"

"What we want," Callum wraps one finger around his, and then Ben takes hold of his hand completely. 

Ben feels the way Callum exhales, as if them finally holding hands freely means something world shatteringly important to Callum. 

Acceptance.

"That sounds like something I'd say," chuckles Ben, excitement like pins beneath his skin. "You're stealing my thunder."

Callum laughs in return, bubbly, just how Ben remembers it before they all went wrong.

"I mean it, though," Callum doesn't know if he should be saying this, but it's harder to keep everything in when he knows the heart on the other end feels the same way he does. "What I said that night."

"You've said a lot of things, Callum," there's a chuckle after, but Ben is very aware Callum could be preparing himself to steal away his heart entirely.

"Hoping you'll be the last," he squeezes his hand so Ben can't let go. "This is it, for me. I just — I just don't see anything else, anyone else."

Ben needs a few seconds, but he brings his head up to see Callum glancing towards the sky, watching night conquer day, the stars shining through again. All he wants to ask is _why?_

But then it's like he's asking himself that, and a waterfall of answers plunge right into his chest, and he has to remember to breathe from the shock of it.

He sees no one else either, no one but Callum. 

_Fuck._ It's been like that ever since the club, ever since he kissed bandaged knuckles and told him to chase his happiness. Ben's been doing it, too. Chasing happiness, chasing Callum.

Ben never thought he'd make it, to be good enough to stand by the side of someone like Callum, to even be worthy of words like the ones he speaks so freely.

With the silence, Callum shifts his head so he can find Ben, and Ben is just — _staring_ at him with exhaustion settled in the blue. Callum thinks he's said it all wrong, but Ben looks down after a moment, lips parted to say something, but they wobble and Ben has to shut and press them together.

Callum gives him time, he always will.

"I feel that too."

And it's enough. It's more than Callum will ever need to know it's the truth. He can't expect gold from a man who doesn't think he has any, no self worth, no love to give in exchange.

But he's said it, and Callum feels like he's floating.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Ben sniffs, holding his hand close to them and where they lay, thumb moving over Callum's knuckles. "I do."

Callum places his head back again, and smiles towards the sky. Maybe they both have people looking out for them.

Ben rests his head again, closing his eyes, listening to how the rhythm of Callum's heart is in sync with his own, and how the birds that take home here in the countryside sing goodnight to the sun as it falls below the horizon.

"Can I do something?" Callum asks after a few minutes. Ben hums in reply, too content to mouth words.

Who knows what it'll be, but Ben listens with an open heart and mind knowing Callum would never hurt him. It feels nice, feels _warm_ knowing that.

"Kinda wanna' do the whole thing they do in movies," Callum can feel Ben smiling against his chest. "Where I, uh — take you home, say goodnight, but then I forget to kiss you goodbye so I walk back up the drive and you're already waiting because you forgot to do it too?"

Ben keeps his eyes closed, "You're not one of those _life's a movie_ people, are you?"

"No," he chuckles, "I'm more of a _life's what you make it_ guy."

Ben smiles brighter. _Of course you are. I know you are._

"Feels like we've already done it a few times," Ben replies. "But that sounds fun."

"Yeah?" Callum sounds like a kid who just got told he can go to the arcade with more money than he did last time.

"It's like you said, ain't it?" Ben brings up his hand so he can see how well it fits with Callum's. "We're doing this how we want."

Callum immediately has the thought of _we're doing this_ as in a _couple —_ but Ben hasn't explicitly said it. That's still a hurdle.

"You're right."

"Course I am," Ben jokes. "It's me."

"Don't ruin it!"

It makes them both laugh, and Ben is so relieved at the thought of having _them_ back. They're friends again, more than friends, more than friends that occasionally kiss each other sometimes.

Ben loves him.

"Can I ask something too?" Ben keeps his head down before shifting it so he can look towards Callum.

"Always." That must be their word now.

"Can we — can we stay here for a little longer?" 

It's quiet, warm despite the breeze, and he's never felt so comfortable with life at this pace. He could have this forever if he wants to.

Callum smiles at him, pushing himself up so Ben has to do the same, but only slightly. He kisses Ben softly, just once, then again when their eyes close, and Ben is _gone._

He's so gone. He's so in love.

"Yeah," Callum says, brushing his free hand through Ben's hair. "As long as you want."

Ben takes a second, but he understands what that means. It's more than just now, it's for them. Callum said it in terms of them.

And if Ben feels butterflies in his stomach and accepts them for the first time in his life, then that's on him.

Ben settles again, and they both hold, both keep warm, both bring in the night in a new way to all the other times before.

Their way.

\- - -

"This is — your house," Ben laughs, feeling giddy for some reason. "You want me to get a taxi home after your movie trope?"

"You made me take a taxi home the first night we met," Callum shrugs, switching the engine off and listening to the engine echo out. "It's only fair."

"I paid for it," challenges Ben, suddenly feeling like he can't sit still in his seat. He thought this'd be cheesy, but the thought of Callum wanting to try out all of these firsts is like looking at the world with brand new eyes again. He's allowed to love in the way he's always wanted to with Callum.

Ben can let go, love fiercely, hold him tight.

"Just because you paid for it don't make a difference! I still went home in a cab," Callum clicks his door open, but then shuts it again without moving from his seat.

Ben doesn't welcome the silence, but Callum is biting his lip, worrying it between his teeth as he looks to the steering wheel. He wants to ask something, Ben knows that look.

"Do you want to stay the night?" 

Ben Mitchell, the guy that easily says those words to strangers in a club of deafening music and the stench of alcohol, even some on his lips is downright speechless at hearing Callum say them.

And it feels like his heart is in his throat, alive and frantic, lips parting because he just wants to shout _yes,_ but the monumental weight of the question and what it means right now deserves something something so much more than that.

It's never been at Callum's, always Ben's. And why? Because of home territory, walls he's familiar with, the authority of being in his own house to kick someone out after a night.

He never went to Callum's house during that period of benefits because he didn't want to fall head first into Callum. Ben knew if he went there, the only person to kick him out would be Ben himself, doing a walk of shame that would feel more like a walk of self hatred. Callum wouldn't have done that, kicked him out, and that's the scary part, because Ben would've stayed even if the demons taking rent wanted to pull him away.

Now, they're a couple, or somewhat under that label, and Callum is inviting him after a _date_ to stay the night. What that entails, he doesn't know, because Callum isn't the same formula Ben follows when it comes to things like this. Callum always changes, always adapts, always morphs to someone's needs while keeping himself the person he's always been.

Callum knows this is a big question. It's almost another big alarm in Ben's brain that this is another confirmation of being in a relationship.

But he's not scared anymore.

"Can I?"

Callum nods, clicking the door open again and only pushing it so far. Maybe he's asking because Ben hasn't stayed on the square since he left. It's a big thing, especially if he's only had bad memories here.

Ben smiles, and it's this sweet smile he tries to hide from Callum because there's a fleeting feeling in his chest that doesn't go away, even when he steps outside and shuts the door to follow Callum up the steps.

And when they reach the door, they both turn to face each other, smiles on their faces as they stick hands in pockets and squeeze their shoulders against the cold.

"So," Ben starts, almost laughing from how ridiculous but sweet this is. If someone told him he'd be doing this a few months ago he would've laughed at them. "Do I say something first?"

Callum shrugs, looking away before looking back, taking one cautious step closer. They both know Ben is staying the night, but something clicks in the way Ben looks up to him, waiting for Callum to say something.

Even if they didn't know what's to come, Ben would've stayed anyway, he would've asked to say.

That realisation makes Callum swallow, the way his heart rattles making him a little light on his feet.

"Night, Ben," he says, and Ben has this smile that curves one side of his lips.

"Night, Callum," and Ben doesn't move.

He's meant to walk away and come back, but Ben's stuck to the spot. Callum keeps him there, a magnetism to his gaze that makes Ben step closer, hands taking a fist of his shirt to pull him to his chest.

Their noses brush, prickling static running down their spines like a livewire, and Callum has to take a deep breath, suddenly breathless from how Ben looks at him with more than just want.

That's love in the shards of his eyes.

Ben's vulnerable, open and blooming and this is what Callum meant by knowing the real Ben, the lonely heart that just wants to know what love is.

Callum brings his hands from his pockets to hold his face, thumbs pressing to his cheeks as he meets Ben, a sigh from his lips rolling outwards, and Ben all but melts, face frowning a little because there's so much going on in his chest, twisting and turning until it becomes one singular song.

Ben runs his hands up towards his neck, arms curling around him, and Callum starts kissing the corner of his mouth, up towards his cheek and then down again to the curve of his neck.

"Callum," Ben whispers, one hand holding his hair and the other moving to take hold of one of his. "Cal—"

"Mmm?" He says, kissing at the hinge of his jaw now, and Ben _giggles_ with how it tickles.

"I don't think we're doing it right," Ben almost gasps when Callum circles his arms around his waist, hugging him entirely as his lips move back to his.

And they kiss for a while, Ben's weight pushing him to the door, the metal below the number clicking as the wood rattles.

"No," Callum replies, a sweet smile on his lips that Ben looks towards, feeling the very emotion reflected in the flowers he feels growing in his chest from the sunlight he holds in his very hands. "But _this_ is — this is—"

"Yeah," breathes Ben, hands centering themselves on Callum's jawline either side. "I know."

Callum stays silent for a moment, and then he's reaching into his pocket for his key, and Ben doesn't let go, hands keeping contact even as Callum twists to try and unlock the door.

He's shaking, and Ben watches as he curses trying to fit the key in, managing on the fourth try and swinging the door open.

Callum goes back to Ben, shouldering the door behind him as Ben walks in with him, Callum having that little thought in his mind to shut the door after them, hand to the wood as he gently places Ben's back towards it.

They haven't really moved at all, considering it's been two steps inside, but they don't care when kissing someone has never made them feel so awake, so in tune with another song that it feels like they're finally a complete set of notes and harmonies.

"Are we meant to do this on first dates?" Ben says when Callum takes a breather, and the sleepy smile on his lips makes Ben laugh.

"You wanna' stop?"

"No," Ben says as if Callum is silly for even asking that.

Callum shrugs his jacket off, flinging it towards the table, and he's about to reach back towards Ben when he hears Pip bolting down the stairs.

Ben sighs as Callum lets go of him, taking gulps of air as Callum steps back, both of them smiling like they have a secret, and a blush on Callum's cheeks that makes Ben think he's cute.

Pip has her ears down when Callum greets her, and Ben doesn't know what to do, feeling boneless as he leans against the door, eyes closed. Just being here in his house, agreeing to stay the night, welcoming himself into Callum's world at last feels monumental.

"Look who it is," he says to Pip, prompting Ben to open his eyes just in time as Pip leaps up to greet him.

Ben laughs as he ruffles her head, her tail wagging ten to the dozen at seeing Ben again.

"Loved by both of the Highways," Ben says as she lands on all fours again, squeaking the zebra toy held in her mouth. "What a lucky man I am."

Callum steps closer to Ben again, avoiding Pip on her way back into the living room.

"I'm the lucky one," Callum replies, laughing when he sees the outright confusion on Ben's face.

"People would laugh at you for saying that," Ben shoves him, but it does nothing to move Callum away. Ben doesn't want to hear it, how much praise Callum has for him and the inevitable feeling of drowning because he can't handle it.

"Yeah, you've said that before," Callum holds his face once more, and he must love doing it because Ben realises how much he _does_ do it. "I don't care."

Ben bites his tongue. _You should._

_You should listen to them._

But then he can't say it, because Callum's pulling him away from the door with a slight pinch of his shirt, smiling as Ben follows after him, hypnotized like a bird learning a song, and falls into him as Callum kisses him long and sweet.

Callum takes his hand, firm and final, leading him up the stairs and turning to catch Ben at the top. He can't stop kissing Ben now he knows Ben loves him.

And Ben pushes him back, laughing as he takes them the wrong way, stumbling as he tries to take one of his boots off while still kissing Callum.

In the middle of the room, Ben steps back to take the room in, smiling as Callum has this healthy rise and fall to his chest.

Callum takes his shirt off, stepping forward to kiss Ben again, slow and sweet enough to make Ben weightless. Ben feels the fabric of Callum's shirt drop to their feet.

"This is _definitely_ not what you do on a first date," Callum laughs as Ben places kisses to his shoulder, hands to his waist and curving round.

"And? This is us, we don't have to follow any rules for this," and like that, the atmosphere mellows. "We can do this how we want, this whole — _love_ thing."

Ben pauses, thinking about it, about everything.

"God, I really am a bad influence on you," Ben laughs, kissing Callum more before he's led by a warm hand in his to the bed.

It's only when they're there and Callum's pulling him back in at the edge that he answers, hands framing Ben's face with delicate care.

"No, you're not," Callum looks between the freckles on his nose, then back to his eyes. "You helped me be better. Helped me find who I always was."

"That wasn't me," Ben says in reply, stunned and enthralled as Callum seems to have countless sheets of music that sing praise for Ben.

"Yeah," Callum laughs at how confused Ben is now, but he fixes it. Well, he seems to do more than fix it.

Callum patches up an old wound, weaves it back together and Ben feels a little bit more complete.

"That was us. Still is," Callum means it, every word. "I find a new part of myself every day with you, and I learn to love it because of you. And I hope — I hope you feel the same."

And Ben understands it, even if no one else does. It's only meant for him, always.

_You found me, too._

Ben pulls Callum in, kisses him, leads him back, and they fall into the same song they've always known.

It's the same song those two little birds sing that count the stars. Their story. Their fairytale.

Real.


	21. one last drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, i made it! my first ever finished multi chap fic. even though it's very sad to see it finished, I hope this fic brought a little bit of happiness during this year of ups and downs. This fic wouldnt be this long without all of the people commenting, leaving kudos, spreading word on tumblr and twitter — so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the love you have given this fic and i hope i can give back at least some of that with this final chapter
> 
> I want to give a BIG thank u to the people who kept pushing me and supporting me when i was on the brink of leaving this fic on hiatus —  
> jay, court, hovis, aubrey, shelley, mary, ro, amy and countless others on tumblr - katie, lucy, star, lu, ellie, aga and god so many others. I cant think right now because i cant believe this is over — but thank you, so so much.
> 
> This one's dedicated to all of you, and i hope if i write another multi fic in the future that it lives up to this story too — and god i hope the ending is okay. 
> 
> well, ill leave it at that — enjoy one last drive!
> 
> tw // internalised homophobia mention, homophobia mention, alcohol mention

Instead of butterflies in his stomach, it's butterflies on his skin, tingling outwards when he exhales. Ben's never felt this weightless, the ache and merciless anxiety of never feeling enough now just a stain on his heart.

It never goes away, ink pushed around, across his skin when Callum holds him, permanent and warm, leaving only a few places the ink can go.

And this, the sheets warm, the breeze down his neck from the open window, an empty road in his head that he's content not racing down. He doesn't need to decide what he's going to do in the next five seconds, and for now he'll just let the wheels roll, speed whichever he needs to go in order to stay with Callum.

Most of the time, it's like they don't even move, parallel to limbo but in their own way. It's nice, knowing he can turn around and Callum is right there, a world so bright and beautiful to plunge into and come home.

Ben opens his eyes to a single window, golden, cutting down half the room. Something about this feels final, like if this was it for the rest of his life, he wouldn't mind every pause being like this. It's not just some words in a book, or acted out in a movie. He's allowed to live his dream in tiny little steps.

His body awakes slowly, hand gripping the pillow as he takes a deep breath. _Fuck._ This really is it.

Ben waking up in a house that isn't his own feels like confirming what he feels. Allowing himself into another space he can't control, a place that isn't home and putting that whole concept in the form of someone themselves.

There's no thoughts to turn over and kick him out, no desire to turn over and ask him why he stays. Ben already knows. Eight little letters, ones he still hears whispered over his heart like late last night, Callum cupping each side of his ribs as he said it.

His heart connects to everything inside Ben, in some way or another, the driving force like the engine in a car. Callum whispered against the skin of him, looked up to the blue shards of Ben's eyes and reached back up to kiss him like it was their first.

Ben's body tingles with the memory of it, how his heart openly feels and _allows_ him to feel. They're both on mutual ground, hands together in a way not even the best minds can solve as to why they do. 

There's movement behind him, and Ben expects Callum, but he's greeted by an equally friendly face. Almost a guardian between himself and Callum.

Pip is there, laying between them on her back as her tail swishes from side to side over the surface of the bed. She has this toothy grin when Ben makes eye contact, and Callum on the other side is completely unaware.

"Ah, package deal I guess," Ben mumbles, not being able to help the smile on his face as she simply stays there, like she knows she's in trouble. Like she's already trying to push Ben out of what could only be her spot.

She grumbles, knowing the day, and sooner or later, Callum warily blinks his eyes open to the sight of Ben leaning on one arm, fussing Pip with a hand to her cheek. Ben hasn't noticed him yet, so Callum enjoys the sight.

There's this glow behind him, the edges of his hair in golden lining, almost framing, the smile on his face in shadow, but Callum has seen him closer than close to pick out the details. He looks — _carefree,_ free of the plagues of childhood that will no doubt follow him until whenever. 

Ben's not so worried about what'll happen to them or the future. Granted, everyone worries, but Ben is content in not doing any of that, just living in the moment, thankful.

Ben does eventually notice he's awake, and his smile drops to a blank expression. Ben always becomes conscious of how he looks to people, what he shows on his face to give himself away.

It doesn't matter. Ben knows Callum has seen him at his absolute worst, his best, the highs and lows, the sensations he can't hold back when Callum's hands fold into the arch of his back — but he doesn't think he'll ever become adapted to the freedom. The freedom of smiling back, peaceful and happy in how it makes his eyes shine.

The silence, too, says so much yet says nothing. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and Ben has seen so many things with Callum, a life he never thought he'd have. Not only that either, because he sees the good in himself now, what little of it Callum unearths every day.

Pip soon becomes irritated that the attention has stopped, looking to Callum before leaping down from the bed and thundering downstairs.

Ben falls to his back, lip between his teeth because he knows he has to say something. He turns his head, eyes meeting Callum's, blue mixed with gold like the sun and sky itself.

"Hey," Callum whispers, face halfway into the pillow as he looks across to Ben.

Ben smiles, almost shy, making sure his throat feels okay before speaking. He has to swallow, surprised by it all.

"Hey," he says, and he takes that as a win considering his voice didn't break. 

There's no sounds from outside. It's a Sunday, no market, no functioning of life until well into the afternoon.

But they don't really care, gazing at each other in the low, orange light of the morning. He feels like he could just fall into his arms and stay there, they both do, and Callum's muscles are like jelly, hard to move but content in staying.

"You're far away," mumbles Callum, hand reaching out to paw at the space between them.

"I'm literally right next to you," Ben laughs quietly, and Callum joins in, fingertips tickling Ben's ribs near the mattress.

"Yeah," Callum says, his voice almost playing with distant belief. "You are."

Ben has a quiet smile, debating for a few seconds with his lip between his teeth.

"I wanna' kiss you," Ben says, still stationary where he lays on his back, head turned towards Callum.

"Not like you to ask," teases Callum, and Ben clicks his tongue, turning his head away.

Ben doesn't even know why he said it, but he does know, though. His heart feels a lot more free these days, not strangled by his own anxiety, the fear of never being enough.

Because if anyone makes him feel, makes the fire in his heart burn white-hot, kisses so sweet Ben can't do anything but close his eyes and hope he stays — it's Callum. The anchoring hands, the way they push air from Ben's lungs, how every touch feels like a livewire, thrilling but not so much to the point where it's numbing.

It's the opposite. He feels everything with Callum, tenfold, _multiplied —_ he can't name it. Ben doesn't think it exists, the words, meaning it doesn't even have a name, and if Ben discovered it then he can name it whatever the _hell_ he wants.

Even then, given every word available, Ben still can't say what it means, can't explain how just being with him is _right,_ intertwining fingers and feeling how his muscles work beneath the plane of his back just for Ben. Who even cares about that? Naming something he can't explain to anyone, not even himself.

What matters is that he feels it, that he's _capable_ of feeling it despite what every demon has cursed him with, and even if he still feels unworthy, Callum's pulls him in, making him even more guilty with the sin of it. 

But nothing comes after. No storm. No consequence. He deserves this, they both do.

Ben leans up, reaching over to kiss him, and it must be his day, because Callum reaches for him before he even gets there, eyes closed, hands folding around his head. Callum hums into his mouth, lazy in his kissing, backed by exhaustion and the lull, mellow atmosphere of the morning. He'd happily stay here, kissing Callum, _being_ with Callum in a way only Sunday can bless lovers.

They don't stop, either, because even when they do, their noses brush together, smiling because _fuck,_ they really can have a moment like the movies, the montage of lovers that roll around all day before having breakfast in their marble kitchens.

Ben isn't that guy, and Callum isn't either, but knowing they have this is enough to have Ben pushing himself up, Callum following his lips, head back into the pillow to meet Ben as Callum's hands soothe up his spine. He unwinds all of the knots, the weight, the years of words nailed into Ben's back so his wings couldn't grow. Life feels like life with him, born to find this moment, to kiss this man with every second the day will give him.

Callum's thumb pokes at the bottom of one of Ben's shoulder blades, releasing a noise that could only be content as he feels how Ben works, how he moves, how even in the lowlight of the morning it feels like something cosmic at work.

Ben does this thing where he shakes a little when Callum lets go, when reality starts creeping up and Ben feels as if this has some sort of deadline. He's always thinking to the future, scared of it, scared of what he was cursed to _deserve_ according to all of his enemies.

Callum fights against that, soothing a hand so warm across his chest because he knows what it does to Ben, makes his heart slow and tender, following after how slow Callum comforts him. He knows how to be with Ben in the best way possible, to _care,_ and nothing else. Ben's almost forgotten what it's like to just kiss, to not rush to something else, to have someone hold him as if they're never going to let go, even if the stars blink away from the sky.

It doesn't matter. They'll be the only ones left. The only ones deserving of shining so bright.

But it does have to end, Ben's forehead brushing against Callum's when their lips break. Callum can barely open his eyes he's so caught in the beautiful weight of love washing over him. When he does, Ben is just opening his, a soulmate level of timing, almost.

"Oh, the days we wake up without morning breath are fucking _heaven,"_ Ben says against his lips, smiling sweet as Callum brushes his fringe away from his forehead.

"Maybe you do and I haven't told you," Callum shrugs, but Ben just grins at him.

"Leave it, would you? Think that was the best kiss of my life," Ben steals one more, then another, and _another_ because they can't get enough, and Callum has to giggle for Ben to stop, impossible to kiss him when his lips aren't following.

But it's not really stealing when Callum gives back as much as Ben takes. It's not even taking — they just _exist._ Equal measure.

Callum flips them over to their sides, lips not leaving for a second, arms moving around Ben to hold him, hand to the back of his head to keep him close. There's a hand against his chest, but it doesn't push Callum away. It's more of a reminder, a place to feel the thump of his heart so he believes in it. 

This isn't a dream.

And Callum turns his head, finally turning Ben fully onto his back and sighs as Ben sits his elbows on Callum's shoulders, hands in the air until they land either side, hugging Callum closer, fingertips scratching into his hair.

"Morning," Ben whispers when Callum breathes in. It makes them laugh, Callum's hand rubbing up and down his side slowly, legs tangling but never knotting. They always feel so free together.

"Mornin'." Callum replies, nudging his nose against Ben's before pressing his lips against his again. They both just get lost in it, knowing they have time, knowing this'll always be enough.

Why was Ben so scared of this? So scared of falling and letting someone else catch him? 

Maybe, it's because he thinks no one else will. He clenches his fists so hard sometimes as he sits around, debating life and for what it's worth, he hates it. Nine times out of ten he can't fathom even thinking about it. His family is here, and he enjoys being _Ben_ even though he hates himself because of it — but that was someone else.

This is Ben, this is ultimately who he is, breaking away from a kiss because it's too much for his weak and bruised heart to take, sighing with something like a small cry because Callum always brings him back to solid ground. Callum peels away every bad thing and soothes it with his lips or his hands, leaving tattoos in the form of warmth underneath and sinking into his veins that linger even after he's gone.

It's nice. It's so nice to feel wanted, to slow down and not feel like he's suffocating. Because even though Callum does pull breath from his lungs, it's in a way that makes Ben breathe again, to make it seem so easy because it _is._ Loving is easy.

It's scary, too, and Ben's had nightmares about not finding it and losing it, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Ben kisses his cheek a few times when Callum sinks his face into his neck, gently kissing against Ben's pulse that makes Ben's chest lift with the feeling of it. It's always like blooming with Callum, how everything he does is so meaningful. His love language is touch, and for Ben, it's everything he's ever wanted. The world doesn't feel alone anymore.

"Do we get to do this every morning?" asks Ben, fingers curling through the soft locks of Callum's hair, no gel as it falls to the side.

"Mm," Callum hums against him, placing another sweet kiss before bringing his head up to see him. He pauses for a moment, looking between each eye. "Yeah, we sorta' can now. Right?"

"Right," and Ben starts to _beam._ Callum starts chuckling. "You want that too?"

Callum doesn't know why he asks, otherwise, why would he be here right now? Either way, Callum takes a breath, moving to the side and laying next to him, a hand on Ben's jaw so he can turn his head.

"Isn't it obvious?" Callum asks, and Ben shakes his head in such a shy way. "You might not think it, but trust me. I do. I want that."

Ben smiles, turning into his hand to kiss his palm, Ben's hand coming to hold his wrist.

"We — we're sorta official now," Ben states, and he wasn't going to say it, but the way he grips Callum's hand is like he's desperate to hear it back. He wants it more than anything.

_Tell me this is it._

"Yeah?" Callum has this sappy smile, open and curious, warmer than the sun on Ben's back as he moves in to kiss him, the corner of Ben's lips, and then fully. "Thought you didn't do that."

"I don't," Ben replies, eyes casted down to his lips. "I still don't." 

Ben leaves out the rest, stuck in his throat. _It's different with you._

"Then — what does that make us?" Callum's not sure where he's going with this, but Ben doesn't have a look of sorrow that suggests they _can't_ be boyfriends, or anything official.

"Just you and me," Ben puts his head down on the pillow, fingertips against Callum's collar-bone as he looks at him from where he leans on one elbow. "Don't need words for it. Do we?"

"No," he understands now. Ben doesn't want labels, doesn't want to be tied down when he's spent most of his life free at the wheel. It shouldn't have to change because he's in love. It'll become part of that, the spotlight of it. He's still scared, frightened of love, but it's still early, and Callum will spend his days reminding Ben he's just as worthy as anyone else to have it.

And Ben's not saying never. They can always be a title or two some time in the future. He doesn't even need to say it, because Ben's eyes do, and then his hand, curving around his neck, thumb to his apple to pull Callum in.

It's a soft peck, and then more, and _more_ until Ben starts laughing at the tickling from Callum's hands. They wrestle a little until Ben has him where he wants him, hands in his hair as they move together.

Every day, they can have this, every day Ben can lay here and kiss Callum until it turns night again, and they would.

Just as Callum takes a breather, there's a loud bark. Ben and Callum both look to the side to see Pip sitting there, ears down, lead in her mouth. It's Sunday, and she wants to go for her walk.

 _"No way,"_ Ben groans, head falling back to the pillow because they were just about to get somewhere. Callum smiles at him, almost forgiving. "Can she go later?"

"She always gets what she wants," Callum starts to get up, but Ben tugs him back down with one joint hand. 

"So do I," and Ben frames his hands onto Callum's face, pulling him closer before Callum can change his mind.

And Ben wins, sighs against his lips for just a moment before Pip barks _again,_ and Callum's pulling away with a laugh.

Ben lays there, sulking, and Pip starts wagging her tail when Callum shuffles to the end of the bed, throwing a jumper on.

"We just became official and you're off to walk your dog," Ben rolls his head towards Callum, and Callum is putting some socks on when they meet eyes.

"You hate animals or something?"

"No," Ben slowly scrambles to sit behind him, kissing at his neck, hands around him. "Just miss you."

Ben freezes himself, and Callum slowly takes his hand, turning his head to meet him. 

"Come with me," he says, thumb moving across Ben's knuckles.

"And leave this bed? Nah. You're coming straight back to me when you get home," Ben doesn't register that he's called Callum's home _home,_ but Callum does, smiling with a shine in his eyes.

"Come with me," he repeats, standing up, hand still in Ben's. "It'll be nice. I promise."

Ben looks grumpy. Terribly so. It makes Callum laugh.

"C'mon, please?" Callum asks again, pulling his hand a little as Ben sits there, unmoving.

"I'll stay here." He's not quite ready to leave their bubble yet.

Callum shrugs on his hoodie, turning quickly to kiss Ben's forehead, leaning down to meet him. His hand sits on his jaw, softly moving his thumb over the stubble.

"Love you," Callum says. "See you when I get back."

It takes Callum letting go of his hand and walking away with a sad smile to kick Ben into gear, searching for touch and comfort. He shoves on whatever clothes he can find, which is Callum's black sweater and loose grey bottoms that Callum wears during most movie nights.

Callum is making Ben a cup of tea when he hears Ben walking down the stairs, hand moving through his hair to fix the broken and wild strands.

"I'll come with," he says, taking a deep breath as Callum turns to face him.

"You've changed your tune," Callum says, turning back to make their drinks as Ben shuffles over, the ends of Callum's sweater too long, his fingertips just showing as he hugs him from behind.

"My tune? Of course I want to go on a nice, quiet, _romantic_ walk through the woods with you on a Sunday morning instead of me getting _absolutely—"_

 _"Ben!"_ He shoves Ben behind him, Ben laughing with a grin that makes Callum blush at the back of his neck. "You really don't have to come."

"I was joking," Ben steps to his side so Callum can look down at him, Ben placing a quick kiss to his cheek. Yeah, he misses his smile already. So what? "I do want to go. I wanna' spend time with you."

Callum's hand pauses, the clink of the spoon against the ceramic coming to a halt as Callum simply looks at him. 

He's still getting used to this, the way Ben can love him endlessly, sudden and unexpected. Overwhelming yet consuming.

Callum inhales as he turns, feeling a flutter in his chest as he kisses him on the lips, arms hugging around his waist as Ben folds his arms around his neck.

"Okay," Callum pulls back, tips of their noses touching. "I _was_ going to bring you a drink in bed, but since you want to come with me, I'll make it up to you when I get back."

"Oh, _is that so?"_ Ben has this cheeky smile that makes Callum roll his eyes.

 _"That —_ but also, we should cook a meal. Do something together tonight."

Ben's smile simmers to something sweet, rare, unguarded.

"I'd like that," Ben can't leave it at that. His chest feels all sorts of fuzzy. "I like _you."_

"You do?" Callum teases back, lips moving closer as Ben starts to brush his hands through the soft lengths of his hair. His stubble looks so handsome on him, too. 

"Thought that was obvious," Ben repeats from earlier, playing with Callum's words. 

Callum still doesn't know how all this is real. How _easy_ it is to just — step closer and kiss him, hands framing his face, Ben humming back with a smile on his lips. 

"You didn't make it easy," Callum replies, feeling a bit victorious when Ben still has his eyes closed, dazed.

"Well," Ben continues, not opening them until he adds the rest of what he's going to say. "Had to live up to my reputation. Couldn't go _lover boy_ on you too quick."

"You were kissing my bruised hand like you wanted to take me to a ball a few weeks in," Callum catches him out, because Ben lets go, looking away.

He clears his throat, suddenly more interested in Pip. Callum shakes his head behind him, a lovestruck smile on his face.

"Let's go, then! Pip ain't gonna' walk herself!"

They listen to some soft, indie tracks on the radio and Ben drives them to the trail they've been to before. Pip has a habit of always leaning her head on the driver's seat, and Ben becomes rather bubbly in his laugh when he sees how much of a character Pip has become.

"She has your charm," Ben says as they pull into the small parking area, making this about a ten minute drive.

"Which is?"

"Incredibly endearing and cute," Ben steps out while saying it, taking the keys with him. Those words flutter a certain warmth in his chest, because even if Ben was trying to joke, being called something that inspires affection makes him feel _good._

He likes making people feel happy, that they want to be happy.

And Callum can't even say anything back as they meet up at the back of the car, but he does do something as Pip stands ready at their feet.

Callum slowly takes Ben's hand, Ben's head turning to look down at how they join, how it sends a feeling like rain against a window but in reverse, trailing up his arm. It's electric, how Callum makes Ben feel, even in the most simple, soft moments.

No words are needed, either, only laughter and small jokes here and there as Pip thoroughly enjoys how muddy the trail is. It's quite warm, so they don't need jackets, and Callum can't help himself looking at Ben in _his_ clothes. Their worlds have collided, and it shows in so many little, careless details to someone else, but to Callum it's the spark to a flame that keeps his heart singing.

Their arms sway like they're in love, hands still locked together between them, and Ben occasionally looks down to see if it's actually real. Every time he does, Callum squeezes, meeting Ben's eyes and mouthing; _are you okay?_

Ben just smiles, nodding, and even one time, kisses his cheek, resting his head against his shoulder as they walk hand in hand through nature. Birds chirp and harmonize, the pitter-patter of Pip's paws in the muddy puddles.

The weight in Ben's stomach washes away, leaving nothing but the feeling of a gentle breeze against warm skin on a boiling summer's day. Relief. 

Ben and Callum walk the whole trail, then back again as Pip starts to run low on energy, choosing to walk between them as their joint hands hover just above. It's nice, really nice. It feels _normal._

When they get back to Callum's house, Ben says he'll be back down to help prepare dinner after he's had a shower. Callum hums in reply, a soft smile sent his way because Ben has no idea Pip is going to follow him, expecting a bath.

But to Callum's surprise, the next time Pip comes downstairs she's all fresh and fluffy, and Ben follows twenty minutes later, towel rubbing through his hair. Callum meets him with a smile, eyes closing as Ben leans up for a kiss.

"Better?" Callum asks, halfway through chopping some carrots for what he has planned.

"Am now," Ben hums, kissing him again, and again, agonizingly slow to the point where it churns something a little heated in Callum's fingertips. But Ben pulls back before that spark can ignite, and he's throwing the towel onto a kitchen chair as he stands beside Callum. "What's the order, _chef?"_

Callum knocks his hip against Ben's, prompting a laugh.

"Did Pip give you trouble?" Callum asks, handing a chopping board to Ben and some vegetables that need chopping.

"Well, she beat me into the bathroom, jumping in the bath before I even got chance to take my socks off," he laughs, and Callum does too, looking at him for a moment as they share a smile. "I thought well, guess she's taking full advantage of all the attention she can get."

"She misses you," Callum picks up all of his chopped carrots, plopping them into a small cooker. "Dogs never forget, you know."

"Yeah," he says. "It's nice getting to know her again. I preferred her when she was small and took more interest in chewing my slippers to bits than jumping the queue for the bathroom. But hey, what's not to love?" 

Callum shakes his head, placing the last few carrots in before turning to Ben.

"You're not complaining about the vegetables," Callum eyes him, and Ben pauses, realising he isn't. It's obvious why.

"Callum? You're a chef. It's gonna' taste fucking amazing even if these taste awful on their own," Ben keeps chopping, feeling alert that Callum's still watching him. "What?"

"Last time we did this, we— uh. Weren't this close," Callum shrugs, going back to preparing.

"You mean boyfriends?" Ben cringes at the pot Callum drops, the metallic ring echoing out.

 _"Shit,_ sorry— slipped," Callum picks it back up and has to place it down, hands on the side as he takes a breath. God, he really didn't think Ben confirming it would feel like a drum in his chest.

He's so gone for him. It shouldn't even be surprising at this point, but it happens anyway.

"You alright?" Ben can see that he's not.

"Yeah! Just— been waiting for you to say that ever since the holiday." Callum realises how silly he sounds, how much he's been desperate for it, and it makes it even worse when Ben stops chopping to look at him.

_That long? You've waited for that since then?_

Ben ignores his blatant misdirection given to himself. He's waited that long, too. He even kissed another guy when he was flat-out _wasted_ to try and prove something, that his heart wasn't set entirely on Callum and he's still himself. He wanted to know if he could still feel the rush with other guys, be cocky and arrogant and everything _Ben_ is — but all he felt was guilt, and sick, and that the entire contents of the bottle he'd just drank was now all over the guy's shoes.

He still remembers the walk back to the hotel, how he wanted everything, everything that Callum could give him. Ben just wanted to turn up to their room and have Callum sink him into the mattress, his weight over him, to whisper thousands of apologies that'll never be enough.

But Ben has everything now. The memory seems like something he'll never forget, but it reminds him of how far they've come, how far _Ben_ has come in self discovery and love.

"It's— silly, I know," nervous laughter falls from Callum's lips, and Ben snaps out of his gaze realising he's just been staring.

"Wait, I—" Ben bites his lip. _Fuck._ Words are hard. "I know how it feels, to want that, and I think I felt it back then too. I was the opposite though, I guess, because I wanted to ignore it, whereas you wanted to have it."

"I do," replies Callum, fingertips gentle at Ben's thigh. "I do now."

"Yeah, I do too," and Ben moves into that touch, placing the knife down as they both completely turn to each other. 

It's like clockwork, how they fit, how Callum's hands hold him so firm yet so delicate, moving to the backs of his thighs. Ben holds his breath against his lips, knowing it's coming as Callum lifts him up, settling him onto the counter on the other side of the kitchen, away from the food. His elbows sit on his shoulders, Callum's head tilting to kiss him.

"Aren't we meant to be cooking?" Ben asks, words slurred because of how mellow he feels, how gone he is.

"Yeah," Callum replies, equally breathless. "But first—"

Ben laughs when Callum picks him up again, Ben's legs wrapping around him to stay tight. Callum would never drop him, Ben knows that.

"First?" dares Ben, placing kisses at Callum's pulse, feeling a small shiver when his back meets the cold wall.

"First, I wanna' make up for lost time."

"We have plenty of that," Ben places his head back against the wall, one hand brushing through Callum's hair, softly breathing as Callum places small little kisses against his jawline.

"We do," Callum presses his body to his, keeping him there so Callum can hold his waist instead. And then it kicks in what Ben meant. "Yeah, we do."

_More days with you._

_More months with you._

_Maybe years, if you let me._

The rest is history.

\- - -

After making up for lost time and a little extra, Ben is out of it by the time his feet hit the floor again, lazy in how he holds Callum, fire in his belly that feels soothing.

Callum takes his hand and soothes him, letting him fall asleep on the sofa with a blanket placed gently over his shoulder. Ben shivers halfway through his nap, and he wakes to the smell of Callum's food, reaching blindly for his sweater somewhere on the floor, getting dressed twenty seconds at a time.

He walks back into the kitchen to find he's dishing up, and the soft patter of his feet against the tiles means Callum knows he's awake.

"God, that smells good," says Ben, arms wrapping around Callum to watch him plate their food with the delicacy and care of a chef. "How long was I asleep?"

Callum turns his head slightly to kiss the top of his head, a little hello in some way, and then turns back to finish the sauce.

"A good two hours," Callum turns when Ben's arms loosen, wrapping one arm around him. "Feel better?"

"I feel like I'm not even here," mumbles Ben, sleepy, loose in a way Callum's only seen a few times. He doesn't care how he may seem, clinging and loving and a little weak in how he holds himself. "Is that… strange?"

"Not at all," Callum kisses the top of his head again, lingering to smell the coconut of his shampoo. "C'mon. It's ready."

Ben nods, still holding on to Callum's hoodie with two fingers as Callum places their plates on a tray. There's some good movies on a Sunday at this time, and with the way Ben is, he needs comfort and familiarity more than anything.

Callum switches the light off to the kitchen with his elbow, Ben following after and switching on the TV. It's only when Callum hands him the tray of steaming food that it sinks in how domestic this is. 

They've been racing in exotic cars, arguments in the pouring rain, scuffles in an alleyway because Ben had his phone — and it's come to this. Domestic bliss. Acceptance.

Callum is a gay man. Has a boyfriend. He watches whatever movie is on TV with that very boyfriend sitting beside him munching on the food he's cooked for both of them, Pip asleep at their feet — and it feels amazing. It feels like this is what he dreamed for as a kid, and Ben beside him is going through the same as he takes the first bite.

This is home. This is who he wants to be, where he wants to be.

Ben looks at him, wondering if he's alone in this, but Callum is already looking back, and their eyes say it all.

_You feel it too._

\- - -

They're into their second movie, Ben with his eyes closed, head on Callum's lap with a blanket over him again. He's not sure what time it is, but he doesn't care, somewhere lost in the feeling of Callum's hand in his hair and the warmth of the moment.

It's only when the credits roll that Ben takes a moment to blink before turning, back against the sofa and looking up to Callum. Callum's already looking down at him, leaning his head on his hand, elbow on the arm of the chair, smiling like he wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

"Do you have work tomorrow?" Ben starts to hate himself at the way Callum's smile fades. He shouldn't have said anything, but he needs to know how many hours he has left with Callum before he has to prepare himself for being alone.

"Yeah," replies Callum. "Eight to Six."

Ben groans. That's so long, so much time without him.

"I can ask for it as holiday," Callum says, thumb brushing at the side of Ben's head. He's only said it because he wants that too.

"No, it's alright," Ben smiles, reaching one arm back, and Callum knows what he needs. Their hands join, warm in the quiet afternoon. "I already made you miss that big event. I can't steal another day with you."

"It's not stealing if I want to have that day with you," Callum winks, and Ben has to turn away, scratching at his cheek. "But I'll go. You're right, and if you want, I can give you the spare key to this house if you want to stay."

_And wait for me to come home. To come home to you._

Ben looks back, shocked.

"Blimey. You're one step away from proposing, Callum," but Ben doesn't mind, squeezing Callum's hand in reassurance.

"Too much?"

"Not at all. I'll go do some work at the garage and then come back here before you get home," Ben turns again so he's facing Callum's stomach before sitting up, one arm used as a pillar to keep himself upright on the other side of Callum's legs. "Sound good?"

Callum has the obvious answer sitting on his tongue, but he can't say it. Ben takes this so simple, as if this doesn't mean this house is also partly his if he can walk in at any time, but it does. Callum doesn't know there's fireworks and something like roses blooming inside Ben, trying to keep it cool.

"Sounds great," says Callum, finally. "I'll go get it."

Ben leans away so Callum can stand up, but Ben doesn't let go of his hand, looking at how they fit so perfectly once more. His connection to the world he thought he wasn't allowed to feel.

As Ben still holds on, Callum looks over his shoulder towards him, smiling.

"Early night?" Callum debates, already knowing it's a yes as Ben moves slowly to stand beside him.

"Please," Ben says, kissing his shoulder, the fabric of his hoodie warm against his lips. He just wants to be held more than anything right now, knowing he can live and love — not having to choose one or the other.

He's spent so many years denying himself basic comfort because of what might come with it.

Callum decides he'll grab the key in the morning for Ben, leading him by his hand and up the stairs to the complete, moonlit blue darkness of Callum's bedroom.

It almost feels like they're under the waves in here, soundless and slow in their movements, but sure and strong.

Callum removes his hoodie, throwing it to the floor as he sits down at the edge, reconnecting their hands and pulling Ben onto his lap.

Their arms sink, search and lock around each other. Ben places his head on Callum's shoulder, the breath between his lips tickling the skin. Callum soothes his hand up and down Ben's back, lips near his ear as he whispers softly.

"I love you."

Ben's arms tighten, then become loose seconds later. There's no blocking out what he feels anymore.

"Love you," Ben returns, nuzzling closer as Callum falls back slowly. Ben adjusts, still with his arms around him as they float. "I don't think I've ever loved like this."

Words of such honesty rattle Callum's soul in a good way, like the chaotic balance of a hummingbird's wings. Callum brings his head up to kiss where he can reach, feet cold against the carpet of his floor.

"Yeah," he's never felt so warm. "I feel it too."

\- - -

_THE NEXT SUNDAY_

Callum's happy. Really _fucking_ happy. Like, he's so happy he doesn't even know he is. It's just fulfilling, knowing he can text Ben, or drive to his house, and they'll just — _be._

It's Sunday again, and they spent the week seeing each other after Callum's work shifts. Monday, Callum came home to Ben sitting at the table, counting the minutes until he came home, lips crashing together the moment Ben kicked his chair back and Callum kicked the door closed behind him. Tuesday, he drove to Ben's house straight after work, met with a smile and a kiss, love that bubbles on the inside and tingling his fingertips.

Wednesday night, they cooked for Lexi and Lola, having them round, and Callum couldn't stop looking over to Ben at the table, smiling behind his fork. It feels like he's family, now.

He is, really. Sitting there that Wednesday night, Lexi fell asleep against Callum's side after dinner, and Ben couldn't stop smiling at them. When Callum fell asleep, too, head on hers, her little arms wrapped around him and holding on to just Callum's pinky finger — Ben took a picture just because he can, and it's still his background by Friday when he sees him again, idly looking at his phone while they sit in Callum's car, waiting to get takeaway from a drive-thru.

"Is that me?"

"Mm?" Ben promptly locks his phone, looking beside him.

"Your lockscreen," their smiles grow together when Ben tries to linger quietly for a few extra seconds.

"Don't know what you're on about," Ben teases, but he shows Callum his phone. It's adorable. Callum's eyes soften when he focuses on it.

"That's a good one."

"It is," Ben agrees, locking his phone again. "My favourite people."

"You're gettin' soft," Callum replies, elbow leaning on the open window of the car. "Expected your wallpaper to be a car or something."

"It was before I met you," Ben shrugs, as if confessing that while they're waiting in a takeaway queue is completely normal.

Callum swallows down the way his heart leaps, looking away and lifting his hand from the window to place the back of it against his lips.

"What?" Ben says, not having any idea.

"Nothing," he quickly scrambles for his phone to change the subject. "Only fair."

Callum shows him his lockscreen, and Ben's eyes have this shine that Callum can see, his smile growing.

It's Ben from their walk with Pip last Sunday. Pip is sitting there, covered in mud, Ben with absolute thunder in his eyes because she got him drenched in the very mud puddle she decided to swim in.

"I think she's jealous," Ben grumbles, partly amused Callum has it as his background, but also still pissed she got his favourite coat all muddy. She's adorable, though.

"Sounds like you are," Callum laughs, unlocking his phone to show him his other wallpaper.

"Wow, guess I'm popular. You must be a big fan," but it's all jokes to hide the way his chest is twisting. It's not a painful twisting, more of a yearning that makes Ben believe that Callum really does love him. "Also, when was that from?"

It's Ben, fast asleep against the pillow, sheets pulled up and his hand outstretched, Callum's hand just about holding it where the photo cuts off. There's an orange glow over him, a cut between night and day in the form of a diagonal line shaping over his shoulders.

Ben's never seen himself so… _relaxed._

Does Callum see him like this all the time?

"Yesterday night. I guess you could say I'm a fan," Callum keeps his tease going, knowing by now that it's Ben's way of saying _I have a lot of feelings right now and I don't know how to say it._

 _"Oh yeah?"_ Ben slurs his words, clicking his tongue as Callum pushes blue a little more to reach the order stand. "Which part, handsome?"

Callum sends an elbow to his arm, laughing when Callum can't contain his smile while ordering their food over the speaker.

Ben feels like they're two Uni students falling madly in love while the camera looks at them from outside the car. It feels too good to be true, allowing himself to be this way.

But it is, and Callum double checking what Ben wanted before placing his order is something that'll never stop the way his heart sings.

Callum decides to walk Pip during the evening. The sun paints the sky red, makes it warm, almost reflecting passion to a certain extent in how fiery it feels.

Callum sighs, watching his breath fold out in front of him as Pip walks alongside. Ben isn't here this time, saying that he's only got one decent coat left. Which is a lie, because Callum's seen how many coats _and_ jackets he's got when he tried to find a shirt that other night.

But, he also said that he knows about Callum, about his counselling, about how these walks are part of that steady rhythm to keep himself in a good state of mind. Callum said he doesn't mind Ben being there, and they could just walk, hand in hand without saying anything and it'd be the same, perhaps even better.

It feels nice that he knows, that he talks about it. Ben brought it up when they got home Friday, an advertisement about mental health on the tv unbearably loud as Ben almost fell asleep with his head on Callum's lap. That time Callum said he needed a friend and Ben came running, he remembers how he gripped Ben so tightly, and he remembers the marker on his calendar fridge in red pen.

"You can always talk to me," Ben had said, eyes so sincere as he'd sat up after letting Callum talk, Callum's hand still in his hair.

"I know," Callum blinks a few times. The tears sting a little. "Thank you."

In fact, he feels a lot more — _open._ Ben didn't treat it like a big deal but he still dealt with the conversation as if it was a major importance you don't just sweep under the rug.

There'll be good and bad days. There always are, really, and Callum knows that despite that, he'll have support, people by his side he can talk to. Callum is aware Ben suffers a lot of pain inside, too, but he imagines it's going to take a bit longer for him to open up, to talk about how he feels.

He's getting better. But there's no right or wrong way to do it. As long as Callum's there, Ben feels as if he'll be fine.

Callum said he'd go over to his after the walk, spend the night, cuddle. Ben tells him to not tell anyone how much of a hugger he really is, how Ben clings to him or nuzzles his head closer, but it's not like Callum was going to, anyway.

It's private, their story they don't have to tell. There's no acting, no pretending to be someone else when all they are in that moment is two normal people, skin and bone, heart and soul. Callum doesn't need to tease him, to say _aren't you soft in times like these,_ because Callum does the same. It's universal comfort.

Pip trots along the river bank, no ducks at this hour, so she's just enjoying the way the river splashes against the pads of her feet.

He reaches _their_ bench as Callum calls it now, the arch of trees overhead still bright and green in the height of summer. Callum prefers the autumn, the winter, how comfort increases tenfold in those months, something summer can't give in the midst of a boiling sun.

It makes him think about Christmas, about asking Ben, if they _do_ want to spend their first Christmas together. He's not even sure if his family is coming home, that his mother will find flights and spend it at their cottage house as they did as kids.

He sits down on the bench, head back as his chest loosens. Maybe he should ask, be ahead of the curve.

But it's _months_ away, and Ben's only just called them official in the last week. Callum _would_ like them to still be together by the time snow falls and trees become decorated. It's not even a _would,_ he'd like it more than anything. Callum has enough time to think about what to get him, then.

However, if his mother does come home, how does he explain Ben?

This is another step he needs to take, and there's no due date for it, but he knows now could be the only time, pulling out his phone from his pocket, smiling at the wallpaper for a second or two.

His scrolls down his contacts, searching for a specific one, thumb hovering over the name when he reaches it.

When it starts to ring, he places the speaker against his ear and leans back on the bench, the ghost of before when he was here with Ben keeping him company.

It's not long before the dial ends, and Callum has to speak.

"Hey, Mom."

 _"Callum! My boy! This is so unexpected!"_ She sounds excited, and _god,_ Callum's missed her voice.

"Sorry, I know I usually text before calling," he readjusts his feet, suddenly worried he's going to chicken out. "I just needed to talk to you."

There's silence for a moment, shuffling in the background, a door closing.

_"Is everything alright?"_

Callum doesn't know where to start. He laughs, pushing his hand further into his pocket to try and stop the nerves rattling his chest. 

"Are you coming home for Christmas?"

She laughs on the other end, _"It's a bit early to be asking that, isn't it?"_

Callum has a smile on his face, dipping his head.

"Yeah, but— It's kinda' important this year."

 _"I'd like to hope you think it's important your mother comes home for Christmas every year!"_ She laughs again, and Callum groans because he's already trying his best not to blurt out _why_ he's actually asking.

"You know I do!" Callum laughs. "Just, I do need to know, for reasons."

_"Well, I'm hoping to. I'll know more near the date— but why are you so eager to ask?"_

Callum bites his lip. It's now or never, and frankly, he doesn't know where to start.

"I'm happy, Mom," Callum smiles as he says it, taking a deep breath. "I think I'm the happiest I've ever been."

 _"Callum? You're worrying me, darling. You don't phone out the blue just to tell me you're happy!"_ There's a small chuckle, but Callum's silence doesn't help solve the confusion.

"I am, I really am. I didn't think it'd be something worth saying, but lately I've been thinking a lot about this, about how I feel, who I am," Callum's leg starts bouncing. "I should've told you years ago, asked for help, but I wasn't ready."

She doesn't say anything, but if Callum could see her, he'd see a hand over her mouth, tears in her eyes and a smile that reflects relief more than happiness.

"And I'm — I'm ready to tell you, to tell myself."

 _"Tell me when you're ready, Callum. You know I'll always love you, no matter what, alright? I've always said that, and I won't change my mind,"_ her words are so gentle, and Callum suddenly wishes she was here. The pressure in his chest pushes upwards, behind his eyes. _"Is this the reason why you're so happy?"_

"Yeah, I know, and thank you," Callum tips his head back, sighing. "And it is. I — didn't think I'd ever get this far."

 _"I've always believed in you,"_ Callum can hear she's crying now. _"I knew you needed time, but — god I'm so proud of you."_

Callum laughs, feeling the tear down his cheek, "I haven't even said it yet!" 

She laughs too, and there's a mutual silence, Callum understanding soon enough that it's his chance to say it.

"The next time you come back here, I won't be alone at the airport this time," Callum bites his lip, the smile he can't control bubbling all sorts of emotions in his stomach. "I — I have someone."

Once again, there's silence, a small sniffle, but she's not sure if to say anything. Callum hasn't told her the full story yet.

_"Someone?"_

"Ben," saying his name feels like something final. This is it, now. "He's called Ben. He's my boyfriend. I'm — I'm gay."

Callum expects silence, but he doesn't expect so much of it. He hears a sob or two, and Callum thinks this is going in the opposite direction until she sighs, then laughing.

 _"Callum, hearing you say that has made me so proud,"_ and her words make Callum smile, eyes shining with tears of a happy nature. _"I really wish I was there to give you a big hug right now! I'm— god I'm so happy for you, my boy. And how is he? This Ben?"_

"Where do I start?" Callum can't stop that falling from his lips, taking a deep breath because he still doesn't understand how to explain it. "He — _loves_ me, Mom. Someone loves me in that way, for the first time in my life and I get to have that. I didn't think I ever would, you know? I thought hiding was so much easier, and I didn't even know I was hiding. I was just scared, and I was scared about my feelings towards Ben."

_"That's nothing to feel bad about, Callum. We all need different amounts of time to find it for ourselves. Being as strong as you are now, ready to tell me, to tell the world — it feels amazing, but it's still scary, right?"_

"Yeah," he laughs. "I'm scared about new things now, things I didn't have to worry about before."

 _"That's how life is, but for you to get this far and take this step, I think you can take on anything,"_ she has this clear smile in her voice, and Callum really wishes she was here. In a few months, hopefully. _"Delilah just told me she's proud of you, too."_

"How is she?" He's always loved Deliliah, mostly because she makes his mother a world of happy.

_"Good. It's busy over here, you should definitely come out here with Ben! We'll give you the best times to come over."_

"I can't snowboard, Mom," he laughs, and for a moment, he leans forward. "But, could we? I'd have to ask but, he has a kid and I think she'd love to come too."

 _"Of course! I'd love to meet them all out here,"_ she says, and Callum feels another type of acceptance when she says nothing at all about Lexi. She trusts Callum, trusts he's found a good one. _"Maybe you could come over before Christmas? Or do you have something planned?"_

Callum thinks for a second. _Do they_ have anything planned? He can't put his finger on anything, but perhaps it's best not to ask when it'll be way too sudden in Callum's book.

"I'm not sure. Is it okay if I get back to you on that?"

_"Sure! We'll always have room here for you and Ben. And any other people you want to bring along too."_

"Thank you, Mom. It — it really means a lot," Callum sniffs, wiping his thumb under his eyes because it's all too much.

_"So, come on then. Send us a picture of you both when we get off the phone. I need to head off and do some management so we'll call soon, okay?"_

"Yeah," and Callum can't help himself. "Thank you, again. I'm lucky to have you as my Mom."

 _"Oh, Callum. I love you! As long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me. I didn't have the best decision making when it came to your father, but if you came out of it, then that's all I need to think about. I'm thankful for what a lovely young man you've become,"_ and that's what starts the waterworks for Callum, smiling from ear to ear as he blinks.

"Love you, Mom."

_"Love you too, my dear. Take care."_

As he hangs up, the breeze that blows past feels like a refresher. He cries quietly, but more out of relief and happiness than being upset. He has the love of his life, potentially, and his mother accepts him being gay.

He should tell Ben, talk about a potential trip, maybe even two. It feels like he wants to declare his undying love and drop to one knee and ask Ben to run away with him.

Callum laughs at himself, but it makes him feel alive having dreams about happiness instead of hoping for it.

Callum sends the picture of them from the other day when they went out to get food. Ben's kissing his cheek with a smile.

_Mom x: [goodness. he's handsome! Xx]_

_Callum: [yeah. He's alright. :)]_

_Mom x: [i'm happy he makes you happy. Send my love to him and that I hope to meet him properly soon! Xx M]_

As he calls for Pip, he pockets his phone, walking again with his head held high, the balcony of branches overhead sprinkling sunshine over both of them.

He feels new. Feels like _Callum._

\- - -

_MONDAY_

_"So,"_ Callum starts as he sits down opposite to Ben. "I have an idea."

Ben tilts his head, a playful smirk already there.

"Go on, then."

"Another date," Callum focuses entirely on his pancakes so he doesn't have to look at Ben's reaction. He's asking for another one way too soon, way too fast, but Callum can't escape how good it felt last time to do something that was just for _them._

Their calendar date, their time and place. No one else.

Callum is about to say it was all a joke, but Ben is smiling, genuine.

"One condition," he says, holding a finger up, lifting it from where he's crossing his arms against the table.

"Uh — sure," replies Callum. Better than a no, right?

And Ben takes his time, which worries Callum, because the more he keeps whatever he wants to say on his tongue, the more wild Callum's heart becomes.

Is it always going to be like this?

"Can we go back to that house? Your family one?"

Well, he didn't expect that. Callum pauses his fork midway to his mouth. The shock of it causes him to lower that fork, entirely focused on Ben now.

"You mean the cottage farmhouse?" 

"Yeah," Ben scratches at the back of his head, trying to keep cool. "I like that place. It's peaceful. Maybe we could — make a weekend out of it?"

Callum's heart is doing the opposite now, slowing, mellowing to a steady drum that matches Ben's on the other side of the table. They've already agreed and they haven't even said it yet.

Their hearts just _know._

"That sounds really nice, actually." Callum beams, and it's contagious. Ben equally shares a grin.

"Yeah? Only if it's alright. I don't want to spend too much time there if it makes things weird."

"Why would it be weird?" he goes to add something else, but Ben stutters and tries to correct himself from earlier.

"It's your family home, and the only reason I know of it is because of my own mistake," Ben shrugs, picking up his fork and realising he hasn't touched any of the pancakes Callum bought for both of them. "It's not exactly a holiday home for me to ask when I can come back, is it?"

Callum smiles, "Wow, is that you being thoughtful?"

Ben blanks. And then, he starts laughing, because the only guy to make Ben think twice about others is Callum. He goes to speak up, to tell him to leave it, but Callum knocks his foot under the table.

"Of course we can go there for a weekend. I told you we could go back when you wanted to," he nudges the plate closer to Ben so he doesn't end up eating them all. "Besides, it _is_ a family home. You — you're family."

Ben almost set that up too easily. In honesty, he expected it, but for Callum to say it and sound so genuine makes his heart feel like it's being squeezed. He's never really had family, just one he's found all on his own, and now Callum is accepting him into his very own.

Or maybe, it's _their_ family. Ben and Callum's family, the one they make by being together even if they haven't said it.

"Only you would say some romantic shit in the middle of a diner at half eleven in the morning," Ben replies, heart still elevated over hearing such words. "Over some pancakes no doubt."

"They're nice pancakes."

Ben rolls his eyes, taking a few bites at last, "What about this weekend, then?"

"Sounds good to me," Callum leans his head on his hand, watching people pass by the diner as they sit at the window seat. "Do you want me to come pick you up?"

Ben shakes his head, munching on another pancake before replying, "I'll make my way there."

"You sure?"

"I can handle a few country roads, Callum," he laughs, smiling when Callum nods his head like he's saying _sure you can,_ knowing that the roads around his house can get pretty confusing.

"Alright, well— I'll see you there? Saturday? About five?"

"Can't wait."

\- - -

_SATURDAY_

"Ah!" Callum beams as Ben steps out of his car. "You didn't get lost, then?"

Ben clicks his tongue, shutting the door, "Shut it. The countryside all looks the same."

Callum laughs on his own, but it's joined by Ben's smile as he approaches. Ben spots the keys in his hand, nodding towards them.

"You only just got here?"

"Yeah," Callum turns to the door to unlock it, hiding his smile, Ben placing a solid hand on his back. "My shift finished a bit late."

Ben hums, sighing when he hears the door click open. He remembers the atmosphere well, almost like a second home, but he's not sure if that's these four walls or Callum.

Opening the door for him, Callum smiles when they meet eyes, the marking to the start of their weekend. By the look on Ben's face, almost daring, it's going to be a fun one.

That is until Ben steps in and towards the open living room, bag resting on his shoulder almost slipping from how he fails to keep himself held up.

How can he when he's presented with something straight out of a dream.

The sofas have been pushed to the edges of the room, leaving enough cozy space to place the blanket down they used at the picnic. There's pillows, a laptop sleeping but plugged in and Ben would bet anything that Callum has a movie behind that black screen. A fireplace crackles at the side, too.

"You _liar,"_ Ben laughs, turning to him as Callum clicks and locks the door. 

"I ain't lying!" Callum holds his hand up near his chest, Ben shaking his head at him. "Okay — _maybe_ I set some of this up this morning before work which is why my shift finished a little late."

Ben takes a step forward to meet him, eyes already closed before he kisses him, shoulder bag dropping to the floor as Callum's hands suspend in the air.

He's taken by surprise, but his hands soon fall in line, framing Ben's ribs as Ben grips at his hoodie with one hand.

When they pull apart, Callum blinks his eyes open, Ben still hovering near him with a grin on his face, knowing he just rendered Callum speechless with nothing but a kiss.

"Hi," he says, shuffling to stand better on his own feet. Callum just stares back, blank.

"Hi," replies Callum, breaking into a small smile as Ben pecks his lips once more. "You — you like the surprise, then?"

"You told me it was just a relaxing weekend of just you and me," Ben taps his chest, turning to look at all the unlit candles dotted around in odd places. "Not — _this."_

Callum laughs, nervous, but starts moving his hands down to the bottom of Ben's back.

"Still is," he says. "But I thought it'd be nice to do something. I've, uh — missed you."

Ben takes a deep breath, because he'll never get used to Callum saying that. Probably never. His heart has never truly been missed by someone before, only feeling the hatred and poison people spit his way. He's never felt this — _longing_ to get back to Callum before, the will to not miss him and be _there_ in the moment for as long as he can.

"I've missed you, too," and Ben can admit the truth because he's never felt so true in what he feels, how Callum's hands peel away all the dread and loneliness that have crept back through the week.

"This isn't too fast, is it?" Callum's almost whispering, scared he's pushing some sort of boundary to already be doing what feels to be a second date.

Well, it _is_ a second date. Sort of. Probably. He _did_ ask if they could go on another one, and this is promptly the result of that.

It is a date. Callum feels a bit nervous.

"No," Ben replies, smoothing his hand up to Callum's cheek. "I know fast, and this isn't it. And even if it was, I'm here, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are," Callum takes a deep breath. One nervous tick dealt with, at least. "We kinda' did do things the wrong way round, didn't we?"

Ben lets his hands fall, resting on Callum's stomach now, "Do you regret it?"

"What?"

"What we did," replies Ben, his expression rather blank, almost fearful that Callum feels different to what he does about their past relationship and what was tied to it. "Do you look back and think we could've done it better?"

Callum blinks, laughing nervously because Ben looks as if he wants Callum to agree to that, to prove his anxiety right. But Ben's never been more wrong.

"No— I liked it. It was _us_ at the time, who we were. I think we both needed each other in some way even though it ended up hurting."

"I'm sorry," Ben whispers, fingers picking at the fabric. "I tried to make you hate me, but you just— you wouldn't. You kept seeing something in me I never have, and I still don't know what you see in me."

Callum squeezes his arms, pulling Ben into a tight embrace, brushing his nose against his. Ben breathes out, hands smoothing around to Callum's back. 

"A future, maybe. Happiness, I feel that for sure. There's a lot I don't know, I'm still learning, but I know I don't want to let go of this, of you," Callum tilts his chin to kiss him, Ben taking a moment to kiss back because Callum's words feel like honey.

Ben adjusts his arms, pulling away from the lock but still kissing him, Callum still hugging him as he feels Ben's thumbs against his stubble. Ben pulls him closer with his hands alone, a tingle in his stomach that feels way too cheesy to voice in his head, but he can't help it.

_Love._

Callum pulls back, smile on his face as his thumbs circle at the back of Ben's shirt, "You okay?"

"I'm more than okay," Ben says, curving his voice around a smile that looks like it'll never fade. "Want me to light the candles?"

"Sure," Callum nods, kissing his forehead softly before they both break, but their hands fall together, tight, as Callum leads him into the kitchen.

"Come choose your toppings first. I made pizza," and Ben takes an extra step forward at that, making a noise that matches awe as he spots two homemade pizzas ready for whatever Ben decides.

"Did you make this now?" 

"Prepared it in the kitchen before I left work, and since I'm the boss, they couldn't question me," but Callum's cheeks do go red.

"They did, though, didn't they?" Ben says as they reach the side, already deciding what he's going to pick from the array of freshly prepared ingredients.

"Yeah," he sighs. "They did."

Ben _coos,_ kissing his cheek, laughing when Callum tells him to leave it. But they do start preparing, Callum helping as Ben picks his toppings, and then when Callum finishes off the preparation, Ben goes to light all of the candles, smiling as he walks past, stepping over cushions thinking about Callum preparing all of this.

Maybe they did do everything backwards, but it doesn't matter when they're as happy as they are now.

Callum walks back in as Ben finishes lighting the one near the laptop, and Ben meets his eyes as he waits, standing by the other side of the pillows.

"They'll be about fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty," he smiles, and Ben steps over the cushions to meet Callum, hands on his waist as he looks up to him.

Ben wants to say something, but he can't help just staring, looking over Callum's face because there's no way he's real, this humanly perfect.

They're such complete opposites; Callum with his heart on his sleeve and Ben with a heart that's got fangs, sinking in and taking to never give anything back. But now, even if those fangs stay, they're blunt, almost fake like they weren't there at all. Callum's made him this way, scared but dancing in the dark instead of feeling lost in it.

He's been looking for Callum in different strangers, falling into their arms and hoping for the best, hoping for the minimum so he can walk away with more satisfaction than regret. It never turned out that way, though, the burn in his throat from those teeth grinding against his ribs.

Ever since he fucked up with Callum at the holiday, he's wanted to rewind, to go back to the start and try again because it still doesn't feel as if he deserves any of it.

Now, Ben doesn't understand how he has this, this world with Callum. He was some late night, early morning devil behind the wheel that left Callum with nothing but pain and the sound of the engine getting furthur and furthur away. But that doesn't matter, not anymore, not when Callum takes hold of him like this, like he never wants to let go.

If Ben falls, he goes with him.

Ben brushes his thumb under one of his eyes, smiling as Callum does. Callum saved him from being another bad name, another devil in the night calling up strangers to feel something, _anything._

Now, he feels everything, knows he has it, and Ben pulls him in to kiss him knowing he's better than he was, and he'll always be better now he's allowed himself to breathe.

They must hold each other for a while, in each other's arms, gentle kisses here and there as Ben closes his eyes, feeling how Callum's jaw moves when he kisses him.

The bell rings on Callum's timer, and they slowly break apart, hands still intertwined until the moment their fingertips break. Ben gets comfy, kicking off his shoes so he can sit down in the pile of pillows.

He moves his finger over the trackpad, a wall of movies and choice lined up. It makes Ben feel bubbly, like they're having some sort of sleepover as they would as kids. Ben wonders how they would be now if Ben knew him when he was younger.

Callum walks in with two plates, both with steaming pizzas, cheese melted and stringy, sauce with so much flavour Ben just sits there admiring it before picking up the first slice.

It tastes amazing. Callum's amazing.

They both agree on a movie before they finish the first slice, and Ben leans against him as they both lean their backs against the sofa. 

Callum turns to him as the opening credits roll, a sweet tune playing to introduce the characters, "Nice?"

Ben turns his way, smiling, because Callum waits on Ben's reply like it's the most important answer of his life.

"Perfect," Ben says, not even glancing at the pizza. He's on about Callum.

Callum leans closer to kiss him once, then again, before going back to his own pizza, ears going red.

Good. He knows. Ben smiles to himself, focusing back on the movie and the flavour in his mouth, the company beside him.

It goes down well, standing up just as Callum finishes his last slice. And ever the gentleman as he is, asks for Callum's plate.

"I'll do that," Callum says, but Ben's already taking his plate.

"You cooked," debates Ben, shrugging as Callum complains that doesn't mean anything. "Don't get up!"

"Then I'll dry," Callum follows him into the kitchen, quickly running back to pause the movie before heading back to Ben again. 

"Sounds like our first married argument," says Ben, and he sees Callum go a little still beside him.

"Married?"

"Well, we're only missing a ring if I'm doing your washing up after a romantic pizza on a pile of plush pillows," he does this day dreamy smile towards him, and Callum, if he didn't love him, would've left him to do the washing up entirely on his own.

"I didn't think you were the person to think about that," Callum adds, going about his job, drying the plates and cutlery Ben stacks after washing.

"What, marriage?"

"Yeah."

Ben pauses for a moment. He doesn't, really. It's only when he needs to joke about something or bully someone else and the chance is right there.

"I guess I'm not," Ben keeps scrubbing despite the little ache he feels in his fingers. Maybe he _should_ think about it. Maybe. "What about you?"

"I'd like it, someday," Callum slows his movements, thinking of it all; the grand day. The lead up. The afterwards.

Ben laughs, "No pressure or anything."

 _"No! No no no_ I didn't mean it like that," Callum leans against the side as he tries to get Ben's focus. Ben, unable to keep his cool, looks towards him and almost wishes he could hear his thoughts. "It's something I've thought about, not that I necessarily want it or need it. It'd just be nice, I think."

"Well," Ben starts, pausing as he turns to Callum with his hands still in the bowl. "Maybe something to think about for the future. For us."

Callum, about three weeks ago, would've dropped the plate he's currently holding. Now, he grips it tighter, a flourish of strength coming from belief that they'll make it to that future. Ben's learning a lot, and Callum is too, and it doesn't mean their journey stops here.

"You don't have to do that," Callum shrugs, a shy smile on his face. "I'm happy — I'm really happy with this. With us. I don't know a day where I'll be without it now."

"Ouch, clingy," Ben jokes, harmless, but Callum steps closer to nudge his nose against Ben's, head tipping up to meet him like clockwork, closing their eyes as they kiss.

Ben suddenly realises why he is, kissing him, because his heart flutters and his hands reach for Callum, wet and bubbly, just to pull him close because _yeah,_ it's true.

He can't see a future without him either.

"Ben," Callum giggles, but making no move to pull away as their lips brush. "You could've dried your hands first."

"Waste of time," Ben mumbles, fingertips reaching into his hair at the back while his thumb frames his ears.

"We've got lots of time, if you wanna' marry me in the future," Callum's hands sit on his hips, placing Ben with his back against the sink, falling into a few more kisses before Ben has to tip his head back, laughing.

"You're gonna' hold that against me, aren't you?"

"Maybe," Callum pecks his nose. "A man can dream."

"You don't need to dream," Ben replies, soothing a hand, firm and warm down his chest. The sound is still there, as unique as it is Callum. "Good chance it'll be real, sooner or later."

Ben watches Callum's smile grow, hands squeezing because his heart needs an outlet for how much Ben's words build warm, welcoming pressure in his chest. He just wants to hug him, kiss him, hold him.

"Okay," Callum says, nervous as he gives them space, but never breaking contact. "You can be quite romantic on the rare occasion."

"Fuck off, I always am," Ben shoves him, and Callum scoffs. "Don't look at me like that."

"Name one time you were romantic," he challenges, crossing his arms while Ben seemingly looks like he's searching already. He needs to give himself a head start.

It takes a minute, but then Ben points at him, a face as though he's solved a great question of time.

"The club," which okay, is a good start. "I kissed your hand."

"And?"

"Uh—" Ben clicks his fingers, then rubs one of his eyebrows to try and search for something. "What are we considering romantic?"

"What do _you_ consider romantic?"

"Acts of the— well, it's not always _horizontal,_ is it? We've had a few _different—"_

"That's not romantic," Callum cuts in before Ben makes a tomato out of Callum's face. But then, he thinks about it, and his heart stirs warmly. "That one time, though."

Ben smirks, interested to hear which one Callum finds anchored to his heart.

"The other week, when we were here," Callum points upstairs, a smile on his face just thinking about it. "With the storm."

"Oh," Ben goes a little shy, because he remembers himself, how it was the first time he's ever felt that way doing that. "Yeah, that was—"

"Romantic," Callum says as he's looking at Ben, and Ben smiles, having to turn away because Callum's eyes are too much.

"So you agree those moments can be romantic?" asks Ben.

"Not always," he shrugs, but then shrugs again. "With you it's different."

Ben can agree, but he has too much of his own pride to say so, turning around and continuing the washing up with a smile that burns his ears from how _happy_ he is.

Callum comes up behind, kissing at the side of his neck, feeling the heat coming off his skin.

"Are you blushing?" Callum asks, looking at the side of his face. An obvious blush.

"No," he nudges him away, but Callum doesn't stray. "Do your job so we can go back to actually having our date?"

"You don't consider doing chores together part of our date? I think it's a highlight, considering what we've talked about. Besides, you're the one that insisted."

"And you're meant to be the one to persuade me otherwise," replies Ben, meeting his eyes now.

"I think that's your job, not mine," Callum winks his way, but he just ends up blinking, and Ben can't help but laugh at him. "What?"

"Nothing," Ben says, handing him the last piece of cutlery. "Now dry. I want a few more hours with you before my eyes fall shut."

"You're tired?" Callum sounds genuinely concerned, stopping what he's doing to give his undivided attention to Ben. God, in what universe does he deserve him?

"Not that," Ben wipes his hands dry. "Just — comfortable." And he could say a lot more, like how he feels safe, how Callum's hand in his hair makes him fall asleep. _Being_ with Callum in whatever way it is, it's a feeling you can't replicate.

"Oh," Callum's not quite sure he understands, but as long as Ben's happy, then he is. Simple as. "Go on, then. There's some ice cream in the freezer. You want some?"

"Only a bit. I'm a bit full."

"Alright, see you in about twenty seconds."

Ben smiles, "I'll be counting!"

\- - -

Ben looks around the room while it's silent, taking it all in because he didn't last time. He imagines it holds an album's worth of memories for Callum, more than Ben has. But really, they've made their own here, and knowing Ben sits alongside memories of his family feels as though anything is possible. Anything can be theirs.

Then he spots it. Old, varnished wood without any chips. The golden, rusted hinges of a lock and a lid. Ben would recognise one anywhere.

"Is that...?" Ben nods his head towards the box, and Callum looks to Ben before following where he's looking.

"Oh," Callum smiles sweetly, hand still moving up and down his arm as another short movie rolls the credits. "My Mom's vinyl player."

Ben has this wonder in his eyes when Callum casts his eyes back to him, a wonder that only something nostalgic could do. Callum had books. Ben had music.

"Can I?"

"Yeah," nods Callum. "Go ahead."

Ben hesitates, but stands up from the hold Callum has him in to walk over, hands already in the air as his feet pad softly to where he needs to go. The candle lights flicker as he walks past, dotted around everywhere Callum could place one.

His hands hover in the air when he's faced with the box, nervous. It's been years since he's played one, let alone thought about it. The old jukebox in Lexi's favourite diner is the closest he can get to that feeling without the bad memories.

He places two fingers either side, gentle, but then pressing a little firmer to get a good grip as he lifts the lid. It's like opening treasure for Ben, all the components there and in pristine condition.

"You like vinyls?" Callum says from behind. Ben feels a little speechless.

"My Grandma had one," he runs a finger across the edge of the wood, thinking back to her voice, telling him to take care of the player he eventually broke. He felt guilty for months. Still does. "She used to play classics in the bar."

Callum shuffles behind him, standing up, adjusting his hoodie. He walks up to Ben, feet soft against the carpet, and smoothes his hands around to his stomach, hugging him from behind. Kissing his temple softly, Callum does small little movements with his hands over his tummy to comfort him.

"You never told me," he says, voice quiet between them.

"I… didn't really think about it," Ben leans back into him, sigh falling from his lips showing how content he is. Callum squeezes a little for a moment, keeping Ben warm.

"Did you love them as a kid?"

"Yeah," Ben focuses back on the player, smiling to himself, how far he's come. "Didn't feel it was a part of me I could love. Everyone used to laugh."

Callum kisses his shoulder, giving Ben a moment to reflect. It's not easy, none of this is.

"You should," replies Callum, rising to his full height again, hands still weighted on Ben's waist. "Love it, you know. What you want to love."

Ben keeps one hand on the vinyl, the other moving to grip Callum's hand, locking their fingers. Callum understands what he wants to say without even saying it.

_I do. I do now._

Callum brings his hand up to kiss the back of it, pressing it against his cheek and brushing his thumb over the warm skin as Ben slightly turns to him.

"If this is here, did you listen to it too?" Ben's referring to his childhood.

"Sometimes," Callum lets go of his hand, softly leaving it by his side in order not to just drop it. He steps to Ben's side, leaning down to open the doors of the small cabinet it sits on. "She only used to play it occasionally when we were outside playing, me and my siblings. Made her feel less alone I think."

The open doors reveal a small but priceless collection. Some known, some not so much. 

"These are hers?" Ben leans down to see them, fingers reaching out but then flinching back. "Can I see?"

"Yeah," Callum smiles as he meets his eyes, one hand still firm on his waist. "I trust you."

Ben's fingers walk through the disc sleeves as the fire crackles near them. He recognises some of them, even one or two of his favourites being there, and he picks one out slowly.

Bringing it towards him, Ben stands back up, holding the case in his hands. Callum's arms wrap around him again, constantly in need of touch, like one second without Ben feels like years.

"My Grandma loved this one too," Ben has this smile Callum hasn't seen before. It's open, brindled with joy only a child would have.

Maybe he doesn't look back on his childhood as much, too plagued by the parts that dig too deep to try and search blindly for the good. Little memories like this captured in physical material, imagery; it allows Ben to have those memories without anything else.

"You wanna' play it?" asks Callum, seeing in that moment the hesitation, the flinch he feels in Ben's body from how much they're in physical contact.

"I— yeah. I do," Ben turns slightly, looking down to his lips and smiling.

Callum thinks he looks so free. He looks in love, stripped of the scales that guard his last name, finally _Ben._

He leans down to kiss him, just once, hand coming up to press his thumb at the corner, swiping across his cheek. Callum gives him a smile, and that's the yes Ben recieves.

So, still in Callum's arms, he turns, taking the vinyl from the sleeve with a delicate focus Callum's only seen a few times. He's always seen him be gentle with Lexi, like she's this precious thing Ben doesn't deserve, that somehow he'll turn into a father as awful as his own.

But he's changed with Callum, too.

Bandaging his knuckles after the club, the first kiss when Callum pushed forward, their first time. Then it stopped for a while, denial of something greater, and sooner or later Ben couldn't hold back anymore. If Ben's the storm, then Callum is the thunder that releases that pressure, calming, parting the clouds for the blue to break through.

It's that, how they've both evolved. It makes Callum think they were made to be. Almost makes him believe in fate.

What was once silence and the shifting of hands over fabric becomes melodic. Sweet, humming tunes start playing from the speaker with a metallic crackle underneath. 

Callum feels the reaction to the music more than anything. Knots, one by one in Ben's body untie themselves, the weight on his shoulders turning to mush and falling to the floor.

It's another pocket in time, another pocket made on their own the world can't ruin. Ben feels at peace, at home, _safe._

Callum squeezes him, and Ben hugs his arms that lay across his stomach, breathing in as he closes his eyes. The words start, a voice of an angel, carrying a story that feels not too far from their own.

Ben lays his head back on Callum's shoulder, smiling as the friendly giant kisses the pulse on his neck, feeling the gentle smile against his skin.

They sway, or Ben starts it, just a little move of Ben's upper body, and Callum follows, always does.

This moment of total serenity, Ben wants it again and again. There's nothing like this, just _holding,_ unwinding in the arms of someone that loves beyond the word itself. How Callum's hair tickles the side of his face when he kisses him, or how they stay there in complete silence, bathing in the warmth, touch and comfort they should've been giving themselves for months.

Every story has a different path. It's been rocky, painful, but the smooth surface they're driving on now is worth it, continuing on to the horizon.

Ben doesn't know how it can get better than this, one or two butterflies in his stomach thinking about the future, about the many more things they have to come. It's daunting, to love and not know all of it, but it's becoming natural to Ben, like breathing, gentle and memorable like Callum's fingertips, light and mesmerizing over his skin.

Callum brings one hand up, palm to Ben's neck, turning his head so he can kiss him, the arm still swung around him pressing a little more.

It's a reminder that Callum still loves him, that the gnawing anxiety and past horrors that will linger with Ben for the rest of his life doesn't bother him. It's a priceless reminder for Callum, because he feels the same feelings return, how one or two fingers grip his hoodie to keep him there so they can kiss sweetly for a few more minutes.

Ben has this smile when they pull back, almost blushing. He feels silly for loving someone this much, but there's nothing stopping him, not when it feels _good, amazing —_ like all this time he was _meant_ to feel it. That he's allowed to.

Maybe that's Callum, but how they settle back into a gentle sway makes every bone in Ben's body melt. Callum holds him up, always has. Always will.

"I remember this one," says Callum, whispered, not sure if Ben wants total silence even if they've been doing that for three whole songs.

"When was the last time you listened to it?"

"When I was a kid," Callum places a gentle kiss to his neck again, then another, until Ben starts to shift in his arms, turning to face him.

"Dance with me," Ben laughs as Callum goes pale.

"I've got two left feet, Ben," he feels nervous all of a sudden, hands still on his waist but a feather touch instead of more. 

"I'll teach you," Ben takes his hands, pressing them inwards towards his back as Ben takes that step closer. "It's easy."

"Easy for you to say!" 

Ben shakes his head, "Hold me here, like this."

Ben intertwines their fingers, pressing them against the small arch of his back, and when Callum nods, he lets go. 

"And then I do this," Ben reaches his arms up, sitting his hands on the back of his neck, thumb tickling the short hairs.

Callum realises that's it, and his smile is sweet and loving when he realises it really is that easy. Then Ben starts to move, a tiny sway that causes them to move their feet every so often.

Ben quickly thinks that this was a bad idea. Callum holds him tighter, almost hugging him, eyes hooded as they entirely focus on his own.

It slips from his tongue before he can catch himself.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Ben asks, brushing his thumb idly behind one of his ears.

Callum takes a breath, Ben feels his fingers moving a little.

"I'm happy."

It's so simple, just one word, meaningless in most circumstances. But here, now, with Ben and how he seems to smile in disbelief, it knocks Ben back and makes his heart hammer back twice as hard.

"Happy?"

"With you," Callum tilts his head, looking over his face. "I thought I'd never have this, to love someone. I thought it was too far away, or that it wasn't real because I couldn't find it. I could see it in other people — but never myself."

Ben smiles too, now. It curls his lips gently, and he notices just now how much Callum's eyes have this amber glow under the candles, mixing with the blue already there.

"I was thinking about it the other day, when we woke up together."

"Yeah?" Ben doesn't think Callum will ever speak something that doesn't make his heart cry.

"I looked at you beside me, and I remembered how you said it," Callum closes his eyes, bumping his forehead to his, their height making it so it's more in Ben's hair than his forehead. "I just thought — _fuck,_ I'm so happy with you, I just want this with you for as long as I can."

Ben's hands drop to his chest as they keep swaying in their little circle. He doesn't know what to say, but his body feels alive, electric. 

"I told my Mom," he says, and Ben brings his head back to look at him.

"Told her what?"

"I came out to her, said that the next time she flies home it won't just be me at the gate," he pauses and smiles, allowing Ben to catch on. "I said you'd be there with me, that I have someone."

Ben's face loses the small amount of focus he holds whenever he's been thinking too much. The weight of what that means, accepting Ben into his family and wanting him to meet his family is something Ben never thought would happen.

He always thought he'd never find a relationship, and now, he has one, and he thought that it'd be something secret and private between them. But Callum wants the world to know, _his_ world, _his_ family that he loves Ben and he wants him to be a part of it.

It's too much all at once; Callum's eyes, how he holds him, the promise of a future where he's accepted into Callum's family. His head falls to his chest, and they still sway, but they stop moving in that small circle. Callum faces the window now, moonlight blue and faded as it tries to reach through the curtains.

Ben is warm against him, heavy, but Callum kisses the top of his head, one hand moving up his back to press his fingers through his hair.

"You're— impossible," Ben mumbles against his chest, arms hugging around Callum. "There's no way you'd want that."

Callum smiles against him, Ben can feel it in his hair, "I thought we were impossible once. Look how that turned out."

Ben tilts his head back, "Was that before or after I stole your car?" Ben's smile grows slightly, but inside, there's so many things he wants to say.

"Definitely sometime after," Callum shrugs, making them both laugh. Callum leans down to kiss him, and Ben sighs against his lips, fingers gripping his hoodie at the back.

"At least I returned it," chuckles Ben, brushing his nose against his.

"Reluctantly, _and_ the fact it's hidden somewhere in your garage," Callum kisses him again, hand moving to his jaw, the tickle of his stubble against his palm making him smile. 

Ben half laughs as he pulls back, _"Alright!_ Maybe I wasn't the best person back then."

"Maybe?"

Ben pushes against his chest with playful intentions, but he equally grips his hoodie when he does it so he can pull him back. He never wants to let go.

"I wasn't, I know that," and his smile fades to something more content. Acceptance. "But I'm better now."

"You're just yourself, Ben," Callum shakes his head. "You were trying so hard to be someone else's vision of you. Not who you really wanna' be."

"I know who I wanna' be," Ben smiles brighter, hands coming up to rest against his jaw and Callum can see in his eyes what he's already going to say. "I wanna' be the man I am with you."

Callum tips his head back, more to stop the tears than anything, and then looks back down to Ben as he leans up to kiss him. 

"That's you," he says, brushing his thumb near Ben's lips. "That's always been you, who you are now. You were just too scared, like I was."

"You were scared?" Ben asks, looking down to Callum's lips. 

"Love is scary, ain't it? How you feel because of someone else, like you have no control over it," Callum moves to brush his freckles now. "But you just—"

"Let go?" Ben finishes it for him, and Callum pauses, looking directly at him.

"Knowing they'll catch you," Callum adds the last bit, and Ben has this expression that tells Callum he knew that already. Callum's always done it, always pulled him back up.

Ben is speechless. Maybe he isn't alone, after all. Callum feels exactly as he does, if not in his own way and yet still knowing how Ben feels.

"You want to— uh, dance a bit more?" Ben doesn't know what to reply, but Callum knows that they both needed to say it, a sort of lock and key on a bridge somewhere that will stand the test of time.

"I'd like that," Callum's hands fall back to their place, Ben with his, and that's it.

They sway gently, Ben's head on Callum's chest, far away from snarling engines and the riptide of exhausts popping in and out. It's as if he's drifted back, drawn lines around Callum and stayed in this bubble where people can't touch them.

He needs to think about it, how he's going to keep racing, or if at all. There's been no hunger for the adrenaline or a need to feel numb, because when it's boiled down that's all it is.

But there's other things that a car gives Ben, what it means and why he's done it for years and years. This is his time to find out why, away from it all, realising what his life is missing but not missing at all. It's stepping back to see the full picture.

When the vinyl stops, all Ben can hear is Callum's heart. Maybe it's some sort of sign, that even when there is nothing but silence and dread, Callum's there to love him.

He doesn't want the night to be over just yet. They have one or two hours before it even reaches midnight. Ben's fine just going to bed, but he feels he needs to talk more.

Slowly breaking, hands still connected to bodies, Ben looks down, swallowing because he's not used to all of this. He doesn't think he ever will, wanting to ask for something instead of just taking it.

He looks back to the vinyl, smiling sweetly as he steps back towards it, Callum staying where he is as he watches Ben place it back in it's sleeve.

"Do you want to listen to another?"

Ben shakes his head, "Maybe tomorrow? In the morning?"

"Okay," Callum smiles as Ben puts everything away and closes lids and doors. It's a memory that exists in an object itself, not his head.

Ben goes to grab a candle, touching it gently to make sure the glass isn't hot, before slowly walking while he stares at the flame. Callum is suddenly confused.

"What are you doing with that?"

"A date idea," Ben pauses walking to look over his shoulder. "Come on. Can't let you have all the spotlight."

"Right now?"

Ben laughs, "Right now."

Callum stutters, "But where?"

He checked the whole house when he got here, and Ben doesn't have a key to set something up.

"That'll spoil the surprise," Ben says, taking the first step up the stairs.

Callum blinks a few times before walking after him, following him up the stairs and expecting him to walk towards the bedroom. 

Ben doesn't, walking past it and towards the bathroom. The candle illuminates the shadows of the room, making them warm and inviting.

Callum stops at the bathroom door, watching Ben place down the single candle on the other side of the bath. It's quite a big tub, and Ben starts switching on the tap.

"A bath?" Callum tries to hide his laugh.

"It's romantic!" Ben gestures towards it, the rushing water quite loud. "Thought it'd be nice."

"This ain't a date. Being in this house _is_ the date."

"I don't think it's a date anymore, Callum," Ben shrugs, as if he's realised this now, too. "We're— together. I should stop calling them dates becausr I'm too scared to call it anything else when I just wanna' spend time with you."

Callum's face softens, taking a deep breath as Ben looks away. He's shy about this. The same guy that stole his car with the energy of a bull and a red flag is shy about accepting that he's in a loving relationship.

He takes a step forward, looking down to the water, thinking for a second before reaching to a high shelf. Bubble bath.

Callum pours a generous amount, taking a glance at Ben who's smiling down at the tub, hands at his sides because he was confident about this five minutes ago.

"Okay," Callum clears the silence. "It's pretty romantic."

Ben takes that chance to look back at him, smiling, as Callum leans his head closer to bump it against his. 

"You or me?" Callum asks, placing the bottle back.

"Both of us?" Ben shrugs, and starts chuckling when Callum's eyes go wide.

"Oh," he scratches the back of his head. "Alright."

They wait for the water to rise a bit more before taking off shirts and other things. For having slept together more than once, they're rather shy about this.

Time feels stationary as Callum steps in first, Ben after to sit between his legs and lean back. It's as if they're in the water they were once lost in, now afloat in each other's arms.

Callum leans his head on Ben's, arms around him under the water. One of Ben's hands trails up and down Callum's arm, mindless as the heat and comfort wrap them in this metaphorical blanket.

No noise, no thoughts riddled with anxiety. Just them.

"That story you told me," Ben still has some train of thought in this moment, now moving his fingers over the back of Callum's hand that lays on his stomach under the water.

"The birds?"

"Yeah," swallowing, Ben looks to the idle candle beside them, watching the flame flicker. "Did you believe in it?"

Callum lifts his head, somewhat confused. He's too content to form some sort of thought, "What way?"

Ben shrugs, trying to push the thought aside because it sounds almost childish in his head. But then he remembers this is Callum, the guy who said there's no need to run when he's right there, listening and waiting to love every part of him.

The mental and physical sides of love can easily blend. This is no different, talking openly, wanting to talk.

"Did you think you'd find it one day? That it'd come true?"

Callum smiles against the back of his head, "I kinda' did. I found you, didn't I?"

"I've got some broken wings alright," Ben laughs, but it's hollow. They still feel broken, and they'll probably still be broken in his mortal forever.

"I've got some, too," Callum closes his eyes. "I think we all do, it's just accepting if you do or not."

"Yeah," Ben can see it, how people choose to spend their time on the ground, how they deal with it. "But what about the other part?"

"What part?"

"Travelling the world part," Ben swallows. This is his gateway to ask. "Do you see yourself doing that?"

Callum opens his eyes slowly, watching as Ben's hand stops on Callum's arm, waiting for an answer.

"I think I would. A few months ago I never thought about it. But I'm— who I am now, and I can see the world how it's meant to be. I didn't want to go travelling and see the world when I barely know who I am in it," he holds his head up high, looking at the tiles. "Maybe in a year or two I'd like to go."

Ben's heart breaks listening to him, how Callum felt so apart from the world, lost in something there's no escape from.

"What about now?"

"Now?" questions Callum.

"If you could leave now, travel to wherever you wanted just for a few months. The road and nothing else," Ben is speaking for himself, too.

"With you?" 

Ben smiles, connecting one of their hands and bringing it to his lips, "Me and you."

Callum gets this flutter in his chest. Of course he'd want to go, but it's a big ask if his work can't give him the time off. Saying that, he hasn't had a huge chunk of time off in the years he's worked there, so maybe, just maybe, he'll be able to do it.

Or, he can find something else. Build something with Ben.

"Can we?" Callum closes his eyes, already thinking about it. It'd be nice to just have fun and enjoy life for a moment, even if it's just for a blink of it.

"Yeah," Ben tips his head back so Callum can see his smile. "The car's ready."

"The car?"

"Your car," Ben sits up, turning slightly so he can see him. "I finished it."

Callum doesn't know what to say. He hasn't seen it since the last time he was in that garage, and that last time was when they were fighting, nowhere near where they are now.

"Can I see it?" 

"I won't have it back until Wednesday," Ben smoothes a hand down his leg, the water moving with him. "It's getting a fresh coat of paint, but it's ready to go when it's back home."

"I can't believe you finished it," Callum sits up too, placing a hand on Ben's shoulder. "It feels like years since we first met."

"I know," he smiles. "Feels like the car is a testimony to what we are now."

"Less broken?" Callum smiles as Ben drops his head, chuckling to himself quietly. It's only when the minutes drag on does Ben turn back.

"Yeah," he says, closing his eyes as Callum frames one side of his face. "Something like that."

\- - -

_WEDNESDAY_

"Hey," Callum nudges Ben's foot, noticing him jump at the action.

Ben grips the bottom of the car, pushing against it so he rolls out from under the car with the board he's laying on. He looks up to Callum, a little caught in headlights as he sits up.

He grasps for the fabric over the hood, pulling it down over the front so Callum can't see, speaking as he does so to draw attention away.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, using the car as leverage to stand up, admiring Callum in his black jacket that he only wears on some occasions. 

"My shift finished early, thought I'd surprise you," he brings one of his hands up, holding a carry case which holds two cold milkshakes. "Look what they added to the menu."

Ben smiles, reaching for one, plucking it from the case to see the restaurant name and logo printed across the side.

"Did you have anything to do with this?" Questions Ben, eyes towards him again.

Callum shrugs, laughing a little, "Maybe."

"But does it taste nice?" 

"You tell me," Callum walks to the side, going to pick at the sheet to reveal the car, but Ben takes his hand almost too casually. They're playing a game.

"You mean I'm meant to test and make sure it's edible?" Ben smoothes his thumb over the back of his knuckles.

"They're actually really nice," he discards the carry tray in a nearby bin, turning so he can lean against the front of the car, hands still joined. "You're the one that started this, so I thought you'd be the judge of me finally getting them on the menu of a five star restaurant."

"You want a medal?" Ben laughs, leaning on the hood beside him as he lifts it up to take a sip from the straw. "But really, why?"

"Don't know," Callum generally doesn't. They wanted new, fun drink ideas to encourage families to attend more often and Callum started talking about his own stories. He talked about Ben and Lexi, nameless of course, and the other chefs started to share their own. "Lucky, I guess. Plus, if we have milkshakes, you'll come visit more often instead of when you're trying to piss me off."

Ben grins at the memory, "Almost had you," he says, and takes a sip afterwards, generally surprised by how nice and sweet it tastes. "Hey, this is good."

"Of course," Callum does this little head wiggle. "It's me."

"Oh, stop it," Ben nudges him. "Stop sounding like me. People will think we're mates or something."

Callum starts laughing, jokes becoming easy between them because of how much history they have. And to be honest, they've always had this, making each other laugh from the very night they met.

"Not much of a mate now, am I?" Callum references one of the first jokes he ever said, and Ben blanks, not catching on until Callum taps the hood.

"You remember that?"

"Yeah? I couldn't stop thinking about it— about you," Callum looks down to the milkshake. "But I don't regret any of it. Jumping in, thinking _what the hell am I doing_ and letting you get your way."

"I have a habit of getting what I want," Ben looks smug as Callum meets his eyes.

"You do, yeah," because just days ago, he did. "Spending a whole day in bed is not how you spend a date."

"Oh, quit complaining," Ben stands up, walking to stand between Callum's legs. "It was… it was nice. Just being with you."

Callum smiles sweetly, knowing when Ben sounds this sincere that he actually means it.

"Won't argue with that one."

Ben winks, placing a sweet kiss to his lips that tastes of strawberry. They finish their milkshakes afterwards, Ben talking about how well Lexi is doing in school.

When Callum deposits his empty cup in the bin, he speaks up.

"You gonna' let me see this car, then?" asks Callum, looking back to the car hidden under a beige sheet.

"Depends if you're gonna' steal it back and I never see you again," teases Ben, but Callum hears a hint of anxiety, the subtle glance back and forth between Callum's eyes and elsewhere.

Callum soothes a hand against his jaw, thumb pressing against the corner of his lips. 

"I wouldn't give this up for anything, Ben," he says, dipping his head to catch Ben's eyes. "Would it be cheesy to say I'm in this with you until we run out of roads?"

Ben rolls his eyes, but his heart flutters all the same, "You do know how to win over a guy that loves cars."

"You only fell in love with me because of that? This thing?" Callum taps the hood.

"No," Ben leans a little forward, sinking his hands into pockets at the back of Callum's jeans. "How long have you got?"

"You got a list?" says Callum, keeping their noses a whispers distance away.

"I got a lifetime of reasons why, Callum. I'm not even gonna' find some of them until a few years time, and I'm — I'm hoping we have that. I— want that," Ben looks down to his lips, settling in the silence while Callum looks borderline stunned.

"Sure that ain't a marriage proposal?" Callum smiles, Ben clicking his tongue.

"Shut up," replies Ben, snappy, because he can't let Callum see the smile on his lips. He kisses him, knocking Callum's head back until he pushes back equally.

They kiss like stars, burning, bright in the system they revolve in. Callum breaks away for a moment, noses brushing, breathing the same air he does before kissing him again, slower this time.

"Let's show you this car, yeah?" Ben says, brushing their noses gently again. 

Callum nods, slowly breaking from each other, hands lingering with the smallest touch before going cold.

"I'll roll her out," Ben says, opening the door for a second, the sheet going with it.

Callum steps back, and keeps walking backwards until there's significant space for the car to sit.

There's a click, and then Ben's head appears from below the sheet. He pushes against the steering wheel to get the wheels to roll, and the car gently thumps against the gravel, out into the sun.

When it arrives at the space, the click sounds again. The parking brake keeps it in place, allowing Ben to step out and wear the pride smile he's deserving of wearing.

"You ready?"

"A lot of suspense," jokes Callum, and Ben winks at him.

"You pull the sheet back," Ben nudges his hand beside him.

Callum points to himself, "Me?"

"Yeah. It's your car."

They stand looking at each other, until Ben nods towards the car with his head, as if to say _go on._

Callum walks a few steps forward, nervous for no reason at all other than feeling like this is the start of something new. It's a token of Ben and Callum, in a way.

Callum found Ben, equally broken, equally waiting for that restart to feel themselves, to _be_ themselves.

He grips the sheet, looking to Ben for a small second before pulling it back, slowly bundling the sheet in both of his hands as red paint reveals itself under the glowing sun.

It's been completely polished, a ruby red from bumper to tail, silver frames that decorate the edges from it's born era shining like it's from the shop floor. Clean rims, refurbished interior. A dream on wheels, and it's Callum's.

A phoenix reborn, from ashes to brilliance.

Just like them.

"Ben, I—" Callum is speechless, dropping the fabric as his eyes follow the two white stripes following the length of the car. "What do I say to this?"

Ben stays quiet as Callum walks to the back, hand moving along the side until it breaks contact at the end. There's a little spoiler installed, barely coming off the back in height, but there nonetheless. 

"You wanna' take it for a drive?" asks Ben, holding up the keys as Callum looks back to him.

"Can I?"

Ben laughs, walking over to him, and Ben just expects to hand them over, but Callum's lips are on his, soft but burning. A thanks spoken through action and not words. They were brought together because of this car, and now it reflects their journey to this very point, ready for the road again.

"Ben, it's gorgeous— it's incredible," he looks back to the car, smiling bright, amazed at how far it's come from rust and barely being held together. "How did you do this?"

Ben shrugs, "That's a story for another time," he kisses him once more before offering the keys into the palm of his hand. "Here. She's yours."

Callum grips the keys, a shine in his eye that won't fall, body warm in the afternoon sun. He gives Ben a beaming smile before walking to the driver's side, Ben jumping into the passenger seat after locking the garage.

Even the dashboard has been freshly installed, clean dials and working instruments. It even has the original steering wheel, thin and large, the emblem of the car sat in the middle like a medal of honour, and it should be.

Ben has fully restored it to its former glory, and not even just cosmetically.

Callum twists the key in the ignition, and the engine roars with a throaty sound similar to Ben's lost car. It's definitely the ancestor, because it sounds almost the same, if not more aggressive than before.

"Is this—"

"The original engine," nods Ben. "Was hard to find some of the parts that needed fixing, but I managed. And, well, some extras in there too."

Callum pushes the pedal, feeling the power shake the chassy, Ben laughing because he's only fired it up a few times to see if it works.

"God, that sound," Callum does it again, and the smiles on their faces are so free and full of laughter that Callum can't help himself.

He puts the car in drive and it sets off like a bear clawing against the floor, gravel kicking up from the tyres spinning and _spinning_ until it launches and the growls become longer, higher in pitch as Callum turns a corner and opens up along the straight.

Ben cheers and drums the dashboard, Callum laughing as they fly down the road of the countryside, birds scattering from trees as the red paint soars past.

It's a nice drive, not completely smooth but it has character, snappy on the corners and grippy on straight lines. Callum knows it's the same car, but it has new life, new roads to see.

Callum knows where to take it, slowing down when they reach more busy roads, climbing hills with ease.

"How does it feel?" asks Ben, leaning over to look at the instruments.

"How does it _feel?_ Are you sure this is still _my car?"_

Ben places his head against his shoulder, smiling, "Yeah. It is."

"It's amazing, Ben," Callum gains his attention again, switching between the blue of Ben's eyes and the road. "You're— amazing."

Warmth floods Ben's chest, smiling with something so innocent in his eyes. Callum drops a quick kiss to his cheek as he shifts gear, Ben returning to his seat and winding down the window as they cruise.

"Not so bad yourself," Ben replies, looking to Callum as he sees the smile on his face from the side.

He could get used to this view, Callum driving, taking them places to make more memories no album has room to hold.

Roads shrink to dirt, and the car doesn't struggle at all, Ben already sure as to where Callum is taking them.

Ben's spot, which is more _theirs,_ now. They've spent important chapter beginning here, and now it feels like a closing sector as Callum parks up near the tree.

Callum gets out without saying a word, closing the door and glancing to Ben as he does the same. The car looks at home, even if it's bright red and shining under the sun. 

"I really don't know what to say, Ben," Callum takes a few steps back to take it all in again. Ben stands at the front, hands in his pockets, smiling with his head tilted as Callum holds his hands against his face.

"You don't need to say anything," Ben turns to look at the car himself, moving one hand to brush against the white stripes. One stripe for Callum, one for Ben.

Callum notices, laughing as he walks over, "It didn't have racing stripes before."

Ben winks, "Makes it go faster."

"I believe you," Callum nudges his side, making room for himself so they can both push themselves up and sit down. Ben sits beside him, on opposite sides of the stripes.

It's a breather. Silence compared to the engine that roars beneath the metal they're sitting on.

But now they're in this peace, shadows weigh heavy on Ben's mind. Working on Callum's car in the middle of them falling apart and finishing it as they came back together reminds him a lot of why he even managed to meet Callum.

If he didn't take the steps he did, he wouldn't be here now, and he shouldn't have to sit alone with them in fear that one day they'll burst and burn more than help.

"I've been thinking," starts Ben, and Callum laughs beside him.

"Dangerous."

"Ah, shut it," he nudges Callum with his elbow, but it's not without smiles.

"What is it, then?" Callum crosses his arms as he leans on his knees, looking out to the horizon with a sigh. It reminds him they haven't been to any of those events since Ben's encounter with Danny's dogs.

There's a beat of silence, uncertainty, like Ben is admitting to something he didn't think he ever would.

"Racing— I don't think I'm gonna' do it anymore," Ben speaks on an exhale, sounding strangled. "It's not as it used to be."

Callum turns his head to him, watching him sit back, hands on the hood of the car. He doesn't really have anything to add, but he can see how Ben's lip wobbles, parting to say something that's taking some time.

"I did it to escape, to run from something I didn't even know I was afraid of," Ben looks up to the horizon. "I thought that would be my life, spending every day like it's the night, wanting to forget something I never can."

"You don't have to stop entirely," Callum replies, watching as Ben's face falls almost too quickly.

"The night I met you," Ben brings his hands forward, pushing them against his face, trying to somehow pull the ache away like a layer of his skin. "I made a dumb mistake. I — I wanted out. I was reckless, got caught on purpose. I just wanted to feel something because I was so fucking _numb."_

Callum never knew what he was doing the night they met, why Ben was in trouble, why he had the cold fire in his eyes when he snatched the keys from his hand.

"I tried to get Danny. Get him back for what he did, but I fucked up. I played into his game, and I did it again the other night," Ben wipes the eye Callum can't see. "I spent so much time chasing after him, trying to do something but I realise now there's nothing at the end of it — nothing but this _empty_ feeling I have knowing I wasted so much time."

Callum wants to reach for his hand, but they're being held away from him. Ben knows if Callum comforts him, he'll break and never finish what he's wanted to say for a few days, possibly weeks.

"I was chasing after something I didn't even want. I — don't wanna' be that person, I don't wanna' do the same thing over and over again until it's the only thing I know. That's my Dad, the same words, the same shit all the time so he's this guy everyone fears. I know I'll always be some part of that, but I know I can be something so much more now," Ben turns to him, Callum looking to the tear that falls down his cheek. "I wanna' be me, who I am with _you,_ the Dad that Lexi looks up to. I wanna' be a good brother for Jay, to support Lola, to — to _love_ you."

Callum feels the tug on his heart string, and this is when Callum reaches for him, perfectly slotting together, hands fitting together like some sort of sign all along.

"It was never just about cars. It was about me, running away with the first love of my life because home didn't feel like home. We had freedom — _I_ had freedom, deciding where we would go. A car can get you anywhere, it's freedom I didn't have as a kid," Ben pats the hood. "It was adrenaline, doing something because I didn't feel anything else."

Callum knows he has no ground to speak on, so he doesn't, allowing Ben to open up about something that's been pulling on his bones for what sounds like years.

"And it became everything. I breathed for it, met strangers for the fun of it and I don't even remember half of them. I didn't ask for their name, never did, and they never asked for mine — and it hurt to know I was a nobody to them as they were to me. I got used to it, found the space in my mind where I could just switch off and not think," Ben looks down, ashamed, but Callun still holds his hand like an anchor. "I thought I could do the same with you, but I swear Callum. I swear I'm not that guy anymore."

Callum squeezes his hand, "I know, Ben. I know."

Ben worked for Danny, did work for him and his crew, and the way it turned him and twisted him made him lose people he loved. When he left, he didn't do anything but stay low, until that one night when he wanted to show Danny he was better than all of them.

Danny played him. Almost got him.

But Callum, unsuspecting, sweet Callum was there to take the pain for him.

"You were this guy I couldn't get out of my head. We became mates before I could stop it and when I told you to chase your own happiness I stood there and thought — _why can't I do that?"_

Callum kept Danny out of his head, something else to focus on, a game he could play and have fun with. Ben had no idea he can't play games with fate.

"Turns out I didn't know what that was. I didn't even know where to fucking start looking, and then _you—_ you showed me so much of it I started to get scared it was all some trick I kept believing in."

"I'm sorry," Callum turns his body a little more, holding Ben's hands with both of his. "I wish that never happened to you, all that pain."

Ben shakes his head, sniffing as he wipes a tear from his cheek, "Don't apologise. I'm just broken, ain't I?"

Callum feels like he's swallowing glass. Ben's feet don't even touch the floor, and the image in front of him mirrors a memory of Ben sitting on his childhood bed, crying because of something his Dad said. 

He's always been strong, but he breaks just as much.

"Just because something is broken doesn't mean it can't be beautiful."

Ben scoffs, shaking his head, "I don't believe that," he says, trying to focus more on the view rather than how his hand joined to Callum's burns — he knows those words are for him, and having someone admit it's not all about perfecting flaws but accepting them is something so rare he feels he's tricked himself into hearing it.

"I know you don't," and Callum lets go, and Ben is about to apologise, to say it's just _Ben being Ben_ but his mouth falls open and stays open when Callum brings out a small, black box.

It fits in his palm, and Ben suddenly feels as if someone's thrown cold water over him. They mentioned marriage the other day, and they agreed it's for the future, but not _now._ Definitely _not now._

Ben panics, because what the hell does he say? How does he say no to something he'll have in the future regardless? Why wait? Why be so nervous about it?

He's forced to say _something_ or he'll end up running away.

"Oh, Callum— I don't know about—"

But the box opens, and Callum isn't on one knee saying a bunch of poetic lines. It's just him, offering a gift merely because he wants to, having a meaning that only they will understand.

"It's a promise ring," Callum moves the box a little closer to Ben as he holds it, and Ben can see that it's not just a simple band. 

If anything, it looks marbled with colours of black and midnight, hints of silver like veins as if lightning struck it keeping the whole thing together. And even then, it's in a silver, thin chain, cold to the touch as Ben picks it up, slow in his movements.

"It's made from scraps of this car," Callum taps the hood. "I think I wanted to keep something during when times were good between us. You're right in saying this car brought us together, but it didn't _keep_ us together. That was us."

Callum smiles as Ben looks up to him, curling his fingers around the ring as the chain swings.

"You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to," Callum brings out his own promise ring from his pocket, showing it to Ben. "We talked so much about marriage I thought we could do something a bit more lowkey, until we're both ready."

"Why is mine on a chain?" Ben asks, partly curious, but also not caring because the metal cools the warmth of his hand.

Callum goes red, "Just, stylistic choice I guess."

Ben laughs, another tear falling, but it's not from pain this time. "Tell me, Callum."

He still doesn't look back, but he knows Ben wants to reason why when Ben stays silent. 

When he does turn back, Callum smiles, a small whisper of tears in his eyes as he stands up, "Let me help you put it on first."

Ben nods, dropping his feet to the floor and offering the ring back to Callum. Callum takes it, opening the little lock and opening his arms over his head so the ring clicks against the zip of his jacket.

He reaches his hand up to touch it, taking a deep breath when his ears pick up the small click of the lock again. 

A promise sealed.

"Close to your heart," whispers Callum. "Always."

_No matter what road we follow, it's a promise to always come back to each other._

Ben grips the ring in his fist as he bites his bottom lip. _God. He's so in love with this man._

He turns, bottom lip wobbling as he watches Callum place his own identical one on his forefinger. Ben would ask why he doesn't have a chain, but he's given his answer when Callum holds his face with both hands, the ring cold against Ben's cheek.

Touch. His love language.

"I wanna' go with you, explore the world one road at a time," Callum kisses his forehead, the golden sun beside them so warm. "If you want that too."

"Yeah," Ben nods, fringe messy as he pulls back to see Callum's face again. "There's nothing I want more."

Ben falls into him, hugging tight, breaking apart in a way that sheds the concrete still on his skin.

He's been promised love, forever and always.

\- - -

_FRIDAY_

Since their announcement of the trip they're planning, Kathy, Jay and Lola all plan a small get-together at the beach not far from their hometown.

This time it'll go smoothly, considering there's no secrets this time, truth out in the open. So, they pack their cars and take a small, two hour drive to the coast and set up just as the afternoon sun starts to blush the sky.

Callum travels down with Ben, and Callum feels peaceful just looking over and seeing him, smile on his face, elbow out the window as he drives with one hand and taps the hood to some classic records with the other.

Ben looks over when he realises he's being watched, and Ben can't help the smile that creeps onto his face, checking between Callum and the road ahead.

"Not planning to distract the driver are you?" Ben sends a smug smile his way.

"Nah. Was just thinking about what's going to happen," they're in Callum's car, blue parked up back at Ben's house for when they need her again. "We were so apart, but now it's like we can't spend a minute without being together."

"That sick of me already?"

"It's nice having someone that wants to spend so much time with you," Callum says, and as Ben turns a corner, it gives him time to think.

"What did Chantelle and Whitney say?"

"That they'd meet us halfway, somewhere sunny. Lola said she'd like to go out and meet us too with Lexi," Callum has such a smile on his face as he talks, looking forward to it all.

"Sounds good to me," Ben turns to the open window, hand open to the wind.

When they arrive, there's cheers for the new car, and Ben gives them a show with a few revs.

Kathy kisses Callum's cheek and welcomes him home, Peter and Jay talking in sync like _lads on tour!_ or something as they raise a glass to him. Lexi is excited, but sad at the same time because they'll be taking Pip with them.

A campfire is set up, beach chairs, an old radio box shoved into the cold and playing some music from ten years back.

It's an hour into the meetup when Ben excuses himself to have a bit of breathing room, almost reflective. Lola joins him a minute later.

"Careful," Lola nudges him from where they're standing in the small waves. Ben doesn't take his eyes off Callum, still smiling. "You're starting to look like you're in love."

Ben drops his head, then lifts it as he sniffs, the back of his wrist brushing against his jaw.

"I am," Ben admits, and he can't even laugh at the way Lola pauses. It's true. There's no denying it, so why would he? There's no pride to keep alive here, and even if there was, the only pride he has is that he openly loves a man that he's more than happy to spend his life with.

"I can't believe you just said that," Lola has a smile on her face, looking back to Callum herself as he's helping Lexi push a marshmallow onto a stick. 

Their cars sit all around, a forest as the backdrop once the sand stops, a BBQ smoking as it cools down from cooking an array of food. It's not really a restart, more of a replay, because even though the holiday didn't go to plan, the family elements were more than okay.

"Neither can I," Ben adjusts himself slightly, sinking his toes into the sand as he walks slowly.

"Have you both said it?"

"Yeah, we have," Ben smiles wider at that, chuckling to himself. "It doesn't feel real."

"What don't?"

"Me and him," Ben gestures his beer towards Callum, now helping Jay do his because it's not working the way he wants to. "He's — this guy that everyone loves. He could've had anyone and I think about that almost every day. Why me?" 

"Have you asked him?" Lola takes a sip of her drink.

"In some way. He always comes out with some romantic shit I can't decipher. But I also — I wanna' hear it. To prove myself wrong."

"To prove _him_ wrong," Lola adds, and Ben knows she means his Dad. "That too?"

Ben thinks about it, even looks away so Callum's smile isn't so blinding.

"No, I don't think it's that," Ben starts, and he turns to Lola, looking past her for a moment before meeting her eyes. "Just me. I've learned to be just me. That's always been me, thinking I ain't — _worth time,_ worth someone else."

"Did Callum help you with that?" Lola's asking a lot of questions, but Ben isn't brushing them off or turning them into jokes. He needs this.

"In some ways. I think he just made it easier for me to talk about it, to _start_ thinking about it," Ben turns back to Callum, laughing when he tries to stop Pip stealing some marshmallows from the bag. He hears his mother laughing, too. "On my own I didn't think about it. I shut off everything and just did what I wanted to do. With Callum, it wasn't that easy. I was confused and angry half the time because it wasn't the same with him and I couldn't figure out why."

Lola's happy. Hearing her best mate, her daughter's father speak so openly about his feelings, to admit them and acknowledge that he's getting better — the Ben she knew a year ago would be laughing at this current Ben.

"With him I started to think about what I say, what I do — why I can't stop thinking about him. I know now that it was just — I felt _good_ with him. I felt happy and I didn't even know I could be, like it was meant to be this way and I became someone else because I hadn't met him yet."

"Don't tell me you're really saying that," Lola laughs, and Ben nudges her.

Yeah. He's talking about soulmates. Fate.

"I'm not," he replies, taking a deep breath. "Okay, maybe I am. But it's really fucking hard trying to explain what he means to me."

"I don't think you ever will," Lola smiles as Ben meets her eyes. He thinks it's a joke, but the way she takes his hand and squeezes it tells Ben it's nothing of the sort. "That only matters between you two, because only the two of you will ever know that feeling."

Ben takes a moment, but he pulls Lola slowly into a hug, closing his eyes as he rests his head on her shoulder.

"I'm happy for you, Ben," she says, rubbing a hand gently down his back. "You can slow down, now."

Lola knows why he races, why he still does it, and why he doesn't have to anymore. There's nothing to find, nothing to chase after when it's right there.

"Thank you," he says, hugging a little tighter. "For not giving up on me."

She pulls back, a teasing smirk on her face.

"You're still a nightmare," and Ben laughs, kissing her cheek. 

"I know," he says, standing back against the wall with her again.

"I was never going to give up on you," she says. "I know the real you from Lexi. That's one part of you, and Callum helped find the other."

"I'd make a joke but I don't wanna' ruin the moment," he chuckles low, and Lola smacks his arm.

"Shut it."

"Sorry."

"You didn't love yourself," Lola finally says, Ben going blank beside her. "He helped you find that."

"Yeah," Ben sighs as he looks to Callum again, and he's not sure why, but he steps away from the waves, walking back towards the small camp and never taking his eyes away. His fingers play with the ring held on the chain around his neck, more of a comfort thing than anything else. "It's just him. He found it."

Ben used to shove feelings down, only following temptation when it was purely just that. Now, Ben grips whatever he feels, goes through the waves of it, and _lives_ it.

Callum looks at him when he's at his feet, Ben finally there, hands coming to rest at Ben's waist.

"You alright?" he asks, slight concern in his eyes because Ben isn't saying anything.

But Ben leans down to kiss him, and Callum's worry dissipates with every second they move their lips together.

Peter and Jay both cheer, Kathy watching her son smile as he pulls away. And Lola, back at the waves, finishes his sentence for him.

"You did. You both found it in each other."

\- - -

_THE SAME DAY_

They agreed to sleep separately like they're getting married or something. It was Ben's idea, much to Callum's surprise, because Callum is the one that can't stop clinging to Ben on the way back home from the meal.

Both needing to pack for the trip, Ben becomes focused, two suitcases and an extra for snacks and some supplies for the road. Callum, however, is so unbearably happy and excited and _nervous_ about spending the next few months or so with Ben in total bliss that he can't focus on anything.

They end up talking and kissing and doing _the complete opposite_ to what they're meant to be doing. Talking more about the holiday than actually getting ready for it feels horrible when it's almost six and they've only packed Callum's clothes.

"Callum," Ben warns, feelings his hands folding around him, the ring cold but never painful, Callum kissing at the back of his neck. "We _really need to pack."_

"Yeah," he says, "You are."

Ben scoffs, shaking his head before turning around.

"What have I done to you?" Ben questions quietly, hands coming up to hold Callum's neck. Callum just tilts his head like a puppy, eyes all dreamy.

"Made me happy," Callum says, soothing his hand through Ben's fringe, then coming to rest on his waist again, thumb moving under his shirt. 

"You're meant to say a horrible influence."

"I was meant to do a lot of things when it came to you, but I didn't," Callum shrugs. "I never reported you, never forgot about you, never said what I was going to do so I would go back to my life."

Ben moves his head back, focusing on Callum's eyes. They seem a little sad, now, almost regret for not knowing he could be like this with Ben from the moment they met.

"Good thing you didn't," Ben brushes his thumb along his jaw. Callum looks at him as if to say _you didn't give me a choice._ "Alright, I know."

"You know," Ben would joke and say he doesn't, but Callum is taking his time to say this. "I remember you driving away that first night, and I wanted to run after you, to — run away as well. I just wanted to forget it ever happened."

"Run away with me, or run back home?"

"It wasn't home — and I don't know if it was to run away with you or go back. I kinda' just wanted to sit in the dirt and cry because when I first looked at you, I saw so much fear."

Ben's hands fall to his chest, still listening.

"I don't know why, but I saw myself in you, trying to be someone else, trying to outrun it, but it was different for me because you could and I couldn't," Callum licks his lips, mouth going dry. "Maybe that's why I tried so hard to get close to you, to learn how you shut everything out because I couldn't."

Callum brings his eyes up now, falling on Ben's, smiling, or trying to as he remembers something that still feels painful. He tried so hard, so much, and Ben was still like a cube of concrete on his heart. Blank faces, dusty surface, hard to pick up and comprehend.

"I'm sorry," Ben says, almost whispering onto Callum's lips they're so close. 

"No. Don't be," Callum smiles again, another brief one. "Because you did teach me how to learn one thing, and if anything, I wouldn't change that."

Ben would ask what it is, but the rain outside their window transports Ben back to the beach, the grey clouds, his soaked coat and Callum's words thundering between them. 

_I'm sorry I wasn't the one that taught you how to love._

They don't finish packing until eight at night. Callum has excuses, so does Ben, and the breathless way in which Ben's hands scorch his skin with promises means they don't have to tell anyone why. The cold of their promise rings is a kick every single time, making them remember why they promised each other in the first place.

Ben has spent more than enough time chasing adrenaline in the form of numbers on a dash, but this is another type of escape all together.

Life slows down with Callum, and he can breathe, chest rising and falling without strain for the first time in years, probably forever.

Callum mumbles against the pillow, realising they can't really start what they planned when they should already be halfway to their first destination by now, only just having zipped up the last suitcase.

"I blame you for this."

Ben laughs, hand behind his head as he looks across to Callum. "You started it."

"And you kept going," Callum yawns, curling up, and Ben doesn't know if he should cry or laugh at the sight of Callum curling around him, shirt loose on his shoulders.

"Oh, so that's my fault, is it?" He says, no heat in his voice whatsoever as he threads his fingers through Callum's hair. "I thought it was nice."

_"Nice?"_

"My vocabulary doesn't include flattery," he grumbles, but Callum smiles against his chest because what a terrible goddamn _lie._

"Sure," Callum replies. "What about you saying you love me five minutes ago?"

"I said that?"

"Mmhm," Callum brings his head up, leaning his head on his hand now, elbow placed near Ben's ribs. Callum pokes his forefinger against Ben's chain, his ring with it. "Forgot that too?"

"Well, it's not my fault," Ben shrugs, leaning up himself as their smiles become sickly sweet. Ben can't help but laugh, either, when Callum's turns into a grin because he knows him so well. "Think I'll say it again."

"You think?"

"I don't think," Ben kisses him, barely there, soft and innocent and promises of everything and more. Callum feels tingles, almost weightless in how gentle he is. "I know."

Callum starts to blush, and it's endearing, because even after everything they've done he still gets embarrassed.

"I really can't explain how happy you make me," Callum says, thumb moving his promise ring around his finger.

"I think it'd be boring if you could, like word for word," says Ben, not really knowing how to explain it. "Like, why would we need to, you know? Why would we explain it when we can just — _have it,_ all the time, whenever we want."

Callum smiles as Ben strokes his thumb over his cheek. He really didn't think the Ben that had so much frozen agony on his face the first time they met would be so warm and comforting now.

"I love you," Callum whispers, partly broken because he can feel his heart in his throat, love blooming to the point where his chest feels full and warm.

Ben brushes his thumb over his cheek again, and for once, he notices how easy it is to say it, how there's no resistance in his chest, no pushing.

Ben broke the wall himself, punched through it, and it's the same on the other side. The wall was there to stop false hope, to stop him dreaming, but Callum pulls him through and Ben finally exhales.

"I love you, too," Ben kisses him, taking his hand and pulling him closer. _"Love you—"_ he tries to say, but Callum is over him, kisses warm and cool at the same time until Ben turns them over, laughing. Ben's promise ring falls to Callum's chest, cold and tingling.

_Close to your heart._

"At least we managed to pack before the sun went down," Callum laughs, overwhelmingly happy but in a good way as he feels Ben smiling against his shoulder.

"Yeah. Wonder whose fault that is," Ben gasps as Callum pinches his side, and they both burst into laughter when they realise neither of them want to leave.

"Five more minutes," Callum says as they surrender to soft touches, soft holds under warm sheets. If they're driving tomorrow, they need it. "Then I'll cook us something. We can leave tomorrow, at some point?"

"Yeah, but I think I'll steal a few more minutes with you after those," Ben whispers, eyes falling closed as Callum starts falling asleep.

"A lifetime, maybe."

Ben smiles. Callum feels the exhale he does, relief. He's found it, _love._

"Yeah," Ben says, gentle. "We will."

Of course the holiday they plan doesn't _go_ to plan. They don't feel guilty, not when Callum's skin tingles and Ben's kisses are soft against his shoulder. 

They're not perfect. And it's the most real, most vibrant and glorious thing because it's _them._

No one else can have that. 

\- - -

_THE NEXT DAY_

"What did you pack? Bricks?" Callum complains as he lifts a bag into the boot of the car, laughing when Ben looks borderline offended.

"It's tools for the car," he says, walking round to Callum as he clicks the boot shut, afternoon sun warm and almost cinematic.

"Should I expect us to break down two hours in?" asks Callum, eyes never leaving Ben as he meets him a second later round the back of the car. Ben just clicks his tongue to the roof of his mouth, picking at the collar of his white shirt before standing next to him, promise ring hanging against his chest.

He lifts his hands, placing them against Callum's chest.

"No," Ben says, picking at the fabric of his plaid, open shirt, white cotton shirt underneath. "It's just precaution, and besides, you tested it the other day."

Callum hums, tilting his head, "True."

"Is everything in there?" Ben looks down to the boot, placing his hand over one of the stripes. The metal feels cool.

"Yeah," he says with a smile, kissing Ben when he turns his head back towards him. "Ready to go."

The keys suddenly feel ten times heavier than they are, Ben moving them around in his palm with his thumb. Ben stares at him, almost lost for a moment, Callum kissing him again, just once, softly.

"You okay?" he asks, and Ben closes his eyes as Callum moves to hold his head.

"Just — nervous. Feels like the end and a beginning at the same time."

Callum nods. He understands.

"We'll come back," he shrugs, and then starts smirking when he realises they already promised they'd be leaving on holiday yesterday. They don't really make promises to anything, really. Fate does everything for them. "Eventually."

"Eventually," Ben laughs.

"Come on," Callum says, leaving Ben against the back of the car sulking because he didn't get one more kiss. "We'll beat rush hour."

"That's what night is for, Callum," he says, looking at Callum as he holds open the passenger door. "Open roads."

"Yeah," he says, shrugging. "We'll find our own."

Ben walks towards him, suddenly confused as to why he's holding the door for him. "What are you waiting for, then?"

Callum ponders for a moment, then holds his hand out to take the keys from Ben.

"I think I'll drive this time," Callum says, relaxed as he leans against the door.

"What?"

"Last time you drove this car, you took me halfway across town and left me in a field to be picked up by a taxi driver that thought I'd been dumped," and just telling that story has Ben hiding his smile, or trying to. "So, I think I'll drive us off into the sunset this time."

"It was night, at three in the morning," Ben can't help his chuckle now. "Did he really think you got dumped?"

"Well, technically you did dump me there," Callum shrugs, patting the top of the door because they _really_ should get moving. "You drove into that horizon and never came back."

Ben's face falls, a prickle of something in his chest that starts to spread, cold. It's realising what he felt for Callum was always there, permanent, constant, even if he didn't know what it was when he couldn't part with the car that very night.

He remembers it, turning his shoulder when he parked it up in their crew's garage. It looked — _sad,_ lost, a little broken. Ben almost saw himself. 

And he did. He saw himself in Callum, too, felt the rush when their skin brushed as he stole his keys. It was an enigma, a piece of time and a night he couldn't forget every time he looked at the car.

Callum was never just another. He was an always — from the _beginning._

"I did," he says, and Callum looks back to Ben at his voice. "I did come back."

Ben watches the smile grow on Callum's face, then the way he drops his head, shaking it, a smile on his face that shines like the sun itself. He's glowing, _happy, himself —_ he's not the man he met that first night, scared and tired of the world.

He takes the wheel and drives. He goes where the road takes him, just as Ben did, but it's not a lone game anymore, a rush at three in the morning just to feel something.

They do it together, hand in hand, as if it was always meant to be this way. In some ways, the night was their escape, and the day was just fake torches held to some sort of truth. Now, they beat time itself, race faster than the clock that ticks until it's just them and wherever they want to go.

Whether it's the past, the present, the scary and inescapable future, Ben knows it's not something he can change or _would_ change. He has his hand on the wheel and he won't turn back, because Callum's right there, beside him.

"I think I always will," he says, Ben shrugging like it's the easiest thing he's ever said. It is, because if anything, Ben has always felt emotions twice as much as anyone else because he was starved of them, crushed to only be one way or another.

Callum's pulled the weeds, allowed the sun to shine through, and now he can feel until the world stops spinning. 

"What if my car wasn't a classic? You wouldn't have kept it."

Ben walks towards him, hands coming to rest on the frame at the top near his, then raising one hand to hold his cheek.

"Wouldn't have mattered. I didn't keep the car because of what it was," Ben bumps their foreheads together, placing one of his hands over Callum's and feeling the natural order of things take place. Callum always intertwines their fingers. Always.

"What for, then?"

"Because it was yours, and it — it was you I couldn't forget. I came back for you, to give you a car so you'd stay because no one ever does. Then I — I fell for you, didn't I?" he laughs at himself like he can't believe it. "I saw you at your best, your worst, and I was there when you came out with tears in your eyes because it was the first time you could breathe. And I saw me in you, who I could become if I just let the world be a little nice to me. But the world ain't nice, it never has been, but you — you taught me that a world can be someone, something, anything you make it."

Callum doesn't think he's ever heard his own heart shatter before, but it does, ringing in his ears when Ben takes a moment to breathe. But it's not a painful shatter, because it's the uncertainty of not believing in a forever that breaks.

He does believe in it now, because Ben speaks like they're forever when he's spoken so closed and broken for so long. Callum used to get muffled agreements, gasped admirations, but now he gets — _simplicity._ The simple, warming, grounding foundations of loving someone with everything you have.

"Us against the world," Callum replies, whispered so delicately, afraid to break the moment or leap too far.

But Ben leaps with him, placing the keys in Callum's hand, and it's the same feeling as that first night. The rush, the ache of belonging, but the relief in knowing you've found it.

Callum takes a deep breath, doing as he always does, folding his hand around Ben's, the keys of the car between their palms as if it was their hearts.

"Us against the world," Ben repeats, tilting his chin forward to kiss him, the sunlight framing their faces until nothing but a shadow, an eclipse as they kiss.

A phenomenon, something so rare. They're all of that and more.

When they break, Ben's hand is still on his jaw, thumb pressing with just enough pressure to keep Callum there.

"Let's go," Ben says, kissing him softly once more, then for a minute because Callum's hands fold around his neck like waves across a beach, reaching up and then back again. 

"Yeah," Callum exhales, lingering near before Ben sinks into the passenger seat, eyes not leaving each other as he smiles.

Callum taps the door twice before shutting it, walking around the front to open the door to the driver's side. He slips in, another exhale breaching his lips after he shuts his door. 

They're doing this. Time is theirs. The road is theirs.

Ben looks over, suddenly excited and nervous at the same time. Callum has the same question.

"Do we even know where we're going?" Callum turns his head, shrugging at Ben because he doesn't really care, as long as it's with Ben.

Some part of him wants to ask, though.

"Doesn't matter," Ben replies, reaching for Callum's hand, squeezing when they fit together perfectly over Callum's thigh. "We always know our way back home."

The silence of their eyes speak a thousand words. Or, they speak just three, over and over again.

_You're my home._

_I love you._

Callum leans over to kiss him, strong and sure, more sure than anything in his life that he loves Ben. 

The engine roars to life with a throaty grumble as he turns the key, and Callum laughs as his grin splits his lips, Ben laughing too as he rolls down the window. 

"Let's go, sunshine," says Ben, elbow out the window, hand on the roof as the sun shines off the clean, new coat of red paint. "We got places to be." 

Callum remembers that's not exactly what he said before, the night Ben left him in the field. It feels like they've come full circle, as they should be without the pain they carried at the start.

He kicks the car into first gear knowing that every second from now on will be together. If that's behind closed doors where the world can't see, or having picnics with family and friends, or sitting on park benches and hoping Pip doesn't ruin another coat— it doesn't matter.

Even if it's just behind the wheel, they're infinite, beyond, as free as the leaves that kick up as the car roars down country lanes to wherever the roads take them.

No matter where they need to be, or where life will take them, they'll always have each other, the horizon, and the want to love like no other.

As the car fades into the orange of the horizon, Callum with one hand out the window to feel the breeze, Pip with her head out of the window — this is the ending to their movie, their story, their always.

Tail lights blur, a distant cheer as Ben drums the roof, the breeze on his skin, a world that he feels now accepts him. The haze of the sun blurs the car, gaining distance towards the future that's entirely theirs to weave.

And it doesn't turn back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> speaking from the future here, having now added extra chapters
> 
> you can stop reading the fic here if you decide to, but if you want, their story continues on from here from a little while longer as this chapter was the original ending.
> 
> thank you for reading this far!! means a lot that you would read through all of that garbage to see how their story ends.
> 
> thank you!!


	22. trip of a lifetime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [deletes half of this original note section]
> 
> just 5 extra chapters? i really was lying to myself. welcome to part 2 of 3am rush that i decided to split into an extra fic and decided to delete that two seconds later and keep it here (if you saw that, no you didnt)
> 
> another note, ive been editing this fic, removing typos, cleaning up sentences that read much better now. the only major changes are to chapter 9, 10, 11 and 12 — extra dialogue and extra bits added to scenes. if you've ever wanted to re-read it, nows your chance! im editing ch15 at the time of posting this so the entire fic isnt done, but the main half are done.
> 
> enjoy this extra slice into their life after the main story. 
> 
> thank you for all of the continued support !! ill try update this when i can, hopefully on wednesday's or the weekend depending on when stuff is done.
> 
> enjoy 14k of these guys being in love and probably ooc, cheesy dialogue
> 
> tw / mentions of anxiety, ben breaks down for a small time

_eleutheromania; an intense and irresistible desire for freedom_

_\- - -_

_2 YEARS AGO_

"Ben, what the hell is that?" Jay asks, arms folded across his chest as Ben rolls up in his new project.

It's mean, aggressive, untouchable, everything Ben works to be on four wheels, engine sounding like it's from the depths of hell itself. Matte black from bumper to spoiler, body kit installed and low enough that it almost kisses the floor.

"New beauty," Ben pats the door as his arm hangs out the window. "Got bored of supercars. Something about working this thing up to what it is now feels so much more satisfying when I beat the big boys."

He revs it once more just to prove his point, and Jay rolls his eyes, but he's undeniably excited about the potential either way.

Ben steps out after, red coat on his shoulders with the black lines, greeting Jay as they clap hands, pulling each other into a hug.

"You alright?" asks Jay, feeling when Ben grips him that much tighter.

"Yeah. Just wanna' forget about it. Gotta' make a name for myself now I'm not with my family."

"Well, you're still a Mitchell. You'll still have that reputation," Jay leans against Ben's car, watching as a few people look over towards them, eyeing up the new car on the scene.

"But I'm technically fresh meat to these lot now," Ben looks over his shoulder as the sound of engines spark to life, a race starting near them. "They'll see me as an easy pass."

Jay smiles, clapping his hand on his shoulder.

"Then show 'em," says Jay, gesturing back to his own car. "Prove you belong here, that you wanna' be here."

Ben smirks, giving him a nod as Jay steps aside, allowing Ben to get back in and _feel_ that growl from the engine before he pushes the car forward again. 

Jay knows the thirst for freedom Ben feels, the freedom he now has away from his family, away from Danny and the jobs.

Now, he's a lone wolf, teeth bare and hungry with the power of his car beneath his fingertips, fingers curling tighter around the wheel as he approaches that start line.

The night comes alive, heavy engines, races that take place on open stretches of empty road no longer in use, and the cheers from strangers as the underdog takes victory each time.

Ben soaks it all up, the smell of burning rubber, the way he feels he has wings when he drifts those corners, the way he feels he has a place when people cheer him on. This is his freedom, his sinned innocence, the hunger for the rush.

Right now, he's a runaway, and in a few minutes, maybe years — he'll find somewhere to be.

He'll find his road to conquer and call home.

_\- - -_

_PRESENT_

Ben's not sure how he got here. In fact, he's not sure how any of this worked out, finding Callum, having this. What they have.

He wouldn't change it, no, it's just that their paths intertwining and joining feels a little unreal. Maybe it's just how he feels, how for a split second he thinks he'll wake up back home, cold in his own sheets.

There's no explaining the way his body seems to come alive when he realises that's not true.

For the past two weeks, he's been waking up in warm arms, warm sheets, a kiss on his cheek if Callum is awake before him. Other times, Ben wakes up first, brushing his fingertips across Callum's neck, watching as his eyes blink open before they kiss. 

Sometimes, Ben will wake up with Callum against his back, safe, _home,_ and he'll fall back to sleep. There's even the rare times he'll wake up with Callum's back pressed against him, Ben's arms squeezing on instinct, a gut reaction, a silent request that he hopes he'll never have to let him go. Callum must hear him, or sense it, as each time he'll either turn over and nuzzle into him, or reach for Ben's hand on his chest and intertwine their fingers.

It's mornings of another life, one Ben dreamt of, and now he's living in it.

This is nothing like the holiday where they were afraid of something more, so afraid they had to fake it. Well, Callum never did, but Ben compares himself from then to now and _god_ what a difference time makes.

He's allowing himself to love. Maybe not even that. It's just something natural, human, _normal_ and Ben sometimes has to remember to breathe on his own because he becomes so caught up in how much he's wanted this.

Fast cars, nameless faces, it was adrenaline and only that. It still is, but Ben knows that when he rockets across that finish line, he has arms waiting for him to congratulate him, to kiss him and take him home and start a brand new day and live that same feeling over and over. 

Ben's only been dating him properly for a few weeks, but it feels like a lifetime, it feels like it's _meant_ to be a lifetime with Callum, and his chest aches thinking about it.

He doesn't want anything else, he's sure of that already.

Ben curls under the sheets, his body knowing it's going to be cold if any inch of skin dares to leave the bed. He's awake, knows he is, but the daze is hard to break out of.

The process speeds up though, noticing a lack of touch, a lack of Callum.

It stops when he feels Callum's leg brush his, skin equally warm. Ben breathes in relief, not sure why he's becoming so attached to contact in somewhat mellow, comforting atmospheres. It must be Callum's doing, offering that safe haven every morning, sweet and numbing and Ben needs him closer.

His eyes blink open to see where he is, and he's not far.

Callum is right there, the width of a hand separating them but Ben feels every molecule of space between. He's propped up on his elbow, his body turned towards Ben and his eyes down, focused on a book. 

Ben wants to pull the book out of his hand, grumble something that'll make Callum stutter as he always does and kiss him into tomorrow. He doesn't. Ben allows the morning haze of his vision to become somewhat tolerable, keeping still so he can admire Callum in the orange light pouring through their tent before the day beckons them to move.

Callum's fringe falls to the side, all soft and free from product. His eyes have this gentle blue, a focus so small but enough as they absorb every word of the page.

Even to blurry eyes, Callum is gorgeous, present — _Ben's._

Reaching for his hearing aid, he mumbles as he slots it back into his ear, sighing as he adjusts to the sudden spark of noise. Birds tweeting, the rustle of a book page.

Ben has to move, has to reach Callum and cure the longing that stirs every second they aren't together. He's able to turn the engines in his body even through the early resistance of just waking up, but he manages, smiling as Callum turns his head just in time for Ben to meet his lips.

A gentle press, and then they move, slow, as if Ben weaves time with his hands alone, and he chooses to use that power to drag out the kiss, to make them feel infinite.

Ben leans up a little more, breaking from the warmth of the sheets, but the cold that surfs over his skin rolls back when Callum keeps all focus on Ben. The sheets of their air mattress pool at Ben's waist a few seconds later.

Callum forgets the book, somewhat, having some thought left that isn't kissing Ben to fold the corner of his page. He'll regret doing that later, but he doesn't regret it now, allowing the book to slump between them, Callum using that free hand to cup Ben's jaw.

He doesn't think they've gone a day without doing this, numb and in love, kissing and holding and _being_ every chance they can get. It's so easy to forget about life back home or where they'll be in the future because they're so tuned with the present, one step at a time, one kiss at a time.

Ben tugs a little, Callum humming as he understands, sleepy himself as he hooks his leg over Ben's, leaning over him as Ben falls back to the bed.

Callum feels him smile against his lips, laughing light and carefree when Callum returns it, and it's impossible to kiss now, but their lips still brush and their eyes stay closed.

"Hey," Ben whispers, and only then does he open his eyes, blinking as Callum opens his, scanning and counting each freckle on Ben's nose.

Callum takes a moment to settle on his elbow, hand soothing down the side of Ben's face, thumb tickling the stubble that's starting to grow again. 

"Hi," replies Callum, prompting Ben to smile, tilting his head towards him.

"You taste minty," Ben prods his chest. "How long have you been awake?"

Callum brings his bottom lip between his teeth, feeling cheeky at being caught. 

"Not long. 'Bout twenty minutes," Callum allows his head to fall, nose brushing along Ben's cheek and then up, into his hair, Ben humming below him.

"Mmm," Ben sighs, kissing Callum's neck just before he pulls back, able to see his face again. "Thought you'd sneak a breath mint and then what, wait until I woke up? Callum — you'd rather read your book then wake me up with a kiss?"

Callum knows he's teasing, but it's enough to make Ben swallow his words, watching as Callum flicks his focus over Ben's face, falling on his eyes and allowing time to pass.

Ben swallows, keeping himself still except the rise and fall of his chest, and it's not long before Callum slowly moves his upper half over Ben, eyes taunting, unmoving.

There's a split second where their lips brush, gentle before Callum's kissing him, the angle changing so Ben has to tilt his head back slightly to meet him, hands perching on the back of his neck to hold him close.

Callum mirrors him, thumbs pressing against the pillars of muscles on his neck as they move down, resting on Ben's shoulders when Callum moves back.

Ben is left with a greater need for air then before that kiss, making him smirk like he's victorious in all of this. Callum is the real victor, though, and that's why Ben is smiling so bright, a sense of pride bubbling inside as Callum kisses the tip of his nose.

"Sorry," he mumbles, and Ben would scoff and ask what he's apologising for after _that,_ but Callum sounds genuine. "Didn't mean to. I just — wanted to finish that chapter and you looked so peaceful. Didn't wanna' wake you."

_Don't want to waste the day._

Ben understands. He brushes his thumb over Callum's right ear, leaning up to kiss him, bringing Callum back down for another few seconds of bliss before he calms the waters.

"I was joking, you know that, right? I… still don't believe this. We've had all these days together and for some reason I still can't get enough of you," Ben looks up to the ceiling of the tent, eyes closing as Callum thumps his forehead against Ben's shoulder, rolling to lay beside him.

It feels strange, still, to talk so openly about how he feels. Granted, Ben only does it when they're practically punched out of him by his own heartbeat, considering he either feels strongly or not at all, and either way is his downfall. When it comes to Callum, though, there's less regret when those words slip his tongue and more tickles, more gentle relief and the feeling of acceptance when he's met with honest eyes, safe hands and reassuring words.

"Yeah," says Callum, hand wandering, walking two fingers across Ben's chest to meet with the promise ring he gave him, still hanging on that silver chain. "I feel that too."

Ben turns his head towards him, lips pressed tightly together as he watches Callum poke at the ring, finger going through until it sits perfectly around his wedding finger.

Seeing that makes his heart burst with — fear? Want? Need? Uncertainty?

It lasts mere seconds but it's enough to force Ben to break the silence.

"I bet you'd be able to say it better than me," jokes Ben, laughter laced with nerves. Surely, Callum will notice that.

Callum looks up to him from where he lays on his shoulder, eyes blinking a few times before realising something.

He shuffles onto his elbow again, reaching over Ben, and Ben's about to ask what he's doing when he sees the outline of his glasses in front of him.

"Sorry," Callum says, all shy but full of care. "Saw you frowning. Thought you'd want them."

He does, smiling as he muffles a small _cheers,_ wiggling the glasses on and then having his head fall back. Callum settles into his side again, content to stay like this a little longer.

"What did you say again?" Callum's hand moves over Ben's stomach, fingernails tickling.

Ben almost forgets to reply, absorbing the comfort for a moment, "Oh. About these weeks, how I'm with you every second but it don't feel enough."

"Mm," Callum closes his eyes. "That sounds alright to me."

"Say your version of it."

"Okay," Callum takes a deep breath, allowing it to fall between his lips before speaking. "To me… it's a mix of things."

"Yeah?" Ben wants every word, and sometimes he sits there and wishes in his head, over and over the same words of _teach me, teach me how to love._

And every time he's floored.

"It's knowing you're home, even if we're moving from place to place," Callum opens his eyes, watching his own hand moving over Ben's chest. "Shit. Sorry — that's super cheesy and — _awful."_

Ben feels that familiar thunder in his chest, the warm kind, the echoing strength that makes Ben want to agree with him. Callum doesn't even understand love that much himself, but he's more open to the feeling of it, more than Ben ever was.

"I can't believe this," says Ben, and for a moment, Callum tenses beside him.

Callum dares to ask, "What?"

"I'm a fool. I ask you to say how you feel and then I curse myself for saying it because everything you manage to say about me, about us — it just makes me love you even more. Sounds stupid to say that, like I couldn't possibly love you more than I do, but you prove me wrong every time." Ben meets Callum's eyes. He didn't mean to get all mushy. Callum does that to him. 

Or maybe he does, maybe he wants to and the thought of confessing his feelings is still so alien to him that he has to mask it as some sort of slip up.

"You know," Callum says, easing Ben's anxiety now that he's speaking too, not leaving the air all heavy and lovey dovey. "I don't think I'll ever get used to you saying that."

Ben has no idea of the carousel spinning in Callum's chest, the happy notes of his heart making it turn. The moment that smile breaks out onto his lips, Ben is merely a messenger of the sun, and he smiles too.

"What?" Ben can already sense what's coming, but hearing it every time is like gold, like a diamond so polished it's one of the most unique in the world.

"That you love me." Callum closes his eyes against him, leaving Ben without watchful eyes, and that means his face falls to something soft, unguarded. 

Ben should be the one saying that, how he can't really believe that Callum took one look at Ben and thought — that's it. _I'm home._

"Hey," Ben taps his shoulder, prompting Callum to focus back on him. There's a smile growing on Ben's lips, his body moving on instinct as he shuffles onto his side, Callum adjusting to lean on the pillow instead as Ben places his forehead against Callum's temple.

Callum can already sense it, what he's about to say, the tingling feeling on his skin, the thunder that promises lightning in his chest. Ben's this storm only he can control, and getting swept up in Ben is something Callum doesn't think he'll ever get tired of.

Ben noses at his cheek, eyes closed as he says it, whispered like a secret but so loud to Callum's heart.

 _"I love you,"_ Ben allows those words to take root, to bloom, to allow Callum to believe it because he deserves that more than anything. "And I don't think I'll ever get used to being able to say it."

Callum turns his head, noses brushing as his hands slowly reach for Ben. The blue of Ben's eyes are so fragile, shards of different shades, a different world held entirely in there, and Callum stares until he feels like he needs to breathe.

Their lips touch once more, mellow, familiar until Callum feels the first ricochet of Ben's confession, all the way down to his fingers as they brush through his hair, arms wrapping around his shoulders as Ben cups his jaw. 

Callum feels the cold of Ben's promise ring moving over his chest, and he's never felt more alive, more himself — _happy._

He pulls Ben closer and doesn't let go.

\- - -

"What's the schedule for today?" Ben asks, sipping his steaming tea, sitting on the hood of their car as Callum packs up the last of their tent.

"You could help, first of all," laughs Callum, dropping a few pegs as he walks over to the trunk of the car.

"I'm supervising," Ben flicks an eyebrow upwards as Callum glances to him. "Can't miss an opportunity to watch my man work."

"Alright," Callum clears his throat as he clicks the boot shut. "You can pay for every hotel from now on."

Ben's jaw falls, stuttering words that don't mean anything as Callum walks back over to him, hands in his pockets.

"That's not fair," mumbles Ben, trying to look disheartened but he can't help the smile on his face. "But I guess to save money we'll just camp for the remaining weeks."

Callum tips his head back, tongue moving against the inside row of his bottom teeth. He'd continue the joke they have going on, but honestly, he wouldn't mind waking up for the rest of these weeks with views like _this._

Valleys that stretch for miles, rich forests, wildlife that have a habit of making Ben's life hell by stealing his packet of peanuts that he bought from the service station.

It feels like another world out here, one that's just theirs. Sure, cotton sheets and fancy chocolates on pillows are nice, but there's something about camping, about putting up a tent, starting a fire and cooking hearty meals as Ben sits practically glued to his side.

"I wouldn't mind it," says Callum, looking over, Ben grimacing like he can't stomach the thought of it. What an awful liar. "You love it out here."

"I tolerate it out here."

"You suggested it." 

Ben wrinkles his nose, taking another sip of his tea.

"Dunno. Spending quality time with my boyfriend in a tent, or spending quality time with my boyfriend in a five star hotel. Which one sounds more — _romantic_ to you?"

Ben's eyes challenge him as if to say _go on, prove me wrong like I know you can._

"Both," Callum shrugs. The answer's easy, but he still flushes with the thought of it. "Both options have you."

Ben's smirk simmers to a smile, looking away as he drops his gaze to the floor.

"You're gonna' make my teeth fall out," says Ben, and Callum smiles beside him, knowing he's said what they both feel about this whole journey.

It doesn't matter where they stay, where they go, as long as they're together.

"Well, we should head off," Callum checks his watch. "Our reservation is in two hours."

Ben looks over his shoulder, "Wait, you booked it?"

"Yeah?" Callum beams again, and Ben just clicks his tongue. Of course he did. "Even gave us an extra two hours just in case. You're unpredictable."

"I like to call it spontaneous," Ben laughs as Callum rolls his eyes, stepping down from the car and walking to the passenger side. "C'mon, then."

Callum laughs as he watches Ben tap his watch from inside the car, packing the last of the camping stuff away in the boot. They both wanted a hot beverage before attempting to pack up, but it ended up just being Callum packing everything away.

He's seen the distant looks, how Ben feels like he's in another world entirely. Callum wants to ask what's on his mind, but it also feels as if he's chewing on glass when he's about to ask. Callum trusts that Ben will talk to him in time, but it still worries Callum, especially when it's just them out here and nothing else.

If Ben doesn't talk to Callum, then he can only talk to himself, and voices on their own only become louder without anything else to absorb or blend the noise into the background.

With the cookery cooled, Callum places them in the backseat before walking round to the drivers side. Ben has his favourites playing from some musical Callum has no idea about, but it makes Ben smile and that's all that matters.

Ben glances at him, almost expecting him to say something about it, but Callum being the world of good that he is simply asks him if he's okay before setting off.

Pip's already gone back home with Lexi and Lola, meeting them at the beach a few days ago to spend that day out like they promised. In a way, Ben's relieved, because there's nothing worse than a dog kissing your face at five in the morning and your boyfriend laughing because he's the one that planned it.

He's also seen how much Pip means to Callum, how much he talks to her like she's a human being. Well, everyone should, but Callum has this bond with her that's more than special. She's family, and she's saved him many times when Ben wasn't even there. Ben's thankful for that, and he's honestly relieved to know her again.

And the car? It runs like a dream.

Turning his head and seeing Callum with his hand on the wheel is a dream.

It's early November, so the midday sun feels cold, and fog settles over the roads most of the time. They should've planned to go next summer when there's more heat and chances to open the window as they roll down country roads or whatever roads they find.

In a way, Ben's glad they left when they did, a spur of the moment decision that feels right. It's time for them to catch up, to clear their lungs. They've spent so much time _buying_ time, and now they just get to live, to appreciate what they have instead of dreaming it.

Ben reaches his hand over, placing it over Callum's on the gear shift, not daring to look over because he knows there'll be a big smile on Callum's face that'll make his heart feel like jelly.

Ben's thumb brushes over the scar on Callum's knuckle. That damn mirror, that damn club. In a way, if it never happened, maybe they wouldn't be here now, the open road and the gentle taps of Callum's fingers on the wheel. 

He's humming along to the song, occasionally looking out to the scenery, the district home to views that shock the soul. Ben finds himself looking at Callum more than anything else, still in awe, still in disbelief.

Thing is, Ben does prefer camping, prefers having Callum and nothing else for miles because it doesn't feel like he has to run from anything except his own fears. When it's just them, Ben can lose himself in how in love he is, how Callum's hands burn like he's the sun, hot but not too hot that it leaves a mark. Callum still allows him to be his own man, but he's there beside him every step of the way now, whatever that might be.

Maybe they should talk about it, what they'll do after this. Callum might go back to the restaurant, and Ben will go back to racing. Ben's already told him he doesn't want to do it anymore, that he'll find another way, but some part of him knows that the rush of crossing that line first will always be a part of him.

He has the confidence that whatever he chooses, Callum will drive right beside him, with him in his heart.

_\- - -_

They're not too far from the pub, but Callum needs a break from driving. Ben suggested they get some sandwiches since they won't be arriving until dusk, and Callum pulls into a quiet service station with his tummy rumbling.

Callum fills the car back up with fuel, leaving Ben in the car as he walks into the station to pay for it.

Ben needs some air, to stretch his legs, so he steps out, sighing when his body thanks him for it. He becomes so content, so comfortable when it's just himself, Callum and the road.

Taking out his phone, he scrolls through his contacts until he's met with Kathy's name, pressing _call_ since he promised he'd ring her today.

It rings four times before she picks up.

_"Ben! How are you? It's good to hear from you."_

Ben is all smiles as he replies.

"Hey, Mum. I'm good. I'm really good."

Kathy sighs, relief more than anything. Hearing that he's happy is something she's always wanted for him, knowing that the life he had before Callum was simply a day to day venture.

_"And how's the special man?"_

Ben laughs, rubbing the side of his face, the smile still there. She's talking about Callum.

"He's special alright. We're both good, both happy — at least I think he is." Ben still has doubt, and he always will. It's just who he is.

_"Hey, none of that! You make each other happy."_

Ben scratches at his neck, "Hard to believe sometimes."

_"I know — but look, Ben. You're travelling with him, spending time with him. Do you think he'd be with you right now if he wasn't happy?"_

"I mean, Callum would be the guy to do it just because he's kind, not because he likes me."

 _"Darling, I know it's hard to see it, but you truly do make him happy. Enjoy the time you have with him instead of worrying about the times you might not be,"_ Kathy sighs on the other end of the phone, but when Ben doesn't reply, she continues. _"I think it's about time you started believing, Ben."_

Doubt is a horrible thing.

They talk some more about things, about what they've been up to and the places they've seen. Ben finds himself smiling as he recalls memories, easy to bathe in the light feeling they give.

Kathy talks about home, about how everyone is getting on, and Ben doesn't feel as homesick as he thought he'd be. He already knows why.

"Would you mind if I stayed out here with Cal forever?"

_"Yes! I'd miss you, but you really needed this. Take all the time you need to reset. God knows you deserve this break, and you deserve the love Callum gives you as well. Even if you don't believe that, I'm sure he does. Ask him."_

"Alright, Mum. I'll speak to you in a few days alright?" He's had enough of his mother going on and on about it. It's bad enough living with it.

_"You take care. Love you! Send my love to Callum too!"_

Callum walks back out of the shop just as Ben hangs up. Emotions to deal with later.

There's a bag in Callum's hand, and he's looking incredibly smug for someone only sent to buy sandwiches.

Thinking the same, Ben looks up to smile in reply as Callum's smug smirk only seems to grow.

"You look pretty proud for buying those sandwiches," jokes Ben, locking his phone and pocketing it.

Callum's searching through the bag as he reaches Ben, laughing to himself.

"Got you a gift," says Callum, laughing a little again, meaning he must have his hands on whatever he's bought.

 _"Callum—_ what have you—" Ben leans over, pausing when he sees it, and Callum tries to move the bag away so he can't. "What? Lexi's on her way again? I don't think you'd need that, anyway. She's not—"

Callum bursts out laughing, finally, and Ben goes blank as Callum finally pulls the _Baby on Board_ sticker from the bag.

"It's for me, ain't it?" Ben asks, having the spark of a laugh in his throat as Callum starts to peel the back off.

Ben clicks his tongue before going for him, and Callum keeps laughing as he pushes the sticker into the air out of reach.

"Fuck you! Give it here!" Ben's laughing at the same time, trying to tickle Callum so he caves, but Callum is determined not to give it to him. "You're so mean to me!"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it — and then thinking it was for Lexi? I'm sorry— _Ben stop!"_ He's laughing again as Ben tickles his waist, Ben finally managing to grab it when he doubles over.

Callum tries to grab it back, but Ben's already at the bin near the pump, shoving it in there before Callum can catch up.

"Nooo! We needed that!" He says, wiping at the tear that's fallen from laughing so hard.

"No! You bully! I ain't no baby," Ben purses his lips, and suddenly his argument isn't that valid. Callum mimics him, and Ben nudges him with his elbow. "You're on thin ice."

Callum mumbles, "Aaaw, c'mon. You should see your face when I say it's my turn to drive. You look so sad."

Ben glares over his shoulder, but the blank expression doesn't last long, smirking when Callum looks genuinely sorry, thinking he's taken the joke too far.

"Come on, sunshine," he says, and the name makes Callum smile bright. He doesn't say it often, but it makes Callum feel sickly sweet warm at the thought of being the warm light in Ben's life. "I'm looking forward to this date."

Callum doesn't have a chance to reply as Ben sits back inside the car, hiding the smile behind his hand when Callum gets back in.

"I'll get you back for that," says Ben, and Callum giggles beside him.

"It was funny, admit it."

"No."

Callum leans over to kiss his cheek, and Ben feels every ounce of whatever he was feeling numb to nothing but love. He turns to meet his gaze, Callum still close, and Ben places his hand on his cheek to kiss him, slow and tender. 

Kathy's right. 

Someone beeps the horn in the car behind them, and Ben is rudely interrupted from kissing Callum as they part. Moving to look through the back window of their car, Ben spots an angry, middle aged man shouting at them for taking up space with the only pump in the station.

Callum doesn't look, still with his focus on Ben because he can't hear the man, and frankly he doesn't care when Ben's so close.

Ben flips him off through the window, and the smirk that carves his lips is nothing short of evil. He laughs to himself when the guy behind them makes a show of becoming more and more angry.

"What are you doing?" asks Callum, laughing at Ben's expression.

"Pissing off the general public because I'm gonna' kiss you again."

Callum shares the same smirk when Ben turns back to him, both hands holding Callum's face as he kisses him again.

The guy that was behind them sets off once more, shouting at them as he goes past, but Ben and Callum don't notice, lost in each other until another car beeps at them.

"Think we should go now, we're gonna' be late," says Callum, planting another soft kiss on Ben's lips before leaning back into his own seat.

"You're right," says Ben, moving his thumb under his bottom lip as he too, settles back into his seat. He will never get tired of kissing him, the way his chest expands with this weightless feeling. "Pick up where we left off later?"

Callum nods, giving Ben one of his best smiles as the car sets off.

"That a promise for a hotel, then?"

"Don't care which, as long as you're there with me," Ben looks out the window, shy with the smile that appears, allowing his head to fall as Callum goes shy beside him.

"Hey," replies Callum, the tips of his ears warming. "That's my line. You're stealing my thunder."

Ben huffs behind his hand, leaning against the window again, eyes on the scenery but his mind on Callum.

He does need this, the break, the serene feeling of their future slotting into place. Maybe it's not that bad, slowing down, making room for another soul.

As long as that soul is Callum.

_\- - -_

When they enter the pub, there's no describing how it feels. There's lights hung up, soft and mellow music playing through speakers, the gentle mumble of conversation.

It's an atmosphere not given by anything other than a traditional pub. Golden taps, an area to eat separated from an area to drink and exchange conversation.

Callum's holding Ben's hand as they walk up to the receptionist, and Ben simply listens in as Callum does all the work. The lady behind the counter smiles at Callum a little too much, and Ben shouldn't feel the prickle of jealousy that he does, squeezing Callum's hand to reassure himself that they're solid. Nothing will break them.

Asking for their reservation, Callum waits as the lady goes to check everything's ready. He turns to look at Ben, having felt the squeeze and smiles at him. Ben doesn't smile back, simply adoring him as he looks over his face, wondering how on earth he got so lucky.

Callum leans over to kiss his temple, and warmth blooms and curls around his heart so fast that he has to take a breath. He's come so far from being afraid of who he is to showing physical affection in the middle of a busy pub. Their joined hands are hidden by their side, but that kiss wasn't.

The lady comes back before Ben can drag him out of here, having the thought to hold him all night with his arms around him, but they're here for a reason.

Callum nods and thanks them, giving Ben another reassuring smile as they follow her to a place at the back of the pub where other couples are seated.

But Ben's and Callum's table has candles, a sheet thrown over the tabletop, menus already there and space from the other tables to give them privacy in conversation.

Ben almost stops in his tracks. He thought they were going here just because reviews were good.

Callum looks over his shoulder, back to Ben, and he smiles at how shocked Ben seems as he walks those last few steps to catch up with him.

"What's this about?"

"They had a special option when I was reserving our spot. This place is so busy sometimes we couldn't just turn up. She spoke about this," Callum gestures to the table, "and I thought that we'll probably only come here just this once so — why not?"

Ben still has his lips parted in mild shock when Callum squeezes his hand, pulling him back to reality.

"Callum… you didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to," says Callum, thumb brushing over his knuckles as he brings his hand to his lips. "Unless—"

 _"No— no_ I do. I just — I don't think I've ever done this before. Like a proper date, outside in public."

Callum blanks. He's been so caught up in being with Ben these last few weeks that he's forgotten about their lives before each other. 

"At all?"

"No," says Ben, a little nervous at how real this is all becoming. "I wasn't one for relationships, remember? Furthest I got was meeting a guy at a restaurant and both finishing our meals before agreeing to — _and_ I shouldn't be talking about that. Shit. I'm sorry, Callum."

"Ben, it's okay," he laughs, bringing his other hand up to hold his cheek. "I haven't done this either."

"You have," Ben knows about Whitney, that they went on dates.

"I wasn't me back then. I wasn't in love," Callum looks back to the table. It's not much, just a decorated table in an old cottage pub on a busy street but it's the thought of doing this that gives them both butterflies. "I know for sure that how I'm feeling right now is the happiest I've ever been, and we said we'd do this our way, didn't we?"

"Yeah."

"Then we're allowed this. _You_ can have it." Sometimes reassurance is all someone needs, that this is normal, that this isn't some stretch into the box to find ways to keep themselves interested in each other. "So, will you be my date for tonight?"

Ben smirks as Callum offers his hand even though he's already holding his other one. 

"Mmm," Ben starts to tease. "Gotta' think about it."

Callum shakes his head, looking back to the table before turning back to Ben.

"I'm nervous. I don't know why."

"Maybe it's because we're still standing next to our table and haven't sat down yet," Ben chuckles as Callum looks over his shoulder, wondering if people are looking at them. It's not until Ben speaks up again that he looks back. "Or, you're a good person and you want this night to go perfect."

Callum's lips tip one way, and it's the most shy smile Ben's ever seen from him. Of course he'd want the small box table dinner date with three different sized candles to go well.

Ben would voice what his heart is feeling but he doesn't have the guts to say it, so he doesn't.

He lets go of Callum's hand to sit down, Callum doing the same, brushing his hands against his thighs as he sits down. When they're seated face to face, it feels all the more real, all the more exciting with fresh nerves because _they're really doing this. They're really doing this relationship thing._

Ben was so against it before that Callum is nervous with every new step they take. He fears that whatever next step they take will always be their downfall, the thing that breaks the floor beneath them and they lose it all.

The night goes perfect, though.

Ben laughs when Callum jokes, and Callum looks away all shy when Ben has the small ounce of strength to openly pour his heart out. The food is nice, homely, and Ben asks if they'll ever have a date in the restaurant he works at and Callum's open to the idea, but he also doesn't want Ben to voice their private matters to his close work colleagues in an attempt to make him laugh. 

The conversation flows easily, and even when they're not talking, the smiles and looks they exchange are nothing but sweet, warm. Ben knocks his foot under the table when Callum becomes too shy at something he's just said, and Ben winks his way over the candlelight. 

"For a guy who didn't want anything to do with love," starts Callum, brushing his hand against the side of his neck. "You sure know how to voice it."

"It's easy with you," Ben replies, resting his hand near Callum's in the middle of the table. It's enough for Ben to move his finger, gently brushing against his knuckles. "Feels normal, feels right to be around you."

Callum's smile crinkles the corners of his eyes, and Ben can't help but smile back, keeping their eyes on each other as the waitress comes over to pick up their empty plates.

"Any dessert?" She asks, hovering as Ben and Callum keep their eyes on each other. It's only after she asks that Ben's finger hooks around one of Callum's.

"I think we're good, thanks," says Ben, and the waitress leaves them be. Callum would argue about that, that he didn't have the choice to say his piece, but he's drawn to Ben and he can't seem to break from it.

The candles burn slowly, and one minute, Ben is looking at Callum with the reflection of it in his eyes, and the next he's watching the light flicker over Callum's stomach as he kisses there, all soft and slow.

Callum brushes his hands through Ben's hair, sinking into the sheets of their hotel bed as Ben basically worships him. He doesn't know what's brought this on, but he doesn't complain.

Ben feels as if he needs to voice his thanks through more than words, that this man is giving him a chance to _be_ more. 

Callum brings him back up to kiss him as the single candle flickers beside them on the table. His arms wrap around him, and Ben smiles into their kiss like he hasn't before.

Ben's a free man, more free than he was behind the wheel.

\- - -

_TWO DAYS LATER_

The beach is golden where they are, gentle waves, the whistles of a seaside town. Callum suggested they walk along the beach while eating their burgers. 

And now here they are.

"I've never asked when your birthday is," says Ben, swinging his hand that's holding Callum's between them. "Now we're official, it feels like I should know that."

"Only _feels_ like you should know that?" Callum chuckles to himself, eyes in front as he kicks the sand up on every step. His father would probably call him childish for doing it at his age, but he doesn't care, not when Ben somehow joins in every other step.

"Shut up, ya' know what I mean."

Callum nods. He can't deny he's been thinking about it too.

"Already thinking of what to get me?" Callum teases, turning to watch Ben's eyes go wide.

"Shit. Don't tell me — it's close?" 

Callum doesn't know if to cry or laugh at how nervous Ben looks at missing his first birthday as boyfriends. It makes his heart flip all comically.

"Nope! But you wouldn't be thinking about it if you _weren't_ thinking about what to get me," Callum's cheeky with his smile, laughter growing when Ben turns to glare at him.

Two can play at that game.

"Maybe I am! Maybe I'll whisk you away in an expensive car." Ben tries and fails to sound cool about it. He knows their running joke.

"You've already done that," Callum points over his shoulder, back to where they parked. "We're doing it right now."

Ben rolls his eyes, sighing. 

"It's the 25th of March," says Callum, and Ben stops, kicking the sand as he does.

"What?"

"The… 25th of Ma—"

"You're lying," Ben points at him with the hand not holding Callum's, but there's a smile on his face.

"I wouldn't!" Callum holds his hand up in surrender. "It's true."

"Wow, that's four days after mine," says Ben, grinning as it's now Callum's turn to look shocked.

"No way!"

"Yeah!"

They both laugh, saying _double birthday_ at the same time, and they're both hit with the fact that with their next birthday, they _will_ be celebrating together — _as boyfriends._

"Mine comes first though," Ben teases, taking a step ahead so can walk backwards, smirking at Callum. "Which means I get the attention first."

"Oh yeah? Not gonna' share?" Callum picks up his walking pace as Ben does, both of them sprinting into a run as Callum chases him.

 _"No! Wait! Don't tickle me!"_ Ben laughs when Callum manages to grab him, both of them falling into a heap on the sand.

\- - -

_THREE DAYS LATER_

The days have been good. Good food, good company, roads that rumble and those that promise a smooth ride. 

Ben falls into this state, the same place of mind where he was at the start of the trip. He gets so caught in being with Callum that when he stops, it's like his body turns cold. It's an anxiety that's been growing, building overtime.

Rain falls. There's a promise of thunder above but they'll probably miss it.

Ben's safe in their hotel room for the night, brushing his teeth while staring at himself in the mirror. This is new, too. He's never really done anything domestic in a relationship before and now they have this routine of whoever finishes in the bathroom first warms the bed, or closes the curtains, or orders a beverage before they sleep.

He remembers the holiday, and frankly, a lot of this trip reminds Ben of that week and how awful it was to look back on. Ben wasn't himself, wasn't the man he is now, walking out that bathroom and into warmth beyond measure. 

Callum bumps into him, mumbling this sweet and short _sorry_ before kissing Ben's forehead, hands settled on his neck before side stepping and heading to the bathroom himself. Ben pauses in that spot, the pocket of air where Callum once was turning cold.

He needs a drink.

Ben walks over to the fridge, deciding if alcohol right now will settle whatever uneasy feeling he's starting to brew. He could talk to Callum, but he knows what he'll reply, that he'll talk sense into him and that'll be the end of it.

Deciding against the beer, he closes the fridge, picking out a water bottle instead as Callum finishes up in the bathroom behind him. He's all loose, sleepy, and Ben still can't understand how he's fallen into this, into them.

It still feels as if he should be back home, a nameless face, that he doesn't deserve the way Callum all but falls into bed with a sigh, tired from the day of exploring sights and the city.

Ben fiddles with the cap of the bottle, staring, not sure what expression is present on his own face when Callum looks back at him, smiling.

It's helpless that Ben smiles too, knocking his head back to drink the water before his heart bursts. He knows what this is now, knows why he said no to Callum all those times they even hinted at the word relationship.

He's scared of it all going wrong, of Callum no longer loving him, of making a mess of who they are and breaking promises he never made in the first place. It doesn't mean it _will_ happen, but the _possibility_ is enough to churn Ben's stomach, making him drink more and more until the bottle crinkles empty.

Callum says nothing of it.

After that, he discards it in the bin, hands suddenly itching to do something because they're not holding anything. He can't pick at the label of the bottle because it's gone now, so all he can do is bite the nail of his thumb, staring out to the window that's now grey, foggy, rain pouring as if it wants to drown him.

He just looks around the room, eyes searching for something but they just land on the curtains he's left open. He's meant to close them before bed, but he's rooted to the spot, wondering how cold he might feel if he steps out into that cold, how much it might drown out his anxiety of losing Callum.

"Ben?"

But it's warm in here, so warm, and Ben's got used to that cold for far too long.

"Yeah," he says, flashing a quick smile that's incredibly weak, and Callum's face reflects seeing it. 

"Come to bed," says Callum, leaning forward from where he sits against the headboard, and Ben's eyes fall on him again.

He's all cozy, covers up to his chest, rubbing at one side of his face, a smile on his lips as Ben keeps looking. Ben can't believe it, and he doesn't think he ever will because Callum's his boyfriend, his best friend, _future husband_ and whatever other label they'll give themselves.

All Ben can do is walk towards him, exhaustion heavy in his bones as his knees knock at the side of the bed, Callum reaching up to hold his hand.

"You okay?" and then there's that thing he does, Callum's thumb brushing over the back of his hand, his knuckles. His heart plummets thinking Callum already knows about how stressed he feels when he shouldn't be.

"Yeah," Ben says, sounding all choked up but managing to keep guarded. "Yeah. Am now."

He falls into him when Callum tugs on his hand, a tangle of limbs until they make sense of where they're laying, Callum brushing his hands through Ben's hair. Ben simply can't stop staring at him now he's so close, admiring, hoping that he'll drop his head just that bit more so he'll be able to reach Callum's lips.

Ben never does. Callum remains leaning, propped up on his elbow as Ben closes his eyes, allowing himself time to absorb Callum being by his side.

Memories are something he can keep if he can't have Callum forever.

Callum worries, though. He's worried about the hollow look he saw in Ben's eyes before he fell asleep, how he was looking through Callum without any belief of him being there. He finds himself staying up, thumb moving across Ben's cheek, gentle enough not to wake him from the small whistles he makes in his sleep.

It's only when Callum starts to feel sleep pulling his eyes closed does Ben wake again, curious as to why Callum's still awake, head propped up on his arm, almost as if blinking or closing his eyes will make Ben vanish.

"Aren't…" Ben starts, sleep making his words slow in his throat. "You not sleepin'?"

Ben brings one hand from under the covers to rub the back of his thumb against his eye, sighing as his body starts to work its way back to some sort of active state.

"I was going to," says Callum, yawning, hiding it halfway behind his hand. "Just felt like staying up."

Ben frowns, "Eh? To… to watch me? Babe — you can do that any hour of the day but you need sleep."

Callum chuckles, light enough that it makes Ben feel floaty.

"Not that. There's a lot on my mind," Callum finally settles his head on the pillow, shuffling a bit more so he can get comfortable. "Seeing you makes it easier. Knowing you're by my side makes it easier."

Ben takes his time, simply staring back at Callum with those blue eyes of his. He swallows, looking away before looking back.

"Is it — about me? What you're thinking about?" 

Callum takes a breath. He doesn't know if this is the right thing to do, but he'll try. He'll try for them.

"I'm always thinking about you," he says, and Ben huffs. He's closing his eyes as Callum continues. "But I'm also worried about you."

Callum watches as his shoulders drop more than they already are, fingertips pulling the pillow closer to his face as he opens his eyes to Callum again. There it is, that look, the look Ben's been trying to avoid because he looks so _sad._

"I'm alright."

"You're not." Bringing his hand up, the back of his forefinger brushes against Ben's hand, the one gripping the pillow, knowing that if he didn't reach for Callum he doesn't necessarily want contact, but Callum wants him to know that he's there. "I saw the way you looked at me."

Ben frowns. How does he pick up Ben's doubt from that? How sad did he look?

"How did I look at you?" It's all Ben can ask. Perhaps if Callum explains how he was then Ben can find his way out of it.

"Like you were… scared of me."

Ben almost looks away too quickly, the way Callum's voice drops, sounding broken and it slices something deep in his chest. His throat goes dry, wanting to say something, to correct him, but it'd lodged in his throat and feels tears build because of it.

The pressure builds so quickly it knocks Ben off his feet, sniffing as he quickly wipes at his eyes. He wasn't meant to cry over this — and why even is he? It's nothing but doubt, it shouldn't hurt this much.

"Losing you," starts Ben, whispered between them until his voice gains strength. "I'm scared of losing you."

Callum takes a moment, his expression a mix between confusion and sadness, becoming something guarded as he props himself back onto his elbow.

His eyes search Ben's face, unsure what to say, but he's feeling an ocean's worth of emotions at how Ben looks at his hand near his, wanting to reach out but in fear of doing so.

Callum moves it himself, curling his fingers, threading them through Ben's and that single moment of contact makes Ben inhale. It's like he can breathe again, knowing he's there.

"You won't," Callum leans down, kissing his cheek, and Ben closes his eyes with the small sound of a cry.

Ben didn't mean to break, but this has been building for a while.

"How long?" Callum asks, dreading the answer, but they need to talk about this.

Ben laughs, more pity for himself than anything else because of how quickly the answer falls on his tongue.

"Since I first kissed you," says Ben, turning to look at Callum, not expecting the shock on his face. "Surprising, huh? Yeah. I've loved you for a long time, didn't see past my nose though, did I?"

"No, I — It's just the way you left. That's why? You already knew?"

"Not then," Ben takes another deep breath. "I just knew I couldn't. I tried not to because I didn't wanna' get to this point."

Callum doesn't ask what he means, but he gives Ben time to explain it himself. Ben looks lost, as if he knows Callum is waiting but he simply can't answer him. 

But then he moves, Ben sitting up and wiping at his eyes to get rid of the sting. Shit. He's a mess. He didn't mean to break apart.

He shuffles to the end of the bed, needing space even though half of him wants to jump back into Callum's arms and silence the doubt that way — but he can't.

Ben needs to talk, to allow himself to speak because there's been too many days locked away in his ribs and it's starting to hurt, starting to bleed.

Walking to the open window, he welcomes the cold pocket of air, arms moving to fold across his chest, hands brushing up and down either arm. 

Callum moves so he's sitting at the edge where Ben left, ready to walk to his side when he needs him.

Ben swallows, taking a deep breath, and then speaks, his back to Callum with his eyes to the foggy fields outside.

"Promise me you won't laugh." Is the first thing he says, so sharp, so empty at the same time.

Callum looks up from the floor, twiddling his thumbs, eager to stand by his side and say everything will be okay, but Ben needs space. There'll be a time for that.

Ben turns his good ear towards him to catch the reply.

"I'd promise you the world if I could," says Callum, not being able to see Ben's small smile, how that doubt seemingly dissolves with a few choice words.

Callum listens. That's all he can do right now.

"I think about it, about the day that maybe we aren't together and it fucking terrifies me. I know we can say we won't ever split, but that doesn't mean it'll stay true. It's not impossible, and that's what scares me, the possibility that I will, some day, mess it all up and I'll lose you."

Ben pushes his fingertips into his arm, thumb brushing up and down to try and calm himself. He's not done, but he just wants it to be over with.

"I've never done this, never said yes to you because I'm so afraid of what it'll feel like to lose you. I've never loved as hard as I love you, Callum, and knowing that one day I might feel what it's like to see you walk away — I can't stomach it," Ben lifts his head to watch the rain fall against the glass. "What you said to me, at the holiday, how you weren't the one to teach me how to love?"

He leaves the room in silence, Ben's lips parted to keep going after he remembers Callum's voice saying those very words.

"You are. You taught me that, taught me not to fear it but now I'm _terrified_ of what my life will be like without it because I don't want to let go. I don't want to let you go," Ben's shoulders drop, and his hands fall to hold his elbows instead.

Callum sees it as a welcome, an opening, and he pushes himself to stand, hovering there by the bed as Ben sniffs.

"I know it's all fear, that I'm expecting the worst, but I've come to welcome it in my life it visits so often." Ben can't hear him if he does speak, his hearing aid on the bedside table.

Callum doesn't choose to speak, not yet. He simply walks closer, eyes focused on the back of Ben's head, being there as a presence behind him without touching him.

Ben can feel his warmth. All he has to do is lean back and he'll be there, breath on his neck, but even that feels impossible right now.

"You're one of the few, good things to happen to me. The way you love me, how you want me around, how you see so much in me when I can barely look at myself in the mirror some days," Ben wipes at the side of his face, his arm falling back to his side as Callum leans his forehead against the back of Ben's head. "You're a reminder that I can be happy, that even though I'm a prat and a runaway I still have you."

Callum brings his hands up, gentle, like he's afraid of startling a wild animal as they come to rest on his Ben's waist. Ben doesn't react, not until Callum moves them to the front, warm over his stomach. He allows Ben to lean back instead of pulling him in, and the way Callum feels him sigh knows this was the right thing to do.

He gave Callum a window without even knowing it, head falling back against his shoulder as Callum rests his head on Ben's hair. Ben swears he can feel his heartbeat against his shoulder, warm and real and _grounding._

"Now I know what love is — what it really is," Ben leans back more, Callum's arms tightening around him, making him breathe in as he closes his eyes. "I don't want to know what it's like to lose it."

Ben never talks openly, and if he does it's rare and sudden and it trembles the ground they walk on, but this is silent. This is a silent plea for help, that he's hurting without actually knowing if he'll ever feel that pain, but he's scared of it, scared of being that man he was a few years ago with nothing but isolation.

Callum could say he won't, but that never worked last time.

So for a few seconds, he holds Ben, comforting him and allowing Ben to stitch up the wound he allowed to break so he could talk like this. Callum places a kiss that's barely there against the side of his neck, and Ben all but turns into it, wanting to hear from Callum that they'll be okay.

He almost sighs when Callum lets go, but it's just a reminder that it's possible to feel the way that cold shadows over him so quickly.

Ben's about to hug himself, thinking he's said it all wrong, that he doesn't believe in them enough to stay strong, but then warmth blooms like a flower in the summer over his back as Callum's hand places itself there, and then the arm that brushes his.

Callum's holding his hearing aid in front of him, eyes on Ben as he looks from the device to Callum. It's his turn to speak, his turn to wash away doubt.

Ben takes it, placing it into his ear. Callum smiles to reassure him, hand moving over the side of his neck just under that ear. He smiles back, but it doesn't last long.

"Okay?"

Ben hums, "Yeah." But he doesn't sound so sure, so Ben repeats himself. "Yeah."

"Okay," Callum comes to stand in front, blocking the rain from view as he takes Ben's head in his hands, lifting him gently so that Ben can either focus on him or the ceiling. "I'm sorry."

"What — what for? I didn't mean to —"

"No — I'm sorry for how you feel. I can't help but have that same fear, but I didn't know how bad it was for you, that the whole reason you didn't agree to _us_ in the first place was because of that." Callum bites his lip, eyes falling to his chin, trying to find words. "I had a guess it might be, but I didn't know it was that bad. I've seen you over these past few weeks, not just tonight, like you're in another world thinking about things. That's about this, isn't it?"

Ben's slow to reply, but he nods.

Callum sighs, more in relief than anything. He just wished he would've asked him sooner, not now when it's almost too late.

"Can we — would you feel better sitting down? I want to say something," asks Callum, noticing the way his shoulders drop. He's drained.

"Please," whispers Ben, and Callum takes his hand, squeezing it as he leads Ben back to the bed. "Can I—"

"Yeah, I know," Callum turns back to smile at him, and Ben feels warm at the thought of Callum knowing what he's going to ask.

Callum sits down first, arms out, Ben walking towards him and planting his knees either side of him so he can sit on his lap. Callum places a solid hand on Ben's back, keeping him from falling backwards, but the way Ben breathes slowly makes Callum feel like they're in a better place already.

He looks over Ben's face, thinking before allowing one of his hands to rest against the side of his face, mourning the loss of how vibrant Ben's eyes usually are.

"I don't know a lot about love, but I know it starts to make sense when I'm around you, Ben," Callum brushes his thumb just under his eye, watching as Ben looks up to him in somewhat awe. "Is that not what you feel?"

"Yeah, but sometimes it feels as if I'm not meant to," Ben looks away, Callum bringing him back so the words sink in.

"You are. We both are," Callum nods. "It's just hard to see that sometimes."

"And feel."

"And feel," Callum sweeps the hand up and down Ben's back. This might not work, what he's planning, but it's better than hoping for this to get better all on it's own.

Ben remains still, breathing easy as he picks at the bottom of Callum's shirt.

"When you race," and that makes Ben pause, looking down. "What do you think about?"

Ben chuckles like it's easy, "Winning."

"And what else?" 

Ben thought he would've moved to the next question, not the same topic. He brings his head up, frowning at Callum because now he has to think back, to put himself behind that wheel again and remember what it was like. 

He hasn't done it since the night he lost his car.

"Uh," Ben can't really think, so he translates what he feels instead. "I guess — control, where I'm going. Where my opponent is."

Callum remains silent for a few seconds, his thumb brushing over the back of his right shoulder as he holds him.

"You never think about losing?"

Ben's about to laugh, but it hits him like something sharp through the chest. It echoes in his head, the words, the answer he's been searching for and Callum's just made sense of it.

His face is blank when he speaks, "No. No I don't."

"You're sure you're gonna' win, you have the confidence to win," Callum doesn't say it like a question, more like a statement. "You don't have the fear of losing."

Ben can feel his heart tumble and then squeeze. It seems so easy now, to see it that way.

"I couldn't afford to lose," says Ben, smiling, but it hurts. "If I lost I'd lose a lot more than pride."

"And my heart can't afford to lose you," replies Callum, and the moment those words knock into Ben, it's like a reaction, his hand squeezing Callum's shirt.

"It might have to."

"I don't want it to," Callum takes his hand from his face to place it over his chest, taking a handful of his shirt over his heart. "When you know you're gonna' lose the race, when you know you're so close to the win — what do you do?"

Ben lets go of his shirt, and instead, takes both of Callum's hands because the answer is already so loud in his head.

"I — I fight for it," Ben looks at Callum like he can't believe it, like he can't believe how easy it is to see that, how _Callum_ saw that through Ben's experience. "I don't give up because it's not over."

Callum takes Ben's hands with him, cupping Ben's face, pulling him in to kiss him. Ben's hands fall to his wrists, leaning forward until Callum has to fall back to the bed, still holding Ben as he was.

It's when they break, noses together and breath mingling between that Callum smiles, hands brushing through Ben's hair at the sides. 

Kathy said to look at him, _really_ look at Callum and see, so Ben does, and it clicks into place so easily. Callum's eyes show so much, they show how much he loves him without even saying it, how his focus, his everything is on nothing but Ben.

"Then don't give up on this, either," says Callum, kissing him on the lips once, pulling back to rest his head. "You haven't lost anything, and if I'm feeling the way I am right now, then you won't ever lose. You're irreplacable."

Ben smiles, laughing to himself because it beats crying. It's a little cheesy, what Callum speaks, but it's still helping, still proof that Callum means it.

Callum's not done. He'll need more than what time can give him to explain what Ben means to him.

"When I said I thought about what my life would be like if I never got in that car with you, I didn't mean making scenarios without you," Callum leans on his elbows now, hands by his sides as Ben twiddles his thumbs against Callum's stomach. He still looks exhausted, shoulders fallen, but there's a colour to his eyes now. "I couldn't stop thinking about how every time it was the choice to run or follow, I followed you."

Ben's face falls, not believing it, but the more Callum keeps the same expression, not falling to laughter, Ben believes him.

"A million times over, I got in that car. A million times over I kissed you that night. A million times over I whispered I love you at that cottage. I try to make my life different in my head but my heart stops me because this is it, Ben. This is it for me," Callum leans up again, hands framing his face as Ben loses all fight to hold it in. He wells up, tears not falling but making his vision blur. "I had that car, then I had you, and you fixed it. I'm complete because of you, Ben, and without you I'd be back at that same place, about to get in my car and hoping you'll appear to take those keys from me."

Ben crumbles, hands gripping the shirt at Callum's chest. He feels silly, _awful,_ but it's like breathing, finding a way out of the fog as those words sink into his skin, how Callum's hands hold him even though he feels like falling to the ground.

Ben wants to part his lips, to say it, but his bottom lip wobbles a little until it's caught between his teeth.

"How do you love me like you do?" Ben asks, pushing the palm of his hand against his eyes to wipe away the moisture. "I can't believe I'm crying."

"It's normal to cry, if anything it makes you more human," Callum smiles, feeling his own eyes sting from wanting to cry.

"Feeling this way sucks. Feels like someone's put my mind in a blender."

"But do you feel better?" asks Callum, hand on Ben's side for a moment.

"I — Yeah. I am. Thanks to you — again."

Callum chuckles, squeezing his hand to reassure him, "It's not something you need to thank me for. I wanna' be there for you when you need me."

"I wish — I wish I could understand why, though. Why me, how you know." Ben doesn't say it as if he's defeated, but more curious, as if he's not really expecting an answer.

But if anyone knows how to talk from the heart, it's Callum.

"It felt like I knew," starts Callum, still looking at Ben, a longing is his heart that feels whole, but still there because he doesn't know what the future holds. All he knows is that he longs for it, always, that future with Ben.

"What?" Ben thought he was done, but now he doesn't know where he's going, eyes shifting over his face, how this reminds him of the time Ben first talked about himself. How between that time and now, they're different but still the same. 

"The night you took me to that race, when you looked at me the way you did," Callum takes a breath, blinking before looking down to where Ben's hand sits on his chest. "I knew we'd have something, whatever that was. But you just don't look at someone like that and think — there's no way. No way he'll feel that way about me."

"I did," Ben smirks, but it's more wholesome than playful. His fringe moves from Callum's wandering hand. "Tried to ignore it. Couldn't. It's hard to ignore something that's already there, but I tried to dance around it, control it, but I ended up just falling for you more. I wanted that, wanted to know if you felt the same."

Callum meets his eyes at the same time, and that says it all.

Ben huffs, turning away, embarrassed but flustered at the same time.

"You did," continues Ben. "I know that now. I just wish I wasn't so blind back then, or that I wasn't stubborn to try and act like it was nothing."

"You were scared," adds Callum. "We know that now. But we can make it, can't we? I mean, look how far we've come, look where we are."

Ben laughs, "Yeah, sitting here with a gorgeous man beneath me saying he loves me and that he'd go through our awful first impressions again just to get here — that's not too bad."

Callum laughs too, smiling as he leans forward to kiss him, once, twice and then ongoing until Ben pushes gently against his chest. 

"You realise it'll be our anniversary soon?"

"Next year," Callum nods. "And our first Christmas. You gonna' let me kiss you as we ring in the new year?"

Ben clicks his tongue, "What? Are you kiddin' me? Course I will. Wouldn't wanna' start my next year with you any other way."

Callum tips his head back, smiling, taking a deep breath until it falls forward again. There's this look in his eyes, but Ben doesn't know what it all means.

"What?"

"You, us — I can't — I love this. I'm just so happy. I'm excited about where we're gonna go."

Ben smiles now, unguarded, holding Callum's face as he kisses his forehead.

"Yeah. Me too. I want this more than anything."

Callum brings his arms around him, pulling him down on top of him with a huff from Ben, both of them laughing until their lips meet. 

Ben feels better, less weight on his chest, warmer. Callum holds him for hours, maybe even more than that, and Ben just lays there, silent, twiddling his shirt between his fingertips. Callum's ring is cold on the back of Ben's neck, but it warms.

Maybe it's a metaphor. Maybe it's a sign.

The only thing he is sure about, though, is that when he turns his head, Callum is asleep, snoring softly, and Ben closes his eyes with him.

His fingertip scratches gently at Callum's heart, and Ben is helpless as he whispers quietly, unable to keep it in.

_"Thank you."_

\- - -

_A WEEK LATER_

They haven't mentioned it since then, Ben's fears. Callum acknowledges it in other ways, like gentle touches here and there. Smiling when Ben catches his eye, kissing his hair when he walks past on the way to the car.

Ben's thankful for it, that Callum doesn't treat him like glass ever since he broke down about his anxiety. He's still there, though, in other ways. 

Especially now, Ben feels as if the weight is gone, the heavy pounding in chest simmering to gentle rhythms. He's better than he was, not healed, but better.

Callum makes it easy work. It's so easy to love him, to feel loved in return.

Tonight is no different, having found a spot to camp near a gorgeous lake, the afternoon sun making it seem like a pool of gold.

"Wanna' go for a dip?" Callum points over his shoulder, half smile on his lips.

Ben blinks, allowing Callum's words to sink in before he huffs.

"What? It'll be freezing!" Ben takes a step back, leaning against the bonnet of the car, arms across his chest like it'll somehow stop the part of him that wants to join in, to feel that freedom.

"Yeah! But only for the first few seconds!" Callum tugs at his arm, tilting his head, puppy eyes. The whole gig.

"No, stop that," Ben grits his teeth, but there's no malice, only a smile that breaks out because Callum is leaning slowly into his space, smile spreading wider.

Callum sings a _please_ as he nuzzles his nose against Ben's, fingers gentle against Ben's neck.

Ben gives it a few seconds even though he's already admitted defeat. It's only when Callum pulls back that Ben brings his bottom lip between his teeth, still failing to hide the smile.

"Alright," he says, pushing himself from the car. "You've pulled my arm."

"Oh, come on— you've never wanted to do this before?" Callum asks, skipping back a step, all long limbs as Ben watches him brush his hair back, a colour to his cheeks that makes him look healthy.

He looks happy. Ben feels a punch to his chest when he realises that he's doing that, that Ben of all people on this planet is making Callum happy.

Ben shrugs off his jacket, throwing it into the car, and they both look out to the body of water as Callum pulls off his shirt. Ben keeps his on, afraid of how cold it's going to be. Callum prepared for this, having swimming trunks on already.

"Last one's a rotten egg!" Callum shouts, already running his way towards the bank, his feet kicking up the water until he falls in. 

It's seconds before his head pops up through the surface, arms up high and gesturing Ben to come on over.

Ben laughs, throwing the keys in the car as he takes off his socks.

Callum cheers from where he is, laughing when Ben flips him off from the distance they are.

He keeps his shorts on, walking down until his toes meet the water, and _fuck —_ that's cold.

"How the hell did you even brace this!" Ben shivers, stepping back out. "God, what are you? A human radiator?"

Callum laughs, standing up so that his shoulders are out of the water. 

"Come on, just make it those few steps and I'm here," Callum gestures Ben closer again, and Ben looks downright annoyed by this.

"You owe me one, Highway," mumbles Ben, dipping his toes in again and gritting his teeth at the temperature.

"Oh, my last name? Boy, I am in trouble."

"Fuck you," and that makes both of them laugh. It works, though, because laughing distracts Ben from how _flipping cold it is_ and before he knows it, he's met with Callum's hands on his waist.

"There," he says, making sure the water is at a comfortable height for him. "Better?"

"Warming up, but no funny business," He taps his right cheek. "Can't get my ear wet, not this water anyway."

"Okay," Callum soothes his hands over his shoulders, smiling as Ben hugs his arms around him. "You know I'd win anyway."

 _"Yeah yeah,_ alright olympic legs. We can't all be 6ft something." 

Callum laughs again, and it doesn't feel like they've stopped all day. It feels good even though his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. It makes a nice change from frowning.

"You know it's gonna' be freezing when we step out of here, right?" Ben grumbles, pulling himself even closer to Callum, chin up to look at him as Callum looks down, that gentle, loving smile on his face. Ben adores it.

"Yep."

"And you still wanted to go in?"

Callum smirks, "Yep."

"You're so irritating," Ben looks over his face, watching how his fringe falls to the side. "Lucky I love you."

"I am lucky, yeah," Callum kisses his forehead, gentle, hovering there as Ben closes his eyes.

They're silent from then on, enjoying each other's company as they sway a little, the water hugging them like a third soul. Ben rests his head on Callum's chest, looking out to the horizon and how the water seems to grow more red with the setting sun.

"This is..." Ben starts, too much on his chest in terms of feelings that he can't help but say it.

"Nice?"

"Was gonna' say something else. Different." Ben sighs against him, turning his head to look up at him once more.

"That mean you don't like it?" Callum ponders.

"Not like that," replies Ben, hands moving back around, pressed against Callum's stomach, drumming against his skin. "Just strange. Feels like I should be doing something."

Callum huffs, brushing his thumb along his jawline, droplets of water falling down his wrist. "Not used to slowing down, I guess."

"As ironic as that is, yeah. I guess so." Ben nods slowly, coming to terms with it himself. "Lola said that to me too."

"Hmm?"

"Slowing down." Ben looks down as his hands move up again, watching them glide down his arms. "She's seen me go through it all, and she didn't believe me when I outright said I was in love with you."

"I didn't for a moment, either," admits Callum, hands massaging at his shoulders as he looks out. "I told you that story and then — next thing I knew I heard you say it. Felt like I was dreaming for a bit."

Ben laughs, the sound of it making Callum smile in return.

"Hey, don't laugh at me," he nudges Ben, and Ben only hugs him closer again, pulling at his waist.

Ben hides his face, smiling, and Callum can feel it against his skin.

"I know you're smiling," he says, and Ben clicks his tongue.

"Alright, it does feel like that, doesn't it?"

"Two little birds," replies Callum, kissing the top of Ben's head, his arm wrapped around him squeezing that bit tighter as the wind rolls over them.

"Which one of us is the broken one?" He's already said himself before, but Ben feels as if he's changed.

"None of us, or both of us. I think we're at the beginning of our story anyway."

Ben leans back to look at him, and Callum is about to plead that Ben doesn't tease him with his choice of words, but he doesn't anyway.

"It's our last day here," says Ben, smiling, but it's sort of sour.

"Yeah," Callum dreads the trip home in some way.

"I've been thinking about what I want to do when we get back," Ben keeps his eyes on Callum, smiling. "I want to — I want to open up a garage. Restore classics, the same as I did with yours."

Callum beams, a smile slow to grow on his face, "Yeah? That sounds awesome, Ben."

"And the racing," Ben stops there, mouth dry because he shouldn't be doing this, but he wants to. "I want to race Danny."

Callum's smile falls, and his arms loosen their hold on Ben.

"Ben—"

"Hear me out, please," Ben grips him, not wanting Callum to let go. He doesn't, staring and waiting for Ben to explain himself. "Him and his crew, he's been the source of my pain for years. They tore me apart, made me a nameless dog to do all those jobs for them. I lost my car — I almost lost you because of him."

Callum shakes his head, "It's over with him, Ben. He won't bother you again."

"No, it's not like that. He won, Callum. He'll keep coming back knowing he will, and just because he's quiet now doesn't mean he won't be back. I gotta' prove myself one last time. One last race," Ben looks determined, the fire in his eyes Callum hasn't seen for months. "I'll settle it there and then with people there, make an equal deal. And I'll — I'll win. I'll win it. I promise."

Callum presses his lips together, watching as Ben all but begs him with his hands held on either side of his neck. 

He can't say no to him.

"I'm going with you," he says, and Ben stutters. Callum doesn't give him a chance. "Yes, I know I punched him, and I'll do it again. You're not gonna' be on your own this time, alright? You've got me and you'll have me there."

Ben nods, determined more than ever now, holding his hand up for Callum to grasp. Callum smiles before he does.

"One last race."

"One last race," Ben winks. "After Christmas?"

Callum laughs, "Sure. Sounds good to me."

Ben brings him in, kisses him warm and sweet, and Callum's arms wrap around him.

They spend more time in the lake, kissing and swaying, holding and talking.

It's the same at night when they go to sleep, the stars above them, Callum's arm around Ben as he drifts off to sleep.

Even in the morning when Callum is clicking the boot shut, getting into the driver's seat with a sigh, Ben knows that this journey of theirs is far from over.

"Time to head home, then."

Ben smiles, looking to Callum as he turns the key, the car rumbling to life. 

"Guess so," replies Ben, prompting Callum to look at him.

When they meet eyes, Ben leans over to kiss him, Callum meeting him halfway, hand cupping his cheek as the road ahead beckons them one more time.

They both know it.

They're already home.


	23. first christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this slice of christmas joy when i am not feeling festive this year at all. i hope it's somewhat enjoyable!

_3RD OF DECEMBER_

Callum's out with Whitney. They've spent the day catching up, Callum going on about his trip with Ben and Whitney talking about Chantelle.

Food and Christmas shopping. Can't get any more December than that.

"You still don't know?" Whitney asks, placing down a snow globe with a few reindeers inside.

"No," sighs Callum, looking over the cards. "I've got no idea. It's not like we've been together for a year but it feels like that, you know?"

Whitney gives a smile next to him, "I can understand that."

"So, yeah. I'm struggling with what to get him for Christmas. It's not like I can just — buy him an air freshener for his car, he's worth more than that," Callum keeps choosing different cards, reading the different verses over and over and thinking it's either too much or too little. "Why is this so hard? Does he even like cards?"

Whitney laughs, and Callum looks borderline desperate for someone to come and save him.

"I'm pretty sure he cares more about you than what card you're gonna' buy him. I'd just buy some mistletoe and use it throughout the whole day."

"I can't just do that," Callum sighs at a card that's meant to be funny, but it doesn't make him laugh in the slightest. He's really worried about this.

"You should," replies Whitney, finding a card for Chantelle at the same time. "Have you seen his face every time you kiss him? If that ain't the definition of lovestruck I don't know what is."

Callum smiles at that because he's pretty sure he does the exact same when it's Ben that initiates the kiss. Ben's teased him about it enough times, but he hasn't seen Ben do it all that much. 

Whitney and Chantelle had been there when they arrived back in town, and it was all smiles and hugs. Ben, though, didn't know what to say to Whitney, having still not apologised for the hell he's put her through when Ben was still under the reins of his father.

It's something they'll have to work on at some point. Whitney plans to do something soon though.

"Maybe I should get him a new shirt," Callum mumbles, eyes flicking over the cards because none of them seem to tick the boxes of what he's looking for.

"Shirts are always good," Whitney can't seem to find one either. They're both as indecisive as each other.

Callum starts laughing, brushing his hands against his face, and Whitney turns to him, puzzled.

"What?"

"I just can't believe where we are. Last Christmas I was buying a card to impress you, and now we're both here together this Christmas, buying cards for Ben and Chantelle," Callum looks down to her beside him. "Did you ever think it would turn out this way?"

"No, not at all," but she's laughing about it too. "But we're happy now, ain't we? I've still got you as my best mate, and now we've found our other halves. Can't get any better than that, even if I still can't get my head around you being head over heels for Ben of all people."

"Never gonna' let that go, are you?"

"I don't see the appeal, in all honesty," Whitney wrinkles her nose at that, giving up on the card she's holding. Callum's right, this is hard.

"Well, you're into women, for one," Callum laughs when Whitney elbows him. 

"So unfortunate for you to be into men," Whitney purses her lips, trying to give Callum her best apologetic expression.

Callum just clicks his tongue, laughing a little when they realise it's something they've both found confidence in, to be who they really are.

"Come on," Whitney nudges him, taking his hand to lead him out of the fourth store they've tried. "Hot chocolate break then we'll try another shop!"

Callum beams, but inwardly sighs at the same time, thankful for the break from worrying over what the hell he's going to buy his boyfriend for their first Christmas together.

That thought makes him smile over his hot drink when Whitney offers it. First Christmas together. One of hopefully many more.

Ben's probably already bought him something, all casual and confident about it.

\- - -

_5TH OF DECEMBER_

"Jay — _help me,"_ Ben is huddled over a laptop in the garage as Jay tinkers with the engine on his car. 

"He's not my boyfriend, mate," laughs Jay, leaning his hands on each side of the engine bay so he can look over at Ben. 

They're in the larger one a few miles away from Ben's house. Peter isn't here, having gone Christmas shopping with Kathy and Bobby. Jay has already done most of his, and he was hoping to avoid Ben's crisis by coming here since his texts were nothing but pictures of Christmas cards or gifts and the captions being;

_[this one???]_

_[or this??? is there too much glitter]_

_[do i get him a funny one?? or would he find that kinda rude when i could get him a sweet one?]_

_[i don't even buy christmas cards for my mum what am i doing here]_

"I know, but — you really don't have any ideas?" Ben shrugs, and when Jay shakes his head, he closes the lid of his laptop, hands brushing up and down his face with a groan. "He's gonna' buy something lovely and I'll be there going _oh — we were buying each other gifts?"_

"I think you're worrying too much about this, Ben," Jay closes the bonnet so he can talk some sense into him, or try to. "Go with your gut. You've been doing that for this whole thing with him, right?"

"Not always." Guilt rattles Ben in a way he didn't really want to feel. He hasn't always listened to his own heart, but now that he is, maybe it's just as simple as that.

Don't overthink it. 

"Well, you are now, ain't ya? That's what matters," Jay comes to sit on the armchair of the sofa, the sofa Ben ignored in favor of sliding down the wall in dramatic defeat. "Have you asked him? You know, like what he wants?"

Ben shrugs, "I tried to last night. Tried to make it all casual and not like I was desperate for an answer."

"Do I _really_ want you to continue what you're about to say?"

He walked into that one, and Ben's walking right out of it. Jay's surprised. Maybe he really is worried sick about this.

"I said what do you really want? If you could ask for anything?" And at the time, it sounded right to say, but it didn't feel possible. That didn't stop him, though. "I thought he'd just laugh at me, but then I thought — I would, and I realise that now."

Jay breathes in, at a loss. 

"What?"

"Everything," Ben drops his gaze to his hands, held together in his lap, hands that were held by Callum last night, warm and strong. "I'd give him everything."

Not a promise, not a maybe. Ben's sure. He'd find a way to give him anything he'd ask for.

Jay remains silent, moving his hands inside the pockets of his jeans, watching as his brother becomes someone new, or someone he's always been, just hidden away.

Ben loves fiercely, or not at all. He burns with it.

Callum promised him the same in that hotel room, that he would promise Ben the world if he could.

"Callum said that all he's ever wanted, all he's ever needed — he has it. I already gave that to him. He said he would never ask for more because he doesn't know what that is yet, but he has a feeling he'll find out, and that he won't know until that moment." Ben smiles, pushing his thumb into his palm, remembering how Callum pushed his hands upwards towards the pillows as he kissed him. Ben didn't have any vocabulary to respond, to say what that meant to him. "What the fuck do I reply to that?"

He never did. Ben just hopes the way he kissed and held him said all that he couldn't. He could kick himself for not being able to say the things Callum can, but maybe that's how they work.

Jay whistles, head back against the wall, "Damn. I don't think I've ever seen you like this. You're in deep, ain't you?"

"I was from the start," Ben pushes himself up, but he regrets it, his world spinning as soon as he's on his own two feet again. "I didn't go back to him that first time just to give him his phone. I saw something in him because who in their right mind would jump into that car with me."

Jay frowns, "You fancied him just because he hopped into that car beside you? That makes no sense, mate."

"I don't think it ever will," Ben smiles, almost sad. "The more I think about it, though, the more I think there's no use in me trying to decode it, or whatever."

Truth is, Callum already said what they both felt. Ben just doesn't want to admit he fell in love a little bit earlier than when Callum did.

Ben knows he has to figure that part out on his own.

"Go home, yeah?"

"Sick of me going on about my love life?" Ben smirks as Jay shakes his head.

"No. Go home, go be with him," Jay nods his head towards the garage door, and when Ben looks, his face falls to see Callum stepping out of their red car. 

Callum waves his way, red nose and rosy cheeks from the cold.

"Stop worrying about a few gifts and enjoy being with him. God knows we've all waited long enough for you to find the one." Jay claps him on the shoulder, giving his own wave back to Callum as he waits by the side of the car.

Ben blinks, pulled in both directions because one; he wants to run towards Callum and kiss him, and then two would be wanting to find out why Jay said _the one._

His sudden fear wins out, that _oh god — everyone thinks that? Is this really it? No more searching?_

Ben turns to look at Jay, his face void of anything but shock, "You think he… do you really think that?"

"Yeah," Jay smiles, laughing when Ben breathes a sigh of relief. "I really do. Now leave me alone and go be in love, alright? I got stuff to do."

Ben doesn't even listen to that, walking with his hands shoved into his pockets towards Callum. Their eyes meet halfway, and the crunch of the thin layer of snow beneath him mirrors his heartbeat. It grows louder and louder the closer Callum becomes until he skips the last few steps, gripping Callum's scarf to pull him down.

"Hey, Jay said—"

And Callum falls silent, Ben's lips on his, and it's like clockwork the way his arms circle around Ben's shoulders. The cold around them simply vanishes, and Ben's smile against his lips makes Callum laugh.

"Sorry," Ben says, blinking up at him as Callum moves back a little. "It's cold."

Callum hums, like _sure it is,_ but moves in to kiss him again, Ben's hands settled at his waist and pulling him closer to bump their bodies together.

 _"Hey!"_ Jay shouts, and Ben smirks now, knowing Callum won't stop kissing him until Ben does. _"Oi! Go do that somewhere else!"_

When Ben does break away, Ben does a small, cocky wave over his shoulder to Jay, and Jay shakes his head with a smile.

Callum keeps him close when Ben turns back around.

"Thought we could go to that pub, they've got some Christmas menus I wanna' try out," Callum brushes his hand up and down Ben's arms. "Or we could — go look for some gifts? For Lexi? I have no clue but I wanna' get her something."

Ben feels like someone's booted his heart because there's no way his eyes can well up that quickly. 

"Of course," Ben sniffs, playing it off that it's cold. "Shopping, then food?"

"Yeah," Callum beams, and Ben will never grow tired of seeing that smile. "Sounds good to me."

\- - -

_12TH OF DECEMBER_

_"Babe,"_ Ben shakes Callum's shoulder gently, wanting to wake him but not wanting to startle him.

Callum's all warm, and Ben would _love_ to just jump right back in with him, but there's greater fun to be had.

Ben shakes his shoulder again, and this time, he leans over the bed that bit more to kiss the arch of his shoulder, hoping it'll spark the gears in Callum to wake up.

"Callum? Cal," He kisses there again, and a deep rumble sounds from Callum's chest. "Babe, wake up."

Blinking his eyes open, Callum has a moment of panic, not sure where he is without being in Ben's arms or Ben in Callum's arms. But then his eyes fall on Ben, and his heart settles, smiling that sleepy smile that Ben adores more than anything.

"Hey, you. There's—"

Ben doesn't have the chance to finish as Callum reaches his arms out from under the covers, framing Ben's face to kiss him. Ben has to plant one knee on the bed to keep himself balanced, and for a few minutes he ignores the thing he was going to say in favour of _this._

Callum's soft kisses that move as slow as snowfall, warm hands, an even sweeter smile when he pulls back, one hand moving under Ben's shirt at his shoulder and he's so warm that Ben takes an audible breath.

What he wouldn't do to have this forever.

"Morning." Callum mumbles, head falling back to the pillow.

Ben sighs, a few octaves away from sounding dreamy.

"Not that I'm complaining, but that's not what I woke you up for," since Ben has a habit of doing that and Callum's attuned with it. "Get out of bed."

"What?"

"Come on!" Ben tugs at his hand, and Callum grumbles but follows, curious as to why Ben is telling him to get out of bed rather than staying in it. "Look!"

He points to the window as he pulls back the curtain, and Callum's eyes go wide, a smile following.

It's snowing, heavily, more than the other day.

There's a wide, untouched blanket of snow curving over the hills and fields around Ben's house. It's up to their shins, having changed the landscape entirely overnight. Callum laughs in delight as he places his hand against the window, cold but refreshing as he stands there in awe of the image before him.

"Wow," says Callum, eyes turning to Ben and watching him look out, in awe of it too.

It's not long before a smirk carves Ben's lips.

"Get dressed," says Ben, walking from the window to grab Callum's hoodie, pulling it over his shoulders. "I'll call the others."

Callum stutters, brought back to reality as Ben searches his wardrobe for a thicker coat. 

"What? What's going on?"

Ben walks back over, cupping Callum's face when he reaches him.

"Family tradition."

Family. _Family._

Callum feels elevated all of a sudden, breathing deep as Ben lets go. He doesn't say anything else as he shuts the door behind him, and Callum is left on his own, running his fingers through his hair because _this is really happening._

He's having a Christmas, with family, family he's found all on his own.

\- - -

When Callum manages to make his way outside, zipping his coat up and wiggling his hands into gloves, he's amongst Ben's whole family.

Jay, Lola, Peter and Lexi are all standing in winter gear. Lexi has Toffee with her and a hat that has matching ears to keep her own ears warm. Ben is adjusting her scarf when he notices Callum finally joining them.

He's about to greet everyone when he spots what's behind the gathering.

Two cars, lifted off the ground with suspension you can see under the arches, tyres thick with padding and grip that could only be for off-road adventures. Decals fall down the sides of manufacture names and a little spoiler lip arching up from the boot.

Now it all makes sense.

Ben sees that he's caught on to what they're about to do, leaning up to whisper in Callum's ear.

"You chicken?"

"You — are those what I think they are?" Callum would be lying if he said he wasn't excited.

"They are," Ben claps his hands together, then spreads them wide as he talks. "We're goin' snow drifting. Off-roadin' — whatever you want to call it."

Callum has this big grin like a kid when Ben turns to check his reaction. They've done this every year since Ben moved away from home, and the hills and open stretches are perfect for unleashing these zippy-zappy cars for a bit of fun.

"They're safe. Me and Jay installed roll cages when we were buildin' them. Thought you might want to join in on the fun with us, since you're family now, ain't you?"

Callum lifts his shoulders, the smile he has full of glee and then letting them fall with a breath. These are the things he'll never experience if it weren't for Ben, if it weren't for Ben stumbling into his life and starting what they have now.

"Yeah. Yeah I'd love to."

Ben takes his hand, and Callum squeezes it back as they start to walk to the car with the big number _1_ stuck to the side.

"It's as tall as me!" Says Callum, standing next to it and showing how tall it is. Lexi looks over, laughing as she hugs Toffee to her chest.

"Not as handsome as you though, babe," Ben winks over the bonnet before disappearing round the other side.

Callum only has to take a small step to get in, but Ben has to give himself a little boost to find his way in. Callum tries not to laugh.

"Not a word."

"I didn't say anything," replies Callum, shutting his own door as Ben flips some switches on the dash, inserting the key and twisting.

It takes a moment for the engine to spark, but when it does, it sounds like something hungry, deep yet with a high tone from whatever Ben's put in it to give it that _kick._

"It's gonna' punch a bit, so hold on for the first few minutes until you get used to it," Ben sets the car off slowly, turning it round and heading for the open field, hills in the distance. "I'll let you have a go after, yeah?"

"Oh, maybe?" Callum's only just got used to blue and the power that has, so he's not so sure about this thing and how it barely seems tamed.

Ben allows it to crawl slowly through the snow, making sure everything's okay. "You ready?"

"Uh," Callum grips the handle above him as Ben starts to push the pedal a _little_ more. "No? But yes at the same time?"

Ben laughs.

"Good answer," but Ben reaches over regardless, taking his hand. "I got you. I've always got you."

Callum feels his worry grow numb, replaced by warmth that tingles and spreads.

_You've never been more right, Ben._

As Ben lets go, Callum feels renewed, ready for it, but Ben wasn't lying about the kick.

The car throws snow back, tyres digging it up as Ben grips the wheels tighter, getting ready as the distance between them and the bumps ahead grow shorter and shorter until — time stops.

Speed launches them into the air, engine silent for what feels like minutes as Callum's stomach lifts, making him breathe in like they're defying gravity together for a moment that's theirs.

And then the wheels crash into the snow again, the body of the car crunching under the force, the bonnet shoveling up snow as the car springs up from its modified suspension.

There's no break either as Ben drifts it around a telephone pole, a wall of snow following behind them from the tyres like a tidal wave at the shore. Callum can see Ben's family— _his_ family cheering on from back at the house, the sound of Ben's free laughter beside him.

Callum feels on top of the world.

Ben keeps going, keeps pushing the car through and over jumps, an electrifying thrill every time they're suspended for mere milliseconds that feels like more. Ben always checks on him after each one, Callum with the same smile every time, but it's Callum that finds that one thing to take away from all of this.

Ben behind the wheel, the confidence that radiates from him with every move he makes. The car moves with this grace that wouldn't be considered gentle, but it's tame as the engine grumbles and bites at whatever it can, and Ben controls that like it's his own choir to orchestrate.

He shouldn't have to stop racing, to forget this feeling, to drop what he's found and built all on his own because of Danny. Because of what his family made him do.

Callum wants him to have it all, the glory, the unrivaled joy like some form of love itself as Ben whips the car into another drift, eyes to the mirror as he watches the wall of snow like a kid witnessing snowfall during Christmas.

Ben's name, his past, his fears and doubts all weigh him down. This glory, this sound of metal and gears, fire and grit — it's all Ben's and no one can touch that, not even Callum.

But he knows there's more. There could be so much more.

After Callum has a go — taking it cautious until Ben basically teases him about having to attach learner wheels like you would a bike — he manages to jump the hills a few times, Ben cheering him on.

When they're back at the house, a little out of breath from the adrenaline, Callum excuses himself to go and speak to Jay.

"No, not you too," says Jay, and he thinks that's it until Callum looks confused. "Gifts? For Ben? I ain't helping. I've already had enough of that from him.

"Oh, it's not — it's not about that," Callum quickly glances over his shoulder to see Ben next to Lexi and Lola. He doesn't seem to be interested in whatever Callum and Jay are doing. "I wanted your advice on something, and I can't really ask Ben because it involves him and I don't want to… say it to him just yet."

Jay hums, "Okay. Still sounds like gift advice to me, but go on."

Callum laughs, apologising, completely unaware that Ben's eyes are on him now. He can't hear what the pair of them are saying, but as Peter gets ready to race Ben in the snow cars, Jay and Callum head inside.

Ben can only try and ignore what kind of anxiety that gives him. What is he planning?

\- - -

_20TH OF DECEMBER_

"You'll be fine," laughs Callum, watching Ben readjust his coat collar as they wait.

"This is your Mum, Callum. I want to — whatever. I'm just nervous." Ben taps two fingers against the back of his phone, held in his hand because he needs something physical to ground him. "What if she hates me?"

Callum smiles privately at the words Ben missed out. _I want to make a good impression —_ because Ben and Callum didn't make very good work of their own. 

"Ben," Callum pulls his gaze towards him with a hand on his cheek, smiling brighter when Ben meets his eyes. "She loves you already for how happy you make me."

Ben's jaw parts only to fall closed again, eyes shining with something unsaid, shaking his head like he doesn't believe it, but he _should_ because it's Callum and he's truthful.

He never lies about this, about love.

"No pressure, then?" Ben laughs, trying to push some of the weight from his chest with humour, but the buzz of the airport around them doesn't help.

"None at all," replies Callum. "She'll probably talk your ear off."

Ben smiles, nuzzling into Callum's hand regardless because he's allowed this now.

"I bet she's lovely," Ben finds his eyes now, not being able to stomach the waiting area where Callum's mother will appear any moment now. "I mean, you're lovely, ain't you?"

"Oh, am I?" Callum grins, shuffling on his feet so he can lean forward, kissing Ben's cheek. Ben feels himself lift with the sound of Callum's chuckle against his skin."You're lovely too, when you wanna' be."

"Oi," Ben shoves his chest gently, "You're meant to be the nice one."

Callum is about to reply, but he can see people starting to exit through the gate, and he leaves his hand on Ben's cheek, falling to his shoulder.

Ben swallows, breathing deep from nerves as he shoves his hands into his coat pockets. 

Just like that, though, his brain has a giggle and supplies the terrifying words of _this meeting is one of the steps towards marriage._

_Thanks, brain._

He takes another deep breath, Callum squeezing slightly where he holds him as people walk past them.

Then, like something out of a movie, Callum's mother appears hand in hand with her wife, bright smiles appearing as soon as they meet eyes with Ben and Callum.

"My boy!" She drops her bag as she runs over to Callum, arms wide when they collide, and the way they equally share the same height confirms Ben's theory of everything good coming from that side of the family.

Even their smiles match.

Ben is pulled from playing spot the difference as Callum's mother turns to Ben, silent as she steps closer to him.

"You must be Ben," she says, and Ben's not sure what to make of her tone. _I thought Callum said she liked me?_

"That's — yeah. That's me," and Ben kicks himself. _First impression. This one counts even though I really shouldn't care because when have I ever cared about this?_

_Oh, right. I've never got to this point._

"It's nice to finally meet you, Mrs Highway. Your taste in musicals is… uh — it's great!" Absolutely five stars in Ben's book on first impressions. This is the kindest he's ever been to a complete stranger in his life.

He's thankful for all of their dates at the cottage and that dance he had with Callum for that one.

Ben's got this smile on his face, half fake and half painted by nerves because _holy shit this is something else. Please say something back to me._

Callum watches on, standing next to Delilah as his mother takes hold of one of Ben's hands, gentle as she cups it with both of hers.

"Thank you," she says, eyes brimming with tears as Ben blinks back at her.

What is she thankful for?

Ben stutters, but he's beaten to the punch.

"You make my son very happy, and I can't tell you how much that means to me, that you helped him become who he is now. And yes, he's told me everything, about how you met, how you are now — nobody nor anything is perfect, and if you are as strong as you are now, together as you are, then why would I have any quarrel about that?"

"He makes it easy, Mrs Highway," Ben tries to brush off the praise instead of absorbing it like he usually would. "You have a special son."

"And you are too, young man."

Wow.

Ben glances to Callum over her shoulder, and he's standing there, smiling back at him and nodding as if to say — _yeah, it's all true. I can't shut up about you._

"And Ben?"

That's when he changes his focus back to Callum's mother again, and he's once again floored by how — _comfortable_ he feels all of a sudden. It's as if they've met before, lost now found or meant to be.

"Yes?"

"Call me Anna, okay? You're family to me now."

_Family. Family that isn't his own._

Someone wants him, wants him around, a family that _chooses Ben_ instead of Ben choosing the family. This is what normal people have, connections and people and souls. Memories.

His stomach lifts. He wants to cry but he won't.

Ben swallows, nodding. "Okay."

She pats Ben's hand, turning back to her son and then back to Ben once more.

"Oh! Look at you both!" She cups both of their faces, and Callum starts to chuckle, either from embarrassment or joy, Ben can't seem to tell, both intertwined. "I didn't quite believe it when Callum said he won't be on his own at the airport anymore."

Ben beams, remembering when Callum said. He brought it up the other day, that Anna was coming home for a few days before Christmas. Anna and Deliliah both run that ski resort, and Christmas is no day off when it comes to that.

"Hoping I can be here too, next year," says Ben, surprised at himself, but it's worth it when Callum's eyes become soft, and his smile makes him all warm. Ben winks his way, trying to act all cool about it, but his chest flutters with something unspoken.

"I hope you do!" Anna replies, clapping her hands together. "Next year, you'll have to fly out to us! Bring your family, too."

Ben doesn't know how long he's going to stand here and continue to be floored by the kindness he's receiving, but he laughs and agrees without a second thought.

More hugs are shared before they walk themselves out of the airport, Ben tugging on Callum's sleeve to take him to one side for a moment.

"How much did you tell her?"

Callum smirks, "The part where you stole my car. But then I also went on about your family, Lexi, Lola — pretty much everything."

"And she… Anna didn't say anything against it?"

"No," Callum hums as he looks back to the path ahead, smiling at his mother and Delilah talking. "She laughed at me."

Ben tries not to laugh himself.

"Don't you start!"

"But why did she laugh?"

"Said it sounded just like me, to stumble into trouble rather than run from it. But, she said it happened for a reason, and that even though it might've been scary to hear about the day it happened, it's not so scary now."

Ben thinks he knows what that means. He moves his hand from Callum's sleeve, down until he can intertwine their fingers and squeeze. There's a chill outside.

"To see what's come from it?" Ben might as well try.

Callum nods. Well, bingo.

"Yeah. She said as long as we're happy, that's all that matters to her."

Ben wants to ask — _are you?_ But he's happy himself and the smile that Callum gives him, the squeeze of their hands again but from Callum this time, even the way he brings Ben's hand to his lips to kiss his knuckles — surely he's happy.

But Callum asks instead, ever caring, ever loving.

"Are you? You know, is this all okay? Meeting my Mom doesn't feel like this is too fast or—"

 _"Cal,"_ starts Ben, breathing in as he takes Callum's hand with both of his, narrowly avoiding another person as they stare at each other, not paying attention to where they're walking. "I am. I'm okay, more than okay."

_I'm happy._

Callum breathes, watching it fold outwards in front of him.

"Okay," he says, tilting his head to rest against Ben's as they walk, the decorations hung up on lights twinkling in the early dawn.

Ben can't help but laugh at the cheer Anna lets out when she realises they'll be driving in a supercar on the way home. 

\- - -

_23RD OF DECEMBER_

One of the perks of being head chef at a top restaurant is having the choice to rent the place out for events.

So Callum is here now, working on a buffet worth of food, his mother pitching in to help, Delilah helping as well and including some of her traditional Christmas food from her home back in Norway.

Ben, Lola, Peter, Lexi, Jay and Kathy all wait in the main room, decorated and pinned with golden, warm decorations and fairy lights, the gentle hum of classics from years gone by twirling through the speakers.

The frost on the windows outside of the restaurant makes the entire establishment cozy, a section of peace away from the brittle weather outside as Ben's family talk and reminisce on the year that's now coming to a close.

Pip makes her entrance with Whitney, Chantelle and Bobby, cheering as the German Shepherd walks all proud with her reindeer antlers and bells.

Ben finds it adorable, and has the thought to take a group picture before this is all over. Who would've thought he'd be so sentimental about all of this one day.

As the evening continues and the room fills with the hearty smell of food from the kitchen, Ben excuses himself as Anna and Deliliah leave the kitchen, placing down some potatoes, vegetables and an assortment of other sides as they announce the food being ready.

Ben pushes past the kitchen door, inhaling the smell before exhaling at the sight of Callum. He's just untying his apron when he spots Ben, and Ben can't help himself.

"Oh, starting the show early are we?"

Callum clicks his tongue, "Behave."

Ben laughs, eyes bright even in the low light of the settling kitchen, hands firm on Callum's stomach as he leans up to kiss him.

"Thank you," Ben whispers. "For doing this for me and my family."

"I've always wanted to do this," Callum hugs one arm around Ben's waist, lifting his hand up to brush it through Ben's hair, tender and comforting. "Cooking for everyone, both of our families. I used to feel so alone and now — we're not anymore. We both have each other, everyone."

Ben looks over his face, how the twinkle of the lights above frame the blue of Callum's eyes in gold. This man is his, he's in love and he knows in his heart that it won't change. 

He'll love this man for as long as fate will allow him to.

Gripping Callum's shirt between his fingers, he tugs gently to brush noses before kissing once more, a slight sway to how they hold each other as the gentle voice of music mumbles through the thin wall.

"All I want for Christmas," Callum murmurs against his lips, following on with the words without singing. 

Ben kisses him again, allowing the lyrics to finish themselves without Callum's voice making his heart molten.

_I don't want a lot for Christmas — this is all I'm asking for._

\- - -

Lexi cheers as she wins a cracker pull with Ben. Callum can see he didn't put any effort in so she could win. He's known Ben's competitive side more than anyone else, and it's adorable how much Ben becomes this _huge_ softie around this little source of light.

Kathy and Anna amuse themselves, and to the boys' relief, get along really well. Unfortunately for Ben and Callum, that amusement comes from telling stories about the boys as kids, mishaps and adventures and everything they can possibly remember.

Ben sits next to Callum, leaning back on his chair as Callum's arm sits behind him, his thumb tickling gently up and down the back of Ben's neck in a comforting manner. If it weren't for the full tummy, he'd be snuggling closer, keeping that smile as both of their families merge into one.

Callum must sense what he's thinking because he turns his head as Jay and Peter argue over the best Christmas film, Whitney and Chantelle talking with Anna and Delilah.

Ben lifts his gaze slightly, meeting Callum, and his thumb moves from his neck to his cheek and it tickles.

"You okay?"

Ben nods, speechless, unable to find words for how — _normal_ this all feels, how comforting it is to be in the presence of family and those you hold close. This is what people do, what Ben didn't think he could have.

Now he does.

Callum kisses his forehead, then again because he doesn't want to let go just yet.

When Callum's gaze returns to the table and whoever is speaking, Ben's eyes fall on Kathy.

She's smiling at Ben, heart on her sleeve as a tear rolls down her cheek. Ben's about to ask if she's alright, but she's nodding, mouthing _I'm so happy for you,_ slowly so Ben can read her lips.

Ben feels it, the pressure in his chest, the pressure that's been there since he sat down with Callum and looked around at all the souls. He's not alone, no longer a lone wolf sent to do errands, but a boyfriend, a son, a _man_ who can love and _be_ loved.

_Thank you._

Ben mouths that back, and Kathy blows him a kiss. Callum doesn't catch it, caught laughing at Anna and Peter talking about whatever it is they are. Ben missed it.

It doesn't matter.

He closes his eyes, resting his head on Callum's shoulder and allowing his heart's choir to sing freely.

He's more than home. He's human.

\- - -

_24TH OF DECEMBER_

_We better be off to bed! Santa's coming!_

Lexi's voice rings through the house, bounding her way upstairs with Toffee clutched in one hand.

Ben excuses himself with Lola to send her off to sleep, and it gives Callum time to open a plastic sleeve from his bag, smiling as he takes out the memory.

He frames it, clicking the locks on the back and walking over to the fireplace.

Anna and Delilah are already back home, having booked a flight back this morning. It's been good to see them, and Callum's excited about spending the whole Christmas period with them next year.

When Ben arrives at the bottom of the stairs alone, he walks past the wall they kissed against that one night, promising nothing more than a night and tumbling down this path to where they stand now.

He walks back over to Callum, arms across his chest as he notices the picture in the frame.

"Do you think it's okay there? Or do you want me to… to put it somewhere else?" Callum seems anxious as he stands beside him, arms crossed too and hunching his shoulders.

"Looks like it was meant to be," says Ben, smiling when he feels Callum's gaze fall on him.

Ben is too busy looking over the photo from that dinner, Callum standing with Anna and Delilah, his arm around Ben as Lexi stands in front of them. Pip sits with her reindeer antlers next to Lexi, Kathy, Lola and Jay off to the side next to Ben with Peter there too. Chantelle and Whitney stand near Callum, wearing their own set of reindeer antlers. It's a family photo to be proud of.

Framed in silver, the warm reds and white lights in the background make everything about it feel special, unique, precious.

It sits with other photos Ben's put on the fireplace, ones of Ben, Callum and Pip from the road trip.

But there's an empty space, and Ben bites his lip in thought about what could possibly be missing in their life that they haven't documented for eternity yet.

He turns, picking up a glass reindeer Lexi picked out the other week, placing it in the middle for now.

"There," Ben hugs Callum's waist from behind as he steps back towards him, chin on his shoulder. "Better."

"Yeah," Callum places his hands on Ben's, warm against his stomach. "You know, I think we're doing this relationship thing pretty okay."

"It doesn't feel like one to me," says Ben, and he feels Callum grow tense in his arms. "Not like that. Sorry — I worded that wrong."

"It's okay," Callum turns his head to hear him better, Ben looking up to his eyes. "What did you mean?"

"It feels… uh. _Fuck._ You know I'm not good at this, it sounds cheesy."

"Ben, come on," Callum turns around more now, half turned to him so he can lift and place his arm around Ben's shoulders. "We sat around a table with our Mum's talking about embarrassing stories of us as kids. I don't think whatever you have to say can beat that."

"That a challenge?"

"Ben!"

"Alright! Okay," he takes a deep breath. "It feels normal to me. Like — I don't have to _think_ about that we're in a relationship, we just are. I — I really like that."

Callum nods, knocking their foreheads together gently.

"That wasn't cheesy at all," and he's about to say more, but Ben cuts in.

"Leave it," Ben goes to push him away, but Callum wraps him completely in his arms, thankful that Ben doesn't sound sad, but teasing. "I'm returning your present."

Callum laughs, kissing his cheek multiple times until Ben gives in and relaxes in his hold.

"It was perfect," finishes Callum, and Ben wrinkles his nose at him. "It feels that way for me too. I can just be me, you know? I don't have to pretend to make you happy, or — I don't know. I just like what we have, I _love_ what we have."

Ben nods, agreeing, his arms looping around Callum's waist as he leans against him, head falling to his chest.

He watches the clock tick past midnight, and Ben sighs with relief that he's made it to Christmas, that he hasn't managed to lose him before the promised first one together.

"Merry Christmas, Ben."

Ben smiles at the voice of Callum, feeling the vibrations from his chest.

"Merry Christmas to you, Cal," and with that, he steps back only to lean in again as they share their first kiss on Christmas Day for the first time.

It's another first, one that has Callum smiling and pulling Ben closer with his arms.

When they part, Callum mumbles.

"We better get to bed, big man's on the way."

"Excuse me? Big man? What are you doing waiting up for him when you got me?" Ben eyes him, but it's not long before he breaks into a smile that has Callum belly laughing.

"Why do you have to make everything into that!" 

"I'm not!"

 _"Get to bed! Or Santa won't come!"_ Lexi shouts from the top of the stairs, and both of them stand still like they've just been caught doing something they shouldn't.

They stay still until Ben can't help the laughter, trying to keep it in as he takes Callum's hand, leading him upstairs to face the wrath of Lexi.

"I'm sorry Princess," he says, kneeling down to kiss her forehead. "Was just making sure we left a carrot for his reindeers."

"Okay," she says, rubbing her eyes. All the excitement has turned to exhaustion. "Goodnight Daddy, goodnight Callum."

"Goodnight Lexi." Callum feels his heart soar.

Ben wants to hug her tight, to somehow thank her for her own choice in accepting Callum.

After tucking her back in, Ben shuts her door quietly, creeping back into his own bedroom where Callum is brushing his hands through his hair to get it all soft.

"She okay?"

"Yeah, she's out like a light." Ben falls onto the bed on his back with a huff. "Big guy gets all the credit for my work."

"It's nice, to be honest." Callum crawls under the cover to get comfy.

"That I'm not getting any credit? Traitor."

"Well, yeah." Callum rolls his eyes when Ben tips his head back to frown at him. "Let me finish."

Ben chuckles, "Poor choice of words."

Callum sighs, and Ben thinks he's got away with it until he reaches over, tickling him, making Ben giggle with some sort of evil tone like Callum has to admit that was a good one.

"You done?" Callum says it in such a light, giggly tone that Ben feels as if he's won regardless.

"Sorry," but Ben is still laughing until he stops himself. "What were you gonna' say?"

Callum sits back, and then decides to slip under the covers, resting on his elbows.

"I'm the youngest in my family so I was the last one to believe. I haven't felt that magic in a long time since I don't have any relatives or friends with kids. Seeing Lexi all excited and being all _Santa's coming, so we gotta' go to bed_ is just something special to me," Callum shrugs. "Maybe I'm too soft."

"No," Ben understands now. "That makes sense."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Ben's smirk grows ever brighter. "But if you want me to dress up in a big red suit to make you believe—"

"No! Stop!" Callum shoves him, tickling him again until they fall into a heap of limbs and goodnight kisses and snores.

\- - -

_CHRISTMAS DAY_

Ben wakes up in a different world, suspended in this warmth and peace he hasn't felt in years. He knows what today is, and he's not sure why time feels so slow but it is.

Callum's fingertips arch up and over his shoulder, then back down to his spine. Ben's laying on his stomach, hugging the pillow as he slowly wakes up.

Ben can feel Callum smile against his shoulder when he kisses there, and when Ben turns to meet him, their eyes fall over each other's faces, content and happiness reflected back at them.

Callum wishes him a Merry Christmas, laughing when Ben mumbles it back, barely audible.

"Five minutes," says Ben, pulling Callum closer, and Callum allows his arms to easily fall around him. "Lexi isn't up yet."

They manage four minutes of peace and comfort before Lexi is announcing to the whole house that Santa's been.

Callum keeps brushing his hand through Ben's hair regardless.

"Time to go," Callum kisses his temple.

"Mmm," Ben replies, pushing himself up despite wanting to stay. The more time he spends here, the more he'll convince himself today doesn't exist and it's just him and Callum. "Are you looking forward to today?"

"I am," and Callum is happy that he can say that. "You?"

Ben hums as he leans back down, kissing him quick before forcing himself out of bed.

"I am too," says Ben, pulling a hoodie over his head, comfy bottoms on afterwards. "Can't wait to see what you think of my gift."

Callum goes still, and when he does eventually sit up, Ben worries about the face he's pulling.

"Uh — I've got you something but it's not much." Callum scratches at the side of his neck, smiling awkwardly when Ben sits down at his side of the bed.

"Callum, it's not about that. I'm just — I'm happy we're here, together." Ben shrugs, wanting to reach out but this moment feels fragile, and he needs to say this. For himself _and_ for Callum. _"God,_ when we were fighting and we had that split after the holiday, I thought I'd fucked it all up, that I'd never see you again. But here you are, in my bed on Christmas morning, in love with me somehow."

"You're right, but—" Callum takes his hand as Ben goes to shush him. "Ben— I meant the real thing I got you isn't here yet. Not until the new year. So the thing under the tree is just… something small. I wanted you to open at least something from me."

Ben smiles, and he has no idea why the thought of Callum trying to find _something_ for him makes his heart elevate.

"Did the delivery mess up? That's bad."

"Not exactly," laughs Callum, and he's itching to tell Ben, but he can't. He needs to wait for reasons he knows will come to light soon.

"Okay," Ben decides not to question it to save himself. "Come on, then. Princess is waiting for us."

Callum nods, making his way out of bed as the sound of life begins downstairs. People mingling, music playing. It's nice.

Ben waits for him to get dressed before heading downstairs together and Ben's house is alive with the magic of the season, Lexi running around with Pip, Jay and Peter gaming on the console as they wait, and Kathy already stressing about the dinner.

"Ben," Callum tugs him into the kitchen where Kathy is. "My mom wanted to gift something to your family."

And that's when Callum hauls the box from under the stairs that Callum said he wasn't allowed to touch until today, bringing it into the kitchen where he starts to unfold the flaps.

Expensive champagne, wine, and tickets to two weeks of skiing lessons valid for next year.

"Oh, look at this!" Kathy's excited about the tickets, but Ben lifts out the champagne like it's something sacred.

"I love your Mom," says Ben, leaving it on the side to pull out the other two bottles.

Callum keeps near him as they move around, and when Kathy kisses Callum's cheek as a thank you, asking him to thank Anna for her, he smiles and says _sure._

Ben is about to pull Callum back into the room where everyone else is, but the gentleman that he is decides to stay and help Kathy with the dinner.

 _"Not that you aren't great!_ I just remember my Mom being stressed around this time and I wanted to help," he says in his defense, and Kathy chuckles, telling him no harm done.

Ben leaves Callum and Kathy to chat, heading back out as Lola greets him. They talk about things, mostly about Lexi's gifts as she entertains Pip, but it falls into conversation about the future, about the new year.

Or, his new year with Callum.

He tries not to think about it, and it's easy when Kathy and Callum arrive to start opening presents now that the food's cooking. 

One of Callum's favourite gifts is what Lexi gifts him, which is a picture keyring of herself, Pip, Callum and Ben for his car keys. He puts it on straight away, giving thanks to Lexi in the form of a big hug. 

Before long, it's Callum's turn to hand out his gift.

Callum passes one to Ben, and the way Ben slows down, holding it as if it's something fragile, it makes Callum a bit emotional.

He just hopes he likes it.

Ben peels back the paper, unsure, but when his fingers feel the fabric, he smiles, looking at Callum as if to say _of course you have._

He's always complaining about how cold it is.

It's a deep red scarf with lines to match that red coat, knitted by hand, cozy and soft. He brings it up to his face to feel it, and for a moment he smells Callum.

"Did you make this?"

"I did," Callum scratches at the back of his neck. "My mom taught me when I was little. Haven't really had a chance to use it yet."

Ben places it around his neck as Callum talks, his body already reacting as the warmth of it soothes him. He loves it, more than he thought he would. Picturing Callum sitting at home, spending hours knitting and creating this, it touches Ben.

"This is lovely, Cal," Ben leans over to kiss him quick. "But I'm still gonna' huddle with you for warmth."

Callum laughs, nodding. "I don't mind at all, but even if I'm not there, you'll be warm."

Ben swallows at those words, taking Callum's hand like he needs the reassurance that he _is_ there, warm and close. He breathes out when Callum settles closer to him, bumping into his side. 

"Want you to be here, though," Ben whispers between them, a secret almost. "Don't want you to leave like I made you do last time."

"You won't," Callum says, firm. Ben believes it. "I won't."

They watch the others open gifts for now, Ben playing with the scarf in his lap, his fingers feeling how soft it is, holding Callum's hand underneath it.

Soon, it's Ben's turn.

Ben buys Callum a car air freshener, jokingly, and pats Callum's back when he offers his real gift from behind his back.

Callum peels back the paper, excited, but his heart stops, pushing against his ribs when he sees what it is.

It's a photo album.

Callum can't quite bring himself to open it. When he brushes his thumb across the cover, Callum finds himself tearing up at the thought of Ben thinking of this.

_BEN AND CALLUM_

"I spent so long trying to decide what to buy you, and when you said that everything you've ever wanted is here, I thought about this," Ben taps the cover. "I ain't used to any of this, but I — uh."

Ben realises he's saying all of this in front of family, and he turns to see watching eyes, even Jay seeming a bit choked up about it.

"I wanted to give you something personal that's just ours," and then Ben gestures to everyone. _"Ours."_

Callum turns to him, smiling, and Ben smiles too.

"I helped!" Lexi announces, Callum laughing as he turns the first page. 

He expects something recent, but the first picture is of himself, Ben, Lexi and Pip when they were first friends. The first ever picture.

In fact, it's every picture they've taken minus a few, from friendship to the holiday, to the block in time where they weren't together. Instead of blank spaces for that moment in time, it's pictures of Ben from when he was working on the car, a before and after, and then photos from the trip. There's more pictures than Callum thought there would be.

Lexi has small little doodles on each page, Pip drawn in crayon and car stickers in places.

And the thing that makes Callum break? The blank pages. Lots of them. Almost half the book.

"To fill in," Ben says as Callum reaches the end of the pictures, staring at the first blank. "Hopefully."

Callum nods, wiping away a tear with the back of his hand, "Yeah! Yeah, I'd love that."

Ben feels nervous even now because Callum isn't saying anything. Oh _god,_ he hates it. His little idea because of what Callum said completely missed the mark.

"Ben, I—" Callum closes the book, thumb brushing over their names again. He's never thought of having this, a memory book, a keepsake for the future, a conversation to new people about their journey.

Their memories are worth keeping, worth remembering, worth printing.

"Sorry it's not—" Ben starts, and he's floored when Callum takes his hand, pulling him into a hug.

Ben's hands hover near him, unsure, and then it's natural to hug back, Callum relaxing from the tears he's holding back.

"Thank you," he whispers, turning his face into Ben's neck, the rest of the family falling back into conversation to give them some time. "No one's ever done this for me before. I — never thought I was worth remembering, or that I'd make memories worth something like this."

Ben kisses his cheek, feeling the moment Callum's chest rattles, strangling a sob.

"I thought it'd be lame, you know? Bunch of pictures in a book," he laughs, and it makes Callum laugh too. "That was until Lexi said something when I finished it."

"What?" Callum pulls back, hands falling to Ben's, holding them softly. 

"We've come a long way in such a short time," Ben moves a hand to hold the back of his head. "Not her words exactly, in fact, she said it's barely been a year and yet it feels like longer."

"It does."

"Then she asked me something else," Ben brushes his thumb over Callum's knuckles with his other hand. "That if we'd do this again next year, fill out more pages, have dates in the park and milkshakes every week at that diner."

Callum nods, and his heart sings at the thought of it, butterflies too.

"I think we will."

"That ain't a yes, Callum," Ben nudges him. "I need a yes."

"Always," Callum replies, cupping his face to kiss him, and this feels like something else, a _yes_ that isn't a yes to what Ben's asking.

Ben tries not to think about it when they part, smiling as Callum does, hugging again because he feels safe in Callum's arms.

The food goes down well, paper hats and crackers pulled. Family movies play after until Lexi is fast asleep against Ben, and he takes her upstairs to tuck her in. 

When Ben heads back down, they're all laughing at a movie they've put on, and Ben walks over to Callum, fitting back into his arms like he was before, a warm beverage passed to him by none other than Callum.

Even Ben, as time rolls on, falls asleep against Callum, helped by the comforting touches, the warm lights above, and the crackle of the fire as it burns.

It's just them when Ben wakes up, blinking his eyes open to see Callum looking over some pictures from the book.

"I'm glad you like it," says Ben, hand coming to rest on his chest. "I mean, I _did_ build you an entire car."

"I know," he chuckles, and Ben smiles as he feels that sound against him. "This is perfect Ben, honestly. It's — it's thoughtful."

"Another word for lacking."

"Stop that," Callum kisses his hair, hugging him closer. "Look at us." He points to the photo on the trip, Ben taking the picture over his shoulder towards Callum, thumbs up towards the camera and Pip beside him. The red of the picnic blanket is the one they picked out from Callum's family cottage.

"That was a good day," Ben replies, adjusting himself so he can look down, hand moving across the page. "We're good, ain't we?"

"Yeah," Callum turns the page again, taking his phone out and bringing up the family picture from the other day. "We're something special."

Ben nods, closing his eyes.

"Thank you," starts Callum, quietly. "For today."

"Hmm?"

"For allowing me to spend it with your family," Callum closes the book, palm brushing across the surface. He can't get over it.

The heavy crown on his head, the demons in his shadow, the reputation that's not his own — _that_ Ben sat down with his daughter and made a photo album.

Callum's struggling to keep the tears in, that this means Ben wants them, wants them to last, wants them to be something more than just another.

He's the only one. Forevermore.

He's broken from his thoughts by Ben's hands on his face, his thumb wiping away a stray tear.

 _"Your_ family."

Callum blanks. Sure, that's what he said—

_Oh._

It's hard to hold it back now, the small wobble his lip does before he sighs.

"I love you," Callum breaks at the end, sniffing. "I love you, so so much."

"I know," Ben nods, foreheads together before tipping his chin to kiss him, a press of lips that lasts seconds before Ben tips his chin back down. "I love you."

"Merry Christmas, Ben."

"Yeah," he nods, like yeah, it really is. It's the best it's ever been. "Merry Christmas to you too, sunshine."

Callum laughs, wiping away the moisture from his eyes with the back of his wrist. "Do you like that name?"

"What, sunshine?"

"Yeah, you used to say it like an insult."

"You're always smiling," Ben explains. "It fits. Plus, you're always _warm."_

Ben snuggles into him, and Callum's arms rest around his shoulders as Ben's hands find his back.

"I guess it does fit," Callum says. "I should find one for you."

"Sexy."

"No," laughs Callum.

"You don't think I am?" Ben sounds so comical it makes Callum feel fleeting.

"You know that's not what I meant."

Ben gasps, "So you _do_ think I'm sexy!"

"Stop! You're so embarrassing," Callum hides his face in his hair, and Ben laughs, giving him mercy with a pat to the stomach.

"Can we, uh — stay here a bit?" Ben sounds like he did at the date, under the tree. Now, though, he sounds a bit more relaxed, and he doesn't feel tense in Callum's hold at all.

"Mmm."

"I don't want this day to be over yet," Ben watches the fire crackle, and Callum pulls the blanket off the back of the chair to pull over them.

And they sit, warm and safe beyond anything they've ever felt. Callum's worth it. They're both worth the journey they've been on.

The new year is an entirely new path.

Ben, resting in Callum's arms has no idea of the year ahead.

And boy, what a year it'll be.


	24. seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this should've been in the original 21 chapters but it never really fit for me until now but i cant plan or write at all so please forgive me...
> 
> it's also entirely a ben chapter and i've loved writing it. please let me know what you think!
> 
> tw for alcohol, implied homophobia
> 
> stay safe out there everyone!

Ben can't hear the fireworks, a dull thudding sound, cheers ringing louder around them as everyone toasts to a new beginning.

Callum's hands are covering Ben's ears, warm and protective as they kiss, bringing in the year with sweet and tender brushes of lips, the gentle sway of their bodies as Ben grips his hands wide on the plain of Callum's back.

Whitney and Chantelle clink their glasses together, kissing sweet, arms around each other as their smiles spread wide, chuckling with jokes the lads can't hear.

Ben's surrounded by family, the crackle of the fire near them as the fireworks on the TV from the capital dance to music, favourites from the year.

Ben would usually watch it, sometimes he wouldn't, sometimes he would drive anywhere and nowhere to see them punch the sky and the stars around him. He did it alone, wished upon a star alone, and somehow it's changed.

He's kissing someone as the clock strikes twelve, he's in love with someone as the bigger fireworks thunder across the sky. Callum holds him closer, tips his chin up a little so Ben has to chase, but it's so he has room to speak.

_ "Happy New Year,"  _ Callum whispers, and Ben doesn't hear it, but he watches his lips, reads them and the smile he gives to Ben as he bounces on his tiptoes, making him ever taller.

"Happy New Year, sunshine," Ben replies, foreheads thumping together before his chin tips up, catching Callum's lips again, kissing him like it'll be the most memorable one they'll have all year.

_ How wrong he is. _

How does Ben say it? How does he say he'd literally walk through fire for the man in his arms? For the man that kisses him with so much life and gold that he can't possibly explain it in words?

Ben's been over this with himself, that Callum is this heart he can't seem to understand but  _ god —  _ it understands Ben and somehow Ben's happy with that. It's all he'll ever need, knowing Callum loves him as much as he does.

But as the party mellows out, the kisses stop and the fireworks nothing but new stars in the sky — Ben's stomach turns. He knows what's coming, what this new year means.

Callum hasn't dared ask about it, going about his day, going back to work, coming home to Ben and hoisting him up onto the kitchen counter with a hushed whisper of  _ god — I've missed you, so much  _ because they'd spent the whole last quarter of last year together. They're magnets, pulled together, aching when they're apart. Ben thought he'd tire of the waiting game after a week, but every time Callum comes home he finds himself taking those steps towards him to greet him, or lounging in a way that invites Callum closer.

They're each other's kryptonite, so to speak, but each other's boundless strength at the same time.

It makes his head spin, his heart yearn.

Ben's still not used to texting it.  _ When are you coming home?  _ He really thought Callum would correct him, to say it's not his home and that Callum's real home is the cottage they spend every other weekend in — but he never does.

He always texts back. Always replies. Always leaves kisses at the end of his texts and Ben sinks against the island in his kitchen one day, phone to his chest.

It seems like something a protagonist would do in a movie, to swoon over their fateful partner, to stare at the ceiling in silence and count the seconds until they're home — but he does.

Things only make sense when Callum is there, when Ben can turn around and see him smile, when he's there with Lexi baking cookies, when he's there with his hand on his chest and gazing at him like the secret of the universe is somehow in  _ Ben. _

How does anyone ever explain that?

Ben doesn't always sit at home counting the seconds. He's working on cars, starting his business, working out a plan for  _ Danny. _

Jay keeps low, keeps going out at night with the plan of tracking routes, finding gossip, seeing if anyone is metaphorically shaking the table to try and overturn Danny and his pack of dogs.

It circles his head like a drift, fogs his mind, makes his ears hurt from the thoughts of going through with this — and then it stops. When that door opens, when Callum's voice sounds, when Callum holds him into the dead of night, kissing softly at his jaw — that's when it all stops.

He can have this forever, their forever, when Ben is free of his demons, when he's free of the past that haunts his name and always lingers.

Ben's sure that Callum doesn't bring it up because he knows it'll only snap the thin veil of peace they have, but Callum can sense it. Ben's about to break because of the nerves, at the feeling that this is where it all starts to go wrong and he'll lose him.

It's only one night, another week going by, that Callum asks.

They're in bed, Ben laying beside him with his arm reaching towards the headboard. He's been looking up at the ceiling in silence for what feels like hours.

"How's it going?" Is not the best he could come up with, but it's a start.

Ben eyes him from below, looking at his face and then down Callum's arm. He'd pull him down on top of him to avoid this conversation entirely, but they need to talk. Not talking was the reason Ben lost him all of those months ago.

"About what?" Playing dumb might not be the best route to take, but it's all Ben can play with.

"Danny."

His name sends such an uncomfortable feeling down his spine. Callum being aware that it's bound to happen and the fact they're making a move soon, it's all too much.

Ben sighs, using his hand not at the pillow to brush his face, fingers scratching at the stubble on his cheek.  _ Fuck it. _

Sitting up, Callum startles, hands moving up to hold Ben as he moves onto his lap. Callum still has that worried expression when Ben pulls the covers up and around them, leaning forward so he can cross his arms against Callum's chest.

"Don't say that fuckers name in our bed, Cal," Ben glances over his face, his mood turning sour. "It's fine. You don't need to worry about it."

"I'm still coming with you," Callum replies, hands settling on the base of Ben's spine. "You can't change that."

"I know," Ben moves three fingertips up and down the center of Callum's chest, eyes dropping to where they are. "You're as stubborn as me now. Rubbin' off on you."

"No, Ben," Callum brings his head up, and his expression is nothing but stern when Ben looks back. "I care about you. I'm not gonna' let him walk all over you like he did before."

"Calculated mistake. Got you back in my arms, didn't it?"

Callum scoffs, aware of what this is. If Ben acts sharp, makes himself untouchable, then maybe no harm will come to him. He doesn't need to do that around Callum, to think everything will go wrong.

"We do this together or not at all," Callum pulls him closer from where he holds Ben, and Ben has to close his eyes and drop his head to the side in defeat. Callum knows him now, knows him to sense when he's trying to raise those walls. "That's the deal — but even without a deal, I just want to. I wanna' be there with you."

Ben opens his eyes at first to Callum's shoulder, then to his neck, then to his lips and finally his eyes. He straightens his head, thinks for a moment, and then raises one hand from Callum's chest to hold Callum's cheek. His stubble has grown out a bit more, having ignored it over the holidays.

"And what if I lose it all? What if I can't beat it?" Ben almost looks sad now, feeling as if he already has, that he will.

"Then we win it back," Callum moves to hold the back of his head, replacing that chilling tingle with something warm and soothing. "You don't give up."

"I do."

"You didn't give up on me."

Ben looks away. He's right.

"I — I tried to," starts Ben, hand falling to Callum's chest again. "God knows I tried. Didn't work. I always came back to you."

"We'll always  _ be, _ that's just a fact, Ben," Callum kisses his cheek, soft and gentle as a butterfly's wing. Ben leans into him, even more so when Callum uses that hold on his head to  _ keep  _ kissing him there. "We'll get through this, every single obstacle, because that's what we do, what we've always done."

As Callum leans back, Ben follows, forehead against his until Ben decides he needs to kiss him, to kiss his forehead so his lips don't speak the warmth that flows through his veins.

"Okay," Ben breathes, breathing deep again when Callum's hand brushes up, through his hair. "We got this."

"Yeah," Callum kisses him, finally. "I got you."

\- - -

_ GAME DAY _

Jay figures it out.

Over the last two weeks, he's been racing for information, winning people over, whispering in ears and spreading the sparks of change. 

Even Callum helped, taking blue after work, getting his name on the ladder. Ben was worried it'd come back to bite them, but Danny doesn't even know  _ who  _ Callum is. He doesn't know his name, only the split second memory of his face before his knuckles locked with his jaw.

Sometimes, Callum sees Danny. He stands amongst others, guards, his pity parade because on his own he's fair game to anyone here. He makes himself  _ look  _ powerful, but Callum knows differently.

Especially during one night where Callum fills in for Jay in finding information.

Callum races across the finish line multiple times, has the crowd cheering his name over the bass of music, a rising rookie nipping at the heels of royalty. Little do they know he's been taught by one.

And it was that night, stepping out of his car after winning the final race of the night that Callum locked eyes with him. Danny looked back, his expression too neutral for Callum to deduct, but Callum made sure his own could be read by  _ anyone. _

_ I'm coming for you. _

Callum keeps his hood up, stays quiet, allows his driving to do the talking because he  _ wins  _ and it feels good. Ben's been a good teacher, more than good, and now he can hold his own in this metal wilderness.

Ben doesn't know whether to find it worrying or attractive that he's winning so much, but as long as he comes home, arriving with that big grin and a kiss to Ben's lips — there's no complaining.

If anything, it feels like Callum is his little secret, winning those races for him and Danny has no idea. It makes it feel as if they've already won.

There's still work to be done. Work for Ben to do, and finish.

Jay knows when and where Danny will be. They have the perfect event, the perfect set up. 

There's just one thing left to do.

"What are you gonna' drive?" Callum asks, stepping outside the house and sitting down next to Ben on the porch step.

He's staring ahead of them, at Callum's blue car, thinking.

"I got somethin' special for Danny," Ben replies, but his expression doesn't change.

"You don't look too sure about it."

The event is tonight. Ben needs to be sure.

He's biting the tip of his thumb, going over Callum's words in his head because no, he isn't sure about it. Knowing what he'll have to drive to sink the blade further into Danny's reign is what scares him.

The sound haunts him.

"Ben?" Callum places two fingers on his wrist, then slowly holding his wrist entirely when Ben doesn't flinch away. "Talk to me."

Ben braves a smile, a quick flash before he's standing up.

"Can you — can you drive me there?" Asks Ben.

"To the event?" Callum looks up to Ben from where he remains sitting on the step.

"No," Ben pulls out a set of car keys from his other pocket, seemingly frozen when he makes eye contact with them. "I need you to drive me somewhere."

Callum sits in the silence before pushing himself up, meeting Ben's eyes when he's at full height. He looks nervous.

He's not sure if Ben is afraid of the event, meeting Danny again, or the possibility of this going wrong again. Callum just knows he has to be here for him.

"I'll drive you."

\- - -

Ben is quiet, too quiet.

Callum wants to switch on the radio but it doesn't feel polite, not when Ben's leg bounces with anxiety, looking out the window as day turns to night.

He didn't even say anything when they got into the car, simply handing over a piece of paper, pencil used to write the address in haste.

It's been ten minutes, and the only noise is from guidance telling Callum to turn left or right. Ben seems to register the world again when the lady voices where they should head next.

The silence remains that way until they stop at a red light, Ben glancing out the window to see people walking about, some even stumbling from early drinks or the cheers of a pub crawl. 

"When this is done," Ben starts, and his voice startles Callum. "I'm having a night with you."

Callum blinks.

"What?"

"Together. We go out in the town, have drinks, have food, go see a show and whisper to each other between," Ben sinks back into his chair, his hand against the window, fingertips gentle against the glass. "Then we go home, if we make it home, and we stay awake. You hold me like you do, and you don't let go."

Callum's not sure Ben's ever been so vague about it before, what they get up to behind closed doors, but for some reason Ben is choosing to voice it that way.

His curious nature wins the better of him.

"I'd want that, yeah, but — where is this coming from?" Callum stares until the reflection of the green light paints the dashboard, and Callum sets off again.

"I said I didn't think I could do this with my demons still after me. So, when they're over, I want every second I lost. I want that first night with you," Ben glances at Callum, watching as his hand grips the wheel tighter. He wants this just as much as Ben. "I can be the man you deserve."

"You already are," says Callum, stern, and it feels like a physical push to Ben. "Don't act like these past few months have been nothing. You love me like there's nothing to stop you, and  _ god,  _ the times we had in that holiday, the tent, you can't tell me you were living in fear then?"

Ben swallows, "No. It was — proof."

"Proof?"

"That when this is over there's nothing I want more," Ben finds himself scratching against his heart, feeling hot with how much it burns.

There's a chain reaction down to the root of Callum's soul that makes him want to stop the car, to reach over and have Ben say it again. He doesn't know how many times they've promised each other some sort of forever, but having it this close is something so rare, so unimaginable for Callum that it pains him he can't reply. Not yet.

Because they're here.

Ben doesn't seem to wait for a reply, either, content in the silence for now because Callum replying whatever he was going to say will only pull Ben back from doing this.

Callum turns into a barn, old and dusted. It reminds him of the time Ben first told him of where to find blue, the car he's driving now.

It feels like years ago, having driven and walked and ran down so many roads since then.

Ben hovers in some sort of suspense, taking his keys out of his pocket and staring at them. Callum looks over, one hand still on the wheel at 12, and watches Ben seemingly curse them with his glare.

"Is there something to this car?" Asks Callum, and it's in that moment, startled, that Ben grips the keys into a fist.

"It has history," Ben clicks the handle of the door with thumb and forefinger. "We're fighting to free me from that history tonight. It feels — backwards."

Callum stares at where Ben once sat in the passenger seat, trying to figure out the puzzle on his own. He can't. He only knows  _ some  _ of what Ben did, the miles he had to run to satisfy greedy mouths.

He steps out, lingering at the door as Ben walks heavy steps towards the barn. Callum can see he's tense, but then his shoulders gain this lift, this sudden shift of aura like he would do back then knowing he's  _ going to work. _

Ben switches everything else off when it comes to this car. He needed to.

He clicks the lock on the door, pockets the padlock and kicks the door by moving one foot forward to push it open.

There's a moment where Ben hovers at the door, a deep breath, and then he's walking inside, Callum following after he jogs to catch up.

When he's inside, Callum looks around. There's some tables, some tools, maps and plans for engine parts and drivetrains. On closer inspection, he can see it's Ben's handwriting, mapping improvement, making changes.

Ben knows this room too well to take in the details because he's too busy staring at the machine covered by a grey sheet. His hands shake with nerves, a twitch in his heart that makes him feel as if he's going to be sick.

"This was the car," Ben starts, looking to Callum as he finally steps beside him. "Danny gave this to me. Told me to use it for jobs. To race."

_ Oh. That's why. _

Callum shuffles on the spot, switching which leg he leans his weight on.

"What about the other car? Your car?" He's on about the one Callum knew him for, mean looking and a split of Ben's personality. 

"That was just mine. I have favourites, I guess," Ben laughs, scratching the back of his neck. "Helped me split work from… home. I could just shut everything else off when I drove this one."

Callum looks back to the car, walking forward to pick at the sheet.

"Feels like last time," Callum replies, looking around again. "Only this time we're not strangers."

"In here, I think we could be," Ben walks to stand beside him again, pulling at the sheet, slowly unveiling the car from spoiler to front bumper. "This was a different me. You met the me after this."

Callum watches as the sheet pools near his feet, Ben going still beside him as memories flash through his mind.

It's more similar to Callum's blue car than Ben's favourite. Silky black paint, low to the ground, tinted windows, black rims that look like a spider they're so thin. A spoiler at the back makes the car seem wider than it already is. It's aggressive, that's for sure, but it's not Ben.

Ben's old car was more built, bold. This is meant to slip through fingers, to seek and sink its fangs in.

"Why do you still have it?" Callum asks, walking around the car, slowly taking in the small scratches, history embedded into the bodywork from Ben's past.

"Stole it from him. Was meant to give it back after I quit but he put me through so much hell that I just — I wanted to leave a mark. It cost him a fortune, the best for the best, and I took that from him," Ben reaches down to fold the sheet up. "That's why he took mine. I tried to keep low for so long, to pretend I didn't have it but I was a fool to think otherwise. He got me back eventually."

Callum stops when he reaches Ben again, taking the sheet from him and throwing it onto the hood of the car.

"You're scared of it?"

"Scared I'll become the same person if I drive it again," Ben looks at the keys in his hand, thinking about how many times he's been here only to turn away again.

Callum thinks for a moment, parting his lips a few times before finally managing to say something.

"You won't," Callum steps forward, into his embrace, a hand on his bicep.

"How do you know?" argues Ben.

"It's a machine, Ben. It does what you tell it too."

Ben laughs, hands falling gently onto Callum's arms. There's a moment where they just stare, caught in this duel of wanting time to stop and wanting time to forward until this is all over and they can just go home.

They need to do this, Ben deserves it. He deserves to live in peace from demons he never wanted.

He steps closer, Ben still with his eyes and hands on Callum as he bumps into him, Ben's back against the car as Callum reaches up towards him.

"You were the same person then as you are now, you get that, right? Only difference is, back then, you weren't allowed to be yourself. You were  _ made  _ to be someone else."

Ben looks down, ashamed. He's ashamed of someone else having to translate his own feelings for him, but it's not long before Callum does as he always does.

He takes him by the hand and pulls him up.

Callum frames his face, hands warm to the touch, gentle but firm as the tip of his nose brushes Ben's. It charges the air, burns hot like the stars that start to bloom outside.

"I haven't seen anyone drive like you do." Callum speaks with such a firm tone, one that echoes deep in Ben's chest. 

Ben's lips part to say something, but Callum's eyes are there, so deep Ben feels as if he'll drown in them if he stares any longer.

Callum rewinds back to what Ben said in the car, the words that covered his heart like gold, made it shine.

"There is nothing more I want, either," Callum hoists him up, hands to the back of his thighs as Ben hugs around his shoulders. "You and me. Against everything. You and me for as long as that is."

Ben breathes in, brushing their foreheads together as Callum looks deep into his eyes, above him but equal in so many ways. Callum's holding him like this so he doesn't feel as if he's falling apart. Previous pieces of his fragile heart start to chip from nerves, and this — touch and warmth, strength — it's the glue that holds him together.

"You and me. S'got a nice ring to it." Ben repeats, grinning at it, the knot in his chest loosening. "What would the Ben you first met on that night say to that, aye?"

"Dunno," Callum chuckles against his lips, "I'm staring right at him."

That knocks Ben off balance. He seems to pause on everything, from breathing to thinking until Callum smiles. It's that warm smile that says everything for him.

"Think I'd tell myself to stay," Ben concludes, dipping his head to look down at Callum, but never in a way that'd make him inferior. "To not let go of you."

Callum smiles, whispers, "You haven't. It's always been you."

Ben parts his lips, breathing in before placing his forehead against Callum's again, holding Ben strong in his arms until Callum lets go, slowly allowing Ben to sink down, onto his own two feet. Callum's arms circle around him still.

He tips his head up, Callum meeting him as Ben leans up on his toes to kiss him softly, once, then falling back to his feet once more.

"You always find the right words to say," Ben pokes his chest.

"I just say what I feel," Callum cups the back of his head. "That part's easy, how you make me feel."

Ben struggles to smile, but he distracts himself by leaning up again, Callum meeting him halfway.

Ben takes this time, puppets it, giving himself every second of this new dawn with Callum. It's not over yet, but Callum kissing him this way feels like there's no loss in sight.

Callum never lies.

_ It's always been you. _

Maybe Ben will feel what it means to comprehend that one day.

\- - -

It's no ordinary event. 

This is for the best of the best, the respected, the risk takers. Everyone with a credible reputation is here as well as the rookies hoping to prove themselves.

Other than that, it's the same. Music, the sound of the engines, the chatter amongst friends and rivals, the air thick with tension that pops with exhausts. It's a playground for metal machines, and there's no shortage of shows.

Winners spin their cars, a wall of smoke rising as the screech of tyres overpowers everything else. The music from someone's car only builds, creating this underlying essence of something more, a rhythm that everyone moves to.

But as the song goes to change, the night is silent for just one moment, and it's enough to allow that bubble to break.

It's faint at first, the distant whine, the building growl of multiple engines. People turn to look, distant headlights flickering with the uneven roads.

Then the sound builds and builds, headlights closer as the crowd falls silent. Everyone that wanted to be here is already here, so the late arrival is something that sparks curiosity.

Danny, sitting in his car, gets out when the majority of the crowd's attention is drawn to the approaching cars, their engines numbing as they slow.

A group of four cars turns into the event, rolling slowly on their wheels as the crowd parts to allow them through, whispers rising between.

When the front car stops, the others do as well, forming an arch, parked side by side at angles, a line between themselves and Danny, a declaration.

Peter and Jay step out of their respective cars, Jay leaning on the door as Peter shuts his, leaning against it. They're all staring at Danny.

Callum steps out of blue, meeting eyes with Danny and allowing him to see his face. He can't resist, not when seeing Danny causes  _ hate  _ to bubble up his throat.

"How's the jaw?" Callum asks, one hand to his own jaw to emphasize his point.

Danny doesn't understand until he takes a proper look at Callum, walking to Ben's car beside him. How quickly Danny's face turns red is something Callum will never forget.

_ "You—  _ you're the bastard that hit me!"

Callum nods, all proud about it.

"And I'd do it again," shouts Callum, his smile slipping to something serious, frowning when Danny orders some other lads to go rough Callum up.

They don't get there.

_ "Now now," _ Ben pats the roof of his car as he slides out, all calm and collected as whispers start to rise again. "Pretty sure you'll hate seeing my face more."

Danny blanks again, and suddenly, he can feel the heat, the sudden worry that starts to drown him up to his knees. They're only here for one reason, Danny knows that, but he runs these roads and he'll play every dirty trick in the book.

"Funny of you to show that ugly mug round 'ere,  _ Mitchell.  _ We took your car, made you run. You're finished. You don't belong here." In fact, he's sitting on the very car Ben used to own, taken from that night.

"Big words for a man that couldn't face me himself," Ben shuts the door with a slam, hand trailing across the hood of his car as he walks forward. "Settling scores outside of events? That's a cowardly move."

The crowd whispers again, and Danny looks around, swallowing. This isn't good reputation for him.

"Nothing that hasn't been done before," argues Danny, standing up so he can point towards Ben. "You're the king of not playing by the book."

"How nice of you to call me royalty," Ben tilts his head, gesturing towards his car. "And yeah, I am, but I also know when I should and when I shouldn't."

It's only then that Danny notices the car Ben is using.

"That's mine."

Ben grins wicked, "I know. Right now, it's mine."

Danny grits his teeth, about to shout, but there's a crowd gathering, numbers in the hundreds as Ben stands in the middle, head high as he speaks, arms wide.

"Race me."

Ben watches Danny huff, waving his hand, "You're a waste of time."

"Then I'll make it worth your while." Ben keeps his arms wide, the crowd around them between cars hooked on the strength Ben oozes.

"What could you offer me?" Danny shrugs, standing up and walking a few paces to be nearer to Ben.

Ben bites his bottom lip in thought. He needs to offer something Danny can't refuse, something that'll destroy Ben beyond repair if he loses.

"You get this car back," he knocks the bonnet. "And you get me gone from the scene, for good. Every car I own will be yours, from old to new," and he sighs, knowing he'll need to say more. "And I'll work for you again."

Callum glances to Ben, wanting to shout  _ no,  _ but he has to have belief that he'll win.

Ben's here to make a statement, to win it all, to prove there's no messing with him or his family. There's no prizes for coming second.

Danny pauses, considering him with a chuckle. He all but spits his words, already fed up with Ben's little performance.

"You? Gone from the scene? You've already proved yourself to be nothing more than a liability. Running away when it got too much, failing to avoid a trap  _ you  _ taught me," Danny waves him away, starting to walk again, back to his car. "You're old news, Ben. Go back to Sunday drives."

When Danny meets the edge to get back to his car, he has to stop.

The crowd won't move.

"Oi,  _ shift," _ Danny shouts, but the guy he's bellowing orders to doesn't move, the people near standing up even straighter.

It's haunting when Ben laughs behind him, and the smirk on his face when Danny turns back around is nothing short of devious.

"Forgot your own rules, old man?" 

Callum starts smiling, amused, shuffling his arms across his chest. Sitting on the front wheel arch of Ben's car, Jay and Peter by their own cars — there's something so powerful about it.

They're a team, a pack.

Danny is a sheep caught by wolves to new eyes. There's nowhere for him to go.

"What rules? I make them and break them," Danny shoves the guy, but he shoves back with the aid of others, Danny being forced back into the circle.

Ben clicks his tongue, a disappointed sigh dragged out, swinging his car key loop around his finger a few times before catching them in his palm.

"You don't make the rules, Danny. You think you do, but we  _ all  _ do. It always shifts, don't it?" Ben looks around to everyone, and some nod, some stay silent. Mutual agreement.

"What are you chatting on about now? You're making a scene just—"

"Winner takes all, Danny, but it's no crown," Ben takes a step forward, keeps going, slowly, one by one as his hood falls to the backs of his shoulders. "Might look pretty but it's heavy. Gonna' fall off eventually. Only those quick enough can catch it, to take it from you."

Ben stops with a firm stance in front of Danny, close enough that Ben could swing a right hook if he really so desired. 

Danny looks disgusted, wanting to walk backwards, but the crowd won't move. He knows that.

"You're walking away from a challenge," Ben tilts his head towards the crowd, all staring at them. Callum looks on in awe at the man he loves bending fire at his fingertips, going up against the man that brought him so much hell.

"I ain't walking away. I'm saving my time."

"Ah, yeah!" Ben claps his hands, smiling sweet but it's nothing of the sort. "Wrinkles droop more by the day, don't they? I wonder how much your own crew have been waiting to take your place themselves—"

_ "You  _ watch your mouth!" Danny takes that step between them, squaring up to Ben, almost nose to nose and hoping he'll intimidate Ben enough for him to back away.

Callum stands up at that, arms at his side but his hands clenching. He won't let Danny touch him again.

But Ben doesn't even flinch, his smile carving into a smirk, a shine in his eyes that could spark fires.

"All bark and no bite," Ben sucks between his teeth, then clicks his tongue. "I like to think I'm the opposite."

Danny doesn't move, determined to stand his ground. It only fuels the fire in Ben more.

"Bit close, ain't you?" Ben chuckles, eyes dropping to his lips and humming at the way Danny goes white in the face. "Gonna' kiss me, or what?"

Danny visibly recoils, making this sick sound at the back of his throat, an expression that mirrors his distaste in Ben.

"Enough of this circus," Danny swivels on his feet, storming to the edge of the circle again where even members of his crew stand with everyone.  _ "Move!" _

Again, they don't.

"You back down to my offer," Ben starts, brushing his hand along the front of his neck, thumb hooking the promise ring that hangs on the silver chain. "You lose."

"That's not how—"

"That's  _ exactly  _ how it works, mate.  _ You  _ made sure of that. It's how your slimy hands worked their way to the top — and I'm here to knock you back down."

"You aren't that good," argues Danny, running out of options. If he tries to seem unphased, maybe Ben will leave.

Ben laughs, head back because  _ god,  _ is that all he can come back with?

Ben lifts his hand after that, pointing to him with his keys, head turning, frowning so his glare sharpens.

"Don't kid yourself. You hired me because I'm good,  _ more than good,  _ and I'm the reason you're standing there now, that  _ oh-so-big  _ crown on your head that's melting the more you try and talk your way out of this." The night around Ben shadows his face in such a strong way, the halo of the headlights framing him from behind.

Ben looks down to the floor, eyes trailing along the shadow of himself, on and on until he meets Danny where it blocks him from the light.

"Looks like you're already fading to the background, just like you told me to do."

_ Make noise, but don't let them see you. _

_ Get the cars, hit the gas, go home to your petty father. _

_ Drive like I know you can, that's what I hired you for. Do the only thing you're worth for. _

"Kinda' crazy it's caught up with you, huh, Danny boy? Thinking you could throw me to the side when I started to rip the road from under your feet?" Ben laughs darkly, taking steps to reach Danny at the edge of the crowd after he stepped back. "I challenged you. You gotta' meet that, or you'll be exactly where I was — without anyone. But I guess that's not too new for a lonely, old man."

Danny visibly seethes, hands clenched, and Ben's about to walk away and leave it at that, but he chuckles, turning back to step quickly beside him. Ben reaches his ear, talking loud and clear.

"I let you get the better of me last time," Ben steps back so Danny can see the venom in his eyes. "It won't happen again."

He allows the words to sink in, slow like honey but sticky and hard to breathe. Ben walks back, the crowd erupting into cheers and requests to get the show on the road.

Callum meets his gaze as Ben walks back towards him, settling back onto the wheel arch as Ben takes his hand, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

Ben audibly sighs against him, Callum being the cool river to his fire, and Callum reaches up to hold his neck.

"Drive like I know you can," Callum whispers, and Ben nods.

"I drive knowing you're always gonna' be with me," Ben hooks his thumb in the ring again. "That's all I need."

Callum smiles, giving him a firm pat to his shoulder, standing up and kissing his forehead.

_ "Give him hell."  _

Ben smirks at that, glancing up to Callum and nodding. They share a few seconds of silent admiration before Ben lets go of him, leaning down into his car and firing the engine.

This time, the sound of the engine doesn't scare him. It sounds wild but the feel of the wheel in his palms is different. He has control this time, more himself rather than a mindless puppet.

He looks through the window to see Danny looking at him, a scowl on his face as he whispers to crew members. Ben gives the engine a rev, and Danny frowns even more seeing the car Ben stole from him being used against him.

If any car will sink home how much Ben has grown, how much he isn't a lone heart — it's the car that made him believe so in the first place.

\- - -

It's done in rounds, races between each other to climb the ladder until Ben reaches the top where Danny is.

He's done this before, but he didn't intend to. It was the first time he kissed Callum and walked out the door, determined to get him off his mind by racing until there was no one left to race. That's why he got in trouble, he wasn't aware what heat that would bring, or he didn't care for it. Reckless.

Ben's never been bothered about being on top, just being good, being respected, somewhat feared in a way that'd make people think twice about crossing him.

Now, he  _ has  _ to be the best, and he knows he is.

Driving up to the start line, it's an empty road, a quarter mile stretch of battlefield between rubber and metal.

Ben finds himself sitting up, flexing his fingers on the steering wheel, revving the engine to keep it warm as he waits for his first opponent. Nerves settle in quickly, and he sighs, listening to the low rumble of the running engine, reaching up to his neck and pulling on the chain.

The ring is warm against his thumb, bringing it up to his lips to kiss, thinking as he closes his eyes. Callum is with him, and he's going to be there when this is over. 

A sharp thunder sounds beside him, opening his eyes to see one of Danny's followers in the car next to him.

The games begin.

Ben looks in his mirror to see Callum sitting on the hood of his car, eyes firm towards Ben's car. He looks worried.

Turning back to the road ahead, Ben watches as a guy walks to stand between their cars, doing the usual check to make sure they're both ready.

There's a moment where Ben wants to back out, to avoid this, to go home and ignore this and pretend like he has for the past few months that this isn't bothering him.

But it is, and it will.

Ben takes a deep breath, feeling the power at his fingertips and waiting for the signal. It's a slow gathering of adrenaline, pooling in his gut until he knows it's almost time.

The guy lifts his arms, shouting something inaudible, and that adrenaline built up sparks like flame to fuel — the car  _ launches _ as those arms drop, a symphony of high pitched tones and whirling mechanical clicks. He can feel the tyres grip with so much drag that it feels like the car is going to take off at any second, and that loosened gravity of control is what makes Ben grip the wheel even more, shifting the gear with a press to the flap, and the car  _ kicks,  _ evolving into a higher gear.

Whoever was next to him at the start line is still there, or near it, because Ben is flying, power turning and turning until the world blurs.

Callum watches his fading tail lights, and he's transported back to the first night, watching him drive away into the fog. Now, it's Ben driving away between his own tyre smoke, still lingering at the start line.

This time, though, he knows Ben is coming back.

He does, no longer than a minute later, crawling across the event site without even breaking a sweat. One win under his belt.

The crowd slap the hood of the car over and over, cheers to get the next round started.

Ben doesn't even give himself a break, parking at the start line again.

Callum receives a text a few seconds later.

_ [Ben, 10:09pm]: cover your ears _

Callum looks back up to Ben's car, hearing the increasing rumble of the rev, the way it sounds like Ben is holding whatever animal inside that car by a leash and it's about to snap.

He does as Ben asks, covering his ears, and it's only then that Ben pops the exhaust, a plume of fire sharp and quick blooming outwards. Ben does it a few times, and the crowd cheers at the show.

It's another way of saying  _ next. _

Ben does it with one hand on the wheel, feet controlling the pedals as he holds his phone with the other.

_ [Callum]: you're meant to win, not scare them away _

_ [Ben]: would save me the time. just looked online, there's a showing for a film in half an hour. pub after? _

_ [Callum]: sounds good to me. _

_ [Callum]: good luck _

_ [Ben]: knowing im coming back to you at the end of this is all the luck i need _

_ [Callum]: eyes up, there's another one _

Callum's right. Ben places his phone to the side and sees another selected member of Danny's following.

Fine. He'll do it the hard way.

Race after race, Ben wins, dominating in every match to the point where the wait for opponents becomes longer. Danny's men don't want their reputation destroyed because he's too afraid of stepping up.

Ben opens his driver window on the way back to the event after another win, allowing the car to stop in the middle of the crowd as people gather. He pulls himself up, sitting on the door, hands on the roof of his car.

"Where are you hiding, Danny? This is between me and you, not your pals. Let's have an early night and get it over with!"

The crowd's volume heightens again, all agreeing, all wanting the entertainment. 

Callum, Jay and Peter all join in after that, win after win, golden against their name, all rising to the top together.

When there's no one left to race Ben, he finds himself with Callum, held by him as they wait, Ben sitting between his legs on the bonnet of Callum's car, talking.

"You know, when you said cover your ears, I thought about that night," Callum combs his fingers through his hair, the heavy hum of the music being played elsewhere keeping the energy flowing.

But Ben calms, simmers, the fire inside sated for now as Callum all but brings him back down, gentle and loving and Ben wants this over with so he can spend time with him.

"Mmm?" Ben has to think. "Oh. Yeah. I remember what you said about that, too."

Callum nods, "Still true."

"Yeah, it is," Ben kisses the edge of his lips as he turns, Callum's other arm around his waist holding him closer. "Want me to do it again?"

"After this," says Callum. "Time to do it one last time."

Ben's about to joke, but Callum and his expression firmly halts that entirely, following to where Callum is looking over his shoulder.

Callum's arm squeezes Ben, and he knows why.

Danny is there, getting into his car,  _ Ben's old car,  _ approaching the starting line. 

The guy that's been starting all of their races walks over to Ben and Callum, eyes quickly falling between them before looking to Ben.

"He wants a mile."

Ben clicks his tongue, "Of course he does." If using Ben's old car against him wasn't enough already.

Callum doesn't quite understand, and it's evident in his expression.

"I'll do it," Ben replies to the guy, waiting for him to walk away before turning to Callum. "A mile will give his car —  _ my  _ car more time to top my speed. A quarter is better for mine."

"So he's doing this on purpose?"

"Yeah," Ben pats his chest. "It's gonna' be close, so don't get too embarrassed if your boyfriend loses."

He's chuckling, trying to settle the nerves, but Callum takes his wrist and pulls him back. Their chests bump together as Callum stands up, and Ben can't look away when he meets his eyes.

"You're not gonna' lose," Callum kisses him, feather-light. It's a promise, an exchange that promises so much more for when Ben comes back to him. "I'll wait for you."

_ Just like you did for me. _

Suddenly, Ben is transported back to his house, the moment he said that himself without saying it and now here they are, on the cusp of no longer waiting at all.

Ben nods, afraid that speaking will cause his voice to crack, and he kisses Callum back, hoping it'll convey how he feels as he pulls away after holding him that bit more, Callum's body moving to follow him.

Sliding back into the car, Ben rubs his hands over his face before pressing the ignition. He's been so confident over the last ten or fifteen races — having lost count — that being faced with the last one is something sickly.

Nerves are one thing, but the weight of everything in Ben's life placed on a mile of road and the outcome decided in thirty seconds flat — that's not something easy to swallow.

At the starting line, Ben doesn't dare to look across, to stare Danny in the face and give him a precious second of his time. He doesn't deserve that, nothing at all.

But it's taking so much not to turn, to not face him and express his hatred through eyes alone because this man has haunted him like a flat tyre, giving him freedom but not enough to outrun.

It takes up so much of his mind that he has to  _ breathe  _ and remember what he's doing this for. Revenge, yes, but it's not the major factor.

He's doing it for the family photo on the mantle, the morning walks with Callum and Pip talking about everything and nothing. There's the laughs, the joy, the want to have a life when previously it felt like running in circles.

The horizon was unknown before, a blinding, distant goal — but now it's within reach at the end of this mile, that  _ Callum  _ and his words are at the end of that mile.

Ben can feel his pulse in his ears, the material of the steering wheel felt in this heightened detail, it's all so adrenaline rushing that it takes one moment to look out to that horizon, to the goal in blurry, jaded sight.

_ It's always been you. _

It all stops. Ben breathes again, allowing himself to feel the  _ bite  _ of the car, the moment where everything is ready to spring and strike like something venomous.

Ben blocks everything else out, his gaze sharpens, the road opening out to this flat strip of tarmac before him.

He can do this. Ben's good at fighting, the thrill of winning, crossing the line.

His heart only builds that feeling as the guy raises his arms between the two cars. The crowd is cheering, exhausts popping, but Ben only has eyes on the horizon.

It's just him and the road until he allows the atmosphere to fold in around him, and that way, he can control it, allow it to fuel the fire.

Ben has his eyes on the guy, twisting his hand around the steering wheel as the moment draws closer, and he relaxes knowing he has this. Ben has a plan.

_ "Go!" _

It's the first time Ben's heard that word all night, usually impossible but somehow possible now, and it's like a chain reaction.

His finger presses the gear flap.

Ben's foot hits the floor.

Tyres spin, smoke builds like dragons are being born, and the starting line is now the past as both cars unleash themselves into the night.

Ben keeps it controlled, eyes the speedometer as it ticks up, the point climbing and climbing until it starts to reach the hundreds.

They're neck to neck, dueling side by side at the halfway point.

It's almost as if someone pulls his spine through his chest when he sees those tail lights in front of him, red and glaring, bright in the night.

He's losing.

Ben bites back the hunger to push, to allow the car loose so early. He has another twenty seconds before that finish line catches up with him.

_ Keep cool. Keep cool. _

Ben takes a breath, shifts a gear, allowing the engine more breathing room, the volume of noise kicking up a notch as the distance is all but consumed under his tyres.

The car ahead, the one he refuses to name, it's like staring at himself.

Ben's old car, his old self, the one that denied any sort of future. Both of the cars in this race are no longer  _ Ben,  _ just the shadows of what he used to be, what people made him to be.

Time is expensive.

_ Ten seconds. _

He can feel the win slipping away until the moment the car jumps from uneven tarmac. His necklace swings, the promise ring cold as it swerves left then right.

The world fades out.

_ Ben pauses for a moment, looking at where their hands make contact. He glances to Callum once more, gently gripping Callum's hand more than he was before, slowly bringing it towards his lips, closing his eyes as he presses a sweet, barely there kiss to Callum's hand, pressing his lips a little more when Callum doesn't flinch away. _

_ He's gentle, more than Callum thought he would be, Ben brushing his thumb over the edge where the bandage stops and skin starts. _

_ When Ben pulls back, he keeps his lips close, breathing out with the nerves he didn't know he had. Callum feels that very exhale rolling over the exposed skin of his hand. _

_ "Don't hurt yourself for the sake of others, Callum," Ben opens his eyes to meet him, noticing the single tear that falls down Callum's cheek, and Ben's heart tightens. "Chase your own happiness, not theirs." _

Now it's Ben's turn.

_ 9 seconds. _

_ Now. _

Ben drops the metaphorical leash, allowing the cylinders to fire, a kick so powerful it knocks Ben back into his seat, shifting that gear into the last tier. The car roars with this metal tone, exhaust popping as the pressure is released.

The tail lights ahead fall closer.

_ 8 seconds. _

_ "There's no going back after this," Ben says, broken, throat dry. "I'll only — mess you up. I'll break your heart." _

_ "I know." _

Ben grits his teeth, the pedal won't press any more. It's just the car and whatever fate decides. It feels as if he's stopped breathing.

He can see it now, the people at the end, the rising plume of a flare. The red in front draws closer still, Ben steering to pass.

_ 7 seconds. _

_ "I don't think anyone has a choice, it's only your own actions you can control. What happens after? Who knows," Callum brushes his thumb down the rim of Ben's right ear. "If it's not meant to be, it ain't." _

_ "So is this?" Ben asks, curious more than scared. _

Ben feels the pressure in his chest build, keeping his hands steady so that it's straight-line speed and the hope it'll carry him to the win.

The sound of another car builds and builds in his right ear, lingering until it feels as if it's falling behind. His old life is falling behind him.

_ 6 seconds. _

_ "This isn't — this isn't fake to me. Not anymore," Callum turns his head away, hoping the warmth of the sun will dry his tears before they fall. "Fuck. It never has been, not to me." _

It's almost there, the finish line, but the sound of the car next to him grows again, builds with this sickening laugh made by his own anxiety.

_ 5 seconds. _

_ "I love you," Callum whispers up to him, a gentle innocence in his eyes that Ben feels wash over his chest, soothing like a bird's song on a quiet morning. _

Ben could scream, the sound not fading beside him. He needs to find the distance, somewhere, the coin to tip fate's scales.

_ 4 seconds. _

The car keeps growing in speed, and Ben knows the limit is soon. He can't go with his plan after that.

_ 3 seconds. _

Ben's almost there, and these three seconds fly by like they don't exist. It's just four words, the flick of his finger on the gear paddle, and the rush of knowing it's over.

_ 2 seconds. _

_ "It's always been you." _

The best part of any race for Ben? Crossing that line.

It's not the factor of winning, but that  _ tiny, tiny second  _ between racing and driving that feels like your stomach flipping on an axis. 

When all of that adrenaline, that speed, that time — it all folds into one exhale, one foot moving off the pedal, fingers unfolding from their tight grip on the wheel.

He can't bathe in the afterglow because he doesn't know if there  _ is  _ one.

Ben kicks the car into a drift after slowing a bit more, wanting to feel that lack of control as he looks out, wanting to see the crowd's reaction as they slowly slide into view.

To think he's lost everything.

Ben forces the car to stop, smoke falling forward and covering his windshield, covering Ben in this cloak, away from the world as his head falls back.

It's quiet until the distant cheering, the noises of cars and exhausts.

Danny is probably parked near him, wanting Ben to suffer in his shadow, but he can't bring himself to get out of this car. If he's lost, he might as well stay in it, to wait for his first beckoning order.

But his car door opens, the driver's side, a hand pulling him out and into warm arms.

_ "You did it,"  _ is whispered against his neck, a voice that's been in his head for the last 10 seconds of this race, a voice that makes Ben fall to his knees.

Callum follows him to the floor as Ben grips back, pulling him into his chest as the crowd erupts around him, cheers of Ben's name and the sound of joint celebration.

"I did it?" Ben asks, muffled, hands gripping onto the back of Callum's jacket.

"Yeah," and Ben's heart squeezes. "You won."

_ You won. _

Ben brings his head back, meeting Callum's lips to kiss him, and it's through that, that Callum springs to life, lifting Ben up, placing him on top of the low car as he giggles in delight.

He can't believe it. Ben's surrounded by night but it feels as if it's day, bright and glorious, warm and present.

"You can do it now," says Callum, and Ben blinks.

"Huh?"

Callum takes his hands, bringing them up to his ears, and the smile that breaks out on his lips is the one he knows he'll see every morning from now on.

"Just kiss me this time, yeah?"

Ben laughs, thinking back to the time he did this and wanting to do  _ exactly  _ that. So, now he does, kissing Callum slowly, a smile on his lips he can't shake because he's victorious.

Callum pulls him in at the waist, standing between his legs, a smile on his own lips that  _ finally —  _ they're together, in every way, past  _ and  _ present.

When Ben pulls back, it's only to look around, the crowd elated, bottles being popped and other drivers drifting rings around the crowds. A new leader after so long, a new royalty.

Even though Ben doesn't want it, he decides to breathe it all in for the time that he has it.

"Hey," Callum says, bringing him back. "You okay?"

Ben takes a breath, nodding because he doesn't trust his voice. Callum hugs him entirely, bringing him back down from the roof of the car. 

The crowd around them starts to open a pathway, allowing someone through.

"Not bad."

That voice. 

He turns, Ben's eyes falling on a figure he didn't think he'd ever see again.

Ben visibly shrinks, voice tiny.

_ "Dad?" _

It's Phil, standing there, a somewhat attempt of a smile on his face as he begins to walk closer.

Callum blinks, feeling as if he's walked into a scene that he shouldn't be in, but Ben reaches back for him, pinching the bottom of his jacket behind his back.

"Ben," Phil starts, his voice still having that grumble. "I wondered where you'd gone."

What does Ben say? Does he apologise?  _ No.  _ Does he say that he's missed him?  _ No. _

_ "I—" _

Phil raises his hand, and Ben's lips shut.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry."

Ben almost laughs from the shock, but it causes him to let go of Callum's jacket, shoulders shrunk because —  _ what? _

"I saw the whole thing, your exchange with Danny. I had no idea he was the reason you left. He told me you'd messed up a job and vanished — but here you are, makin' a name for yourself."

"I thought you — I thought you didn't want me around?" Ben's confused.

"I've been paying off that," Phil points to Ben's car, the one he took from Danny. "Said I needed to do it if you'd gone. He said he'd keep quiet about all of this if I did and it was bad for our family name, so I had to."

Ben huffs, "Of course. That's all it's ever been for you."

"Ben, you're my son," he goes to step forward and Ben steps back.

"Don't act like this is all okay now, alright? You left Pip, you gave me no comfort, you forced me into this life I didn't want and now it's  _ all I have!"  _ Ben shouts his way, and the crowd falls silent. "I'm not here to fix my name for you, I'm here for me, for  _ Callum,  _ for my family because I care. I  _ care —  _ and that's something you've never done."

Callum takes his hand, holding it behind Ben. His anchor.

"Callum?" asks Phil.

Ben brings out that joined hand so he can see it.

"I love him, with everything I have. I pushed him into my life and he's the only one that didn't go running scared, that saw  _ me  _ beneath all of this," Ben gestures to the night around them. "He loves me, more than anything, and I know that now. Tonight I can be every part of a man Callum deserves because I'm finally free."

Phil stays silent, hands in his pockets, but his face shifts to something Ben's never seen before.

"I'm proud of you," is what he says next, and Ben feels every ounce of strength punched from his chest.

_ "What?" _

"You're not my son anymore. You're a man."

Ben doesn't realise what he's saying until Phil starts to smile. He's releasing his own mistakes.

"Whatever you do now, I don't expect forgiveness. I just want you to know I'm proud, and that I want to try again, if you'll let me."

Now Ben's proven their name, Phil doesn't have to try, either.

"I'm not doing this anymore, Dad," Ben turns to Callum. "I have too much to lose to keep this life."

"I know," and that makes Ben turn back. "I meant as a family."

Ben blanks, because in one way he wants to say yes, to give him another chance. On the other, he doesn't deserve any after the hell he's been put through.

So Ben just nods, "Maybe."

Phil nods back. That's enough words said and done, so he leaves back the way he came.

Ben steps back into Callum, and the whispers of  _ are you okay  _ fall on his good ear. He just nods, squeezing Callum's hand.

_ "Mitchell!" _ It's not over yet.

Callum straightens his stance when Danny pushes through the circle towards them.

Ben grins, "Ah, the man of the hour!"  _ God, please give him a break. _ His Dad and now this?

"You! You cheated!"

"Got a few screws loose up there? I won by playing to your weakness, Danny." Ben laughs.

Danny doesn't understand.

"You want people to see you win," Ben starts, walking away from Callum's hold and heading towards him, slowly. "If people see your tail lights, it inflicts fear, and you like to watch that. I know that, and I used it."

Danny splutters, about to defend himself, but Ben is quicker.

"My car that you took from me? I know that thing inside out. Did you really think I wouldn't know how to beat it? All I had to do was wait until the last few seconds when I knew you'd be thinking of the win," Ben shrugs, as if it's as easy as that. Well, it is, to him. "Faster acceleration here," Ben points to the car behind him, "higher top speed there." Finally, he points to his old car, a new door installed thanks to how Danny stole it.

"You—"

_ "Won,"  _ Ben finishes for him, taking the keys from his pocket, throwing them to Danny's feet. "Fetch."

Danny looks from the keys to Ben, grunting when he goes to pick them up.

"You can keep it," Ben shrugs. "And my old car, I'll be having that back,  _ pretty please."  _

Danny chucks his keys to Ben, but he manages to catch them, "Oops. Too quick for ya', mate."

Ben laughs as Danny seethes, walking back over to Ben, and they brush shoulders as Danny slides into the car Ben just beat him with, closing the door and driving off.

"I think he's upset," jokes Callum, arms crossed against his chest. He meets Ben's eyes with a smile. "How do you feel?"

Ben shrugs, pursing his lips, "Don't know. This feels different to every other win."

Callum allows him time to look around, to take it all in, and before long, he's taking Callum's hand, leading Callum back to blue, since Callum drove up behind him not long after the race started.

Jay meets them in the middle, hugging Ben with a few taps to his back, saying he's proud of him, proud of him for facing his demons. When he pulls back, he places their foreheads together, and Ben grips his coat in silent thanks he can't speak.

Peter takes his car keys from him, asking if he can take his car back to the garage for another day.

Ben doesn't want to get behind the wheel again today, he just wants to slow down and allow the win to swallow him, to melt away the scars that have hindered him ever since he first got into that car.

Callum takes his hand again until they split once more, Ben sliding into the passenger side with a sigh, Callum into the driver's side.

Ben closes his eyes, taking a few seconds to weigh his thoughts before checking his watch.

"Shit. We missed the movie after all." Ben slumps back into the seat. There's still something in his heart that thinks this isn't over.

Callum doesn't seem bothered by it, reaching over to take Ben's hand, holding it between them, thumb brushing over his knuckles.

"That's okay," he says, waiting until Ben turns to look at him. "We can do it tomorrow."

Ben breathes. It feels like the first time in years.

_ Tomorrow. _

Callum smiles as he watches the changing emotions on Ben's face. It morphs from exhaustion to relief, a shine in his eyes that only falls when Ben tips his head back, too late to stop them.

"Tomorrow," repeats Ben, smiling up to the ceiling of the car, squeezing Callum's hand.

They have tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that. For everything and anything.

"How about a night in?" Callum starts the engine, determined to leave the event before the crowd grows even more rowdy with celebrations. Ben from before would've joined in, gone to some bar and drunk himself silly only to wake up with strange walls.

But now, he's heading home, his hand joined with the love of his life, humming to tunes on the radio as the stars blur above them through the window. He's ordering an extra large pizza and sides on the way, laughing at some joke Callum says as they head inside Ben's home.

Pip is there to greet them, her floppy ear bouncing as she follows them into the living room after shedding coats and shoes. Callum's practically moved in over these past few weeks since the new year, keeping clothes and socks and shoes and phone chargers in either homes, even car tools.

For now, they're at Ben's, and Pip curls at the bottom of the sofa, laying on Callum's feet as they spread the pizza box along the coffee table. Ben snuggles into his side, arguing over what show they're going to watch and eventually settling on something light that makes them both giggle every now and then.

After the food is consumed, Callum's arm sits around his shoulders, his thumb tickling Ben's ear, and they drift into this atmosphere where it's just them, the mumbling TV and the warmth of each other.

Even when they go to bed, brushing their teeth elbow to elbow, they're not talking much, just in the moment, starting to believe that when they see the sun tomorrow, it's the start of something new. An era of them, of love.

\- - -

Frankly, he wanted a few hours of doing nothing but relaxing in the morning, but the cold patch beside him stirs Ben from his sleep.

Callum's sitting on the end of the bed, phone in his hand, Ben catching his smile from where his head rests.

He seems to text back, whoever it is, and then places his phone back on the side. Ben remains quiet as Callum stands up, stretching his arms upwards and then backwards. Ben never thought he'd describe someone's back as art but here he is, thinking about it.

And then it's clear to him, vibrant, that he can have this every day.

Callum turns around in that moment, and meets Ben's eyes with a surprised smile. He leans back down, onto the bed, and Ben is merely a magnet, reaching up to kiss him softly, feeling fingertips at his shoulder.

When Callum leans back, he sits on top of the covers, hand brushing through Ben's hair with the orange of the sun behind him.

"How are you feeling?" Callum asks, hand pausing at his cheek, the pad of his thumb smoothing over his skin. 

"Good," Ben replies, tongue tied from how Callum looks over his face. "I'm good."

Callum smiles, laughing light and carefree as he leans back in, kissing his cheek before Ben turns his head, meeting his lips instead.

It's inevitable Ben pulls him on top, giggles sounding in the bedroom as Ben wraps his arms around him.

"I was gonna' make us breakfast," says Callum, and Ben huffs, letting him go.

"Well, I am hungry," he teases, "Go on!"

Callum rolls his eyes, but he takes Ben's hand as he leans back.

"C'mon."

"What? No! I'm staying in bed!"

"You don't want your present then?" Callum eyes him, watching the many emotions Ben's face travels through.

"I — it's here?" Ben looks to the door as if it'll walk through on its own.

"Yeah," Callum uses the loose state Ben's in, stuck between confusion and love that he's easily pulled from the sheets. "But — breakfast first, then we'll go."

_ "Go?  _ Callum — what have you done?"

Callum giggles, all excited, reaching across the room to grab his hoodie, giving it to Ben. 

"Quicker you eat your breakfast, the quicker you'll find out."

Ben grumbles, but his face doesn't reflect how gently he holds Callum's hoodie. It  _ does  _ reflect what happens when Ben pulls it over his head, his expression becoming soft and relaxed.

"Okay," Ben takes his hand, and Callum squeezes gently before leading him out of the bedroom, heading downstairs and to the open plan kitchen.

Pip grumbles as she follows them around, tired but trying to be excited at the same time.

Ben helps to make their pancakes, daring Callum to flip one in a duel. Bad idea, considering Callum's a chef and flips a pancake like no problem. Ben loses his in the sink.

When they're all done, Ben heads back upstairs to place jeans on, Callum doing the same. Ben wraps his new scarf around himself, red coat on top.

"Ready?" Callum says as he opens the door, leading Ben outside. 

"No," Ben is honest, at least. "You're not being clear at all."

"That's why it's a surprise," replies Callum, nudging Ben with his elbow.

Ben doesn't reply because he's actually nervous, twiddling his thumbs when they set off in Callum's blue car. Well, if he can't talk about this, then he'll talk about something else.

"I can't believe I won the biggest race of my life and instead of going to get wasted I ordered pizza and fell asleep on you," Ben smiles at the thought of it, head down as he watches his hands move on their own, picking at his nails. "Even my Dad, he was there and all I wanted to do was go home."

"What are you going to do about him?"

Ben glances to Callum quickly before returning to the road. Well, at least this road is familiar.

"I don't know," says Ben, watching the road instead. "I should go and talk to him but he never bothered before. It was just — sudden. I'll have to figure something out."

Callum nods, "At your own pace, yeah?"

"Yeah," Ben replies, feeling a little more grounded now he's got that off his chest. 

"I think last night was great, by the way," says Callum as he shifts one of the gears. "Was nice. We had all that tension and then — it was just me, you and Pip. I loved it."

Ben smiles, agreeing.

"Yeah, me too."

He doesn't want to mention what he's so scared of now, the closed path in front of him and not knowing where to go.

Callum turns in at Ben's garage, all the doors closed. Not even Peter and Jay are there.

"Uh," Ben scratches the stubble at his cheek. "Why are we here?"

Callum doesn't say anything, simply smiling at him as he exits the car. Ben's nerves settle back in, the excitement starts to build. If Callum isn't worried, then Ben shouldn't be.

Taking it slow, Ben walks up to the garage door as Callum waits by the handle, a smile growing on his face as Ben comes to stand beside him.

"Ready?" asks Callum.

Ben searches his face, and for some reason, he finds himself nodding instead of saying anything because his throat feels blocked. Callum's gone out of his way to surprise him with something so monumental that he's had to wait until this moment to find out what it is.

Callum flips the switch, and the door starts to rise.

Ben's eyes don't leave Callum's face until the door starts to reveal grey, shiny paint.

_ It's a car. _

Ben breathes in as more is revealed, brand new, shining from the sun that filters in behind them. 

"Callum…" Ben is speechless, standing there as Callum takes a step inside because it's not just any car.

It's Ben's car, the same model but  _ new —  _ but it's  _ not  _ the same model at all when Ben notices the collection of parts surrounding the garage.

There's a banner, hung up by string that's a little wonky, lettering painted in black gloss that glimmers from the light.

_ MITCHELL RACING _

Ben brings his hands out of his pockets, walking into the garage as his eyes fall from the banner to the environment around them.

Branded tyres, spoilers, parts in boxes, brand new and ready to be installed.

"I was going to ask first," Callum is at a table at the back, and Ben makes his way over to him, fingertips trailing along the side of the car. There's something different about it, like it's not complete. "But then I thought of surprising you."

Ben reaches Callum at the table and —  _ holy shit. _

He feels his eyes well up, hands reaching for a sticker that has the name  _ B.MITCHELL  _ and the union jack to the side. 

It all falls into place as Ben looks across to the plan on the wall, the car behind him painted in brilliant detail.

It's a professional racing car, a car meant to battle with the best on real, official tarmac — and it's registered in  _ Ben's  _ name.

"Cal," Ben starts, lip wobbling as he turns to him, Callum smiling as he hands over a piece of paper.

"Only if you want," says Callum, watching Ben's face as he takes the sheet.

_ OFFICIAL INVITATION TO THE OFFICIAL PRO LEAGUE, BRONZE TIER _

_ BEN MITCHELL _

_ OFFICIAL TRAINING DATE SET FOR FEBRUARY _

_ RACE SEASON STARTS MARCH _

Ben brings the back of his hand up to his lips, shaking a little because he used to play with little toy cars around race tracks he'd built from pencils and dreams in his head.

Now his name is in the running, the potential to make a name for himself, to become a champion in his own right.

When he turns back to Callum, Callum is reaching out to cup his cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing away a tear.

"You did this? For me?"

"I asked Jay first. He and Peter helped me prepare all of this, but if this isn't what you want then —"

"No! No, no no — I mean  _ yes,  _ this is—  _ Callum—"  _

Ben places the paper aside to grab the lapels of Callum's coat, kissing him, and Callum kisses back until Ben has to breathe because his chest is so full of emotion.

"I saw the smile on your face during that day, and every other day where it's been you and driving for fun. This is — this can give you that, and you don't have to lose all of us  _ or  _ yourself in the process."

Ben looks back to the plan of the car, the big spoiler, the bodykit, the decals of potential sponsors and it seems —  _ crazy. _

"I— I can't believe this," Ben laughs, the sound of complete joy, and it makes Callum so proud to see how far he's come.

"Got some more news, too," Callum takes Ben's hands, smiling when Ben's lips part again. "The owner of the restaurant handed ownership down to me."

"You— you own it?"

"Yeah," Callum laughs, and Ben brings him into a big hug, sighing when Ben kisses his temple. They sway a little, silent as the seconds tick on in this new dawn.

Ben can't take it all in, smiling as Callum turns back to the plan on the table.

"We'll be apart sometimes, and I'll have the restaurant to run but you'll be chasing your dream, chasing your happiness."

Ben said those words himself long ago, words that carried him through that race.

"I think I can do that if it means I get to do that whole kissing at the airport thing," Ben nudges him, going back to their whole movie tropes. "But I'll miss you, bad."

"Me too," Callum links his fingers with Ben's. "But I own that place now meaning I get to decide what's on the TV."

"Oh, shit," Ben laughs. "I forgot, my name will be out there now."

"Make it your own," says Callum, kissing him softly on the lips. "No more nights trying to hide from it all."

"As long as we do it occasionally," Ben requests, eyes falling to Callum's lips. "Just me and you, like old times."

"We can do that," Callum nudges his nose to his. "We can do anything."

A path closes for Ben, and now another opens.

One with more hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is a year old this month, how crazy is that?


	25. the legacy begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [pulls a party popper] happy birthday 3am rush!!!
> 
> started posting this fic a year ago today, and it caused me to reflect a bit. skip this is you want but a lot of the comments on this fic talked about how it helped people (even just a little bit) through this past year and i really hope it continues to be that comfort
> 
> i started this fic for the same reason. i quit writing for a while and then came back to write this because i needed an escape. it is literally my dream au to write and its more a comfort to me and thats why it's still going.
> 
> but there's no denying that the love, support and friends i've made through this fic ultimately make this whole thing worth it. knowing people find comfort in this too is something really special to me
> 
> so, i took a look at my plan and 6 extra chapters isnt gonna cut it. we're back to the dreaded 25/? because i have no idea how long this is gonna be now.
> 
> guess this fic will stick around a little longer. (maybe a whitnelle focus mini fic too)
> 
> happy one year of somehow finding love where you didn't expect
> 
> some racing keywords incase:  
> chicane: a tight set of corners designed to slow cars  
> racing line: the ideal line a racer should follow for the shortest lap time and faster cornering

13TH OF FEBRUARY

\- - -

Pip's paws rip up the dirt as she runs, tail swinging to keep balance as she darts after another duck, always slowly down before she catches one.

When it takes off, she simply follows it, barks a few times and then runs back to Ben. It's one of the few times he's gone alone to walk her on a Sunday morning.

Things have changed a lot in the past month.

Not in a bad way, more of a _holy shit I can't believe this is my life_ sorta way. If the start of this new year was Ben and Callum settling into this new reality, then by now they're well into that.

It's mid February, the cold still brittle and the days ever shorter.

Ben can see his breath roll out in front of him, and even though his distaste for the cold would usually prevent him from doing this, the view is something else entirely.

A red dawn, a promise of something new. 

"Pip," Ben calls, clicking his tongue as she decides to splash a puddle on the way back. "You're a nightmare."

She barks, bouncing on her front paws as if to tease Ben, wanting him to play or run with her like Callum usually does.

"Nope, none of that," chuckles Ben. "We're 'avin a nice walk, you and me."

Pip seems to settle, tail swaying as she walks, deciding to stick by Ben and listen to his voice. He can't believe he's about to open his heart to an audience that consists of a dog.

"I'm not gonna' see you for a month, and I'll miss you and Callum more than anything in the world." Ben reaches across to nudge her floppy ear. "You gotta' promise me you'll look after him while I'm gone, yeah? We both know he gets lonely."

Pip's eyes as she looks up makes Ben's heart melt. Being under the same roof as her for the past two weeks has been the most family, domestic thing he's ever done in his life.

Oh, yeah. Callum moved in.

He sold his house back on the square and moved in with Ben. Maybe it's not such a good idea to commit to something that keeps them so close when they're about to spend a monumental, oceans distance apart for the first time.

They practically had that before, staying over each other's house for days on end, odd slippers and socks.

But now Pip _steals_ his socks, all the time. _All the time._ Callum jokes that every Christmas it'd be a good joke to buy socks and say they're from Pip, to which Ben replies _she'll only steal them again!_

_Exactly!_

Ben smiles as he hugs his shoulders together. He doesn't wish for anything else, not when waking up every morning and seeing Callum there is the best start to any day.

Sometimes they don't even leave, too tied up in the moment, just laying and admiring, talking about things and soft jokes that make Callum giggle. It's this perfect domesticity that feels as natural as breathing, and _god,_ it's never been so easy for Ben to breathe, to love.

His flight is tomorrow.

Ben and his car, all ready and raring to go, will head off overseas to America to train for the upcoming racing league. It's a big deal, even though it's entry level because if he does well — official teams will pick him up and his car will evolve even more than it has over these weeks.

"Come on," says Ben when they reach the end of the trail, smiling as Pip hops into the back of Callum's car, still shiny and blue. "Let's get back."

She sits all posh in the passenger seat, Ben opening the window so she can stick her head out as they travel.

Ben can already sense how much he'll miss the weight of Callum next to him when he wakes up in that hotel, the soft _morning, Ben_ when Callum wakes up first. He'll miss the gentle touches, the reassuring ones, the hugs that Callum gives to make him feel _safe._

It's the first time he won't have it, being miles and miles away. Granted, they'll call, text. Callum's said _we'll be okay_ and honestly? That's all Ben needs. Confirmation that he too believes they'll get through this.

Doesn't mean he won't miss him like hell.

The sight of his house — _their home —_ is a welcome one. 

Sitting outside, wrapped in a sheet to protect it against the weather is Callum's old car, the one they used for the road trip and it's almost silly how many memories Ben lives again from seeing it.

Walking inside, the house is quiet, settled. Pip walks into the living room, finding her favourite place by the fire and sprawling out by the crackling flames.

It's following her that he spots Callum, asleep on the couch, head fallen to the side, a large manual open on his lap talking about drivetrains, exhausts, cylinders.

Ben chuckles, taking off his scarf and coat, hanging it on the handle posted on their wall by the door.

He walks over, Callum still sleeping softly even as Ben runs his fingers through his fringe, moving his hand down so his thumb can move softly over his cheek.

Eyes falling to the manual, he smiles. Callum's been trying to learn as much as he can about cars that Ben hasn't already taught him so he can support his career.

It makes Ben breathe in, breathe out, knowing he has someone by his side that cares _that much_ he'll spend his free time revising the specifics of different tyre treads for different tracks and weather conditions.

"Cal, babe," Ben leans down, kissing his forehead, brushing his fringe again as he sits diagonal to him. "Cal?"

At his name, Callum's eyes slowly open, looking ahead to the wall and taking a few seconds to place himself in the world.

The soft _hey_ that doesn't fall from his own mouth makes Callum's eyes move to the sound, and Ben sees the way his face changes, like the sun breaking the horizon in the morning, smiling warm and bright.

"You're home," says Callum, reaching out to cup Ben's cheek, the other hand rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Yeah," Ben replies, moving to kiss his palm before allowing Callum to hold him again. "Hey."

"Hey," laughs Callum. "Hope she wasn't too much trouble."

"Nah, she's alright. Knew you were tired when we woke up this morning," Ben looks over his shoulder to Pip. "Scared the ducks until she decided to actually walk with me."

Callum shakes his head fondly, bringing Ben in to kiss his lips once, smiling brighter when Ben moves his nose against Callum's.

"Today is our last day," he says, and Callum breaks away.

"Don't say it like that," replies Callum, rubbing his eyes again.

Ben picks at the manual, "Aren't you meant to be studying tomatoes and ten ways to cook fish instead of… downforce percentages?" Ben frowns at the book. Ugh, _maths._

"I want to," says Callum, closing the manual and placing it on the coffee table not far from them. "When those presenters talk about you I wanna' know what they're saying."

Ben rolls his eyes, moving his hand to move it under the collar of Callum's shirt. "Hopefully I won't embarrass you."

"You already make me proud," Callum nudges him, head going back until his eyes catch the clock. It's almost ten. "Oh."

"Hm?"

 _"You're home."_ Callum's eyes go wide, suddenly sitting up and standing from the sofa. "I thought you were going to Jay's?"

"No, thought I'd come back," Ben follows him as Callum walks to the kitchen, frantic. "We're going for drinks later — are you alright?"

"I was — I was meant to do something before you got back," Callum is looking around the kitchen, humming, taking out pots and pans. "Can you, uh, can you go have a shower or something?"

Ben stands at the doorway, watching as he moves around, a smile creeping up onto his face.

"Were you planning a Valentine's Day thing?"

Callum stops.

He places the pot he's holding down onto the counter, sighing as he leans his weight against the side.

"Yeah," says Callum, defeated.

"That's… wow."

"I know," Callum shrugs, shoving the pot. "Ruined it."

"What? No, no you haven't," Ben steps towards him, hands reaching out to cradle his face. "Look, you're tired and you fell asleep, alright? That's normal. You've been bending your back for work _and_ me working on that car together."

Callum grumbles. He's right but he still feels guilty.

"It's our first," Callum takes hold of his wrist. "Wanted it to be special."

"I know," Ben shrugs. "But Callum, the thought that you want to do it today because we won't be able to tomorrow, that's — _god,"_ Ben kisses him instead because it's easier that way, and he hopes that Callum can understand how much it means to him through that. "So, how about we do it together?"

"Together?"

"Yeah, you do most of the cooking though. Don't wanna' give myself a tummy bug if I'm gonna' be flying tomorrow."

Callum laughs, nodding, giving him another soft, slow kiss before pulling back.

"Got some candles."

"Fancy," Ben jokes, poking his stomach, making Callum laugh _again_ and _there's that smile._

"Come on, yeah? We'll have today, make it ours."

Callum nods, "That'd be nice."

"We'll have our romantic three candle dinner," and Callum rolls his eyes at the sarcasm as Ben continues, "and then go take Pip to that park, have a little walk along that coast. After that, we'll go home, takeaway, movie. Sound good?"

"Sounds perfect," Callum hugs him, kisses Ben's neck all softly, Ben humming as he sways them from side to side.

"Do I smell?" asks Ben.

"Huh?" Callum still hugs him.

"You told me to go for a shower," chuckles Ben, hugging Callum tighter. He's gonna' miss being able to do this.

"Mmm," Callum pulls back, tapping two fingers against the underside of Ben's chin. "Help me start this and then I'll come join you."

Ben laughs as Callum moves to kiss his cheek, then his other cheek, all over his face until Ben wrestles him and tells him to focus.

Callum's happy, and Ben keeps thinking that as he watches Callum work.

He has a job, a boyfriend, a life he told Ben he'd like to have one day during those times where they could barely look at each other.

Ben leans up to kiss his cheek, "Love you." It makes his heart _spin_ when Callum smiles so sweet, meeting his lips to whisper the same words back to him.

\- - -

The day is beyond perfect, a Valentine's to remember even when they're old and grey.

Ben smiles over the candles towards Callum when they sit down to eat in the living room with the fire going. They're dressed in smart but casual clothes, music playing from the vinyl player placed on a shelf near them. Pip even has a bow around her neck, chilling on the sofa.

When they're done, Ben takes his hand and they slowly dance to one of Callum's old favourites, holding each other in this warmth only they share. It's almost too hard to let go, to go outside and call Pip so they can head down to the beach.

The sand is rather cold as dusk settles, the sun burning red and orange, giving Callum this glow that frames him as Ben looks down to their joined hands. Callum brushes his thumb over one of Ben's knuckles, nudging him to get Ben's attention.

When he looks back up to Callum, Callum's smiling, leaning in to rest their heads together for a moment. Ben eventually allows his head to fall to Callum's shoulder as they walk, Pip sniffing and jumping between the waves that roll up in front of them.

This is a far cry away from that time Callum first admitted that none of their fake relationship was fake to him.

Ben meets up with Jay for drinks as he promised he would, and eventually, Callum, Chantelle and Whitney all turn up to buy a few more rounds. They spend time together, laughing, looking forward to the upcoming months.

Ben looks around at some point, at the family he's in, the world he's leaving tomorrow. It hurts, but he's taking the leap for his dream and everyone is behind him, supporting him.

Callum takes hold of his hand under the table minutes later, smiling as Jay starts joking about something. He must have seen Ben's inward battle on his face, choosing to comfort him in a way that doesn't bring attention.

Ben squeezes his hand back, smiling too. He loves this man.

When they arrive back home, it's silent, the only sound being their coats brushing together as they hang them up, soft kisses shared as Callum presses Ben against the wall beside them. 

Their eyes say so much they can't speak because it hurts too much, but Callum kisses him so open, hands settled on Ben's chest before taking him upstairs.

A few hours later, Callum orders a meal from their favourite takeaway, giving Ben a choice of what type of ice cream he'd like to eat during their movie.

Callum answers the door in one of Ben's old hoodies, saying thanks to the driver before heading back upstairs, sliding into bed next to Ben who kisses his cheek before tucking in.

Halfway through their dinner, Callum's phone pings with a message from Whitney. He thinks nothing of it when he opens it, but the image attached causes Callum to move a hand over his mouth.

"Babe," Callum moves the phone so Ben can see, and he too, looks shocked at what he sees.

_"They're engaged?"_

The image is of Chantelle and Whitney, arms around each other as Whitney kisses her cheek, Chantelle holding up her hand to show the brilliant, jewelled ring.

They must have celebrated today instead of tomorrow knowing Ben and Callum won't be able to. It's that small detail that they didn't have to think about, but they do.

"God," Callum doesn't know what to say, and eventually, he turns to Ben, who by chance, is already looking at him.

Maybe it isn't chance. Maybe they're thinking the same thing.

_Will that be us one day?_

_We've already said — but when?_

_Does he still feel the same?_

Sending congratulations from both himself and Ben, Callum places his phone aside and focuses back on their food, the question still on his mind.

The laptop sits at their feet, and as the credits roll, Ben hums from where he rests his head on Callum's chest.

"I think today was perfect," he says, hand moving over Callum's stomach.

"Yeah," Callum looks down to him, nose in his hair. "You are."

"Alright mister poetic," laughs Ben, but it makes him shift and curl into Callum more regardless.

He doesn't want to ask, but he needs to.

"What time's your flight again?" Callum already knows, but he needs to hear his voice, his hand moving through the locks of Ben's hair at the back of his head.

"Too early," mumbles Ben, "too soon." 

Callum chuckles, but he feels the same. It's too soon, too early, and they only have hours left until a _month_ of not being together. 

"Do you want me to drop you off?" asks Callum, looking down at Ben the moment he looks up.

"It won't be wise, but, yeah," Ben grips some of his nightshirt. "Please."

"Okay," Callum kisses his forehead, Ben tipping his chin up so that their lips can meet, gentle as first, and then falling into more and more until Ben can't stop.

"God, I'm gonna' miss you so much," Ben wraps his arms around him, hugging because he's too afraid of anything in case it might break his heart knowing he's leaving tomorrow.

"There used to be a time you couldn't stand me," Callum pokes his side, Ben squirming.

"Nope, still missed you back then too," says Ben, sinking to the pillow and Callum going with him. "Something always felt right when you were around. Didn't know what it was, still don't, but I can't ignore it."

Callum hums, brushing Ben's fringe back. 

"Save the goodbyes for tomorrow," says Callum, cupping the back of Ben's head. "Just be here, with me, right now."

"Yeah," smiles Ben. "That sounds alright."

Ben falls asleep in his arms knowing it'll be the last time for a while.

\- - -

_14TH OF FEBRUARY_

_TRAINING MONTH_

Well. It's the moment of truth. 

Ben holds Callum's hand in one hand, the other holding onto a suitcase he hastily packed this morning with Callum's help.

He wishes Callum could come, but the restaurant rebranding and reopening requires the owner to be there, and maybe nearer the actual racing season, Callum will be able to come out and watch him.

Callum swallows as he turns to Ben, his eyes already brimming with tears because he knows this is it for at least a month.

 _A month._ It sounds awful.

"Not too late to make me stay," Ben laughs, but he's choked up, taking hold of Callum's scarf as they stand in the buzzing terminal, announcements over speakers and staff moving around.

"I want you to," Callum replies, kissing his forehead, keeping hold of Ben's hand, the other soft on his cheek. "But I also want you to go chase your dream like you were meant to years ago."

Ben nods, head falling into Callum's chest as they embrace, swaying _slightly_ because Ben might convince _himself_ to stay if he's not careful, Callum's hand firm on the back of Ben's head.

 _"I love you so much,"_ Ben whispers into his chest, gripping the back of his coat with both hands, suitcase dropping to the floor.

 _"I love you too,"_ Callum cries, the world around them no longer important, not giving any care to the eyes that look at them. _"I love you so much, okay? I love you, always."_

Ben nods, knowing, feeling it in the way Callum's holding him.

When they let go, their eyes linger, hands still gripping because they're afraid of letting go.

"Go on," Callum says, trying to laugh, but he has to wipe his tears away. "See you—"

Ben doesn't give him a chance to say it, reaching back to Callum to kiss him, to wind his arms around his shoulders and pull him down. Callum's hands grip his waist, circling around him when Ben continues to kiss him, feeling himself cry because he doesn't want to lose this, the ability to kiss Callum in a crowd full of people and feel so _free._

"None of that," says Ben, gasping for a breath when he pulls away. Callum brushes their noses together as he stares into Ben's eyes. "I'll text you when I land, okay? I'll bring home the win for you, promise."

"I know you will," Callum kisses him again, intending for it to be quick, but Ben keeps him there, laughing when the announcement for his flight rings out.

"Gotta' go, handsome," says Ben, laughing. "No house parties while I'm gone."

"The only one I'll have is when you're back home."

"Back home to you," adds Ben, wiping Callum's tear away with his thumb.

Callum smiles, hugging him once more before letting go, watching as Ben picks up his suitcase and walks off, pulling the snapback over his head.

There he goes. The future.

Callum's future.

\- - -

_26TH OF FEBRUARY_

Agony.

That's one way to describe how his heart feels without Ben. Even Pip is suffering, always waiting at the door for when Ben usually comes home from the garage.

He has to sit on the floor with her sometimes, keep her company, whisper that he's coming back soon and they'll all be together again but it feels like hell knowing there's still a long way to go.

The TV in Kathy's cafe always has the racing channel on now, the coverage of the training season in full swing as it follows and lists upcoming rookies, returning champions and the highlights from every track session.

Today?

They're talking about Ben.

Callum's eyes are drawn to him, the HD TV Kathy got installed just for this showing Ben in his new racing suit, sponsors already building up on his arm, just stepping out of his car as he holds his helmet in his hands. 

_"Ben Mitchell, new to the bronze league and looking to climb the ranks with his dominating racing style. I haven't seen many rookies come onto the scene and demand attention like he does,"_ the presentator sounds ecstatic, the picture changing to Ben standing in the team garage, talking with engineers as they look over the engine of the car. _"He's been slashing his times by seconds every lap, and he's only going to get quicker."_

_"I agree! He seems to learn with every go at that first track. He takes the chicane like it's nobody's business!"_

Callum smiles to himself as his driver picture comes up, his car beside him, the presenters going over statistics, times, estimated position of the grid when racing season arrives.

"God, he's doing well then, ain't he?" Whitney cheers, whistling when Ben is expected to reach position three on the grid for the first race. It's good, _really_ good.

"Yeah," Callum feels a sense of pride. "He told me he's really enjoying it out there."

Chantelle is sat by Whitney, arm around her shoulders as she sips her tea. Both of them watch Ben on TV, even Kathy telling customers to wait so she can see her son on the big screen.

And then a video pops up, the presenter talking over it while Ben ruffles his hair, having just taken his helmet off.

Kathy turns the TV up as the live interview is about to start, the faded sound of other pro cars trying their luck on the track beside him.

_"Ben! It's good to talk to you and have your first interview with us."_

Ben smiles, nodding, _"Yeah, good to be here!"_

_"Your times are looking better every run. How does that make you feel about the upcoming season?"_

A car races past, making Ben pause, the interviewer appreciates it, waiting for the noise to pass before talking again.

 _"It makes me excited to be honest. To be predicted third on my first race is better than I could've asked for, especially since I'm new to this league. I'm not aiming for the Silver League at all, just wanna' get some time on the track and build my foundations here before I look at going anywhere else,"_ Ben is so focused when he talks, eyes on the man interviewing him as he stands in his racing suit, stubble on his jaw, the sides of his hair short and his fringe starting to curl.

Callum sighs. He's so annoyingly handsome.

 _"In for the long run?"_ The interviewer asks.

Ben glances to the camera, and Callum wants to leap out of his chair thinking Ben somehow sees him.

But Ben just smirks, dropping his head, a smile that isn't related to racing at all.

_"Yeah. Yeah I am."_

_He's talking about Callum._

As the presenters start talking about other drivers, Callum continues to talk to Whitney and Chantelle about how Ben's doing, and then shifting onto wedding plans since they're hoping to do it in the summer.

"Callum?" Whitney asks.

"Yeah?"

"Will you help me pick my dress?"

_Oh._

His stomach flips, suddenly excited, "Yeah! Yeah, I'd love to."

Chantelle speaks up now, "And I want Ben to help with mine."

"What, really?" It does sound like a joke, but the fiances look serious.

"Yeah! I know he's over the pond right now to become a super famous championship driver but I'll plan stuff for when he gets back in the break, okay?" Chantelle sounds so sure, and Callum's about to agree, but he hesitates. Chantelle notices. _"After_ you see him first, of course."

They all laugh, and eventually, Callum agrees. Ben and Chantelle actually got on really well during the Christmas gathering, since he's too scared to talk to Whitney considering their past.

"I'll tell him when I next talk to him," Callum reaches over, taking hold of each of their hands. "I'm really happy for you both, really. I'm so happy I get to see you two reach that happy ending."

Whitney and Chantelle turn to look at each other, smiling, diamonds in their eyes as Chantelle tucks a strand of hair behind Whitney's ear, leaning in to kiss her softly.

Callum lets go when the pair talk between themselves, only to realise Callum is still there, and it feels odd seeing him without Ben at his side.

"When?" Chantelle asks.

"When what?" Callum replies.

"When is it gonna' be your guys' turn?" Whitney laughs when Callum pales.

But he's been thinking about it, a lot, especially now Ben is so far away and he's not so focused on every second of the day with him.

"Maybe one day," he says, shuffling on his chair. "We've talked about it but I don't think we're ready for that. We're happy as we are, you know? A day at a time sort of thing."

Chantelle nods, taking a sip of her drink before continuing, her hand on Whitney's opposite shoulder.

"We love you both, and I'm sure you'll know when it's the right time. Sometimes it isn't, though, and it'll still be the moment you've been dreaming of, you just don't know it yet."

Whitney agrees, taking a sip of her drink also. Callum remembers Whitney talking about how Chantelle took her to this fancy, beautiful restaurant, booking a balcony table with gorgeous food and proposed as the moon began to glow overhead.

Callum smiles towards their hands when they hold each other on the tabletop again. Maybe.

Maybe she's right.

Callum hopes she is.

\- - -

_1ST OF MARCH_

Callum is trying to settle into the idea of spending his first month without Ben.

It's not like before because this time, they're in love and Ben's going to come home eventually. He's going to come home to Callum.

But the house? It's quiet.

If he was back in his old house, he'd have the noise of the square to keep him company, the small road and old taxis but here, in the countryside, there's an occasional bird and odd car driving past on the main road.

Ben, when they had spent a weekend at the cottage again during the new year, packed up Callum's vinyl player and brought it home together.

Now, Callum stares at the kitchen spot where Ben used to come up behind him, kiss the side of his neck as the music started and make him dance along, to sway and kiss like they're on a beach somewhere, the waves at their toes.

Callum misses him. It's almost impossible how much he does. The time zones suck too because they can't even share the same sun or share the same stars and know the other is looking up too and thinking about him.

There's an hour or two, a little space of time where they can exist in the night like they used to, the rush of winning and the clock hands on their wrists turning to 3am, then to 4am, then even 5am and watching the sun come up.

Ben calls every night, having promised that they'd talk and eventually video call but Callum doesn't know if it's a good idea. Seeing him and not having him at the same time is some sort of yearning he's not used to.

Honestly, those long distance relationship films he's seen do _not_ prepare for the real thing.

Maybe it's a testament to how much they love each other, bound to stand side by side even if their lives force them apart. It feels as if his heart left on that plane with Ben almost a month ago now.

 _God._ He never wants to part from him again.

Pip sleeps by the fire as he makes his way upstairs, his mind becoming cruel as his hand grows warm, remembering the many times they've done this same walk.

Their first time, full of fear and somewhat new love, to now, where they're either tugging from exhaustion to help each other up to bed, or the playful exchange of laughter, the _ow, shit!_ when Ben bangs his toe against the top step because he's too busy looking up at Callum.

It makes Callum huff, to close his eyes at the top step, to grip the banister and think about how crazy this all is. In a way, he feels silly, to miss someone this much but Ben has become such a permanent puzzle piece in his life that the picture isn't clear without him.

The ping from his phone makes him look down, and for a moment his heart whispers _Ben,_ hoping.

_Whitney, 3:08am: [has ben called you yet? :(]_

Callum's been texting her all night, trying to keep his mind off it. She's _meant_ to be asleep, but she must be up, knowing Callum is restless with having told her they're planning to video call today.

_Callum: [no, not yet. think he might be heading back to the hotel now]_

_Callum: [shouldn't you be asleep?]_

Callum finally picks himself up from the top step, heading over to the bedroom, _their_ bedroom, looking around and feeling _empty._

_This is horrible. Worse than break-up horrible._

One of Ben's jackets sits slung over the chair near the wardrobe, and Callum is helpless in reaching for it, bringing it to his face to inhale whatever scent of Ben lingers from the last time he wore it.

Deciding almost too quickly, Callum pulls his shirt over his head and threads his arms through the jacket instead, the fabric worn but soft on his skin from being washed so many times. He could hug himself right now and maybe he'd find a bit of inner peace, but his phone pings again.

_Whitney: [im sorry cal. this must be horrible for you. you practically just got together for real]_

_Callum: [its okay. no need to apologise, and we can talk tomorrow okay? you need sleep. you got a wedding to plan, not me! can i meet you in the cafe some time? need to talk to you]_

_Whitney: [alright, sure. and please stop reminding me, im as nervous as anything!]_

_Whitney: [give pip a hug from me. see you in a few hours. love you xx]_

_Callum: [love you too whit xx]_

He throws his phone to the bed, landing next to the laptop that's been on charge, waiting for hours for that annoying little dial tone. 

"Come on, Ben," he says as he looks over, thumb playing with the end of the jacket sleeve. It's short on him but he doesn't mind. 

The laptop starts ringing.

Callum's never moved so fast, reaching for the laptop, moving the trackpad and watching the screen come alive as _Ben_ becomes written across the screen.

He clicks accept, and there he is.

Ben has this strange, empty expression that lights up as soon as they meet eyes. Callum settles himself on the bed, getting comfy without taking his eyes off him, and his heart battles between the relief of seeing him and the sadness knowing he's an ocean away.

"That's my jacket," grins Ben, his eyes all soft as he smiles.

"I know," replies Callum, a thumb to his lip as he smiles. It's good to see him, really. Seeing him on the TV doesn't compare because Ben can't see Callum. "That's my hoodie."

"I know," Ben repeats, taking a bit of the fabric at the collar between his fingers. It shows enough skin to show he isn't wearing the necklace, his promise ring.

Callum must notice because his face falls, and Ben wishes he could put it back, to kiss him and feel the smile that'll form because of him.

"I can't wear it when I drive," says Ben, and Callum takes a breath, relief, or something. "Health and safety thing and I don't wanna' lose it by taking it off and on, so," Ben moves the laptop so it shows more of the pillow beside him. "I keep it on your pillow."

_Your pillow, as if no one belongs there beside him except Callum._

_God, he wants to hug him, kiss him, have him home._

"You're so soft," laughs Callum, but Ben has no idea how much that gesture burns Ben's name onto his heart.

"It's what love does to you, ain't it?" Ben tilts his head, smiles and keeps it there.

Callum takes in more of the room around Ben, the large windows allowing moonlight in, curving over Ben's shoulder as he rests on his side, head propped up.

"Nah," replies Callum, doing the same. "S'you. Always been you."

Ben wrinkles his nose, "You're ruining my image."

"Which one? The one where you sulk because I don't kiss you when I'm cooking or the face you make _after_ I've kissed you? Your _image_ is pretty soft both times," Callum's thumb moves his promise ring around his finger, still caught on the fact Ben _still_ has the hoodie from when they broke up. Maybe he still feels guilty about it.

They didn't really break up because they weren't together in that way, but it sure felt like one.

"Alright, don't bully me," mumbles Ben, closing his eyes because being reminded of kissing him when he can't feels like another type of hell. "How have you been?"

"Good."

_Lonely._

"That's good," replies Ben.

_Aching without you._

The air grows silent. There's no room for lying anymore, not when they can tell, not when they can _feel_ how much their hearts pull in the direction of one another.

"I miss you," says Ben, barely there, broken as he closes his eyes, hoping that when he opens them, Callum will be there.

He isn't. _Fuck._

"Wish I could just…" Ben points towards the screen, then goes to touch it, Callum only just about seeing his hand. "Wanna' go through the screen so I can be there with you."

Callum smiles, feels tears prickle his eyes but they don't fall.

"You know what I miss the most?" Ben asks, hand returning to where it holds the pillow, as if that's a clue for what he's about to say.

"My cooking?"

Ben laughs, and the sound is so crackled through the speakers, no longer whole like it would be if he was next to him.

"God, that too," Ben hums, deciding not to bully himself with images of his favourite meals cooked by Callum and food from his favourite takeaway. "It's not that, though."

"Hmm?"

Ben pauses, fingers curling into the pillow, a somewhat innocent and unsure expression settled on his face. It's early for Callum, and he doesn't want him to stay up too long, even though the other side of him wants to talk to him for as long as he can.

What he does know, is that seeing him through a screen is only making his heart yearn for when he's back home again.

"I miss holding your hand."

It's said so softly, whispered, the only sound that's come through the speaker _almost_ together and the way it seems so fragile, Callum's heart splits in two.

Ben continues, eyes falling over Callum's face in the soft lamp light. He misses how warm and soft that lamp makes their room, all homey and _theirs._

"Just, having you there, you know? I know I don't do it often but, I… I reach out when I need you, and you always take my hand. I miss that, more than anything, and I miss you a lot I just — holding your hand makes me feel okay, like I'm real." Ben looks down to his own hand, moving his thumb back and forth along the sheets. "I was nervous today, like I got in that car and started panicking because I didn't know if I could do it. I just wanted to open the window and see you there."

Callum's heart splinters again, "I'm sorry, Ben."

Ben shakes his head, a little chuckle escaping, "Picturing your boyfriend kissing your hand and telling you _everything's gonna' be okay_ when you're an ocean away doesn't help, does it?"

No, it doesn't. Ben's not alone in his yearning, though. Not in the slightest.

"I miss being able to hold you," says Callum, and Ben's eyes gain this colour he hasn't seen all evening. "Coming home and kissing you, hugging you… I feel like every time I come home from work you'll be standing there and I get to do it again." Callum sighs, brushing his hand against his face, fingertips going through his hair to mess it up.

"I miss that too," sighs Ben. "God, this is shit. You're coming with me next time."

Callum laughs, "I get no say?"

"You don't need it, do ya? You just said you miss me!" Ben closes his eyes, grumbling as he hugs the pillow. "These damn pillows aren't even — they smell of so much fabric softener it's making me gag."

Callum laughs again, a hand over his mouth because he doesn't want to wake Pip downstairs. It feels like they're in University, video calling when one of them has to go home for the summer and one has to stay.

Ben stops talking, though, simply staring on as Callum does the same. He smiles, the smile that crinkles his eyes and Ben is helpless when he smiles back.

"You know what I'd do right now if I were there?" says Callum, looking over Ben's face and up to his hair.

"Yeah?"

"Close your eyes."

Ben perks up, "Oh, we're doin' _that?"_

"No! Just — close your eyes," Callum would nudge him if he could, but after a few moments, Callum watches Ben settle into the pillow once more, eyes closed. 

He hums for Callum to continue.

"The last night we were together before your flight," Callum closes his eyes too. "Do you remember what I did?"

"I couldn't sleep," says Ben, almost too quiet. Callum opens his eyes again when Ben sighs. "You... brushed your hands through my hair, over and over."

"Where?"

Callum watches as Ben lifts one hand, pointing to his temple, scratching there when it tickles from the imagery.

"I love it when you do that," Ben smiles, half of it hidden by the pillow. "Literally sends me to sleep."

Callum smiles too, "What else did I do?"

"You… uh, kissed my cheek. Oh, my forehead too, then my lips… and then you just... _held me_ until I fell asleep."

He chooses to stay quiet this time, watching as Ben lives through it himself, shoulders dropping from where they were held.

"I could hear your heart," Ben really wishes he could right now. He reaches up to hold his promise ring in a closed fist, and somehow, it helps. "You said you love me."

"I do," Callum wishes he could reach out and brush his fringe back, and he does, but his thumb just brushes over the screen where Ben's cheek is. "Always."

Ben's smile has little energy, but it's not because he doesn't want to. 

He can feel it, the pull of sleep, the imagery of himself and Callum and the soft rain against his hotel window. Ben's back in Callum's arms in his head, a desperate memory of himself saying _I can't sleep without you_ in that little family cottage.

It's true to this day, how Ben struggles to sleep without that warmth and love now he's found it.

He wants to say it back, that he loves Callum, but the way his body utterly surrenders to the memory of Callum and the comfort they share is proof of it regardless.

Callum smiles as minutes later, soft snores crackle through the speaker, his fringe all curly against his forehead and cheek pushed up from the pillow.

He wishes he was there. He's definitely going to be there next time.

Callum brings his hand up, his left one, kissing the promise ring he wears on his forefinger and he hopes that Ben can feel it through his own.

"I love you, Ben," whispers Callum, knowing Ben can't hear him but he says it anyway. 

He takes a moment to look over Ben's face, smiling warmly before closing his eyes, falling asleep himself with the laptop still on.

  
  


Ben wakes up hours later, blinking his eyes open to the screen still there, dim from battery but there.

Callum is still there too, sleeping on his arm, hand towards the laptop like he couldn't stop staring for a while, cursing that teleportation hasn't been invented yet.

Perhaps he kept the call going simply because Ben used to talk about waking up and seeing him, how it soothes him into the next day and here he is now, aware he needs to get up for training but content to stay and steal an extra five minutes.

He wishes he could kiss him, to brush that fringe back that's fallen onto his forehead and kiss there, to whisper _good morning._

Ben sighs, sitting up but leaving the call going, reaching for his phone to check for texts. Some from Lola, some from Chantelle since they exchanged numbers not long ago, but the one that makes him fall back to the pillow is Callum.

_Callum: [i know you'll be up before me. time zones and all that. good luck for today again. you got this]_

_Callum: [only 29 days until i see you again]_

Ben turns back to the screen, Callum's phone just in shot. He fell asleep on top of the covers, having sent that message at dawn when he usually wakes, but having only had two hours, Callum was helpless in falling back asleep. It is a Saturday, after all. Callum thinks it's his body clock waking him up, but he knows that it wouldn't be the case if Ben was here. He can't sleep without Ben either.

He leaves a message in the chat _[gotta run. love you x]_ before ending the call because that's what they agreed on. It's always hard to say goodbye when you're already apart.

\- - -

They're sitting in Kathy's cafe again while the sports coverage is on. It's Sunday, and racing season starts tomorrow.

Callum doesn't know if he should feel excited or nervous at the fact Ben will be racing for the trophy soon, watching him on TV race around those tracks for 40 laps each time with 30 other cars, a test of endurance and focus, skill and control.

"What's on your mind?" Whitney asks, making Callum look away from the TV, hoping they'll mention Ben.

Callum feels his stomach twist, because if he talks about what's on his mind, the pain will come back.

"Seeing him last night was tough," Callum moves his thumb around the rim of his mug, looking at the patterns of seashells and waves painted over the side of it.

"Did it help, though?"

Callum's not sure if it did, considering he's even more sad and thrown out of his groove. Work is hectic, demanding, and even though it's rewarding to see his hard work pay off, it's hell to know he can't see Ben because of it.

He's renovated the place, given it an expansion. It works as a cafe slash library on the left for the first half of the day, and then a professional restaurant till late on the right. They convert the cafe into a bar during those late hours.

"Help with what? Knowing I miss him or the fact I realise now that I can't spend a day without him?" Callum shrugs, sounding defeated. He should be happy, Ben seems happy at least, but he only knows what Ben chooses to tell him.

A small part of his soul thinks Ben isn't too happy either, torn in some way.

Whitney smiles, nudging him from where he sits beside her at the booth. "You know what that means, right?"

Callum looks to her, expression clearly confused.

"Not being able to spend a day without him — do you know what that means?" Whitney allows the words to sink in as she sips her tea, and Callum glances to her engagement ring for mere seconds and it _clicks._

_"Ben Mitchell is climbing the ranks quickly, isn't he?"_

Callum perks up, and Kathy shushes the cafe so that the TV can be heard.

 _"Certainly. I think he's really one to watch this season. A bright, new talent is always exciting to see in these leagues because we get to see them reach championship status over the years, sometimes months,"_ the infographic shows Ben's lap times. He's shaving off even more seconds as a replay of an earlier test lap plays while they speak.

He's racing as Callum knows he can, the control he has to turn and use the exact racing line for every corner. Ben's practically flying, and the car he's driving is just right for him and his style. Aggressive but bold. Callum remembers helping him build it, the late nights ordering food to finish it in time and _god_ was it worth it.

It shines on that track, made to be there.

_"I have a feeling he'll gain a real following over these next few weeks. Definitely one to keep an eye on."_

The topic changes to another driver, and Callum sighs as he thinks back to what Whitney said. His whole _heart_ pushed against his ribs wanting to go through that screen to Ben, and it's obvious more than ever.

"Yeah," he says, finally. "Yeah I do."

\- - -

A box arrives for Callum at about three in the afternoon. He's munching on a pizza slice when he accepts and signs for it.

Closing the door with his foot, he pushes it inside the kitchen, finishing his slice as he kneels to inspect the handwriting.

_Oh._

It's Ben, for sure.

He didn't mention sending anything.

Callum finds himself ripping off the sellotape before he can think twice, pausing when sees a little note sellotaped to the top of some tissue paper. It's a big box, up to his knees.

As he pulls the note from the top, he brings it closer to read it.

_— send us a pic. love b_

Callum places the note on one of the folds of the box, smiling fondly, wondering if Ben has become a little _too_ bored over there as he unfolds the tissue paper.

But oh.

It's _nothing_ like that.

Before him sits a folded vintage racing jacket, the team logo on the front, big stripes wrapped around the sleeves. It's blue, black and grey, the same colours as Ben's car and his racing suit. 

Standing up, Callum picks it up from the box, the fabric soft at his fingertips as he stretches it out in front of him. It's the same jacket Ben wears over his racing suit to keep him warm, and the tag inside the collar reads that it's limited edition, labeled _#01/10_ and that little fact makes Callum's heart _soar._

When he turns it around, reading what's there, he brings it against his chest and his whole soul beams.

  
  


_MEANWHILE_

_1 HOUR LATER_

Ben is just arriving at the track when his phone pings.

It's Callum, and he's already smiling before he opens the chat window, the tag reading _Callum has sent you a photo._

His mail must have arrived, the box of racing team goodies and a few sweets mixed in from over here, knowing Callum has that sweet tooth.

Ben beams, leaning against his car as he looks over the picture of Callum. He has Ben's racing team jacket on as he looks towards the camera over his shoulder, pointing with his thumbs to the _MITCHELL_ lettering over the back, patches over the sleeves and a cap on his head with their team logo to match. Callum's eyes are closed, mid laughter as he can spot Chantelle just out of frame, obviously having made a joke that tickled him. 

Whitney must have taken the picture, and Ben finds himself laughing when he reads the caption underneath.

_your biggest fan ready to go. fits perfect xx_

_also whitney and chantelle both want one!_

Ben bites his bottom lip in thought, thumb moving across it when he looks over the picture of Callum again.

His bright smile, the warmth he radiates, the _MITCHELL_ lettering he so proudly points to and wears.

_Mitchell._

_Callum Mitchell._

Yeah. It does fit perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you mean i waited 25 chapters and over 250k words to add my favourite "person a wears person b's team jacket with person b's name on it" trope. huh?


	26. giants

_ BRONZE LEAGUE RACING SEASON OFFICIAL START _

_ 2ND OF MARCH _

_ DAY 1, TRACK 1 _

_ \- - - _

Ben's not sure what he expected, to be honest.

Cars? Sure, that's a given.

His profession is now driving them at speeds with the control and skill that frightens most people, the bellowing sound of high pitched whistles from air pressure and glowing, red brakes from the heat of climbing up and down the speedometer.

Nerves? That's a given, too.

Considering he's only done practice runs it feels silly, like he's somewhat inferior to every other driver here because he doesn't have much track experience. Doing trials and allowing the mechanical beast out of its cage to see how it fights on the track is something that builds adrenaline and mercury boiling up Ben's spine, but it also brings a feeling that he's running out of time.

Practice runs are in short numbers, given and taken by how much your team wants you out there. Ben thinks he has some sort of power over that, explicitly telling them he needs that time, time to feel the weight under his hands and how the car jolts like a punch to his own gut from the speed when he sends it over a rumble strip on the apex.

This is all what he saw coming, the stuff he knows,  _ breathes for.  _ It's what he used to search for under the empty vacuum of space and night so he felt untouchable. Ben can't do that now, hide away, hoping that the empty vacuum will somehow suck the sound of his car engine out of existence.

People are watching him now, checking his time, seeing how he drives and works and it's  _ fucking frightening. _

He tells Callum it's fun, different, a little nerve wracking and that's the only truth he tells him because he's not sure what to label his fear other than a bucket full of new battles. 

Ben tries not to let it get to him as he walks through the track grounds. The other drivers seem so concrete, fitting in, already dug so deep into the track that they're itching to get back out there and climb the ranks before more rookies sign up and halve their chances.

They look on Ben like a baby bird, lucky on its first glide to the next tree branch and  _ God,  _ Callum would laugh if he knew that, call them fools, think back to all the times he's been with Ben and happily list them and how it made him feel on top of the world.

Baby birds can't do that, rise to the top.

_ Phoenix's  _ can, though. They rise from the dark into the light and nothing burns as much as they do. He's an Aries after all, a fire sign, one he shares with Callum and maybe that's why they burn so bright together. Ben only smirks with that thought in mind, pulling down his snapback as he zips up his racing suit to the neck, chin up to avoid the zip and hiding his undershirt beneath.

Honestly, he's never felt so strong.

Compared to rolling through the night — and nothing will beat that feeling — it's different, open, where you have to spread those wings and show people how to fly.

His name is up in lights, the number  _ 03  _ next to his name and the sticker on the side of his car. The racing suit he wears is all black, blue and white decals under his arms and over his chest, curving up to his neckline. On his cap, the name  _ MITCHELL RACING  _ is stitched in blue and white, the cap black.

Granted, he's not in the silver or gold league but his performance in the pre-season has gained him followers —  _ thousands  _ in fact, having to get himself verified on social media and make an official account for fans to follow and hype up the upcoming season. 

His first post for the season is a picture of Ben with his back to the camera, waist up, racing suit on as he looks over his shoulder to the side, an unfocused background of the team garage around him. The light coming from the open garage door frames him, his cap on and his face only just visible.

_ benmitchellracing — day 1, race 1 _

Ben remembers smiling when he saw the notification of  _ calhighway03 liked your photo. _

_ Ben, 12:04am: [you got my notifs on? ;)] _

_ Callum, 5:04pm: [shut up] _

_ Callum: [you look good in that suit] _

_ Callum: [god im so proud of you. can't believe where you are, where you're gonna go] _

_ Ben: [those are three very different tones of text] _

_ Ben: [want me to bring the suit home? may be able to sneak it] _

_ Callum: [pretty sure you have a race to focus on?] _

_ Ben: [ouch :(] _

Callum follows him on all of them already, of course.

Ben  _ is  _ and  _ feels  _ like gold, like he's worth something but it's not just because of that. He wouldn't have made this step without his family, his boyfriend, his  _ world. _

It'll all be for nothing if he can't focus.

He's expected to place third today because of how well he did in the practice runs pre-season. It's incredibly good for a first run, but it's the  _ pressure,  _ the expectation to meet that or exceed it that feels like someone is pushing at the back of his neck.

Even as he walks into his team garage, the atmosphere feels heavy,  _ nothing  _ like the events or meet-ups. This is a large room, a command room, Ben's car in the middle and opening up on the other side to the pit lane of the track. Monitors line one side of the wall with chairs for engineers and Ben's team manager, Antonio, to sit and watch the car through the race. Everyone is here to do a job, and Ben's is to sit in that car and bring home the win. 

Even now, the engineers are hard at work preparing and checking over his car, tablets with wires plugged into the engine making sure the furnace of whatever demon lives inside that car is breathing right.

"Ben," he hears his name to the right. Antonio. "You ready for Day 1?" 

Ben hums, giving a firm nod but Antonio doesn't seem convinced. He claps Ben's shoulder just as the crowd outside in the stands cheers from a presenter getting them hyped up. The buzz is different from the crowd he stood in face to face with Danny.

"Sorry, coach. Just nerves," Ben gives a smile, hands in the pockets of his suit, looking back to his car and for a moment he's transported back to the garage that stands miles and  _ miles  _ away from where he is now.

Callum's there, hazy in his mind as he shuts the bonnet, a sigh falling from his lips as he wipes the sweat from his brow.

_ "She's ready,"  _ he'd said, that smile so bright as Ben came up beside him, hand reaching for his over the grey paint of the hood.  _ "Are you?" _

It rings out, those words.

_ Are you? _

His throat feels dry.  _ Fuck. _

"Hey," he knocks Ben's chest with his knuckle. "Come back down to earth, yeah? Go spend five in the break room. You've got ten till you need to be in that car and heading out. Right?"

"Right," replies Ben, giving a cautious glance to the team who look just as nervous as he does. Their last driver didn't do so well, falling to the bottom of the table in three races.

They have fresh hope and fresh nerves that Ben might carry them higher.

Ben finds himself fiddling with the zip of his suit, pulling it between his teeth as he walks into the break room connected at the back of the garage. There's a TV in here, a snack machine that doesn't require any money to punch a button and a water fountain that Ben has two thoughts about emptying over his head.

_ Fuck.  _ He shouldn't be getting so worked up about this. 

He brushes his hand through his hair and reaches into his pocket for his phone as the TV covers what the public sees, the sweeping shots of the track and the crowds who managed to grab a ticket.

Ben's avoided the searching camera crews hoping for an interview, the dreaded question of  _ how are you feeling about the race  _ burned into his brain, and he doesn't need reminding of how his stomach flips at the thought of waiting on that grid for the light to turn red.

He needs something to calm him, or  _ someone. _

Ben's pressing call before his aching heart tells him otherwise.

_ "Ben." _

_ Ah.  _ It's like relief, hearing his voice, how it settles the wild wings reaching out of his back.

"Hey," Ben says, head down, speaking to the floor as he leans forward, elbows on his knees. "Wanted to hear your voice."

_ "You alright?"  _

_ Of course he asks. Of course he knows. _

"Nervous, is all," Ben breathes through his teeth, using his other hand to scratch the side of his head, holding it when he's done. "Feels different."

_ "Well, I got somethin' that'll cheer you up,"  _ Callum moves his phone away from his ear and Ben can hear the muffled sounds of other people.

"I  _ am _ in a private room if it's  _ that  _ kind of cheering up," and Ben laughs at the sigh that sounds through the speaker. "I'm kidding. What is it?"

There's a beat of silence, Callum humming before Ben feels his phone vibrate with a text.

_ "Check your messages,"  _ he says, and Ben frowns for a moment before pulling the phone away from his ear. He taps away from the call, eyes falling upon his chat with Callum and the picture is something that makes his heart swell.

Everyone is there at his house,  _ their  _ house, Callum in the corner of the photo smiling with one thumb up as the rest of the picture shows what's behind him.

Lexi and Lola are sitting on the sofa, Lexi pointing to the big screen as Ben's interview from yesterday replays. Ben can imagine her saying  _ there he is! There he is!  _ because Callum told him she's always waiting for Ben to pop up. Peter and Jay seem to be having a heated argument about something, probably predictions or a bet and it's typical for them. Pip is cuddled with Whitney and Chantelle, the newly engaged couple completely comfortable in each other's arms, Whitney resting her head back on Chantelle's shoulder.

Lexi even wears the racing team shirt Ben sent her along with Callum's jacket, food and snacks on the middle table, the extra large TV mounted on the wall. Callum insisted he spend some of his savings on a better one just for this, for Ben.

Kathy looks more nervous than Ben in the corner, eyes on the screen with tears in her eyes, proud.

_ "We're all here,"  _ says Callum, chuckling when Lexi cheers at the same time the crowd does over on this side of the ocean.  _ "We're all cheering for you." _

Ben thought he'd be racing alone on the track but none of that is true. It's not like the races he used to have, the feeling they used to bring.

There's a knock on the door. It's Antonio, poking his head through.

"Ready to rock and roll?" he says, hand on the door as he looks at Ben's phone. Even if his tyres aren't meant to hit the track for a few more minutes he needs to focus on  _ that  _ and not how heartbroken he feels.

"Yeah, coach," replies Ben, getting a nod from Antonio as he leaves the room.

_ "You gotta go?"  _

Ben hates how sad he sounds.

"Yeah," Ben picks at the end of his sleeve, biting his lip before he speaks again. "See you on the other side?"

_ "Go show them who you are, Ben,"  _ Callum has that usual voice, the tone that makes Ben believe he can do anything. He's been patient with Ben, more than he could've asked for, and he's still giving him that push.  _ "You're in the light now, as cheesy as that sounds. You ain't got those demons anymore, just feel it and drive." _

Ben nods, taking a deep breath that rattles the tip of his spine. Adrenaline, it's starting already, churning the steady furnace in his heart.

"You got it, sunshine."

Callum laughs quietly to himself,  _ "I know you do." _

The call ends. No goodbyes. That's one rule they can both agree with.

Sighing, Ben stands up, heading to the door, hand on the handle and taking a breath that feels like it's burning his throat.

As soon as he opens it, he'll hear the crowd even more, the electric air crackling over every surface and between his bones. This is what he's here for, to curve and arc that spark, to win.

Ben steps into the garage just as they allow the car back onto its wheels with a soft bounce. Another engineer spots him, handing over his new helmet, mainly black with white and blue details, his name  _ B.MITCHELL  _ stuck to the visor on the left, the GB flag beside.

Alright. This is it.

Antonio gets a radio that wheels need to hit the track, and he does the roll call as Ben reaches under his racing suit, pulling up the protective layer over his mouth, the rest over his head, headphone in his good ear to keep in contact with his team before sliding his helmet over.

He makes sure he's secure before stepping towards the car, some of the engineers still making checks, some of the pit team preparing tyres by rolling them out in covers to the box outside.

When the pit leader gives Ben the thumbs up, Ben opens the door, slides in and reaches back outside for the wheel that an engineer passes him.

"Good luck," they say, closing the door with a thump as Ben slots the wheel into the slot on the dashboard.

Antonio pats the hood, the signal to get Ben moving. Ben watches from his seat inside the car as other cars roll past, their teams pushing the cars while it's in first to save fuel for the actual race.

Ben does the same, allowing his team to push the relatively light car, stripped to necessity and safety only to reduce weight. It rolls out of the garage and onto the pit lane with relative ease, going out the wrong way to which Ben will drive in when the race is on.

It's then that Ben sees the crowd, full of people and banners, flags and horns. This time, he's not alone when he rolls up to his spot on the grid because his team is with him, and his family is at home watching him chase that dream, cheering him on.

This is nothing like the night. This is a celebration of speed and skill, an event where people come to have fun, not escape.

The engineers doing final checks over his car give Ben a thumbs up from outside, testing communications with Ben and his headphone before leaving him there on the track.

He's in bracket three, first place ahead of him, a car's length away. Being so close to his first win on the first official race day makes him even more hungry for it.

Ben removes his hands from the wheel, tipping his head back. He just needs a moment to calm the wild drum in his chest, to drown out the crowd that cheers with such enthusiasm, even more as one by one, the cars come to life in a symphony of metal and fire.

_ "Wake them up, Ben." _

That's the signal from Antonio, and Ben reaches over to the passenger seat, replaced with buttons and consoles, lights and switches. There's only room for one person in this car and that's Ben.

Considering this is his old car but modified into the big leagues, hearing that familiar sound eases the worry in his bones. The short little chuckle it does, the click and then the  _ growl _ it produces having enough bass to shake the floor around it.

If his old car was meant to scare people, then this is meant to dominate, to take the cup home.

_ "They all good?" _

"Sounds amazin, coach," Ben places one hand back on the wheel, flicking a switch that opens the exhaust, something akin to breathing fire bursting from the cylinder. "Your team knows how to make a monster."

_ "Ah, you did most of it with your Callum,"  _ Ben remembers talking about him.  _ Shit.  _ He doesn't think he actually stopped

Whether they've guessed it's Ben's other half or not is still yet to be tested.

"Still," Ben shrugs, sliding the glass on his visor down before returning his other hand to the wheel. He grips it tight, white knuckles tight before breathing easy, allowing himself to settle back into the seat. Ben presses a button on his wheel to communicate back with his team. "What's the plan?"

_ "Keep third,"  _ and there's no  _ if you can  _ because Ben is  _ good.  _ It's why he's gained such a following already.  _ "When you're due to pit we might catch second depending on what they do. Leave that to us." _

"Got it," replies Ben, seeing the first light spark up in green.

_ "Race is starting,"  _ Antonio starts laughing.  _ "Let's fucking go lads! First race of the season! Go get it!" _

Ben smirks behind his helmet as the cheer of his team comes through, eyes on the lights as one by one, every two seconds, another goes green.

He knows that back home, Callum is probably sitting on the edge of his seat, nervous, eyes on Ben's car with his heart in his throat.

Grasping the handbrake, foot on the pedal ready, the tension draws tight between that last light, car engines winding up and sparking, waiting and  _ waiting  _ until—

_ Red. _

Every car charges like a bull from an open gate when they see red, the sounds of metal and pressure, air and fire all rising at once, some tyres catching on the tarmac as 30 cars launch into a sprint. They all  _ squeeze _ up at high speed towards the first corner, the pops of exhaust, the efficient brakes that snap the car's acceleration in half, drivers turning only to gradually push the pedal again.

The commentators talk even faster than the cars, their voices going a mile a minute, talking about one car colliding with another, who makes it out of the first corner better off, the pack of cars slowly falling one behind the other like one long snake trying to gain the advantage by hiding in their draft line.

Ben is still in third, fourth behind him, practically kissing the back of his car like he's doing the same with second. It's a tug of war with speed, who sees an opening first and who dares to take it.

It's like that for the first ten laps, the pack thinning out into the leaders, the middle and the back of the pack. The only chance the back of the pack has is pitting early and hoping it'll give them a chance to catch up when the leading pack pits, but it's always slim.

By the twelfth lap, Ben finds an opening, squeezing on the inside of a corner to pass second while only  _ just  _ trading paint, roaring out ahead because of that very inside line.

_ "Nice one!"  _ His team radios in, but it's not won yet. Not at all.

By the 25th lap, Ben needs to pit, and his team radios in, telling him to take this next lap as fast as he can and then try and catch first in the pit lane.

Ben has to slow down as he's driving into the pit lane, cruising on max speed behind first place, that car turning to its box as Ben keeps going.

As Ben turns into his own team's spot a bit further down, his team is already standing there waiting, ready to spring into action the moment Ben stops his car in that box.

The car is lifted quickly with one press of an engineers foot, tyres changed in a whizz of electrical buzzes and clicks. Fuel is given in seconds and before Ben knows it, his tyres bounce in contact with the tarmac again, the sign in front of him spun from  _ STOP  _ to GO and he's off.

Ben checks his mirror, sees first driving up the pit lane and  _ just  _ squeezes in front, Ben's team cheering and exchanging high fives as they did what they said they'd do. 

He's in first now, Ben just needs to keep it. Easier said than done.

When pit lane becomes track again, Ben unleashes the power, the car roaring back into a charge as second place rivals him, coming up behind, on the attack already.

It's a battle for many laps, the back and forth of first and second as the final lap looms over them.

Ben loses first on the 38th lap, clicking his tongue when the guy manages to squeeze through the inside line, forcing Ben to take the outside.

He would've kept it but he's following his team. No aggressive driving like in the practice runs with the faster times. Drive smart, get some points, win the later ones when they think you're an easy pushover.

Ben crosses the line under the waving flag in second place. His team cheers in victory through his headphone, and for the first time in what feels like minutes when it's been an hour, Ben  _ breathes. _

He thumps his head against the seat, hands falling to the middle of the wheel as the car slows, taking one last lap, leaving room for those still racing as they head home to the pits.

There's a podium waiting for him, first place already parked and stepping out, Ben parking into second as the cameras flock around the winning cars.

_ Here we go. _

Ben steps out to see his team rushing over, hopping and skipping as they all crowd in on Ben.

"Sorry guys, I couldn't—"

He's cut off. They're hugging him, patting him on the back and it shocks Ben because he didn't  _ win.  _ He didn't bring home every point for the table and it might cost him if he has a few bad races down the line.

"You got it! You got second on the first race of the season!" Antonio pats both of his shoulders, laughing when Ben looks caught in headlights. "Lighten up, son! You're on the fucking podium!"

Ben looks beside him, up to the big screen and there he is. His name in lights, a silver trophy next to his name, 8 points on the table.

He's a winner. Getting on the podium means you're a winner.

It's not like before where not winning meant losing everything. Getting a spot on the grid doesn't guarantee you'll finish in the spot you started with, so for Ben to keep it and climb to second is something monumental, especially for a rookie on the scene.

Ben's smile becomes a grin, and soon he's bombarded with champagne, taking off his helmet and shaking off the bubbles with laughter falling from his lips.

_ Callum. _

In that moment, he wants to turn around and see him, say  _ I did it, I did it  _ but he's not there, oceans away behind a camera.

He'll have to go grab his phone after this, call him, tell him how he felt, how it felt for Callum watching him.

Ben's body buzzes with electricity, a heightened feeling he's never felt before in all of his life racing. And to think he'll be feeling this again and again for the rest of the years to come?

It makes him feel alive.

\- - -

_ "How are you feeling about the race?"  _ Callum is laying down on their bed, Pip snuggled up at his side, sleeping with the occasional twitch of her ears from dreaming.

Ben takes a moment to take the sight in. Callum looks unbelievably soft, hair all loose against the sheets, loose shirt showing one of his shoulders, Pip snoring on his chest. He wishes he was there,  _ so  _ wishes he was there.

"Was… amazing, actually," says Ben, and the smile Callum gives through the screen is enough to replace the night outside.

_ "Yeah? I imagine it's different." _

"Oh, yeah. It's really different. There's this whole thing about the cameras, about this being bigger than just me and how fast I can drive fourty laps. Then I have the team, the other drivers who are surprisingly cheerful and friendly. It's like they're all there to… to have fun."

_ "No big egos anymore,"  _ replies Callum.  _ "I see some of the photos of you with the other drivers and they do seem nice. It's like even if you lose, there's still rivalry, like a friendly one." _

"For sure. A lot of them have been there years, content with staying in the league instead of climbing. They just enjoy racing like I do, the whole bigger  _ hype  _ around it," Ben sits up from his bed, Callum looking over his face as he listens. "Feels like I'm meant to be there, like I've finally found it."

Callum strokes his hand across Pip's head, smiling as Ben smiles back.

"What?"

_ "I'm happy for you, Ben,"  _ says Callum, looking up at the ceiling for a moment.  _ "You always used to drive like you had every bit of freedom but you never really did. Now… now you do, and it's so rewarding to see." _

"Don't get all sappy on me, Cal." Ben laughs as Callum rolls his eyes. "I'm yet to grab a win."

_ "I think getting to where you are is a win in itself." _

\- - -

Day 2 of the race is a different version of the track he first raced on. More corners, more opportunities. The buzz after Ben's second place podium carries on into today, camera crews following him around and a spotlight on Ben to carry another podium on his shoulders.

The time lap goes well. His fastest lap gains him second position on the grid, one higher place than yesterday which means his chances to grab first at the first corner are fifty fifty.

But the actual race, things go wrong.

Ben loses out on the first corner, being pushed to the side, dropping to 7th. He pits at the right time but it's only enough to bump him to forth, and he manages to maintain it until the final lap when fifth scrapes by on the last corner.

He feels like shit afterwards compared to his performance yesterday, and he can't apologise to his team enough when he makes it back to the garage.

"Fifth is still two points, Ben. They all count in this long season." Antonio simply pats him on the shoulder and tells everyone to get moving.

They'll be on the road tomorrow, heading to the next track.

Ben's total stands at 10 points.

\- - -

Living out of hotels isn't bad, but Ben doesn't really have a good history with them. When he arrives after the day of travelling, he video calls everyone and they all have a catch up with a cup of tea. It feels genuine, something normal people do and Ben can't stop smiling.

They all wish him luck for the race tomorrow.

Callum sends him a picture of himself and Pip, all snuggled up and Ben wishes he was there, Callum's eyes peeking out from over Pip's head.

_ wish you were here x _

\- - -

Day 3 of the season isn't actually day 3, more like day four considering yesterday they travelled to the track.

Ben has to race for his grid position today like always before he races for real tomorrow.

It's a nice track, clean corners, lots of openings for speed and aggression. Ben's racing style down to its core.

He feels confident, and it shows when he places second on the grid again before the actual race. Commentators are starting to question him though, whether his first race was a one off and he'll start to hang back in the shadow of the podium but it just makes Ben want to prove them wrong.

He finds himself calling Callum before every race. It calms him, gives him strength.

This race, though — it becomes a headline.

_ BEN MITCHELL RACES TO VICTORY _

Ben wins with seven seconds between himself and second place, a guaranteed victory on the final straight as his car rockets across the tarmac. Gravity lifts and it feels like he's floating when he sees the crowd cheering, the faded chants of his name, the second wave of that cheer as Ben's car thunders past the waving checkered flag.

Callum cries his eyes out the whole last lap, knowing he's won it, a smile so big on his face that his cheeks don't stop hurting for hours.

Ben is showered with champagne on the podium, second and third doing the same to celebrate a rookie's first win.

The press conference afterwards is wild, the questions he's asked already talking about the future. More wins, more podiums, advancing to the silver league. Ben thinks a lot of the future, but not about his racing career.

Not when he rushes back to the team garage, heart buzzing in his chest as he reaches for his phone, dials the number.

_ "Congratulations!"  _ shouts through the speaker, and Ben falls against the wall, sinking to the floor as he cries in joy.  _ "Daddy! You won! You won you won you won!" _

Ben laughs, "I did Princess, I did!"

_ "Ben,"  _ and there's  _ his  _ voice, Callum's.  _ "I love you so much, you were incredible." _

He talks to them about the race, Ben's family feeding back what it was like to watch but the click of the door frightens him.

It's Antonio, stopping at the door. Ben smiles at him, about to stand up but Antonio puts his hand out.

"I'll call off the press for today," Antonio smiles, closing the door as he talks. "You talk to your family."

"Thanks, coach."

"Good work today, kid."

The door closes and he breathes again.

_ "Oh, do you have to go?"  _ Chantelle asks.

"No, not yet," Ben crosses his arms on his knees, looking at his car in front of him. "Go on, then. Tell me how cool I looked on the final lap."

Ben's total is 20 points.

\- - -

_ 12TH OF MARCH  _

The win changes everything.

It's one win but it's a win that stamps Ben's name in history, no matter how small. It's a win that puts all eyes on Ben, the  _ upcoming star, the rising rookie. _

His next two races go well. 2nd on one, 3rd on the next. 14 points to add to his total, making it 34 points. He's second on the league table.

Ben doesn't know what to say when he gets a phone call asking him to be the next cover of their magazine. Callum doesn't know what to do either when Ben tells him the news.

_ "They what?" _

"Cover of their magazine," Ben is taking off his shoes at the hotel having just arrived back from the track. Training day. "Want to highlight new, upcoming drivers and well, that's me."

_ "You're not pulling my leg, are you?" _

"No! 'Course not. I had to ask the same when they told me." Ben falls back to the bed,  _ finally  _ in comfort after a long day.

_ "Ben… that's— that's incredible. God — congrats, babe. I wish I was there to—" _

"I know," Ben grits his teeth.  _ He knows.  _ "But there'll be a time and a place to congratulate me, right?"

_ "Sure,"  _ laughs Callum.  _ "Just hope we somehow don't manage to do it in your car." _

"I'm surprised we haven't yet," Ben laughs when Callum starts to groan on the other end. It's so funny winding him up. "Considering we're always around cars."

"Yeah, and the ones we race in aren't exactly big enough or have a backseat."

Ben pushes one hand through his hair, closing his eyes to remember.

"There was that one time."

_ "When?" _ Ben allows him to work it out.  _ "Oh." _

_ There it is. _

Ben laughs when Callum stays silent. Yeah, they miss each other more than for that but it's still a part of them.

"Can't believe you forgot."

_ "I didn't! I just… I'd rather just… hold you right now, you know? I miss just being in the same room with you." _

Ben feels his chest split open and he can't have that.

"You forgot."

_ "I didn't at all. I never forget anything about you." _

Okay. Ben's asking for this, giving room for Callum to open up and soften his hardened heart. He closes his eyes, just listening to his voice as he talks.

It's the only way he can feel close to him now, that voice, how if he closes his eyes it's easier to imagine him laying next to him.

He has to keep telling himself like a mantra;  _ only a few weeks. Only a few weeks. _

The days suddenly start to drag.

\- - -

_ 15TH OF MARCH _

It's two days later when they call again, and  _ it's hell  _ when they don't get to talk. Sure, the wonder of technology sure is wonderful but nothing knocks them out of balance more than not hearing each other's voice.

Callum is always there to offer words of advice, his voice soothing and deep in a way that's warm. Ben's voice promises humour and a softness that Callum can never grow used to. Ben misses Callum saying his name, calling him, hand in his and taking him somewhere or taking him for a drive.

This will have to do for now, looking at him through a screen, talking about his day, his hair all soft and falling over his face and Ben misses being near him  _ so badly. _

Sure, he's a mean, tough man at times but he wants nothing more right now than to brush his hands through that hair, watching as Callum's eyes close from it.

Years. Years without this undeniable comfort and the love language of  _ touch,  _ and now they're an ocean away when they've finally found it.

Ben runs his hand through his own hair to compensate. His hands are nowhere big enough to match Callum's and he's close to laughing to replace crying.

Callum frowns at him, fork halfway to his mouth. He's having his dinner late and Ben insisted that he eat first before calling, but Callum rang him anyway knowing Ben can't hang up on him.

"Your stylist is gonna be mad at you for doing that," says Callum, and he chuckles when Ben smirks and just does it again.  _ God  _ he looks so good with his hair a little softer and curly like that. "How long do you have left?"

_ "Er, 'bout another hour. I'll have to do an interview after too." _

"Front cover, though," Callum tries to comprehend how big that is but he  _ can't.  _ "Big deal."

_ "Gonna buy a copy when you go pick up some bread?" _

"Oh, you know I am," Callum winks, blinks instead, and Ben smiles fondly all the same. He hasn't changed at all even when distance is present. 

Ben sighs as he watches Callum through the screen, his stomach grumbling for some food. He's had some snacks but nothing near a full meal. Antonio would have his neck if he found out because it's not just about the car now when it comes to racing.

_ "I know we joked, but I do miss your food,"  _ Ben rolls his eyes when Callum beams.  _ "I'm starving." _

"Then go eat!"

Ben grumbles,  _ "Wanna talk to you." _

Callum feels all the fight leave him. He just wants to gather Ben in his arms and stay there.

"We can talk after, okay? I'm sure it won't be too late."

_ "You can't keep staying up for me, Cal,"  _ Ben sits up, brushing his hand over his face.  _ "You've gotta focus too." _

"It's fine," Callum promises with a smile. "Please. I enjoy talking to you. Makes the long day worth it and it helps."

_ "Helps?" _

"It… it's really lonely here without you." Callum looks beside him to the empty pillow, Ben's side of the bed, away from the door and the fear of not hearing a stranger walk in. "If I hear your voice it's like you're here."

_ "But also hurts more when you realise that in reality, I'm not." _

Callum laughs but there's no strength in it. "Win some you lose some."

Ben smiles weakly, wanting to hold him.

"Sorry. I shouldn't be like this."

_ "It's normal. I miss you too." _

Callum looks up from his salad to see Ben smiling back, and for a moment, his heart swings forward like it wants to push him through the screen.

The moment is short lived, Ben turning to look at a distant voice.

_ "Gotta go,"  _ says Ben, sad. Callum hates when his voice does that.  _ "Please call me tomorrow if you're too tired to stay up. Promise me?" _

"I promise you."

Ben nods.  _ "Goodnight. I love you." _

"Love you too, Ben."

The video call ends seconds later, and Callum sinks into the bed, no longer hungry. Pip whines beside him, feeling the same sadness Callum does.

"I know, girl. I miss him too," he reaches over to scratch her cheek. "He'll be home in a few weeks."

She whines again, and Callum turns over to reach for her. She curls into him, and Callum has to sit there for a few hours until she falls asleep. Callum can't stop thinking about Ben, but eventually, waiting for his phone to break the silence, his eyes fall shut.

Callum's exhausted. His heart is exhausted.

\- - -

It's another two days when the cover comes out, and Callum isn't aware until he actually goes out to buy food.

He's thinking about what to cook for the night when he spots it, the cover of Ben staring at the camera waist up, half of him drenched in shadow and the other in this orange, glowing light that cuts in a diagonal down his body.

The headline reads  _ RISING STAR  _ and Callum picks it up, bringing it closer to see all the details of Ben in his suit and the way they've styled his hair.

_ That's his boyfriend. _

Callum wants to shout in the middle of the aisle, to cheer, but instead he grips the magazine a little tighter with a proud smile on his face before placing it in the basket.

When Callum arrives at Whitney and Chantelle's flat, the cover is the first thing he sees.

"Have you seen this?!" Chantelle says, practically bouncing on her toes as she looks at it again. "That's your man on the front!"

Callum goes red, chuckling all shy and hiding one eye with his hand.

"Yeah, I've seen it," he says, and Chantelle nudges him, teasing him as they walk into the living room where they've hung up Ben's team flag onto the fireplace. It makes his heart feel warm. "He didn't tell me it was out today."

Whitney appears from the kitchen, "Because he texted us to tell us not to tell you," she laughs, kissing Chantelle on the cheek as she walks past. "Wanted to know what your reaction was."

"Of course he did," Callum shakes his head. "Well, you're too late."

"I'll just text him,  _ he can't stop smiling  _ and this photo of your face all red."

"What?"

Whitney turns her phone to show Callum the picture, and it's of him doing that shy little head tilt, ears red, a smile on his face that wrinkles the edge of his eyes.

"Aw, don't!" Callum groans, head in his hands. "I'll never hear the end of it!"

\- - -

When Ben's back at the hotel, he ignores his phone for a good half an hour to allow his brain to settle. There's been some stress about his car and honestly? He's ready to hit the pillow and sleep.

Walking from the shower, all fresh and ready for bed, Ben picks up his phone to see texts from everyone.

Callum, Whitney, Chantelle. One off Lola and another off Jay. His family all miss him and it's painful every time he sees pictures of them together without him, as if he's missing out when in reality everyone is missing each other.

Ben saves the image of Callum smiling, because of course he does, sending back a little  _ thank you for cheering him up  _ because Chantelle's been texting him how lost he seems recently.

When he replies to Callum, talking about his day, he barely hits send before he's being called. 

_ Callum. _

"Do you always stare at our chat for when I'm online? You did this before we even started dating."

_ "I know,"  _ remembering that day after their first kiss gives Ben butterflies.  _ "I've been waiting to talk to you. Why did you let Whitney and Chantelle know but not me?" _

"It was funny!"

_ "You're unbelievable,"  _ sighs Callum. He sounds tired, a little broken.  _ "I'm proud of you, Ben. I really am." _

"Go on, tell me."

_ "What?" _

"Did you stare at it for five minutes in the shop?"

Callum grumbles something between  _ fuck sake  _ and  _ lucky I love you  _ before actually replying.

_ "No." _

"No?" Ben has a teasing tone to his voice.

_ "Forgot half my shopping afterwards though." _

Ben starts laughing, falling back onto his bed, deciding to press video call and Callum accepts. There he is, all soft in the lamp light.

"As much as I love praise and talking to you, shouldn't you be asleep? Isn't it like 3AM there?"

_ "Yeah… but it doesn't feel like I can." _

"Hmm," Ben picks at his bottom lip. "Do you want to talk about it?"

_ "I don't really know what it is, to be honest with you." _

Ben frowns, unsure. Something's bothering him and Ben can't tell what it is, not if he's that far away instead of next to him.

"Well, I got some other photos from the magazine that they didn't use. Wanna' see them? Might cheer you up."

_ "A chance for you to show off more? Sure, why not." _

Ben clicks back off the video to send the extra shots the company sent him to post on socials. Callum gets to see them first, of course.

_ "Fuck me,"  _ Callum says, annoyed, not exactly asking the question outright because  _ God  _ this isn't fair.

"You do, I do," chuckles Ben, a hint of satisfaction as he watches Callum brush his free hand over his face. "I'm guessing that's a good reaction?"

_ "Good— course it is, Ben. Just — look at you,"  _ Callum glances over them again, clicking his tongue.  _ "I'm feeling a mix of pride and frustration right now because you're all the way out there and I'm here realising I'm dating the fittest pro driver on the scene." _

_ "Only  _ just realising?" Ben lifts his arm to place it behind his head on the wall.

_ "Ah, stop. You know what I mean!" _

_ \- - - _

_ 20TH OF MARCH _

Callum's mother finds the magazine in Norway. She sends Callum a message and a picture of it.

_ What a handsome man! We've been watching his races here too, put up his team flag around the resort. People always ask when he's gonna show up! _

Callum promises that they'll come over at some point and visit. 

Whitney starts making dates for wedding planning, Chantelle always with this smile that Whitney always mirrors. It stings for Callum to see them in love when he's missing Ben, but the more he focuses on the fact that his best mates are getting married, the more it becomes this fun, adventurous thing. 

Ben races again, two races, grabbing 2nd again and a fourth place. Rain made the tarmac rough to deal with, but it's his first try and not bad of a result.

His total points rank 46. Ben drops to third on the league table.

\- - -

_ 21ST OF MARCH _

_ BEN'S BIRTHDAY _

Callum doesn't bring it up. There's a reason he doesn't.

Being at home with Ben all the way out there is horrible knowing their birthday week is finally here. Ben hasn't mentioned it either, afraid of bringing up pain he doesn't necessarily want to deal with.

But it doesn't mean they avoid each other. If anything, Ben's thankful for the day off, planning to have the phone attached to his ear the whole day.

Just to hear his voice, to feel like he's here.

Callum doesn't know it, but Ben's booked a flight home after the race tomorrow to surprise Callum for  _ his _ birthday. He just has to stop himself from taking it early just to see him.

This will have to do for now, his voice crackled but still undeniably Callum.

_ "What you got planned for today?"  _ Callum asks, the sound of cars following after his voice. He's definitely outside somewhere, maybe town, maybe buying food to fill the cupboards at home. 

"Nothing, to be honest," Ben stares up at the ceiling of the elevator, somewhat remembering Callum standing next to him in one during that holiday. "It's a free day but I want to check on the car. My engineering team will have my neck, but, can't help it."

_ "Yeah, that sounds like you,"  _ chuckles Callum, and the sound makes Ben feel like he's a little weightless.  _ "Remember when you were checking the car every five minutes on our road trip? Tried to convince you it was okay but you weren't having it." _

As the elevator doors ding open, Ben takes a breath before he steps out, pulling his team snapback further onto his head. He's not too famous,  _ yet,  _ but he'd rather avoid having to act on his day off.

"Wanted it to be perfect for you, alright?" Ben dips his head as he smiles, shoving one hand in his pocket.

_ "Yeah yeah, I know. It was…" _

"Yeah," Ben remembers. The nights with him, the days spent looking over and watching him drive. "We should do it again."

_ "Won't say no to that,"  _ replies Callum, a smile in his voice, and Ben finds himself walking through the lobby, eyes down to the lush carpet.  _ "So, you're free all day?" _

There's a clicking sound on Callum's end. Ben recognises it as a car door, then a muffled voice, an exchange of thanks that Callum speaks with his usual upbeat voice.

"Mm," Ben nods, as if Callum would see him. "I'll video call you when I get to the track, yeah? Gonna give you the VIP experience."

_ "Oh?"  _ Callum laughs, and the sounds fade to silence behind his voice.  _ "Already feel like a VIP because I'm wearing the jacket that's meant to be yours." _

Ben smirks, a heat that feels pleasant blooming in his soul.

"You're wearing it right now?" Ben literally cannot wait for the day he gets to see it on him in person.

He's halfway through the lobby now. Why is it so  _ damn long?  _ Ben's just hoping there's a taxi already outside, and a quick glance to the open windows promises the famous yellow of a cab. Nice.

_ "Whenever I can. Feels like you're here with me in some way,"  _ and if that doesn't bend and break Ben's heart, healing it at the same time.  _ "That the only time I can steal from you today, then?" _ Callum sounds like he's smirking, that playful tone that's rare but easily found when he's around Ben.

"Mmm," Ben tilts his head, moving his thumb up the side of his phone as he looks to his feet. "I think I can fit you in—" Ben's cut short when he collides with a man, and he's quick to apologise, one hand up as he talks. "Sorry, mate."

"I was hoping I could spend some time with you," starts Callum — and  _ wait. _

Ben's footsteps slowly come to a stop, pulling his phone away from his face, looking to the screen. The call's still going.

He just heard his voice  _ twice. _

Ben's heart feels fragile and full of hope, his throat dry as he turns around, slowly, bringing his phone back to his ear as his eyes fall on the jacket he sent out a few weeks ago.

"Hi," says Callum, his eyes so blue, just as Ben remembers, standing  _ here,  _ in the lobby of Ben's hotel with one hand in his pocket and his phone up to his ear.

Ben doesn't know what to do.

He's not meant to see him for another three weeks, not until the season's over.

Callum's worried for a mere moment that he's done this all wrong, that Ben doesn't want him here, speechless as to why he's flown all this way when they can only spend one day together.

_ Fuck. _

"Was hoping I could, uh — find Ben Mitchell here?" Callum giggles as he jokes, but it fizzles out when the silence continues from Ben. "Heard he had his first win, and..."

Ben's heart elevates, the words  _ I've missed you  _ so alive and  _ present  _ on his tongue that his soul yearns to be closer,  _ closer  _ until his feet drag along the carpet, eyes never leaving Callum's.

There it is, the way Callum reaches for him, Ben coming home almost literally as warm fingertips surf across his cheeks, into his hair and their lips brushing with the same tenderness that never left.

He kisses him like snow, gentle and melting the more he's present, the more he holds on and doesn't let go, the more Callum wraps his arms around him and  _ lifts  _ him against him to have Ben standing on his tippy toes.

Callum lifts him up in so many ways, his hold like molten through his veins, thawing Ben, breaking the ice walls he's built up without his sun so near. He finds his arms reaching up to grip at Callum's shoulder blades, his thumb catching on the lettering patches of his last name.

_ God,  _ he's not even sure if this is real, that he might be dreaming and it's his lonely heart painting this in his head so he searches, brushes his hands down to Callum's chest beneath the jacket, feels the  _ thumpthumpthump  _ beneath the soft shirt, the sound echoing back through his touch to where Ben can feel it in his  _ spine. _

Ben's chest opens, breathing a sigh of relief against Callum's lips as he realises this  _ is  _ real, that Callum hopped on a plane to come and see  _ Ben,  _ to surprise him and hold him again even if it  _ is  _ only for one day.

Callum smiles against his lips, hands moving from his head, down and down until his arms wrap and consume around his waist, pulling Ben closer and  _ lifting  _ him  _ again _ to the tips of his toes as he embraces him. He tilts his head, lips brushing the corner of Ben's mouth, his cheek, placing tiny kisses there as Ben chains the sob that wants to break through his lips.

His voice falls so softly onto his ear, Ben turning into him because he's spent over a month hearing it faded, crackled, broken —  _ oceans away. _

_ "I've missed you,"  _ he says, and Ben nods, forgetting that he's in the middle of a lobby full of people, people that might recognise him but he can't bring himself to care.

"You're here," says Ben, disbelief cornering his words, making him sound small. "You're really here."

"Yeah," replies Callum, breathing Ben in, the cologne he wears.

Ben holds the back of Callum's head with one hand, moving down to his neck and  _ god,  _ he didn't think he'd miss the warmth of him but it's such a specific feeling it makes him grip tighter, afraid he'll lose it again.

He should let go, move from the lobby, but he's still in shock, still stuck.

When he does step back, he admires.

"God," Ben shakes his head, eyes falling on Callum's eyes after he admires the jacket a little more. "Pissing off my manager has never felt so rewarding."

Callum laughs, "What? How did you piss off your manager with this?"

Ben rests his hands on Callum's shoulders as Callum adjusts the rucksack he's wearing full of clothes to stay the night. Ben pulls at the lapel, looking down at the fabric of the jacket as if he's never seen it before.

"When I told him I wanted to send my jacket to you, he weren't 'appy," Ben smirks as Callum catches on already. "When he found out it was gone, he almost fired me. Thing is worth hundreds now, maybe even more when I get some more wins under my belt."

Callum raises one brow, and Ben just shrugs, looking over him again.

"Worth it," he says, and Callum rolls his eyes, Ben pulling the jacket to lean up and meet his lips, laughing when Callum stumbles over him, barely saving himself from crushing Ben.

"Oh, sorry to ruin the moment, but, uh—" Callum tips his head away from Ben's lips, arm reaching into his bag, pulling out a silk bag with a thin, golden ribbon keeping it together at the top.

Callum moves it towards Ben, his smile nervous.

"Happy Birthday, Ben."

Smiling, Callum keeps the bag held between them as Ben blinks, looking to the bag in confusion.

"You—"

"—remembered, yeah." Callum laughs all light and caring when Ben sniffs.

_ Shit. Don't cry.  _

_ Boyfriends remember birthdays, right? That's normal. _

Ben looks around, realising it's not just himself and Callum.

"You can open it here," Callum says, and he looks beyond nervous, thumbs pushed together now that they're stood apart.

"I—" Ben shakes his head. "I can't believe you! I'm still processing you  _ being  _ here!"

Callum laughs as Ben wraps his arms around him again, Callum kissing his head as they sway a little because he's missed the warmth and weight of him.

"I was gonna do the same," Ben says, pulling back to see him. "Come surprise you."

Callum clicks his tongue. "Too slow, Mitchell. You may be a pro league driver but I always beat you on that night road."

Ben smirks, leaning up on his toes to kiss him, and their smiles fade to something sweet, a gentle exchange of kisses as the world continues revolving around them.

When Ben pulls at the string, Callum steps forward, gasping.

"Okay, maybe don't open it here," Callum looks around, suddenly nervous. "I kinda want it to be just us when you do."

_ "Oh?" _

"Not  _ that,"  _ laughs Callum, taking the bag back. "Later?"

"Okay," Ben grumbles. "Talk about a tease, giving me my gift and then taking it away."

"I'm sorry!" Callum kisses his forehead, holding his head warmly and just from that, all is forgiven. 

"Are you hungry?" Ben asks.

"I didn't eat anything on the way here so, yeah, a little. Could we… go  _ out  _ to eat?"

"Like… a date?" Ben tilts his head.

"Yeah?" Callum tilts his head the other way, both of them smiling, cheeky.

"I know a place not far," Ben starts walking back, hand in hand with Callum as they leave through the door. "I gotta' go to the track afterwards, is that okay?"

"Oh, course! I won't say no to that."

_ "No,"  _ Ben smirks, pushing the revolving door and out into the sun. "You can't say no to  _ me." _

_ "Fair." _

\- - -

Stomachs full, one tall american milkshake shared between them later, Ben's calling a taxi to head towards the track.

He needs to pick up and review the plan for tomorrow. Antonio likes to keep it all on paper, something solid that won't leak.

Callum finds himself staring at their joined hands as they walk towards the track grounds. The taxi dropped them off not far down the road, and the air is quite brisk. 

The cold never reaches their hands, sharing warmth, Ben's thumb carefully moving over wherever he can touch.

"Does it seem bigger?" Ben asks, looking over his shoulder to catch Callum staring. His voice blinks him out of it.

"What?"

"The grounds," Ben nods his head to the side of them, the track and the many stands protected by fencing. "You've only seen it on TV."

"I… I've never thought about that," Callum looks over, lifting his head to see how high the big, powerful lights that illuminate the track loom overhead as it becomes dusk, the air a combination of gold and rich reds.

"Well, you'll see it up closer than most people in a minute."

Callum feels knocked back again.

"Closer?"

"Yeah," Ben squeezes his hand, taking a slow step so that Callum's next stride catches up with Ben, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Told you I'd give you the VIP treatment."

Callum laughs, nudging his side, Ben following in the laughter as they come towards the gates and the guards present.

Ben doesn't need to show them anything to get through, but they stop Callum.

"He's with me," says Ben, voice full of pride. "I'll make sure he doesn't cause trouble."

They seem to be okay with that, one of the guards spotting their joined hands and saying nothing.

Ben and Callum walk through the gates still hand in hand, Callum looking up in awe as now the space really opens up. Without many people here, just overtime workers and staff for the actual track to prepare for another race day, it's miles and miles more peaceful than the day. 

Callum can hear the occasional screwdriver or click, an engine starting only to switch off again. With 6 races having been complete, the team engineers have a lot of data to go through, improvements to make. 

"Are you sure we're allowed in here?" Callum nervously picks at the end of the jacket.

"'Course, babe. Look," Ben points to the right of Callum, a car being pushed out of the pit and onto the track. "A lot of drivers use the empty track at this time to practice. We all get a limited amount so it's fair, and these runs are mostly just for the engineers to test upgrades before the big day."

Ben leads him through the grounds, giving him a tour, hands never unfolding from each other, Ben squeezing as he tugs Callum one way and then another.

Callum's eyes always go back to his face.

That smile, unbound joy, fascination, excitement. Ben feels comfortable in this world, eager to share it with the love of his life, eager to show even the bits Callum might not care about like where to grab the best food in the morning on race day and the best quiet spot to avoid all the cameras.

It's nothing compared to the smile on Ben's face when they enter his team garage, the door to the track on the other side closed and locked.

Ben flips the switch on one set of warm lights, illuminating the car. Callum stands at the entrance for a moment, looking over everything, taking it all in.

"Team is off today." Ben holds his hands behind his back, watching Callum walk around the room.

Callum finds his helmet hung on the side, thumb running over Ben's name with a smile on his face.

"I can't believe this is your life now."

_ "You?"  _ Ben laughs. "I have to pinch myself every time I walk in here."

"Still, it feels unbelievable to be here." Callum turns around to see the car, parts of it covered like the wheels and the vents to stop dust. "Like, you won a bronze league race with this car!"

Ben shrugs like it's no big deal, shuffling on his feet as his heart picks up speed.

"You wanna see something else?"

Callum blanks, sounding nervous, "Like what?"

"Wait here."

Callum watches him as he leaves into the break room, puzzled, but deciding to look around the garage as he waits, all the numbers and data sheets, information and rule books.

It's an entirely different world to the one Callum met Ben in.

Five minutes later, Ben walks out of the break room with a grin on his face, hands shoved into his pockets as he waits for Callum to turn.

When he does, Callum's eyes fall over his body before lifting back up to his face.

"Caught you lookin."

"You're wearing that to bully me," Callum laughs, one hand against his face as Ben walks over, doing a small turn to show his racing suit off, arms wide. "That's so —  _ God." _

"Ben'll do fine," Ben replies, making Callum groan because this  _ is  _ bullying. "Cool, ain't it?"

"It's incredible." Callum shakes his head, reaching for Ben, hands falling on his hips. "You're incredible. I can't… I can't believe you love me sometimes."

"What? Wrong way round, buddy. I'm the one that's shocked most of the time." Ben grips the lapels of his jacket, pulling Callum closer. "I don't know any other man that'd fly all the way out here just to see me for one day."

Callum breathes in, lifting his hand to hold Ben's cheek gently, thumb moving over his stubble. He's missed this, the touch, the warmth they share when they collide.

His other hand moves over Ben's shoulder, down his side, curving to his back, fingertips pulling on the fabric of the suit to have Ben closer — but the way the material goes taut so quickly spins Callum's brain into overdrive. It's practically fitted to Ben, breathing on top of his skin, and if Callum sends off an apology to the silver gates before he leans in and kisses Ben, that's on him.

"Told you already," says Callum. "I'd do anything for you."

It sparks, ultimately, the fire in his veins. Ben smiles against his lips as Callum's hands roam over his back, round to his stomach, moving up to his neck again with the firm press of his fingertips.

Callum brings Ben's bottom lip between his teeth, nipping it once before kissing him again, thumbs pressing on his jawline as Ben practically loosens in his hold, lava molded by hands when it should be impossible.

Ben's missed this, the otherworldly feeling of being wanted, of love in such a delicate but strong way that his feet feel tingly, his fingertips itching, gripping Callum in return by his jacket, pulling and pulling until they begin to move.

Callum's chest thumps his, and before Ben can do it himself, Callum walks him back until the backs of Ben's knees hit the bonnet, tumbling back onto the car, Callum between his legs as he leans over him, completely lost as he pulls Ben into him by the waist.

The metal is cold against Ben's upper back, making him hiss against Callum's lips, and the noise jumps Callum into gear, using his hands to lift him into a sit, hands falling into the arch of his back as if they were made to fit there.

Callum grips the fabric like he can't get enough, wanting to be close but also wanting to  _ burn. _

"Antonio's gonna' have my head." Ben laughs, pushing at the collar of Callum's jacket —  _ Ben's jacket —  _ to push it off. Weeks without Callum by his side has been another type of torture.

The jacket falls to Callum's feet, Callum humming as Ben kisses at his shoulder, Ben's fingertips pushing the fabric of his shirt to reach, colds hands soon warming over the skin of his back as they search and pull.

Callum kisses him softly when he turns Ben's head towards him again, one hand in his hair, warm and grounding, the lights above them dim.

"And you have my heart," says Callum, practically out of nowhere.

Ben nudges him, trying to ignore the punch to his chest those words give him. "Stop rotting my teeth."

"Can't help it," Callum lowers him back to the bonnet, a drag and pressure to Callum's hands that feels like chocolate melting in Ben's mouth. Godly. "Missed you. I wanna be here with you but I can't."

"You are now," Ben combs his fingers through Callum's hair, eyes on his as they share a few moments of silence. "You're here now."

Ben guides Callum's hand to the zip at his neck, gentle as he takes it, only tugging when Ben whispers a small  _ please  _ between them that the world can't hear. Callum's palm soothes flat against the warm skin of his chest when it opens far enough, and the way Ben seemingly opens, eyes glazed over as he looks upon Callum, he wonders how much being apart has somehow drawn them even closer now.

Callum's hand over his heart finally feels like he's home again, that nothing could be better than this.

"Yeah," says Callum, breathless, lips falling to Ben's neck, his chest as the racing suit parts, hands pushing it aside, talking against his skin. "I'm with you. Always."

Ben closes his eyes and lets himself feel for the first time in  _ weeks. _

\- - -

Leaving the garage after occupying it for some time, Ben takes Callum's hand as they laugh their way across the grounds, over the track when it's safe to cross and into the public area.

Ben jumps a barrier with him, Callum after, hands joined once more as Ben takes him step by step up to the highest row on the stands. No one else is here, just them and the burning, fading sun and the sound of lonely cars trying their luck on the track set for tomorrow.

"Come on," Ben looks back to see him smiling. "Best spots up here."

Callum nods after him, all of a sudden feeling like Ben's his crush at University and they're skipping class to find somewhere to kiss on their own.

When they reach the top, the view is breathtaking. It's high, high enough to see the whole track in some places, a golden hue painted over black tarmac and red and white corners. 

Callum can see why he'd take him here. Smiling as Ben takes a seat, hands still together.

They just sit and admire, hand in hand as Ben leans against him, watching the few cars that head out, racing around the track.

Ben's heart is slow, content.

He's fine with staying there as Callum yawns on the offbeat, reaching into his rucksack to pull Ben's gift out.

"I'm sorry it's not much." He says, and Ben frowns at him.

"Not much? You flew all the way here to give it to me," Ben takes the bag gently, feeling the weight of it.

"That's not part of the gift—"

"You turnin' up all handsome and givin' me a kiss ain't the gift?"

"Stop!" Callum nudges him with his elbow, making Ben laugh. "I mean that wasn't the intention. I just… I wanted to see you."

Ben chooses not to say anything at that, smiling down at the bag as he whispers a small thanks. He had a video call from Lexi and Lola during their date out to wish him a happy birthday, and ever since that moment he feels like he can't stop smiling.

Pulling at the ribbon, the gold falls apart slowly, the outer silk collapsing around a book and a small box.

Not just any book.

Ben picks it up slowly, eyes falling over the words —  _ two little birds and their adventure to the stars. _

"My Mom found a copy and sent it to me," Callum can't bear to look at Ben's reaction. He thought it'd be a cute gift at the time, to give him the book that he explained to Ben, the night where he confessed his love. "We lost the original when me and my Mom moved out."

Ben looks over the book, the small little stars that flicker on the illustration from the fading sun.

"You can read it to Lexi, if you want — and I know it's a present for you but that first time you told me you loved me just means so much to me and— yeah. It's lame, I'm sorry."

Ben looks beside him to see Callum staring out, a sadness in his eyes.

"Why do you think I wouldn't like it?"

"It's just a book."

"A book that means a lot to you," adds Ben. "And now, it means a lot to me."

Ben turns back to the book, opening it to look across the pages. It's just as Ben remembers when Callum told him, the careful words and darling, hand drawn illustrations that talk through Ben and Callum's journey in its own way.

"And what's this?" Ben picks up the box that still sits inside the bag. It's quite long but no bigger than his palm.

He opens it to see a small music pod, earphones with it.

"Uh, before your races," Callum taps the box. "You always call me to settle your nerves. I thought if I made you a playlist of some songs you could listen to them before you race."

Ben can feel the tear roll down his cheek, Callum doesn't see it. He disguises wiping it by going to scratch the side of his cheek.

God. He's so thoughtful, lovely.

"And it's not that I don't want you to call me, but it's just that every time you do it hurts a little more that I can't be there with you to help you," Callum reaches over to take his hand on his thigh, squeezing when Ben doesn't reply. "They're, um, songs about us. At least — I mean songs that remind me of you, or of us."

Ben places the lid of the box back on, suddenly hit with the reality that  _ wait, this is really my life. I really have someone that loves me this much and cares this much. _

He turns to Callum, moves from eye to eye before leaning in, kissing him, once and twice before pulling back.

"Thank you, Callum," he says, smiling. "Thank you. I love them — I love you. I love you, so so much."

Callum brings his arm around his shoulders, squeezing him closer as he kisses at Ben's cheek, a bright smile there now.

"I love you too," replies Callum, thumb brushing under his eye. "Happy Birthday."

"Best birthday ever, I think."

Callum hums, hoping so, Ben packing his presents back into the bag and handing them back to Callum for safe keeping.

From then on, they sit and watch the track for a few minutes, thankful that they're together again.

There's an itch, though. Ben's chest feels tight.

"Thought I'd never be here."

Callum keeps him close at his side, thumb moving up and down his cheek as Ben speaks.

"Is this your second thinking spot?"

Ben laughs, "I guess so."

He closes his eyes, breathing in the chill air as Callum leans his head on his, smiling when Ben starts talking about his day, the race season, how it's going.

"Been thinking a lot while I've been out here on my own. It's nice to just… exist," Ben turns his head to see Callum looking back at him, a soft expression as he glances over Ben's face.

Ben's never really had the time or place to think of that before. One step ahead, one gear ahead.

"All my nights used to be so… short, you know? I used to drive and didn't stop, thinking nothing else mattered except forgetting what I needed to." Ben shuffles in his seat, head leaning to rest on Callum's shoulder as a car flies past down the straight. "You scared me at first, this new thing I couldn't see myself being. Yet, here I am,  _ with _ you and it's — I've never felt like this. I wanted to run scared."

Callum swallows down the lump in his throat. Weeks without each other has given them time to understand so much more about what they hold between them. "Honestly, Ben, at times it felt like I was running blind, trusting you when I did, thinking I was making a fool of myself but every step brought us here."

Callum looks over the track after that, hand reaching for Ben's on his thigh. Their fingers intertwine like fate.

"I don't wanna' look back, because I'm sitting here now and I think what the  _ fuck  _ was I thinking letting you go the first time," Ben shakes his head like he can't believe himself, what he did before. "I literally can't imagine a day without you now."

"We all make mistakes. Makes us human."

"Fuck mistakes, Cal. You've made me human, in every way." Ben turns his head, looking up at him. "I spent my entire childhood thinking I was different, that I wasn't worth anything and nothing changed. It never got easier, just bearable, something I could ignore if I focused on other things."

Callum watches as Ben's eyes well up, a pull behind them that he can't stop. He lifts his free hand to cup Ben's cheek, hoping to stop them, but one falls without will. Callum's thumb catches it.

"I spent most of my adulthood thinking I could race for the rest of my days, that I could get through each night that way and sleep through the day as if that was  _ my  _ normal. If life was gonna treat me that way then I wanted some sort of control, to think it was mine."

Another car storms past. They're so high in the stands that no one will see them. 

Ben bites his lip before carrying on. Callum's giving him room to breathe, room to let it all out.

"But I knew… I knew it wouldn't be like that forever, right? I'd get old, I'd grow lonely and old and Lexi wouldn't need me anymore, my mates would find their own lives and get married, have kids, start a life away from this one." Ben looks down to their hands, the way Callum's thumb brushes over the back of his. The exhale rocks his lungs, making Ben sniff afterwards.

_ "Fuck,  _ Callum. I never imagined this for me, I didn't think it was… that it was possible. I thought I'd be racing on my own, stuck in this loop until my hair was grey and that would be my life." The wind chills as it rolls past, Ben shuffling closer to Callum. "I never imagined I'd find you, to find what we have. I didn't think I'd have a life worth looking back on."

Ben lifts their hands to kiss Callum's knuckle. A silent thank you.

"I didn't think anyone would love me like you do."

"I… I can say the same, you know." Callum finds it strange to speak after listening for so long.

"Hmm?"

"Finding you. I thought I'd be married with kids now. At least, that's what me in high school planned out for my life, and I  _ definitely  _ didn't plan to date a world class racing driver and… do what we just did on his car."

Ben bursts into laughter, thankful for the lift, Callum smiling but he can feel himself going red in the ears. He'll say it's the cold, surely that'll work.

"Another one off the bucket list."

_ "Ben." _

_ "Alright,  _ I'm teasing." Ben shuffles even more, sitting sideways on the seat so he can lean his head on Callum's chest. He sniffs again, smiling when Callum starts to brush fingers through his hair. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not following that plan and bumping into me," Ben's voice is much softer now, almost unguarded. "I can't imagine what my life would be, where I'd be right now if I wasn't here with you."

Callum smiles, tilting his head away from Ben.

He wants to say it but he knows it's cheesy soulmate stuff, and despite thinking that it makes his heart mushy, fluttering in his chest. 

"Say it."

"What?"

"I know you wanna' say something," says Ben, hand moving over Callum's heart under his jacket. "Say it, please."

"I… I, er. I was gonna' say that you'd…  _ we  _ would still be looking for each other, in some way." Callum closes his eyes after that, sighing.

_ That sounds silly. _

"You — you really think that?" Ben picks at his shirt now, eyes following the way it falls back to Callum's chest and  _ God,  _ the heart that drums under that skin somehow loves Ben, somehow chooses Ben in every life.

"Yeah, I do."

Ben smiles to himself, looking down to their hands.

"This… this isn't what I planned, you and me, either."

Ben watches as another car zooms past, the high pitched rise and fall of the engine as the driver takes it round the first corner. The red brake lights become hazy, blooming in the atmosphere.

"I was on my own for so long, and this isn't what I thought I'd ever have but — it's beautiful."

Ben never thought he'd ever say that word,  _ beautiful,  _ but he'll call it whatever he wants and it'll still come back to that. It's beautiful how Callum loves him, beautiful how he flew all this way just to see him, beautiful how he takes his pinky finger and links it with Ben's.

He's beautiful.

Their love is beautiful.

Ben tips his chin up, caught in the silence when Callum looks down, a faint smile on his lips as he whispers back.

"I think it's beautiful, too."

He needs to say it. Callum needs to say it to make Ben believe, that it's not his own little demons trying to make him believe in something impossible.

So when Callum meets his lips, kisses Ben under the old but new stars as gold sinks from the sky, he believes in it, that this is possible.

Callum cups his jaw as they kiss, tender in his hold like always and Ben's skin aches for that touch everywhere, the grounding push and pull.

"Cal," he says, spoken between a kiss that falls into more until Ben's brain pauses enough to speak again. "Cal."

"Yeah?" Callum doesn't move far, nose brushing his cheek as the pop of an exhaust splinters the air. He no longer flinches, safe and content in Ben's presence, knowing he'll save him like last time.

And that. That mends Ben.

A man who perceives himself as broken helping to heal someone he perceives as perfect.

"I want… I want you to hold me," Ben asks, completely bare, open. He's never asked for anything like this. "The hotel. I want to go back there and I want you to hold me. Just… just for a bit."

Ben smiles but it's more like he didn't, afraid of feeling vulnerable but he needs this, needs Callum in the most content and human way he knows now that the fires no longer burn in his veins.

There's moonlight in his veins now. Serenity at knowing he can fade into the night and the sun will still be there in the morning. Callum will still be there in the morning.

Callum kisses him, a yes, a squeeze of his hand and then they're standing.

He leads Ben down the steps and the dance starts, the dance that seems like something holy to outsiders. It's something only they share, the uniqueness of them, the gentle glances Callum gives Ben over his shoulder as they exit the track grounds.

Their fingers move, constantly changing where they're linked but forever staying in contact. Ben places his hand on Callum's forearm as they wait for a taxi, and when they're in one, Ben is reminded of the club, the ride home.

He looks between them, the space left, their hands still joined as Callum looks out the window. Callum's no longer clutching his hand, hiding his pain, flinching at every nerve that's plucked. He sits relaxed, content, breathing in when Ben brushes his thumb over the scar on his knuckle.

They've come a long way since that first taxi. 

The first, Callum sat alone.

The second, Callum felt alone. Ben felt scared.

The third, their hands are joined with the future ahead of them.

Ben is so full of emotion that it's hard not to cry, his heart splintering in a peaceful way, relief, no longer holding onto nails that tried to piece him together because he can do so on his own now, with Callum, with his family back home.

He wants to say it, say that he loves him a hundred times, a thousand, whisper into his ears, over his heart but he can't. He'll have years to do that, but he can start now in small ways,  _ Ben  _ ways.

Ben squeezes his hand, making Callum turn to him. He smiles, and Ben leans over to kiss his cheek with a softness Callum originally thought Ben wasn't capable of.

Callum leans into him, dropping his head to Ben's shoulder as he slouches, enjoying the ride back to the hotel.

When they arrive, Callum pays, leads Ben hand in hand through the revolving doors and the lobby they reunited in hours ago.

Ben's still in shock, really. Dazed by love and disbelief that a man like Callum exists and that this man  _ loves him. _

Callum takes his room key at some point, stepping down the corridor together when they get to the floor, waiting as he figures out which way to swipe it.

It's strange, how quickly Ben's brain tumbles into questions, wishes, the door shutting with a soft thud behind them and suddenly it's just them. No cars. No track.

This is who they are to the very simplest form.

They look at each other for a moment, the lonely lake blue of the room dark and foggy, but it's like they can feel the pull, the draw of their hearts.

Ben's arms come up to his neck, Callum reaching down and it's clockwork,  _ them.  _ Ben jumps up into his waiting arms, framing Callum's face. He's so strong, hands holding him up by the backs of his thighs, Callum walking backwards to the bed as he kisses him, and the thought of  _ marry me  _ melts through Ben's thoughts like waves to a beach.

Ben's never had that thought before. To marry, to love someone with papers and the promise of forever.

They've both thought of it but being here, in Callum's arms as he carries him, Callum quite not ready to let go yet, there's no possible way his brain can picture another face when he opens his eyes.

That ocean, the blue of Callum, he's walked away so many times that now he knows he's staying, Ben feels infinite as he sinks into it, kisses him with the meaning of his entire heart as the seconds go on.

Callum lowers him to the bed like he's mortal treasure, but he holds like he's made from something strong, brave. Ben clips his chain with the promise ring back around his neck when he reaches over to the pillow, expression soft as Callum kisses his cheek, his temple.

He takes a breath when Callum wraps his arms around him, Ben looking up to the ceiling and how the new moon of the night carves along the white paint, how he used to see that light and think —  _ another night. Another cold night. _

But then Callum squeezes him, curls around him evermore and Ben breathes in, folding his arms around him in return and that's it, he's home.

No more cold nights.

No more running.

No more chasing.

His happiness is here. He's found it.

They feel like giants as they grab and pull at skin, kiss like gods for fables and hold like they have the answers to the universe between their arms and maybe that part is true.

Ben calls his name like naming a star itself, fingertips gripped to the balcony of Callum's shoulder blades as the night rolls on, noses brushing until their lips collide again.

As soon as the storm rolls in, wonderful and warm, it fades, rolls out. They lay under the sheets, perfectly wrapped in warmth and a space that's entirely theirs.

Ben sinks back to earth underneath Callum, almost sent to sleep by the gentle kisses, the little nuzzles he does, every which way they touch and breathe in the moment of being human, being themselves.

He takes in the atmosphere, the safety, contempt. Ben uses it to allow himself to speak again.

"I've never stopped," says Ben, whispered to his lips like a secret he can't tell the world. "Ever since I let go of your hand, I haven't stopped thinking about you."

Callum feels breathless when Ben kisses him, hands falling to the arch in Ben's back and  _ god  _ his skin burns it's so warm. He's been so cold this past month that Callum hugs him even closer, pulls Ben into him.

"Ever since that first night when I paid for your cab, came back to give you your phone, I hated how much you were on my mind and I barely knew you."

Callum keeps quiet, fingers gently scratching at the nape of Ben's neck as he lays over him, breathing in the afterglow, face at Ben's shoulder.

"I spent so much time telling myself it was wrong, that — that nothing good comes from thinking about something I can't have," Ben almost sounds broken, like this is another shard of his heart he's yet to reveal. His fingertips move over Callum's skin like feathers to the wind, barely there but something to witness. "It was like that for a while, even on the holiday, and you know how that went. Thought I never deserved you, thought I broke your heart."

Callum shuffles at that, lifting his head just enough to see him, the moonlight from the window framing Ben's eyes in silver.

"That's in the past."

"I know," sighs Ben. "I know. But the holiday was also the first time when I realised it wasn't going away because when you left, it… it got louder."

Ben watches his own hands surf back to the front of Callum, to sit at the hollow of his throat, down to his chest to feel the solid weight of him pressing down. Callum's this rock Ben can't move, can't shape and maybe that's why he's never truly broken Callum, never changed him.

He's strong, more than Callum realises himself, and yet all of that strength, that love and devotion is entirely devoted to Ben, somehow.

Callum breathes Ben in, face hiding in the gap between his neck and shoulder, hands between Ben and the sheets of their bed as he brushes them against Ben's back.

"And this past month, it was the same again but even more than that because I didn't ignore it —  _ couldn't —  _ and now I know it's because if I'm sure about one thing, it's you."

Ben's thumbs scratch at the hinge of Callum's jaw, wanting him to look up, to see his face. He can feel the way he's clenching his jaw as if Callum's holding back.

"Me?" As if that shouldn't be possible, as if he isn't laying on Ben right now, in his arms as the moon watches, their only witness.

"Yeah," Ben nods, laughing, relief. There's a weight off his chest now. "It's always been you too, Cal. No one else,  _ no one else." _

Ben misses out the rest —  _ and there won't be anyone else  _ because his heart squeezes, folds and  _ bursts  _ when Callum kisses over his heart from where he holds his head.

Ben hooks his thumb over notches in Callum's spine, one by one, spending seconds lingering on each one like he's playing piano, the instrument of Ben's heart.

Callum moves again, kissing his heart once more as he moves to his shoulder, Ben boundless as he cups his head with one hand.

This feeling. He's felt it before, many times. Ben is overwhelmed by it, suddenly tingling with the sensation and the nerves of realising it.

This is what he's missed, the freedom he has with Callum, the burning of his fingertips as they move over Callum's stubble. It's the strength Callum holds him with, the promise of keeping him together, grounding him between heights and making him feel  _ human,  _ like he's worthy of feeling every emotion he's living.

If Ben's broken pieces then Callum is Saturn, keeping him close, keeping him together as rings revolving.

If Ben is burning untamed, Callum is the gravity that keeps him together, unleashing his emotions into storms of Jupiter, something unstoppable, unmatched. He's spent so long hiding them away, taught to forget that it's almost enough to drown Callum when he's near, plunged into it but he  _ exists  _ in that storm and  _ survives _ because Callum's the one that made it.  _ Callum  _ makes that thunder roll out, the lightning that prickles under Ben's skin because  _ he loves him  _ and the winds that howl in his lungs because every part of who they are together seems impossible, that it shouldn't be real but they are.

Boiled down to the simplest form, they're made of stars, stars that are long gone but still burning with an even brighter memory.

Ben feels that star lingering from Callum's touch, the light it seems to burn under the surface of his skin, his lips, how his heart pulls towards his gravity, his orbit.

He makes his way down Ben's arm that holds his cheek, kissing softly, gently, taking seconds to lift his lips again to another spot. It feels like  _ light years, _ how slow he moves, how he looks up and meets Ben's eyes and suddenly everything makes sense. 

This is what love is.

Unspoken, unbound.

This is what Ben's been aching to find all of his life, how there's no words needed between them and the way it feels so cosmic and grand and yet falls into something so simple as one name, one word.

Callum.

_ "Marry me," _ Ben breathes out, weight pulling his words, his chest.

Callum pauses. 

He didn't mean to ask, for the words to slip out but there's no room in his heart anymore, bursting at the seams because they've just been holding and admiring for so long that it only feels right to ask.

Perhaps he should've kept it in no matter how much it hurt, to have this question that wasn't even said like a question burning and revolving in his chest like its very own star and now it's out there, lost.

Ben closes his eyes, silence falling over them again but it's thick, nerving. He only opens his eyes again when he feels Callum touch his cheek, hovering over Ben, looking between each eye.

Whatever Callum finds makes him smile, tender and small but  _ there,  _ and it feels like the weight of what he said crushes against the surface of his chest because he wants to say it again—

Callum's kissing him before he can, framing his head with caring but bold hands, Ben feeling as if he's slipping into the mattress and it's just them, their love and whatever they want to do with it.

But he doesn't stop kissing Ben, moving his hands to Ben's jaw and slowly pulling back. Ben follows like a magnet, chasing after him,  _ his happiness,  _ and his arms move despite the strain his abdomen gives out, hands searching up Callum's back again as he feels Callum's lip part against his.

A momentary pause, a drop in time.

_ "Yes,"  _ Callum whispers, and it feels like a boomerang, bursting into ink that blooms beneath his skin when it collides as Ben hears the answer to his moment of humanity.

"What?" Ben asks, opening his eyes to see Callum smiling back at him, tearful.

_ "Yes, _ I wanna marry you, Ben." Saying it makes it feel real, Callum breathing in with a shake to his lungs.

"I didn't… didn't think you heard me," says Ben, thumb wiping near his ear, under and behind, moving into his hair.

"I didn't think you felt the same way," Callum replies, shaking his head. "It took some time to… to sink in, what you asked me."

_ What you asked me. _

Ben's just asked Callum to marry him. 

_ "Fuck,"  _ Ben groans as he tips his head back to the pillow. "I didn't — I didn't mean to do it like this. I was meant to — to get a ring and get on one knee and ask you at some fancy restaurant—"

_ Fuck.  _ He's messed this up, big time.

All because he slipped up, all because it felt like he was going to burst into tears if he didn't say it, if he didn't admit it to not only himself but to Callum as well.

Ben pushes both hands against his face, "I'm sorry, Callum, I'm _so_ _fucking sorry."_

Even though Callum's said yes he knows he deserves more than  _ this. _

Callum shakes his head, leaning on one arm as he moves his hand to Ben's chest, fingertip poking through the hole of his promise ring.

"You already got me a ring, remember?" Callum smiles down at the ring, still on the chain. "Well, I did. We promised with these that one day we'd ask the question, whoever that would be."

The inside band still shines silver, the patterns of black, silver and gold veins on its surface still polished as if it were new.

"This… this isn't how I wanted to propose," Ben looks up to Callum, guilt burning in his eyes. "But then… we haven't exactly done everything the so-called  _ right way,  _ have we?"

"No," Callum leans down, kissing him once. "From meeting you that night," Callum kisses him again, Ben becoming boneless with every single one he gives between his sentences.

"To the car," another kiss, this time lifting himself so Ben has to tilt his head up.

"To the first kiss we shared," this time he slows down, kisses Ben soft and innocent, barely there, mirroring the first one they ever had like that moment is  _ engraved  _ in both of them, their soul, their body and it's merely muscle memory. The kiss that follows after is a reminder of how far they've come, inseparable, Callum framing Ben's face with the chain hanging on his pinky, breathing in through his nose as he pushes his lips, kissing Ben, bringing him closer like he can't get enough.

Kissing him is discovery — thinking you've always had the last but finding more. Thinking you'll never feel the same way as the first but searching, chasing for more. 

Kissing him shares that connection, that deep unbreakable bond that only the language of lovers speak. 

They've missed each other. It's normal, natural to search for the fuel of the flame but there's an unmistakable shift, a change. Ben used to burn like fire, crackling and ferocious. Now he burns like lava, untouchable but cooled in kind hands, soft whispers of his name, a gentle hug.

Ben is slowing down by choice, for Callum.

Ben takes the ring from the chain, unclasping the lock and letting it slip from the silver. "To the fights we had and the nights I tried to run away from the idea of us."

Callum can feel his lungs twist, his jaw tighten.  _ Shit.  _ This is really happening.

"I didn't wanna fight you," says Callum, almost breathless as he watches Ben hold the promise ring between his fingers.

"I didn't either," he laughs as he looks up to Callum. "I was more stubborn."

"Yeah, you were."

"Still am," Ben chuckles. "You sure you want this? The rest of your life with me? Because you can back out and I won't blame you—"

Callum moves forward to capture his lips, all warm and sweet as Ben cards his fingers through Callum's hair, soft and curling around his hand.

_ Go on,  _ Callum thinks when he pulls back.  _ Ask me. _

_ Make me the luckiest man in the world. _

"You're right," says Callum, kissing Ben's bottom lip. "This is the most  _ us  _ thing, or  _ me  _ thing. I just — spending so many days without you made me realise that I  _ can't  _ live without you and that — that  _ feeling  _ in here," Callum knocks his own chest with two knuckles, pausing to breathe, "That ain't going away, Ben. I don't think I'll ever have what I have with you again. This is it, this life — I want you in it, all of it, every day, every moment with you."

Ben remembers saying to Callum that he's not glass, but  _ god  _ his body and mind feels so fragile and shattered that maybe he is, maybe he's more human than he realises as he takes Callum's hand, pausing his words to brush his thumb over his knuckles.

He brings it up to his lips, kisses them one by one, lingering on his ring finger as Callum sobs quietly to himself.

"Callum Highway," Ben keeps his hand near his lips as he looks up to him, the ring becoming heavy and cold in his other hand. "Will you be with me? Marry me? To have more of these moments and think back in years to come and think how the  _ hell  _ did stealing your car lead to all of this?"

Callum bursts into laughter, happy tears in his eyes as they sway side to side.

He nods his head, and Ben starts to beam, biting his bottom lip as Callum mumbles a  _ yes,  _ then again, until he sighs and kisses Ben.

_ "Yes,"  _ says Callum as he hovers over him. "Yes,  _ God,  _ I wanna marry you, always,  _ yes." _

Ben takes his hand, squeezes it and places more kisses along his chin, his jaw, his neck, to the point where Callum squeezes him in his arms.

Callum looks down from where their foreheads touch, Ben doing the same as he places the ring onto Callum's ring finger, holding his hand with both of his afterwards.

"Oh thank  _ God it fits,"  _ laughs Callum, looking back to Ben as his eyes widen.

"What— you didn't know if it would?"

"No! I — I didn't plan to propose with them!" Callum groans, but Ben just starts laughing, running his fingers through his hair slowly.

Ben still has the biggest smile on his face when Callum pulls his own promise ring from his finger, taking Ben's hand.

"Ben Mitchell," Callum pauses just to look at him, giggling when Ben nods his answer already. "Will you marry me? Make me happy as long as we have forever?"

"Yes," says Ben, leaning up to kiss him. "Yes, a million times yes."

Callum slips the ring on, leaning down to kiss it when it rests, lips falling over his knuckles as he curls his arms around him again, hands between Ben's back and the sheets.

It sinks,  _ sinks and sinks —  _ the reality.

When it rests somewhere in the bottom of Ben's stomach, he looks down to the ring on his finger, the way it shines so silver from the moon.

Callum watches him, admiring his eyes, looking over his face as he rests his head on his shoulder.

"What are you thinking?"

Ben has this little smile, genuine,  _ real.  _ Callum's seen so much of that smile now, but this seems different from the others, unique.

Ben never saw this smile coming.

"That… I found you, somehow," Ben looks beside him, his newly ringed hand lifting to Callum's cheek, metal cold against his skin. "And that we have…  _ this." _

Callum soaks up the feeling of that ring against his cheek for a few more seconds before kissing him, but it never leaves. It's there, on Ben's finger, meant to be.

"Stay," pleads Ben, framing Callum's face with his hands like art. "Stay for one more day. Watch me race. Be there at the finish line."

_ "Ben—"  _ Callum is torn. He  _ wants  _ to stay but he can't.

"Please," Ben leans up to kiss him, to pull Callum back down and they can't stop for a few minutes, afraid of losing time. "Come on, one more day. One more day with your  _ fiancé."  _

Callum feels his heart thunder at that word, the deep, echoing thump it makes in his head because  _ yeah, they're engaged. _

"I have a meeting, I have to be there." Callum kisses along his jaw, his neck, hoping it's enough of an apology. Ben sighs at the thought of him leaving his side just for a meeting.

He wrestles Callum onto his back, sheets going with them, pooled in the arch of his back as it covers both of them.

"Video call. Say you couldn't get a flight back," Ben sits up, leaving Callum stranded on the pillow, hair all messy, silver ring shining golden with the glow of his heart. "I'm not ready to say goodbye again, not yet. Not after today."

"If this happens every time I'm due to head back home, I'll never leave."

"Would that be so bad?" Ben laughs, Callum rolling his eyes.

Callum reaches up to pull him back down, to kiss him, to hold Ben and flip them over again, only—

_ Thud. _

_ "Ow!"  _ Callum hisses as they both fall to the floor, sheets over them, Ben falling into a fit of giggles as he lays half over Callum, Callum rubbing the back of his head.

They've rolled off the bed. Literally.

"Ugh, you're a menace," groans Callum, but there's a smile on his face from how much Ben is trying not to laugh. "Hey! Bully! Stop laughing at me in pain!"

Ben just laughs even more, his face pushing into Callum's chest, a scrambled, mumbled  _ sorry  _ falling through his lips, kissing his shoulder when Callum just shakes his head.

"I've missed that laugh."

Ben's heart melts.  _ Shit.  _ He always manages to get him back somehow, and the fact it's not even a competition between them but instead something genuine makes it all more impactful.

Ben smirks, trying to ignore how much his heart wants to scream that he loves him.

"Does that mean you'll stay?" He doesn't expect his own voice to come out so sad, though.

Callum pushes himself up from the floor, cupping one side of his face, using his other arm to hold himself up.

"I'll stay."

Ben tilts his chin forward to kiss him, softly, sighing through his nose because surely it doesn't get any better than this.

"But what a story, ay?"

"Hmm?" Callum is too busy looking over his face to listen as he pulls back from the kiss.

"To tell everyone.  _ Oh, how did you get engaged?  _ Well, long story short, I came out with it, put a ring on Cal's finger and then we fell out of bed."

"God you make it sound so romantic," says Callum, sarcastic, but the smile on his face is so  _ warm. _

"I think it's perfect."

_ That. _

_ That knocks _ Callum.

He's speechless, trying to breathe as Ben leans in, making Callum's upper body descend to the floor.

Ben kisses him, speaks it through his lips alone.

_ You're perfect to me. _

\- - -

THE NEXT DAY

Ben walks into the garage swaying slightly, a smile on his face that reflects how his heart feels.  _ Loved,  _ unbroken, whole again.

He brushes his hand across his jaw, thumb moving to his ear as the tea he holds in his takeaway cup steams from the opening.

Somehow, he feels drunk, tipsy on love, the ring on his finger heavy, warm, weighted.

His tyres are meant to hit the track in two hours but he's still lost in hours ago, in Callum, in the way he kissed him, held him and whispered his name on his lips like a lovers poem. Ben wants to go back there to the hotel room, to sink into the sheets again with him, to have Callum do that  _ thing  _ with his  _ hands— _

"What's up with you?" An engineer Ben knows as Ralph nudges him, knocking Ben from his distant gaze outside the garage door.

"Ain't it obvious?" Another engineer speaks up, pulling a cover off the front, right tyre. "He got laid."

Ben zips up his racing suit to cover his neck, "Eyes off, mate."

They laugh, and eventually, one of the engineers points to his hand, "And what about that, huh?"

Ben looks down, curling the fingers of his left hand, hesitating before he allows his eyes to fall upon the band. It's real, for sure.

"I, uh—" Ben lifts his hand to scratch his head. "I proposed to him." The matter of fact he said  _ him  _ and not  _ her  _ or  _ they  _ makes Ben afraid, but his team don't even flinch. "He said yes."

Around him, the engineers slowly erupt into cheers, some even walking up to pat him on the shoulder.

"Alright, alright! I don't want champagne about it, okay?" Ben feels the tickle of a tear in his eyes.  _ Fuck.  _ He's happy and other people are happy for him — surely this isn't right.

"And?"

"And?" repeats Ben.

"Sounds like you were about to say something else," Antonio hugs the tablet to his chest, shuffling his shoulders. "Go on."

"I — just wanted you to accept me. If we're going into this as a team I wanna be open. I'm marrying a man, the love of my life, and if any of you don't like that, I'll walk."

As the team look at each other, they seem to all agree, nodding, turning to Ben with determined expressions.

"We got you, Ben," one of them speaks up, pointing to the track outside. "We're a team, proper one. We race together no matter who you love."

_ We're a team. _

Not just his family, but  _ people. People want to be around him. _

It's like Callum said, he's in the light now, not hiding, not running.

"Okay," Ben nods, feeling a bit choked up, but the sound of engines switch that to determination. "Let's get ready to rock 'n roll, shall we?"

The team cheers, getting back to work as Ben goes to reach for his helmet. As he picks it up, he slows, thumb moving over his name, the  _ B.MITCHELL  _ along the side of his visor.

Callum will share that name soon when their schedules allow, when time allows it. He once feared that name being so close to Callum considering how much poison follows it.

But  _ now? _

Now, he's a professional league driver, a win to his name and points from other races pushing him to the top of the league table. He's made it better, made the name his own, and he feels proud that Callum will share it with him one day.

"Do we get to meet the unlucky sod marrying you one day?" says one of the engineers, making Ben chuckle.

"Yeah," Ben smiles, happy that he can say the next part in confidence. "He'll be here in an hour."

What a race day it's going to be. What a  _ season  _ it's going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote the proposal on the.. 24th of jan? (before canon if i remember days) at least thats what the doc says. so if it's similar to canon in any way to you then [pops party popper] a win for me
> 
> more whitnelle focus next chapter, and whatever else ben and callum get up to
> 
> ive been really down lately so im sorry if this chapter is like stepping through mud or something (it was meant to end way differently) but i needed comfort so here we are
> 
> thank you to those that leave comments. even if it takes me weeks to reply i do read them and helps me hate this fic a little less (its the reason this chapter took so long after i finished That Scene on the 24th, i just had no energy to fill in the gaps and it probably shows)
> 
> stay safe out there
> 
> twitter & tumblr — callumslove


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